Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Always There ❯ Always There ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hitsugaya TÅshirÅ stood outside the door for a long few moments, unsure if he was truly committed to this. Each time he went to go see Hinamori, it was like he was visiting a different person. Sometimes she still treated him as a child, others she would yell at him for murdering Aizen. Sometimes she would remember and act as if she'd forgiven him, other times she would remember and condemn him. He wanted nothing more than to be supportive but it was hard to see her in such a condition. Or rather, such a wide range of conditions.

Anyone passing by might have found it odd that the tenth squad Taichou was just standing in front of a door, his icy teal eyes looking down at the small indentation used to slide it open. With a long sigh, he slipped his fingers and in slid the door open. The room was dark, the rain outside hitting the roof in a soothing patter. There was another sound below that, one that was harder to pick out.

“Hinamori?” He asked softly, staying outside the threshold. He was hesitant to just walk into her room. He never knew how she would respond to such a thing. Most of the time, if she didn't know who it was coming in, she would ask if it was Aizen.

Momo looked up quickly. She hadn't even noticed the sharp ray of light that spilled into the room. She had her head buried against her sleeves. “TÅshirÅ-chan?” She asked, a small hiccup in her voice. She'd been crying, the rain bringing about the sadness in her.

Relieved that she'd recognized him, he stepped in and slowly slid the door closed behind him. “Are you okay, Hinamori?” He asked, approaching her slowly. “Are you crying?” The tone of worry she heard in his voice made her want to start crying all over again.

“No.” She said quickly, brushing at her cheeks with the course fabric of her kimono, making them even more raw.

“Why are you sitting in the dark?” He asked her gently, sinking slowly down to the floor in front of her. Her black hair fell forward, hiding her face from him. The faint light of the hidden moon had been just enough to see that she was lying to him. Gently, he hooked his fingers under her chin and raised her head.

“Why are you crying, Hinamori?” He asked her softly.

The look that she saw in his eyes, the raw worry and fear for her made her own eyes blurry with tears. She could feel her throat burn with the strain of trying to hold them back, her chest aching with the need to let it out. When he released her chin and slid his arms around her, she couldn't stop it any longer.

Throwing herself onto his lap and into his arms, she buried her face against his shoulder and sobbed. Her hands bunched in the white haori he wore, further muffling her crying. It had been a long time since anyone dared come near her to comfort her while she cried. She had earned that rightfully, snapping at anyone who tried to help her. Now they didn't bother.

Slightly surprised by her actions, he held her tight and just sat with her in his arms. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and closed his eyes. He willed her to feel the comfort and warmth that he offered to her. He wanted to heal her, all of her hurts and worries. To return to the person he knew that she could be once again.

“I don't like who I am anymore.” She cried, sniffling slightly. “No one will come near me!” She yelled, her hands tightening, pulling the haori tighter across his shoulders. “I don't know where I am when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I don't recognize people. ShirÅ-chan..I want to die.” She sobbed. She was tense in his arms, so unbelievably hurt that it radiated off of her.

“No you don't!” He said quickly, making her hiccup in surprise. “I don't ever want to hear you say that again, Momo.” He said sternly. “You can get through this. There are people who love you and want to help you if you'd only let us.” He told her, sliding a hand over her hair, wanting her to relax. She did so, slightly, listening to him. “You were hurt, in every sense of the word. No one can blame you for being confused and withdrawn. But you have to remember that not everyone will do that to you. We want to help you.”

“What if I can't? What if I'll never get better.” She asked, truly scared of that outcome.

“You will. You're strong, Hinamori. You survived the attack in the first place. You're still breathing. You can survive the emotional wounds as well. It just takes time. You can't expect everything to return to normal overnight. You need to except that it's going to take time. Let us help and you'll get through this.” He urged her, hugging her tight against him.

He could feel her hands loosen, releasing his haori from her white knuckled grip. She nodded softly against his shoulder, her tears stopped for now. He slowly released her from his embrace, but felt her stiffen and snuggle into him more. His arms returned, holding her tight.

“Do you want me to stay?” He asked softly, his voice soft, close to her ear.

She nodded quickly. “Until I fall asleep?” She asked hopefully.

He knew that there was still much to be done at the tenth squad headquarters before he could retire for the night. But, he was needed far more here. Matsumoto would, however reluctantly, take care of a good deal of it before he returned. She was usually good about those sort of things when she knew he was going to see Hinamori.

“Of course.” He whispered against her hair. She relaxed considerably, shifting to make herself more comfortable. Was she really that afraid that everyone would leave her?

It didn't take her long to fall asleep, though he sat there for a while after, lost in his own thoughts. He didn't know how to help Hinamori, no one seemed to. Even Unohana was at a loss as to how to help the fukutaichou.

Standing slowly, with Hinamori in his arms, he laid her down on the raised futon carefully. She was in a dead sleep, probably worn from all of the crying she had done. Slipping off the haori that marked him as a Taichou, he laid it over the blankets he'd covered her with, hoping it would add a little extra comfort. Hopefully it would remind her, when she woke, that she wasn't alone in her battles.

“Taichoooooou.” Matsumoto groaned, falling dramatically across his desk when he came in. She was sitting behind it, hopefully finishing the paperwork. “There's sooo much to doooo!” She whined dramatically, looking up at him through her long lashes as she lay, fluttering them.

Normally he might have been annoyed with her tactics. Tonight, he was just troubled. He knew that as soon as she saw that there was more to him then his usual reserved self, she would sober up. Truth was, he was lucky to have such a supportive fukutaichou.

“I think Hinamori might be thinking about hurting herself.” He said, raising his eyes to her. She sat up abruptly, doing just as he'd known she would. Immediately, she looked worried, focused on him alone. Her head cocked slightly and she blinked several times, as she always did when she was concentrating.

“Do you really think she would do such thing?” She asked, clearly worried herself.

“Most of the time...no. Tonight she was in the present though. She understood what was going on. When she is coherent like that...yes, I think she would do such a thing.”

“Taichou..” She said softly, frowning. “Is there anything I can do to help? We can arrange to have someone stay with her at all times. Unohana will want to know about this.”

He nodded slowly. “Yes, I've already told her. She's already been keeping a close eye on Hinamori, I don't know if there is much else she can do. I think all that we can do is continue to watch her closely and help her heal as best we can. Keep reminding her that she isn't alone. That people are there for her if she needs them. That's why I left her my haori, so that she has something tangible to hold on to and remind her of that fact.”

Walking toward the desk, he waved at her briefly to get her to vacate his seat. Instead, she stood and shoved against his shoulder. Then, she waved him off with both hands, as if shooing off a fly. “Go home Taichou!” She fairly yelled at him. He had to back up quickly or have his toes stepped on. She pushed him like that all the way to the door. “I'll take care of the paperwork!” She said sweetly, before sliding the door closed in his face with a loud CLAP!

Leaning against the door, she waited until she heard his retreating footsteps before she let out a sigh and pushed off to walk back to the desk. She already knew that there was little she could do to help lift the heavy burden that rested on her Taichou's tiny shoulders. Even if this was all she could do for him, give him one nights rest, then she would gladly do so without hesitation. She only wished that she could do more.

TÅshirÅ was sitting at his desk when the fourth squad messenger came to see him. Matsumoto was nowhere to be found, most likely sleeping off the previous night. True to her word, she'd finished all of the paperwork and then some. There was nothing on his desk, which had been organized, much to his dismay. Now he wouldn't know where anything was. He wouldn't say anything to her though, her intentions had been pure. Just for doing all of the paperwork, he owed her at least that much.

“Hitsugaya Taichou.” The man greeted, bowing deeply. “Hinamori fukutaichou has requested to see you. Retsu Taichou has approved the meeting.” He didn't bother to stay and see if TÅshirÅ would go, he'd already delivered his message.

After finishing the few things that Matsumoto had not been able to do herself, he headed over to the fourth squad's infirmary. This was an improvement, her requesting to see him. Hopefully this would be an indication of things to come. Hopefully Momo was on the path to recovery and soon she would be her normal self.

Today when he knocked, he stepped right in, eager to see how she was doing. She was sitting in the chair by the window, his Taichou's haori folded up neatly in her lap. Her hair was done up in the usual style, a perfectly round bun covered in light blue cloth, tied up with a darker blue ribbon. She turned to face him, her eyes lowered, hiding her expressions from him.

“Is this supposed to remind me?” She asked quietly. When she raised her eyes to him, they were dark, menacing even. Immediately, he knew something was wrong. With Hinamori, whatever it was would be a mystery until she came right out and said it.

“Yes. Momo, you aren't alone. You have support.” He said, hoping already to head off a tantrum.

“Support me?” She asked, growling out the words. “Is your idea of support throwing this in my face?” She asked, standing and holding out the haori between to fingers, the garment unfolding. She held it as if it was dirty, as far out as she could hold it with the least contact to her skin that she could manage without dropping it. “Reminding me what I've lost?”

She then too the haori in both hands, gripping the fabric tightly in her fists. “Reminding me that my Taichou left me with nothing but things like this?” She asked, pulling the garment taut, threatening to rip.

“Hinamori, that was not my intention at all. I only wanted to comfort you. I wanted you to remember that I'm there for you.” He said, his voice low and comforting. If only he could do it as well as Unohana. He should have seen this coming. He should have thought through all of the possible ways she could take his gift, most of which he was quickly realizing, were bad.

He would be leaving for the living world soon, to connect with the substitute Shinigami, Ichigo along with his fukutacihou and two from the eleventh squad. He would have to have his head on the assignment and he had been hoping to leave Momo on a high note. It didn't appear that she was going to let it.

“No! I'm tired of everyone coming to `see how I'm doing', `see how I'm holding up'! No one is here for me! The one person I should trust most just left! Tried to kill me! No one is here for me!” She yelled. He could hear the fabric begin to rip, the seams coming loose.

“Hinamori, that's not true. Aizen is a traitor, he always has been. He was never there for you.” The tone of his voice was hard, wanting her to see the truth so desperately. “You have friends who are willing to help you through this. I'm willing to help you do this.” He told her. “But you have to trust us and let us in. You keep pushing me away when all I want to do is help you.”

“I keep pushing you away, but you never stay away!” The haori was ripped in two and she threw it at him. “Why don't you just leave! I don't want to see you again! Go away!” The last was yelled so loudly, people down the hall were stopping and looking toward her room.

“I hope you don't mean that.”

She glared at him for a few moments, the air in the room chilling. Turning her back on him, she sat back down in the chair.

TÅshirÅ didn't even wait for her to change her mind. If she ever did, it would not be for a while. Not until her mood turned around again. Leaving the destroyed haori on the floor, he left. There was nothing he could do to help her at the moment. If he tried to force the issue, then he might make this fleeting feeling of wanting him out of her life, permanent.

Speaking with Unohana briefly, updating her on Hinamori's mood, he could see the concern in her eyes. She was just as worried for the girl. It was a rare moment in time when Unohana didn't know the proper course of action. Disheartened and discouraged, TÅshirÅ returned to his own squads headquarters, moving through the rest of the day with only half his mind on his work. Not even Mastsumoto knew what to say to help cheer him up. Instead, the office was eerily silent as both kept to themselves and their work.

It was several months before TÅshirÅ was able to see Hinamori again. The battle with the arrancar was now in full swing. The Thirteen Court Guard Squads were going to need every Shinigami that they could. Including Momo. Although TÅshirÅ had checked in on Momo though Retsu, he hadn't gone to actually see her himself. Part of him was worried that she still wished him to stay away. Many urged him to go see her, assuring him that her view must have changed, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

The hate he had seen in her eyes, the pure disdain in her voice had torn at him, more than any sword could have. He didn't know if he could stand seeing that in her again. He missed the childhood friend who used to tease him, make fun of him. He was trying to remind himself that all things changed, people changed. But it wasn't that easy. He didn't like this change at all. If only things had been different. If only he'd recognized the deception before Momo had been hurt. Maybe things might have been different if he'd been a better Taichou.

Today TÅshirÅ sat at his desk, absently going through the papers that were stacked in front of him. His mind was wandering though, making it impossible to focus on the work at hand. He was so preoccupied that he didn't hear the knocking at his door. It went on for several minutes, until the door inched open.

“ShirÅ-chan?” Came the quiet voice. Yet, just hearing who it was brought him out of his daze. “Can I...come in?” She asked tentatively, fear written on her delicate features. She looked better than she had when he'd last visited. She was back to wearing her fukutaichou's uniform, her hair in the cloth covered bun.

Standing up quickly, TÅshirÅ nodded and walked over to meet her. She slipped in and closed the door behind her. She was holding something to her chest, a Taichou's haori by the look of it. She smiled nervously, looking up at him.

“I missed you.” She offered gently, almost as a truce.

“I thought you didn't want to see me again?”

“I'm sorry for saying that. I really am. I didn't mean it.” She said quickly, looking down at the haori she hugged so tightly to her chest.

Moving closer to her, he laid his hands on her shoulders. Gently, one hand moved to tilt her chin up.

“I was just angry and confused.” She told him, tears gathering in her eyes. “I was so scared. I was afraid that you would leave me to. I guess I figured it would be easier to drive you away, then suffer the pain of you leaving me.”

“Momo, I would never leave you.” He promised. He's always given her that promise.

“ I know. I want to give this back to you.” She said quickly, as if just remembering. She held the garment up, folded up neatly.

Picking it up by the shoulders, TÅshirÅ let it unfold in front of him. It was his haori, the one that he'd left for her. The long rip down the back had been stitched back up, by hand it looked like. His eyes moved up to her again, raising a brow in question.

“I know you can't wear it anymore. The rip went right through your squad symbol. But...the least I could do was fix it and return it to you. It was my hope that if I could fix your haori...maybe I could fix our relationship.”

TÅshirÅ slid the haori around her shoulders, then pulled her close to him. He could feel her hands rest against his chest as she moved into his embrace. He rested his head against hers and sighed.

“Momo, there's nothing wrong with our relationship. It doesn't need fixing. I'm just glad you're back to yourself. I missed you too.” He told her, squeezing her gently against him.

He felt her hands tighten, fisting around his clothes as she buried her face against his shoulder. “I was so horrible to you.” She said, her voice breaking. “How can you forgive me? I said such horrible things, I blatantly threw your kindness back in your face. I all but spat on you.”

“Stop right there.” He told her sternly. “I know you didn't mean any of it. You were going through a hard time and you needed to vent. I'm more than willing to take it if it means that you wouldn't be self destructing and hurting yourself. Momo, you mean more to me than a you can imagine. A few hurtful words aren't going to drive me away forever.” He told her gently. It felt odd to be so open with her, to actually have her in his arms. Odd, but comforting.

She was about to point out that it had been more than a -few- hurtful that she'd thrown at him. Instead, she stayed quiet. She realized that, while he didn't say it in so many words, -nothing- would make him stay away forever. At first she'd been mad that he hadn't come to see her after their last fight. She'd wanted him to call her bluff. It wasn't until Retsu Taichou told her how regularly TÅshirÅ checked in with her that she saw that he had called her bluff, but didn't want to disappoint her.

Some part of him had believed her. Believed that she really did want to drive him away. Perhaps that was why he'd never gone to see her personally, just checked up on her progress. And yet, here she stood, wrapped up in his arms.

“I've seen the fukutaichou of the third and ninth squads. The way they've taken over the leadership roles. The way they act like Taichou for their squads. I want to do that to. I've come to realize that I have sabotaged my squad more than....” She stopped a moment, felt his arms tighten comfortingly around her. “More than he ever did. I left them with no one to look up to. That's going to change. I know that I'm late, but I'm going to lead my squad. When the arrancar make their stand, I'm going to be there with the fifth squad. I'm going to stand beside you and the other Taichou.” She said sternly, sure of herself. She was going to make this happen. It was the only way to prove herself.

“And we'll all be there beside you.” He promised. She looked up at him and smiled, her eyes still sparkling with tears. “I'll be there beside you.”

Flinging her arms around his neck, she kissed him soundly on the lips, much to his surprise. He blinked at her a few times, the shock showing on his face. She smiled up at him, the wide carefree smile he remembered from their childhood. “Thank you, ShirÅ-chan!” She said, hugging him tight. She kissed him again, then pulled away, slipping her arms through the haori to pull it on properly.

“I'll talk to you later,” She paused and put on a stern look, the one she imitated of him when she was trying to tease him. “Hitsugaya Taichou!” With her bright smile and bubbly laughter, she opened the door and marched out.

With a relieved sigh, TÅshirÅ sat back on the couch and just looked at the door for a few moments. He brought his hands up to his lips and smiled slightly.

“All she needed was time.” Came the happy voice of his fukutaichou. Turning quickly on the couch, he rested one arm over the back to watch her come in from the balcony.

“How long have you been out there?” He asked, glaring at her.

Coming down to sit next to him, she was grinning from ear to ear. “Since I passed out there last night after drinking with the boys.” She said with a wink, that had absolutely no relevance to the conversation. Then, she nudged him in the arm with her elbow. “You got kissed.” She grinned, waggling her eyebrows at him. “Good for you, Taichou!” She squealed happily.

“Matsmumoto...” He growled in warning.

“Oh, don't worry, Taichou. I won't tell anyone. I promise.” She said, crossing over her heart with the tip of her finger. “I wouldn't want to make her mad at -me-.” She said, grimacing slightly.

“I don't think that will happen. I think those days are over.” He said, a bit absently, looking at the door again.

“The Momo you know and love is back, eh?” She asked, hoping she would get him to admit it.

“Yeah...looks like she is.” He agreed, looking up at his bubbly fukutaichou.

Standing outside the door, Momo smiled. She'd heard Mastsumoto's comment and couldn't help but eavesdrop a little.

“You love her!” She heard the woman tease, her voice slightly muffled by the thick wood door. “You love her, love her!”

Barely able to hold back her own giggle, something that would most certainly give her away, she headed off. The last thing she heard from the office of Hitsugaya was his growled warning, spoken only in the form of Mastumoto's name. Naturally, it didn't work.

Returning to her own private quarters for the first time since Aizen had been “killed”, Momo could relax. Things were finally getting back to normal. She was back to normal and all was right with the world. There would be fights and hardships to endure in the future, probably the near future. But she had people who loved her, people who she could trust not to leave her. With them, everything would be fine.