Angel Sanctuary Fan Fiction ❯ The Bible ❯ Taboo - Part II ( Chapter 5 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

TABOO

Part II

By Jia Zhang

How I died…the dying part is forever a mystery to me. I remember very little from that instant when the pressure of this truth…of what I was, became too much for my soul, and heart and mind, to take that I ended my life in a breath. My soul drifted away like the carefree wings of a bird in a moment's notice. I had lasted for so long, against the heaviness of this burden that my parents had kept from me for all these years, and in an instant I ended it all—a simple cookie cutter, it's edge so thing and small, but sharp none the less. It drew a line across my wrist, and a pattern of red danced against the white of my arm.

And twin red ribbons were wrapped so perfectly around my wrists.

I started to feel delirious, lost on some euphoric drug that was protecting me from all the pain I had endured. The last image I remember most clearly was the white tiles of the bathroom floor slowly turning into a hideous colour of red. My eyes began to feel heavy, and I felt like I was falling into some amnesiac sleep, all of me just drifting away from this physical word. I remember looking out the open window to the stars…and the darkness of this universe, it pulled me with it's gravity, and I was beckoned into the shadows.

I drifted endlessly within a void of nothingness. What was happening to the world of the living, where my parents were, I did not know, nor did I care, as I floated within that sea of infamy. It was so comforting, that void. I had felt so much for so long…so much pain, so much anguish, so much heartache.

I left the world cursing it.

I left the world despising my parents.

I left the world hating my own skin.

And at that moment, I loved nothing more than this bittersweet nothingness.

I fell asleep in a place that I could barely remember. My mind became adrift in all of my memories in that bleak moment of darkness—I watched those memories, running like an endless film of black and white, grainy, the sound poor, but carrying that dark message which haunts me to this day.

The book.

The words.

The knowledge.

I was a child of incest.

I fell into that bliss of a dream, where nothing that had existed in my life was real. And I drifted asleep, feeling nothing…that moment savd what little sanity and hope I had left, and wrapped around me ribbons of false promises, and it was the carriage that took me to a world, a place, a person…that would change my life for all time.

When I came to, my head hurt and my wrists burned with pain. My eyes felt as if I were a newborn, just opening them. And my eyes, my golden sinful eyes, opened to a world that was completely unfamiliar to me. When I came to, my body lied upon the dirty ground—I pushed myself up, ignoring the spasms of pain that ran through my arms.

When I got up and surveyed my surroundings, the world that I was met with was not at all what I was expecting. I was in a forest—if you call it a forest. The trees were twisted as if they were made from some metamorphic nightmares, and vines hung amidst them forebodingly, seemingly reaching out and trying to grab you, and trip you. And the sky was of a bitterness that was not black or white…but somewhere in between. The ground beneath me was hard and cold, completely made of rock or bone. And as I stared forward into the horizon, I saw nothing but an endlessness.

I looked to my slashed hands, the wrists tied with a red ribbon. What do I do now, I had asked myself. Was I dead…? Was this some perverse dream from the depths of my mind? Where was I? So with no other choice, I began to wander in my forbidden sanctuary of death.

So I wandered, through this wasteland. I felt as if I was trapped in some twisted tale by the Brothers Grimm. Except, there was no prince to rescue the lost princess, and she had chosen to touch that pointed spindle and fall back into her lost dream. I stumbled across a place that was like an improper mix between a swamp and a forest. This place smelled of death.

And then…I saw something incredible…

Wandering not far from me were people…People…just like me. Except they wore robes of white, and as I looked to myself…I wore robes of blood red.

If I was dead…then I was forsaken from wherever those people were going. They were ghosts, spirits, trapped in between this place of Limbo—as was my soul. So I ignored them, and continued this meaningless wandering. My bare feet burned against the ground, and the wind hissed against me, as if I were intruding in a place that I should never have found. But I had found it—this meaningless desert—for my soul had not died in peace.

I don't know how long I was trapped in this forgotten Limbo of souls. Minutes…hours…days…months…years? Time, I learned, in this place it meant nothing—merely a whisper of something so foolish and forgotten…such a human concept. But this journey had taken me far from the place where I had first awoken into this bizarre world. And as I shifted past the nightmare trees and vines that held my mind, I came upon water—and a tree.

It was such a bizarre tree. It was twisted in such a peculiar shape—it's branches stretched out like arms, and it's roots twisted into the water as if it were afraid it'd be ripped out by some other power. And I gazed curiously at this twisted tree, the nightmarish fantasy of storytellers. It fascinated me.

Suddenly, I heard the rustling of something amidst the darkness of that foreboding forest. I twisted around as this creature of nightmares emerged from behind me. Its body seemed to be made from vines, and it smelled like rot. And upon it's face was a monotonous mask, and slowly it came towards me—I felt what it wanted: my blood, my body, my soul, my flesh…

I was going die. This time not by my will. And on instinct, on pure instinct, I screamed.

In a flash of blinding light, the twisted creature shattered into nothingness, and as I slowly opened my eyes, I saw something that will forever stay in my memory—I saw pure perfection.

He was tall, his hair the colour of the pitch black night, and his wings…they were the colour of coal, and outstretched so beautiful. But his eyes…his eyes were what captured me—deep pools that told a story as dark as my own. Slowly, he glided down from the sky to stand before me in all his glory. And before me stood this dark winged Angel.

He gazed at me curiously, and I gazed back. That is when it clicked in my head that what my obscured eyes were seeing was completely ludicrous. This was some delirious nightmare, and I was Alice, trapped in a dark little Wonderland, with Mad Hatters, Cards that painted the roses red with blood, with a Queen of Hearts that had no heart at all.

As I stared upon this dark winged Angel, I spoke, completely unaware of myself, “I must be losing my mind.”

Suddenly, his lips cracked into a smile, and he laughed softly—it sounded like a sad, sad lover's song.

“I assure you,” he spoke, his voice rich and smooth like velvet, “you are not losing your mind. What is a child like you doing in this part of Hades?”

I blinked at him stupidly, first feeling insulted at being called a child, then the words Hades resonated inside my head like some dreadful morning bell.

“Did you say…Hades?”

That was it; it was confirmed now…I had lost my mind.

I must have fainted, for when I came to once more, I was not at that lake by that bizarre and twisted tree. I was in a room, quite spacious and comfortable, upon a large white bed. I was certainly not home, in my room—my bed was never this large. However, as I gazed, I saw once again that sky, that in between sky of neither black nor white. I was still in Limbo.

No…Hades…

I really was dead.

However, my common sense refused to give in, apparently channeling my own stubbornness. As I touched a hand to my head, I mumbled once again, “I've lost it. I really have lost my mind…Where am I?”

“You're in Uriel-sama's home!”

I turned at the sound of the sudden voice, and the door the room opened. In step a girl, very young, around my age, her hair curly and dark, and her eyes were pitch black. That's when I noticed the resemblance…she looked so utterly like my mother. I suddenly felt a crushing pain inside me—my mother, my father…my life. Everything was robbed from me all because of what I was…

A child of incest.

I felt sick again.

I turned back to the dark haired girl who so resembled my mother. She gave me a perky little smile, as if she had no cares in the world at all. “Uriel-sama…?” I muttered unconsciously in confusion and question.

“Yes! It was Uriel-sama that brought onee-chan here. You fainted when you first saw Uriel-sama, and he couldn't just leave you there, so he brought you to our home!”

“Uriel…” I mumbled his name upon my lips, suddenly remembering the dark winged Angel that had save me. I felt wistful…as if I had met this man before. It was bizarre, that his name seemed so familiar, like an old pair of shoes that fit just right.

“And what's your name, onee-chan?”

“Me…My name…” I suddenly stopped. What was my name? I remember my parents, and their faces…and their names were…Mudou…Mudou Setsuna and Mudou Sara… “I don't…remember clearly…but I guess you could call me Mudou. I don't remember my first name, though…”

I looked down at the bed sheets. It was queer—how could I possibly not remember my own name? I had started to forget things that were once so familiar in my physical life—Auntie Connie, who baked the most delicious cookies, the view from my window out into the ocean, the image of my mother and father walking along the water, smiling and laughing…the way my life used to be. I began to forget it all. But, maybe that was what happened to people after they die, they begin to forget their physical life…maybe to lessen the pain of life…

The dark haired girl stared at me curiously as I stared down at the sheets, lost in my own thoughts—attempting to recall anything from my life…but there was one thing that stood out most in my mind…why I died, and what I was. Those two things refused to leave me to the comfort of my mind. They continued to plague me, even as I passed into the other world.

“So I guess I'll call you Mudou-chan!”

“What?” I looked up, snapping back into reality.

The girl smiled and laughed. She looked so much like my beautiful mother…I wanted to cry…

“So is that okay then, can I call you Mudou-chan?”

I blinked, rather dumbfounded by her optimism. “Sure…I guess…”

“Okay then!” She beamed happily and walked over to my bedside. “My name is Doll!”

She had such a peculiar name that I was almost taken back. “Your name is Doll?”

“Uh-huh! Uriel-sama made me, and he gave me my name, so I'm Doll-chan!” She smiled so brightly…so much like my mother…that I just couldn't help but smile back at this girl.

“It's a cute name…”

“Oh…you're awake.”

I turned at the sound of the velvety voice; I turned to see a figure standing at the door. He was clad in a deep black, and his ebony hair flowed down his shoulders…and his eyes, they drew me to him. If it weren't for the fact that I was in such a peculiar situation, I would have blushed.

“You must be…Uriel…”

“Uriel-sama!” Doll ran over to the Angel and embraced him tightly. “She just woke up!”

Uriel gave a small smile. “I'm glad to see you're awake. It was very bizarre to see a child wandering around Ygdrassil. You were asking to be attacked…”

“I didn't know…I just…arrived here…” I looked down. Bitter memories began to swim back to me of why I was here, what I was…my parents, my home…everything I had knew. But that darkness…that bitter knowledge of what I was clinged to the crevices of my mind. I was a child of incest. A child of Sin, doomed for as long as my soul exists.

I couldn't control the dams anymore. I began to cry.

“No, no! What's wrong, Mudou-chan? Why are you crying?”

I was crying, so I didn't notice Uriel's eyes narrow. “Mudou…”

“Am I dead? Am I dead? And if I were, why am I here? This isn't Hell…this isn't supposed to be where I belonged.” I felt the dams break, and the flood came. I cried, and I cried, no longer able to contain this suffering any longer. “Why aren't I in Hell?”

“Because Hell doesn't exist anymore…”

Suddenly, I stopped crying and looked up at Uriel. His face was quite serious as he gazed down at me. As I stared at his eyes, I knew that he spoke the truth. Yet still, I asked, “What do you mean…Hell doesn't exist anymore?”

“It was destroyed…Lucifer's body was what kept Hell…alive…and now that he is dead, it is nothing but barren wastelands of sand and dust, just like before Lucifer revolted against God.”

I placed my head in my hands and I began to laugh. “This is ridicules! There isn't a Hell anymore? That's…that's not possible! Then what about Heaven? And the souls of the damned and sinful?”

“They wander in Limbo…as you must have seen…And Heaven still exists, the government having been changed and renewed, but it certainly is not like the paradise you mortals dream of…” Uriel spoke softly as he approached the bed, gently sitting on it. “Why would you say…that you belonged in Hell? What could a child like you possibly have done for you to think that?”

I laughed bitterly. “I am a living creation of sin.” I smiled a bittersweet smile as I looked down at the bed sheets, hugging my knees to my chest. “I am a child of sin…”

Uriel looked at me sadly. “You really shouldn't have saved me,” I spoke. “I should have been devoured by that…thing…”

“You said…you're name was Mudou. By any chance, are you the child of Setsuna and Sara?”

The utter shock and overwhelming surprise must have dulled whatever pain I had felt. I stopped crying suddenly and turned to stare at Uriel in dumbfounded astonishment. “How…how did you know that? Do you know my parents?”

“Yes…I do know your parents…”

“Then you must know what I am…” I gave him a bitter smile before turning my eyes away from him. “What I am…”

“Yes…” he whispered so quietly that it was as if he barely spoke the words at all.

He knew what I was…he knew who my parents are…Who was this man? This black winged Angel?

But the truth was that those thoughts were the last thing on my mind. Any frivolous and pointless questions were gone—I had no more questions that needed to be answered. In a moment of delusion and agony, where my soul began to shatter into pieces under the pressing weight of this bitter secret, I cried out for something to save me from my private damnation. I had done the unthinkable—I took my own life, expecting myself to fall into the abysmal caverns of Hell. But now…here am I, stuck in Limbo, unknowing as to what the future would bring me, awaiting once again with my cruel fate as my only comfort.

I detest this all so much.

I detest what I learned…I hate what I was…and even though my broken soul can hold no more…I felt such a bitter anger towards my parents. Yet still, I adored them, even after all the pain and anger I felt, I adore my parents.

My mother and her gentle grace and wisdom…and my father and his brashness and steady confidence…

At such a young age I had learned that the world was an absolutely cruel teacher, and everything in life was unforgiving and cold. I learned at such a young age the bitter truths of a world that had been in a deep hibernation from any true hope or salvation.

We were in an Iron Age of rusty steel and copper.

“You should rest…” spoke Uriel so very gently. “I know…you have been through much…So I want you to rest…”

I would've disagreed and argued if I were my normal self, but none of my past reflections existed in this realm of neither Heaven nor Hell. So I abided by this man's wishes. I laid down on that soft comforted bed, under the watchful eye of this dark winged Angel and this girl with such a resemblance to my mother…and for the first time in years, I fell asleep without the burden of tears, I fell asleep without the burden of the world…and for the first time in years, I finally slept a dreamless sleep.

to be continued

Author's Note: Okay, Taboo is turning out to be much longer than I had anticipated. Maybe because I have so much so say about this whole thing, and I find this tale of Setsuna and Sara's child to be very interesting to explore and write. This is one of the few times where I write in first person, so it has been much more different for me, and I am enjoying this ability to express my own thoughts. I am very happy with this small group of people who have been reading Taboo, because it is one of my better works.

I would especially like to thank Eternal Musing for continuing to read The Bible. ((smiles)) So I dedicate Taboo to her. (By the way, in accord with your question, I am Chinese.)

I am hoping to finish off Taboo in the next chapter, but I don't know yet. “Mudou-chan's” journey in her afterlife is extremely important, especially as that she is an outsider towards her parents' relationship, and she doesn't know what Setsuna and Sara went through. Mudou-chan's struggle is not only with herself, but against the world as well. I hope everyone will continue to read Taboo, as well as others in the series The Bible. If you have any questions or opinion, feel free to contact me.

Domo.

Jia Zhang