Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ The Door: Rot ( Chapter 15 )

Title: The Door: Rot

Author: Lethanon

Type: Multi-Part

Warnings: Angst, 1x2x5, Preventers, Psychological....just lots of angst.

Rot

We didn't leave immediately, for which I think I was immediately grateful. They had not booked tickets on a flight back, unsure of how long it would take to find me. If they found me. As if they had ever had any real doubt. They knew as well as I did that no one could run forever; not from people trained to run just as hard, and just as fast, with twice the determination. The truth was, now that the moment had come, I didn't want to leave. Why? I knew, s I stood by the window of that hotel room and looked out across the most impoverished of the colonies, that I, Duo Maxwell, child of these very streets, was never coming back. I was about to be grounded, indefinitely, and that I would never again be permitted to return here. This was the last time I would look upon this skyline; upon this familiar ceiling.

We spent three days there. Just waiting. Biding our time. I was reminded of the week I spent at that safe house in the middle of nowhere during the war with Heero and Wufei, after they found me and dragged from me every secret of my dark little soul. Only this time I knew no one was listening, and in return I didn't really pay attention. I just segued. Waited. Longed and lost. Three days of not being received but summarily rejected, and knowing it was not a mask they were rejecting. It was the shattered remains of a human being. Sadly, it does not fully register that that being is me.

A hand on my shoulder. It's Wufei.

"Our ship leaves in an hour." And that's all you have to say to me before you turn away, expecting me to follow. Not even a caress, once so freely offered, to show you care, that you understand. Not a spoken or felt regret that you are sorry for taking me from this place; from the place I belong. But then, I suppose you don't think I belong here, do you Wufei? Did you ever know me?

I turned from the window. I let my feet carry me out of the little hotel room, let them fall into step between those who said they loved me, and I let them take me out of there. I let them put me on a shuttle and I let them take me back. Why? Because I had no choice, and even if I did I had ceased to care. It truly is that simple. I had given my word and in giving it had finally given away too much.

We arrived at the apartment late; early hours of the morning. We didn't go to bed. Wufei and Heero bustle around that counter like old men, aged and weary and I just sit here, remembering the view from a window already fading in my mind. How long? How long before it's gone forever, along with all the painful echoes of the life of Duo Maxwell?

A mug of hot chocolate appears before me. I life the mug automatically, let the hot contents scald my throat as I drink it without taking a breath. Why are you both looking at me like that? You wanted me to drink it. That's why you made it, gave it to me. Do you want it back? Here, have the mug.

Wufei just pours more in. They don't get it. So I drink it down again. I don't even feel it this time. Is this what it will be like from now on? Okay.

"Duo…" Why are you sighing like that, as if you can't even bring yourself to say my name, Wufei? Are you that tired of me? Then let me go. Release me, and we can end this, right here, right now. "Why did you run?" NO! No more questions, just let me go…it would all be so much easier if you had just let me go. Let me run back then, in the war, and hide where I would never be found. So much easier. But it's not supposed to be easy, is it.

What do you want me to say? You had me tagged, followed, caged like some crazed beast and now that cage will be smaller, the leash tighter, the trackers on my very heels. Now I am an animal, and you have made me such.

"Damnit, Duo! Talk to us!" Heero! Stop slamming your fit on that table before you break something!

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?" God, Heero, just give me a clue and I'll say it! But don't go on like this, not like this. I promised I would be your damned puppet, but you have to tell me what you want. I can't give it unless I know what it is.

You're both so quiet, looking at me as if I've grown two heads. I suppose I haven't yelled at you before, right? Not like this? Well, I've never really been like this before. I've always been myself. Twisted. Now I'm straight, unbent, unwound, empty…unable to hold anything. Retainers gone. You have to tell me what to do.

"What…what do you want to say?" Wufei asked cautiously, onyx eyes wary, watching shifts of shadow only he could see. His caution seemed to put Heero on the alert. I don't care. Do what you want.

"Whatever you want to hear." I never have recognised my own voice.

You look sick, both of you, as if you can't believe your ears. Why? You thought I would want to talk to you, that I would forgive and forget. It's gone too far, too long. My bones are sore, my mind too old. I feel…thin. Like I'm not really here, and I'm not, it's true. Just let it be finished.

We sit there, in cold, detached silence. The sun rises out the window and eventually Heero gets up, and he leaves. He goes to work. We all know it, but none of us say it. He's tired too, and he wants to leave. So we let him. I let him. I have never stopped him. So its just you and me Wufei. You an me.

"You're not going?"

"Soon," you reply softly, but your eyes never leave my hands where they're lying, face down on the table, completely relaxed, completely detached. Are they my hands, or yours now? I don't honestly know. I think they're yours. All of me is yours.

"We'll go in at lunch time. Just you and me."

Just the to of us? Why? I don't want to be a mechanic anymore, but I will if that's what you want. Is it?

"We…you have to see Sally Po. It's regulation."

It's not regulation if I don't want to be a Preventer anymore. But if I'm not a Preventer, they'll arrest me, won't they Wufei? They'll really lock me up? Is that what you want?

"Okay." I get up, leave the table and retreat to the study, to the computer. I sit there, staring at the blank screen for hours. Then I realise my hours are running out and I boot it up and open a new document. Only…there is no one I want to write to. No one I can. So I open a browser and start reading. I read a lot. More than I've ever read before and in time I realise there is one person I would like to write to, even though he won't write back, so I do.

Hey Doc G. I'm off too see the head doctor. She'll prob put me in a box and keep me in her drawer. Nice knowin ya.

How many notes like that have I written in my lifetime? Too many. But they're all true. I am in Sally Po's drawer, in a slim manila folder with my name written on it. And that's how the world will remember me. It's almost sad.

More hours pass and then you're there again, Wufei, right at my side, offering me a hand to lead me away. And I take it, like you want me to, and I let you squeeze it just that little bit, and then we're in the car and we're driving there. To that place where all the roads end. And we're being followed, just in case I kill you and try to run, right? Right. Just making sure.

"Are you ready?"

You're asking me now? You sure its not you who needs their head examined? Honestly. Like I have a choice in the matter. See, I'm nodding like a good little dog, let's go. I'm bored already.

Suddenly your arms are al around me, your lips all over me, tears in your eyes, desperation on your breath.

"I love you, Duo, and Heero…both of us. Please, just be honest for once and let it all go. Just smile for once and let it be real. Let Sally help you…let me help you…I love you I love you I love you…"

Get off me! Don't say that, don't touch me like that, don't…don't make me remember those things. Don't make me live them, here and now. Not like this. I don't want to be here, like this, but I promised….I promised…

I let you kiss me. I let you guide me. I will let you kill me.

We get out of the car and go upstairs and we sit and wait until Sally Po is ready to see us and they guide me into the room and I realise Wufei is not leaving and I know, instinctively he is my guard today; my watch dog. He is there to make sure I don't run again, or worse, kill Sally Po. As if I would. Do you truly think so little of me.

I sit down. I wait. Patiently. Sally pulls out my folder from her drawer. It's on the table. My fingers itch to touch it, but they don't. They sit on my knees, relaxed, detached.

And then it begins. The questions, the pictures, the everything. And I realise I've learnt something, that all this madness has come in handy, because I can do something now I could never do before. I can tell you exactly what you don't want to hear; I know all the right answers, all the right expressions, all the right responses to convince you I am completely, undeniably sane.

There is nothing wrong with me, and you cannot prove otherwise. I see that moment when it clicks in your mind, that you're not going to get what you need, and I realise you needed it. Badly. Because without it you had no reason to chase me down, to practically kidnap me and drag me back here. I cannot be under house arrest if there is nothing mentally wrong with me, because I have done nothing wrong. Apart from being born, of course.

And its right after I realise this that I realise you don't care. You'll do it anyway. And who is going o argue with you? No one.

And I know, right now, that everything in that manila folder is a lie; a fabrication so you can own my life. And I know, all of a sudden. I am not a liar. I am not dangerous…abnormal…self-destructive. You've made me this way; your perception of me has simply rubbed off on me, and I, trained to be whatever my surroundings dictate, have listened to you and believed. I…Hate…You.

I hate you.

So simple. You've done me wrong. I want to scream. I want to rip your precious folder to shreds, but I don't. There isn't any point, is there? So I just sit, and continue to prove you wrong, even though you'll ignore me anyway. I'll know. I know it's not true. I'll know that Duo Maxwell is still safe, and free, in a room you'll never see. All you will cage is a reflection of me.

And then the door opens. They don't even bother to knock and I can smell Heero and…Relena? I look up, completely thrown. Heero is scowling darkly, Wufei is shocked, Sally is…uncomfortable. See, I can still read the room as I always have! I am not what you would make me! I am not! I don't want to be and I won't be! Something…save me. God, for once in my twisted life, give me a miracle!

And for the first time in my twisted life he did.

"Duo Maxwell is from this moment under my jurisdiction. Under protocol 269 in the peace statutes, which states all mentally unstable soldiers outside of war fall under Sanq Kingdom's protection and care, he is mine. My car is waiting."

I stared at her coldly, wondering what she was up to, what she wanted, but there was just something about her, a pleading in her eyes as she looked at me that screamed 'trust me' and when I thought about it; really calmed down and thought about it, I did. And I realised what she had done.

Sally now had only two choices. She either declared me insane, in which case she lost me to Relena, or she declared me insane, in which case she damned herself, half the Preventers and freed me. I was under no illusions; I knew she would declare me insane, but either way Relena had ensured they lost and for that I will be eternally grateful.

"Very well. Here is his information." And the folder switched hands. Just like that. From Sally to Relena in the blink of an eye. In a paragraph of statute. So simple.

Heero was scowling, Wufei looked broken somehow. They rushed forward, each grabbing one of my arms, each clamping down, refusing to let go.

"Heero, Wufei… am sorry, but Duo has to come with me now. Just for a while. You can come to Sanq whenever you like and see him, but we have to go now."

They jus held onto me tighter and I heard them whispering over my head.

"What can we do?"

"Nothing, just go along with it."

"We'll figure it out; gotta be a loop hole."

"We love you."

"We'll come get you soon."

"We love you…"

And I was extricating myself from them and following Relena. I got in her car and we drove away. I couldn't stop staring at her. She seemed to…deflate.

"I didn't think it would work…" She whispered softly and I knew she wasn't really talking to me. But I had a question of my own.

"Why?" You know I'm not asking why you didn't think it would work. Why would you do this? Try to get me out of there?

"Because you once saved my life, Duo Maxwell, and I thought it about time I did something to return the favour. And, because I know this," she waved the folder in the air, "is all lies."

You know?

"How?"

She just smiled and shook her head. I guess we were not so different after all.

They say there is a door. That it has a lock. That there is no key. If this is to be believed, this door shall remain locked, closed, hidden, shrouded by the mystery that is itself for all eternity. I used to wonder if maybe they were wrong, if maybe there was a key, and that the door could be opened, unlocked and the things within freed. Could I find a key? Would it fit the lock? Would the door open? Or would I, like everyone else, as I always have, be denied, shunned, pushed back, forgotten?

I am forgotten. Like today will be tomorrow, and yesterday is today. Today is boring. Today is yesterday, and tomorrow. When will it change? When will it breathe again, this life? When will the door open?

Never. They were right. There is a door, certainly and it is locked. And there is no key. I will remain here, in my own personal prison for all time; I will never walk out that door. But maybe…maybe the story doesn't have to end that way. Maybe, I think, I can keep going. Because while the door is locked, someone opened a window. For me.

I dreamt about it all the way to Sanq kingdom, and for days after as I sat in my large window seat at Relena's palace and stared up at the sky, thinking of windows, reflections and refracted versions of myself I had been over time.

I amount to one thing; to one truth. Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here.

So I'll stay here, for as long as I have to, and I will be grateful to Relena for all she has done, and I will be happy because my being here makes her happy. But it is still a prison we have to find a way out of. It's still a room hidden behind a locked door and until we find a way out, we'll remain here.

Cold. In the dark. Alone. As times change and we continue turning.

To rot.