Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Hail to the Butt Doctor ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )

APC: HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *munches on chocolates* Now this WHOOOOOOLE chapter was written with me on a SUGAR HIIIIIGH!!!!! ROCK ON SUGAR HIGH!! It's weird, it's random, IT'S ABSOLUTELY CRAZY! So please sit back and try to enjoy the show!

* * * * *

"YOU SAVED OUR LIVES!" cried Yusuke as he flung himself on Sprite. "It was horrible!"

Sprite: Uh-huuuuuh, yeah okey-dokey then.

Hiei: That had to be the absolute most WORST thing ever! What the hell is Swedish?

Kurama: It's a language spoken is Sweden.

Hiei: Where the hell is Sweden??

Jin: Give up Kurama. He don't get it.

"This has GOT to be the most weirdest day ever," said Sprite as she shoved Yusuke to the ground and stomped on his chest.

BOOM! Sparkle,Sparkle.

BOOM! Sparkle, sparkle.

Everyone turned and looked.

Yusuke: What the…?

Sprite: *thinks* hm…what goes boom, sparkle,sparkle…

Hiei: I don't care. Just so long as it isn't *shudders* Swedish.

Sprite: *eyes widen in horror* Oh no…it CANT be what I THINK it is…

Kurama: And what might that be??

BOOM SPARKLE SPARKLE!!

IT marched from the city's walls. IT marched towards the little group of five.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What new horror was this?? AN ARMY OF MAGICAL HAIRBRUSH-WEILDING BRITTANY SPEARS CLONES!!!

"OH GOD I HATE IT WHEN I'M RIGHT!!!" screamed Sprite.

At the head of the army stood a shriveled old man. He hobbled up to them.

"You must answer me these questions three-"

Yusuke: Hey! It's that old man from the Monty Python movie!

Kurama: Wow it is!

Sprite: The Holy Grail movie was the best!

"Look, do you want to enter the city or not?" prodded the old man.

"Yes! Just ask the damn questions and let us go!!" yelled Hiei.

Old man: Actually, it's just one question apiece. I had to stick with the script to make it sound right.

Hiei: ASK THE DAMN QUESTION ALREADY!

Old man: Ok, ok. *points at Hiei* Since you keep yelling at me, I'm going to ask you first. *clears throat* Here we go: If you were paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel fell off, how many pancakes would it take to fill a doghouse?

Hiei: What in the fucking HELL are you talking about you senile old fossil?

Sprite: OO! OO! *waves her hand vigorously* I KNOW! I KNOW!

Hiei: You mean it ACTUALLY has an answer??

Old man: I don't ask questions unless they have answers.

Sprite: OO OO! I KNOW! *hiei smacks her*

Hiei: SHUT UP! You're just making yourself look like an idiot. Besides, I don't know the answer because there ISN'T any answer! He's just some senile incompetent-

Old man: WRONG!

BOOM! Sparkle, Sparkle!

The army waved their magical hairbrushes and sparkly glitter rained down upon Hiei. Suddenly, the blackness of his clothes washed away, and hot pink took its place. In a matter of seconds, Hiei was no longer wearing his black pants and usual black shirt. His normal conservative dress had changed to pair of low-riding, hot pink bellbottoms and a skimpy mesh tank top!

"OH HOLY SHITAKI!" screamed Hiei.

Sprite, Yusuke, and Jin were laughing hysterically. Hiei tried to get angry, but when he attempted to hit them, his body didn't respond the way he wanted it to. He began dancing so provocatively it nearly made them sick.

"OH MY GOD! AAGH AGGH!" Hiei clapped his hands over his ears. "Can't resist…must…sing…" Then came the horror… "Oops I did it again!"

All: AAAAHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!

"You shall ALL suffer the fate of trans-personality if you get your question wrong!" cackled the old man. They quit laughing.

Yusuke: I DON'T WANT TO BE BRITTANY SPEARS!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANNA BE A HO!!!

Old Man: Then answer this question! WHAT is your name?

Yusuke: Yusuke.

Old man: You have passed. *Yusuke just looks lost* *old man points to Jin* WHAT is your favorite color?

Jin: Red. ::thinks-this is really stupid::

Old Man: You have passed. *turns to Kurama* WHAT kind of shampoo do you use?

Kurama: *thinks* Panteen? NO WAIT! ITS-

Old Man: YOU FAIL!

BOOM! SPARKLE SPARKLE!

The magical sparkles landed on Kurama. His clothes melted away like Hiei's, but instead of turning into some prostitute pink, hooker-looking thing, he looked like some Arabian princess.

"What the-?" Kurama started. Then, like someone possessed, a different voice took over. "What in the hell?…uh-oh…*begins dancing* I'm a genie in a bottle baby…"

"HAHAHAHAHA!! KURAMA AND HIEI ARE SLUTTY POP SINGERS!" laughed Yusuke and Jin.

Sprite stared. "Oh. My. God."

"You're next!" said the old man pointing at sprite. "The fate of your friends rests in your hands now. Answer my question, your friends go back to normal."

"BRING IT ON!"

"All right then. WHO is the most powerful wizard in magicland?"

"Oh that's easy," she said with a wave of her hand. "It's Purple-Tongued CheesyPoof Killer-Godzilla-Doodle Chicken Strips the Third. Everyone knows that! Now answer MY question! Who's the SECOND most powerful wizard in magicland?"

Old Man: I don't know that! *BOOM SPARKLE SPARKLE* I mean- OH MY GOD!

And what did the old man turn into?!!?

I don't know. Use your *sparkly eyes* IMAGINAAAATION! *moves hands in rainbow shape-rainbow appears!*

Well anyway, Hiei stopped dancing and looked completely out at sea.

Hiei: What was I doing? And *looks down* GAH! WHAT IN THE HELL AM I WEARING? *looks over at Kurama* GAH! WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE WEARING?

Kurama: *looks down* My sentiments exactly, Hiei

Yusuke: *still laughing hysterically* You guys were under the slutty pop star spell! *falls over laughing*

Kurama: *recognizes outfits and recalls what happened* Don't tell me that I was…Christina Aguilera!!! *looks and points at Hiei* And Hiei*snickers at the thought of Hiei singing and dancing like that* Brittany Spears?! *BOOM SPARKLE SPARKLE* AH NO!!! *covers head*

Jin: Look! They all disappeared!

Sure enough, the army of magical hairbrush wielding Brittany Spears clones had vanished! And when they vanished, Hiei and Kurama's clothes didn't turn to normal. Instead, they melted away, leaving the two in only their boxers!

Hiei: *looking quite sexy in his deep red boxers*THIS DAY SUCKS!!

Sprite: *looking at Hiei* My, my! That's quite the body, Hiei. *Hiei blushes and tries to glare angrily at sprite*

Kurama: *embarrassed so be seen in his black boxers with smiley faces on them…but no less sexy than Hiei!* Hey, what WAS the answer to Hiei's question?

Sprite: *stares at Kurama, then snaps out of trance* The answer is…None! Because ice cream has no bones! *smiles, joke makes complete sense to her*

Yusuke: HOW the hell did you know that? Is it some kind of secret passcode of entrance to your home planet?

Jin:*sees Sprite getting mad* Hey, now! Mebbe we can all enter the castle now, eh?

So everyone crossed the bridge that surrounded the moat. Yusuke looked down. "HEY! That's not water! It's chocolate milk!!!" As he attempted to dive into the chocolate milk moat, Hiei grabbed him and hauled him back over.

Hiei: DAMMIT YUSUKE!!! OUR GOAL IS TO GET INTO THE FUCKING CITY! NOT GO DIVING IN A MOAT FULL OF FUCKING CHOCOLATE MILK!!! AND WE ARE NEVER GONNA GET THERE IF YOU DON'T STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS UP!!! *continues*

All: 0_0

Sprite: He's really hot when he's mad!

Hiei: $%*#)&@

Sprite: 0_0 I've never heard that one before

Hiei: $*%&#^

Kurama: I KNEW I shouldn't have let him use the dictionary in Scrabble…

Hiei: And #*($&(#!!! Oh YEAH AND $*#&$ YOU!

Jin: *proud* Hey I taught him that one!

Yusuke: *amazed* 0_0 You got one hell of a vocabulary Hiei. Did you make #*($&(# up yourself?

Hiei: YES I did! Now lets go!

And on that very unpleasant note, they entered the city. Once inside, they were amazed at what they saw. The houses and things were normal, but instead of PEOPLE living in the city, deli foods roamed the streets!

Kurama: *points at a slice of meat with legs and arms* What is that? *can't help himself-pokes slice*

Slice: What the? Quit poking me!!

Kurama: But what are you? *slice walks away*

Yusuke: Here! I'll find out! *runs over and takes a HUGE bite of the slice* Hm…gulp! Tastes like…*turns green* Turkey spam. *licks lips* Actually, it's not bad!

Slice of Turkey Spam: AGH!!! HE BIT ME!! HELP HELP!! POLICE!! NO WAIT! THE KING CAN DEAL WITH INTRUDERS! *runs off to a really big palace*

Yusuke: You know, it would have tasted better on a sandwich.

Sprite: *anger crosses on forehead* Hey Yusuke, I'll make a SPECIAL sandwich just for you…

Yusuke: Really??!!

Sprite: Yeah! How `bout…AN ITALIAN ASSKICK SANDWICH ON RYE!!! *beats the crap out of Yusuke* You STUPID bastard!!!

Jin: Hang on lassie! He be the Spirit Detective `ere! He's got to be alive to complete his mission! *pulls Sprite off of a nearly cataleptic Yusuke*

Still growling, Sprite stalked off in the direction the turkey spam man ran to.

Jin: *to kurama* She's quite the pistol, eh? *watches her leave in silent adoration*

Kurama: *sighs* Yes quite. Help me lift Yusuke.

They lifted Yusuke and made it to the castle. The sulking girl was waiting for them. By then, Yusuke was back on his feet again. "That was one hell of a sandwich!" he moaned rubbing all his bruises. She just glared. Hiei, tired of waiting, kicked the double doors in an attempt to open them. Kicking them again, he only managed to stub his toes. Infuriated at the doors, he began kicking, pounding, and cussing at them.

Hiei: *unwraps right hand of Dragon of the Darkness Flame* YOU WILL OPEN YOU FUCKING DOOR!!!

Kurama: *clears throat* *turns doorknobs-doors open*

Hiei: *flame flame* Go to hell, Kurama.

Entering into the unknown castle of the King of Bolognaville, is the quintet of maladjusted destructive tendencies marching to their DOOM?? Or just to the kitchen to finish off what's left of the turkey spam man? That, my friend, is something you will learn it the NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!

* * * * *

APC: Well! There we go I just wasted yet ANOTHER pointless, random, and bizarre chapter! If you liked it, great! Please review! Hey I just realized- in the last chapter, I said I was only going to write ONE more…oh well! I'm a dirty liar. So sue me.

PS!-----No REAL deli foods were injured in this story! They were merely actors in spam and bologna suits!

Turkey Spam Man: The HELL they were!!! *yells at reader* IM GONNA HAVE TO BE IN TRACTION FOR 3 YEARS THANKS TO THIS WEIRDO AUTHORESS!!!

APC: *grabs turkey spam man and stuffs it in her mouth* Um…prz rvoo.

*swallows* Oops sorry! I said please review!