A/N: I don't know what to say. Um...I like writing angsty things better than romance. This is angst...kinda. I made myself depressed writing this so...yeah.
Um...This is written for Poochy-chan and Ushi-chan who help me out a lot in my fics. Also for Sakura-chan, you guys are the best. Ever generous, ever forgiving. Thanks you guys.
To Snusnug-chan, hope this makes you happy. You asked for it, after all.
To Lemonkitty, SilverDeathscythe, Nyako, Sailor_Gaia, Anita, anony mous and anacondra17 who sent me links to some amazing sites. You guys'll get more fics devoted to you 'cause you deserve it!
WARNINGS: Yaoi (m/m relationships if you didn't know), self mutilation and the like.
DISCLAIMER: If I owned it, would I be putting this up here?!? I'd be making it into a program!
Crimson Emotions
I can remember how this all started. I know who to blame. I loved him since I first set eyes on him, even though I knew it was wrong. If my grandfather ever found out I would be cast from the family, fortunately he still has no clue. I can still see the look on his face, the absolute disgust, as he saw two men, lovers, walking hand in hand down the street. He had taken my to buy some new parts for my Beyblade, I was only five. He shouted abusive words at the two, words which a five year old should never have to hear, especially from their own grandfather. I didn't understand most of them back then, I do now. My grandfather, the homophobic.
Strange, really, that I should be cursed with such a thing. I had always been brought up to believe that same-sex relationships were a sin, but I guess emotions override common sense. No matter how hard I tried I could not be attracted to women, not even to hide my shame from grandfather. Fortunately, he's not very quick to catch on to such matters.
I find my mind wandering back to the cause of my distress.
Rei
I always hoped that maybe he felt the same way about me, but that was not to be. After months of Mariah's constant badgering, he agreed to go out with her. After she had left that night, he told me privately that it was only to shut her up and that he would get rid of her soon. He's been with her ever since. She's making him happy in a way I could never hope to achieve. She's so open and loving, not at all like me. I'm just the 'ice man', cold and callous. I was always told that emotions were a weakness and that the only way to stay strong was to surpress them, hide them from the outside world where opponents could and would use them to their advantage.
No matter how hard I try I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. Even my Beyblading skills have deteriorated. I'm becoming careless. They just think I'm sick right now, a cold or something, but that wont last forever. Sooner of later they'll figure out that something is wrong and that could be my undoing. Much as I didn't want to join the Blade Breakers to begin with, I knew I had no choice. They're all good Beybladers and it was a case of join or lose my title as the number one Beyblader in the world.
My thoughts again go back to Rei. I can think of nothing but the way his hair cascades down his back when it is untied, the way his eyes sparkle when he laughs, his perfect skin and the way a small dimple forms in his left cheek when he smiles. Gods, I want him so much. I feel so empty, he will never be mine. He's not…like me.
The images produced in my head start the cycle over again. First comes sadness, then anger, followed by depression and, finally, self hate. I remember the long knife I keep under my pillow, its silver blade sharp, waiting. I pull it out and hold it in front of me. I can do nothing but stare at it, it looks so inviting. The edge glints in the sunlight that it streaming in through my window. I'm glad we decided to stay in a top-quality hotel, it meant that we had separate rooms so I could do what I wanted without fear of being disturbed.
Laying the knife down beside me on the bed, I check that my door is locked and begin to undress. As I do so hundreds of criss-cross lines are revealed. My chest, stomach and legs are covered in them, permanent marks. The scars make me angry, I'm so weak. Rei would never do anything like this, none of the others would. A single tear trickles down my cheek and falls to the floor. I wipe away the wet track it left behind and continue with my ritual.
My clothes fall in a pile on the floor and I kick them away from me, not wanting them to get dirty as that would be a way for the others to find out. Next I grab some towels from the bathroom, already stained from previous sessions. Laying them over the bed and floor around me, I sit upon them and reach for the knife. It has all become so routine.
I poise the knife above my chest, holding it so tightly that my knuckles go white. The internal pain is bad this time, I need to relieve it somehow. I draw the blade slowly across my stomach, just above my naval. It bites into my flesh and I have to bite my lip to keep from crying out. I watch as the crimson liquid seeps from my latest wound and runs down my body. The warm liquid flows slowly over my revealed manhood before soaking into the towels beneath me.
Normally the pain and suffering seeps out of me along with the lost blood, but not today. The pain in my heart remains as strong as the pain in my stomach. I slash at my chest, deeper this time, watching the second stream of blood mingle with the first. Still there is no release. I begin to go frantic, cutting myself again and again, going deeper each time. It doesn't help. My body is covered in jagged marks, I don't care any more. I begin to stab at my arms, the one place that remained flawless. I had not dared to cut there before as I always wear clothes without sleeves. I gain nothing, just more pain.
I turn my attention away from my arms, realising that it is not working anymore. The only place on my body that has managed to avoid being mutilated so far is my manhood. I stare at it in hatred, the cause of all my problems has escaped unscathed, but not for long. I know that the pain will be unbearable even before I make the first incision. I cut along my generously sized shaft, crying silently in agony, but still I don't stop.
My balls are next, shallow cuts soon cover both and I feel that I will pass out any minute. I managed to hold on to consciousness, I have to finish this. It's what I deserve. The knife shakes in my hand as I have trouble trying to hold on to it. It falls, point down, and lands in my leg, buried deep. I really do cry out this time, the pain is so great. No one hears me, no one comes. A single word escapes my lips in a hushed whisper, I can manage nothing else.
"Rei.."
The room around me goes hazy as I slip into a world of darkness and emptiness and nothingness.
