InuYasha Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ Lost in Space Theatre ❯ My Life, It Does Really Suck ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

By: ArrDee

We meet our protagonists, their antagonists, and get a feeling for life on the JRS Beast of Yucca Flats. The work MiSTed within is invisible1withnofaith's strange, muddled, and confusing alternate universe high school fic "Life, It Can Really Suck."

Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Sci-fi | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 07.11.2005 | Pages: 67 | Words: 55.7K | Visits: 2.4K | Status: Work In Progress

Lost of in Space Threatre

Episode 1: My Life, It Really Does Suck

Date: 7/11/2005

[The scene opens on what appears to be a bridge of some sort of stellar vessel, as is evinced by the inky blackness beyond the bridge's portholes. Enter our two protagonists, Traal and Alyssa. Traal is quaintly nondescript; average build, average height, brown eyes, close-cut black hair, and a bumper crop of facial peachfuzz. Alyssa typifies the picture of Irish beauty; brilliant green eyes, fiery crimson tresses, and a perky bosom. Traal is the first to notice that Cambot is active and turns his attention to it.]

Traal: Hidyho all! Welcome aboard the JRS Beast of Yucca Flats, where we're boldly—

[Traal moves to make an over-the-top flourish to welcome readers into the Beast of Yucca Flats, but Alyssa grabs his arm before he can and stops him.]

Alyssa: —reassuring all that the resident Department of Nomenclature is terminally inept?

Traal: Har, har. This coming from the lady who thinks a good name for the ship would be `Manos', quotes and all!

Alyssa: It's a classic!

Traal: It was also, if memory serves, riffed mercilessly on the original Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Alyssa: Indeed. It would help establish continuity!

Traal: You act like that's a good thing!

Alyssa: …it isn't?

Traal: Of course not! We don't have the budget to fight a copyright infringement lawsuit right now. Or ever, for that matter.

Alyssa: And riffing the non-MST3K creative works of others doesn't get us into the same kind of legal trouble…how, exactly?

Traal: Well, errm, umm…I don't know, damnit. But The Beast of Yucca Flats was on MST3K too, so that's not an argument for `Manos'.

[Alyssa huffs in defeat whilst mumbling something trite about having lost this battle but winning the war. Traal turns his attention back to Cambot.]

Traal: Now then, where was I…? Oh yes! Welcome aboard the JRS Beast of Yucca Flats, where we're boldly—

[Traal goes to make his flourish once more, but has Alyssa stop him once again.]

Alyssa: …what, exactly, does the JRS stand for?

Traal: Argh! You stop my grand welcoming for that?

Alyssa: Well, yeah. It's been on my mind for a while and, since you refuse to consider a good name for the ship, I'd at least like to know what all of the letters in its bad name are.

Traal: [whilst angrily shaking his fist at Alyssa] One of these days, just one these days…

Alyssa: Pow, to the Moon, yadda yadda.

Traal: You'd better believe it. [Traal sighs and gently rubs his temples] And, in answer to your question, you're on-board the Jammin' Riffing Ship Beast of Yucca Flats.

Alyssa: That's kinda nifty, actually.

Traal: Really? I thought so, myself.

Alyssa: Indeed. Still doesn't save it from a crappy name like Beast of Yucca Flats, though.

[With that, Traal lets loose a “rarg!” of frustration as Alyssa gleefully scampers off screen-right.]

Traal: I think we'll be taking a commercial break. Bills to pay and muses to maul and all that.

[Traal hits the Commercial Button. Fade to black, as Alyssa's cries of “no! Not that!” and Traal's maniacal cackling are heard echoing from off-stage.]

Commercial: Only you can prevent self-insertion!

[Fade in to the bridge, with both Traal and Alyssa present; the former broadly smiling and the latter quite maudlin.]

Traal: And welcome back to the Beast. Very minor technical difficulties just now, but we shouldn't have anymore, should we? [glares at Alyssa]

Alyssa: Nope, none at all. [mumbling] Still no reason to threaten to space my entire Cardcaptor Sakura collection...

Traal: What was that, just now? Did I hear grumbling? I do have half your CCS DVDs in the airlock already, you know. The Region 2 ones, mind you, just so we're clear.

Alyssa: Oh, it was nothing, nothing at all! Just…um…a muse's random musing?

Traal: Good to hear. [turning to Cambot] Well, given that I've lost all hope of making a grand entrance, I guess introductions are in order. I'm Traal, and this lovely and perpetual torment is Alyssa.

Alyssa: Oh, you're too kind! [does an embellished falsetto bow] Could you possibly paint me in any worse of a light?

Traal: You've been doing that just fine by yourself, thanks. But, since you're so eager to run your yap, why don't you explain who we are and how we got here?

Alyssa: Well, for starters, I'm Alyssa, an extradimensional omniphasic being sent to this plane of existence to lend my creative energies and powers--

Traal: [laughing, faux Scottish brogue] Ba' cap'n, I canna' take any moor o' ye powa'!

Alyssa: …to jackass writers like him.

Traal: That's jackass writer sir to you. [Traal lop-sidedly salutes Alyssa]

Alyssa: Thanks, Herr Chuckles. Are you done?

Traal: Oh, for now, I suppose.

Alyssa: Thank you. [begins to resume spiel, but visibly loses train of thought] This is all your fault.

Traal: What'd I do now?

Alyssa: Caused the collision of two trains of thought. Now, thanks to you, I've lost my place.

Traal: I do believe you'd just broken the ship's technobabbleometer when I interrupted you.

Alyssa: Oh come on. That was so not technobabble.

Traal: You caused half of our Trekkie audience to either have a seizure or an orgasm! Or both, given the demographics and your…um…secondary sexual characteristics.

Alyssa: [glowering] Who's using technobabble now?

Traal: Hey, I just calls'em as I sees'em. [muttering, but barely constrained] Both of them.

Alyssa: Besides, even if it was technobabble, which I'm not conceding it is by any stretch of the imagination, it certainly wasn't Trekkian.

Traal: Because it doesn't rape the series canon or laws of physics?

Alyssa: [pondering for a moment] Actually, I was going to say because it didn't involve reversing the power coupling's polarity, but yours is spot on too. For a geek's answer, that is.

Traal: Now where did I put that airlock remote control…? [rummages around the bridge on hands and knees, much to visual chagrin] And you might want to be more careful handling that punchlines like that. Jokes about reversing the polarity are antiques, dontchaknow.

Alyssa: Sadly, they just make'em that simple anymore, and I know how much trouble you have with more contemporary humor…

Traal: [sticks his head up from behind console] Don't you dare. Just don't. [returns to rummaging]

Alyssa: [smiling impishly] Oh come on now, no need to be ashamed of it. Just because your taste in entertainment hasn't evolved since you were six—

[Traal abounds from the floor, cackling hysterically, holding a remote control of some sort, which can safely be assumed to be the one for the airlock.]

Traal: Last chance, Red. Drop the subject or bad stuff happens to Sakura.

Alyssa: [stammering] Y-you wouldn't dare!

Traal: Wouldn't I? You know how sensitive I am about my tastes. And I am delightfully mad.

Alyssa: Just having a little fun with you, that's all. Not like I was going to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets, like thinking Lain is a waste of celluloid or Bebop being little more than the adventures of two-and-a-half mental patients or liking the Tenchi dub or…

[Traal begins to twitch, with increasing frequency, until Alyssa grasps that the deep, dark, and potentially dangerous secret thoughts of Traal are being broadcast across the cosmos in real-time. At which point, he hits one of the buttons on the remote and the bridge is rocked by a colossal whoosh! as the airlock is blown, its contents sent flying off into the abyss. Alyssa's blood-curdling shriek is heard shortly thereafter, as she races at full speed to attempt to save her collection.]

Traal: Oy. Best start suiting up. She won't let me rest until I've recovered all of those damn discs…

[Traal hits the Commercial Button. Fade to black, then to a man in a spacesuit floating across the abyss.]

Commercial: Vertigo: It does a body good!

[Fade-in to the bridge. Still suited-up Traal is present, as is a rather irate looking Alyssa.]

Traal: Well, I suppose anyone still watching will agree that the third time's the charm. Welcome aboard the JRS Beast of Yucca Flats, where we're boldly going where no one's gone before. I'm Traal, and I'll be your on-board guide and companion for the duration of your stay. [glares at Alyssa] Anything you want to add?

Alyssa: You're delightfully mad.

Traal: Aren't I, though?

Alyssa: And a monumental jackass.

Traal: Hey, wait one damn—

Alyssa: And only a moderately enjoyable roll-in-the-hay.

Traal: [stunned silence for a moment, then gibbering] You…not…say that…we no…DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Alyssa: [snuggling up to Traal] Darling, you mean you don't remember our long nights of hot, passionate love-making? Our night-long orgies of sensual ecstasy?

Traal: That's…that's…just wrong on so many levels. [frantically grabs Cambot and manually brings it into focus on him] It's not like that all! Nothing happened!

Alyssa: [tearing up] You mean you don't love me?

Traal: No, I mean that…well…um…us doing that would be like me having sex with my sister. But that's beside the point, as nothing has happene—

Alyssa: [slapping Traal] Incestuous pervert!

[Alyssa runs, at full-tilt, off-screen-right. Traal calls after her to stop, but she pays him no heed. Seeing that it's fruitless, he audibly cracks jaw and winces in pain from the residual damage from the slap. Takes a seat at the helm, then wheels around to face Cambot.]

Traal: Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Honestly, sometimes it's impossible to tell whether she's being serious or a drama queen. Though it's been rough on her of late. She did mention she's a muse, right? Oh yeah, extradimensional omniphasic being. Throw in a stout Greco-Roman heritage and her history more or less writes itself, doesn't it? Well, normally muses are ethereal and visible only to the master to whom they've been assigned, buuuuut…

[Seemingly at once, a thousand klaxons go off on the bridge, as the lights cut out and strobe lights begin firing from wall mounts just for added effect.]

Traal: Guess I don't have to get fitted for the Captain Exposition supersuit just yet…

[Traal hits a large illuminated button with “Evil Overlord Communications Array Control” inscribed on it, causing the center of the back wall to recede and reveal a septafield viewer, designed largely to spite MST3K. On it are the visages of the quintessential Little Gray and what appears to be a gelatinous cube.]

Gray: Greetings carbon-based flesh sacks!—wait a time gradient! I only see one carbon-based flesh sack. Where's the other one?

Traal: [faux guffawing] Why Mr. Ishtar, flattery will get you everywhere!

Cube: Good evening gentleman. You cannot survive make your time.

Traal: I take it Mr. Spigglesplort is still using whatever broadcasts you guys pick-up as a primer on the English language, isn't he?

Ishtar: Indeed. Whilst the Gelatinoids are savage warriors of unmatched martial prowess, their intellectual competence leaves quite a bit to be desired. But, back to the matter at hand: Where is the other carbon-based flesh sack?

Traal: Oh, Ally is still taking her being a carbon-based flesh sack rather hard.

Ishtar: Excellent! Perhaps what remains of fragile psyche will shatter and she will kill you in a blood frenzy the likes of which will be sung about for centuries.

Mr. Spigglesplort: HULK SMASH!

Ishtar: Precisely as my compatriot said.

Traal: That's…um…wow. Isn't that a little sadistic for a “superior being”, as you never get tired of reminding me, whose people abandoned violence whilst us “pathetic carbon-based flesh sacks were still trying to perfect walking upright”?

Ishtar: Foul! Foul! You know my race's pacifism is off-limits!

Traal: [spitefully] As is my basic biochemistry, but that's never stopped you and the Jell-O Cube from Deep Space from touching on it.

Mr. Spigglesplort: Johnny, tell the man what he's won!

Ishtar: Oh, I shall do just that, my friend. We had been going to go easy on you today, but I think that you and the other carbon-based flesh sack would appreciate two one-way tickets to fan fiction-induced mental pain and anguish much more than simply having to sit through Boa vs. Python.

Traal: Now, there's no need to do anything rash, so if you'd just send us Boa vs. Python and save the badfics for when I really get out of line—

Ishtar: Too late! [hits a large and illuminated button with “Send Torment to the Carbon-Based Flesh Sacks” inscribed on it.]

[The klaxons and strobe lights return, as does a booming voice over the Beast's intercom warning of “ALL HANDS, BRACE FOR IMPACT. THIS IS NOT, REPEAT NOT, A DRILL,” with Mr. Spigglesplort providing commentary on the situation with an echoing “it's going…going…GONE!” as the septafield viewer fades out and Traal finds himself teleported into the theatre next to Alyssa, who already has the popcorn out.]

Alyssa: You owe me. Big time.

Traal: This oughta be good. Howso?

Alyssa: I happen to like Boa vs. Python.

Traal: No accounting for taste, eh?

Alyssa: Truth! Jell-O Cube from Deep Space?

Traal: …shut up. Best I could do on short notice.

>Life, It Can Really Suck

Alyssa: Quickly, Captain Obvious! We must get to the Cave Located Underneath the Ground!

>by invisible1withnofaith

Traal: Wait. How can a digit be invisible?

Alyssa: Or have faith to lack, for that matter?

>Life the Inu group is very...bazaar. Filled with unfortunate events, like death. Read the story to know of what these events are...You can skip the profiles if you >want, but you might want to read them...
>Fiction Rated: T - English - Action/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 9157 - Reviews: 40 - Updated: 7-1-05 - Published: 12-31-04

Alyssa: So, life is like a giant open-air market?

Traal: Forrest Gump ahoy!

>A/N-Hello! This is my second fan fic. My reasons are simple: my first story only has 20 something reviews.

Traal: Uh-oh.

Alyssa: Badfic Exhibit A: Writing for reviews.

>I needed something new!

Traal: I assume you've tried World of Warcraft, yes?

>Oh, this story is very different. It is kinda like my life now!

Alyssa: [gently elbowing Traal] Guess not.

>This is just a profile of the character. The 1st real chapter is coming soon, I promise.

Traal: Oy! The threats we could do without!

>I don't own anything in this story except my character-Kakina. Mine! And the other charters mot from the anime are based on people that I hate or that are my >friends

Traal: Uh-oh.

Alyssa: Badfic Exhibit B: Mary Sue and her friends.

>Just as a heads up, I suck at spelling(my computer doesn't help) and I tend to be very confusing. sry

Traal: Not half as sry as we are.

>Oh, I have no intentions of offending people.

Both: Too late!

>WARNING: KIKYOU BASHING!!

Alyssa: Finally! Something to look forward too!

Traal: Hrrm? I never thought you were the Kikyou-hating-type.

Alyssa: She's a plot device trotted out to generate “character development”. It's my job to hate her.

Traal: Touché.

>This is just the profile of the charters in this story

Traal: Wait, isn't this supposed to be a badfic, not a compilation of history's great governing documents?

>Profiles:

>Kagome: Kag for short.

Alyssa: Apparently it is a badfic, but the author is such an incompetent hack that they can't sound out the word “characters”.

>Her mother is kinda evil to Kagome. She now has a step dad named bob whom she hates to death, but admitting that she hates him would be wrong because that >would allow him to have power over her.

Alyssa: I'll take pop psychobabble for a hundred, Alex.

Traal: And grotesque character mutilations for two.

>And she wasn't about to lose her reputation over her step dad, so she never let him have power over her. So she used the word dislike.

Traal: Well, I'm officially confuzzled.

Alyssa: I assume this has something to do with the gaping logic holes and faulty presuppositions about societal constructs?

Traal: Indeed.

Alyssa: Then you know what my suggestion is.

Traal: Yeah, but not thinking about it makes me think about it all the more so.

>Kagome has a younger brother named Souta. She loves him very much but like any brother. He can be annoying. He is 9 where as Kagome is 15. There is a 6 >year difference, which is why they argue so much and (literally) fight.

Alyssa: Methinks we should consider changing the name to Canon Recap Theatre 3000.

>She was kinda starting to be a punk for the way she was treated in school. Everyone had given her a hard time for no reason at all, well, it might have to do with >the fact that she was different from everyone.

Traal: You keeping score this time, or am I?

Alyssa: I did it last time. And you've got a better head for numbers, anyway.

Traal: Fair enough.

>So Kag would beat the shit out of anyone that had something mean to say about her or her friends. (she normally beat the shit out of them out of school) She felt >that she has been alone all her life, even with her friends by her side to help.

Alyssa: After that…that…

Traal: Serial canon rape?

Alyssa: Bingo. What's the count?

Traal: Already have one cut from the author's characterization butcher's knife for Souta. As for Kagome…

Alyssa: …Just sound the Alternate Universe Alert and stop caring?

Traal: Probably the best course of action.

>She had so mush trouble with school,

Both: [make various shouts of “mush!” and sounds of dogs panting]

>everyone thought they were better than her and wanted to fight her all the time.

Traal: She could, you know, not care about it and tell the rest of humanity to go piss up a rope.

Alyssa: Which worked so well for you that when we met for the first time you thought I was just another voice in your head.

Traal: …shut up.

>She always came out victorious with little scraps.

Both: Of her dignity?

>She hardly cared about in school suspension (IIS) or out of school suspension (OSS).

Traal: Obviously Azrael is a CIA plant to make us think the Japanese fanatically care about school.

>Kagome's friends are Miroku, Sango(BFF), Shippo, Kouga (kinda), Kakina(BFF), Chris, Martin, Ryan and Brent. They had all been friends before elementary.

Traal: …BFF?

Alyssa: Let's see, given from the writing style that it appears to be a female author who yet to graduate from high school, and the characters it's used in conjunction with…

Traal: Best-Friend-Forever?

Alyssa: What I'd wager it to be, at any rate.

>And even though they weren't all gothic or punks, they were all one big gang that only idiots mess with.

Alyssa: Yo', yo', who dey messin' wit?

Traal: Not my posse, G, `cuz we da Inutachi, yo.

Both: [make random Gangland signs at each other]

>Kagome had skills in drawing master pieces, she also had a marvelous singing voice, she was skilled in marital arts (hand to hand, swords, etcetera.), >and karate.

Traal: Wait. I thought Kakina was the Mary Sue.

Alyssa: Maybe the author's projecting.

Traal: Pop psychobabble for two hundred, por favor.

>For all the talent Kagome and her friends had, they decided to make a band. Kagome as the lead singer, Kakina as the back up singer and a backup on the piano,

Traal: Seriously, this is screwing with the very foundations of Mary Suism. All the warning signs are there, yet this is an explicit denial of her superiority to all living beings.

Alyssa: Still early. Maybe she's just toying with us to lull us into a fall sense of security.

>Miroku as the drummer, InuYasha as the lead guitarist, Sango as the pianist, Kouga as the back up guitarist, and Shippo was the manager

Alyssa: And wouldn't Kouga have a problem playing second fiddle—

Traal: Guitar.

Alyssa: --whatever to Inuyasha?

>being boosted up a grade on school.

Traal: Now, now. It isn't nice to point out that he's short. He's sensitive about that.

>Kagome also wrote many of the songs they sang. She could also play the guitar if it was needed. The name of the band was just like them-The Trouble >Makers()It was also the name of the gang itself.

Alyssa: [gently elbowing Traal] Their Department of Nomenclature appears to be even more inept that yours.

>Kagome was also one of the last unknown mikos left on the planet. Yes, Kagome is still a miko in my story. The demons know, so do her friends. Only her most >trusted friends.

Traal: Well, whatever semblance of non-awfulness this work had is now gone. Best start preparing for the inevitable appearance of harmonious interspecies relations.

Alyssa: You're never going to get over “The Bridepens”, are you?

Traal: Only if there's a kind and merciful God.

>InuYasha: his parents died from an insane serial killer.

Traal: How, exactly, do you die from a serial killer?

Alyssa: Methinks the knife entering your gullet probably has something to do with it.

>He was now living with his brother since InuYasha could not support himself. (Sesshomaru being 6 years older than InuYasha.)

Traal: Sweet merciful Din! It is just like “The Bridepens”!

>They were normally heard arguing or fighting. They could be heard throughout the neighborhood.

Traal: …or not.

>Things often broke, like the door had broken off its hinges more than 8 times already.

Alyssa: Hurray for pointless details!

>InuYasha is 17 years old. All the girls want to date him. Even if they know that will be dumped in the same week. Most of the guys hate him for taking all the girls >away, but if they were to start a rummer, they were dead meat.

Alyssa: So, Inuyasha is the average captain of the football team.

Traal: And if the other guys started smuggling rum into the country from the Caribbean, they'd be dead meat.

Alyssa: You are correct about this being confusing, what with its swerving between canon defilement and the more blasé side of reality.

>And they would most likely be on his shit list.

Traal: But to be on his shit list, doesn't he first have to—

Both: Gross!

>Even if the rummer was about InuYasha's family (Sesshomaru) they were dead. They got beaten the worst if the rummer was about his friends. He had many >friends. Their name's are-Miroku, Sango, Shippo, Kouga (kinda), Kakina, Chris, Martin, Ryan and Brent.

Alyssa: Wait. If the rum smuggling proceeds go to either Inuyasha's friends or family, the smugglers get the crap beat out of them?

Traal: Educated in capitalism, these schmucks ain't.

>InuYasha was in the band named T.T.M InuYasha being the lead guitarist, was a very cool person.

Traal: I played guitar too. Why wasn't I cool and popular?

Alyssa: Because Guitarmania in TokiGaiden 2 doesn't count as playing the guitar.

>With the cocky pride, InuYasha, never said sorry and really meant it.

Alyssa: So, does he never say sorry at all or does he never really mean he's sorry?

>Not to mention that if InuYasha got into a fight, the teachers were practically forced to let him fight it out or get hurt themselves. He had skills in the marital arts and >karate, like Kag, only idiots messed with him.

Traal: That and the whole half-dog demon schtick, what with the fangs and claws and superstrength and whatnot.

>InuYasha in still a half demon. Only his demon friends know.

Traal: Who called it? Who called it? [high-fives Alyssa]

>Kakina:(ka-key-na) Kat for short.

Traal: So, if you can get Kat from Kakina, getting two and two to equal five shouldn't be too hard either.

>She's a lot Kagome. But everyone has their differences.

Alyssa: Thanks, Dr. Genetics, for explaining the building blocks of life!

>She lives with her mother whom she secretly hates, but her friends know the truth. Her mother's name was Laura, her father was Eddie. Her mother married Bob. >So Kat didn't see her father that much.

Traal: Ham-fisted family conflict, ahoy!

Alyssa: And wouldn't that make her Kagome's step-half-sister?

Traal: As said, ham-fisted family conflict, ahoy!

>Kat was the same age as Kag, Sango, Martin, Chris, Ryan and Kikyou-15.

Alyssa: Kikyou-15, the newest isotope of…[consults pocket periodic table]…oxygen?

Traal: The ironic implications of a reanimated flowerpot being the fuel for life as we know are just too rich.

>Kat is a total punk/goth(WhatEver) . She enjoys being with her friends, Kat has very few enemies to deal with. Most of the school tries to stay away for the gang >was very protective over everyone. Out of the whole gang, you could call Kakina the softest. She could be cold, but only when she was pissed off and that was >hard to do with her low temper.

Traal: Is it me or is the author confusing high school story stereotypes?

Alyssa: Dollars to donuts it's because she doesn't want to brand her avatar as a Nerd.

>She still had her dark side. That was a very dark side. One of the only reasons that she made it into the gang. She had a very bad past (you will find out later) and >the gang was very shocked that she was holding up this well so far.

Alyssa: This cliché is made all the more pathetic by its use in the profiles as opposed to the story proper.

>As I said before, Kat and Kag were very similar. They were very pretty, don't get me wrong. But Kat had her dream boy friend, Kouga, as Kagome didn't >have a boy friend. (We'll see about that)

Traal: Again with the threats!

>The whole gang practiced and trained together with hand to hand combat, all types of swords, etc. The gangs' band was their own name too, The Trouble >Makers. Most of them were just substitutes. Kat was one of the lucky ones. She could play the key bored/piano and sing. So she was the main pianist and a >back up singer.

Alyssa: All right, all right, we get the point. She's in a band and plays the piano and can sing. Don't need to tell us, what, three or four times?

>Sango:She lives with her aunt and uncle whom are never home. So she tends to be bored with large home and only a brother who is always busy. She, like the >whole gang, is a punk/goth.(WhatEver)

Traal: Wait. I thought everyone in the Inutachi wasn't a goth or punk.

>People never liked Sango because she what she was and had no fear to speak her mind. All that courage got her into the gang she always wanted to be in. With >all her now good friends, The Trouble Makers.

Traal: First on-target characterization thus far. You know, sans being a Poor Little Rich Girl wannabe reject and being in a gang.

Alyssa: And the pointless bolding of the gang's name.

>Sango always could look to Kag or Kat if she needed help with any thing at all. Sometimes Sango was a bit controlling with things. But through it all Kagome and >Kakina stuck by her side.

Traal: Bah! She's supposed to be The Mature One, not The Control Freak.

Alyssa: Methinks it's about time to sound the Fanboy Alert.

>Miroku: lives with step mother and Father. They are always yelling and lecturing him for running away to meet up with his gang. They cared too much for him. He >hated it. So he never listed, his parents where never home at night and slept all day. So, he would throw parties.

Alyssa: Wait. He hated his parents lavishing attention on him?

Traal: Obviously capitalism isn't the only thing these guys don't quite have their heads around.

>Miroku was 17. His best friend is InuYasha, and he is a goth/punk. (i say it again, WhatEver) Everyone but Sango knew that he had a crush on Sango. He is very >perverted around her and only her. Miroku was like family to Kagome and InuYasha.

Alyssa: You know, I'm not an Inuyasha fanboy like you, Traal, but wouldn't a more appropriate modern stereotype for Miroku be the Rich and Lecherous Playboy?

Traal: Drop the Rich part of it and you've got Miroku. And I am not a fanboy.

>He is in the gang The Trouble Makers and their band. He got into the gang by having his name feared on the streets. At school, which was a different story, >people took advantage of him. When he was alone, Naraku's people would out number him. Once, he had nowhere to run. He almost got killed, and since that he >has been accompanied with at least one other member.

Traal: Losing one's handheld quantum singularity can be quite a nuisance. [glares at Alyssa] Not. A. Word.

Alyssa: [whistles innocently]

>(A/N-Most of these charters are not that/as important)

Alyssa: Just because the Treaty of Sevres is obscure doesn't mean it isn't important or that it doesn't have feelings!

>Kouga: He is 15. Kouga's girl friend is Kakina. He gave up on Kagome about a year ago. But know he is very happy that he found Kakina. Kouga is a >goth/punk (last time, WHATEVER) He lives with his step mother and father.

>Kouga got into the gang because his guts. He gets into situations that no human could get out without being killed. So it is basically his mouth and strength. Demon >strength that is.

Traal: Could it be because he's, I dunno…maybe, just maybe, a demon?

Both: Nah.

>Shippo: Shipp for short. He is a genius. Shippo is 14 and he also has a crush on Rin. This, only Kagome, Kakina and Sango know. Shipp's parents died from a >so called car crash, but Shippo refuses to believe that. From the time he was 7, he lived with his last living relatives, Chris. Chris helped Shipp get into the gang. >One thing that Chris did was help him be a goth. Then Chris helped Shipp get tougher by training him. Then Chris got his ass beat by Shippo so he needed to find >a stronger trainer. Chris finally got Shippo into the gang. And he became The Trouble Makers band manager.

Alyssa: A Foul Play Subplot. Wake me when someone is forced into the obligatory “dress up as Sherlock Holmes” scene.

>Rin: Rin is Kagome's cuz, but Kag looked at it as a little sis she never had. All the girls together were very good friends. But there were still things hidden that no >one knew about Rin and Kagome. Rin lived with Kagome most of the time, or she was at one of the other girls homes. Rin got into the gang because she was >tough and hard to break. She would try to get some new fans for their hang out. (Where the band normally played) Other than that she and Shipp were normally >seen fooling around and getting into trouble.

Traal: Well, I can't think of anything to say that doesn't reek of pedophilia, so I'll just take a pass on this one.

>Naraku: Age: 18. Leader of The Krimzon. Not much to say about this Naraku. Well he still hates InuYasha and his gang. He is a total asshole of a prep.

Alyssa: [Yoda] The Ebonics in this one, strong it is. Free from conventional spelling, he has become.

>Sesshomaru: Sesshomaru has his nick names, only to piss him off-Sessey and fluffy. He is 23 in this story. He supports InuYasha, even if they fight so much. >Sesshomaru will not be in the story so much, but when he is, it will most likely be fighting. Sesshomaru is still quite and cold, and he is still a full demon.

Alyssa: Jinkies! My Innuendosense is tingling! I wonder if she means—

Traal: If this leads to a discussion of Fluffy's gizmo, your life is officially forfeited.

Alyssa: Hey, you brought it up, not me.

>Kagura: Kagura is 15 and is still in line with Naraku. Meaning she is in The Krimzon. She is sisters with Kanna, who are thinking of going to The Trouble >Makers. and ditching Naraku.

>Kanna: Kanna is 15 and in The krimzon. Kanna will follow her sister anywhere. Even if she goes to The Trouble Makers.

>Marlin: Part of The Krimzon. He is 16 and a total asshole. Marlin thinks he is the king of the world when nobody is.

>Justin:Is in line with The Krimzon. Both he and Marlin are big enemies to TTM (The Trouble makers). They have too much money, I think it has gone to their >heads.

>Chris: Chris is 15 and is in TTM. One of the funnier members. He has a thing for getting into trouble. He also has a thing for Kakina. Goth as most of the people >in TTM.

>Martin: He is 15, just as most of the members in TTM. He seems to make everyone laugh even in the worst of situations. Goth as most of the people in >TTM.

>Rich: The Preppy Boy and part of The Krimzon with Naraku. He is 15.

>BRYAN: Very odd person. You could call him another nice guy Not an enemy or foe. Age-15

>Ryan: Very small part in the story. In the gang TTM. Age-15. His girl friend is Kelsey.

>Dylan: The nice guy. Not an enemy or foe. Going out with Kikyou. Age-15

>Brent: He is one of the older members of The Trouble Makers, being 17. The best negotiator and gambler.

>Mrs. Bells: The bitchy home room teacher that hates goths.

>Kelsey: She is 15 and not that big a member of The Trouble Makers.

>Amanda: She os just a Slutty/Fucking Bitch. Enemy to The Trouble Makers. She is 16 and is always with Justin or Marlin whenever possible.

Alyssa: Look! It's the Minor Character Channel; all minor characters, all the time!

Traal: Kagura is not a minor character. [realizing he's probably said too much] She's a middling character. [realizing that won't appease Alyssa] Fine! I'm a fanboy!

Alyssa: Admitting you have a problem is the first step to overcoming it.

>Well I told you that I'd have the 2nd(technically first but oh well) chapter up soon! I also give up on trying to take over the bus, so I will not be getting in >as much trouble, thus I can go on the Internet more often. (I blame math class for this chapter)

Traal: You know what this means.

Both: Kill her math teacher!

>Chapter 1-The 1st day still sucks

Both: [make whooping sounds to imitate the Captain Obvious Alert]

>BEEP!! BEEP!! BE-!! WACK!! CRASH!!! Kagome threw her alarm clock across the room. (It was 5:30A.M) Thus, smashing it to pieces.

Alyssa: How, exactly, does one generate a crashing sound from throwing an object across the room?

>`Why does school have to start so early!? I hate school!' Kagome thought(complained) to herself.

Alyssa: The red-haired co-protagonist laughed(cackled) as she gouged(cut out) the Fraal's(Little Gray's) oversized eyes(visual input centers) for stranding(leaving) her in this corporeal(physical) from locked into this phase(dimensional vibration frequency).

Traal: Two words: Rage dump. And not in direction.

>Kagome pushed the warm blankets off her. She then slide her legs off the bed and stood up. She rummaged through her dresser and put on her fave black pants >(covered in zippers, pockets and chains) and a black shirt (That had her favorite bands names on the front, Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, AC/DC, and Lincoln >Park.)

Traal: …there's a band named after alternating and direct current?

Alyssa: Early rap group. Big in the Eighties.

Traal: Not ringing any bells, sorry.

Alyssa: [sighs] They did most of the music in Maximum Overdrive.

Traal: Oooooh. Them. Well, now the author's committed offenses against both canon and good taste.

Alyssa: Seriously, you have got to get out more.

>When she went down stairs, very slowly while getting her walk man ready to play. When she got to the bottom of the stairs, she saw just about to take the C.D >out of its case when she realized that it was quit. Normally Sango could be heard just entering the door with Miroku being the pervert that he was. (If you know >what i mean)

Traal: I think you mean him spying on the girl's locker room. But I'm not sure why you'd have one of those in your house…

>But today, she couldn't hear anyone. Not even her cat, Buyo, was heard walking around.

Alyssa: Could it be that, maybe…I dunno, he was prowling around like cats are inclined to do?

Both: Nah.

>So she leaned against the wall, and slid over to the door frame. Still, she heard nothing. Then she heard someone/something breathing. So then she tilted her head >to see in the other room. It was only her cat Buyo sleeping very soundlessly. So she was now more relaxed when she saw Sango walk through the door. Kagome >put in her eminem ENCORE cd.

Traal: M&M?

Alyssa: Enimem is a more contemporary rapper than AC/DC.

Traal: Rapping chocolate candies? That's brilliant! It's a beautiful visual gimmick and the advertising writes itself!

Alyssa: Not M&Ms—oh, nevermind.

>“Hey Sango. Where the hell is Miroku?!”Kagome could not afford to loss any more time. She then froze because someone grabbed her around the waist and >picked her up and spun around while yelling “BOO!!”

Traal: Chicken Boo was awesome. Why does Warner Brothers insist on denying us Animaniacs DVDs?

>“Get the hell off Miroku!!!!”Miroku finally let go of her. Kagome had dropped her walkman when he grabbed her and now it was broken. The cd was lightly >scratched. Kagome chased him around the house.

Alyssa: Is she telling Miroku to get off of her or to get off himself?

>“That was my last walkman!!!” and with that she jumped on him bringing both of them to the ground. She grabbed his wrists and pulled them behind his >back.

Traal: …she had more than one?

>“OUCH!! I give! I give!”Miroku pleaded.

Traal: [glares menacingly at Alyssa] Don't. Say. A. Thing.

Alyssa: [whistles innocently]

>“Good!”she got off him and walked over to Sango who was laughing her ass off. “Hello. Again. I'm out of here!”Kagome picked up her cd and almost got out the >door but was stopped by Sango.

Alyssa: [Sango] Hold on a sec; I know my left butt cheek fell down here somewhere…

>“We're taking the limos remember!?! We have people that need to be picked up for the hell hole. (School) lets only take the 2 black ones. Fourteen people, lets >stuff 7 in each. I'll take me, Miroku, Bryan, Rin, Shippo, Chris and Martin.”

Traal: You know, half of their problems with peer resentment might vanish if Sango were a bit more low-key with her trust fund monies.

>“Don't want to go with that asshole InuYasha!”

Alyssa: But you're the odds-on favorite to bed him by the time the fic's done!

>A/N-ok, I know that is was short, and a bit of a cliffy. But I just wanted to get it on! Plz review!!! U want to know to what will happen!? Me want 3 reviews.( I >will try to make the chapters longer if wished)

Traal: Lame high school melodrama does not a cliffhanger, pseudo- or otherwise, make.

>A/N-Thank you all for the reviews! Yes I know the last chapter was short, this one is longer! Enjoy!

>IMPORTANT-IN THE LAST CHAPTER, AT THE END, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RYAN, NOT BRYAN.

Alyssa: …hrrm? Ryan? Bryan? Who now?

Traal: Revenge of the Minor Character Channel, methinks.

>Chapter 2-the First day still sucks Part 2

Traal: The film adaptation just screams for the subtitle of “Even Suckier Than Before”.

>“Sango!! I'm gonna kill her!”Kagome was already having a bad day and Sango was making it worse. Now Kagome was stuck with InuYasha, Kouga, Kakina, >Brent and Kelsey. Being one of the leaders for The Trouble Makers, she had to follow along with Sango's decisions, sometimes. Didn't mean she couldn't piss >InuYasha off. Now Kagome had a smirk on her face, which was quite scary.

Traal: Well, it would seem that she's going to add being a bitch to resume.

Alyssa: Big help it'll be, too. I tried it and it got me this gig!

Traal: …you're not helping.

>She went in the limo and was listing to Green Day-Boulevard of Broken dreams. (If you know the song, good, if you don't, deal with it.)

Traal: The Earth Liberation Front has a theme song now?

>They had to pickup InuYasha first. The song was over by time Kagome got to InuYasha's house They had to pickup InuYasha first. The song was over by time >Kagome got to InuYasha's house.

Traal: Ack! We're caught in a temporal inversion!

Alyssa: Brace for Groundhog Day 2!

>The door opened and InuYasha took a seat right across from Kagome who was switching the CD to Lincoln Park's numb. She purposely turned up the volume to >piss off InuYasha and his sensitive hearing.

Traal: Just keep telling myself that it's an alternate universe…character mutilation is to be expected…to be embraced…

>He simply turned the volume down with a cokey smirk on his face. Kagome just turned it even louder.

Alyssa: I never knew Inuyasha had a drug problem.

>“Jeez do you have to listen to that so loud!”InuYasha yelled over the music while covering his ears.

Traal: [Kagome] I'm fifteen. Obnoxiously loud music is required for sustenance.

>“I like it loud, so deal with it.”Kagome said with fire in her eyes. InuYasha once again turned it down. This time he turned it off. Kagome kicked him in the chest >forcing his into his seat. She just glared at him.

Alyssa: I think she just flashed the whole limo with that kick.

>“Fucking bitch. What was that for.”InuYasha said with anger in his voice.

Alyssa: But then who's she—

Traal: For the love of God, stop! It's a piece of the vernacular. Just roll with it.

Alyssa: [mumbling] But then who's she rolling with it [with in the sack]?

>“That was for touching my CD player.”Kagome said (glaring at InuYasha) not realizing that they were at Kouga's stop, and that he had Kakina with him. Kouga >sat on InuYasha's left and Kakina, a girl that looked to be about 15 with long black hair, brown eyes that held little happiness in them, sat on Kagome's Right.

Alyssa: I'm sure knowing their locations will come in handy for when we play musical chairs later.

>Both had on black pants with chains and zippers. Kakina had a tight black shit that said `You've got no past. And from the looks off things, not much future', >Kouga had a black hoddie with the grim reaper on it.

Traal: Were three sentences detailing what they were wearing really necessary?

>“Are you two still fighting! You two don't know how to behave!”Kakina said Interrupting InuYasha and Kagome's staring contest.

Traal: [Kakina] No dessert for a week!

>WITH SANGO AND MIROKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both: WAH WAH WAH!

>“Hey Ryan. How are things on the block? Any new people?”

Alyssa: Well, there are some New Kids, and everyone says they're the next big thing…

>Sango questioned a boy around 15, blue eyes, with a `Led Zepplen'(did I spell that right?) hoddie and pants that were all black with some chains and zippers. (Oh, >Miroku is wearing black pants with some chains and a red shit that has black flames with a skull. And Sango is wearing black pants with zippers and a tight black >shirt that says `We will spare no one'.)

Alyssa: …you can wear feces?

Traal: And it comes in a color other than manure brown?

>Ryan replied “Only one. . . no three. Amanda, Justin, and Marlin. All snobby assholes.”He took his seat by the window and the limo drive off.

Traal: And three is the number you shall count to before, not two, not four, not five; three shall be number, no more, no less; upon the counting of three ye shall throw the Holy Hand Grenade…

>“Any trouble with the new comers?”Miroku questioned with some seriousness.

Alyssa: [Minnesotan] Oh, they may be social dregs, but at heart they're good kids, dontchaknow.

>“Some, but you should now that they are quite strong. They have started some fights, but other than that nothing major.”Ryan said in his normal, calm tone. As the >limo drove off to Rin's stop, you could hear Sango yell at Miroku for groping her.

Traal: Obviously they adhere to the rule of no shots, no foul.

Alyssa: Isn't that also the hunters' creed?

>WITH INUYASHA AND KAGOME!!!!!!!!!!

Both: WAH WAH WAH!

>“Oh shut up Kakina”InuYasha said rather meanly.

>“Oh back off InuYasha! What did she ever do to you!”Kagome argued with InuYasha.

>“Okay No more arguing” said Kouga.

>“Smart ass!”muttered InuYasha.

>“Better than a dumb ass!”Kagome kinda said louder than she wanted to.

Traal: Witty banter brought to you by invisible1withnofaith. Can there be anything more delightful?

Alyssa: A root canal, gouging out my eyes with a rusty spork, Battlefield Earth…

>“KAGOME!! Stop fighting with InuYasha,”InuYasha snickered, “That goes for you too InuYasha!”Kakina and Kouga both yelled at them. Kagome and >InuYasha just stared at each other till they came at Brents house.

Traal: I'd hum “Duel of the Fates”, but I have too much respect for one of the few good things in Episode I.

>“Hey Brent. Any thing new?”Kakina questioned an elder looking boy about 17 wearing black bagie pants with a black shirt that said `One can not hide from the >hidden'. He first took a seat on the right of InuYasha, next to the window.

Alyssa: But why would you want to hide from something that's hidden?

>“Not much, no one new in the neighborhood. How about you guys?”

Traal: Been better.

Alyssa: Same here.

>Brent was always answering questions with another question.

Traal: Except that, in this instance, he answered the question, after which he posed another question.

>“Other than Kagome and InuYasha fighting like never before, nothing.”Kakina spoke up while looking out the window, watching the scenery go by. The rest of >the ride was quiet. They came to the least liked member if the TTM, Kelsey. InuYasha and Kagome kept on staring at each other throught out the rest of theride.

Alyssa: But would they be fighting with such vigor and vitriol if they'd never fought before?

Traal: Ally, I know your inner muse urges you to point out the contradictions of modern English vernacular, but could you please resist it a little more?

>WITH SANGO AND MIROKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both: WAH WAH WAH!!!!!!!

>At Shippos and Chris's stop, Martin showed up there too.

>“Hey”was all Martin said when he got in the limo.

>Chris said “Waz up?” (More to Miroku than anyone else)

Both: [with mouths fully open and tongues extended] WASABI?!

>“Not much. You?”Miroku answered happily.

>Shippo and Rin talked for the rest of the ride.

Traal: I'd check the fic for a pulse, but I think I'd be wasting my time.

>SLAP!

Alyssa: Gasp! Action!

Both: Yay!

>“HENTI!!!”

Traal: Typo or the inability to use basic otaku terminology?

Alyssa: The world may never know.

>Miroku now had a second red hand print on his face, one on each side. Whim they got to the school, Kagome was waithing out side for them to get there. Sango >and the rest of the group jumped out of the car and went over to Kagome.

Alyssa: [cringes]

Traal: You just hate when people describe anime visuals, don't you?

Alyssa: [scratches at imaginary rash] It burns, it burns!

>“Let's go.” was all Kagome said before leaving to get to class early! She was never early for class, so everyone was shocked and astonished.

Alyssa: [Valley Girl] Like ohmigawd! Kagome can like, so, totally use a watch and stuff! [leers at Traal] Like I so, totally, like haven't had a guy in, like, you know, four whole minutes! Wanna, like, you know, like make-out or something?

Traal: [glowering at Alyssa] You know, you could avoid hurting yourself by not starting in the first place.

Alyssa: [laughing, wheezing] Oh yeah, it hurt, and still does, like hell, but the look on your face…priceless…

>ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Both: WAH WAH WAH!!!!!!!

>Kagome, InuYasha, Kakina, and Martin were out side there home room, chatting. Well, only Kakina and Martin were. As for InuYasha and Kagome. . .

>“Ohmygod-shut the fuck up asshole!”Kagome shouted furiously to InuYasha who was pissing her off like no tomorrow.

Traal: You got anything that doesn't involve critiquing the vernacular or a pun about the anus? I most certainly don't.

Alyssa: Nope. Guess this sleeping dog will keep lying.

>Sorry for the shortness but I have to go to bed! TTYL!! SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

Alyssa: Oh, I've heard worse reasons to stop writing…

Traal: What? That? It was one time! One time!

Alyssa: Canceling a writing session on account of rain once is one time too many.

Traal: It was a hurricane! Power was out! I didn't have a choice!

Alyssa: Suuuuuure you didn't…

>1A/N-Thank you for the reviews. Oh, the anonymous person,(that called themself Inuyasha)Fuck you and have a nice day! (I'm not taking that persons bull shit! >So if don't like the story, fuck you)

Alyssa: Definitely the way to attract reviews; insult reviewers!

>Life, It Can Really Suck-The fight between Miko and Demon

>“Tell me why I should shut up.”InuYasha said in his infamous, smart ass tone.

>“Because I can kick you out of the TTM! That's why! So just shut up.”Kagome yelled in Inuyashas face.

Traal: [Kagome] Nyah, nyah, I've got the power and you don't, niener, niener!

>“Hmpf! That not true, Sango has to agree on that too. So ha!”A smirk was now on InuYashas face.

Alyssa: Sadly enough, that's a credible retort under the circumstances.

>“I have black on Sango! She will change her mind, believe me!”Kagome shouted back at InuYasha as his smirk fell into a frown.

Traal: So? I've got aquamarine on Kohaku!

>“You wouldn't have black mail an your best friend, now would you.”InuYasha said with all seriousness, fearing that he would get kicked out of something that was >his life.

Traal: Real Kagome? Nope. Evil, Twisted, “Life, It Can Really Suck” Alternate Universe Kagome? Most definitely.

>WITH MARTIN AND KAKINA!!!!!!!!!!

Traal: Well, that's officially old.

Alyssa: Heaven forbid she use a real transition.

>“Why do they fight so much! Can't they at least act like friends sometimes!”Kakina said with the frustration showing in her voice from all the fighting and >yelling.

Alyssa: Not if they're not, you know, friendly.

>“Let them battle it out, then maybe they won't be arguing this much.”Martin said will motioning Kakina to follow him.

Traal: Indeed. A sound piece of advise, that.

Alyssa: Meaning the odds are that it won't be followed.

>“They have been it too many fights already, not that many fist fights thought.”Kakina reminded Martin while waving to Miroku and Sango from across the >hall.

Alyssa: So, if I'm surveying the carnage of the English language properly, they fight like an old married couple whose spats occasionally spiral into physical violence?

Traal: Methinks so, yes.

>“That maybe true but-”Martin got cut off by none other than a curious (Monk) Miroku followed by Sango.

Traal: I think we've found the author's signature mutilation of the language.

Alyssa: Hurray for disruptive and redundant words in parentheses!

>“What may be true?”Miroku questioned Martin whom was stating to get annoyed for basically no reason. Unless you count Miroku butting in. Which was very a >small thing compared to what other people say to him.

Alyssa: You tell us.

>“Fuck you Miroku!”Martin yelled at Miroku turning to Sango, “I think that InuYasha and Kagome are going to get into a world war three. . . (silence). . .A big >fight!”Martin said a tone like `how stupid are you' getting there attention.

Traal: Technically, World War Five, after the Cold War and war against Islamofascism. Hell, probably Six, after the probable Sino-American war…

Alyssa: Down Simba, down. Not everyone reads Commentary.

>“Shit! Lets get over there!”Sango exclaimed while running to InuYasha and Kagome's home room to see InuYasha and Kagome taking Insults, that would turn to >blows.

Alyssa: Look! It's an insult! It's a punch! It's SUPERMAN!

>WITH KAGOME, INUYASHA, MARTIN, SANGO, MIROKU, AND KAKINA.

Traal: My muted trumpet's still broken.

>(The fight has gone on for a while)

Alyssa: As quintessential a Ratliffian action sequence as has ever been penned by someone other than the master.

>“You think you, a human, can take me, a half demon!”InuYasha said very cokey, “I'd like to see you try, wench.”that was the last straw, Kagome had enough of >InuYasha's bull shit. Kagome lunged at him when he was laughing at her.

Traal: I thought he was half-dog-demon, not half-bull-demon.

Alyssa: Either way, there's a whole lot of bull in him.

>“Now what are going to do dog boy! Huh!”Kagome was now shouting in his face.

Traal: Laugh wryly at your insolence and then run you through.

>“Only thing I can do. . . ”InuYasha basically kissed Kagome on the lips. She froze up.

Both: [shocked silence]

Alyssa: Was that…?

Traal: A genuine unexpected, if cliché, twist? Yes. Yes it was.

Alyssa: You know, if I weren't still stunned, I'd be forced to beat you senseless for all the contradictions in what you just said.

>`Good. Now is my chance.' InuYasha thought evily. He flung her off with his arms. She was still shocked from InuYasha's actions. That shock soon turned to >anger as InuYasha got up and laughed at her.

Traal: Burninated! [gets hit on the back of the head by Alyssa] Guess you've regained use of your motor skills…

>“You are such an ass hole you know that!”Kagome said in a very threatening tone as she advanced on him, she was pissed.

>“What the hell was that for!”Kagome yelled at a snickering InuYasha.

Alyssa: I'm not sure, but from the characterization, I suspect it involves much mustache twirling and tying of damsels to railroad tracks.

>sorry I had to end it there. . . but. . . I want more reviews!

Alyssa: Glad that's over.

Traal: For now.

Alyssa: True. But one thing's been bothering me.

Traal: What's that?

Alyssa: How, exactly, did you manage to sit down in that seat while still in your EVA suit?

Traal: Oh, you know, bit of this, bit of that, large-scale displacement and rearrangement of my internal organs. The usual.

Alyssa: …does it hurt?

Traal: Like a mofo. But it was a pleasant distraction from the assault on my other senses by the fic. [tries to stand up, but finds himself firmly ensconced] Crap.

Alyssa: You're stuck?

Traal: [exasperated] Gee, you think?

Alyssa: No need to get snippy. [begins trying various approaches to shimmying him out] Damn. You're in there tight.

Traal: Means we're going to have use the transporter.

Alyssa: On it. [gets up and heads for the rear of the theatre]

Traal: And get the morphine ready while you're up!

>Oh this got sent to me by `I don't know'-send the message around!

Traal: Hrrm? There's more? Guess I'm flyin' solo for a spell.

>----- Original Message -----
>Sent: Friday, January 21, 2005 1:11 PM
>Subject: Long Live Anime!

Traal: Sieg anime!

>Dear Online Anime ComunityOAC
>Hello My online name Is Rei Ayanami

Traal: Oh yes, that's really original…

>I would like to

>address you on a certain issue that really pisses me
>off, some Christians on or w/e it is, are
>trying to ban Anime in the U.S.A.

Traal: [shouting] Ally? Ally?! I think we've got a problem down here…

Alyssa: [back of the theatre, shouting] Cabins and corridors are pressurizing; should be able to get out soon.

>That means no more
>Trigun cowboy bebop Inuyasha or any of those anime's
>on adult swim, it also means no anime merchandise will
>be sold in the U.S. ALSO they are trying to make so
>that if you possess anime materiel you can be
>jailed/and or fined.

Traal: [shouting] Ally, time is a factor…

Alyssa: [mumbling to access panel] Come on baby, pressurize…

>Now that's just messed up soooo
>me and a couple of my friends decided this is not
>right so what were doing is making an anti petition
>that will be sent to the president if anime is
>actually banned

Traal: [matter-of-factly] Critical mass achieved. Mental breakdown commencing.

Alyssa: [back of the theatre, shouting] What was that? I couldn't quite make it—

Traal: TURQUOISE BICYCLE SHOE FINS ACTUALIZE RADISHES GREENLY!

Alyssa: Oh. Right. Critical mass achieved. Mental breakdown commencing.

>All you have to do is copy and paste this email onto a
>NEW email and then add your nameREAL NAME,
>rp/nickname/anime name afterwards if you wish, and
>what state you live in, age if you want thank you and
>LONG LIVE ANIMEEEEE!!

Traal: [singsong] CAPTAIN PLANET, HE'S A HERO--

Alyssa: Almost there…

Traal: [singsong] -GONNA TAKE POLLUTION DOWN TO ZERO—

Alyssa: Almost there…

Traal: [singson] -HE'S OUR POWERS MAGNIFIED—

Alyssa: [giddily] There! [activates site-to-site transmission and nothing happens; proceeds to beat the access panel] Restart required? Who the hell uses Windows ME to power a starship?

Traal: [singsong] -AND HE'S FIGHTING ON THE PLANET'S SIDE!

Alyssa: Bingo! [activates site-to-site again]

[This time, miraculously, the transporter works and the two of them are zapped back onto the bridge. Free from his seated prison, the now unhinged Traal flails hither and yon as he enters the second verse of the Captain Planet closing theme.]

Alyssa: Ack. Where'd I put that tranquilizer gun? [turns to Cambot] Yeah, this is going to take a while, so enjoy this commercial whilst I try to restrain him without hurting him. Too much.

[Alyssa hits the Commercial Button. Fade to black with her saying “here kitty, kitty, kitty…”]

Commercial: Aeode's Choice; the only tranquilizers guaranteed by Mt. Olympus to knock that rampant author out cold in just one shot.

[Fade in to the bridge. A seated, shirtless Traal looks like he's been through the ringer, sporting a black eye, bandaged mid-section, and a rather unsightly goose-egg hidden beneath an ice-pack. Alyssa stands behind him, gently rubbing his shoulders, presumably providing a little tender, loving care.]

Alyssa: It's going to be all right. We live in a free market-based society with a government founded upon the limitations of restraint and individual liberty.

Traal: …but what about Kelo vs. City of New London?

Alyssa: An aberration that will be overturned once Justice Souter, Breyer, Kennedy, Ginsburg, or Stevens shoves off this mortal coil.

Traal: Thanks for the pep talk. Sometimes I wonder what'd happen to me around here without you.

Alyssa: Methinks you'd be doing your best “'Hitomi Toujite' as sung by a raving lunatic” rendition to date.

Traal: I broke into song? Ack. Please tell me I didn't fire up one of the Region 2 Karaoke Revolutions like last time.

Alyssa: Worse, actually.

Traal: …how much worse?

Alyssa: [singsong, snapping fingers to the beat] Captain Planet, he's a hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero!

Traal: [shuddering] I feel so…so…violated.

Alyssa: [wrapping arms around Traal's shoulders] There, there. The blather about the Eeeeeeeeeeeeee-vil Puritan Evangelicals wanting to ban anime drove you temporarily insane. You weren't in control of yourself.

Traal: Thanks. Again. I feel a little cleaner already. [looks up at Alyssa] But just where did you become so understanding? You certainly didn't get it from me.

Alyssa: Oh, let's just say I've had it building up for a while in the ol' Emotional Repository. Certainly didn't expend any on those seemingly innumerable thirteen year-olds who wanted “hot grrl-on-grrl axshon” in their Tenchi lemons I was stuck with before I met you. [lets go of Traal, heads off-screen] Ready to head back in?

Traal: I suppose so, but this time it's personal. No fic makes me sing the Captain Planet theme and gets away with it. None.

[Both file back into the theatre, take their seats, and prepare to resume having their senses barraged by dubious writing elements and debatable spellings.]

>A/N-Thank you to-

>Destiny (My cuz)

>Lil'Inu-Yasha

>Kree the Wolf

>Lover4Inuyasha

>Prankstermaster

>Inuyasha (even if you flamed me!)

>pinksk8ter

>freakInubone (hello Stacy!)

>Ice Maiden Yumi

>DarkHeartKeyBlade

Alyssa: [singsong] We are similar to, but legally distinct from, the Lollypop Children, the Lollypop Children…

>On last thing, one person (I prefer not to mention any name at the moment) asked why I hate prep and also says that all goths punks say the same >thing.

>I hate them because all throught elementary they would make fun of everything I did... EVERYTING!

Traal: Badfic Exhibit…what, D? Don't write fiction as a means of rage dumping.

Alyssa: That's what LiveJournals are for, after all.

>I got so Flipin' sick of all there shit!

Traal: If you're going to use the F-word, go for the gold.

>That's all!

Both: Yay!

>Life, It Can Really Suck-The fight between Miko and Demon Part 2

Both: Boo!

>“What the hell was that for!”Kagome yelled at a snickering InuYasha.

Traal: We've fallen into a timevoid! We're back in the last chapter!

Alyssa: WAH WAH WAH!

>“It was the only way to get you off

Traal: My back?

>of me.”InuYasha said in a know it all tone.

>“You are really pissing me off!”that was all InuYasha heard before his back hit the ground roughly.

Alyssa: One would assume, given his already harped upon sensitive hearing, he'd have heard the sound of her fist careening into one part or another of his person.

Traal: Well, he never was the sharpest tool in the shed…

>`That hurt. She's gonna pay for that. Maybe I could mess with her mind some more.'InuYasha thought evilly.

Traal: [twirling imaginary mustache] And I'll get your little dog, too! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!

>He looked up to see Kagome so pissed of. InuYasha jumped up and growled. He ran at Kagome with his speed, she didn't see that coming.

Alyssa: Someone needs to lay off the Jolt.

>She opened her eyes to hear people cheering for InuYasha while some others shouted at Kagome to get her ass back up.

Traal: Another action-packed action sequence!

>Kagome stood up with grace.

Alyssa: Kelly?

>She looked to be un harmed but inside she was in pain.

Traal: [Kagome, quivering] My daddy touched me…down there…

Alyssa: Don't give the author any ideas.

>Her stomach hurt from InuYasha punching her and her back because of the fall.

Both: [More sirens from the Obvious Alert]

>“Think that could hurt me?”

Both: Yes.

>Kagome still spoke as strong as ever with a mocking tone.

Alyssa: If I'm mocking tone deaf, does that mean I have an ear for music?

>“Better think again!”

Traal: Fine.

Both: [ponder for a moment] Yes.

>Kagome yelled at InuYasha as she ran at him again with a punch ready to him.

Alyssa: See Spot run!

>“Jeez!”InuYasha gassed

Traal: [dons gas mask] The Jerries are usin' chlorine!

Alyssa: …where did you get that?

Traal: Always keep it around. Comes in handy for dealing with coolant leaks and fart jokes in Smell-O-Vision.

>as he barley dodged the hard punch that Kagome just through only to dodge another one.

Alyssa: Wait. So the second punch came through the first one? Isn't that…?

Traal: A DBZ technique given prose form?

Alyssa: [scratches at that imaginary rash once again]

>`It takes twice as much energy to miss than it does to hit your target' Kagome remembered her master saying to her on day in training.

Traal: Nope, fairly sure the same amount of energy is expended when throwing a punch regardless of whether it hits or misses.

>“What's wrong Kagome? You seem slow.”

Alyssa: Just because she doesn't fully understand the ramifications of her presence in her own past does not mean that she's slow.

Traal: [coughing] So who's the fanboy now?

Alyssa: Still you, unless your reproductive organs became innies when I wasn't looking.

Traal: …shut up.

>InuYasha mocked Kagome as he pushed her shoulders back and she fell to ground.

Traal: [Inuyasha] Yo, yo, I'm da big dawg `cuz I ruffs up da womenfolk, ya dig?

>`I'll kill him!'

Both: We'll help!

>Kagome angrily thought while trying to get up only to kicked rather hard in the side by InuYasha.

Alyssa: Win the Girl By Beating Her Senseless, the new surefire way to pick up that lady you've had your eye on. Brought to you by the creators of the Grapefruit Diet and 3DO.

>“Kick her again!”was chanted by some girls.

Traal: I didn't know the cheerleading squad had arrived.

>InuYasha smirked as Kagome tried to get up once more. InuYasha lifted his left leg

Alyssa: Looks like he's going to mark his territory…

>and hit Kagome in the same side as hard as he could with out killing her.

Traal: Because killing her is immensely worse than beating her to within an inch of her life.

>Some of the kids gasped and then shouted “You asshole!”just as Kagome hit the wall with a bang.

Alyssa: …but how do you get a “bang” sound from hitting a wall?

Traal: Maybe there were lockers there that weren't worthy of description.

Alyssa: But that would give you a “clang”, not a “bang”.

Traal: Then sleeping dogs, Ally. Sleeping dogs.

Alyssa: But they'd alternate between snoring and barking, not banging.

>She lie there for a second or two before starting to get up again.

Traal: I know it violates the Protagonist's Creed, but wouldn't staying down would be the most pragmatic course of action in this instance?

>Kagome was now standing proudly, with the sun shining on her to the left.

Alyssa: [deadpan] I am bedazzled by the author's breathtakingly vibrant description of Kagome's upright position and the Sun's position in the mid-morning sky.

>“You are a true coward... as they say `when you are on the ground, they will kick you like the coward they are.'

Traal: Confucius say Confucius no write stinky proverb like that!

>So you see InuYasha, I was down, you kicked me twice. You will now pay.”

Traal: One million dollars.

Alyssa: [Kagome] I do take credit, but you'd be better off with cash, as with plastic you get hit with a service charge.

>Kagome said calm and steady.

Alyssa: Then where are the quotation marks?

>`What the hell does that mean?'

Traal: I'd pull out my dictionary, but I think that gag's too good for this fic.

>InuYasha though very confused

Both: He's not the only one!

>`It means `Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower' Asshole.

Traal: I am the sticky gum on the bottom of your shoe, I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am Darkwing Duck!

>Kagome read his mind and spoke to him, clearly freaking him out.

Traal: [spasming] Kagome has…psychic powers?

Alyssa: There, there. Must be a typo.

Traal: [calming down] Yeah. Gotta be a typo. Has to be.

>The look on his face was priceless! Kagome couldn't help but put on smirk.

Alyssa: Why didn't you tell me this was a Mastercard commercial?

>“Speechless!”

Traal: An apt way to describe the fic, yes.

>Kagome said trying not to crack up. InuYasha just looked even stupider until he finally realized why she was laughing at him.

Both: Makes one of us!

>He put a very pissed face and growled enough to get Kagome to be completely serious again.

Both: [make growling noises]

>“Now what are you going to do now. Your attacks don't seem to hurt as much... are you growing soft?”

Alyssa: [Kagome] Well, my nipples have been getting tender lately…

>Kagome Questioned InuYasha who was getting even more pissed off by the second.

Traal: The author needs a thesaurus. There are other ways to say “to get or be angry” other than “pissed off”.

>“Shut up. I'm sick of your small talk. . .all talk and no act-”

Traal: Certainly describes Monica Stori.

>InuYasha stopped talking, can you guess why?

Alyssa: It just dawned on him he was in a bad piece of fanfiction?

>Kagome punched InuYasha roughly in the jaw, sending his mouth shut.

Both: Yay!

>He took a few steps back and wiped the back of his hand over his bottom lip to see some blood from when he just bit his lip because Kagome and her hell >punches.

Traal: [Inuyasha] Yep. Still red.

>`Dam, that hurt...she's gotten better, I didn't even see that coming' InuYasha though as he smirked.

>“Have I really?”Kagome mocked InuYasha's thoughts “You haven't changed a bit”

Traal: It wasn't a typo! It wasn't a typo! KAGOME IS A TELEPATH!

Alyssa: You going to be okay?

Traal: Probably not, but that's never meant anything before.

>A/N- yes, I know, It is short. I just wanted to update.

Alyssa: “I have found solid alpha and beta readers,” would have been a far better update.

>Don't yell at me plz! cowers in fear

Both: Too late!

>Just a note!

>I Will (try) to have both of my stories update be this Friday! soooooo sry for the wait! Very, busy with many things!

>(This Friday is my birthday!) once again-i'm so sorry!

Alyssa: Woo hoo! A reprieve!

Traal: Let's jet. I've got work to do.

[Our plucky band of adventurers, or whatever you'd like to call the two of them, file out of the theatre and return to the bridge. Traal immediately wheels out a whiteboard and begins penning formulas and rudimentary geometric shapes on it, much to Alyssa's bewilderment.]

Alyssa: Just what are you doing?

Traal: [finishing the last of his computations] Whilst we were sitting through that bizarre spectacle of a fight scene, I had an insight and an idea.

Alyssa: I always get worried when you start thinking.

Traal: Har, har. Your drollness aside, I think I've made a major breakthrough in the realm of alternate universe physics.

Alyssa: Oh, this ought to be good. [grabs a seat] Tell me, Dr. Fanfiction, what have you discovered today?

Traal: [forcibly ignoring Alyssa's sarcasm] So far, we've witnessed a warping in this fic with regards to characterization and plot vis-à-vis the original in complexity and quality. So, if we were to graph it, we'd see the fic's vertex moving further and further away from zero, which is canon.

Alyssa: Thank you, Captain Obvious. You've just stated the nature of ninety percent of all alternate universe fics.

Traal: True, but here's the catch; there's movement along the Z-axis, as well.

Alyssa: …huh?

Traal: If we were to plot the fic in three dimensions, we'd see movement on the up-and-down axis; the Z-axis. It's authorial bias, which determines the rate of deviation from the canon work.

Alyssa: So…what you're telling me is you've isolated what makes alternate universe fiction so bad?

Traal: Mathematically, yes.

Alyssa: And that means…what, exactly?

Traal: Everything! The mysteries of the creative arts lay at our feet! Authorial bias is the causation of deviance from spirit and letter of the canon, which accounts for most if not all of the horrors created by alternate universe works.

Alyssa: But what good is that math mumbo-jumbo to us?

Traal: Authorial bias is calculable and predictable. We could, for instance, mathematically predict the quality of a fic from the first paragraph. Hell, even the author's notes could work.

Alyssa: That's interesting, but…

Traal: “What's the use when we already know we're going to be getting crap?”

Alyssa: Bingo.

Traal: Since we can now, mathematically, create a working alternate universe fic that does not stink, I plan on building a computer program to crank them out by the tens of thousands so as to flood the fandom with quality works, crowding out the badfic writers and raising the mean and median qualities of the works within the fandom.

Alyssa: That's…um…ambitious, to say the least.

Traal: I thought so.

Alyssa: It's also the most damn fool idea I've ever heard. Running a program like that would require computing power the likes of which humanity has not yet dreamed of.

Traal: We're on a starship capable of jumping 8,000 light-years at a stretch. If it can handle the computations for all the stellar bodies between two points several hundred million billion miles apart, I think it can handle writing good fanfiction.

Alyssa: Need I remind you that you barely know how to seal the airlock when you go EVA? There's no way you could code a program to do what you want using the ship's computer, at least not anytime in the near future.

Traal: But—

[The Bad Fanfic Sign lights and klaxons go off. Both head back into the theatre, with Alyssa telling Traal to drop his idea and much whining from Traal that it's a good idea whose time is about to come.]

>A/N-umm…plz don't kill me! I lost some of my data and I now I can't flipin' find it! Sry! On with the longest chapter of my life! (For now! But if u want them >longer, then the times I update my be longer apart… your choice!)

Alyssa: Going to be the longest of ours, too.

>Last chapter-

Traal: I got my muted trumpet fixed over the break! WAH WAH WAH!

>“Shut up. I'm sick of your small talk… all talk and no act-”InuYasha stopped talking, can you guess why? Kagome punched InuYasha roughly in the jaw, >sending his mouth shut. He took a few steps back and wiped the back of his hand over his bottom lip to see some blood from when he just bit his lip because >Kagome and her hell punches. `Dam, that hurt...she's gotten better, I didn't even see that coming' InuYasha though as he smirked.

>“Have I really?”Kagome mocked InuYasha's thoughts “You haven't changed a bit”

Alyssa: Is she going to do a recap at the beginning of every chapter?

Traal: I think she's responding to our complaints about her deviating from Takahashi's style of storytelling.

>“Hey! What's going on over here?”Mr. Zach questioned as he pushed through the crowed that had formed.

Traal: [crusty Appalachian] Damn `onery crow varmints, constantly thievin' all `o me corn!

>“Ahh… I see, Kagome wanted to try to hurt the defenseless InuYasha.”Mr. Zach said calmly with a smirk on his face.

Alyssa: Is he trying to be wry or sarcastic? I can't tell.

Traal: Neither can the author, methinks.

>“I'll see to the matter right now. Kagome you have… four days of out of school suspension starting now! Leave the school now!”

Alyssa: Neither, apparently.

>Kagome began to leave, but she stopped and turned to InuYasha. She began to walk up to him and then thought better of it, in stead she just telepathically `Today, >same place. All must be there by 11:00 am'

Traal: Again, where the hell did she gain telepathy as a power?

Alyssa: Aren't you the one who told me to roll with it? Might want to take a smidgen of your own advice.

>she just smiled and turned on her heal out the main entrance.

Traal: And where'd she get the mutant healing factor?

Alyssa: You're reaching.

Traal: Or maybe there's an X-Men crossover looming.

Alyssa: Now you're overextending.

Traal: Given the way the characters have been butchered, anything can happen.

>When she got outside she looked at her watch and noticed that she had one hour to get the hang out ready.

Both: Yay! Lynchings!

>Kakina, Sango, Rin, InuYasha, Miroku, Kouga, Chris, Martin, Shippo and Brent were all shocked by Kagomes sudden call of a meeting. (And the fact that she >said it telepathically.)

Traal: It's against the law to not report an unregistered telepath to PsiCorps.

Alyssa: [patting Traal on the back] That's the spirit! Take it in stride!

Traal: No, not really. Just the image of Bester mindraping Evil, Twisted, “Life, It Can Really Suck” Uberbitch Kagome brings a smile to my face.

>soon the crowed dissipated, the TTM members were all that was left when the bell for home room rang about 5 mins later. No one had said anything. Nothing. >Just stood there and stared at each other.

Alyssa: But aren't standing and staring actions in-and-of-themselves?

>Finally, Kakina had spoke up and said calmly, “Should we leave early and take our time walking or show up late with the limos?”

Traal: Given that you'd be in-route to a Plot Pertinent Event, best take whatever the fastest option is.

>Sango answered her question; “Lets get the fuck out of here.”

Alyssa: Actually, no it doesn't, because—oh, nevermind.

>And with that she spun around to face the main entrance and began to walk when she heard no one following her.

Traal: Obviously this is a populist revolt against her, and Kagome's, tyrannical dictatorship.

>“Coming?” Sango said patiently, slowing turning to them with a glare.

Traal: Enemy Trainer's SANGO used GLARE! TTM's POSSE was paralyzed!

>They all nodded `yes' and followed her out to walk to the hang out place Kag would be waiting at.

Alyssa: They are all, quite obviously, whipped.

>As kagome walked down the streets to the hang out, she was thinking if she should have showed them her telepathic powers…

Traal: I was serious about calling Bester.

>`Will they ask if I can hear their thoughts… I can, oh shit! Sighs I don't have to tell them if they don't ask…I can't lie to them, they will see. “Honesty is >the best policy,” I remember hearing that so much…'

Alyssa: Can we add full-bore loon to our description of this story's Kagome?

Traal: Yes. Yes we can.

>When Kagome took the short cut to the hang out, she ran in to The Krimzons servant…

Traal: Comrade Red!

>“Hey Kagura, what's new?” Kagome spook with some treat to her tone.

Alyssa: …so Kagome is CIA spook?

Traal: And Kagura works for the Commies? Who said the Cold War was over?

>It didn't seemed to have gone unnoticed by Kagura because she answered sourly to Kagome, “What's it you?”

Traal: I dunno. Is it me?

>“Oh nothing… you still have that offer I gave to you.” Kagura's face fell,

Alyssa: [continues clawing at the rash]

>“Ahh… does Naraku have his grasp on you? Sorry, but why don't you join the TTM?” (Kags thoughts-) `Soon to be the Black Flames… B.F humm… people >will say stuff about that, just more fun fighting!'

Traal: If I had any tears left, I'd cry now.

>“No! I could leave anytime I want to! It's just…

Traal: [Kagura] It's just…that…well, he kind of keeps my heart in an urn and if I stray too far he'll crush it.

>“What…?”

>“Kana, you have to let her in the gang too. She follows he every where.”

Alyssa: He? He who?

>“I'll have to think about that with the gangs opinion too. Well I have to go now, so see you later” With her last words, she turned the corner and out of Kagura's >sight.

Traal: Last words? Does that mean the fic's going to end? Or that she's simply going to die?

Alyssa: Now, now. No need getting your hopes up.

>`Now, to the hang out! I wonder if they left early… most likely. Then that means-

Traal: It's coming! It's really coming!

>“Shit!

Traal: More fitting last words I could not think of. Now, a moment of silence for the dearly departed. [starts humming Taps]

>she shouted making people look at her, but she just ran all the way to the hang out, only 5 minutes before the rest of the gang came into view.

Alyssa: Traal?

Traal: [finishes humming Taps]

Alyssa: Traal!

Traal: Hrrm?

Alyssa: Look! [gestures to the screen]

Traal: …there is most certainly not a kind and/or merciful God.

>“Look, she's already there.” Shippo said in an evilish (A/N-my word!) way.

Traal: Shippou? Evil? Canon check, please.

>“No shit Sherlock! She left before us!” Rin was playing with his head.

Alyssa: [Rin] When I finish braiding your hair, you'll be absolutely gorgeous!

>“But-“ Shippo was cut off by non other than InuYasha.

Alyssa: Obtuseness with her native language or dabbling into French?

Traal: Who's reaching now?

>“Everything after but is bullshit. Ha.” InuYasha had a cocky grin on his face looking forward at Kagome.

Traal: A bull's butt, most definitely.

>“HENTI!” Sango yelled while slapping Miroku.

Traal: Inability to use basic anime terminology it is.

>“Ouch!” Miroku rubbed him sore cheek.

Alyssa: I concur with houshi-sama.

>“Oh come on! Sango, lets get the flipping meeting going!” Kagome shouted over to Sango.

Traal: [heavy breathing] Give into to your anger, your hate, your fear. Use the F-bomb!

>Now Shippo, Rin and Chris were running over to Kagome to find out what the meeting was about, soon the other joined in the run to the meeting in the >woods…

Alyssa: [hums the Winnie the Pooh them]

>Kagura entered the dark room slowly, a bit nervous about confronting her leader and master.

Traal: Please tell me that “master” bit was a turn-of-phrase.

>“Come in, Kagura. I know you're there.” Naraku spook just above a whisper, trying to fight off a smirk at her nervousness. Kagura now faced her master, >whom was sitting in a chair. Right in the middle of the room, his face blank.

Traal: So, is she just his subservient wench, or is her servitude sexual in nature? Or does he rape her to break her and keep her subservient?

Alyssa: Easy there, chief. No need to go plunging into the darkness of your own soul just yet.

>“You saw Kagome… was she with anyone?” Naraku asked Kagura.

Traal: [Naraku] Just curious. It's not like I won't end up obsessing over ravishing her or anything. Really.

Alyssa: Can you get any darker?

Traal: Give me a bit more time and I can most certainly can.

>“No, she was alone and she seemed… happy…” Kagura answered, still nervous. But Kagura didn't know exactly what she was so nervous about.

Traal: Because, as a Poor Sexual Slave Girl, she's never experienced happiness.

Alyssa: [rolls eyes at Traal's continued grasping at “Kagura is Naraku's Literal Bitch” straws]

>“This is good info, we should go find her and her gang… get our gang together.”

Traal: A-hem. I do believe there's a phrase for this…oh yes. “Game, set, match.”

Alyssa: She could be being literal with Naraku's dialogue.

Traal: Bah! There's going to be mass orgy by the end of this fic, mark my words.

>“Ok… ” Kagura said while walking out of the room fast.

>“Took you guys long enough!” Kagome said while she turned and proceed to walk farther into the forest. All just followed silently… for a while.

Alyssa: Pardon me, I have to use the bathroom. That scene transition was so jarring my lunch is coming up.

>(Silence…………………R 30;………………………)

Traal: …

Alyssa: …

>“Ouch!” Miroku shouted, falling to the forest under brush with a thud.

Traal: Where Sango proceeded to—

Alyssa: This isn't “Through the Looking Glass”.

Traal: Natch.

>InuYasha laughed at him, Miroku pulled him to the ground with him. Fists went flying; `ouches' were heard… blah, blah, BLAH. It was a big Dog pile of >Gothic's.

Alyssa: [deadpan] Oh, the pulse-pounding action. Be still my beating heart.

>“Hey!” no one stopped. “HELLO! WOULD ALL OF U FUCKING STOP THE BULLSHIT!” Kagome shouted at them.

Traal: And so we pass the AIM Spelling Whilst In-Character mile marker. All we need is a little Leetspeak and we'll hit rock bottom.

>“Finally, now that I have your attention, time to talk. All of you stop fighting with each other and take your seats.”

Alyssa: But beating each other senseless is fun!

>I want reviews! Bye till next time!

Traal: Request granted, by our newest service, Review-by-Riff.

>A/N-HI! New chapter right here!

Alyssa: Where else would it be?

>Last chapter-“Hey!” no one stopped. “HELLO! WOULD ALL OF U FUCKING STOP THE BULLSHIT!” Kagome shouted at them.

>“Finally, now that I have your attention, time to talk. All of you stop fighting with each other and take your seats.”

Traal: And last time on As the Author Recaps…

>While they got into there seats, Kagome began to talk to the members.

>“The Trouble Makers is a SHITY name.” Kagome spoke loud but calm. “Any suggestions?”

Traal: The similar, but infinitely more sophisticated and funner-to-say, Rabblerousers.

>“Umm… how about Black Fire”? Martin spoke up bravely.

Alyssa: I like Traal's better.

>“No, no, no, how about Black Flames?”

Both: Ack!

Traal: Not that…

Alyssa: Anything but…

Both: Clever and Creative Foreshadowing!

>“Good. That will do! Show of hands!” Kagome agreed.

Both: No it won't!

>“Well, Black Flames it is the-“ she froze where she stood and listened.

Traal: Ah. Yes. Time for the Villain's Big Entrance.

>SNAP!

Alyssa: That poor twig, stepped on before his time.

>The whole group was listing… they saw nothing. But they heard-

Traal: The unique vocals of the one and only Toby Keith.

Both: [singsong] Brought to you courtesy of the red, white, and blue!

>“Well, well, well. T.T.M has changed their name… “

Alyssa: Going from Stupidly Obvious to Stupidly Generic should not count as a name change.

>Naraku showed himself, giving away his hiding place…

Traal: I'll alert the Department of Redundant Redundancy.

>Cliffy I know! Sry! Late! Must get off computer!

Traal: Heresy, that.

>Don't mind my spelling errors! I can't SPELL! (Not my fault!) I will be kinda busy this week and won't be able to get to computer. (Boy friends… lol hey I >really like him… blushes and runsSry a bout the short ness! Hey! It is a chapter!

Alyssa: Actually, it is all your fault. The only one responsible for your spelling is you.

>1 A/N-IMPORTANT! I don't want this story to promote the violence of Gangs! (Or drugs...smoking...drinking too!) I am against many kinds of >violence, and drugs, somking, and drinking! That's all...

Traal: Oh, you just think of this after eight chapters of the glorification of the social component of gang membership and on the verge of a turf war?

>...she froze where she stood and listened. SNAP! The whole group was listing… they saw nothing. But they heard-

>“Well, well, well. T.T.M has changed their name...” Naraku showed himself, giving away his hiding place...

Alyssa: John!

Traal: Marsha!

>Behind him came members making a lot of noise. This was not going to end well.

Traal: I could've told you that several thousand words of text ago.

>“What the fuck do you want!

Both: To get out of here!

>Come to stir up shit like you always do!” Kagome shouted at Naraku angrily.

Alyssa: I never knew she was omniscient.

>“No, I've come to kill your whole gang, slow and painfully...”

Traal: Well, at least he's still himself…

>Naraku glanced at each member before setting his sight on Kagome again, but with lust filled eyes. InuYasha began to grow-

Traal: A-hem. [gently elbows Alyssa] Who's being dark?

Alyssa: Fine. You might have been right. Maybe.

Traal: Good. I'll sound the Orgy Alert.

>“Bastard!” InuYasha shouted as he lunged at Naraku with his claws-“Iron rever soul stealer!”(A/N I don't think I spelt that right-can someone tell me how to spell >it!)

Traal: SANKOTESSOU!

Alyssa: [a gentle, yet firm cough]

Traal: Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm a fanboy.

>Naraku got shoved back a good 10 feet before tripping.

Alyssa: Over what?

>This is only the beginning...

Both: Boo!

>To be continued shortly-

Both: Boo!

>A/- SORRY FOR THE SHORTNESS! I don't have much time on the computer! Lol!

Alyssa: Maybe it's because I'm not hip, but what's funny about that?

>I won't put up anymore chapters until I get umm...3reviews. Not much to be asking! Lol bye till next time!

Alyssa: So we're off the hook?

Traal: For now.

[The two of them file out of the theatre and head their separate ways. Fade to black for a transition sequence. Fade in to the bridge to find Traal seated at the helm, reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Artalian Deep Space Explorers. Enter Alyssa from stage-right, from the direction of the crew quarters and the theatre.]

Alyssa: Hey, just about time to be getting back--…just what are you doing?

Traal: By the look of it, [glances down, then back up towards her] reading.

Alyssa: [perturbed] I got that, thanks. I'm more wondering why you're doing it at station where bumping something could send us careening to our fiery deaths.

Traal: Oh please. We're nine-and-a-half lightminutes away from Proxima Centauri. Even if I did bump something, it would be at least… [playfully counts on fingers] twelve or thirteen hours before we plunged headlong into the star.

Alyssa: Very reassuring, that.

Traal: Unless I bump the throttle. At which point we could well go “careening to our fiery deaths”. [lays his right hand on a pair of levers that can only be assumed to be the throttles for each engine]

Alyssa: If you're trying to scare me, it worked. Now could you please step away from the helm?

Traal: Now, now. If I were trying to scare you, I couldn't very well stop before having an accident like, I dunno, this.

[Traal pulls the control yoke to the left in conjunction with the left rudder, while goosing the throttles forward. A gentle hum can be heard emanating from bowels of the Beast as it whips around far faster than a ship of its presumed size should be able to, as Traal turns the ship towards Proxima Centauri. This rapid reorientation sends Alyssa screaming and diving for cover. Having achieved the desired effect, Traal quickly works the yoke and rudder to the right, and pulls the throttles back, applying braking thrust, roughly re-establishing the Beast's previous course and velocity.]

Traal: Oopsie. Guess I did bump something, after all.

Alyssa: [cowering beneath the navigational station, audibly frightened] You…you…BASTARD!

Traal: Definitely deserved that.

Alyssa: [starting to get up, still visibly and audibly shaken] That was the stupidest thing you've ever done!

Traal: No, watching The Adventures of Nikuman on that classic anime channel in Kobe was the stupidest thing I've ever done.

Alyssa: That's…that's…men! [steadies herself to regain composure, rests hand on chest] I still feel my heart pounding. I…I…

Traal: Probably your first taste of adrenaline, too. The curse of a physiology, I'm afraid.

Alyssa: [finally regaining a semblance of her old self] Just what were you doing with that stunt?

Traal: Obtusely showing my affection for you?

Alyssa: Showing your what? By scaring me senseless? Kindly explain. I'm sure your Bizarro Logic will be most amusing.

Traal: Wanted to show you what I've learned. Guess I kinda got carried away.

Alyssa: What you've learned—wait a second, what you've learned?

Traal: Yeah. [shows her the book's cover] Someone's got to pilot the ship, unless you want to take Ishtar's Autopilot Tour of the Damned. And, since I've got a better head for this sort of thing, I figured I might as well get crackin'. Probably could've come up with a better way of showing you, but your lack of confidence sort of pushed me towards being brazen and irrational.

Alyssa: [taken aback] Wow. That's really…wow. I think I owe you an apology.

Traal: For what? I'm the one who cross the line. I deserve whatever condemnation you deem worthy.

Alyssa: No you don't. You were up here, being thoughtful and pragmatic about our situation, and I thought you were merely trying to frighten me and realize your X-Wing and Wing Commander fantasies.

Traal: [smiling broadly, heading back towards the theatre] Well, there is that latter part, too.

Alyssa: [dumbstruck by Traal's acknowledgement of some of her worst fears, follows him back to the theatre]

>1A/N- THIS WON'T BE SHORT! well..as short asI have been making them!(I think)

Traal: Oy! More threats!

>This is only the beginning...

Alyssa: Traal, I have…AMNESIA!

Traal: Gasp!

Both: WAH WAH WAH!

>“Don't know about you, but I won't go down without a good fight!”

Traal: I refuse to enter Davey Jones' Locker without a quick bout of fisticuffs!

>InuYasha spoke with determination, clearly not wanting to lose this fight to Naraku.

Alyssa: He was, however, amiable to a settlement negotiated by a neutral third party.

>“Fight only who comes to you!

Traal: But what if they use ranged weapons?

>Unless someone else needs the help-got that?”

Alyssa: But what about us?

>Kagome told the one who had not yet began there fights. She got nods `yes' back.

Traal: So, is it one person who hasn't been in one of these quaint little street brawls, or more than one? I'm confused.

Alyssa: You're not the only one. Even the tense itself is.

>“Right! Now go kick there fucking asses and show them who's boss!”

Alyssa: [singsong] Come and knock on our door—

Traal: That's Three's Company.

Alyssa: Natch.

>Kagome smiled a sad smile as she watched the members engage in there own fights, some personal, other were just fighting because the enemy started >it.

Alyssa: Of course, there'd be nothing to be sad about if you hadn't called them all together…

Traal: Or talked to an obviously traitorous Kagura…

Alyssa: Or didn't engage in streetfights on a periodic basis…

Traal: Or weren't involved in gang activity to begin with…

>Kagome knew that they would not come out of this unharmed and together...

Both: Yay!

>Kagome's face meet the dirt

Alyssa: The Dirt, Kagome. Kagome, The Dirt.

>of the forest floor for the first time by none other than Kikyou.

Traal: The metaphysics of being by beaten around by your previous incarnation are intriguing.

>`That slut, she's going down!'

Alyssa: [Garland] I will knock her down!

>Kagome thought merciless, anger shown, glinting, in her eyes.

Traal: Glinting eyes are an odd thing to think about given the circumstances.

>Black Flames was not winning any more, they already lost two people-Martin and Kelesy.

Alyssa: Us two, them none.

>Kagome didn't like either of them, but there death hadn't surprised her.

Traal: Her apathy about the death of her comrades, whose blood is on her hands, is perhaps the greatest the character mutilation yet.

>What did surprise her was that they got out numbered and out matched. Not to mention that no one from the Black Flames could help them.

Alyssa: We're outnumbered, outgunned, and terminally inept. There's only one thing to do.

Traal: Charge headlong into battle!

>`Flashback of Kagome's-'

>“KAGOME!”

Alyssa: My kingdom for a real transition!

>that was Kelesy's last word. It was Marlin.

Traal: Why would her last word be a deepwater predatory fish?

>Fighting her for about a minute or two before he felt warmed up enough to really fight the stronger members.

Alyssa: Which her?

>So with a twist of her neck, her like was gone.

Alyssa: [Valley Girl] Like, it's been like, totally, you know, forty forevers since I totally like had a guy. My like, you know, offer still stands, totally, handsome.

Traal: I thought you were going to behave.

>She tried to call for help. Kagome couldn't. Not when dealing with Kikyou.

Traal: So Kelsey tried calling for help after her neck was broken?

>-End of flash back-

Alyssa: Never thought I'd long for those old, eye-assaulting bold, italicized, and underlined transitions…

>Kikyou fell to forest floor not to get up for a day or two.

Traal: Splash one flowerpot!

>Kaogme was not one to kill.

Traal: Only one to beat people into day-long blackouts.

>Kagome liked to think of what happened previously in war when she fought-

Alyssa: A fan of Patton, she most certainly is not.

Traal: Or Sun Tzu, Napoleon, or von Clausewitz for that matter.

>-Flashback-

>Miroku grabbed Kagome's wrist and pulled her behind some dense trees and shrub to tell her-

Traal: [Miroku] I am in love with…YOUR EVIL TWIN!

Both: WAH WAH WAH!

Alyssa: But, under the circumstances, isn't this story's Kagome the real Kagome's evil twin?

>“Kagome, bad news, Martins no longer with u-” was all miroku could say.

Alyssa: [deadpan] Oh, the gripping display of emotion. I feel tears coming.

>“WHAT! How!” Kagome yelled, wanting an explanation of this.

Traal: Because people die in streetfights. Duh.

>“Justin. Marlin. You get the picture now...”

Alyssa: So, is his name Martin or Marlin?

>This only helped to fuel Kagome's rage even further.

Both: Don't get mad, get Glad!

>“Cowards, how could they do that!” Kagome said to Miroku angrily.

Traal: Ah. So she's a disciple of the Treiza Kushrenada School of Generalship.

Alyssa: …meaning what, exactly?

Traal: War is humanity's finest hour until mechanization occurs, at which point it becomes nasty and demeaning.

Alyssa: Like every other general in anime?

Traal: More or less, yeah.

>-Over with InuYasha-

Traal: Again with the vertigo!

>“Oh no you don't!”

Traal: You so did not just cancel Firefly!

>InuYasha yelled at Naraku as Naraku attempted to punch him in the face.

Alyssa: What was it you said earlier, Traal? He's not the sharpest tool in the shed?

>InuYasha grabbed his fist and punched Naraku instead.

Both: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!

>`This isn't going to work... hostage-' Naraku thought as Kagome ran by to deal with Kagura.

Traal: He's still in-character. That's a record for this fic.

>“Got ya.”Naraku said as he quickly put a knife to Kagome's neck.

Alyssa: But if she ran by, how can she be close enough to nab at knifepoint?

>`Oh shit! How could I be that stupid!'

Traal: From being in an alternate universe fic, of course.

>“Kagome! Naraku, I'll kill you for this! Coward, to use someone to get away...”

Alyssa: Is a perfectly acceptable tactic.

>InuYasha face showed he was pissed and had an idea to get Kagome away.

Traal: Of course! Evil demons can't stand the sound of a steel guitar!

Alyssa: Traal…

Traal: What? It worked in KISS Saves Santa!

>`Shit! Rin-' Kagome moved her eyes from InuYasha to Rin who go the help she needed thanks to Shippo. `Wonder what's really happening in that mind of >his...'

Alyssa: Ah, yes, telepathy as dues ex machine.

>InuYasha's mind- `what the hell am I going to do! I really can't do anything. Dammit! I've got to get Kagome. I won't let him hurt her! Not until I tell her >that I-`

Traal: Or not. But, now that you mention it, it would make getting out of this situation a hell of a lot simpler.

>A/N-yup! Leaving it off there! It's getting late for me and my stupid stepdad might kick me off the computer...

>I want thoughts reviews!

Traal: Put away the butcher's knife.

Alyssa: Plug the logic holes.

Traal: Get a solid beta reader.

Alyssa: Use your Grammatik and spellchecker more often.

>1A/N-Hi! I got more reviews!

Alyssa: But were any of them constructive?

Traal: I'm guessing no.

>THANK YOU TO ALL MY REVIEWERS!

Traal: If this is how you thank your ostensible friends, I'd hate to see how you deal with your enemies…

>..that I, lo-'Kagome and InuYasha both lost there thought when Rin screamed.

Traal: [deadpan] Oh, the terror.

Alyssa: [deadpan] Oh, the suspense.

Traal: [deadpan] Oh, the horror.

Alyssa: [deadpan] Oh, the inhumanity of it all.

Traal: Oh, for the love of God, who didn't see all of that coming from at least two chapters ago?

>“InuYasha! Get Rin from him!” Kagome ordered InuYasha. He ran over to her and began to beet the shit out of Marlin for his mistake to take Rin.

Alyssa: Beets. They're what's for dinner!

>Punches went flying, Marlin got hit a lot before he finally went down to the forest floor.

Traal: Wait. I thought Martin was on Inuyasha's side.

Alyssa: Maybe there's another character named Marlin.

Traal: Probably should've read that dump of minor characters at the beginning.

Alyssa: But it was funner just to laugh at it.

>“That is for Kelesy and Martin...Bastard.” InuYasha said in pure disgust. InuYasha looked where Kagome once stood in time in time to see Kagome break free of >his grasp. She seemed unhurt, InuYasha went to help.

Traal: Dramatic Pause sighed!

Alyssa: All-ahead full, full right rudder!

Traal: I'm given' `er all she's got, cap'n! We're not gonna make it!

Both: Noooooooooo!

>BANG!

Alyssa: Who got shoved into a wall this time?

>The sound of a gun stilled everyone. Naraku has shot Kagome.

Traal: Ding-dong the witch is dead!

Alyssa: Or soon will be.

Traal: With luck.

>`Oh shit. No! This can't be! Where the fuck did he shoot her!' InuYasha began to move over to Kagome only to have Naraku shoot him in the stomach.

Traal: [Inuyasha] What the f—

Both: BOOM!

>“Fuck! You'll pay for this Naraku!”InuYasha yelled before he was about to run at Naraku.

Alyssa: Empty threats.

Traal: Another indispensable part of the Protagonist's Creed.

>“I'll shoot-her...” Naraku threatened. It made InuYasha stop dead in his tracks.

Both: Again?

>A/N-SORRY FOR THE SHORTNESS THANK YOU ALL FOR THE REVIEWS! I'LL TRY TO UPDATE SOON! I HAVE TO UPDATE ON MY >OTHER STORY!

Alyssa: Badfic Exhibit E: writing for two published works simultaneously.

>1A/N-Hi! (((sorry for switching my pen name again! My mom is reading my things and I don't want her to... ya...))) my mother told me I couldn't post this till I >had 6 PAGES! SO HERE YOU PEOPLE GO! I WANT 5 (AT LEAST!) REVIEWS OR I REFUSE TO UPDATE!(I'm typing in 14 and font-lucida Console.) >Lol, evil mother! That is why this kinda took me longer! -

Alyssa: …you mean an adult actually sanctioned this literary train wreck?

Traal: Sweet merciful Din. We're doomed.

>So! Go read the damn story already, AND REVIEW OR, OR, OR... I DON'T KNOW! Responses

Traal: Responses to reviews. Wonderful. Let's play a little game.

Alyssa: Hrrm?

Traal: We read the response and attempt to guess the original review.

Alyssa: Sounds fun. I'm game.

>blackwidow085-Thank you, ya I know...the chapters have been VERY short. I don't normally have a lot of time to update this week.

Traal: “j00 is t3h good writer but cptrs is t00 sh0rt and not updating enough PLZ WRITE MORE!!!!”

>cottoncandy91- get in front of all reviews I know that my chapter are short, keep yelling at and I'll remember to make them longer. Lol, thanks for reviewing. >(Love your story!) Preps suck! They should die! Lol

Traal: “TOO SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT!!!!1111”

>lost my sanity- updating now. Thank you. Sorry for the shortness! I'll try to make them longer. Bunnies... you truly have lost all sanity! Lol-I don't know the >muffin man, what did you do to make him angry...?

Traal: Go on Ally. I think it's your turn.

Alyssa: …I don't want to.

Traal: Come on! You said you were game! And it's fun!

Alyssa: …I'll sound stupid.

Traal: So? The only one who'll hear you is me, and I already know you're a dim-bulb.

Alyssa: [glowers at Traal, before repenting] Fine. Just one. To humor you. “Remedy the shortness or fear the Bunnies of the Apocalypse! And do you know the Muffin Man? I think he's stalking me.”

Traal: I think you give the reviewers too much credit. But, beyond that, I like it.

>Rayvn ()- thanks, I will keep writing... (hopefully...j/k! I'll keep on with story.)

Alyssa: “Insert generic praise [here].”

>ShadowedDarkness-Kree- hey Erica! YOU FINALLY UPDATED! I told you on the phone what he was going to say...right? (I'll read the chapter when I'm >free...but only if you put in a review for me! you beter! Lol now! mi com and you to my faith ful servent! Lol j/k)

Alyssa: I've got…nothing. You?

Traal: Nope.

>Forgotten Miko- thank you. runs don't send flying chess monkeys after me!

Traal: “Upd4te 0r 1 w1ll s3nd t3h FLYING CHESS MONKIES OF D00M!!!!11”

>ash ()- Goth you say...? KEWL! In ways I am goth, but not Goth... it's confusing. Thank you! Updating! Lol

Alyssa: “Like I'm a goth or something and I enjoy your having my kin glorified.”

>Repentless Wind- updating now! Thank you. This is a bit longer.

Traal: “Umm…yeah…good work or something…make it longer or something…update or something…”

Alyssa: That appears to be the last of them.

Traal: Good. `Twas fun, but I'm glad it's over.

Alyssa: I concur.

>How the hell where they going to get Kagome way from Naraku?

Alyssa: Ow! I think I caught some shrapnel from the sentence's syntax's self-destruction.

>“You think I'd go down that easily?

Both: Yes.

>Think again.”

Both: [ponder for a moment] Yes.

>Kagome said, determent to get on her feel. Now people saw the wound. Her left shoulder blade had been shot. Kagome slowly used both her arms to >host herself off the ground.

Traal: I see her zen martial arts training has taught her much about pain suppression, if she can put any weight on that left arm of hers.

>`Shit...if I keep moving the wound might get worse...and I still have to deal with Naraku!'

Both: “Might?!”

>Now standing,

Alyssa: I still don't get how she managed to get up when she explicitly used her left arm.

Traal: Because it's in the script.

Alyssa: In prose-based fanfic?

Traal: It's a turn-of-phrase. Roll with it.

>“Black Flames will take down your worthless gang!”

Traal: Even though they've kicked your asses thus far.

>Kagome confidently spoke. She looked at her members and decided she would surprise the enemy. Telepathically-to all members, `kick there fucking >asses!'

Alyssa: There's that on-again, off-again telepathy again.

Traal: The author quite obviously is a graduate of the Superfriends Correspondence School of Screenwriting.

>Fights were no longer paused, but right back in action, The krimson was caught off guard. Black Flames immediately took the lead. The Krimson lost Justin, >Marlin, Rich, and Kanna got her ass handed to her by Rin. Black Flames had lost Kelesy, Ryan, Martin and Chris.

Traal: I finally get why there were so many named minor characters.

Alyssa: Indeed. To delay the Red Shirt Detector from going off.

>Right now, Kakina was fighting Kagura-

Alyssa: If it's right now, why is the past tense in use?

>“You can still take Kagome up on that offer you do kn-”Kakina tried to compromise with Kagura but Kagura cut her off.

Traal: Off with her head!

>“I want you to kill Naraku! Then I will be free to join your Gang! And don't forget about Kanna-Rin may have knocked her out, but she has to come to.”

Alyssa: And, if you're not nice to her, she'll bring that mirror of hers.

>Kagura and Kakina had stopped fighting and began to plan to help Kagome kill Naraku...

Traal: [Naraku] Ugh! Good henchmen are so hard to find! Even the ones that are part of me help the enemy!

>With Kagome

Traal: [singsong] When you're with me…

>Kagome stood there staring, no, glaring at Naraku.

Alyssa: No, glowering!

Traal: No, looked-at-not-nicely!

>She would bring him down, today, and now. She was going to make the first move in this fight-

Alyssa: This time, aim for the vital organs, ya schmuck!

>“Die!” Kagome shouted as she ran at Naraku and punched him right in the face.

Traal: A little part of me does die with every page, yes.

>`Dammit, she won't get away with that!' Naraku thought evilly.

Alyssa: As opposed to thinking angrily, spitefully, or irately, all of which are equally valid.

Traal: And less reminiscent of Snidely Whiplash.

>Kagome was now behind him jumped on his back, bringing him to the ground with Kaogme Standing on his back. Kagome was then flipped off dy Naraku. >Landing on her feet, she was still ready to fight.

Traal: She had him pinned down and didn't take that opportunity to beat him senseless?

Alyssa: Or grab that gun of his, which seems to have mysteriously vanished, and double tap him?

>`I don't think that this will be fun...' Kagome thought negatively.

Traal: Good lord! You're in a gang war! It's not supposed to be fun!

>With InuYasha-

Alyssa: [singsong] …it's like you're sending the adrenaline straight to my brain…

>It turns out that Dylan was a secret member of the Krimson.

Traal: Oh. A Surprise Plot Twist.

Alyssa: Yawn. Next!

>`He should go down easily' InuYasha thought confidently. He could tell the fight between him and Dylan was ending,

Traal: By the large flashing “Fin” that appeared out of thin air.

>`now time for the finishing blow' InuYasha thought as he punched Dylan. Dylan stumbled as if he was drunk for a couple of seconds and then fell with a thud to >the floor.

Alyssa: I was expecting something a little more…I don't know, reminiscent of Mortal Kombat.

Traal: Yeesh, Inuyasha ripping the guy's spine out is just what the fic needs.

>`Now, to help Kago-'

>“InuYasha! You want to help Kagome?” Kakina asked with Kagura at her side.

Traal: And now Inuyasha shall go along with whatever plan they've come up with without ever doubting Kagura's intentions.

Alyssa: In the spite of the fact they've already had one person defect.

Traal: Especially in spite of the fact they've already had one person defect.

>With Sango

Traal: [singsong] …and it feels right as rain…

>Sango was put on defense as Amanda attempered to kick her. Sango graded her foot and twisted it.

Alyssa: [schoolmarm] Whilst your foot has a good shape, its muscle tone is all wrong. I'll have to give it a C-.

>`I don't know about this...' Sango thought uneasily. Amanda fell to the ground screaming in pain.

Traal: I love how people have remorseful thoughts only immediately after they do morally ambiguous things. Start a turf war, break someone's ankle; no thoughts about it beforehand, only after.

>`I think I might have went to far,' Sango thoughts were still uneasy.

Alyssa: Gee, you think?

>“BITCH!” Amanda yelled as she used her good leg to try to kick Sango's legs out from under her. To bad Sango jumped.

Traal: Whilst white guys can't jump, apparently white gals can.

>`Nope.' Sango kicked her in face, efficiently knocking her out.

Alyssa: If Sango is such an efficient knocking-out-machine, why didn't she just do that in the first place and not break the poor girl's ankle?

>`Time to find Kakina.' Sango thought.

>On the other side of the clearing, she spotted InuYasha with Kakina and Kagura.

Traal: Shouldn't three people, whom are nominally on opposite sides, gathering garner some attention from Naraku or, well, anyone else?

>`Humm...' Sango ran over to them to find out what was happening now.

Alyssa: Off-hand, I'd say you're in the middle of a streetfight.

>“Hey, what going to happen now?” Sango asked them.

>“Were going to help Kagome you in?

Traal: What you say?

Alyssa: Main screen turn on!

>Over with Miroku-

Alyssa: [singsong] …all my worries wash away…

>“Why couldn't I have a lady to fight?” Miroku thought a lot.

Traal: Holy Aunt Jamima's cookin'! That quip was perfectly in-character!

>“I won't lose!” Bryan shouted as he got off the ground. Bryan began to run at Miroku but Miroku Punched him in the face...this time Bryan didn't get up.

Alyssa: So he basically ran into the punch?

Traal: Naraku's entire gang loses at life.

>“Yes, unfortunately you will.” He was only knocked out though.

Traal: Of course, that's the difference between the good guys and the bad guys: the good guys only beat people until they're out cold, whilst the bad guys beat them until they're dead.

>“Wonder where lady Sango is... I really love her don't I... I have to find her!” Miroku realized.

Alyssa: You know, these guys are really blasé about discovering their own deep-seated emotions.

>“Umm...” Sango said, blushing to color of a tomato. Miroku turned around to see Sango. His face turned red too. “Umm..” was all Miroku could say. Then they >heard a scream.

Traal: Where'd she come from, exactly?

>“Kagome!” InuYasha and Kakina shouted at the same time.

Alyssa: I take it Miroku and Sango are too busy making out to take an interest in Kagome's plight.

Traal: I'm just sitting here and I'm not taking an interest in Kagome's plight.

>With Shippo and Rin-

Both: [singsong] When you're with me!

>“So...do you think that they will be okay?” Rin asked Shippo.

Traal: [Shippou] Why should we care? We're minor characters.

>“I'm sure that they will, you should stop worrying so much.” Shippo looked across the clearing to see that only standing member of The Krimson was Naraku. >They could see Kagome punching Naraku in the face.

Traal: That zen martial arts training of hers must also have taught her how to deal with massive blood loss.

>`This doesn't look to good...he's not going to happy...come to think of it, who would...' Shippo thoughts were scaring him.

Alyssa: [Shippou] Rational thoughts are scary!

>Now Naraku had a bloody nose, his face showed his anger. Shippo looked at Kagome, she had a decent amount of scrapes on her face and some cuts.

Traal: And, since the author seems to have forgotten, the gunshot wound.

>Her hoddie was torn in parts and had dirt all over it. Her pants were trashed, they were ripped all over and had dirt, just like her hoddie. You could also see part >of the tight black shirt that she wore that day.

Alyssa: Were three sentences detailing the status of her wardrobe really necessary?

>`Damn, looks like I'll have to get to Hot Topic again... I keep trashing the pants I get there...sighs oh well.'

Alyssa: For crying out loud, who talks or thinks like that?

Traal: Bleh. Still stuck in this fic. Flips bird at the fic oh well.

>Kagome thoughts were not of the fight as they should have been

Both: Duh.

>or she wouldn't have screamed.

> “KAGOME!”shippo shouted as he ran over to battle with Rin.

Traal: You know, with everyone congregating in one location, all Naraku needs to do is drop a grenade and run.

>With InuYasha, Miroku, Sango, Kakina, and Kagura-

Alyssa: Drat. And we're all out of lyrics!

>“This doesn't look good...' InuYasha thought as he looked over at Kagome who was know on the ground in pain.

Traal: `tis better to know on the ground than it is to not know and be in the air.

>“Kagome! Hold on!” InuYasha shouted as he picked up his speed to get to Kagome faster.

Alyssa: And here I thought he was running faster because he didn't want to burn his toast.

>(A/N-I was thinking of leaving you all off there... but I won't do that to all my faithful reviews... go read the story lol-)

Both: Boo!

>`OUCH...that really hurt...' Kagome thoughts were on her pain.

Traal: Is she finally feeling that gunshot wound?

>Reason for Kagome's pain...-

Traal: The gunshot wound?

>The fight was going bad for Kagome right now. Naraku had Kagome in the air, his hand around her neck suffocating Kagome.

Traal: And blood sopped off of Kagome's elevated frame from the still profusely bleeding wound in her shoulder.

Alyssa: I think ye be floggin' the gunshot wound horse a bit too much.

>“I shouldn't let you die this easily...” Naraku thought aloud.

Traal: It would be far more villainous to let her bleed to death from her gunshot wound.

Alyssa: Stop it. Now.

>`I should torture her' Naraku thought cruelly.

Traal: Rubbing dirt in her gunshot would be—mm!

Alyssa: [hand firmly planted over and clamped to Traal's mouth] Drop the gunshot wound schtick or I'll dredge up and republish those PokeWars! posts of yours, all right?

Traal: [nods eagerly]

Alyssa: [releases his mouth]

Traal: …you're a twisted, evil little woman.

>Before Kagome could stop Naraku from doing anything, she went flying.

Traal: Sending blood flying from—

Alyssa: [glares at Traal] What was that?

Traal: [singsong] Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high…

>`I feel so diz-' Kagome thought as her back collided with a tree. That is when Kagome screamed and got everyone's attention.

Traal: So she screamed after she had collided with the tree?

Alyssa: Zen martial arts concentration and vocal cords.

>End...

Both: Yay!

>Kagome's body slid down to the bottom of the tree. Kagome lifted her head. Her vision was now blurry but she could see Naraku walking toward her.

Alyssa: That was the most heartbreaking transition to yet.

>`I can't let him kill me... I have to get up.' Kagome attempted to motivate herself as naraku got closer to her. Kagome slowly got to her feet and glared at >Naraku.

Traal: She shouldn't be conscious at this point, so I'm just waiting for her to be revealed as a half-demon in another Surprising Plot Twist.

>“I'll kill you. Nothing will stop me.” Kagome told Naraku boldly.

Alyssa: Except your own broken body, of course.

>“Asshole!” InuYasha shouted as he punched Naraku in the back sending him into a tree this time. The rest of the Group went over to Kagome

Traal: Best hope that isn't an old growth forest. The EPA's going to have a field day with these schmucks.

>`I really don't feel to good...' Kagome said as fell to her knees. InuYasha hurried over to Kagome.

Traal: Might it have something to do with the fact that you've been shot and being thrown around like a ragdoll?

Both: Nah.

>“Kaogme! Are you okay? Kagome, please, answer me!”

Alyssa: [Kagome] Oh, don't mind me. Sans the hole in my shoulder, the massive blood loss, and the shattering of several bones, I'm just fine.

>InuYasha tried to get Kaogme to talk. The rest of the Group went over to Kagome, but InuYasha got to her first.

Alyssa: But didn't they already do that?

Traal: I'll fax a report to the Department of Redundant Redundancy.

>“I hope she's okay.” Sango told Kakina as they walked over to Kaogme.

Traal: [Sango] So that, when all's said and done, I can kill her for getting us into this mess.

>“I know she will be. She got a strong heart.” Kakina assured Sango.

Alyssa: Which means her survival will rely on either dues ex machina or because it's in the script.

>“I don't know.” Kagome said weekly a few seconds later.

Alyssa: I'll be sure to mark my calendar.

>Kagome slowly got to her feet once more seeing that Naraku was getting up too.

Traal: Damnit, since they're so efficient at knocking things out, why don't they knock her out for her own good?

>“I have to kill Naraku.” Kagome told InuYasha.

Alyssa: You know, this is supposed to be a moving display of determination, but…

Traal: It's more asinine than anything else because it feels forced?

Alyssa: More or less, yes.

>“You are in no condition to fight. Let us take Naraku down.” InuYasha tried to compromise with Kagome.

Traal: A sensible suggestion.

Alyssa: Meaning that it will be ignored at all costs.

>“No, why don't we all bring him down.” Kagome said. This was something that she thought they could all agree on.

Traal: A stupid suggestion.

Alyssa: Meaning it will be taken and ran with immediately.

>“I agree!” Sango, Shippo, Rin and Miroku all said at the same time. Things were going to heat up. The whole Black Flames agreed to bring Naraku Down.

Both: Case-in point.

>“He doesn't stand a chance!” Shippo shouted.

Traal: Says the midget whose most impressive power is the ability to illuminate things.

>“Times up. You can't beat me.” Naraku said to The Black Flames member.

Alyssa: Vegas and Tradesports agree.

>“Wrong...you won't live to see the sun in the morning. I won't let you.” Kagome told Naraku. Kagome walked right up to Naraku. For a few seconds there was >no talking. Kaogme punched Naraku in the chest. He went flying right into the same tree that Kagome hit.

Traal: She could barely stand on her own two feet half-a-page, and now she's schlocking people with enough force to send them flying backwards? Make up your mind, damnit!

>Crack!

Alyssa: Someone's knuckles must feel better after that.

>“The tree fell backward this time. When the dust settled, Naraku stood, ready to fight.

Traal: Upon seeing that, the intelligent thing to do would be a tactical withdrawal.

Alyssa: But, since they're bound by the Sensible/Stupid Suggestion Paradigm, that idea is dead-on-arrival.

>`This might not be easy.' Shippo thought to himself. Shippo charged at Naraku but shippo get thrown back almost instantly.

Alyssa: You'd think they'd have learned by now that frontal assaults are futile.

Traal: If it took the generals of the Great Powers of the Great War three years to figure out that frontal assaults were futile, the Inutachi won't be learning that lesson before the end of the fic.

>“Shippo!” Kagome shouted as she ran and caught Shippo before he could hit the ground. Kaogme's feet slid a little.

Alyssa: So, she's superfast too?

Traal: Just so we're clear; Kagome is Mary Sue.

>`If I can get Sango to distract him, I can bring him to the ground. I just hope this works.' InuYasha thought as he ran over to Sango and pulled her behind a bush >and told her the plan.

Traal: A-hem. Didn't Kagome already have him on the ground earlier and willfully chose to do absolute nothing to him?

>“I'll do my best, I just hope this works. InuYasha-” Sango told InuYasha, “If this doesn't work, I will hunt you down and kill you!”Sango warned InuYasha.

Alyssa: Survival is a rather bold presupposition, given the body count thus far.

>A/N- ya I am leaving all of you off there! Lol I am sick of typing. I want 7 reviews and, and... oh screw it! Just review! I don't care if you flame...I'm going >crazy!

Traal: Could you kindly never come back?

>I want thought reviews thought! lol now I say bye! I will update later...If you want my to always keep them this long then... I will but the updates might take >longer...

Alyssa: Why do I smell a sugar high?

>! lol hyper

Traal: Because there was one hiding in the shadows.

>A/N- I got a lot of reviews! This story is kicking my others story ass! Lol here is the chapter, but first the responses-

Traal: If this work is vastly superior to the author's other entries, methinks we need'em designated as biohazard and hauled off to Yucca Mountain.

Alyssa: Where they may well run into a Beast of Yucca Flats.

Traal: Har, har. Ow. I think that joke broke something.

>blackwidow085- You were the first person to review for that chapter! That chapter was longer. NARAKU WILL DIE! Lol.

Alyssa: Of course, reveal the Big Surprise Ending in a response to a review.

Traal: But was it really all that big of a surprise?

Alyssa: True.

>catherine-the-elf- hyper... I always get in BIG trouble when I get hyper...guess I get to crazy. Lol-I've heard of all thoughts bands, I like them but I'm not >crazy over them. THANK YOU!( The thingy in chapter four, take the message and copy it and last you email it to everyone you know. Okay? Any more >questions, you can email me.)

Traal: …thought bands?

Alyssa: Maybe an Orwellian scheme to control the masses through control of genre music.

>KIKYO HATER- Thank you for the review! On to the story!

Both: Boo!

>lost my sanity- thank you! Random... I tend to be random, lol. A blueberry muffin...eh...you're crazy! (In a good, funny way that is!)

Traal: No, I'm crazy. These reviewers are drones with no taste.

>Repentless Wind- Thank you, this one won't be as long, but it won't as short as the other times either. Did I update soon enough? Lol

Alyssa: Thank Heaven for small miracles.

>Inuyashakogalover- CAN I KILL YOU! DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT IN YOUR REVIEWS! IT WAS ALL THE SAME THING, AT LEAST MINE >WHERE DIFFERENT...Lol, grrrrrrrrrr

Alyssa: …huh?

Traal: If it gets the author's goat, whatever it was that guy did can't be all bad.

>“Okay, okay. Do you want Kakina to help you?” InuYasha asked Sango, “I guess it might work...” Sango replied.

>“Good, I'll tell Kakina, you work on distracting him.” InuYasha said as he began to walk over to Kakina who just punched Naraku right smack in the jaw.

Traal: Oh yes, I'm sure Kakina will love having Inuyasha tap on her shoulder whilst she's in the midst of melee with Naraku.

>“Go Kakina!” Shippo cheered Kakina on as he went to swing Naraku's legs right out from underneath him.

Alyssa: For a guy who has been slapping everyone around, he's not all that big of a challenge.

>“Hey Kakina, come her!”

Both: Ew!

>” InuYasha was about six feet away by a tree. Kakina shook her head and went right back to fighting Naraku.

Traal: Words cannot describe how happy I am that Kakina isn't into that sort of thing.

>`I'll get her for that!' InuYasha thought. He walked right up to her just when she was about to get another shot at Naraku and pulled her away from the fight.

Alyssa: Giving Naraku the perfect opportunity to lay into both of them.

>“Hey! I was going to kick his fucking ass! What's your problem!” Kakina shouted at InuYasha as she was pulled over to the trees.

Traal: [Inuyasha] I'm a Canon Character, as well as the protagonist. I get first dibs on the villain.

>`Why bother fight back...I need to fight Naraku.' Kakina thoughts were on the fight.

Alyssa: As opposed to getting Kagome the medical attention she, by now, desperately needs.

>“Now, Kakina I brought you over here to tell you about my plan.” InuYasha told her with a smirk on his face.

Traal: I'd use my “sneaky plan” riff, but I think employing it would demean it.

>Over with Sango an Miroku-

Alyssa: Oy, my achin' stomach. Where do we keep the Dramamine?

>`There she is, I should talk to her...' Miroku thought. He nervously began to walk over to where Sango was but he saw a tree go flying in the air. It was going to >drop on Sango.

Alyssa: Yay!

Traal: As much as the death of any of these hollow husks of canon characters would please me, I cannot actively cheer for the death of Sango.

>`I can't let that happen!' Miroku thought as he ran over to Sango and just as the tree hit the ground, he wound up on top on an uninjured Sango. His face was just >about three inches above her face.

Traal: If he survives…

Alyssa: But he's not going to survive. He can't survive. Can he?

Traal: If the laws of physics and anatomy apply, then no, he can't. But, since they apparently don't, I'm worried.

>“Umm... Miroku...what are you doing?” Sango thought with her Cheeks red.

Alyssa: [Miroku] Oh, just sacrificing myself to save you. How's it hangin' down there?

>“A umm... tree was going to fall on you so I umm... got you out of the was before it could hit you...” Miroku ended weakly.

Both: Huh?

Traal: When did that happen? I distinctly remember the author saying that he got to her as it impacted the ground; ignoring the semantic contradictions, that places him over her when it impacts. When did they get out of the way?

Alyssa: I think he kind of slid her out of the way. Or something.

Traal: But how'd he manage to get clear? There wasn't enough time for him to slide her out of the way and still get clear himself.

Alyssa: Well, as you said, the laws of physics are in selective effect…

Traal: But…but…but… [dry sobs] His death would have actually been poignant! Why did the author have to deny me that one piece of enjoyable romance with my favorite coupling? Why?!

>“Oh...but why weren't you helping in the fight...?” Sango said, getting suspicious.

Traal: [Miroku, Minnesotan] Oh, I had to deny a guy who'll end up being sent this fic by a paranoid alien joy, donctaknow, eh?

>“Well, you see. I was coming over here to tell you that I umm...I-I...That I...” Miroku was having trouble saying this...

Alyssa: I see being transported to this alternate universe hasn't helped him get over his stunted emotional growth.

>`I have to tell her though!' Miroku though to him self.

Traal: Perhaps a time when the lives of you and your comrades aren't in peril would be more appropriate.

>“Can you get on with it...” Sango said, getting redder.

Alyssa: [Sango] I love, you love me. Now can we please get back to the matter at hand?

>Over with Kagome-

Traal: If there are many more of these transitions, we're going to have to start bolting down loose items.

>Kaogme was now leaning against a tree, thinking.

Alyssa: She's even more dangerous than you, Traal.

>`I want to help, but I don't know how...I feel to weak. Not to mention I can barley walk now. But I have to kill Naraku!' Kagome still had her determination >with her. Nothing was going to stop when she gets determined.

Traal: Except for…oh, nevermind. Not that any of the numerous things we've already mentioned will actually stop her by the end of the fic.

>A/N- Sorry, I just wanted to leave it off there, somewhat in suspense... kinda... ttyl. I WANT REVIEWS! Lol

Alyssa: Suspense is about as far away from this fic as one could possibly get.

>(SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES, MY COMPUTER GO A BIT MESSED UP...)

Traal: But what's your excuse for the past twelve chapters?

[The screen goes dark. Alyssa and Traal sit for a few minutes in the dark, silent theatre, before realizing that that was the end of the fanfic.]

Alyssa: …so that's it? It just ends that abruptly?

Traal: Wouldn't be all that surprising. I mean, it's certainly no less jarring than the scene transitions.

Alyssa: True. But it still doesn't feel right.

Traal: Could also be a work-in-progress. But who cares? We're free!

[An ecstatic Traal makes for the exit at full tilt, with Alyssa in tow at a much more sedated pace. After they both exit, cut to a sign of a spinning logo, that of the Beast of Yucca Flats. The logo features a yellow, monocolor version of the ship's namesake imposed on a starfield. This is, of course, filler until everyone gets back to the bridge and the gag gets setup. Thank you for your patience. Fade in to the bridge. Several red-shirted ragdolls lie strewn about, each with a prominent nametag corresponding to the various Red Shirts from the fic; a Kagome plushie lies in a pool of red fluid with a sign stuck into her shoulder reading “Gasp! I have at last succumb to my internal injuries!” with “took long enough!” having been quickly scribbled underneath it by Traal; other Canon Cast plushies are strewn about, stained with red fluid, and with little handcuffs on. Traal himself is pinned to the navigation array by Alyssa, who has donned a policeman's cap.]

Traal: Oh, welcome back! If you're wondering what we're up to, we decided to do our own version of how “Life, It Can Really Suck” ends. We just got to the part where some concerned citizen called the cops and they descended on the woods in force.

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Oh, that'll be enough of you, ya hooligan! The DA's gunna have a field day with you!

Traal: [Chichano] I dun `do nothin', coppa!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] There were nine dead bodies when we got here!

Traal: [Chichano] They were like that when I got here! I swear!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Half of them had atomic wedgies!

Traal: [Chichano] What? So it's a crime to defile several corpses you find randomly strewn about out in the woods?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Yes! Yes it is!

Traal: [Chichan] Curses. But you haven't got anything else on me!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] The handwriting on the sign stuck in the one with the short skirt is yours!

Traal: [Chichano] You can't prove it's mine!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] You signed your name to it!

Traal: [Chichano] Curses. Foiled again. But I've got rights!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Oh, you've got rights. But what're you going to do with'em, when you're down there and I'm up here? Scream for the ACLU?

Traal: [Chichano] For starters, yes.

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Just remember, in space, no one can hear you scream.

Traal: [Chichano] Curses. Foiled for a third time! Fine, do your worse, ya damn pigs!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Oh, ya hoodlum, you want the billy club? [pulls out a rubber trudgeon and starts pelting Traal]

Traal: [Chichano] The billy club?! [impact, losing accent]] Ow! [impact] Where in the world did you get—[impact]--ow! Stop that! [impact] Enough! [impact] For Christ's sake, stop!

[Alyssa wrestles Traal to the floor behind the array, with exaggerated sounds of struggle emanating from that general area. As the sounds of struggle dissipate, an Omniscent Narrator who sounds strikingly similar to Traal doing a James Earl Jones impersonation is heard.]

Omniscent Narrator: And so, with the mysteriously verbose Chicano subdued, the paddy wagon arrives.

[A toy paddy wagon, emblazoned with YFPD on it, is hefted up onto the navigational array, complete with siren sound effects.]

Omniscent Narrator: Upon whose arrival those who were still alive were hauled off to the Big House.

[Alyssa rises from behind the console and starts rounding up the Canon Plushies and loading them into the toy paddy wagon, with much beating of them with her trudgeon and harassment with that over-the-top accent of hers. After being fully loaded up, the paddy wagon is driven off the edge of the array and back behind it, complete with sirens going at full-tilt.]

Omniscent Narrator: Soon after, the CSIs arrive to start collecting evidence.

[Traal arises, wearing a black cap with YFCL in big, yellow letters on it and carrying what looks like the Tacklebox of the Damned.]

Traal: Holy Hanna, what happened here?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Streetfight.

Traal: In the middle of the woods?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] They aren't exactly the brightest bulbs, if you know what I mean.

Traal: I can see that. [looks around] I see a gunshot wound and two spent casings. Where's the gun?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] It has sorta of, well, disappeared. Fell into a plot hole, apparently.

Traal: Great. And I see a stab wound over there. Where's the knife?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Well, um, about that…

Traal: Plot hole?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Bingo.

Traal: Great. [sighs in frustration] Any word from the Coroner on when his people will be here?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Coroner? There is no Coroner?

Traal: Huh?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] The city has never had a Coroner's Office.

Traal: That's impossible! I was just in there this morning!

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Well, okay, we had one, but I wanted to let you down gently…

Traal: Let me guess. Fell into a plot hole?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Opened up underneath it and swallowed the whole building.

Traal: Well, this blows. I can't do really do much without murder weapons or a coroner. Wanna get out of here and get a donut?

Alyssa: [Irish cop] Thought you'd never ask!

Traal: Let's just hope Krispy Kreme hasn't fallen into a plot hole before we get here.

[They wrap their arms around each others shoulders and jovially laugh at Traal's droll wit. They proceed to the communications station, where they duck down, before quickly rising again, sans headgear and props.]

Alyssa: [thick Irish brogue] And that was—[forcefully clears throat, losing the accent] the Beast of Yucca Flats's Acting Troupe's ending to “Life, It Can Really Suck.”

Traal: Having a little leaving character, eh Als?

Alyssa: I thought we agreed nicknames were off-limits.

Traal: Oh come on, it's a term of endearment. And besides, it's cute.

Alyssa: Whatever you say, Twaaly.

Traal: Point taken. [clears throat] So, what'd you think of it?

Alyssa: I don't know. I mean, it was fun and all, but wasn't the stereotyping a bit of the over-the-top? Is it not a real possibility people might be offended?

Traal: You might have a point. Chinks, Japs, nigger is everyone's word, all Italians and Sicilians are mobsters, all Muslims are terrorists, the French are cowards, Mexicans are lazy, and Russians are drunkards. I think that's everyone, so now we're an equal opportunity offender. Well, it leaves out the Canucks and their inferiority complex, but that's not so much a stereotype as a recitation of fact.

Alyssa: …I'm not sure whether to find your rebuke of political correctness refreshing or callous.

Traal: Callous? Callous is bludgeoning your acting partner with a real trudgeon! [tends to goose egg to reinforce his point, but ends up putting too much pressure on it and wincing in pain.]

Alyssa: [nervously chuckling] Um…about that…oops?

Traal: Oops, indeed. Oops like my punching the throttles earlier. [gently probes the back of his head in search of more damage, finding another smaller goose egg, and winces in pain once more] Where'd you find that thing, anyway?

Alyssa: Oh, found it in the weapons locker.

Traal: …weapons locker? We have a weapons locker?

Alyssa: Yeah, Deck Three, third door on the right from the elevator.

Traal: That's…odd. Why do we have a weapons locker?

Alyssa: Ask Ishtar, not me.

Traal: Probably should. If he gave us weapons, he might've given us something we can use to escape.

Alyssa: You never know.

Traal: Indeed. With regards to more pressing matters, I think our little performance, goose eggs aside, was quite good. I think I've got a little thespian in me.

Ishtar: Is that the one that makes your heart explode or the one that fries the controls to your central nervous system?

[It appears that while Traal and Alyssa were putting on their version of how “Life, It Can Really Suck” ends, the Mads had called. The septafield viewer has deployed and Ishtar and Mr. Spigglesplort are present.]

Alyssa: Neither. A thespian is an actor, not narcotic.

Traal: But there are quite a few thespians who should be regulated like narcotics.

Mr. Spigglesplort: Billy Jack for President!

Traal: Come to think of it, Tom Laughlin would be a damn good starting point.

Ishtar: Well, whilst my compatriot may be in sync with that bile you carbon-based flesh sacks call culture, popular or otherwise, I most certainly am not, and would very much like to keep it that way.

Alyssa: I think you're selling humanity's achievements short. I mean, this is the species that has produced Socrates, Di Vinci, Shakespeare

Ishtar: For every Socrates there are a thousand Marxs, every Di Vinci a thousand Mapplethorpes, and every Shakespeare a thousand Stephen Ratliffs.

Alyssa: …you know, he's got a pretty good point.

Traal: [glowers at Alyssa] Benedict Arnold Muse.

Ishtar: Since both of my favorite carbon-based flesh sacks are present, I can only assume that you survived the fic. Unless you're zombies. [turning to Mr. Spigglesplort] Could they be zombies?

Mr. Spigglesplort: Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains…

Ishtar: Indeed. Their lack of appetite for brains most assuredly means they are not zombies.

Traal: And the fact that we're, you know, breathing.

Alyssa: You know, for being a member of a hyperadvanced alien race, you are not the most observant of people, Ishtar.

Mr. Spigglesplort: Danger Will Robinson, danger!

[Ishtar twitches for a moment, and then waves his hand menacingly at the septafield viewer. Then a whoosh! rocks the bridge, as the bridge's atmosphere vents into space and its life support cuts out. Now, suddenly devoid of an atmosphere, our protagonist's eyes bug out as they frantically grasp for air before falling to the deck and flail wildly about. After ten seconds, the cabin repressurizes.]

Mr. Spigglesplort: That had to hurt!

[Traal and Alyssa slowly rise from the deck, panting heavily after having been stuck in a vacuum for ten seconds.]

Ishtar: What was that, inferior carbon-based flesh sack?

Traal: [panting] Point…taken…

Ishtar: Good, good. Now then, shall we get onto the port-mortem of today's fanfic?

Alyssa: [panting] Post-…mortem? It was...bad…what else…is there?

Ishtar: Well, normally we'd just call to see if you two were still alive and to evaluate your mental capacity. But there was a strange anomaly in the male carbon-based flesh sack's mental readings at the end of the third chapter that I'd like explained.

Traal: [panting, but less so] Chapter three?

Alyssa: [panting, but less so] The banning anime bit.

Traal: Oh. That. The stupidity of one portion of the fic caused my cognitive and higher level brain activity to cease operating

Ishtar: You don't have cognitive functions to shut down.

Alyssa: [muttering] Neither do you.

Ishtar: [twitching] I heard that. [Traal and Alyssa brace for another bout with being airless] Oh, no. I've already stepped over the line once today with depressurizing the bridge. No, you two will wish Fraalian social moors didn't frown on spacing.

Traal: I fail to see what could be worse than what we just experienced.

Mr. Spigglesplort: Heads I win, tails you lose.

Ishtar: [chuckling, as best as a Little Gray can] See, we've got a short list of exceptionally odious works of fanfiction that Mr. Spigglesplort and I were saving for special occasions. Does the phrase “Time Speeder” mean anything to you?

Traal and Alyssa: [gulp, in unison]

Ishtar: I thought as much. And that's only the tip of the iceberg. But, since I'm feeling compassionate, I'll let you two off the hook for now.

Alyssa: What's the catch?

Ishtar: Oh, no real catch. I just want to give you time to reflect on the fate that your flippancy has brought upon you. So, is there anything else before I leave you to ponder your imminent demise at the hands of some of the worst “creative” works your species has ever churned out?

Traal: Just one. Do we have a weapons locker?

Mr. Spigglesplort: There's a suicide booth in the food court.

Ishtar: Is that true? Are you really considering killing yourself as opposed to sitting through the unholy torture that is in store for you?

Traal: You wish. Actually, Ally said she found one earlier and I was looking for confirmation.

Ishtar: Oh. Yes. Deck Three, third door on the left.

Traal: And a reason why we have one.

Ishtar: Oh, for the reason I just touched on; to give you a clean way to commit suicide should you opt for it. And to give you a fighting chance against pirates, deep space monsters, and Gods only know what else is out there in the recesses of space should they manage to breech the hull.

Traal: Not that you'll be cheering for us against any of those things.

Ishtar: True. Well, if that's all, I'll take my leave, so you can best enjoy your last few moments on this mortal coil.

Mr. Spigglesplort: Tune in next week, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!

Ishtar: Well put friend, well put.

[The septafield viewer goes black and returns to its place hidden in the wall. Our protagonists are visibly shaken, though Alyssa far more than Traal.]

Alyssa: [gesturing towards the exit to the bridge] I think I'm gonna head down to the weapons locker. Put the trudgeon away, see if there's something pistol-sized, put it in my mouth, and pull the trigger.

Traal: Come on Ally, it won't be that bad.

Alyssa: Well, you know what they say online. Suicide is the only option.

Traal: You're overreacting.

Alyssa: But…but…”Time Speeder”! He threatened us with “Time Speeder”!

Traal: There's no need to worry.

Alyssa: But I'm not as strong as you are! I could barely contain myself in there. Having to suffer through “Time Speeder”…

Traal: There really is nothing to worry about as, to my knowledge, all un MiSTed copies of “Time Speeder” have been destroyed.

Alyssa: Really?

Traal: Really really. Besides, I think that showing us “Time Speeder” raw would be a crime against civilization by Fraalian standards. I don't think even Ishtar could bear that.

Alyssa: Whew! That's a big load off of my shoulders. Thanks. I was panicking for a minute. [starts to head off the bridge] I'm going to make sure my CCS discs still work. Wanna come?

Traal: Yeah, gotta take care of a few things up here, but then I'll be down.

[Traal watches Alyssa leave the bridge, before turning his attention back to Cambot.]

Traal: I didn't have the heart to tell her that “Time Speeder”'s various revisions are still floating around out there in their original form. But some things are best left unsaid, I suppose. Well, it's gonna get hairy around here soon, but we'd really like to have you back. Hope you enjoyed your stay. Until next time. Hopefully.

[Traal hits Cambot's manual off button. Fade to black. Credits roll.]

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Director: C.J. Velez

Riffers: The Wit, Sarcasm, Speech, and Assorted Other Humor-Related Items Centers of C.J.'s Brain

Opening Skit Designer: C.J.'s Flare for Sci-Fi

Interlude Sequences Designers: C.J.'s Stupid Ideas Archive and C.J.'s Assorted Other Humor-Related Items Center of the Brain

Commercials Designer: C.J.'s Flare for One-Liners

Ending Skit Designer: C.J.'s Penchant for Witty and Assorted Other Forms of Banter

Character Design: C.J.'s Repository of the Weird and the Wacked and the Totally Abstract

Special Thanks To:

-invisible1withnofaith for giving humanity the…pleasure of experiencing such an…interesting fic.

-MediaMiner.org for actually tolerating this medium of creative expression.

-Sandra Day O'Conner for finally deciding to retire.

Original work riffed above by invisible1withnofaith, a work of fanfiction inspired by Inuyasha by Rumiko Takahashi. All other copyrighted material within belongs to its proper owners and I make no attempt to claim any of it as my own, only use it in this instance for creation of mirth and merriment.

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