Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ For The Love of a Friend ❯ No Lover, No Pride ( Chapter 13 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein. The characters in this story are not mine.

 

No Lover, No Pride

 

She stood in the meeting wishing she was anywhere else. The small nod from Captain Unohana reminded her of their recent conversation and when Toshiro arrived she felt a momentary fear. It was not possible that she was pregnant with his child. In all her plans for her life she had never included the possibility of becoming a mother. It would take up too much time. What did she know about children?

 

Her mind began to explore the possibilities and she tuned out the discussion. Would the child have white hair and dark eyes? Green eyes and dark hair? Was it a boy or a girl? Would it be short, or grow strong and tall? What would it be like to hold the scrap of a person that she had created? Her breath caught as she understood she was seriously considering keeping the child.

 

Quickly she focused on the meeting and the events that were unfolding. The 3rd seat from 11th Division seemed to be the focus and he was not looking very comfortable; sweat was pouring down his face and he squirmed under the stern regard of Yamamoto. When she caught up with the topic she had to prevent her exclamation of surprise. How could Kenpachi be so foolish? If his wife was the reason for the invasion, why would he remain outside the relative protection of the Seireitei? She watched with interest as Toshiro was forced to again take responsibility for the 11th Division Captain. She felt a slight touch of pity that his surrogate brother-in-law had already caused him a number of problems. As he agreed to lead the group to recover the couple she breathed a sigh of relief that she was not included.

 

It was a short time later that they returned. The scene that followed she found disturbing. At first it seemed to be a simple matter, but as the conversation went on the man, Kenpachi, became out of control and unreasonable. So much for all the assurance she had been given earlier about the love between these two newlyweds and the calming influence of the lieutenant. It was true that the situation was fraught with danger but underneath it all, she sensed something she recognised so well. Kenpachi was scared, terrified of losing his wife. He would never admit it, but his overdone reaction made it very clear to her.

 

Involuntarily, her gaze shifted to Toshiro. He was watching Rangiku and Kenpachi with sorrow, as if he was sad that their relationship was so troubled. She was reminded of the conversations she had earlier. Toshiro loved his lieutenant, as a friend. He had obviously reconciled to the idea that she was now married, but did not like the series of events that were unfolding.

 

When another captain insulted him about his failure to achieve bankai, it appeared that Captain Yamamoto suspected her because of the earlier altercation. It was only fair that she set the record straight. “I didn't say it,” she protested. “Why would I mention something of which we are all aware? It's pointless and childish behaviour and unworthy of a Captain or any Shinigami to draw attention to something of that nature.”

 

Unlike earlier, she wanted to soothe the situation; to try to dispel the fraught atmosphere and because the threat against the woman was real, unlike the threat against Momo, she offered to deploy some of her elite force to discreetly protect Lieutenant Rangiku. Even though Kenpachi rejected the offer, she would set up a discrete force. For another Shinigami to join the traitors, either willingly or unwillingly was not acceptable.

 

This situation made her ask the question she had avoided until now. “How would I feel if Yoruichi came back now? If she wanted to return to me? My life had changed so much since she left me. Would I want to be back in an unequal relationship where I feared her loss more than the loss of my own life? Do I still want her?”

 

While she watched the situation disintegrate further, she was transfixed by her realisation. She would always love Yoruichi, but it would be the love for something that was past and could never be recaptured. It Yoruichi returned to her their love would have to be different, and that would never be. One of the comments about Rangiku loving Ichimaru for too long now struck a chord within her. She had loved Yoruichi for too long, hopelessly and helplessly. It was time to accept reality, hard though that was.

 

Then the real storm began in the meeting. Soi had thought that the situation could not deteriorate any further but Captain Kurotsuchi, spoke, making the bad situation even worse.

 

At this point she lost interest in the proceedings. The naked anger, fear and desperation displayed by both Kenpachi and his bride did not seem to be noticed by the other. The two of them were obviously insane as they did not recognise the origin of their anger, the misplaced feeling of need. They were terrified of losing each other, so scared that they were ready to fight each other. She understood the desperation, the anger and the fear, because she had loved, she did love…

 

Her breath caught as she denied what she was on the verge of admitting. Instead she turned her attention to the couple. The pair were probably going to kill each other within the next few hours. They circled each other like predatory, lecherous animals. They would destroy each other or they would give into their need and fuck each other until they reached a new understanding. Soi thought it would probably be the latter. Even though their words were harsh and their expressions angry, their bodies curved hungrily toward each other.

 

The Captains had been correct about the love between these two, but had forgotten the problem with unresolved issues. The reappearance of Ichimaru, plus the toxin sown by Kurotsuchi would be hard to dispel.

 

While she watched her mind ticked over thinking about new matters that required her attention. Yoruichi was the past and she had to think of the present and the future. That father of the `imaginary' child she was carrying was in the room. Should she tell him of the new complication? Would he still marry Momo?

 

A certain amount of tension left the room with the lieutenant. Yamamoto kept them a little longer, reinforcing the need for them to remain alert and aware at all times, but it just filtered past Soi as she wondered. Captain Unohana had urged her to tell Toshiro that she was pregnant with his child. Her immediate rejection of the suggestion had been instinctive. If he found out her condition he'd probably want her to have the thing, but how would his wife react? Thoughts crowded her mind as she tried to approach the ideas again and again from different viewpoints. It was too much. The raw emotion she had seen, the unsettling day, made it imperative that she have time to think, alone, without interruption. The attempt to find the solitude in her office was a failure; she needed to find a place where no one would attempt to barge in. Her home was not an option. The only place was the one saturated with memories of her two lovers, and even possibly the place where she had conceived the child. That day they had fucked in a number of places, not just the linen room and she cursed silently. She had been a fool, thinking only of lust instead of possible repercussions.

 

Becoming aware of her surroundings she noticed that the meeting seemed to be over as the other Captain's were leaving. She waited until Toshiro had gone before she exited only to see him waiting outside. Tensing at the sight of him she felt she had to at least acknowledge him.

 

“Captain Hitsugaya,” she said curtly hoping he would not reply.

 

“Thank you, Captain Fong. That was a generous offer you made,” he said politely as he looked at the floor.

 

“It is only fair. Certain facts have come to my attention that encourage me believe I have misjudged Lieutenant Rangiku. Good day, Captain,” her voice cool, her demeanour unyielding, she tried to retain her poise. Their eyes met for a moment, brown gazed into green and in that instant she wanted to tell him about their child but fought the impulse. Dragging her eyes from his, she looked over his shoulder, keeping her face as blank as possible.

 

“Soi, it doesn't have to be like this,” Toshiro said quietly, his voice controlled and his expression unreadable. His words, his calm, reinforced her understanding that anything that anything he might have felt for her was now gone. He wanted to be friends and that thought made her teeth clench.

 

“Are you still planning on marrying Lieutenant Hinamori, Captain?” The question was asked as harshly as she could, intending to increase the distance between them as much as possible.

 

“I haven't asked her yet. I'm not sure…” His hesitation did not make her feel confident.

 

She cut him off, not wishing to admit to her fears. “Then we have nothing further to say to each other Captain Hitsugaya. Don't speak to me in future unless it is connected to an urgent matter that relates to our duties and responsibilities.” Gazing straight ahead, Soi walked away, glad that her voice and face had not betrayed her increased pulse rate and fear.

 

A quick visit to her Division to allocate the squad members to watch the lieutenant as promised also provided her with one item of information. Captain Unohana had scheduled the appointment as she had promised. Tomorrow she would know the truth.

 

With mixed emotions she went to the place where she had met with Toshiro and Yoruichi. Stripping off her coat which she flung onto the bed she filled a glass with water and sat at the table. Now it was imperative that she think.

 

The facts, as she knew them, were simple. She'd had a brief and passionate affair with Toshiro Hitsugaya to whom she's lost her virginity. When he returned from his mission he asked her advice about marrying Momo and that had caused her to end their relationship, except it hadn't. She'd continued to have sex with him because she liked it, craving the release he provided when he made her come; no other reason. After the last time it seemed highly likely that the relationship was as broken as she could make it. She admitted she had tried to make him walk out on her, scared of her reaction to him. Toshiro was dangerous.

 

Bleakly she considered her future. If she had the child, he might work out it was his. If she didn't……. if she didn't. Was the baby anything? An amalgamation of cells that did not even think. She hated the thought of her body becoming large and gravid as the child within her grew. It was a tie with a man she did not want.

 

Her hand rested on her belly, slowly stroking the flat surface. At present nothing showed. Her nipples had darkened, but who would notice? Inside her womb resided a child, a being created by Toshiro and her in an act of passion. The baby was not the result of an act of love, just good sex. She stated it firmly to herself once more. She did NOT love Toshiro. She loved no one, except for Yoruichi, and that love was now in the past.

 

A child. For a brief moment she wanted the child, not caring who the father was. A tear trickled down her cheek and surprised to feel the wetness, she touched the droplet of salty water, looking at it disconcerted.

 

“I don't want Toshiro to marry Momo. If he marries her will he be completely honourable in the marriage, will he? He will give her everything she wants, but does he love her? Is that why he wants to marry her? It must be the reason because when we made our pact, he told me he loved the girl. It didn't matter then. But if he loves her, why did he agree to have sex with me? Why did he want to continue the relationship to the extent of trying to blackmail me? Does he love Momo, but not desire her? Or is he being greedy? If I agreed would he keep fucking me when he's married to Momo? If that's the case then he's not honourable.”

 

Drinking the water, she dragged her thoughts back to the possible child. “I'll wait until I know for certain. Then I will decide. If Captain Unohana keeps her child…. I don't want to know the truth. I don't want to know if I am pregnant, or not. What I do want is to go back to that moment when Toshiro found me in his bed and we fucked and it was good; to that time before he asked me that stupid fucking question. That's what I want. That moment when all we had in common was a need to fuck each other without thinking of anything else. It's gotten so complicated. I didn't want to feel sympathy for Kenpachi's wife, nor him. I don't want to feel anything and I can't stop it. I don't want to see how much I'm missing by not having friends.”

 

As her thoughts writhed in ever tightening circles her head drooped and she leant her elbows on the table. A few more tears dripped onto the table as she fought against the thoughts, fought against everything she was thinking. There must be a resolution, there must be an answer to all this.

 

Caught up as she was in her thoughts the touch of hands on her body, reaching for her breast shocked her into action. She would kill whoever it was who had decided to trespass on her privacy and touch her. Drawing her zanpaku-to in one quick movement she turned to confront whoever it was, ready to slash the throat of the intruder. Quickly she realised Toshiro had dared to return. He managed to turn her attack away, but her thoughts had roused that deep underlying anger and fear that resided in her breast. If she killed him, he could not marry Momo and would never know that she was pregnant with his child. This seemed the best solution.

 

“Suzume-Bachi.” It was her verbal statement that she intended to kill him but he did not try to fight back. He only tried to prevent her harming him too much. The man refused to attack her properly so she could justify her attacks becoming more ferocious. She battled against his defence, her breath quickening.

 

“Can we stop?” he asked

 

“I want to hurt you. You deserve death Toshiro, for what you've done,” the words were ripped from her throat and she stopped short, scared that she nearly revealed what she had been thinking. She tried to stab him again.

 

“You started it. I only asked for you to guard Momo. I didn't expect any of this to happen,” he argued.

 

It was the fault of his thing that she was in this situation. She tried to stab it next.

 

“What the hell were you aiming for?” he shouted at her. “I'll go. This isn't worth dying over.”

 

“Yes it is,” her voice was short of a scream and she lunged at him again. He had to die, it was imperative that he die. “Goddamn you Toshiro! I hate you. I hate you and everything about you.” The words startled her. Even as she screamed the insult, she knew she was lying.

 

His reply was as vicious as her scream. “I hate you too. I can't stand being in the same room as you,” he stated moving to the left and out of the path of her blade.

 

The words struck her and she dropped her guard, panting from the fight. “You hate me? Then why did you come here?” She felt like crying. Hate was hard to fight against.

 

“Why did you come here?” The question was an accusation and she did not know how to reply.

 

“Why did you come here?” Soi demanded again hoping to distract him from her odd reactions.

 

They exchanged a few more vicious insults and suddenly she felt her strength drain out of her and she sank on to the bed.

 

Toshiro sat on the bed near Soi and for a moment she felt hope. “I don't want to be enemies,” he said.

 

It was so much less than that she had hoped for and she found she had to cover the sob with a laugh. “It's too late for that.”

 

“What should I do? This is not working out the way I wanted.”

 

The admission stunned her. He sounded like a petulant little boy who was being deprived of a sweet. Offended she was harsh in her reply. “The way you wanted? Is it all about you? It's not working out the way I wanted either. There, we've talked. You can go now.”

 

The silence was short but cold until he again surprised her by admitting, “I don't hate you.”

 

A surge of elation ran through her bones, but she suppressed it quickly and gave the coldest response she could elicit. “I don't care how you frigging feel about me, or anything else. What will it take to get you to leave? If I fuck you, will you go?” One more fuck, one more chance of release with him.

 

“Yes,” he agreed immediately.

 

The interaction with Toshiro was everything she hoped it wouldn't be and she cursed her stupidity that suggested she make the offer. Feeling unsettled she was harsh and curt, not allowing him to kiss her, appearing indifferent to his touch.

 

The sex was angry and exciting. She decided to insult him further to push him away from her, at least emotionally. “Yes, like that. Why didn't you do that in the first place? The way you were talking made me think you were going soft,” she said arching her hips up to meet him.

 

“I'm not. I don't like you at all except for fucking you.”

 

“Shut up and screw me, Toshiro. You can kiss me, if you must,” Soi ordered, unable to suppress the groan.

 

She looked at him, hoping her expression did not show anything except anger and lust. He kept his eyes fixed on hers as he slowed, unhurriedly continuing to screw her.

 

Then he kissed her and she knew this was something she did not want. Instead of shoving him away as she knew she should, she returned his kiss. For a time she was lost to all except his mouth, but came to her senses.

 

“Are you going to keep screwing me or not, Toshiro?”

 

He tried to kiss her again but she turned her head to one side, refusing to meet his eyes. “No. No more kissing. I want this over and your thing out of my body….after you make me come, of course.” For a moment she wondered if he would notice what she said, but hoped he would put a different interpretation onto her words.

 

Toshiro began to take her more forcefully than ever before, driving into her with ferocity she had not experienced until now, and she found the anger a stimulant. The orgasm roared through her body.

 

Recovering her senses, a single thought was present. She had to get him to leave. It was important that he would leave and not seek her out again. There was one thing she could do that would drive him from her. Deny him the pleasure he had provided to her. “I've come. You can go now.” The words were timed to the minute.

 

He climaxed. Retreating from her, he rose quickly and dressed and left, saying nothing further.

 

Refusing to watch him leave, Soi turned her back to the door and shut her eyes. The sound of a person sobbing broke her peace, but it was unimportant.

 

She was so tired. The day had been long, the events many, but she believed that this would be the last encounter with Toshiro. It could not occur again. Despite the maelstrom of emotions she was feeling, despite all the thoughts racing through her mind, she slept.

 

 

When she woke it was morning and nearly time for her `meeting' with Captain Unohana. Noticing she was not in her quarters she quickly dressed and made her way back to her quarters. She didn't want to be examined in the clothes she had worn before and her need to wash meant more than punctuality.

 

Arriving at the office a few minutes late, she was ushered in immediately. The Captain was kneeling by the door, looking out over the garden, appearing serene and in control.

 

“Another beautiful sunrise this morning,” was her greeting.

 

Soi nodded and knelt on beside her, looking at the ordered form of the scene before her.

 

“I trust you slept well last night and have had time to think about matters. Any decision you make must be one you can accept in the future as the correct choice. I realise that this may be difficult, but Captain Fong, as I was recently forced to make the same choice, I urge you to not be rash.” Captain Unohana's voice was gentle, but firm.

 

Soi bit her lip and she formulated her response. “I haven't decided. Before I can decide I need to know.”

 

Turning to face her patient, Captain Unohana looked directly into Soi's eyes and nodded slowly. Seeing the compassion, Soi flinched, unwilling to accept that anyone could feel sorrow for her.

 

“When I finally recognised my symptoms, I cried. I knew that the relationship with the child's father could not last because it is founded on pity, opportunity and need. I wondered for some time if I was developing feelings for Shuhei, but that is not important. He needs to focus on his Division as they need his leadership and I need to concentrate on my Division. It took a few days for me to decide to keep the child. Joy gives me my last regret,” her eyes dropped as she finished her explanation.

 

Soi did not know how to respond. Handling her own feelings was proving difficult, but being privy to other people's feelings made her feel anxious. “It's your decision,” was all she could offer.

 

“Yes it is. It is now time to examine you, Captain,” was the cool response.

 

As the examination took place Soi wondered if she had offended the Captain. How could she tell? She steeled herself to hear the verdict.

 

“You are definitely pregnant. My initial guess is confirmed that you probably fell pregnant on the same day as I. The child is developing normally and you are both healthy. Now the decision is up to you,” was the eventual decision.

 

Again Soi found emotions conflicting within her. She denied the surge of joy, acknowledged the despair and fought the fear. “You're not mistaken?” was her hopeful question.

 

“No. Now we have 3 senior officers pregnant. I wonder if the bride will soon be seeking my advice, also,” was the studied comment.

 

“Are you saying that the Lieutenant is pregnant as well?” Soi was thunderstruck.

 

“I don't know. I haven't had the opportunity to observe her closely and remember that Zaraki did make that claim as one of the reasons he wished to marry her.” Captain Unohana seemed to accept that the pregnancy was probable.

 

Soi found she was shaking her head. “What is happening? Did Aizen do something before he left? Did he implant an idea in all our minds to fuck the first person we saw and fall pregnant? I don't want to have a child now. I don't want to carry stupid Toshiro's child. He wants to marry Momo and I'd feel like a fool if he marries that female carrying Aizen's get while I'm pregnant with his.” Horrified, Soi realised she was crying. She didn't want Toshiro to marry Momo or for their affair to be over. All the time she had felt violently opposed to his possible marriage she was lying to herself about the reasons.

 

“How do you know he wants to marry Lieutenant Hinamori?” Captain Unohana's question made Soi cry harder.

 

“He asked me if I thought it was a good idea,” the words were jerky as Soi tried to bring her breathing under control. “I told him it was a stupid idea. Do you think it's a stupid idea, Captain Unohana?”

 

“Please, call me Retsu, Soi. We've reached a point that I think formality between us is silly. His idea to marry the girl is not wise. Lieutenant Hinamori and he are not suited even though they are friends,” Retsu's voice was soothing. “But he is very fond of her.”

 

Soi nodded and feeling the sympathy from the woman she blurted out the other things that worried her. “I told him what I thought of Momo. I said she was pathetic, feeble minded, an idiot and a moron. I also insulted his lieutenant and that was wrong. But Momo annoys me.” She wiped her face on the tissue Retsu offered.

 

“If you talk to Captain Hitsugaya, I think you should avoid mentioning Momo. It upsets you and probably he becomes offended when you speak of his friend that way. You need to think matters through very carefully. Why don't you visit me again tomorrow after you've had time to consider your decision? I would advise you to talk to Lieutenant Rangiku, but I think that Captain Zaraki will not welcome interruptions for the next few days.” Retsu spoke slowly, seemingly considering what she was saying carefully.

 

“They're still together? After that last meeting?” Soi was incredulous. She had thought they might reach a new understanding, but the memory of the crude passion unsettled her.

 

“Of course they are. Now, Soi, I think before you leave you should eat and drink something. You need to recover your composure before other people see you. Please, share my breakfast while we contemplate the beauty of the garden.”

 

A.N.

 

I needed to write this chapter before I can update `Different Circumstances'. Hell, there may have to be a further chapter as well. Another Chapter 13, but the bad luck is not quite as dramatic.

 

Soundtrack

`All The Things She Said', Tatu

`Slave One' Kinobe

`Shiro' from Wolf's Rain by Yoko Kanno

`Teardrop' Massive Attack

`Lopez' 808 state

 

As usual, thanks to Bastion. Thanks also to cancerchick16 and n8tivegurl for the reviews.

 

You keep reviewing, I'll keep writing. Simple.

 

(Bugger, now I'm thanking people?)

 

Review. I like reviews.