Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ The Ones They Take For Granted ❯ Farewell...For Now ( Chapter 11 )

A/N: Wow...this is really it, folks. Over two years and much sporking later, I present to you the final chapter of my Goku x Videl love story.

I'll save the rest of my comments for the end since, as you can imagine, there'll be a pretty fair bit. I hope you enjoy, and you may (if you're reeeeally attached to this story like I am) want to keep a Kleenex handy. Just a thought. Oh yeah, and I don't have the benefit of a beta-reader this time, so bear with me if I made some mistakes.

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It never ceases to amaze me how a person's perspective can change when time is running out. Since the last time I saw Goku, I've been battling these feelings of loss and hopelessness, and I'd forgotten almost everything else. It's affected my mood, my ability to think clearly...even my relationship with Pan. I've let myself grow weak. It became painfully clear this morning right after breakfast. To his credit, Gohan kept his word. He told Pan her grandfather was leaving, perhaps permanently.

I'm totally disgusted with myself. All I could do was sit there like a zombie while my insides burned with anger and shame. He was so...calm, like he was just helping her with math or something, until she flew off the handle. Of course, I knew it would happen. I would've done the same, but he acted shocked by her outburst. He recovered quickly enough that she didn't really notice his lack of empathy, but I sure saw it.

And still, I just sat there. She screamed, she cried, she threw her bookbag through the kitchen window, and I watched it all from the safety of the living room. The worst part is I thought my lack of involvement was best. I mean it's my actions which have led to her losing Goku, and it's because of my cowardice she didn't find out sooner. What right did I have to comfort her?

Then she ran toward me, sobbing and shaking from head to toe, and threw herself against me. I thought she was going to break my ribs she was squeezing so hard, but I couldn't have cared less. The only thing which registered was the words she choked out against the thick terrycloth of my robe over and over again like a mantra.

"I don't want him to go! We have to make him stay, Mama. We have to make him stay..."

It was at that moment, at that very second, when I realized where I've been going wrong all this time. After falling in love with Goku and having an affair, I truly believed I could do nothing worse. In my own mind, everything was ruined because of it. Had I not slept with Goku, my family would be intact and my relationship secure. Because of the guilt I piled on top of guilt on top of even more guilt, I failed to see the obvious.

When I really stop and think it all over, I don't feel much worse after having an affair than I did before I was unfaithful. Before Goku it was loneliness and insecurity, now it's guilt. Different emotions, but all of them are complex and paralyzing. The only thing tipping the scale is who I had the affair with. If I'd met up with a total stranger, I'm almost sure things would've turned out completely different, and I don't mean Goku wouldn't be preparing to launch into space.

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Had it been anyone else, the thought of staying with Gohan and forcing our marriage back together would seem...well...pretty pointless. I can't really put a number on the amount of time I've known the whole thing was coming to an end. When I look at it objectively, it seems so obvious I want to smack myself.

At first, it was easy to keep it together. I'd loved Gohan; he'd been one of my best friends in the world, and we'd been through so much together. It made sense to marry him. My father was hellbent on an insanely powerful son-in-law, and who fit the mold better than Gohan? Then there was Chichi, who though we were a match made in heaven since I knew he was an alien but didn't care and I was from a rich family. So we got married just like everyone thought we should.

Before we really had much time to ourselves as husband and wife, we had Pan. We were totally focused on her; it was easy to ignore the lack of passion, because we were both so busy. He worked hard to provide for us, while I stayed home with the baby. It seemed so perfect back then, so easy to ignore the fact we not only didn't spend much time together, but neither of us felt a great loss because of it.

Then Pan started growing up, and she didn't need me all the time anymore. My days went from fun-filled hours of fun and firsts to PTA meetings once a month and chaperoning field trips. We still had our evenings together, but more often than not, it was just the two of us. As more time passed and Pan became more independent, I found myself alone most of the time. That's when I started looking to Gohan to fill the gap Pan had left, and it was then our differences became apparent. I wasn't right for doing that, and it wasn't Gohan's fault we have so little in common. He is who he is; I wouldn't want to change him even now. He loves Pan with his whole heart, and I know he'd do anything to take care of and protect his family. The fact remains he doesn't need me to be happy. In truth, he doesn't seem to need me at all. Not that I have the right to criticize. The only reason why I came to depend on him, to long for his company so desperately, was because of my own selfishness. I expected him to want to be with me rather than work overtime, I wanted him to tell me how much he'd miss me while he was gone, I wished for him to ask for my company once in a while.

In the end, it was nothing but a fantasy I'd concocted inside my own head of how a marriage was supposed to work. I simply didn't want to believe the picture I'd painted in my own mind could never match up with the man I married. What's worse is the more I pushed, the more unfair it was to him by asking for things which just aren't in his nature.

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I wonder now why I stayed for so long. I'm sure part of it was because I didn't see so many of these things before, and another part is because we both know what it's like to be without one of our parents. We would never want to put Pan through that. Then again, I'm beginning to realize there may be things even worse for Pan than her parents splitting up.

Will she really be better off if Gohan and I stay together when there's little or no love between us anymore? Will she grow up believing, as Gohan does now, it's normal to be married and treat your spouse like a stranger? Can she possibly learn the joys and sorrows, the risks and rewards, or anything else falling in love has to offer from her father and me? Or Goku and Chichi for that matter?

I don't see how. I didn't understand myself until Goku became such an important part of my life. I had no concept of the scope or depth of true, uninhibited love for a person. I never realized it was possible to feel so many different emotions related to it-affection, insecurity, passion, despair, anxiety, obsession, dependency... I always believed the majority of those things were weaknesses, even hindrances to a normal relationship. I never imagined there was so much beauty in such things when they're all focused on and reciprocated by one single, very special person.

Now that I see these things, I realize the futility of the promise I made to Goku. No matter whose fault it is or who should shoulder the blame for what's happened, the fact is I can't keep my word to him. In a way I am, I guess, because I told him I'd do my best, and that's what I plan to do. Goku wants what's best for our families. The only way I can do my part to make that happen is by being honest, not just to Gohan and Goku, but to myself too. I can't let my guilt over the past and fear of what could happen in the future hold me back any longer.

The first step is accepting both the irrevocable and the inevitable. I've done that. I just wish the next part was so easy.

It's a little past ten now, so I don't have much time before Goku leaves. Damn it, now that I'm thinking about that again, I'm going to have to fly with blurry vision. I don't want him to leave this planet, or his family, or friends... Who am I kidding? I don't want him to leave me. There's no use trying to make it out to be anything else. I'm about to face him one more time and consequently turn my family upside down in the process. The least I can do is start being honest, especially with myself. Self-deception's what got me in this mess in the first place.

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Now that I'm back in my t-shirt and shorts, I feel more like myself than I have in years. It's like the part of myself, the confident warrior, is finally emerging from the prison I locked her in when Gohan and I got married. Yeah, as I leave my house to meet Goku, my eyes are puffy and my heart aches like I never thought it could, but there's a measure of relief too. In the deepest place in my soul, I know this is the right thing to do, even if conventional morality says otherwise.

"So, you finally decided."

I jump and turn to the sneering voice from behind the tree next to my driveway, taking a defensive stance out of habit even though there's no mistaking Vegeta's tone. No one else on this Earth has one like it.

He snorts and pushes off, unfolding his arms from his chest. "Took you long enough."

His words are as harsh as ever, but again I see the slightest hint of approval in those stony eyes, and perhaps a challenge too. I guess he's wondering what I plan to do now that I've ventured from the safety of my home.

I'm still not quite sure what to make of him being here though. "I...I want to see him."

Vegeta's eyebrow quirks. Yeah, I guess that was obvious to the point of sounding stupid, wasn't it?

"I don't want him to break this...thing, this bond, we have now. That's what he's planning to do, right?"

Now Vegeta looks interested. Well, as interested as the stoic Saiyajin prince can, I suppose. He nods once, but it doesn't look like he's planning to say anything. What the hell do I tell him now? I mean, is there nothing I can do except beg Goku not to take the only part of him I still have? I know I don't understand the real significance of this bond Saiyajins can form with their mates, but I do know there's a place inside me, in my head and in my heart, which shelters a little piece of his soul. I may not be able to sense it like he can, but I believe I'd feel it if it's taken away from me.

Vegeta suddenly turns on his heel and puts his back to me. "If you want to maintain your bond with Kakarotto, I suggest you keep up and listen well, onna. I have no desire to waste my breath repeating myself."

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I barely manage to stay beside him as he launches in a flash of blue, but I do exactly what he said. I keep up with him, and I listen as he explains the mechanics of the bond as though my life depends on it. Ironically enough, he tells me it may very well come to that.

It's strange to here someone like Vegeta talk about the way mates feel each other's emotions, and even though he offers no explanation as to why Saiyajins are affected more strongly than humans, I can venture a guess. By nature, human beings are emotional creatures. We're born and bred cultivating our feelings and expressing them openly. Saiyajins, though born with emotions equally strong, maybe even stronger, than ours, are taught to suppress them. We encourage tenderness and compassion; they don't. I guess, because of that, we humans have desensitized ourselves. We have tons of thoughts and feelings rolling around in our heads, and I don't think anyone knows how to completely keep track of them all. Saiyajins are methodical in all things, including analyzing and cataloging their emotions.

I know I've hardly been able to keep up with the conglomeration of feelings I've been experiencing, but now a lot of things are falling into place. This sensation of my heart being crushed, this sorrow that's made me almost immobile, isn't all mine. The majority is, I'm sure, but there's a small bit, the part I haven't been able to hide or will away, because it's not mine to control.

But if that's true, then what's Goku been suffering through? If his awareness of the bond itself is stronger, does that mean he's been carrying the full burden of both his pain and mine?

If that's true, and I suspect now it is, I have yet another regret to add to my list. I won't let myself feel guilty this time though. If I do, if I condemn myself to wallow in shame and self-loathing, he'll suffer too, and I can't do that anymore. I want him to feel a sense of peace in knowing everything is going to be okay, even if it can't be that way right now. He needs to know how much I love him, how much I will always love him. That I'll move forward, and so will Gohan; that I'll risk death itself to keep the tiny thread of his soul intertwined with my own.

That I love him enough to let him leave. Because I know, once things have settled and all the broken hearts-his and mine, Gohan's, even Chichi's-have healed, he'll come back to me.

I don't know exactly how this bond works, but if you can hear me, Goku, I want you to remember that while you're gone. Remember that I love you, and that in the end, we'll all be okay, even if it hurts like hell right now. That's what I want you to know before you leave.

I feel the jolt, a mixture of indecision and longing, in the pit of my stomach a split second before Vegeta stops in mid-flight as Goku materializes below us, just on the edge of Vegeta's lawn.

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There's no doubt he heard me now. As I touch down in front of him, the question is clearly written in his features. My throat's too tight to speak, so I nod. Yes, I'm sure. Yes, this is what I really want. Yes, I will wait for you, and yes, I will fight with my last breath to hold on to what we have right now.

Just don't wait too long to come back to me. I'm not like you. I won't be young forever.

The corner of his mouth rises just a fraction, and only for a moment. Then his eyes flicker to the side, as though he feels something behind him. When he looks back, it's to Vegeta, who huffs.

"I will take care of your nosy half-breed son, since the onna seems unable to handle him properly," he growls to Goku before taking to the air once again.

Several moments pass before Goku mutters, "Gohan doesn't have any way to understand this."

"I know," I admit. "The last thing I want to do is hurt him even more."

"Neither do I, but it looks like this bond we've got is making things a lot harder than they should be," he replies, rubbing the back of his neck. "Actually, I think it's partially my fault you're even here right now."

Yeah, I know I'm not the only one who likes to blame myself. "I'm here because I wanted-I needed-to be here."

Goku smiles guiltily. "Yeah, but I wanted you to come too. I almost went ahead and launched because I knew you'd end up feeling it." He must sense my confusion, because he looks away. "If we don't break it, you won't have any choice but to wait. It's just the way the thing works, I guess. So if you change your mind, or you and Gohan work things out-"

"Gohan isn't any happier with me than I am with him," I cut in, though I can't keep the sadness out of my voice. "I care about Gohan, but we were never meant to be husband and wife. The reason he's hurt right now is because of what's happened. He doesn't understand right now, but when he meets the woman he'll be able to share his soul with in the future, he will. If I didn't believe that, I couldn't be here with you right now."

His expression is proof Goku feels the same way, even though the idea of Gohan in pain is killing him inside. Even I can feel it, the sudden upsurge of helplessness. I can only imagine what it must be like for him to endure this kind of misery. I'm so sorry, Goku...

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"Don't be. You can't help it any more than I can. Believe me, I've tried. The worst part is I don't even think I could've broken this thing between us now."

Maybe not, especially considering what Vegeta told me. I would have to be pretty much oblivious to it, which I'm not, even if I can't control it. And Goku would have to mentally tear us away from each other, and Vegeta said it could have driven him insane. At the very least, his mind would have definitely been altered to some degree. But he'd been willing to take the risk, for both our families.

"Yeah, but it's gotten stronger, especially over the past couple days," Goku adds as though all these things going through my mind have been spoken out loud. "Vegeta said stress, extreme feelings and situations...stuff like that affects it."

"It makes us more dependent on each other."

He confirms my suspicion with a negligible nod. "Looks that way." Then he sighs. "It also looks like we've run out of time. The group's headed this way. I should head back too - "

"Was Pan okay? Did you talk to her?"

"Yeah, she's okay. She was pretty worked up at first, but me and Gohan calmed her down." He glances at the ground, then back to me. "I told her I'd come back as soon as I could, but it'd be a while." He swallows. "A couple years, maybe more."

I nod, ignoring the tingle of welling tears. I already knew in my head it would be at least that long, and that's a pretty conservative estimate. We both understand the reality. There's a lot that has to be worked out. I wish more than anything he could stay with me, but it's just too soon. It doesn't make saying goodbye any easier though.

What if something happens to him out in space? What if the ship malfunctions? What if someone attacks him? What if someone attacks us while he's gone? Not that we don't have plenty of guys to hold the fort, but still, most of them depend on Goku's presence, even if he isn't the one fighting.

Yeah, I know it's stupid to worry about him. There hasn't been a situation yet he hasn't been able to handle. And of course, if some tried to hurt any of us, he'd be here in the blink of an eye. So there's no doubt he'll come back, one way or another. He has to.

This isn't the end.

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"Videl? You're really gonna wait for me? You're okay with that?"

It's a pointless question when you think about it. He can read my mind effortlessly now. He knows the answers as well as I do. But I have to remember his heart's as human as mine, and sometimes people need more than a feeling. They need to hear it, to draw it into their memories and hold onto it.

"It won't be easy," I admit, and I try to hide how choked up I sound already, "but I'll wait for you. I'll wait as long as it takes." Damn, I didn't want to start crying yet, but I can't seem to stop it now that it's started. "Just be careful, because I'm counting on you to come home, okay?"

He opens his mouth, then clamps it shut. I really wish I could hear his thoughts as clearly as he hears mine right about now. I see the group-Gohan, Bulma, and Chichi in the lead; Krillin, Yamcha, Trunks, and Goten follow in the middle; Vegeta and Piccolo bring up the rear-making its way toward us. So that's why Goku looks so conflicted.

I know, there were a lot of things I wanted to tell you before you left, but like you said, our time's run out. For now anyway. Well, I was hoping you'd hold me one more time too, but I'll wait. I don't have much choice now, do I?

Goku doesn't even look like he hears anyone speaking to him, even though just about everyone's asking him what we're doing out here and whether or not he's ready to head out, or if he's changed his mind. Of course, in all fairness, I'm ignoring Gohan's hissed demand as to my presence too. For this one last moment, all I want to focus on is Goku. To memorize the handsome features of his face, the genuine love and tenderness in his ebony eyes, the strength I want wrapped around me so badly my body aches. After all, I have no idea when my next chance will be. It's bad enough knowing our final minutes together in who-knows-how-many-years has to be shared like this, with two feet between us and no affection shared just to make sure no one else suspects anything.

His eyes narrow thoughtfully. "It's kinda pointless to pretend now though, don't you think?" he asks, and I notice everyone's gone silent. Except Chichi, though that's not surprising. She just wants to know what's going on and what he did to make me start crying. "I mean," he says, still acting as though he and I are the only two around, "they're gonna find out anyway, right? I guess they may as well start getting used to the idea now."

And the rush of emotion I feel is like a blast. He really doesn't know if he should do this or not. Probably not. Almost surely not. This will blow the lid off the whole thing. Neither of us will be able to go back.

But he can't leave me like this. He can't stop himself, and I don't want him to.

I barely register anything outside of his softly muttered apology; I'm not sure if it's meant for me, Gohan, Chichi, or a combination. I don't care either. I fell the sudden burst of warmth as he kisses me, a heat which fills me inside and out. His lips, his heart, his tongue, his soul, his arms, his spirit, his body, his energy. It's the acceptance of who we really are and an embrace of what we share. We didn't expect this to happen, would never have dreamed it was even possible. Yet here we are.

"I love you, Videl."

It's faint, the barest whisper flitting against my consciousness, but I hear it nonetheless just as he pulls away. It's a good thing Bulma moved closer to me at some point, because I feel like every ounce of strength is being drawn out of my limbs as Goku draws further back. I also hear a soft thud, and manage to see enough through the flow of tears that Chichi's passed out. Yeah, I guess it would be a shock to suddenly see your husband kiss your daughter-in-law. She must be okay though, or someone would at least pick her up.

Everyone else, even Gohan, look too stunned to do anything at all. Except Vegeta and Bulma, though I guess that's not surprising either.

"Well guys, I'm off," Goku declares. Then he looks at me one more time. "Vegeta, you take care of her for me while I'm gone, okay? I'm counting on you."

Vegeta snorts. "Even though the Saiyajin in question is a third-class fool, she still shares a bond with a Saiyajin warrior. I assure you, your mate will be fine."

Goku seems satisfied with that, and he gives me one last nod, a silent farewell, before offering everyone else a salute. "Alrighty then, take care of yourselves, guys." A shadow of a smile. "I'll see you all in a few years."

It's only now that he's walking away and gets into the spaceship that people start to stir around me. I know they all have a million questions, and I'm more ready to answer them now than I was a few minutes ago. Right now though, I want to stay here and watch him take off. I'll keep my eyes on that ship until the fires fade and the round vessel becomes little more than a speck in the sky. And I'll keep watching, even after I can't see it any longer.

So I'll remember he's up there for me, for both of us. So I'll recognize it, no matter how far off in the future it may be, the moment his journey in space ends, and ours will finally begin.

Until then, I'll miss him, I'll count every minute of every hour of every day, and I'll love him a little more with each one that goes by.

Lyrics: Twilight by Vanessa Carlton

Author's Note: Well, that's it. I know a lot of people have been waiting for this, and although I suspect it doesn't quite live up to what most people hoped for, I feel it stayed the truest to the characters as I portrayed them. I hope you enjoyed it, even if you wish the ending had been a little happier.

As for sequel possibilities...I know the ending sounds like it's there, and when I originally planned this out to the end, I thought there might be. Now however, the chances are slim to none. As it stands now, this is it. If that changes, I'll let folks know somehow. And it'll be in my blog (http://bit-o-pareathe.blogspot.com), I'm sure. Right now though, I've got a ton of stuff to finish up, both fanfiction and original work, so those are my priority in the foreseeable future. Anyone curious about that stuff, again, check the blog. I blabber about pretty much everything on there now.

Okay, the mailing list. If this is the only story of mine you've been following, you can unsub from the list (not that I send all that much, but in case you want to anyway) by sending a blank email to pareathe-unsubscribe@topica.com and that'll get you off there.

Wow...I'm not really sure what else to say besides thank you all so, so much. This one has been long and tedious to wait for, I know, so the fact you guys saw it through to the very end means more to me than you can imagine. Plus the number of people who've read, reviewed, emailed, etc. made it impossible for me to respond to everyone individually like I did in the beginning, but I want you all to know I cherish every single thing you guys have told me. (I still look over my old FF.net reviews! I know, I'm a totally review whore, but I love you guys so much!!!)

Okay, before I drown my keyboard, I'm going to stop. Thank you, again, everyone!!! Big hugs and kisses to all!!!