El Hazard Fan Fiction ❯ Damn, That's Hot ❯ Chapter 1
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: MrWhat 
Time to kick it up a notch. (NOTE: The worst thing that I've ever written, ULed only for completeness.)
Anime/Manga: El Hazard Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.15.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.7K | Visits: 586 | Status: Completed
Time to kick it up a notch. (NOTE: The worst thing that I've ever written, ULed only for completeness.)
Anime/Manga: El Hazard Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.15.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 1.7K | Visits: 586 | Status: Completed
TITLE: Damn, That's Hot
BLURB: Time to kick it up a notch.
BASED ON: El-Hazard OVA
TYPE: Humor; 1379 words
AUTHOR: Eric Adcock <adcockea@echoalpha.com>
DATE: May 2002
ARCHIVE: http://echoalpha.com/fanfic/
This takes place some time after the end of the first OVA series.
El-Hazard (c) AIC / Pioneer LDC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shayla had donned a chef's hat and apron made from the same heavily striped cloth as the headband that she'd worn at the Fujisawas' wedding. She paced to and fro in the kitchen of the Shinonome Diner, fussing over several huge pots, occasionally sampling their contents and adding a pinch of this or that.
Nanami sat on a stool, fascinated by the activities of her frequent rival. Afura stood in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed, leaning against one side, and watched them both.
"I still can't believe it," Nanami said admiringly. "I didn't know that you could cook at all. But the bowl of chili I just had for lunch was much better than any chili I've ever made."
Shayla smiled, and replied with just a touch of pride. "Well, everyone should be able to cook at least one dish. And what else did you think the great priestess of fire would be able to cook?"
"It's a good bargain for both of you," Afura said. "Shayla works off her tab, and Nanami gets a new special dish just in time for the palace-town autumn festival."
"You won't think it's so good when you get a taste of my 'liquid fire' chili," Shayla taunted. "I'm warning you, the hot peppers were extra hot this year."
Afura smirked. "Bring it on."
"Did we get any other takers for the contest, besides sensei?" asked Nanami.
"Yeah, one more," Shayla said. "And you won't believe..."
She trailed off as she stood over the 'liquid fire' chili pot. But then she grinned again. "Yup. This is just about right."
She held up a large spoon that she had just used to stir the pot. It turned black and disintegrated into powder before their eyes.
"Eep!" said Nanami.
But Afura grinned again.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The autumn festival was under way, and the citizens of Roshtaria wandered the streets, looking over exhibits set out by the palace-town businesses, and generally enjoying themselves.
A small crowd had gathered around the long table in front of the Shinonome Diner.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Nanami announced. "Welcome to the first annual Shinonome Diner chili-eating contest!
"The rules are simple! A single spoonful of Shayla-Shayla's very own 'liquid fire' chili must be consumed in each round! And each spoonful will be hotter than the last!
"And the last one eating wins this certificate, good for ten free Shinonome Diner deluxe box lunches!
"And after the contest, be sure to come to the restaurant and try a bowl of this delicious chili for yourselves! We have a variety of heat levels available, all at low festival prices!
"And now, let's meet our contestants!
"The man with the mighty Hyper Fujisawa Taste Buds of Justice! Everyone's favorite sensei, Masamichi Fujisawa!!"
Miz's eyes shone as she cheered on her husband. "What a man!"
Nanami continued. "She's come from Mount Muldoon to blow away the competition! The great priestess of wind, Afura Mann!!"
"Hurray!" Kauru shouted. "Show them what a priestess can do-- in a non-confrontational, spiritual, loving way, of course..."
"And a last-minute entry... Roshtaria's very own ultimate weapon! The demon god Ifurita!!"
Makoto pumped his fist. "Ifurita! You go girl! Woo hoo!"
The crowd gasped as one, and turned to Makoto, unable to believe that they had heard the usually mild young man cheer like that.
"What!?" Makoto shouted indignantly. "I'm just rooting for my soul-mate here!"
As the crowd turned away from Makoto, Shayla sidled up to him, eyeing Ifurita. "I still can't believe Ifurita wanted to enter the contest," she whispered to him. "Are you sure you didn't talk her into this?"
Makoto shook his head. "But I think I understand her interest. It's something new to her, and she's still eager to learn about human social activities, no matter how ridiculous they are."
"But it hardly seems fair to let *her* enter," Shayla said. "I mean, can't she..."
Makoto smiled. "No... she can taste food just like a human, or ignore the taste, but she can't shield herself from capsaicin. There's no strategic need for that, so it wasn't included in her design...
"And Ifurita is generally tougher than most humans, but she's up against Afura's legendary constitution. I'm afraid that sensei doesn't stand a chance against those two, but they're just about evenly--"
He cut himself off as Nanami announced the start of the contest. "Take up your spoons, and let your suffering for our amusement begin!!"
Fujisawa, Afura and Ifurita each raised a spoonful of chili to their mouths, and ate in perfect unison.
Afura and Ifurita eyed each other. Neither of them showed any sign of weakness. Then they both looked to Fujisawa.
He had put his spoon down, and braced himself against the table, as his face turned red, and redder, and redder still. He looked like he might spontaneously combust, but he held on for nearly a full minute.
He finally sighed, and spoke quietly, but loud enough for all to hear him.
"Damn, that's hot."
Slowly, calmly, he stood up from the table, and walked away to a waiting consolation-prize bowl of soothing ice cream.
Afura turned back to Ifurita and smiled at her confidently. "So... it is down to you... and it is down to me..." She held an open hand out to Ifurita.
Also self-assured, Ifurita took her hand and shook it firmly. "May the best... paranormal female win."
Shayla put a large heavy cooking mitten on one hand, and took up a small bottle of bright orange liquid. "Okay, time to kick it up a notch. This is my own secret recipe hot sauce. Watch your eyes..."
Afura and Ifurita looked away as she held the bottle out at arms' length, looked away herself, and dripped a single drop into each of their bowls.
Tiny perfectly-formed mushroom clouds appeared over the bowls. The crowd ooh'ed and ah'ed.
Shayla grinned. "Let's get it on."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Afura and Ifurita had matched each other, spoonful for spoonful, each hotter than the last, for three more rounds.
But, as Shayla came forwards to add yet another drop of hot sauce to their bowls, both contestants began to falter.
Afura had broken out in a sweat. She tugged at her collar as she summoned up a light breeze to cool herself.
And Ifurita held a towel to her face as a heavy blush came to her alabaster complexion, possibly for the first time ever.
Afura gently needled her. "How ya doin'? Need a recharge?"
Ifurita rose to her challenge. "Keep your lamp at the ready. You shall need all the help you can get."
"Alright, time for round five," Shayla said. "I hope one of you two drops out before these bowls melt."
"And there they go again!" Nanami announced.
Afura and Ifurita raised their spoons and ate. Then they both slowly lowered their spoons, and stared blankly into space, and blinked a few times.
"The colors..." Ifurita murmured. "The... pretty... colors..."
Afura began to sway. "Ifurita... you're turning into a penguin. Stop it..."
They both dropped their spoons and collapsed to the table.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Afura groggily opened her eyes. She saw Ifurita still sitting next to her, also just recovering consciousness.
Then she looked down, and frowned.
"Alright," Afura said out loud. "Would someone please explain why Ifurita and I are both sitting in a tub full of ice?"
Makoto and Shayla kneeled by the tub. Nanami stood behind them. "You both passed out," Makoto said. "And you were fevered, bad enough to hallucinate. We had to bring your temperatures down."
Afura was relieved. "I was afraid that someone had stolen one of my vital organs, and sold it on the black market."
"Nanami?" Ifurita asked. "Who... won?"
"It was a draw," Nanami replied, and held up two certificates. "Five box lunches each. But that doesn't matter. I'm just glad you're both alright."
"Hey, I'm sorry," Shayla said. "I didn't know you two could eat enough of that stuff to melt your brains. We meddled with forces neither human nor demon god could withstand..."
But Afura did not heed the lesson Shayla had learned. She held an open hand out to Ifurita. "Rematch? Same time, next year?"
Ifurita took her hand and shook it firmly. "You are on."
Makoto, Shayla and Nanami sighed in unison. "Aw, *man*..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
BLURB: Time to kick it up a notch.
BASED ON: El-Hazard OVA
TYPE: Humor; 1379 words
AUTHOR: Eric Adcock <adcockea@echoalpha.com>
DATE: May 2002
ARCHIVE: http://echoalpha.com/fanfic/
This takes place some time after the end of the first OVA series.
El-Hazard (c) AIC / Pioneer LDC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Shayla had donned a chef's hat and apron made from the same heavily striped cloth as the headband that she'd worn at the Fujisawas' wedding. She paced to and fro in the kitchen of the Shinonome Diner, fussing over several huge pots, occasionally sampling their contents and adding a pinch of this or that.
Nanami sat on a stool, fascinated by the activities of her frequent rival. Afura stood in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed, leaning against one side, and watched them both.
"I still can't believe it," Nanami said admiringly. "I didn't know that you could cook at all. But the bowl of chili I just had for lunch was much better than any chili I've ever made."
Shayla smiled, and replied with just a touch of pride. "Well, everyone should be able to cook at least one dish. And what else did you think the great priestess of fire would be able to cook?"
"It's a good bargain for both of you," Afura said. "Shayla works off her tab, and Nanami gets a new special dish just in time for the palace-town autumn festival."
"You won't think it's so good when you get a taste of my 'liquid fire' chili," Shayla taunted. "I'm warning you, the hot peppers were extra hot this year."
Afura smirked. "Bring it on."
"Did we get any other takers for the contest, besides sensei?" asked Nanami.
"Yeah, one more," Shayla said. "And you won't believe..."
She trailed off as she stood over the 'liquid fire' chili pot. But then she grinned again. "Yup. This is just about right."
She held up a large spoon that she had just used to stir the pot. It turned black and disintegrated into powder before their eyes.
"Eep!" said Nanami.
But Afura grinned again.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The autumn festival was under way, and the citizens of Roshtaria wandered the streets, looking over exhibits set out by the palace-town businesses, and generally enjoying themselves.
A small crowd had gathered around the long table in front of the Shinonome Diner.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" Nanami announced. "Welcome to the first annual Shinonome Diner chili-eating contest!
"The rules are simple! A single spoonful of Shayla-Shayla's very own 'liquid fire' chili must be consumed in each round! And each spoonful will be hotter than the last!
"And the last one eating wins this certificate, good for ten free Shinonome Diner deluxe box lunches!
"And after the contest, be sure to come to the restaurant and try a bowl of this delicious chili for yourselves! We have a variety of heat levels available, all at low festival prices!
"And now, let's meet our contestants!
"The man with the mighty Hyper Fujisawa Taste Buds of Justice! Everyone's favorite sensei, Masamichi Fujisawa!!"
Miz's eyes shone as she cheered on her husband. "What a man!"
Nanami continued. "She's come from Mount Muldoon to blow away the competition! The great priestess of wind, Afura Mann!!"
"Hurray!" Kauru shouted. "Show them what a priestess can do-- in a non-confrontational, spiritual, loving way, of course..."
"And a last-minute entry... Roshtaria's very own ultimate weapon! The demon god Ifurita!!"
Makoto pumped his fist. "Ifurita! You go girl! Woo hoo!"
The crowd gasped as one, and turned to Makoto, unable to believe that they had heard the usually mild young man cheer like that.
"What!?" Makoto shouted indignantly. "I'm just rooting for my soul-mate here!"
As the crowd turned away from Makoto, Shayla sidled up to him, eyeing Ifurita. "I still can't believe Ifurita wanted to enter the contest," she whispered to him. "Are you sure you didn't talk her into this?"
Makoto shook his head. "But I think I understand her interest. It's something new to her, and she's still eager to learn about human social activities, no matter how ridiculous they are."
"But it hardly seems fair to let *her* enter," Shayla said. "I mean, can't she..."
Makoto smiled. "No... she can taste food just like a human, or ignore the taste, but she can't shield herself from capsaicin. There's no strategic need for that, so it wasn't included in her design...
"And Ifurita is generally tougher than most humans, but she's up against Afura's legendary constitution. I'm afraid that sensei doesn't stand a chance against those two, but they're just about evenly--"
He cut himself off as Nanami announced the start of the contest. "Take up your spoons, and let your suffering for our amusement begin!!"
Fujisawa, Afura and Ifurita each raised a spoonful of chili to their mouths, and ate in perfect unison.
Afura and Ifurita eyed each other. Neither of them showed any sign of weakness. Then they both looked to Fujisawa.
He had put his spoon down, and braced himself against the table, as his face turned red, and redder, and redder still. He looked like he might spontaneously combust, but he held on for nearly a full minute.
He finally sighed, and spoke quietly, but loud enough for all to hear him.
"Damn, that's hot."
Slowly, calmly, he stood up from the table, and walked away to a waiting consolation-prize bowl of soothing ice cream.
Afura turned back to Ifurita and smiled at her confidently. "So... it is down to you... and it is down to me..." She held an open hand out to Ifurita.
Also self-assured, Ifurita took her hand and shook it firmly. "May the best... paranormal female win."
Shayla put a large heavy cooking mitten on one hand, and took up a small bottle of bright orange liquid. "Okay, time to kick it up a notch. This is my own secret recipe hot sauce. Watch your eyes..."
Afura and Ifurita looked away as she held the bottle out at arms' length, looked away herself, and dripped a single drop into each of their bowls.
Tiny perfectly-formed mushroom clouds appeared over the bowls. The crowd ooh'ed and ah'ed.
Shayla grinned. "Let's get it on."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Afura and Ifurita had matched each other, spoonful for spoonful, each hotter than the last, for three more rounds.
But, as Shayla came forwards to add yet another drop of hot sauce to their bowls, both contestants began to falter.
Afura had broken out in a sweat. She tugged at her collar as she summoned up a light breeze to cool herself.
And Ifurita held a towel to her face as a heavy blush came to her alabaster complexion, possibly for the first time ever.
Afura gently needled her. "How ya doin'? Need a recharge?"
Ifurita rose to her challenge. "Keep your lamp at the ready. You shall need all the help you can get."
"Alright, time for round five," Shayla said. "I hope one of you two drops out before these bowls melt."
"And there they go again!" Nanami announced.
Afura and Ifurita raised their spoons and ate. Then they both slowly lowered their spoons, and stared blankly into space, and blinked a few times.
"The colors..." Ifurita murmured. "The... pretty... colors..."
Afura began to sway. "Ifurita... you're turning into a penguin. Stop it..."
They both dropped their spoons and collapsed to the table.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Afura groggily opened her eyes. She saw Ifurita still sitting next to her, also just recovering consciousness.
Then she looked down, and frowned.
"Alright," Afura said out loud. "Would someone please explain why Ifurita and I are both sitting in a tub full of ice?"
Makoto and Shayla kneeled by the tub. Nanami stood behind them. "You both passed out," Makoto said. "And you were fevered, bad enough to hallucinate. We had to bring your temperatures down."
Afura was relieved. "I was afraid that someone had stolen one of my vital organs, and sold it on the black market."
"Nanami?" Ifurita asked. "Who... won?"
"It was a draw," Nanami replied, and held up two certificates. "Five box lunches each. But that doesn't matter. I'm just glad you're both alright."
"Hey, I'm sorry," Shayla said. "I didn't know you two could eat enough of that stuff to melt your brains. We meddled with forces neither human nor demon god could withstand..."
But Afura did not heed the lesson Shayla had learned. She held an open hand out to Ifurita. "Rematch? Same time, next year?"
Ifurita took her hand and shook it firmly. "You are on."
Makoto, Shayla and Nanami sighed in unison. "Aw, *man*..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------