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SONIC IRON CHEF
A triple team production by:
THE TRIPLE PEEPS
Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)
Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"
Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)
Also check out our other Sonic story, CRONIES!
Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: We don't own these characters, but we own this fanfic. Don't steal it.
Grand Master Shoma: Let's just start this.
Judge Neusy: You know what, Apollo? Your name sucks!
GMS: Is this going to be another "copy everything we say?" Not again, please stop!
Judge Neusy: Apollo, it looks like you have no emotion whatsoever. [talks like GMS] "Not again, please stop."
CMA: This is getting old, fast… Okay, here's some background info: we like Iron Chef, so we were wondering "What if the Sonic Crew were on it?" And thus, Sonic Iron Chef was born.
Judge Neusy: A little note: you should be familiar with the show Iron Chef before you read this. If not, that's okay, but, if you do watch an episode of Iron Chef, it'll be even funnier.
CMA: By the way, we are well aware that the Iron Chef matches are chef vs. chef with assistants, and that two Iron Chefs don't team up, except once, but we never saw it. We don't care.
"Tell me what you eat, and I'll tell you what you are." -- Some Guy.
[Focusing camera on Sega Headquarters.]
Takeshi Kaga: If memory serves me correctly, there are a duo of superhero hedgehogs born from the minds of Yuji Naka and his Sonic Team. These two have saved the Earth from a falling space colony called ARK.
[Shows Sonic, with his name along the top of the screen, sitting and talking.]
Sonic: At first, we didn't like each other. He framed me for armed robbery! I mean, what the hell?
[Shows Shadow. Likewise.]
Shadow [angry]: I TOLD HIM, I WAS TRYING TO EXACT REVENGE ON THE CITIZENS OF EARTH! GEEZ, what's his problem?
[Shows Takeshi Kaga eating a lemon and seemingly enjoying it.]
Kaga: After saving the Earth, they decided that they had to be better than my Iron Chefs!
[Shows Tails. Ditto.]
Tails: What the hell are they doing!? Those two, combined, can't make a bowl of cereal!
[Black and white scene of Sonic and Shadow trying to prepare a bowl of cereal.]
Shadow [is trying to squeeze milk out of unopened carton]: Come… out… you… STUPID--
Sonic [stabbing the cereal box with a bottle of BBQ sauce]: Don't strain yourself, Shadow.
Shadow [war cry]: AAAAAAAHH!!! [crushes milk carton with bare hands; milk flies everywhere]
Sonic [rubbing his eye]: OW! THAT MILK PIECE WAS CURDLED! You idiot, you're supposed to have it upside-down! THEN crush it!
Shadow: Whoops! [grabs new milk carton, turns it upside down, crushes it; milk is now on floor; some of it made it into the bowl] And what about you, Mr. Can't-Open-Cereal-Boxes! Use a fork!
[Shows a panning shot of Kitchen Stadium.]
Kaga: Now, Sonic and Shadow! You must see, now, if your culinary powers are as magnificent as your saving-the-world powers!
Sonic: I wouldn't say I'm THAT good…
Shadow: I wouldn't even touch my "culinary powers" with a ten-foot pole!
[Iron Chef Intro Song, etc.]
[If you don't know what it is, Takeshi Kaga, looking like a complete goof, walks into Kitchen Stadium, looks around, literally bites a yellow pepper (no joke) and then we see the Stadium full of chefs.]
Eggman [donning chef's attire]: Welcome to the Food Network! I am your chef for the moment, Dr. Eggman, and welcome to [triumphant voice] COOKING WITH EGGMAN!
[Trumpets and cheering.]
Eggman: Why, thank you! Today, I'm going to solve one of life's many perplexing challenges: how do you get ice cream… from fat? Well, I'm going to show you!
[Camera shows some rather… interesting ingredients.]
Eggman: Now, we have the following: steak fat, pork chop fat, pigeon fat, rat fat, veal fat, lamb fat, AND, to top it all off, raw cookie fat! Now, the easiest way to do this is to put on your fat-handling gloves. [Snaps his on] I know I've got mine! You grab all the fats, then stuff them all into a blender!
[Eggman stuffs the "fat" collection into a blender. It barely fits. He turns it on. Very gross noises commence.]
Eggman: Oh, by the way, make sure the blender is on "gooify." When its done, it'll be very pasty. [Turns off blender, opens lid, puts finger in and tastes.] Mmm, tastes like me! Now we put this in a freezer and let it cool for about an hour. While waiting, we can use the spare fat to make [clasps hands together] smoothies!
[Some time passes (yes, this is a long commercial)]
Eggman: Let's see how our ice cream is doing. [Opens fridge, pulls out fat mix] Mmm, from intense fat, to vanilla ice cream! And I didn't even add vanilla! And that's Cooking With Eggman, for the time being…
Announcer: For a copy of this fatty recipe,
[catchy jingle] ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
BACK TO IRON CHEF
Kaga [as applause dies down]: Today, we have two bona-fide superheroes on our show, ready to show their heroic skills of the culinary arts!
Mysterious Voice from Backstage that Sounds Mysteriously Like Sonic: STOP SAYING "CULINARY!"
Other Mysterious Voice Which Sounds like Shadow: BOOOOOOOO!!!
Kaga [death glare]: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK YET! And now, we introduce Sonic and Shadow!
[Sonic and Shadow enter, to the song "Why Can't We Be Friends?", bitch slapping each other's arms as they enter.]
Shadow [slapping]: I'M OLDER, I ENTER KITCHEN STADIUM FIRST!
Sonic [also slapping]: I'M THE HERO, I WAS KNOWN FOR MUCH LONGER THAN YOU!
Shadow [still slapping]: PEOPLE LIKE ME BETTER! THAT'S WHY I GET PRIVILEGES!
Sonic [also still slapping]: SCREW YOU, I'M STILL ENTERING FIRST!
[It goes on like this for a few more seconds, then Shadow gets Sonic into a headlock. They enter like this, Sonic still in the headlock, waving like the queen.]
Announcer, Kenji Fukui: And here are our challengers, Sonic and Shadow! They enter Kitchen Stadium with pride and vigor!
Shadow [punching Sonic]: WRONG!
Kaga [goes up to Sonic and Shadow, shakes their hand]: Welcome, Sonic and Shadow. Your heroic exploits are legendary. But wouldn't you rather run around than cook?
Sonic: I'm getting paid to do this, right?
[Sonic and Shadow give Chairman Kaga some counterfeit money.]
Kaga: What is this?
Sonic: Just a little something to help us, er, you out! [winks]
Kaga: Um, you know, you COULD get charged for this.
Shadow: REALLY!? AW, SHIT! [he and Sonic start eating the money]
Fukui: And Sonic and Shadow are now eating the counterfeit bills--
Shadow [mouth full of currency, trying to say "shut your hole"]: SHU YO HO!
Kaga: Of all the nerve, saying that about my wife! [Unfazed] Anyway, let us bring out the IRON CHEFS!!!
Fukui: And here they are, the invincible men of culinary skill! Iron Chef Japanese is Masaharu Morimoto! Iron Chef French is Hiroyuki Sakai! Iron Chef Chinese is Chen Kenichi! And Masahiko Kobe is Iron Chef Italian!
Sonic: Wow, what a selection!
Kaga: Now, Sonic and Shadow, choose the two men you wish to battle against!
Sonic: Shadow, we should think about this caref--
Shadow [suddenly yelling out]: CHEN KENICHI AND HIROYUKI SAKAI!
Sonic: Dammit, Shadow, those are the hardest ones!
Shadow: Really? Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Bitch! Motherf--
Sonic: That's enough.
Fukui: Wow, they've boldly chosen Sakai-san and Kenichi-san! Their funeral!
[Kaga is preparing to announce the theme ingredient.]
Kaga: Many years ago, this show was the most popular Saturday morning cartoon show in North America.
Shadow: Ooh, ooh! I love guessing the theme ingredient! Garfield!
Kaga: No, please let me--
Sonic [yells out]: ODIE!
Kaga: THIS IS NOT CHINESE FOOD! [Unfazed] No offense, Chen.
Kenichi-san: None taken.
Kaga: Along with Garfield, which, by the way, is the show I'm talking about, there were a group of ragtag farm animals who dared to defy logic. WE UNVEIL THE INGREDIENT!
[Rising theme ingredient platform shows the tied up animal group which, by now, you probably already know.]
Kaga: The theme ingredient is… ORSON'S FARM!!!
[Screen shows: ORSON'S FARM BATTLE!!!]
Tied-up Orson Pig: Are we going to die, Roy?
Tied-up Roy Rooster: Yep.
Kaga: We will split the theme ingredient as follows: Sonic and Shadow shall receive one agreeable sheep Bo, one living eggshell Sheldon, and one sarcastic, egotistical jackass rooster Roy. The Iron Chefs will receive one disagreeable sheep Lanolin, one cowardly, life-preserving inner tube wearing duck Wade, and one cute little bastard chick Booker T--um, Booker.
Tied-up Booker: Quiet, sucka!
Tied-up Orson: Whew, thank god!
Kaga: There is lots of pig to share amongst the competitors. Sonic and Shadow, you will get Orson's top half. Iron Chefs will get the rest.
Tied-up Orson: WHAT!?
Tied-up Roy: Bye Orson.
[Kaga uses a martial arts chop to cut Orson cleanly in half.]
Tied-up Bo: Too bad, he was a pretty nice guy!
[Takeshi Kaga announces the start of the match.]
Kaga: ALLEZ CUISINE!
[Sonic and Shadow dash up to get their share of the ingredients. Sakai and Kenichi take their time. We now see the announcer's box.]
Fukui: Um, anyway, I'm Kenji Fukui, and I'm joined today by two guests. First, the evil lord of darkness, Diablo.
Diablo [from Blizzard's Diablo game series; very big, speaks demonically]: I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL! AFTER I EAT CUISINE! THAT PIG LOOKS TASTY!
Fukui: Yes, and to his right, a man who has tried to take over the world many times and destroy one-half of the challengers, Sonic, is world-renowned Dr. Eggman!
Eggman [bowing]: It's good to be here.
Fukui: And finally, my close "homie," food commentator Dr. Yukio Hattori.
Hattori: Always a pleasure.
Shinichiro Ohta [he's the guy on the floor who brings you commentary right next to the action]: Fukui-san!
Ohta: It appears as if Sonic and Shadow can't agree on how to prepare the egg!
Fukui: Wow, that IS interesting!
[Sonic and Shadow are AGAIN slapping each other's hands next to a tied-up Sheldon.]
Shadow [still slapping]: I'M OLDER, I GET TO PREPARE THE EGG!
Sonic [also slapping]: BUT YOU GOT TO GO IN FIRST!
Tied-up Sheldon: Am I going to die?
Shadow [grabs Sheldon]: YES!!! [Cleaves Sheldon in half; yoke splatters everywhere]
Sonic: Ya think with those legs he had, there'd be a chick under there! Ewwwwwww...
Fukui: Yes, Ohta?
Ohta: It appears that the Iron Chefs are angry at Shadow's actions! Apparently, some yoke fell on their eyes and burned! Sakai is shaking his fist angrily, and Kenichi is crafting some sort of shuriken! Back to you!
Eggman: Boy, that's gotta suck! (laughing like a female villain) HOHOHOHOHO!
Diablo [still has demonic voice; in fact, he'll have that voice for the rest of the story]: THE FRAGRANCES FROM THE IRON CHEFS' SIDE ARE, WHAT'S THAT WORD AGAIN, BEAUTIFUL! BUT FROM SONIC AND SHADOW'S SIDE, IT SMELLS LIKE HOME!
Ohta: It appears that Sonic and Shadow have started a horrible stove fire!
Fukui: Wow, before the ten-minute mark?
[Sonic is desperately fanning the now very large flames with a towel. Shadow, oblivious, is still preparing the egg.]
Shadow: Is it me, or is it getting quite warm in here?
Sonic: SHADOW, YOU IDIOT, HELP ME!
Shadow [notices fire, but acts quite calmly]: Oh, shit. Here, I'll put it out. [Grabs a bottle of something without reading the label, and throws it (bottle and all) into the fire.]
Sonic: YOU IDIOT! THAT'S COOKING OIL! [Fire grows to nearly engulf all of Sonic and Shadow's half of Kitchen Stadium]
Shadow: Oh, right. I'm such an idiot! [Throws a tank of something into the fire.]
Sonic: YOU IDIOT! THAT'S EXTRA FLAMMABLE PROPANE! [Fire grows larger.]
Shadow [still quite calm]: Oh, of course! What am I thinking? [Throws something else...]
Sonic [freaking out]: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S A LIVE GRENADE!
[The grenade's explosion miraculously a) blows out the fire, b) cooks the egg, c) doesn't kill anyone, d) covers everyone in soot, and e) sets Kenichi's hat on fire.]
Kenichi-san: My hat! My beautiful American-made hat! [extinguishes hat, pulls out homemade shuriken] They must die!
Sakai-san: Hold up, let's not go too far, yet! We'll get them after!
Eggman: Whoa, that guy's the French chef, right?
Diablo: THAT IS CORRECT, MORTAL.
Eggman [yelling out to Sakai]: HEY! PARVAY LOOZ FRANKAIZ? NAWN?
Sakai [in fluent French]: Pardon? Je parle en francais mais, tu ne pas parles en francais. Espece d'andouille!
Fukui [annoyed]: Yes, Ohta...
Ohta: Eggman has disappeared!
Diablo [confused]: WHERE DID HE GO? HE STEPPED ON MY FOOT ON THE WAY OUT!
Eggman: Hello, this is Eggman Food 911!
Woman's Voice: Hello?
Eggman: Yes, Eggman Food 911!
Woman's Voice: My chocolate's soufflé's trying to kill me!
Eggman [shocked]: Dear GOD! I'll come right away, but I don't know if there's anything I can do!
[Eggman is shown speeding down a city street, in a van labeled EGGMAN FOOD 911. The REAL Food 911 van is following him, but then is shot by a mysterious orbiting Eggman satellite. May they rest in peace.]
Eggman [arriving at the house]: This is Eggman Food 911! Come out with your hands up, you tasty chocolate motherfucker! [Waits a while] THAT'S IT, I'M COMING IN! [Breaks down front door with his sheer weight]
Woman in house [staring at Eggman]: Who are you!?
Eggman: Did you not call to report a murderous chocolate soufflé?
Woman in house: Um, no...
Eggman: Christ, what the hell's wrong with this neighborhood? [Looks outside, sees a bunch of giant desserts doing everyday things, like skipping rope, doing dope, etc.]
Eggman [hearing eerie child-like music]: Geez, what am I on?
[A couple minutes later, within the REAL house...]
The correct woman: Oh my god!
Eggman [trying to hold off the chocolate soufflé]: BEGONE, FOUL PASTRY TREAT! [pulls out his Eggman handgun, suddenly sets it down, then wolfs down the evil pastry]
Evil Pastry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- [is cut off by Eggman's chewing noises]
The correct woman: Thank you, Eggman!
Eggman: You need not thank me, [looks outside] for there is a banana-cream pie attacking that poor, innocent two-tailed fox!
Tails [from outside]: Stop chewing my leg!
Eggman [charging]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Announcer: [catchy jingle] ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
Tails: Ow, my leg!
[Back to Iron Chef, where we are now at the half-way point (30 minutes left)]
Fukui [angry]: What, Ohta!?
Ohta: It appears as if Sonic and Shadow haven't done anything for the past 20 minutes!
Sonic: The egg looks pretty tasty, don't you think?
Shadow: I agree, just like how I agree that Card Captor Sakura died.
Sonic [pissed]: Don't start with me, again!
Ohta: Sonic and Shadow appear to be huddled together, like in football! Wait--it seems like Shadow is pulling out some sort of emerald!
Sonic: Go! GO!
Shadow [holding up Chaos Emerald]: CHAOS CONTROL!
[Shadow teleports to the Iron Chef's side, grabs the first thing he sees, then teleports back to Sonic.]
Fukui: You just don't stop, do you Ohta?
Ohta: No! It appears that Shadow has stolen... pig groin!
Shadow [hears Ohta]: OH, GROSS! [Throws it in the deep fryer, then rubs chin in thought] Hmm, deep fryer, eh?
Eggman: What the hell are those two doing?
Hattori: Well, Eggman, do you happen to know the challengers?
Diablo [speaking very bad "street-talk"]: YEAH, HOMES, SHAKE THE DOPE OF INFORMATION ON THIS DEMONIC BITCH!
Eggman: Pardon me? Anyway, Sonic, in blue, is my arch-nemesis, while Shadow, in black with red stripes, used to let me bum with him. Actually, he was bumming with me! We tried to take over the world, together... [suddenly, Eggman stands and throws a yellow pepper at Shadow]
Shadow [confused and irritated]: OW, what the hell!? Who did that?
Eggman [yelling]: YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS!!!
Shadow: FOR WHAT?
Eggman: For drinking milk from the carton without a shirt on in front of Rouge!
Shadow: I don't wear clothes--
Eggman: I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!
Sonic [confused]: How does that lead to twenty dollars?
Eggman: Shadow told me that men without shirts turned Rouge on!
Sonic: But, how does that lead to twenty dol--
Eggman [speaking really fast gibberish to cut Sonic off, Dr. Evil style]: AZUBAZUBA!!!
Sonic: You're not underst--
Eggman [Dr. Evil shushing noise]: Shh.
Sonic: But I--
Sonic [very angry]: THIS IS WHY YOU'RE MY ENEMY--
Eggman: Zip it!
Diablo: WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP? YOU'RE SCARING THE IRON CHEFS!
Fukui: Yes, Ohta?
Ohta: You may not have noticed, thanks to Sonic and Shadow's dilly-dallying with Eggman, but there are only ten minutes left!
Sonic and Shadow [in unison]: WHAT!?
Fukui: YOU JUST SAID THAT, OHTA! DAMMIT!
Ohta: It appears that, out of desperation, Sonic and Shadow are deep frying... EVERYTHING!
Fukui [not really listening at first]: Well that's nice, Ohta--WHAT!?
[Fukui sees Sonic and Shadow throwing all the food they can find into the deep fryer, including many of the Orson's Farm animals' parts, some fruit, and some non-food items as well: basically, they're going nuts.]
Shadow [tossing Sonic a Dreamcast]: Throw it in, Sonic!
Sonic [catches it]: Okay--WHOA, whoa, not this, Shadow.
Shadow: Why--Oh, right. Put it in a safe place. Throw this in instead! [Tosses Sonic an X-Box]
Sonic: Yeah, this'll work. [Throws it in, then gives Shadow a high five]
Sonic and Shadow [in unison]: BOOYAH!
[Shadow then throws a butcher knife into the deep-fryer.]
Sonic: Shadow, what did you do that for?
Shadow: Um, extra flavor!
Ohta: Speaking with Iron Chef French, he is asking how Sonic and Shadow, two hedgehogs, are able to walk, speak, and cook, not to mention having saved the world!
Fukui: Wow, that is interesting.
Fukui [annoyed]: I'm not feeling well...
Ohta: Shadow has apparently overheard my conversation with Iron Chef Sakai! In response, Shadow says, "Kiss my ass." ... Back to you!
Hattori [eyeing Sonic and Shadow's side]: Are those two making cabbage rolls? But it can't be: cabbage rolls don't contain Tootsie Pops!
[Sonic and Shadow are rolling Tootsie Pop lollipops with raw meat, a single grain of rice per roll, and lots (and lots) of garlic. It looks really gross.]
Eggman: Are those two nuts? I bet you anything that they're going to deep-fry those!
Diablo: THEY'RE GOING TO BURN EVERYONE! STRONGER THAN HELLFIRE, IT IS!
Sonic [haphazardly throwing the "cabbage rolls" into the deep fryer]: In, we go!
Shadow [gets splashed with oil that is now all around their half]: The oil "oranged" my poof! [Strangling Sonic while hitting him against the wall] I'll punch you good! [Winds up to punch Sonic, but, instead, accidentally tosses the Flame Ring power-up into the deep fryer; flames rise to the roof]
Sonic [trying to fan the flames with the towel once again]: OH NO NOT AGAIN!
Sonic [angry]: "Whoopsies?" That's the best help you can give me?
Sonic: PUT IT OUT! AND NOT WITH A LIVE GRENADE, YAH WHACK-ASS!
Shadow: Did you mean that sarcastically?
Sonic [losing it]: OH GOD!
Diablo: THE FLAMES ARE SPECTACULAR! LIKE FORKS, THAT IT IS!
Eggman: Don't you mean "fireworks?"
Diablo: YO, DON'T BE MAKIN' ME DEVOUR YO SOUL, HOME-BEEF!
Eggman: Pardon me?
Ohta: Iron Chef Kenichi's butcher knife has gone dull, as he was cutting sheep. Oh, wait, he's now cutting clean slices with his bare hands!
Fukui: Yep, that's our Iron Chef!
Shadow [gawking with his jaw dropping]: Wow, I knew they were called the Iron Chefs, but I didn't think they meant it literally!
Announcer: Five minutes to go!
Sonic [concerned]: What? Shadow, double time, DOUBLE TIME!
Shadow [all calm and giddy]: Sonic, we need not worry!
Sonic: Dude, you're scaring me.
Shadow: All I'll do is stop time with my Chaos Control!
Sonic: Chaos Control didn't work last time, Mr. Pig Groin.
Shadow: Just watch! [Whips out Chaos Emerald]
Sonic: How do you always have a different color emerald each time?
Shadow: VARIETY, CONTR--shit, I mean CHAO CONTROL, no wait...
[Suddenly, a bunch of cute little Chao appear out of nowhere.]
Fukui: What is it, Ohta?
Ohta [muffled]: Vere oh m' mouth!
Shadow [arguing with a Chao]: They're ruining everything! HEY, get that yellow bell pepper out of your mouth! Where do you think you're going? Put that liquor--OW, WHO POKED ME WITH A FORK? Oh, that is it: CHAOS CONTROL!
Fukui: I'm going to kill you later, Ohta!
Ohta: I'll take that as a "Go!" Firstly, I've discovered what's in Sonic and Shadow's dish, the "Deep Fried Mountain O' Stuff!" The ingredients include [takes a very deep breath] pig groin, yellow peppers, green peppers, red peppers, flowers, apples, pears, "cabbage rolls," Shadow's Flame Ring, Sonic's SOAP shoe, Knuckle's digging equipment, scallions, papayas, mangos, a Microsoft X-Box, rooster innards, egg shells (from Sheldon), three pencils, lint from under Mr. Eggman's seat, toe jam, earwax, mustard, salt, Old Dutch potato chips (ketchup flavored), actual ketchup, some grass, strawberries, energy drinks, Gatorade, agreeable lamb head, disagreeable lamb head (stolen from Iron Chefs' side), pig nose, various pig parts, green onions, the legendary cat o' nine tails, fox hair, ice cream, yogurt, a whole carton of milk (yes, including the actual carton), a gouda cheese wheel, Diaboromon, hamburgers (which have been already deep-fried in batter), rubber, zinc, helium, all known lanthanides and actinides, hydrogen, hydrogen peroxide, a single perogy (for flavor), a butcher knife, a mouse's tail, bits and pieces of an exploded grenade, bits and pieces of newts, bits and pieces of that evil witch from Wizard of Oz, Jell-O, Intel Inside stickers, Playstation power buttons, various other Playstation buttons, sugar cubes, fresh cream, sake, caviar, the entire cast of Hello Kitty, Mario's hat, a Boo (the ghosts from Mario), Energizer batteries, the Energizer bunny, Maxwell's house, Max's Positron Gun (from Tales of Destiny II), the Rock's sunglasses, turkey, a T-Shirt that used to say "Sega Rules" (for fiber; it now says "Sega Mules"), Dancer (the reindeer), a single 5.25 inch floppy disk, lettuce, tomatoes, bear meat, squirrel meat, butterflies, and, to top it all off, a deep-fried Maraschino Cherry. [breaths in] Also, Shadow's Chaos Control not only teleported the water-like Chao creatures back to where they belong, but also sped up time! There are three seconds remaining!
Shadow [slightly worried]: NOOOOOOOO...
Sonic: Well, it was nice knowing you.
Shadow: They aren't going to kill us.
Sonic: Hey, the timer's stopped! Shadow, what did you do?
Shadow [irritated]: OH, everything just points to me, now! [breaking the timer with a sledgehammer]
Fukui: That's it! The cooking's done, the Orson's Farm battle is ov-AH!
Eggman: Oh, grow up, Fucky.
Fukui: It's Fukui, F' QUEE.
Ohta [interviewing Sonic and Shadow]: So, uh, how did it go?
Sonic: If you saw us throughout the entire hour, then you know how we are.
Shadow: No comment! Get the camera off m-- hey, I'm on TV! HI SHADOW!
Sonic: Dammit Shadow, you are Shadow.
Shadow [ditzy; shaking his right hand with his left]: Wow, I'm so glad to meet me!
Sonic: Forgive him, I think the fumes got to his head.
Ohta [interviewing the Iron Chefs]: How do you think you did?
Sakai-san: We're going to kick their asses! Look at that mountain o' crap! It looks like, um, crap!
Kenichi-san: This is an easy win! They can't possibly win with that pile of... whatever it is! [freaks out] Hey, is that corner of it moving?
Sakai-san: I think it is...
[A soft theme starts to play as we are presented a gander at the dishes. First up, even though it doesn't work this way in the show, are the Iron Chefs.]
Fukui: The Iron Chefs combat with three dishes.
First, Duck in Inner Tube with Sweet and Sour Mayonnaise. The odd taste of the mayonnaise goes well with paranoid duck and leek. The inner-tube is stuffed with cranberries and gravy.
Second, Shish-Booker-Bob. This chick corpse was impaled with bamboo skewers along with pieces of vegetables and Orson. Serves five, believe it or not.
Finally, Lamb o' Lanolin a la Mode. The vanilla ice cream compliments the meat of disagreeable sheep. The sheep's wool locks add a sense of disturbance. Served with chocolate sauce.
Fukui: The challengers counter with two.
First, Fried Egg. A simple fried egg, made from Sheldon. Served with toast that looks moldy and old.
Secondly, and lastly, The Deep Fried Mountain o' Stuff. An... interesting-looking dish... that's all I can really say.
[In the world of Tales of Destiny II, we see our heroes--Reid, Farah, Keele, Meredy, Chat, and Max--camping just outside of the Glimmer Spire.]
Reid [hungry, as always]: So, who's gonna cook tonight?
Eggman [out of nowhere, sitting with the group]: I guess I will!
Meredy [third-person giddy-speak]: Meredy wants to know who you are, fat ass!
Eggman: I decided to join your party mysteriously.
Keele: Well, you know what? Get the hell out!
Farah: Keele, be nicer!
Keele: Fine. Get the hell out, please!
Reid: Wait, let's see if he's worthy. Mr. Eggman, was it?
Eggman: DOCTOR Eggman, actually.
Reid: Okay, then, what's your strength?
Eggman: Um, er, 600.
Reid: That's not what I meant. You're a doctor, right? How smart are you?
Eggman: Um, er, 5000.
Reid: Okay, I don't think you understand me, Eggman.
Meredy [still happy]: Meredy thinks that Eggman's a damn fool!
Reid: Eggman, what exactly are you good at? Fighting? Cooking?
Eggman: Actually, I'm a robotics expert. See that giant ship above us? I built it!
[The party looks up to see a massive Egg Carrier III.]
Reid [impressed]: Bitchin'! That's WAY better than the gay-ass Van Eltia!
Chat [angry]: HEY!
Eggman: And I can cook, too!
Eggman: Now, what do you want me to make?
Farah [thinking]: Hmm... how about... oh, I know! Fruit Juice!
Eggman [annoyed look]: What? That's it?
Farah: Yeah, those are really filling!
Meredy [still happy]: Meredy wants Max to shut his mouth!
Max: Um... ... ... YEAH!!!
[Eggman puts a Kirima, a Strawberry, and Lemon in a cup, blends it well, then suddenly hears a "failure" tone. The ingredients harden and form a Shadow Shard.]
Eggman [confused]: What the fuck!?
Reid [looks really disappointed and sad]: Eggman, those were our last Kirimas, Lemons, and Strawberries!
Eggman [angry]: But I blended them! THIS DAMN ALTERNATE REALITY AND ITS FUCKED UP PHYSICS! AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? [points to Quickie, the little blue rat thing that sits on Meredy's shoulders]
Quickie [only capable of saying own name]: QUICKIE!? [translation:] Why are you looking at me like that!?
Eggman [points to the horizon]: Look, over there!
[Everyone looks away as Eggman kidnaps Quickie and the Shadow Shard, then escapes to the Egg Carrier III.]
Reid: We lose Quickie too often that way.
Meredy: Quickie, come back!
Announcer: [catchy jingle] ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
[The tasting portion is about to begin.]
Fukui: And now, tasting and judgment. On the panel today are: Quickie, the little blue rat-thing brought in recently by Eggman; demonic ruler of the netherworld, Diablo; evil genius Dr. Eggman; and fortune teller critic, using a fake name because she's a fugitive, Suzuki Honda. Defying tradition, the Iron Chefs are going first because Sonic and Shadow are too courteous.
Shadow [evil smile]: C'mon, go right ahead, you don't have to be afraid!
Sonic [eviler smile]: We won't bite! Hehehe...
[The Iron Chefs are a little nervous, but they go ahead and give out helpings of their first dish, the duck.]
Sakai-san: Now let's slice open this inner tube! [Grabs a knife, but then uses other hand like a knife to chop open inner tube. Cranberries and gravy flow out.]
Eggman [chowing down]: I'll tell you this; DON'T mix cranberries and gravy together.
Kaga: You eat raw fat, Eggman!
Eggman: But, otherwise, the duck is quite good!
Eggman: Quiet, you!
Honda: This tastes better than prison food! [Looks around] Do you hear dogs?
Eggman [confused]: What are you talking about?
Fukui: Next is the Shish-Booker-Bob--hey, where'd it go?
[Everyone stares at Diablo, who has just eaten all five tiny helpings of Booker.]
Diablo: IT WAS HORRIBLE! I LOVED IT!
Eggman [aims his laser handgun at Quickie's face]: I warned you...
Kaga: Wait, Eggman, I think I can use this "Quickie" for my next show!
Eggman: Tell me later! This sounds interesting!
Fukui: Finally, the Iron Chefs give out helpings for their Lamb o' Lanolin a la Mode.
Eggman [chewing]: Hmm... it tastes like taffy, except meatier.
Diablo: YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT MORE CHOCOLATE SAUCE! AND FIRE!
Eggman [irritated]: You always need more fire, don't you!?
Diablo: DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!
Eggman: You tell him, rat-friend!
[Some time passes.]
Fukui: And now, Sonic and Shadow are serving their dishes! First, the fried egg.
Sonic: Well, what do you think?
Shadow: It took one explosion to make, and twenty minutes to settle!
Diablo: EGGS DON'T NEED TO SETTLE!
[Honda sticks a fork in the egg.]
Fried Sheldon: ...help...
Honda [worried look]: It sounds like it's dying!
Shadow [confused look]: Wow, that was unexpected!
Fukui: And now, using a forklift, Sonic and Shadow are bringing the mountain o' stuff to the table.
Eggman [takes a whiff]: It smells like shit.
Diablo: LOOKS LIKE HOME-COOKING! [Takes a handful and bites into it hard, dislodging one demonic tooth] OW, MY TOOTH! I'M BLEEDING! I THOUGHT I DIDN'T BLEED!
Eggman [takes a taste]: It tastes like shit.
Honda: The texture and mixture of the various ingredients mix well with the arrogant nature of the X-Box. I really like this!
Eggman: Do you know what would go well with this giant piece of shit? Some eggs, and a little blue rat thing... [eyeing Quickie]
Quickie [slightly worried]: Quickie?
Sonic [annoyed]: We made an egg!
Eggman [angry]: I mean one that's TOTALLY dead!
Honda [worried, looking around]: Do you hear sirens?
Eggman: What are you talking about?
Fukui: Some interesting observations.
[The judges are marking down their points on their little point folder thingies. A few minutes later, the judges and Kaga are about to announce the winner.]
Kaga: We can only accept judgment from three of the judges, because "Suzuki Honda" was re-captured by the authorities and is "going to a better place," whatever that means. Now, the verdict!
Fukui [talking as some gay-ass "judgment" music starts to play]: In this epic battle of cartoon farm animal proportions, we've seen two video game stars take on Iron Chefs Sakai and Kenichi. Who will take it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme!?
Kaga [after a moment of silence]: Challengers Sonic and Shadow!!!
Sonic [leaving in shame, thinking that they had already lost]: What!?
Shadow [ditto]: HUH!? [turns to Sonic] We, um, rock? Gimme, er, five?
Fukui: A shocking turn of events! It appears as if Sonic and Shadow's unique take on cooking has earned them a place in culinary history!
Both Iron Chefs [in disbelief]: WHAT!?
Ohta [interviewing Sonic and Shadow]: So how do guys feel?
Sonic [confused]: To be honest, we know jack-shit about cooking!
Sakai-san [losing it]: That's it! [unsheathes a katana while cursing in French, even though he clearly isn't French, and would probably curse in Japanese; oh freakin' well...]
Shadow [angry]: Oh yeah?
Sonic [worried]: Shadow, stop!
Shadow: Too ez un, um, BITCH!
Fukui: And now the triumphant challengers leave, being tailed by the Iron Chefs! Get' em, boys!
Eggman [stepping in front of the camera]: What was up with this? Seriously? Quickie? DIABLO? THIS DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!
Diablo [shoves Eggman out of the way]: PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO ME, HUMANS!!!
Demon Voices: [catchy jingle] ♪♫Pledge allegiance to Diablo!♪♫ <sparkle noise>
Eggman [angry]: HEY! That's MY jingle, you bastard!
CMA: Well, that's it for this one! Next, we're doing a third installment of CRONIES, followed by either the next episode of Sonic Iron Chef (a certain little blue rat is the next theme, heh heh heh...), or a brand-spanking-new Rival Schools fic (complete with Eggman commercials)!
Judge Neusy [giddy]: HI!
GMS: ... [imitating Crono]
CMA: And we're off! For now...