Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Pangea ❯ The Recycle of Life ( Chapter 4 )

A Tale of Two Wallets

 

(An Altered Destiny)

 

Pangea

 

(The Land That Time Forgot)

 

Written by Jim Robert Bader

 

Proofread by Shiva Barnwell

 

 

“Akane-san, are you all right?”

 

“Uhh…huh?” Akane groaned as consciousness slowly returned to her, along with a lot of painful messages from various bumps and bruises rendered all over her body. Very slowly she opened her eyes…only to find the blonde haired Mon-Mon bending over her, looking down with a much-concerned expression.

 

“Thank the gods in Heaven that you're all right,” the Concubine Minstrel sighed in relief, “I thought you might have a concussion after running into that rock face, to say nothing of the fall that followed.”

 

“Fall?” Akane's mind was still too fogged to orient on the meaning of that word as recent events were still a blur. Something about Rodan attacking the dojo and carrying off Kasumi, right? No wait, that did not make sense, that happened some other time on another world…right?

 

“Try and take it easy,” Mon-Mon encouraged, “Just wait a moment and it will all come back to you, if you let it.”

 

“Ah…okay,” Akane replied somewhat dubiously, wondering what that peculiar smell was…and why did it feel like she was lying on a bed of straw or…?

 

“Shhh!” Mon-Mon suddenly urged as she glanced back over her shoulder, “There is not much time, and she might return at any moment. We will have to be quick and agile if we're to escape from this dilemma.”

 

“W-what dilemma?” Akane asked as she tried to sit up, only to find her dizziness returning for her efforts.

 

“Easy, do not try to force yourself too fast,” Mon-Mon urged as she moved an arm to steady Akane, “Give your body and mind time to recover, you will need your wits about you if we are to survive the next few moments. The Pteranadon may be a slow-witted bird but it has a wicked beak and I do not know if I can defeat it on my lonesome. It would be best if we combined our resources, and that means you must be at your best when the creature returns to claim us.”

 

“Uh…wait…Pteranadon?” Akane blinked, her memory suddenly returning as she recalled the huge creature who had plucked them out of the air as though they field mice. She looked up at the concubine then turned her head to glance around and gave a start as recognition finally dawned within her, at which point she said, “You have got to be kidding me…”

 

“Would that I were,” Mon-Mon replied as she traced Akane's gaze to the rather large objects that were poised a short distance away, “But I fear that this is all too real for my liking.”

 

“A nest?” Akane blinked, “And look at the size of those eggs! They're huge!”

 

“At least two meters from end to end,” Mon-Mon agreed, “And I dare say that each one contains a creature that may break out at any moment. That is the reason why we are here, to serve as their first meal when they are hatched.”

 

“Hatched?” this time Akane did manage to sit upright, staring in alarm at one of the eggs, which had started to vibrate, rocking from side to side as though it were somehow alive, like a gourd inhabited by a giant beetle.

 

“When you crashed the two of us into that wall you stunned the both of us, which is why I can only conjecture as to how we arrived here,” Mon-Mon answered, “My guess is that the creature escaped from that angelic being and found us unconscious, so it carried us away and deposited us here to serve as food for her babies.”

 

“Then…why are we still alive?” Akane asked, “Why didn't it kill us when it had the chance?”

 

“My guess would be that she prefers a live meal for her babies rather than one that is cold and decaying,” Mon-Mon theorized, “It would be good training for her young if they get some early practice in slaughtering their prey since that is going to be one of their primary functions for the rest of their primitive lives.”

 

“You mean we're nothing more than training tools and a happy meal on two legs?” Akane did not bother to conceal her dismay.

 

“More or less, I believe yes,” the Concubine answered, “The creature is not particularly bright but it does have an instinct for when it comes to the nutritional diet of its offspring…”

 

“We have to get out of here!” Akane glanced around and found that her wings were absent for the moment, “Wha…?”

 

“Forgive me, I applied hot water from my canteen to change you back,” Mon-Mon explained, “I thought we should do this in human terms rather than to risk another airborne encounter. You seem to need a bit more practice in your flying before you can make full use of your potential, and in the air the creature has a terrifying advantage, so…”

 

“I get it,” Akane sighed, “Well, if doing it the hard way is the answer, then so be it. So we'll just climb down from here and…”

 

Mon-Mon just looked at her frankly and said, “Care to see how high up we are before you say that?”

 

“Huh?” Akane asked, then noticed the lip of the next and began to crawl over towards the edge, then, with Mon-Mon's assistance, she got up on her knees and leaned over the edge, only to yelp and draw away when she belatedly realized just where the nest was and how far down they would have to fall in order to touch bottom.

 

“Oh,” she said, having a moment of doubt where she really regretted not having her wings back.

 

“We should be able to climb down from here,” Mon-Mon noted, “At least in theory, but we have to avoid attracting the attention of the mother, to say nothing of any of her hatchlings, who may be putting in an appearance at any moment.”

 

“Right,” Akane said, only to abruptly turn about as a low moan reached her ears, prompting her to say, “What was that?”

 

“What was…oh…” Mon-Mon also turned at the sound of another moan, then together they risked moving back towards the center of the nest and circling around one of the eggs in order to find the source of this moaning.

 

To their mutual surprise they found a woman laying flat on her back near the middle of the nest, a woman with brown hair that was short in the front but trailed down in twin ponytails down the length of her back and who had on the most outrageous of outfits, one that seemed both impractical and gaudy with quite a lot of her body exposed to the naked eye. She was simultaneously a stranger and yet at once familiar to Akane, who gasped aloud the word, “Mom?” as though disbelieving in her own senses.

 

Mon-Mon's reaction to the sight of this woman was a very different sort, more surprised than alarmed as she uttered the words, “I do not believe this…”

 

“Mom!” Akane rushed forward and was at the woman's side in a heartbeat, lifting her up partially into her lap and cradling her there with an anxious, half-disbelieving expression, “Momma?”

 

“Uh…” the woman groaned again, then half opened her eyes and looked up to see who was holding her in such an intimate manner, then in semi-conscious tones she said, “A-Akane-chan…? Is that you…”

 

“Mom…I can't believe…what are you doing here? Are you real? Are you alive?” Akane stammered in a rush.

 

“I am wondering the former and assuming the latter myself,” Mon-Mon said more clinically, as if expecting to hear an explanation from an errant schoolgirl.

 

“Uh…what happened?” Peorth the goddess wondered as she tried to summon up her memories once again, “That…creature…”

 

“Should be showing up again at any moment, now that you mention it,” Mon-Mon noted dryly, eyeing the goddess with something less than awe in her tone and expression.

 

“Mom…” Akane hesitated as the woman in her lap turned to glance her way, then with a yelp Peorth sat up suddenly and stared with rounded eyes in her direction.

 

“Ma Cheri?” the goddess yelped, “But…gah!”

 

Unfortunately, before any further words could be exchanged, the nearest of the eggs began to quiver, then suddenly cracked along one of the edges.

 

“Uh oh,” Mon-Mon remarked, “I think this conversation would best be continued at a different location. If we stay around here much longer then we may be confronted with what a worm feels like when a chick hatches in its nest.”

 

“Ah…good point,” Peorth got up on her feet with such alacrity that one might not have guessed that she was only just returned to consciousness, “It seems I…um…underestimated their mother…you know how that is. Akane-chan, Cheri…I know that this must seem…rather awkward, but…”

 

The crack abruptly widened, and the tip of a beak began to poke its way out from the ruptured shell of the egg.

 

“I can't believe it…you're alive? You're real? I thought you were my fairy godmother…but…?” Akane asked, ignoring the looming threat from the egg as she stared in disbelieving wonder at the woman she thought of as her mother.

 

“I am serious this time,” Mon-Mon said more urgently, “We have to leave, and the sooner the better.”

 

“Um…just so, yes,” Peorth dusted her hands off on her outfit, “Ma Cheri, I know I owe you an explanation, but for now you have to trust me. I will explain everything just as soon as I am able, but for now…”

 

“Now would be good,” Mon-Mon urged, trying not to sound as anxious as she plainly was as she stared at the length of the beak that was chipping its way steadily towards freedom.

 

“But…how can we get down from here?” Akane asked, “The climb…it's nearly impossible…”

 

“Let me worry about that, ma courte,” Peorth said with a somewhat lopsided smile, raising her arms and concentrating before chanting aloud, “Spirits of Air, Light and Wind, waft now and carry us to freedom from these earthly constraints, in the name of the heavens, so mote it to be!”

 

And in response to her chanting a wind did indeed rise up to surround them in its warm embrace, and as Akane and Mon-Mon gasped in mutual surprise they found their feet were lifting off from the straw and mud daub to carry them aloft as they were swept away into the cloudless blue sky all around them. Peorth stretched out her arms and was suddenly dwarfed by the manifestation of her angelic counterpart, `La Rose Magnifique,” and then she followed after both courtesan and goddaughter, guiding their flight as the three of them drifted off from the peaks that surrounded them, gliding off towards the lower forestland that beckoned in the distance.

 

Akane was amazed to see the goddess in her full manifestation of glory, so much so that she almost missed the awesome view of the jungle underneath them as they got a good view of the island itself, and the equally curious profile presented by the beauteous Mon-Mon. Her minstrel companion seemed quite at ease as they drifted in empty space, instinctively curling her body and showing off the length of her long legs as though to accommodate the patterns of the wind with a grace that was as natural as it was unassuming. Her ribbons whirled around her half-clad body, adding a touch of mystery to what was on display for free viewing.

 

But still the sight of the woman she knew to be her mother left Akane even more thrilled and breathless. The marks on Peorth's face were glowing in accordance with the use of her heavenly powers, and the angel that seemed at once to surround and rise above her was itself trailing a vine of rosy blossoms while spreading its magnificent wings to catch the air and channel it around them. A thousand questions leaped into Akane's mind even as she fought her own inherent skepticism and tried to understand how her mother could be both alive and at once so transcendent.

 

Their meeting of a few days ago flowed rapidly to mind when Akane had half-believed it a mere dream that the woman now before her had appeared to her and had given her first instructions about flying. And now, wrapped within the warm embrace of a literal angel, she stared in wonder at the woman with the glowing facial tattoos who was commanding such awesome forces and transporting them through the air like a messenger from the heavens. What else could she conclude from this but to believe that her late mother had somehow been transformed into a being of higher order, a kami as it were, as a gift from the very heavens.

 

And yet…how could it be that she was flesh and blood? It made no sense, yet her mother had felt so real, solid and alive in her arms, and there was no mistaking that look of recognition that had filled her gaze the moment she and Akane had made eye contact. Those amber-green eyes had a quality that filled Akane's memories about her mother, and to look upon her now was to be filled with the sense that she really was Akane's mother, beyond question she was alive, and yet filled with the presence of heavenly essence, which meant that she was definitely far more than any mere human.

 

They at last touched down on the stony volcanic rock that lay at the base of those high peaks which they had only just quitted, and the goddess withdrew her angel back into herself while allowing normal gravity to reassert its hold on all three parties. She then turned to Akane and tentatively began, “Akane-chan…ma cheri...”

 

“Are you my mother?” Akane blurted out, unable to contain herself on that subject any longer.

 

There was only the slightest hesitation on Peorth's part before she said, “I am…she who gave birth to you…or one part of the equation.”

 

“Then…you are real,” Akane approached Peorth and touched her face with callused hands, tracing the curious markings that adorned her heavenly cheekbones, “But…how…?”

 

Peorth touched Akane's wrists with her more delicate hands and said, “Some things are best not questioned, ma cheri. Know that you are my child and that I love you, and that I have always been with you in spirit if not until recently of body.”

 

“But…why…why did you leave us?” Akane asked, and Peorth was forced to glance down rather than meet the pain, hurt and longing that made the question seem part accusation.

 

“Not by choice, Cheri,” Peorth replied, forcing herself to look back up again with a resolute expression, “Heaven commanded and I…had to obey…but never for a moment did I not wish it to be otherwise. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my long life, and the reason I came back is because…I wanted to be with you.”

 

“But…I don't understand…” Akane admitted with tears rolling down her cheeks and a tightness in her breast that made her feel as though she might be losing her mother all over.

 

“Perhaps that is for the best,” Peorth admitted, “Some things should never be questioned, Akane-chan, only accepted as they are, lest Heaven decide to part us once more after we have found each other again. You will understand it all some day, I promise.”

 

“I…I don't want to understand…not if it means losing you all over, Momma…” Akane said with a trembling lip one second before breaking down and throwing her arms around the goddess to hug her tightly in a desperate embrace.

 

Peorth was only a fraction of a second behind in embracing Akane back, and the two of them stood there holding on to one another while the goddess closed her eyes and wept tears without further hesitation, knowing how much she needed to be held by this child whom she had held so many times before when Akane was too little to remember.

 

Mon-Mon held silent as she watched these two hug each other like long-lost family, but her expression was more curious than aloof, and at length she finally spoke aloud her thoughts upon the matter, “Well, well…Peorth of the Roses, isn't it? What brings you to this side of the mortal plane…Goddess?”

 

Akane felt her mother stiffen in her arms, then Peorth gently pushed away and turned to confront the minstrel, frowning as she said, “You seem to have me at a disadvantage, Mortal…I do not believe I know you, though I can see by your aura that you are something more than…human.”

 

“I am a priestess in the humble service of my Lady, the goddess Benzaiten,” Mon-Mon replied, “One of the Seven Lucky Gods, and Nekonron is my home.”

 

“Oh…so you're Benzaiten's girl,” Peorth raised an eyebrow as she regarded the pale-haired Concubine Minstrel, “That explains a few things. So…how did you come to be in the company of my daughter?”

 

“Mother?” Akane blinked, surprised at hearing her mother addressed as “goddess.”

 

“A bit of serendipity on that,” Mon-Mon replied as she slung her instrument around and began to play a few odd notes, “I was falling towards the ground and she came to my rescue, proving that she is every bit the heroine as her sister.”

 

“My other child, Nabiki?” Peorth asked levelly, “So…you've no other interest in her besides that?”

 

Mon-Mon stilled the chords that she was playing and smiled a smile that was pure mischief, “I never said that. In truth, I find this revelation that she is of your get to be most…intriguing.”

 

Peorth seemed to bridle a bit as she regarded the priestess, “Now see here, Akane-chan is meant for someone else and not you! I have been trying to help her out with her romantic troubles and…”

 

“You have?” Akane asked, jumping back into the conversation.

 

“Urk,” Peorth suddenly regretted her words, “I mean…I have been trying to help fulfill your wishes to find the love you seek, Cheri. I would never presume to choose your mate for you…”

 

“But of course,” Mon-Mon remarked, “And Peorth of the Roses is famous for her not meddling in the affairs of mortals and half-mortals.”

 

Peorth was about to say something nasty about that when Akane asked, “Why do you keep calling her that? Who is Peorth of the Roses?”

 

“The daughter of Tsukiyomi of the Moon and half-sister to another famous meddler known as Kaguya Rei-Rei,” Mon-Mon answered truthfully, “We are in the presence of a celebrity among goddesses, the Mistress of Moments and a high ranking officer in the Celestial Bureaucracy of Heaven.”

 

Peorth winced visibly but tried to maintain a stoical front even as she felt Akane's eyes on her cheek as the latter said, “But…I thought you were my mother?”

 

“I am,” Peorth replied without fully turning around, “Or rather…your mother was one of my Aspects.”

 

“I thought as much,” Mon-Mon nodded as she resumed playing, “Let me guess…she was your avatar during a visit to the mortal planes, and that is why you regard this girl as your child…because you helped to bring her into the world, which does entitle you to call her your earth daughter?”

 

“Hey, I was in labor for four hours!” Peorth blurted out, “You have any idea what it's like trying to pass a bowling ball between your legs?” Then she winced as realized how that must have sounded and said, “Akane-chan…I am the one who helped give birth to you. You are my daughter, Cheri, and I don't care what anyone else says about that.”

 

“I…but…I…” Akane struggled helplessly to put it all together in her mind, finding the concepts difficult to reconcile with her own fragmentary memories of her earliest childhood, of always looking up to her mother as though she literally were an embodiment of the Kami…

 

Unfortunately she was still struggling to find the right words to phrase her next fateful question when an ear-shattering scream broke up their little interlude and caused all heads to turn in time to see the looming shadow that was swooping down upon them like a dark figure of motherly vengeance.

 

“Uh-oh,” Mon-Mon nervously remarked, “Don't look now but…she's baaack!”

 

One second later the Pteranadon mother was upon them, forcing even Peorth to scramble out of the way of razor sharp talons and beak that was seeking to claim their flesh for the sake of her own babies…

 

 

“Gotta give her this much, she's persistent,” Ukyo remarked as she and Makoto stared down from the shelf of rocks that they had scrambled to the top of in great haste, “Guess she really thinks we were going to do something nasty to her babies.”

 

“Any chance we could convince her it was all a bit mistake, Senpai?” Makoto asked.

 

“You wanna go down there and try to explain it to her, Sugar?” Ukyo responded as she nodded to where the triceratops was stomping the ground and testing the loose shale that was all that separated her from the slope that the two human girls had ascended in a hurry.

 

Makoto seemed to think it over for a moment before replying, “Fat chance of that, Senpai. Looks like we're stuck here for a bit until she gets tired and wanders off to check back on her babies.”

 

“Oh well,” Ukyo sniffed through her nostrils, “Guess we'll be a bit late catching up with the others. Good thing this shelf is wide enough that we won't be in danger of sliding back down there. I'd sure hate to get stomped flatter than an okonomiyaki over a simple misunderstanding.”

 

“Looks like it,” Makoto said, then smiled as she added, “However will we pass the time do you suppose? We could be here for hours.”

 

“Or however long Miss Three-Horns there is willing to wait,” Ukyo agreed before calling down at the triceratops, “We weren't going to hurt your eggs, you stupid jackass! You've got the wrong idea about us!”

 

Makoto did her best to hide her irritation at Ukyo's failure to pick up on the hint that she had been dropping and decided to up the ante, “I said, Senpai…how are we going to pass the time, and isn't it too convenient that we ran past those steam geysers on the way here?”

 

“Huh?” Ukyo blinked as she turned a questioning glance at her companion and only then caught the amorous look in Makoto's eyes and read the lust openly displayed in her expression, to which she could only reply, “Oh.”

 

Makoto reached out to her and started to play with Ukyo's hair, feeling around the ends of her dark blue ribbon, “I said it before and I'll say it again…I like you either as a boy or a girl, but as a girl you have more staying power.”

 

“Oh…is that so?” Ukyo found herself strangely enchanted by the way the warm volcanic breeze blew the hairs that formed Makoto's forelocks, and all at once she was aware of a curious perfume-like scent carried on that breeze that was nearly as entrancing as the scent of her companion's own body.

 

A simple tug and Ukyo's ribbon came undone, causing her long brown hair to spill all over her backside as Makoto drew her closer into her embrace and said, “Why don't we show Momma over there just how harmless we can be? I'm sure nobody will mind if we make use of that flat stone surface over there. It may not make much of a bed, but you can lay back on it and let me do all the work of getting things started.”

 

“You don't say, Sugar?” Ukyo leered back, finding her desire for Makoto suddenly peaking without warning, as though they were not in a desperate situation with two tons of angry rhino-ancestry looking up at them from a steep volcanic angle. Suddenly the side of an active volcano seemed like the perfect romantic setting for doing things with her iinazuke that you might find in any biology text under “Animal Mating,” albeit what she intended to do with her fiancée was hardly reproductive, though it most certainly would be entirely consensual!

 

Without further deliberation they began to undress one another and cast their clothing to the side with a careless thought of who else might be looking. The Triceratops mother narrowed her beady eyes and wondered what these primate-descended creatures were up to all of a sudden, only to blink as she heard the first of a long series of soft moans and affectionate noises that next caused the creature to go round-eyed in amazement, almost anthropomorphic in the way she seemed to regard the two teenagers as they acted in total disregard to all thoughts of local community standards…

 

 

Nabiki's Journal Continues:

 

“Oh, what a piece of work is a man,” Lotion suddenly remarked, “How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable; in action how like an angel, in apprehension like a god. The beauty of the world; the paragon of animals. And yet, to me what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights me not, nor does woman, though by your smiling you would seem to say so.”

 

“Hey, I'm sorry, Sensei,” I said since I was indeed smiling at her, “It's just that, after years of hanging around with Kuno, I've pretty much got lines like that committed to memory, and he always was a ham about Hamlet.”

 

“You mean until quite recently,” she corrected, “And tell me, Apprentice, what does the great Bard say to you in that soliloquy from his arguably best work ever?”

 

“Why, are we playing drama critic here?” I asked, “Or are you going to tell me that you knew him personally?”

 

“Sorry, before even my time,” she admitted, “I simply thought you might have an appreciation of the classics, but obviously I was mistaken. You young people are so jaded these days, you really do think you know everything.”

 

“Hey, it's not that,” I said as we continued on through the thick foliage of that sweltering jungle, following a trail that seemed to open up for us even as we debated an English classic, “I get the point about it all. Shakespeare was commenting on the shortcomings of men in his time, which is pretty much a universal condition. We start out with all the right elements to be as godly and divine as the kami, but most of us fall well short of achieving our potential. I guess it's all part of that fallen angel theme that crops up in a lot of other works of his era…”

 

“You're close to the truth on this,” she said as she studied the surrounding foliage, “In the scene Hamlet was engaging in a bit of misdirection with his so-called friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who were spying upon him for his enemy, the King. Hamlet affected a kind of madness by making a profound point that would escape the reasoning of his friends but was readily understandable by any other educated man of Shakespeare's age. Man was vaunted as a divine creation by the church and the early Humanists who helped to found the Renaissance, for such a marvel was the anatomical construction of human beings that they surely reasoned that we could only be of divine manufacture. Of course, since his age, rationalists and epistemologists have come to believe that we are nothing more than the product of millions of years of random evolution.”

 

“All right,” I said, “I'll bite. What do you believe about our divinity or randomness in evolution, Teach?”

 

“I believe that if we are the products of mere randomness, then it is to randomness that we owe our thanks for being around to appreciate this conversation,” she responded, “A man once asked a Buddhist what he thought about the shape of the world.”

 

“And?” I asked, waiting for the punch line.

 

“The Buddhist replied that he could hardly think of a better place for it,” she relied, and I faintly groaned in predictable lamentation, “Think of it another way: could you design a better model for the system if you were given the powers of a god to rearrange the fundamental composition of nature?”

 

“Obviously not,” I admitted as I admired a patch of oversized flowers dangling from some nearby vines, appreciating their color and contrasting their shade of purple with Shampoo's hair color, “I don't claim to be as omniscient about such things as a god, Sensei…”

 

“And yet even the gods have their limitations in terms of power, perspective and wisdom,” she naturally responded, adding a cheap shot by adding, “An example of this would be your heavenly mother.”

 

I grimaced a bit over that, for though I do admire and even care for Peorth, my “heavenly mother” by adoption, I knew well enough about her by now so as to have no great illusions that she approaches the lofty standard of omnipotent perfection.

 

Lotion—as is her wont—took my silence for assent and continued, “Think of the matter this way…out of all the possible random combinations that could produce a world such as this one, the atoms and molecules that comprise our bodies formed themselves in just the right arrangement for there to be a you and a me, and the mathematical odds of such an event happening are quite astronomical. Surely blind fortune must necessitate an infinite number of alternate possibilities where you and I never met nor became student and teacher, and on countless other worlds our parents never gave birth to either one of us, while in yet other worlds human beings never came down from the trees and instead an intelligent form of badger took our place on the food chain. Go even further into the realm of likely probability and there are even longer odds against the planet Earth even forming within this solar system in the first place.”

 

Our conversation came to a pause as we both checked our forward movements to allow the right-of-way to a gigantic centipede the size of a small crocodile—and I am not making this up either! It really was like this gigantic segmented roach on a hundred squirmy little legs, and I found myself absently wondering what sort of bug spray you might need to hold that thing at bay. Maybe a chair and a bullwhip would have left me feeling more secure about how near to it we were standing.

 

“All right,” I said once the creature had ambled along past us, “So the long odds were against us, but we're here, right? I mean, we came to be instead of something else, right?”

 

“Indeed,” Lotion replied as we started moving forward again, gingerly stepping over the trail of slime left by some other enormous creature the likes of which I don't even want to contemplate (but if it was a snail then I'd love to see that frog Pecardin try to eat it!), “And by rights we ought to feel rather proud about that, beating the odds by merely coming into existence.”

 

“Why?” I asked as I paid more attention to our surroundings, now fully aware of what sort of primitive life forms might pounce on us at any moment even granted it was as beautiful as it was likely deadly, “We didn't have anything to do with that besides exist.”

 

“And that is where you would be wrong, Apprentice,” she said as though waiting for me to make that point, “We do have choices when it comes to our own existence. Life is not about blind chance, nor does the world exist independent of our will as we are intelligent, self-reflective beings who know and appreciate the value of the world and can respond to reality on a personal, subjective level.”

 

“What, we make things happen?” I asked while glancing at a dandelion the size of a beanpole, “How?”

 

“By observing, perceiving, and knowing the shape of our reality,” she replied, “Subject and Object in balance, the rule by which probability may be slanted to favor our will against the odds. The mere act of observing causes a fundamental shift on the quantum level in the behavior of that which is being observed, so by altering our perception of a thing we are exerting our will to effect an alteration. Reality is actually a highly subjective shared experience that is both fluid and plastic. That which we laughingly call reality is a shared experience of collective perception, and that which most human beings acknowledge to be real is the existence that they can verify by cross referencing with the testimony of others. Similarly in science a principle or theory is only adopted when it can be demonstrated repetitively to the satisfaction of the great majority of the community of scientists, yet that which is not so easily performed or repeated becomes a mere anecdotal experience that can just as easily be dismissed or discounted. A reality that is experienced by one and not another remains mere fancy, and if it disagrees with the wider experience of other human beings it can be thought of as unreal and resides in the realm of pure fancy.”

 

I smiled and decided to play her favorite word tricks back at her by quoting, “I could be bound inside of a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space were it not that I have…bad dreams.”

 

“Precisely,” she nodded with evident approval, “You are catching on at last, proof that my feeble attempts at getting your attention have not entirely been for nothing. A shared experience defines the limits of perception that ordinary human beings call reality, but for we Lore Masters the bounds of what we know to be real have no such limits…”

 

“Because we know the shape of things without needing to demonstrate it to the point of exhaustion?” I finished for her, then paused to ask myself just how exactly I had known that she was about to say that.

 

“We can feel the shape of reality,” she explained, “You know without having to be told that a thing is true or not, and lies told to you are as easy to unravel. The akashik plane that exists upon the level of the spirit bears the imprint of this world like a psychic carbon copy, and if you know how to read its shape you will sense and perceive a reality that is deeper and more meaningful than normal human perceptions.”

 

“So a Lore Master is part lie-detector, Truthsayer and Mystic,” I thought about it as I said those words aloud, knowing as I spoke that I was woefully short of an entirely accurate analogy and description.

 

Of course that was about the time that something went stalking past our position, and Lotion hastily thrust her staff into my path, not that I needed to be told to remain perfectly still since my encounter with the T-Rex had taught me just how fast these creatures could move if they thought you were something tasty.

 

Fortunately for the both of us it turned out to be a plant-eater…what I think they call a Stegosaurus, which means a four-legged lizard as big as a house with a double row of nasty-looking spikes that run up and down the length of its back, and with a tail shaped like a barbed club that could put a nice sized hole in the side of a tanker. The creature was too busy munching on plants to pay us any attention, but I had a sense that it was highly territorial and might well resent our presence.

 

It passed after a bit and we resumed our walk once again with me being careful where I set my feet since I already knew that some of the plant life there was more dangerous than poison ivy, and the insect life came in the large economy-sized variety, which is why I'm glad I didn't encounter a dog-sized mosquito while traipsing around in a silk robe feeling very much like I was a prime filet on somebody's menu.

 

“Let us return to the point that the Bard was making in his famous soliloquy,” Lotion began anew rather than address the shortcomings of my previous statement, “Consider what a marvel of construction the human form truly is, the way that bone, nerve, muscle and sinew are arranged to create the body of a martial artist. Think of the complexity with which these parts are integrated together, the manner in which they flow from one kinetic point to the other, the sleekness of the human form as it glides through complex movements that are practiced and rehearsed to exhaustion. Surely such a wondrous creation has the mark of divinity about it and is not merely the product of eons of random selection.”

 

“Possibly,” I conceded, though I was not entirely ready to abandon the rationalist model, “But doesn't the fact that all of our equipment works as it's supposed to demonstrate that it's all been field tested over and over again over countless generations?”

 

“A fair point that,” she conceded, “The viability of the human form has indeed been field tested since you yourself are the result of many, many successful matings between the male and female parts of your ancestry, and each and every one of them had to be healthy and viable enough to survive long enough to bear children. That is the manner in which the human genome is maintained, that only a reasonably healthy individual like yourself can survive the rigors of childhood and go on to endure the even more rigorous tests that come with being a mother.”

 

“And what about the guys who aren't as lucky?” I countered, “Are they part of the plan or did they just wind up unlucky in the numbers?”

 

“Consider yourself the natural implications of your question,” Lotion replied, “Out of all the possible random combinations of the DNA strands of your parents, the exactly right combination resulted in your conception and gestation, and you defied the even longer odds that might have eliminated you during the zygote phase of early development. One half of all pregnancies naturally end in miscarriage, the embryo proving to be non-viable, which means it dies and is reabsorbed back into the body, often with the woman never even knowing that she was pregnant in the first place. Then there are the many harsh elements, the slings and arrows of outrageous environmental injury that could induce harm to the developing fetus and stunt its development long before it is born into the world and is fully acknowledged as a person. Just by making it to the delivery room you beat considerably long odds, and that doesn't even take into account the many other genetic factors that determined your sex and potential for physical and mental development. In truth it is quite miraculous that you were even born as you are in the first place.”

 

“Okay,” I said, “I'm a lucky survivor. Yay team and all that…”

 

“You scoff?” she smiled my way, “Consider then that you did not suffer serious illness or even crib death and instead grew to be the lovely young woman that you are today, one who has many desirable qualities that are admired and appreciated by both your wife and husband. Surely you must concede that you are the product of more than serendipity, that you are indeed a rare and precious flower of humanity, one who embodies many of the finest qualities that are to be found within the human species.”

 

“Yeah…well, what about it?” I asked, wondering where this long soliloquy of my virtues was leading.

 

“Let me put it to you a different way,” she said, “What are the odds of someone like, say, your wife coming into being, or your husband for that matter?”

 

“Shampoo and Ranma?” I asked, then seriously considered the question, “Pretty long I'll admit, but then again, they're both very special people. I guess you could say they're each one-of-a-kind, real collector items.”

 

“Yet perhaps not so unique as you imagine,” she said enigmatically, leaving me to guess just what she was implying with that statement, “But tell me truly, child…if you could change any part of them, would you?”

 

“No,” I answered without needing to think about the question, “Shampoo and Ranma…well…they're fine enough by me just the way they are. In fact you could almost say that they're both…perfect.”

 

“Perfection is an ideal so rarely approached in mortal life,” she mused, “But I would be inclined to agree with your assessment. Consider them both, then, in their more idealized state then visualize the shape of their faces, the lines that flow from the neck to the shoulder, the definition of muscle mass and body fat that combine to mold the frame of skeleton to support the smoothness of their skin as you trace the lines that lead down from the chest to the lower abdomen and continue on to the hips, thighs and loins, then follow the trail down to the legs and feet then consider the way they balance themselves on the balls of their feet and put the whole package together to contemplate the overall dynamic. What does this tell you about the nature of male and female anatomy?”

 

“That they're both hot properties and I want to screw both of them,” I answered without thinking, feeling hot and bothered all of a sudden for reasons that had little to do with the sweltering heat of that damned jungle.

 

“Down girl,” Lotion teased, “There is a time and a place for everything, and allowing your hormones to control your thoughts is the mark of poor discipline. Besides which, it would seem that your wife and husband have already started without you.”

 

“Huh?” I asked as we abruptly came to a parting in the foliage and found ourselves near the bank of a river, and—sure enough—there was Ranma and Shampoo going at it hot and heavy, Ranma in his girl form (of course) parting her legs while Shampoo was straddling her and making vigorous groin-to-groin contact.

 

“You see how it is?” Lotion asked as I stood there with my mouth hanging open, “Your loved ones are indeed the finest examples of the human paragon that I have ever personally encountered and it is not at all surprising that they share a deep appreciation of one another. Of course their current eagerness could be partially attributed to the those pollen spores in the air which are affecting the other members of your party, not that any of you much need an excuse to indulge in your youthful urges and make out like rabbits in heat.”

 

“Hah?” I asked, too mesmerized by the sight of my loved ones making out to form a much more rational response to that.

 

“It truly is an amazing thing, this attraction that we feel for one another on a sexual level,” Lotion continued as though she were discussing some fascinating object of research, “No other primate species has the capacity to enjoy the act of sex to the same degree that we do, nor do other animals take as much joy from sexual coitus as we are designed to indulge by nature. Most animals have fixed times and seasons when the mating urge comes upon them, yet we are free to indulge in sex most days of the year, and we find such joy when the act is performed just right by the most desirable parties. It truly is more of an art than a science, yet when executed to mutual peak performance it can be the nearest thing to cosmic awareness that human beings can experience this side of heaven.”

 

“Ah…yeah,” I said, and suddenly that silk robe I was wearing was stiflingly hot and I had the powerful urge to disrobe and jump into the fun that was going on a short few meters away at the edge of the river.

 

I ought to make a point of saying here that I was feeling rather heady and out of sorts with my mind continually wandering all over this place with this talk of different body parts and their respective qualities. I couldn't help thinking of Shampoo with her sinuous legs and curving hips with a rounded ass that just begs for me to fondle, and going up the list of areas where I most love to lavish my attention are those magnificent gravity-defying boobs she proudly sports, and thinking even now of what I went through at that time is making me yearn to jump into bed with my loved ones and put this journal down for the duration.

 

Of course I'd be doing a gross injustice to neglect to mention of what a hottie Ranma is when she's in her so-called “cursed” form. She may be smaller and more petite than Shampoo but she lacks for nothing in any area that I might inventory, and I know that I take great joy in handling her like a pig-tailed sex toy. Of course I like it when Ranma is male and he's hammering me like tent peg, but with his ability to switch-hit like that I just know that I've got the best of both worlds, and so does Shampoo as was illustrated that day on the riverbank in that jungle.

 

Shampoo—it hardly need be said—is the more accomplished sensualist of the three of us, having explored sexuality in her early teenaged years and coming as she does from a society that is not quite as straight-laced on the subject as Japan. She is by far the more uninhibited and displays a talent for inventive mischief by turning the act of foreplay into a kind of sparring event, the kind of match where winning and losing are pretty much one and the same thing. Ranma's proven to be a quick study under her (no pun intended) and I've certainly given it my best shot to master the fundamentals of screwing my partners' brains out. To see Shampoo go at it from the sidelines, however, is an education in itself, and I felt simultaneously like taking notes and applauding for each time I heard Ranma's voice arch a note with another orgasm. I was squirming where I stood, mashing my toes into the moist soil where I was standing and feeling a heady urge to join in on the fun. Why I held back at all is unknown to be, especially considering the other stories I've since been told on how the other members of our party were being affected by those aphrodisiac-inducing pollen spores that I've just mentioned.

 

Still, given the fact that I was being enormously distracted at the moment, I find it all the more remarkable that I can still recall the old woman's words so clearly as she remarked in her dry, almost clinical manner, “It may surprise you to know this, Tendo-san, but I was young once myself and can well remember what it was like to feel the rush of hormones overriding my good sense. The man I loved so long ago…well, let us just say that I would not trade my moments with him for all the tea in China and let's leave it at that, but the point of the matter is that you are currently experiencing the rush of both hormones and of spiritual energies that bind you to your loved ones on invisible tendrils. That is why you can take such pleasure in watching them pleasuring one another, because in a way you are already in the middle of that affair and feel no threat to your territorial interests. The emotional and psychic bonds between you remain unbroken and unbowed, for in your heart you know that they are fidelitous to you even as you know that they would gladly include you in these activities were you to approach them at the height of their mutual arousal.”

 

“Uh…yeah…I know,” I swallowed, and Kami if I didn't feel tempted right then and now, the old woman's lesson plans be damned, I wanted to have some nookie!

 

“It is a curious thing how the mating urge in human beings has evolved to create a higher need in us that transcends mere physical satisfaction to include a social and emotional component,” she continued unabated, “We have a basic need for companionship yet can only forge close ties with those to whom we feel a certain closeness. Compatibility isn't always the most important factor, sometimes it is simply basic chemistry: we meet someone special and we feel a certain click that tells us that we were meant to be together. Often, however, we can be fooled into believing that this transitory sensation is a permanent phenomenon, but love-at-first-sight is often the most fragile kind of love. The ties that we forge through adversity and hardship, however, tend to be a lot more lasting.”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” I said, hardly paying her any attention as my need for my loved ones was becoming unbearably intense, especially since I could see Shampoo positioning herself on top of Ranma in such a way that I knew the redhead would explode at any minute.

 

“Often the thing that attracts us the most is personal appearance,” she went on as if I hadn't even spoken, “We size someone up for physical characteristics that most appeal to us whether it is a strong and masculine face or sensitive eyes and a kindly expression. A cute butt never hurts, I always say, nor does it count against them if they have a youthful, rosy appearance about the cheeks and pouting lips that beg to be kissed. A nice back is certainly a plus in most encounters, and then there is the contour of the legs, which ought to be free of sag and cellulose. Health is the thing that we most desire to see in a loved one, a sense that they could help us to produce viable offspring being important to the survival of the species.”

 

“Eh…say what?” I asked, having lost the train of that particular bit of conversation.

 

“When it comes to physical beauty the elements we find the most desirable are the symmetrical balance of facial features and overall structure,” she explained, “This is a universal quality not bound to any one society or culture. That is because we are hard-wired to seek out an idealized form, even if we learn in later years to discount superficial qualities and to emphasize less easily definable characteristics conforming to a given preference. The attraction felt by a man and a woman for one another can be a powerful incentive for bending the rules in search of the most desirable combination…”

 

“But sometimes it can go awry, huh Teach?” I hastened to point out, thinking of Mousse and his one-sided obsession over Shampoo, or Akane and her tendency to drive both Ryoga and Ukyo to distraction.

 

“That does tend to happen a lot with baseline infatuation,” she summarily noted, “What you see in another that appeals most to you might not be valued in kind by the designated object of your intentions. It is best to wait and find out if the longing you bear is reciprocated by the other party, a waiting clause that often confuses us and needlessly complicates the complex social dynamic of courtship. In animals the process is greatly simplified…the male—or female in certain cases—makes his-or-her intentions known to the other party and then waits to see if his or her advances are accepted or rejected. With human beings the approach is often tempered with a great deal of caution. You may not like what you are getting when you take the time to get to know more about your would-be suitor.”

 

“In other words you could get a real creep instead of a Prince Charming,” I duly pointed out, thinking immediately again of Kuno.

 

“True,” she replied, “Or you could find out that your first impression of someone was based upon an error. Surely when you first met your husband you did not immediately think that he would come to mean as much to you as he does today?”

 

I watched as Ranma-chan—tired of being on the passive receiving end of Shampoo's mischief—decided to turn the tables on our mutual wife by going on the offensive, straddling her and causing Shampoo to submit to the redhead's aggressive change in tactics. At once it dawned on me that I had always been fascinated on some level with Ranma's inherent dual nature, and while the idea that he could switch sexes took some getting used to, I can't imagine him now without the ability to “switch hit.” I know Ranma still regrets his curse and wishes he could be a “whole man” for us full time, but I don't think I'd want him to be “normal” now even if I had the power to change him.

 

“All right,” I conceded, “You got me there. I never would have guessed a thing like that if you had bet me the dojo.”

 

“And there you are,” Lotion smiled, “Time has helped you to decide that you would make a very good match, but with others the process of filtering your choices down to only a small handful of the likely candidates you meet is a frustrating and exhausting process that often produces horrendous errors and can often result in disastrous consequences…”

 

“Like if Ranma got engaged to Akane?” I asked, wondering what had prompted me to think of that again all of a sudden.

 

“Perhaps,” my mentor said cautiously, “Mind you, unlikely combinations do sometimes work out, but only if the parties involved are prepared to make sacrifices and adjustments to accommodate one another. Given time even blood enemies might grow used to one another, and often in history the act of marriage was not really so much a romantic process but more a partnering of convenience arranged by others to suit needs both social and economic.”

 

I winced again at this, remembering that my initial engagement to Ranma had been just such an arrangement.

 

“Okay,” I sighed, not wanting to mire myself in the tawdry emotional issues that were raised whenever I thought long and hard on THAT particular subject, “So marriage hasn't always been about choice, but we have choices now and we've decided that we want to get married.” Automatically I clenched my left hand and felt the engagement ring that I'd only just received the other day from Ranma. My mother's engagement ring, which rests proudly on my hand these days like a proclamation of intention, proof to me that Ranma and me are a VERY desirable and viable combination.

 

The short, intensely passionate scream that Shampoo uttered right then was like music to my ears, and I smiled as I considered how much our lives were enriched by having her included in the package.

 

“I am pleased that you agree with me on this, Apprentice,” Lotion also smiled, albeit for more enigmatic intentions, “It proves my point that men and women have a way of filtering out those undesirable qualities that they might discover in a potential mate in the hopes of finding a more viable candidate who has the right characteristics. Women mostly seek the stability of a relationship while men are somewhat more promiscuous by nature, yet even this generalization is hardly a universal since some women can be just as promiscuous as any man, and the vast majority of men do seek a life-mate with whom to partner and set up home and hearth together. The basic equation is that men seek to enter the fortress that is our loins and deposit their treasure, which does not always involve waiting around to see if anything hatches.”

 

“Cute,” I said as I thought about her analogy, then came up with one of my own, “But what if the fortress is tightly guarded and designed to keep the guy out? What if there are traps, snares and pitfalls designed to keep the guy at a distance…?”

 

“Such as you used to exercise to protect your own heart from potential siege?” she shrewdly rejoined.

 

“Uh…yeah,” I reluctantly agreed, remembering just how defensive I used to be about letting people get to know too much about me. Then something else occurred and I said, “Sensei…what…um…what if, well…it didn't work out so well between me and Ranma? What if daddy had made a mistake engaging me to the son of his best friend? What if he'd been some horrible pervert, like a junior grade Happosai? Or what if I…wasn't quite what he wanted in a wife? I mean…I could have been horribly scarred in a childhood accident, or maybe—like you said—I could have been born hideously deformed or even…ugly…?”

 

“What is ugliness but the lack of balance and proper proportion to the features of a loved one?” she asked by way of reply, “Physical beauty may be a desirable quality in a mate, but it is hardly a universal absolute. After all, your husband is basically a decent sort who might have come to value you for what you are inside rather than what you look like on the surface. Surely you came to value the person he was in spite of his curse, and can you honestly say that you would have rejected him solely on the basis of the fact that he turns into a beautiful young woman?”

 

“Um…I might have,” I squirmed a bit as I thought back to the day of our meeting, “I was…kind of freaked out at first, but once I got over the initial shock, um…I…”

 

“Started to see the possibilities?” she smiled again, “Then you are like Shampoo in that respect, for she, too, foresaw the potential of a three-way relationship only after taking the time to get to know you better as a person.”

 

I filed that away for later digestion, fascinated to know more about what had led Shampoo into making such a momentous and consequential decision.

 

Satisfied that I had gotten one point, my mentor decided to steer back towards the point that I had raised, “As I was saying, personal appearance is not the only qualifying factor, and one is never advised to judge a scroll by the color of the ribbon you use to bind it. You might indeed have been born with plain or average features, or then again there are many scarring and disfiguring rashes that might have destroyed the smooth texture of your peach-smooth skin, or a host of other lesser agents might have afflicted you and would work to detract from what an outstanding individual you are, and what a worthy mate you could be, more than capable of carrying on the species.”

 

“Um…right,” I squirmed, once again confronted by the issue of motherhood, which seems to come up a lot these days in our conversations.

 

“When I mentioned before the importance of health and viability to mate as being desirable characteristics I was in no way implying that this was the only reason for people to marry,” she continued, “Exceptions to rule do exist, of course, not the least of which elements that imply affluence and means in a given party. You could run into a fat, balding man and value him for the size of his wallet more than his girth, but often even that does not matter as you may bond with him in other ways and disregard those elements which you might otherwise find less than fully attractive.”

 

“Er…what's this got to do with anything?” I asked, rather uncertain about the train of her logic, which was wandering all over the place and tunneling through mountains of new thought at seeming random.

 

“The point is that human beings seek companionship in order to fulfill a basic need to connect with another that is inherent in the species,” she concluded, “It hardly matters what elements you come to value most in a partner…the degree to which you feel attracted has as much to do with how those elements affect you in a positive manner. A strong mate can mean strong offspring, or it could mean that elements within your own character will be counterbalanced and made whole through the combination. Often it just means you get to spend your time with someone who makes you feel special, and children need not even fit into the package.”

 

“Um…how does that fit in with your theory about the survival of the species?” I wondered, now sufficiently intrigued that I was able to tear my eyes away from the nice show being put on by my iinazuke.

 

“Quite simple, really,” she replied, “Lesbianism and bisexuality exist because they help perpetuate the species, allowing females of our species to get along and behave as social animals rather than tearing our hair out in mindless jealousy and suspicion. Male homosexuality, by contrast, also serves as a means of tempering the growth rate of the general population. In nearly all mammalian species there are a few individuals who choose not to breed, thus allowing the others a greater chance of finding mates and passing on their own inheritance. When a population becomes too dense and there is intense competition for resources it is necessary for the growth rate to be so tempered. Besides, homosexuality is a kind of benevolent narcissism that serves to counterbalance the raging appetites of strictly heterosexual individuals, who might otherwise breed us all into extinction.”

 

“That's a funny way of putting it,” I said, “Are you suggesting that the reason I feel the way I do when I'm around Ranma-chan and Shampoo…?”

 

“Is because you are temperamentally flexible and can readily accommodate the presence of another woman in your marriage unit,” Lotion noted, “You love them both because there is no competition between you to see which of you is loved the best by the other. You are secure in that love, you thrive upon it and it is now at the very center of your being. You trust them both and care for them deeply, and they each affect you in ways that are different and yet no less intense, and you compliment each other on a personal level, which is why the three of you are a stronger combination than any pair of you alone would amount to. Do you see now what I am saying?”

 

“That the reason I fell in love with them both is because I felt such a union was…viable?” I asked, and then I answered my own question, “Because the feelings we share are unique and yet equal. I love them and they love me back in equal measure.”

 

“Which makes you a very fortunate combination,” my mentor smiled in sage conclusion, “Now, out of all the random possibilities that are out there, what are the odds which you would give that could describe such a unique outcome?”

 

“You got me on that,” I chuckled lightly, understanding at once how much I had come to appreciate the curious position I had stumbled into through the kindness of the fates. I really am a lucky woman to have two people I care so much for who also care for me in a similar manner. I can't say we won't have our share of ups and downs in the near future (Kami knows we've had enough of that in the past) but I've no doubt at all that we'll stick together through thick and thin because I trust them deep down to never truly betray me. (And if they ever did…well, we all stray now and then, but I've made it plain to both of my fiancées that there WILL be consequences…)

 

“So tell me then,” Lotion said with another flash of that mercurial wit that often drives me to distraction, “If such an unlikely event as this were to come about through seeming randomness, what then does this tell you about the universe and its basic structure?”

 

“That nothing is ever as entirely random as it seems,” I said with a clarity that even I found quite surprising, “That we have choice and free will, and that our actions always have consequences, and if we know how to choose correctly we can affect an outcome on so-called random probabilities that works to our advantage.”

 

“Bravo,” she bowed to me, “You are indeed learning.”

 

Another thought occurred to me right then and there and I said, “The universe is intelligent, but groping in the darkness. It seeks to promote the growth of intelligence in various life forms so that it might one day evolve a species who are capable of understanding it…and human beings…”

 

“Are merely the latest stage in that overall evolution,” Lotion informed me with a nod of understanding, “There have been others before us…so many others that were evolutionary dead ends, that reached to heights unimaginable only to fall again through their own inherent shortcomings. Nature can be incredibly wasteful as it tries and fails and tries again to get it right. Sometimes it needs a nudge now and then to steer the course of Nature on a balanced path towards self-enlightenment and illumination. Love is the key to a higher understanding that transcends the limits of simple biology, and you are indeed a link in the longer chain that brings all of life itself full circle. Now do you begin to comprehend what it truly means to be a Lore Master?”

 

“Because we are the stewards and the wardens of intelligence,” I answered, “We help to shape the destiny of the race by sensing the currents that flow through us and guiding them through our perceptions.”

 

“If you understand that much then my work is truly beginning to take root within you,” she said in the most flattering tones that I've ever heard my mentor utter, “But still you have a long way to go before you are the sort of guardian warden who can take my place as my successor.”

 

I had to chuckle at that, “I don't think I could ever fill your shoes, Sensei…”

 

“Nonsense,” she replied, “You are at least several sizes larger than I was when I was your age, but then again, you are using the metric system these days instead of ancient Chinese shoe counting methods…”

 

I was still in the process of coming up with a witty riposte to that when my danger senses suddenly flared to full life, causing me to turn my head and stare at the water where my two favorite sex partners were still going at it. I caught sight of a rippling in the surface of the river, then started to shout out as my sense of impending peril took over, “RANMA—SHAMPOO—LOOK OUT!”

 

It is a testament to their battle hardened reflexes that I still can count them as my future wife and husband. The creature that lunged from the water to attack them was probably counting on the element of surprise to win it an easy double-snack, only to miss its target completely as Shampoo and Ranma sprang to life and vaulted out of the water with an alacrity that would have surprised anyone less familiar with their daredevil heroics.

 

Which is a good thing, because the creature that had tried to claim them was the UGLIEST beastie that I have ever before set eyes upon. I don't even know what class of dinosaur it was supposed to represent, much less species; I just remember these teeth that that projected from the end of a long snout snapping down at where my loved ones had been cuddling only mere seconds before its appearance. The rest of it was as large as a bus and moved sinuously through the water with flippers instead of feet and a tail that was more like a giant web than a set of hind fins.

 

Somebody familiar with these critters would have probably been able to place it at once, but since I'm not exactly Dr. Doolittle I just know that I'll be glad if I never see anything as hideous as it for the rest of my natural life. (And never mind those tingling feelings I'm getting telling me “fat chance” of that being the case in my future) What I do remember was starting to lunge forward as the creature tried to take another bite out of where Ranma and Shampoo subsequently wound up, which was dangling from a pair of high branches that they had snagged from an overhanging tree. I mean, they were just hanging there like a pair of naked bulbs within near-reach of the stinking creature with barely enough reach to go snapping at their feet as they yelped and tried to avoid it, risking snapping their respective branches, the baka.

 

Lotion's staff prevented me from doing something reckless (and most likely suicidal), then she hissed at me, “No, Tendo-san! Do not attract the monster's attention lest you put your airen in even greater danger!”

 

“I don't care!” I yelled in what has to be one of the stupidest things I have ever said in the middle of a crisis, “I've got to reach them!”

 

“THINK!” she snarled the world at me with the force of a slap, and so surprised was I to hear that tone that I actually turned to look at her instead of attempt to force my way past the obstacle she was presenting, “You don't have the skill as yet to take such a monster on by yourself! But there are other ways in which you could attack it!”

 

It took me all of a moment to realize just what she was telling me, and then I reacted instinctively without thought or hesitation.

 

Under normal circumstances I would never even think of taking my Mentor's staff away from her, but right then and there I was as mad as a proverbial wet hen and was seeing blood more than logic to my actions, so I snatched it out of her hand and immediately lunged forward, drawing back on my earliest training as a martial artist when my mother taught me about the spear and javelin, and so I launched her staff like I'd been taught by my Momma aiming it straight at the creature and what I sensed to be its nearest weak spot along the side of its head. I didn't even think about what might well have happened next as I saw the pointy end of the staff hit the creature dead-on at the base of one of its temples, causing it to give out the more horrendous cry and topple over at the edge of the river, either stunned or dead but of no more immediate danger to our side.

 

I think that I have never seen Lotion so surprised by anything before that moment, but how she might have missed the possibility that I would act with the only weapon that was near to hand is…well, pretty much beyond me. I can't claim credit for anything so massively complicated as a plan to my actions, it was simply gut-level instinctive behavior, seeing an opportunity and exploiting it in the space of an instant, and man was I ever surprised to see it work out in quite that effective a manner. I also surprised the heck out of Shampoo and Ranma, who both came down from the trees to examine my handiwork then turned identical looks of pure astonishment my way, which makes a pretty mild reflection to how I was feeling at that peculiar moment in knowing I had just saved them, which is kind of the reverse of the normal situation.

 

To cover up for my surprisingly impulsive behavior as we approached the motionless beast, I turned to Lotion and said, “Is that what you had in mind for me, Teach?”

 

“Um…not exactly,” Lotion replied in what had to be the most uncertain tone that I had ever heard her use around me, “I can't fault you for creativity. But…in the future, would mind using your own staff?”

 

“Sure thing,” I said as Ranma paused to examine where the stick was imbedded in the side of the creature's head, then with a wince she pulled it free and examined the gory end with a wince to which I felt enormously sympathetic.

 

“Ew!” she said, “Disgusting…almost as bad as this thing smells out of the water. Here's your stick back, Old Lady, hope it didn't get too messed up and all that.”

 

“Indeed, young War Master,” Lotion replied as she accepted her staff back, pausing to examine the gory end before thrusting it into the edge of the water, “I shall need to perform a purification ceremony to cleanse this of the stain it has incurred for taking a life, then I will pray for what passes for this creature's soul that it go on to the great cycle of life that exists upon this island.”

 

Shampoo finished her own quick inspection by turning to me and at once embracing me in a hug, declaring, “Hiyaa, Nabiki! You great warrior come save us, Shampoo very proud of this one's airen.”

 

“Heh, yeah, no sweat,” I said while reacting to the hug by my naked wife with a renewed surge of hormonal approval, and without consciously thinking about it I copped a feel for her sweet butt by hugging her back and squeezing her ass cheeks, which Shampoo responded to with affectionate approval.

 

“You sure did a number on him,” Ranma-chan smiled smugly at us, “But better he wind up on the endangered species list and not us.”

 

All of a sudden another low growl drew our attention away from anything more interesting that might have followed in the next few moments, reminding us that we were not back home in Nerima and that the likely chance of encountering another such beast had tripled with its demise. In effect we might as well have rung a dinner bell and told them to come and get it.

 

Lotion said it all as my Mentor turned to us and said, “I suggest we run…very, very fast.”

 

“Good idea,” I agreed at once, reluctantly surrendering my grip upon Shampoo as she—just as reluctantly—did likewise.

 

“Aiyaa…but where is clothing?” Shampoo asked belatedly while glancing around in search of her ruined outfit.

 

That was when the creature making the rather hungry noises appeared at the edge of the forest and rendered the question of personal belongings academic.

 

“Who cares?” Ranma asked in a burst of practicality as she shoved Shampoo and me forward, “Let's get moving!”

 

And so began yet another spontaneous adrenaline-filled chase on what was turning out to be one of the most action-packed adventure cruises that it has ever been my misfortune to undertake, but how was I to know what was waiting in store for me in the course of the next several hours? That's the problem with these spontaneous adventure thingies…they never give you time to adjust before someone has to add to the program, and wouldn't you know that going from the literal “fire” to the cookpot was exactly where I was heading…?

 

 

Continued

 

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