Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Books and Bandwagons ❯ Books and Bandwagons ( One-Shot )

Title: Books and Bandwagons

Author: blue­_crystal_9

Rating: PG

Pairings: General, I think? I am utterly shocked that for once I didn't write something `shippy.

Spoilers: None!­

Warnings: Uh, crack?

Summary: The Twilight books are unleashed onto soul society. Chaos and crack ensue.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Twilight, their respective owners do. I am not making any profit off of this, I am just having way to much fun violently mashing two unrelated fandoms together. *cackle*

Author's Notes: I've had this written since Christmas but I completely forgot about it until now. ;_; When I thought up the idea for this, and I had to write it. Especially since I am a Twilight fan as well as a Bleach fan; it was just too funny not to. It's pretty much utter crack, of course. ;) Oh, and there's probably OOC-ness. I don't think you need to be a Twilight fan to read it, either. The books are only referenced a little. I can't believe I'm posting this. *runs away*

 

 

 

Books and Bandwagons

 

_____________________________

 

It all started with a book.

 

Or rather, the devil book as the male shinigami liked to call it.

 

And just like a disease, it spread quickly and violently.

 

Let's rewind back a few weeks to clarify, shall we?

 

Two weeks earlier...

 

Hitsugaya walked into the dining hall for lunch and spotted Hinamori sitting at a table, reading. That wasn't anything unusual, as Hinamori loved to read.

 

“What are you reading?” Hitsugaya asked as he sat down in front of her.

 

Hinamori glanced up at him, “Twilight.” She showed him the cover.

 

“I've never heard of it.” He said.

 

“Neither had I, before Rukia gave it to me.” Hinamori replied.

 

“Rukia gave it to you?”

 

“Yeah, she got it in the real world.”

 

Ah, that explained it.

 

“She said it was really good, and as I'm in need of a good book to read, I borrowed it from her.”

 

“I see.” Hitsugaya took a bite of his lunch.

 

“It's about vampires!” Hinamori said excitedly.

 

O...kay then.

 

“Huh.” Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow. “I didn't think you were into that.”

 

“You make it sound like it's BDSM or something.”

 

Hitsugaya of course, choked on his food. “Hinamori!” He sputtered, gasping. Hinamori just giggled at him. “I meant that I didn't think you liked stories like that.”

 

“I usually don't, but Rukia got so excited over it that she won me over. Although I don't really know that much about it yet, I'm not very far into it.”

 

“Ah.” Hitsugaya said. “Well enjoy, I suppose.”

 

“Thanks!” Hinamori grinned.

 

Hitsugaya shook his head bemusedly at Hinamori's silliness and continued eating.

 

That was not the end of it. Far from the end of it. It was just the beginning.

 

_____________________________

 

 

Hitsugaya walked into the tenth division office two days later prepared to yell at Matsumoto for falling asleep on the couch, getting completely drunk and/or ignoring her paper work when he realized she was not doing any of these things.

 

She was reading.

 

He titled his head to read the cover, still completely shocked that she was doing something besides drinking sake.

 

The book she was holding was Twilight.

 

“Did Hinamori give you that?”

 

Matsumoto didn't answer.

 

“Matsumoto?”

 

No reply.

 

“Oi, Matsumoto.”

 

Nothing. Hitsugaya's eye twitched dangerously. It was bad enough that he was short, now he was being ignored?

 

“MATSUMOTO!” He bellowed

 

Matsumoto jumped, almost dropping the book in her fright. “Jeez taicho!” She wheezed, hand over her heart. “You didn't have to yell. You could have poked me or something.”

 

Hitsugaya growled lowly. “I called out to you three times, Matsumoto.”

 

“Sorry sir, but it's this book. It's just so enthralling. It's weird.” Matsumoto said fervently

 

“I think you're the one that's weird.” Hitsugaya said sarcastically, sitting down at his desk.

 

Matsumoto pouted, “Aw taicho, that's mean.”

 

“Whatever.” A minute later, “Put down that damn book and do your paperwork!”

 

_____________________________

 

 

By Friday of that week, Twilight had spread from Hinamori and Matsumoto to the vice captain of the Shinigami Women's Association. Their thought process was that if they gave it to her and she liked it, she would tell the other members of the Women's Association and they would read it. This way they would effectively be spreading the Twilight love.

 

“It's a fabulous book.” Matsumoto said and Hinamori nodded enthusiastically.

 

Nanao picked up the book, eyeing it sharply. “What's it about?”

 

“Well,” Matsumoto began. “There's this girl and she goes to a new school, and she falls in love with this

really hot guy who turns out to be a vampire-”

 

Nanao looked at her critically. “Vampire?”

 

“They're good vampires.” Hinamori and Matsumoto said together.

 

As if that explained everything.

 

“It's really good, trust me.” Matsumoto said assuredly.

 

Nanao eyed it for another moment. “Well, I'll give it a try. I'll read it before the next Shinigami Women's meeting and if I deem it acceptable, I'll recommend it to the others.”

 

“Great!” Matsumoto said enthusiastically.

 

A few days later, they met up again. Matsumoto and Hinamori looked at Nanao expectantly.

 

She pushed up her glasses. “It's acceptable. The author's enthralling writing makes up for the over-used and plot less storyline. Certainly not the best book I've ever read, but quite good over all.”

 

“So?” Hinamori asked.

 

“I'll run it by the others.”

 

“Yay!” Matsumoto cheered, high fiving Hinamori.

 

_____________________________

 

By Wednesday of the next week, almost every girl in soul society had either read Twilight, started reading Twilight, or was waiting for a copy. There were copies of it everywhere.

 

One wonders how they obtained extras of said book. Much like growth in soul society, this will never be explained and is left up to the reader's imagination, not to mention utter confusion and frustration.

 

The men of soul society were, of course, having a little bit of trouble grasping the concept of what exactly was going on.

 

“Edward's sooo dreamy!” One shinigami girl swooned at a table near the one several of the male Shinigami were sitting at.

 

“I just don't understand it.” Hisagi muttered to the others. “How can all of the girls be hung up on a fictional character?”

 

Matsumoto, who apparently had hearing like a bat, heard this and came over to their table. “Because Edward is wonderful. And the sexiest man ever.”

 

Hisagi, trying and failing to hide the hurt tone in his voice at not being called the sexiest man ever by Matsumoto said incredulously, “But he's a vampire.”

 

“Point.” Matsumoto said, rolling her eyes.

 

“That makes absolutely no sense.”

 

“Being a vampire, he is completely and utterly superior to any real male.” Matsumoto explained.

 

All the males at the table gaped at her in shock.

 

`Ha...bu... w-wha..” Hisagi stuttered pathetically.

 

Poor guy.

 

“But he's not even real. He's NOT REAL. He's a fictional, made up character. He's FAKE.” Hisagi finally managed to get out, while his friends laughed.

 

Big mistake.

 

Every female in the dining hall turned around and glared daggers at the boys.

 

It was so silent; you could have heard a pin drop.

 

And then they attacked.

 

From across the dining hall, the two highest seated members of the eleventh division watched the chaos.

 

“Yachiru?”

 

“Yeah Ken-chan?” Yachiru bounced excitedly.

 

“Promise me yer never gonna read that book.” Kenpachi said, eyeing the boy bashing warily.

 

The consequences if Yachiru jumped on the bandwagon would naturally be fatal.

 

“Oh, I'm not gonna read it, Ken-chan. I spend too much time killin' things to read a giant book.” Yachiru said cheerily.

 

“Good.” Kenpachi replied gruffly, secretly quite relieved.

 

_____________________________

 

 

Several of the men of soul society decided to have a meeting. A very important one. It was an emergency.

 

Lucky, the few male vice captains that had gotten attacked had managed to escape unscathed, baring a

few scratches and bruises. And now they were pissed.

 

“Okay, so the main character of this book is pasty, old and a walking corpse?” Hisagi said, ticking off each point on his fingers. “That is what all the girls are swooning over? We're being upstaged by that?”

 

“What are all the girls, necrophiliacs or somethin'?” Iba added grumpily. Hisagi nodded his head vigorously in agreement.

 

“Guys, it's not like we're alive or anything.” Kira said in cautiously. “It's not really a valid statement.”

 

Hisagi, Ikkaku and Iba all screamed simultaneously, “SHUT UP!”

 

Renji smacked him over the head, “Not helping, man!”

 

Kira sat back down and sulked.

 

“Has anyone here actually read it so that we can make some sense of why everyone's so obsessed?” Renji asked.

 

Ikkaku sighed grumpily before speaking, “Yumichika read it. He said `It was full of beautiful people!', so obviously he liked it.”

 

“Did you read it?” Iba asked, looking at Ikkaku over his sunglasses.

 

“...No.”

 

“Liar.” Iba smirked at him.

 

“Shut up, or I'll pound ya!” Ikkaku bellowed menacingly.

 

“Seriously Ikkaku, did you read it? We need to hear about it from a male's perspective.” Hisagi said.

 

Ikkaku made a face before answering, “Okay, I read it, but only because Yumichika kept badgering me and it was the only way to make him shut the hell up.”

 

“So, how was it?” Renji prompted.

 

“It was ...alright. The writing was weirdly addictive, like a drug or something. But the guy that they're all swooning over was nothing special. He was a freaking pansy; he didn't kill anyone throughout the entire book. The main character, who is a girl, was pathetically weak and kept blabbering on about how hot the guy was; it was disgusting. I still don't get why they're making such a fuss over it.”

 

“See?!” Hisagi exclaimed, flailing in his extreme irritation. Renji patted him on the back sympathetically, and after a few minutes he calmed down. “Alright guys, we need to figure out how to get rid of these books now. Because if not, we are totally screwed.” He gestured dramatically.

 

“But what do we do?” Renji asked. “The girls are going to cling to those things like leeches. We're going to have to actually fight them to get the books, `cause there's no way we're getting them otherwise.”

 

“I've got an idea.” Hisagi said, a maniacal glint in his eyes. “We get Yamamoto to ban it.”

 

“Dude, like Yamamoto would ever do that. He'd kick our asses from here to district eighty if we even tried.”

 

“Not if we tell him that it's keeping them from doing their work, distracting them, that sort of thing.” Hisagi said insistently. “We just need to put a lot of stress on the fact that it's a huge distraction.”

 

Iba scratched his head thoughtfully, “You know, that just might work.”

 

_____________________________

 

 

“... and sir, it's just a distraction that soul society really doesn't need right now.” Hisagi finished, the men behind him nodding in agreement.

 

Yamamoto eyed them warily for a long moment before saying, “Oh, very well. I see your point. I have noticed that the female population of soul society have been acting rather… strange lately. Later on today I'll make an announcement saying that all of these… Twilight books are hereby banned from the Gotei 13.” He sighed and mumbled, “The paperwork's going to be horrid, though.”

 

“Thank you, Yamamoto-taicho.” Hisagi, Renji, Iba, Ikkaku and Kira said together and bowed. As soon as they left his office and were out of his earshot, they all whooped and cheered.

 

“Finally, order will be restored to soul society.” Hisagi said, grinning. “And the ladies will be a-coming again.”

 

“To true, man.” Renji said, laughing. “Too true.”

 

The men didn't realize that there were three other books in the series.

 

And that those books brought forth a whole new horror: Jacob.

 

 

_____________________________

 

The End.

 

Author's Notes: Oh god, the utter crackness of this fic. *headdesk* I can't believe I actually wrote this, let alone posted it…

 

Well, anywho. I hope it mildly amused you, anyway. :3