Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Drinking Buddies ❯ Chapter 1

Shinji brought the shotglass up to eye level and inspected the liquid inside. “Nothing better on a cold night, eh?” Ichigo glared.

How he'd gotten roped into this, the deputy was unsure. But one minute he'd been about to kill Shinji—Ichigo shook his head—and now, now he was out drinking with him. The shinigami glared at the drink he'd ordered, not quite convinced that it was safe. He also wasn't sure Shinji should be drinking, for some strange reason. He told him so.

“That stuff's pretty strong. Are you sure you want that much?” the monster, in response, turned and surveyed the line of shots.

“Don't be preposterous, Kurosaki. Don't you know? Arrancar, Vizards, Soul Reapers…even Hollows. It's impossible—we can't get drunk.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Internet.” With that he tipped the glass to his lips and swallowed. “Mmmm.”

“Ugh, you actually like the taste?” Not exactly a drinker himself, Ichigo basically knew that he couldn't stand the taste of liquor.

“Oh yes,” Shinji replied. “Just like human blood…yum.” He swallowed his second, then his third, and then his fourth shot. And right on down the line…until…..

“See? I told you (hic), we all are all imperviousssh to liquor. Impervioussssssssh, I say…..” Another hiccup toppled Shinji from his barstool. As the monster's head bounced against the floor with a thud, Ichigo contemplated. He could pick the poor dummy up by his shirt collar, drag him back to Seireitei and deliver him for testing. Which would be the proper thing to do, and the way to best prove that the title of “Deputy” had been given him for good reason. But. If he went back to Seireitei now, when they were ramping up for a war, he might be opening a bigger can of worms than he could close. Decisions, Decisions. Ichigo glanced back at Shinji, The Amazing Inebriated Arrancar. He was going to have to do something, that was for sure. Suddenly, and idea struck. He'd just put ol' Shinji on the first plane back to Hueco Mundo—courtesy of Ulquiorra and Yammy, his bitter enemies but fortunately, Shinji's distant acquaintances, now conveniently residing in the local park. This decided, Ichigo stood and picked up his drinking “buddy” to walk over there when…

Stumble-crash-thud “ow!…”

Ichigo found himself on the floor in a heap. Surely he hadn't had too much to drink. He'd asked for iced tea, for the sake of Hel—er—Hueco Mundo. Though it'd tasted a bit off, if they got it all the way for Long Island maybe it was aged? Say, where was Long Island, anyway? Ichigo couldn't seem to remember as he stood, Shinji's arm around his shoulder, and stumbled toward the door. Surely Long Island was a long way away, if two of their iced teas could get one drunk. Stupid Yankees.

 

 

Meanwhile, in the park………

 

 

“I had a funny dream last night, Yammy.”

“Arrancar don't dream.”

“Funny it was, anyway. Want to hear about it?”

“Sure, sure, since you won't let me go to sleep. What did you dream about?”

“There were the pale Yankee people dancing around a fire-pit and detonating bombs…even their pups had the things! It was so loud…and then the older humans were in cardboard boxes filling in little arrows, and oh, how they moaned! It was so strange, but in a way it was funny because it was so absurd. Then in came a white elephant…”

“Ulquiorra.”

“Yes…?”

“We have company. The garbage is back.”

“That's nice—I was getting bored anyway.”

Indeed, here through the park came Ichigo, stumbling and swaying as if he'd had a lot too much to drink. Shinji was propped across his shoulders, stumbling even worse.

“Hi you two. Have you met Ichigo? In wash jusht telling hiiiim, that we're imperrrrvioush to liquor right, right? I said, I said `we are imper—” THUMP! Down went Shinji. And THUMP! Down went Ichigo. And TMP! TMP! TMP! Up came Isshin, who apologized and trundled off with his son. The silence was deafening. Then…

Laughter. You wouldn't believe it, but the two doubled over like humans. Yammy caused a 4.2 earthquake—thankfully, nobody but the crickets and the horses noticed, and also Genkai's rheumatism. Ulquiorra—well, when he saw the great deputy being dragged off by his father he began to chuckle. When he thought the situation over again, it got even funnier, and he began to chortle. And the more he thought about it, the funnier it got, until he roared and bellowed and guffawed and finally—died laughing. Well, almost. He tore loose a bunch of ribs and muscles and won't be well until the war has already started. Yammy suffered no ill effects, but it still leaves the enemy forces out one Vasto Lorde, who they really could have used. Ah, well.