Ai No Kusabi Fan Fiction ❯ Falling Into the Darkness ❯ Tourniquet ( Chapter 11 )

Tourniquet…

Riki, you can't just leave me and go back in there with that Blondie! I risked so much trying to get him out of the way, and the plan was almost a total success, even if it didn't turn out exactly as I envisioned. Iason Mink is immobilized; Dana Bahn is in flames. There is no way he can escape…you're finally free of his hold on you. We can be together once again.

Knowing that you are no longer under his yoke, you *still* return to his side? You just gave me over to the one who managed your time when you weren't giving yourself over as a Pet. How could you do that? Do you wish me to live with the same fate?

I cannot stand the pity in your eyes. I can stand even less the hatred I see in Katze's. Unfortunately, I understand his look. It is much like the one I gave your precious Blondie when I told him why I planned to eliminate his threat permanently.

The thing is, however, I think Katze and I are much the same. We both make our livings just outside convention; yet each job is tacitly sanctioned by our individual Societies. We both would have given all our being for the men we loved. Make no mistake, Riki, Katze would have seen you alone in Dana Bahn right now in order to regain Iason just as I wish Iason was alone in the flames now. Yes, Riki, I think Katze and I are not so different after all.

What I do not understand is that the man is carefully wrapping my wounds. Through his clenched teeth, he tells me he will return me to Ceres where I belong. I can tell he doesn't wish to do so, and I ask him why. Why, when he could so easily take his revenge out on me, would he release me?

He says that Iason cared so deeply for you that he was willing to risk all to save me in order to keep you happy. If he was to kill me now, that sacrifice would have been in vain. He has dared me to die from my blood loss. I think, despite the fuzziness in my head, I shall not undertake the challenge.

Your nobility in going back into the inferno shows me the appreciation you extend to the Blondie for saving me. I will not easily forget any of this, even if my injuries would allow such a thing. My soul cries for its deliverance, yet I will go on because you wished it so.

Don't get me wrong, Riki. My love for you transcends my existence. I would have done anything to keep you by my side. I gave up my sanity for you. You gave your *life* for him. I, too, want to die, and if I have my way, I will do so soon. Will you be waiting in the beyond, or am I destined to be eternally alone?

I didn't realize I spoke aloud, but hearing Katze's bitter laugh, I know that I had not been silent. He asks incredulously if I honestly think that anyone could care as much as that after what I did. I hang my head because I cannot truthfully answer him. While I would like to say you would be there for me, I know what I did is unforgivable.

I will go back to Ceres. My physical wounds will eventually heal, but I think I shall never heal the wound to my soul. Your love was all that was important to me. You should be with me now… How could I have miscalculated so badly?

Everything I did was done so that you and I could be together. I loved you and would have accepted any of your terms to have had you return to me. I thought you felt the same, my love, truly I did. Why else would you have allowed me to maim you as I did in order to help secure your freedom? After all that, your return to Iason astounded me more than I can ever say.

So yes, I will return to Ceres…to a life without my rightful pairing partner. I will have this space where my arm lies broken beyond repair to remind me daily what I had been willing to do for your love. Even so, you'll never be there for me. If, one day, I shall accept another into my life, I shall always be reminded of our time together and what might have been if I had been successful tonight. I will never be able to give myself as completely to another man as I did for you. If nothing else exists in my life, this one truth remains. I only hope that he, at least, will be able to forgive me for loving you more. I hope you can one day forgive me for loving you too much.

I pray that eventually, I can forgive myself as well. However, until the time comes when I, too, am released from my corporeal bonds and face you once again to beg you to allow me to be at peace in your arms, I shall not. My love for you is still too great. To do otherwise dishonors you even more than anything else I have ever done, and I cannot accept myself without your love in return.

Please know this, I beg you. I loved you as best I could, and I will continue to love you until long after Tanagura ceases to be. Someday our spirits will cross paths again, and I pray yours will recognize the love I will still bear for you. Otherwise, I willingly remain adrift in the void that my memory has become. You returned to him, but I will always be yours…my love…my Riki.