Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Bleached Ships ❯ Bleached Ships ( Chapter 1 )

A/N: So this is my attempt at good humor because of all of the craziness that happened in the shipping arenas (particularly between IchiRuki and IchiHime shippers) over chapter 270.

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DISCLAIMER: Kubo Tite is the amazing creator of Bleach. I'm just using in characters to fulfill my own sick humor, and thanks to everyone on any Bleach-related forums, cuz a few of these crazy “ideas” are based off of what I remember members discussing. Also thanks to chapter 270, and THE greatest IchiHime moment of all time to date.

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WARNING: No flames. If you aren't immature enough to handle this fic, then go away please. It has suggested YAOI and YURI in it, so if that isn't your forte either, then go away please.

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RATING: I guess I'll have to make it R / M, just cuz there's some swearing in here, and some mildly crude humor, though I will refrain from using the F, B, and S words.

 

GRAMMAR: I re-read through this once but there could still be grammar mistakes, so I apologize.

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Bleached Ships

Lies, secrets, suspicions, and desperation clouded Hueco Mundo like none other.

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Ichigo was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to save Rukia and Orihime. Which one he wanted to save more was up for hot debate because both girls were hot in their own way, both girls had their flaws, and both had their admirers in the human world and Soul Society. If only Ulquiorra would get the (beep) out of his way, then he could be off saving both girls. Though which one he wanted to save more, he still did not know. Oh well. He'd just have to beat the crap out of Ulquiorra some more until his face expressions gave himself away. Since his every face expression could determine his every thought and who he was madly in love with, he'd have no problem knowing which one to save. So, his current agenda went like this: Fight. Face expression examination and determined results. Save the one chick that his face expressions declared his love for. To hell with other one.

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Orihime was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to see Ichigo. She wasn't banging on the door to be let out so she could run off to rescue Rukia. Screw the fact that Rukia was bleeding on the floor in some random location, near her death, having just been skewered like a shish kabob. Orihime didn't care so long as she got to see Ichigo again. Ichigo Kurosaki consumed her every waking thought and desires. Her Kurosaki-kun was amazing. He was coming to save her, even though she didn't want him to. He was beating up the bad guys for her sake. He was her everything, more so then any other person in her life. No one compared to Ichigo. Not her best friend Tatsuki, not near-death Rukia, not that nerdy never-going-to-get-Orihime-so-NAH-NAH Ishida, nor that Mexican guy…uh, what was his name again? Chud? Chid? Oh right, Chad. …Right? Orihime couldn't remember, because she didn't care, because not one of them was her Kurosaki-kun.

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Renji was desperate, very desperate, in fact, so save Rukia, but more importantly, to save his own ass. Literally. No one could take one look at the Octavo Espada Zaera-Polo Grantz and not see a homo. The guy had pink hair for God sakes. And he was giving Renji these hooded, suggestive looks. Damn that dying Rukia for being so cute and making him join up with her to help Ichigo save Orihime from Aizen's clutches!!! If Renji was forced to have sexual relations with an Arrancar, someone was going to die. Well, since Rukia was already on the verge of death, he might as well use her approaching death as an excuse to get the (beep) away from this guy!

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Ishida was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to keep running since he hadn't been seen or heard of in a while. No one knew that he superglued his glasses onto his face to make sure they stayed on in battle. No one could ever know. Thus, Uyruu Ishida kept on running.

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Chad was desperate, very desperate, in fact, that he was willing to bow down and worship the ground Noitora walked on with Tesla, so long as he got another smoke. That's right. Sado Yasutora, more commonly known as Chad, or rather C.H.A.D. (Crack House Addicted Devil), was not in mortal danger, nor was he injured in the slightest. It had all been a get up so Noitora could focus on Chad's real weakness. Crack. Oh, how they all loved smoking that (beep).

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Rukia was desperate, very desperate, in fact, because she was going to die all alone and bloody and miserable. Frankly, it sucked. There she was, minding her own business, and who comes along? Some fish tank freak of nature using her old pal and potential love interest's body for his sick games with her. Yeah, she did him in good all right. Too bad she hadn't made his death flashier, but desperate times call for desperate measures. She really did need to get to her (coughsecretlovecough) Orihime. Everyone thought that she should end up with Ichigo or Renji, but no, Orihime was her ship. Oh yeah.

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Ulquiorra was desperate, very desperate, in fact, because his ass was so going to get kicked by (OMGHE'SLIKEANARRANCARTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Ichigo Kurosaki. Well, he got his suspicions confirmed. Ichigo pretty much walked away from him when he said Rukia was dead, but when he mentioned that he kidnapped Orihime, Ichigo seemed to snap. God, how he loved drama and potential soap operas. He and Ichimaru were going to become the best of friends.

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Grimmjow Jaggerjack was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to find and destroy Ichigo Kurosaki before that irksome Ulquiorra got to finish him off first! Oh, and he was desperate to get away from Tosen. The guy lops off his arm and then seriously expects him to place his bet in a poll for him? Ha! Such a foolish notion. Now, all he had to do was find a way to destroy Ichigo. Maybe he could make out with that chick that healed his arm in front of him. That seemed like it would destroy him. Evil laugh. It mildly occurred to him that he should start questioning why his every waking thought seemed to be consumed by Ichigo…

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Noitora was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to prove once and for all that HE WAS THE STRONGEST ESPADA!!! Seriously, he was. He kicked kittens, pulled little girl's hair, and pushed old ladies into oncoming traffic. He was so badass. Why couldn't Aizen see that again?! Because Aizen was having too much fun watching Ichigo Kurosaki and his pathetic band of nakama try and rescue that hot piece of ass. So, here he was, forced to smoke his sorrows away with a hollow wannabe named Chad and a crazy obsessed fanboy named Tesla.

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Gin Ichimaru was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to make sure the kiddies got a happy ending. Sad endings in dramas and soap operas made Gin sob like a little girl, though no one but his secret lover Rangiku Matsumoto knew that. He was manipulating the hallways so that Ichigo could fight certain choice Espada and then have his facial expressions examined to see which girl he was going to save. He had his money on Orihime Inoue, but then again, that Rukia Kuchiki did have a little something extra that made him smile and be more obnoxious than usual.

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Kaname Tosen was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to get everyone's bets before time was up. Everyone was supposed to bet on which girl Ichigo was going to save first: Orihime or Rukia? So far the scores were exactly even. If only he could find that damned Grimmjow, then he could tip the scales in favor of one of the girls.

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Sosuke Aizen was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to find something to fan himself with, because after laughing so hard at everyone's plights how could anyone NOT laugh? He could use a good glass of water too. Man, he hadn't had this much fun since he faked his death and got to run around Soul Society butt naked without anyone noticing.

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Hollow Ichigo, or rather Shirosaki, as Zangetsu fondly called him, was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to become King. It was about time anyway. He could only take so much rain! When Rukia went away it was rain heavily, and then it was only drizzling a little until she came back from Soul Society, but after Orihime Inoue was captured, he was swamped by a hurricane! Did not Ichigo know how much this water was affecting his skin?! He was becoming a hollowed prune! Damn that Ichigo Kurosaki for defeating him!!! If only he were King, then he'd save that Inoue girl way faster then Ichigo could ever dream and then he'd declare…

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Kisuke Urahara was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to get back to his little “project”. It only happened to involve a certain cat person named Yoruichi, a bed, some chocolate, milk, and cookies, but no was ever to know that. Everyone else assumed he was working on helping Ichigo's three rejected friends or creating some new awesome device, but no. He and Yoruichi were trying for a whole litter of kittens. Now all they had to do was keep this a secret from Soifon.

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Soifon was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to find out why that Urahara and her Yoruichi were spending so much time together. It was getting…suspicious.

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Tatsuki was desperate, very desperate, in fact, to make sure her best friend Orihime was okay. It wasn't that she thought that Orihime was hurt, it was the fact that that Rukia girl was probably one of the people saving Orihime. Oh, she knew all about Rukia's little “secret”. She'd been around Chizuru long enough not to see the “signs”. Ugh, if anyone hurt or defiled her best friend she was going to have them for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. After that she was totally going to hook up with that hot friend of the bald dude that was staying with Keigo. Pretty boys were like, so in.

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“Let me out! Please, let me out! I have to find someone! Please! I hate this!” Orihime cried over and over again.

There was evil laughter and then suddenly Orihime heard Aizen's voice.

“Orihime Inoue, your friends have abandoned you and Ichigo Kurosaki has gone to save his precious Rukia.”

“W-what?” Orihime whispered, her voice breaking.

“That's right. Your friends don't need you anymore. But I do, Orihime. Join me and together we can—”

“Oh, shut the (beep) up Aizen. You're so annoying. I bet the only reason you have an “I-am-God” complex is because you were such a loser when you were little and you were picked on for your stupid hair and stupid glasses! That's why you felt the need to attempt to look cool by changing your hair and wardrobe! But this isn't even about you! It's about Ichigo! Ichigo's saving Rukia and not me! I can't believe it! After everything I did for that ungrateful son of a (beep)! That's it! If I can't have Ichigo, NO ONE CAN!!! Everything, I REJECT!”

A gigantic sunflower swallowed up the universe.

And since Orihime Inoue rejected everything, everything disappeared and nothing existed.

The end.