Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Facepaint ❯ Nakago's Death ( Prologue )

If you haven't read this very intelligent Tomo essay, then you should!

http://mitsukake.com/aoiryuu/fanfic/seiryuu/tomoessay.html< br>

Fushigi Yuugi does not belong to me, but to Watase Yuu; I'm just borrowing it. Someday when I have an anime series of my own I'll return the favor and let other people borrow my toys. ^_^ Warnings: AU, OC, YAOI starring Tomo, MPREG (sort of, maybe, eventually), slight HET, and there will be discussion of rape, but no one will be raped in the story. There will also be discussion of dominance, submission, collaring and other hentai topics, as well as a little actual bondage, a little blood. This story may be freely archived. ^_^

Facepaint

by Sunandshadow

Prologue - Nakago's Death

It's an awfully messy way to die, a fist through one's stomach; but then, my life has been messy from beginning to end, why should my death be any different. From the very moment of being conceived as a halfbreed I have been out of place, a flaw in the pattern; a daub of misplaced yellow, a rough spot that catches the carpenter's attention and is automatically ground down. I only wonder why it has taken the world so long to finally reject and erase my presence. No, I know why; because the world is a brute evil, and tear at me though it always did, it could not strike me down until I lowered my guard and granted it permission. That thought is almost satisfying - it's something like having power over your life, if your death is only happening by your own permission.

But what gave me that small immunity, to be always wounded but never killed? Certainly no virtue in me other than that I am a cold-hearted bastard. Quite literally a bastard, that always amused me. Adaptability seems to be the natural compensation men gain for giving up the more delicate parts of their sanity. I never needed their protection, though they tried so hard to give it to me... because they loved me. I never understood why; I could never give them anything they needed. But they loved me, and followed my orders to their deaths. And suddenly when they were gone and my dream was gone, I found that there was nothing left. Revenge? Only I am to blame for my failures, and it is difficult to exact any kind of satisfying revenge upon oneself. And I was never a masochist, only a sadist, and a poor one at that since others' pain brought me only a twisted satisfaction, no pleasure.

When you play chess and the inevitable loss becomes obvious, you concede - you lay the king down. So I lay myself down into death. Seiryuu would not have permitted me to kill myself, so I used Tamahome's obliging fist, but the result was the same. Darkness.

It would have been vain to hope for rest - I was one of the chosen ones, I would be reincarnated to fulfill my duty again, regardless of my preferences. But I would forget. Perhaps that would be enough to ease the pain of leaving my destiny unfinished. And they would be by my side again. Seiryuu told me once that he chose them for me, when he first chose his seishi eons ago. A matched set - like a pair of katana blades, right and left handed. He asked me why I didn't love them in this life, when I had before. I had nothing to say in reply - if Seiryuu didn't understand how my heart had been destroyed, sanded away to a smooth cold nothing, then no one could understand - I never had.

I could not love them, only wield them; they never sang in my grasp like a fine weapon can in the right hands. There was only the painful dissonance of almost-rightness. I would not wish that travesty on them again. I would free them if I could - but they were made for my hand, and would seek me as a compass was drawn off its true course to a lodestone. They could not, would not change their nature; the only way I could free them would be if I could change myself so much I was unrecognizable to them.

I don't know how long I lay in darkness contemplating regrets and impossibilities. But when Taiitsukun appeared before me to ask if I had any preferences for my next reincarnation, telling me that as a reward for our mikos - a reward for Suzaku no Miko, she meant - we were going to be incarnated in their world and time for one cycle, an idea suddenly coalesced in my mind. Maybe they could be free, for one lifetime at least. I would be unrecognizable indeed, at least to the way they were attuned. And maybe, maybe I could learn to love again - after all, the most loving people I had ever known had all been women, maybe they had a natural talent for it... So I made my request. And had the unique experience of seeing a deity surprised - Taiitsukun was unfazed, but Seiryuu was standing there and his jaw dropped, and Suzaku poked him in the side and made some comment about crossdressers and revenge. I ignored them, and concentrated on making my request with all the tired sincerity I possessed.

I asked to be reincarnated as a woman. And Taiitsukun granted my request.

* * *

Now, let us rewind several months, make a small change, and see if things work out a little better this time. In other words: "Once more, with feeling."

Please review! ^_^ mailto:sunandshadow@excite.com