Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ For The Love of a Friend ❯ Friend's Fault ( Chapter 24 )

Friend's Fault

 

Her gaze fixed on the door, Soi remained immobile. She was trying to comprehend what Toshiro said. It wasn't only the words that were affecting her. It was the way he had looked, the tone in his voice that had caused her limbs in freeze in astonishment.

 

Toshiro hated her. The venom in his voice, his attitude was poisoning her as surely as her zanpakuto poisoned others. Until now she hadn't guessed the depth of his feelings and while he often seemed angry, irritated or maybe even once slightly infatuated with her, he had not shown any sign that he hated her. Only recently he'd told her he liked her and now that had changed, for the worse.

 

She didn't want Toshiro to hate her.

 

As the blood drained from her face and pooled in her stomach in a cold and unsettling wash, the reality of the situation struck her. For too long she had believed, though she would never admit it, that one day she might tell him she liked him while he was awake. The possibility of telling him about their child had also been something she had considered, but never acknowledged. It wasn't that she wanted anything more than a casual relationship where they met often, had sex, kissed, spent time together and talked about things that interested them.

 

Who was she trying to fool?

 

All this had been a fantasy that her subconscious had created while she had known he planned to marry Momo. How could she have ignored that truth?

 

Because ignoring the truth was habit forming and easier than coping with reality. It had happened before. She'd ignored all evidence, every single fact that indicated that Yoruichi was leaving her, as it was something she wouldn't accept and if she refused to accept it, then it wouldn't happen. All the time she'd foolishly held onto a belief that could not be supported, convincing her mind that all the signs were an aberration which would soon be over. Everything would return to normal, given time.

 

It hadn't worked then and she had been ill-prepared to face how blinkered she had willingly become. It wasn't working now and even though she had experienced these emotions previously didn't make it any easier.

 

The only comforting thing she could think was that he didn't know she liked him because he'd been asleep when she told him. If he did know she would have to kill him, it was as simple as that. Her pride would not allow him to live with that knowledge.

 

Thinking this way was causing the muscles between her shoulder blades to knot with tension. What should she do now? Go and exercise? Perhaps she should return to her Division to make certain her lieutenant hadn't eaten some important paper work when he mistook it for rice paper that could be wrapped around snacks. Not that it had happened in the past, but it was one thing she had idly considered as she watched him eat yet another rice paper roll.

 

Her stomach grumbled slightly. She hadn't eaten and after the vigorous exercise her body craved food. Visions of eating a banana crossed her mind and among all the bitterness and anxiety she felt the image struck her as funny and she smiled. What had Toshiro meant by the last comment?

 

Touch a banana without bruising it? Her cheeks became hot as her mind finally started to function at more than half speed. He didn't like the way she handled him. Why hadn't he said anything? The fool had followed her instructions on how to provide her with pleasure, but hadn't said anything about how she should touch him. How did he think she would learn? By osmosis? Of did he expect Priapus or Aizen Myo-o to manifest and tell her in person how to handle his man thing?

 

“How could I improve if he didn't tell me? My touch still made him hard and that was all that mattered, wasn't it?” she thought though a persistent tingle down her spine that expanded to cover her buttocks indicated a depth of humiliation that could not be acknowledged.

 

That wasn't the most mortifying comment he'd made. There could be no disguising the fact that he had suggested that she use a banana to obtain sexual pleasure.

 

How dare he! She didn't need to rely upon fruit to seek gratification. All the same, part of her mind wondered about it, would it be necessary to peel it first, or would it better to… Disciplining her mind she refused to allow it to follow that disquieting path. Too much in her life had been spiralling out of control and she didn't want her brain to continue following this stream of consciousness thinking. It led down too many paths she had always blocked off.

 

Bananas were fruit. Fruit was meant to be eaten. Retsu had advised her to eat bananas as the potassium contained within them would be beneficial to both her and her baby. Maybe she should buy some bananas as she had rarely thought to sample the delicacy. It was true bananas were rare in the Seireitei but she could afford them, if she wanted to eat them. Maybe she could see how easy it was to cause the fruit to bruise and then eat it. No one would know.

 

But wouldn't buying the fruit be a way of acknowledging he might have a point? It would mean she took the insult seriously, even if only she knew. That could be enough. She would not buy the fruit because it was now a symbol of her humiliation. She would ban that particular food from 2nd Division. Anyone found eating one would be confined to the cells… but what could she use for her reason? It was an insane prohibition, but the only person she knew who would eat bananas was her lieutenant. She would simply order him to never bring them within the boundaries of her Division. There was no need to provide a reason if she then distracted him by giving him additional work.

 

Startled she snapped her mind back to the current situation. Her rigorous mental discipline had been breached. There were more immediate matters to which she had to pay attention than considering her next nibble or the importance of a yellow perishable. There was the deployment of her Special Forces around 4th Division and maybe while there she could check how Lieutenant Matsumoto was faring. With Toshiro gone, she had unconsciously increased her mental defences so she didn't have to experience the anguish of feeling Kenpachi's spiritual pressure fluctuate, or know the whereabouts of the 10th Division Captain.

 

It was one matter she had not discussed with anyone. The strong spiritual pressure of others never worried her, did not cause her to sweat or struggle. However, when the spiritual pressure rose and fell dramatically, unless blocked out, it made her feel queasy. Now she was pregnant, the symptoms were even more pronounced. As the 11th Division Captains' reiatsu was very strong and had been flowing unpredictably, it had been affecting her unconsciously until Toshiro had left. In spite of the barriers she could perceive, barely, that it was still behaving abnormally.

 

Without any warning the thought recurred: Toshiro hated her. She wanted to curl up and howl.

 

It was clear why her thoughts had strayed so far. Trying to distance her attention from that realisation with the silly concerns about bananas and Kenpachi didn't disguise anything. She had to talk to someone, to anyone, to Retsu. Retsu might understand, but she was busy. Right now she would be too busy to help Soi with this, wouldn't she? The thought made her stir, uneasy with the way her thoughts were progressing.

 

As she moved, wet fabric rubbed across her shoulders and her chest. Reaching up, in disbelief, her fingers encountered wet cloth and tracing upwards felt the spill of neglected tears from her eyes. Since Toshiro had left she had been staring, without seeing, at the door and obviously staring for that long had made her eyes sore and they were leaking from the unusual strain. That had happened to her in the past, when Yoruichi left. Water had slipped from her lids, tears that started hot but cooled as they dripped down her cheeks onto her clothing. Those strange wordless gasps that were emerging from her mouth were a reaction to the wet cloth, nothing more. She should change or she might get a cold from sitting in a cold room in damp clothes that were getting progressively soggier. They weren't the panting sobs of someone who was crying because the person she loved hated her. It was a reaction to the increasing cold.

 

Her eyes, because they were still leaking, started to deceive her. The door she was watching, hoping without accepting hope, that Toshiro would return, began to open. Not trusting her eyes, she blinked which released more moisture that quickly ran down her face further spreading the damp in her clothes. Then she blinked again, not able to comprehend who was standing in front of her. The visitor apparently couldn't believe her eyes either.

 

“Captain Fong. I didn't expect to see anyone here,” stuttered the dark haired lieutenant, wavering in the doorway. “No one was here that time either. I was alone.”

 

Soi quickly turned her face to one side, her heart thudding painfully as the realisation that someone had seen her tears.

 

“I will leave,” the woman offered quickly, but not before adding, “I didn't think you were that close to Ran. My captain is inconsolable and wants me to share his grief, but I can't. Nor do I wish to.”

 

Staring at Nanao Ise, Soi wondered if she had heard correctly. This woman didn't like Ran? Wiping her eyes with the edge of a sleeve, Soi said thickly, “I hardly know her. I thought I hated her, but I have been forced to re-evaluate my opinion.” The woman had been honest; it was only fair that she return the honesty.

 

“I wonder if I had a pair of large tits that I didn't mind showing off; if I'd be forgiven all my sins,” Nanao continued viciously. “I wonder if a Captain would marry me after I'd slept around the Seireitei. Would I get abducted and then saved by my husband who makes it perfectly clear that he loves me above his own life?”

 

The language was unexpected and sounded as if it came from another mouth. Soi felt like she'd missed the middle four volumes of a novel out of a set of six. There was much she didn't know about this woman. Trying to sort it out she asked, “Did you love; I mean do you like Kenpachi?”

 

Nanao stared at her as if she had difficulty understanding what she was saying. “What! Me, like the 11th Division Captain? That animal? I've heard the rumours about his size, but what's to like? Uncouth, brutish, and you'd have to put up with his Division that is populated by louts and thugs,” she shuddered emphatically. “Thank you but, I think I'd prefer to sleep with your lieutenant.”

 

It was Soi's turn to shudder. The woman didn't know what she was talking about and she'd obviously spent little time in his company. Rather than explore that upsetting image she asked, “Then what are we talking about?”

 

“This unexpected mass outpouring of grief about the probable demise of one woman is ridiculous. Even when we thought Captain Aizen was dead there was nothing like this. Only Hinamori carried on, but then she would,” again the bitterness was present in the voice and Soi felt compelled to respond. “I hate her more than Rangiku. She's Aizen's booby and I hate anything to do with the man.”

 

“She trusted the man completely. He tried to make her believe that Captain Hitsugaya was not to be trusted and because of him she fought with her oldest friend. Lieutenant Hinamori hates fighting,” the words she was uttering made her mouth feel strange, as if I was coated with a mixture of heavy oil, salt and sugar. Talking about Momo made her queasiness return. Trying to justify and excuse the woman's actions was worse than thinking about her.

 

“That's no excuse! The woman is a Shinigami and should display more resilience,” Nanao said loudly. “I suppose if Rangiku survives she'll lie around in 4th Division demanding to be waited on like Momo. They make me sick.”

 

Not wishing to discuss Momo any further, Soi shrugged indifferently. Was there a possibility that she could pass a day without having to hear about her?

 

Nanao had not finished and now turned her attention to another area. “What is it about men? The only look at you if you have large mammaries or if they deem you cute, or sweet or hot. They're only attracted by the surface, never looking deeper than the superficial features that provide a pleasing face and form. My Captain likes Ran. I thought once she was married he'd come to his senses but now he's acting as though he's the one about to be widowed,” the derision in her tone was flavoured with a distinct tang of self pity. “He's crying. He always has time for her and lets her do what she wants. Me, he lets me do all the work. I know they've been fucking. Why her? Why not me? Other men have liked me. They've been all over me….. No, that didn't happen.”

 

Did that mean she wasn't as indifferent to her Captain as she had always pretended?

 

“They've been friends for a long time,” Soi said woodenly realising that she couldn't say that about anyone. Her friendships had been recently formed and the realisation of what she'd missed confirmed her belief that there was more to life than the pursuit of perfection as a warrior and captain.

 

Nanao made a rude noise. “Friends? Huh? There can be no friendship between men and women.”

 

“But Ran is friends with her captain and Captain Ukitake,” Soi protested without much conviction.

 

“You're deceiving yourself,” Nanao said with an air of finality. “It's all about sex. That's how Momo and Ran get the loyalty. Sex for `friendship'. They trade freely.”

 

Even though Soi wanted to protest and argue against the words uttered by the lieutenant she couldn't think of how she could refute her claim. She had never trusted men until Toshiro, not that she trusted him now, and she could now see what a mistake that had been. Even the man, who was meant to hold the fate of the Seireitei in his hands, the Captain General, had proved himself wanting recently and he didn't seem to be trying to address the many problems that were increasingly daily.

 

“And all that bubble head could talk about was how wonderful her Captain Aizen was. It made me sick to hear her talk. I never liked the man for all his supposed compassion and transparent honesty; not after….”

 

The incomplete sentence made Soi look at the lieutenant, wondering how that sentence was supposed to end. The woman's face had turned ashen and her eyes had become unfocused. Soi turned to see what she was looking at, but her gaze seemed to be fixed on the bed, the bed still rumpled from her most recent encounter with Toshiro.

 

“I was tired and having a nap,” she explained quickly. “I wanted to get away from the places people could find me so I could have some peace.” In many ways it was true and she didn't feel that she was being completely dishonest.

 

The woman didn't respond. Her chest hardly shifted and Soi quickly moved to ascertain she was breathing. As she laid her hand under Nanao's nose, she could feel the warm air escape but Nanao flinched back, raising her hands protectively in front of her face and neck.

 

“No,” she hissed and hit out blindly, barely missing Soi's shoulder.

 

“Lieutenant Ise,” the use of her name brought only a small cringe. Soi began to be seriously concerned. She had tried to punch her and then became catatonic. What was the situation?

 

“Where is your Captain, lieutenant? Where is Captain Kyoraku?” The woman dogged his footsteps. Maybe the mention of his name would shock her back to her senses.

 

For a second the animation returned to her face and the woman swayed slightly on her feet. In a faint voice she said, “Getting drunk. He told me to soak my head. Like that night…” her voice faded away and her dark eyes became even darker.

 

There was a short blessed silence until the woman began to mutter under her breath. Trying to catch the words, Soi found she was moving closer, even though she believed it was the worst decision she could make. Finally she began to hear the words, spoken hurriedly.

 

“Not that night. I dreamt that night. Nothing happened, it was a bad dream that women have. It was a nightmare and nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing…..NOTHING HAPPENED,” her voice had risen until she was shouting, her hands clenched on the collar of her uniform.

 

“What do I do?” Soi wondered backing away from the woman. She had been right. Yet again her decision was wrong. In future if she made a decision she'd quickly do the opposite. That might lead to fewer complications.

 

Nanao's pupils had contracted to pinpoints as the skin grew tighter on her face. She convulsed as if she was preparing to vomit, but only a harsh gasp rent the air as the words “Nothing happened,” spewed from her mouth once more.

 

The lieutenant was standing in the path directly between the door and Soi's position so she couldn't leave the room and hope the situation would vanish. There was no possibility that she could leave without being noticed and she didn't want the woman to notice her, not the state she was in. For some reason she was suffering a crisis and after all the recent events she'd been dragged into, Soi wanted the easier option: not knowing, being ignorant of whatever dark secret was claiming the woman in front of her. That way there would be no embarrassing shared secret that might later cause awkward moments between them.

 

The last few days had revealed too much: secrets, feelings, fears. Nanao's venting of her hatred had led to this. Focusing on hatred was something Soi was well acquainted with. If this was an example of what could happen if a person hated too much, maybe she should try to over look hate. Hating was easy. It didn't take much effort, but all the other emotions, the positive ones were more problematic. They actually needed care and could end up hurting. Hate didn't hurt, or it was a pain that was expected. Being hated hurt, but only if you cared about the person who hated you. Fighting the need to run her hands over her hair in despair, Soi again tried to use any means to extricate herself from this situation. At least she didn't think Shunsui had sent Nanao to her, but she had been dealing with too many problematic female lieutenants or third seats recently. The male Captains could commence looking after the welfare of their woman officers; she didn't want to always be in the position of sorting out other people's problems.

 

“Whatever happened, I'm going to have to take her to 4th Division, to Retsu. I don't have a choice. There is something seriously wrong and I'm pretty sure that I'll only make matters worse. What would Toshiro do? No, wrong call there. What would Yoruichi…. Why am I thinking of people who matter to me when I should be thinking of Nanao. I have to think of her to get out of this, though I can't say I care much. I want to get out of here, now. Why do all these things happen at once? Has someone been positioning us like dominos that fall in a neat pattern when just one of us is pushed over? It all seems so random, but with a strange sort of logical structure. What would Retsu do?”

 

Remembering the wisdom always displayed by her friend it became obvious. Retsu would provide reassurance.

 

“Nothing happened,” she told Nanao firmly, hoping that she'd chosen to say the right words. Echoing the words back at the woman might provide the comfort she was seeking.

 

The dazed eyes turned to her and for a second Soi felt she was looking into the eyes of a person who was experiencing the torment of many people. The pain she saw would have driven many people crazy and she began to back away, fearful of the reaction of the woman as she bore no resemblance to the careful and controlling woman Soi had frequently encountered.

 

“Were you there?” Nanao asked with a mixture of hope and despair in her voice. Any blood that had remained in her face had drained away and her dark eyes glittered feverishly against the white skin. “Didn't it happen before you joined 2nd Division? No, it was after Captain Shinon left. Did you see? How do you know?” She had drawn closer again and once more Soi almost felt like backing away. The fervid nature of the woman was beginning to make her question her qualification to provide any assistance.

 

Nanao shook her head hard in denial. “No one was there,” she said. “I wasn't there either because nothing happened. Nothing happened here. Never. Nothing happened because no one was there. I wasn't there, I'm not here, and I'm not there. Am I anywhere? If no one was there, then I wasn't there. I'm not here. I'm nowhere.” After saying these words the 8th Division lieutenant stood completely still once more.

 

Waiting for her to continue, Soi watched closely and noted that the woman did not seem ready to move, or act in any manner. While her eyes were unfocused, they appeared to draw in the light rather than reflect it. Minutes passed and she still did not move, and did not react to Soi's voice, taps from her hands or her stern commands.

 

Acting on instinct, Soi, managed to pick up the woman and carry her to 4th Division. Whatever was affecting her was beyond her skill or comprehension. None of the Shinigami she passed dared to stop her when they saw the set expression on her face and noted the burden she was carrying. She passed Kira who fell into step with her and without saying a word, took Nanao from her, holding her gingerly within his arms as he escorted Soi to 4th Division, his regular anguished expression growing darker and more haunted.

 

As she came to the kido shield it was dropped as her subordinates noted who was there. The one person, who approached her, noticed her expression and did not ask the question that seemed to be forming in his mind. Instead he bowed and vanished, leaving the way to 4th Division clear.

 

Isane had obviously been alerted as she met them outside the building. Her glance at Nanao told Soi that she had encountered the woman in this situation previously as her quick shake of the head and small sigh. Before she took the woman she stroked her forehead and closed her staring eyes with gentle fingers. Then she smoothly removed Nanao from Kira's arms and took her inside after saying, “Please do not follow. We feel we are under siege with the incoming casualties from 11th Division. I would ask Captain Unohana to come to speak to you, but she is still attending to Lieutenant Rangiku. It took all her skill to persuade Captain Zaraki to leave, but his reiatsu was battering at her and made it difficult to work. That poor man.”

 

The words had a strange effect on Soi. She had never heard any one express pity for Kenpachi, not even when his wife was abducted. The false and distasteful pity Kurotsuchi had used after the invasion of Soul Society didn't count, but Isane words were definitely full of sorrow for the man.

 

She waited with Kira, still not speaking, but no one else emerged from 4th Division.

 

“What is happening to the women of the Gotei 13?” Kira murmured almost to himself. “First Momo, then Ran, now Nanao. I heard that you were visited by Kiyone and she was crying.”

 

“You don't know the half of it,” thought Soi. “Why are you talking to me?”

 

“I don't like rapid change,” Kira's sharp features were looking gaunt. He had lost weight since the traitors had left and Soi only now noticed that his uniform seemed to hang on him. “My friends, the people I've come to depend on are either ill, injured or changed beyond recognition. Even I've changed. I don't recognise my reflection when I pass a mirror.”

 

“I do not believe this information is relevant to me, Lieutenant Izuru,” Soi's tone was not as scathing as normal, but he was making her recognise there could be no return to that niche she had created. It wasn't that it was comfortable, or pleasant; she didn't like it, if she was honest, but it was familiar. Something that remained unchanged and tight and confining as it was, it was a place she could relax to a limited extent.

 

“But it is, Captain Fong. You haven't changed,” he laughed, but there was only bitterness in the sound. “That provides me with reassurance that one day this will end and everything will return to how it was.”

 

Another bitter laugh filled the space around them, but this time it was Soi's laughter. “Until now, I thought you were a little more perceptive, but now I see I was wrong. We can't go back, Lieutenant Izuru. Everything has changed, even I have changed. Clinging to the past will only make you long for it more and you'll ignore any opportunity to move on.”

 

A strained silence fell between them only broken by the gentle breeze which swirled leaves up from the ground and the escalating pressure of reiatsu which Soi was finding it increasingly difficult to block. It was more insistent than before and felt familiar, but it was interfering with her concentration and causing a slight headache to form behind her eyes.

 

Kira sighed heavily. “While you're right, it's hard to move on when other people won't let you.”

 

She knew immediately what he meant and knew she was one of the people who was guilty of keeping Kira in the past. It would cost her an effort but she would say the words. Maybe the Goddess of Mercy might notice and help Retsu heal Ran. That would at least relieve some of the unrelenting depression she was feeling.

 

“You're not responsible for the action of your Captain, lieutenant. No Captain allows a subordinate to dictate his or her actions. The traitor's plan must have been in place years before you graduated the Academy. You have to keep your Division together. That is your role, not mourning the past or fearing the future.”

 

As she spoke she wondered if she was talking to Kira, or herself.

 

Kira turned to her, the light of hope in his eyes. Before he could speak the sound of thudding feet summoned their attention. Hanatoro appeared, saw them and ran toward them.

 

“Get Captain Zaraki, quick. Something's happening and Captain Unohana thinks he can help.” Without even noticing who he'd addressed, he turned and ran back into the building.

 

 

A.N.

 

Soundtrack

`Blanket' Urban Species

`Saltwater' Chicane with Marie Brennan

`Disenchanted' The Communards

 

Priapus and Aizen Myo-o are gods of fertility, the first being Greek, the second Japanese. I don't know why I find that amusing.

 

The requests for a chapter from Soi's viewpoint was marginally larger (one or two). These included the pleading emails, etc. The next instalment, from Toshiro's viewpoint, is nearly completed and should be posted within the week: work, family, interruptions, revelations, revolutions and natural disasters permitting.

 

Thank you to ldymoon, cancerchick16, Bastion and Mors' for the reviews.

 

Review. I like reviews.