Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ For The Love of a Friend ❯ For the Love of a Child ( Chapter 48 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Tite  Kubo owns Bleach and the characters depicted therein.   The characters in this story are not mine, except for the original characters.  I make no money from the publication of this work.


"It's none of your business if I have the child or not," Soi said, her anger obvious.  He was making more and more mistakes.  Every time he opened his mouth, the words which emerged didn't reflect what he wished to say, but at the same time he wanted answers.  For once he wanted there to be a clear understanding between them so they could start afresh without all the secrets and fears clogging their lives.  

Was it his business if she had the child?  He thought it was, but at the same time Soi obviously believed it wasn't.  Or was this her way of dealing with a potentially emotionally messy situation?

"I am having the child.  As it is yours, I thought you might like to know.  You don't have to acknowledge it.  It will be my child and only the Old Man has any right to question me," Soi added, a frown on her face.

It was his child!  It was?  The news of his impending fatherhood made him feel very still and very worried.  He barely noticed Soi turning away as he tried to understand everything she'd said.  The child was his and she was keeping it, but at the same time she was making it very clear it was her child and her decision.

Why had he even thought the baby was not his?  Even the question seemed ludicrous as he had carefully considered marrying Momo even though she was pregnant with Aizen's child.  Soi had been a virgin as had he and everything he knew or thought he knew about Soi meant she wasn't the sort to... he broke off that thought.  

She'd used him for sexual pleasure, taking advantage of a request.  The original basis of their relationship was her use of him as a convenience, not as a person and in some respects the beginning of whatever it was between them caused resentment.  He, a new Captain of the Seireitei, used as a sexual plaything with little regard to his needs or feelings.  If Soi had used him, was it possible she had used others in a similar manner?

It didn't seem likely but the woman was a walking contradiction.  She'd used him, forced him to have sex with her until he began to enjoy it and crave her touch more and more.  Left alone he might have continued to have the safe fantasy of loving Momo without the passion or desire because what he thought of as his love for her was a half realised emotion which didn't begin to contain all the conflicting love, despair, desire, resentment, fear, need, loathing and adoration he felt for Soi.  Was it normal to feel those emotions for another human being?

Soi turned away.  He'd made a mistake in his questions.  Did it matter?  He loved her.  There were other emotions which made the acknowledgement of his love difficult but the primary feeling was love and it was a priority to keep her in his life.  

They were at an impasse unless he did something.  Impulsively he hugged her , pulling her close and placing his face at the junction of her neck and shoulder. He was going to be a father and for some weird reason it made him proud.  "You're carrying our child?  We're having a baby?"

Predictably, Soi pushed him away, rejecting his touch.  "I'm having the baby..."


The rejection hurt a little but the stupid pride made him blurt out, "No, we're having the baby.  It's our child.  When do you want to get married?"


Soi stared at him, her eye wide with disbelief.  "What?"

She was being a little slow or maybe she wished to observe the traditions.  It didn't matter to him.  He'd gone this far and he wanted to make certain she didn't estrange herself again.  Zaraki had married Matsumoto within a very short time and if that unlikely pair could marry, why couldn't they?  Dimly he recalled Soi hadn't been very supportive of the marriage but things had changed.  Both of them had changed.  


To display his sincerity, Toshiro dropped to one knee, grabbed one of her hands and asked, "Soi, will you marry me?"  he hoped his voice didn't waver or indicate his fear of rejection.  He wanted to marry her.


Soi began tugging her hands out of his, a look of mingled disgust and another indefinable emotion on her face.  "Marry?  You?  Why would I want to marry you?"

The words hurt.  Was he that unattractive?  Didn't she like his personality?  Did she find his conversation dull?  She seemed to like having sex with him, or she had once.


Trying not to display any negative emotion Toshiro let go of her hand and stood feeling like a fool.  "We are having a baby together.  The child needs a father and convention states the father is married to the mother so they can be a family."  His tone was  as flat as his emotion.


The coldness in her face and voice rivalled the ice he felt in his chest."If we were conventional we would have fallen in love and married before we had sex.  We didn't."


Not by his choice.  She had been the one to use him, but he was prepared to forgive the past.  Nothing about their relationship was conventional but there was one argument he'd heard which seemed to be a winner, "Soi, the child needs a father...."

The incredulous look of her face stopped him.  Then he realised it was an argument that would hold little to no appeal to Soi.  Why had he even thought it might work?

"Why does the child need a father?" Her tone was mocking.

Thinking fast he tried something else but even as he spoke he knew the words were a mistake.  "The child needs stability..."  Her flinch at his words worried him but he continued anyway.  "It will be best for the child if we marry."

Soi was shaking her head in denial of his words.   "Best for the child?  What about what is best for me?  I am still here, still thinking and able to make choices.  I have not lost my ability to reason or make logical decisions simply because I am carrying a child.  Who says a child has more stability if the parents are married?"  

What could he say?  He didn't know if his parents were married.  He'd been brought up by an old woman with no male influence in his formative years.  Had he been disadvantaged?  Would he be better if he'd had a father to advise him?  Any statement he considered to strengthen his claim seemed like a platitude or certain to anger Soi.   He'd heard all the arguments which ignored the problems related to circumstance.  Was a child better for having an abusive father than being brought up by a caring mother or vice-versa?  Or was the presence of a cold and distant parent preferable to his absence?  Or if the parent was insane, held extremely intolerant beliefs, wished to live vicariously through the child, insisted they train in areas where they had little to no interest?

His words had been unfair.  He had treated her as if she were incapable of making decisions and yet she had been a Shinigami and a captain much longer than he had.  Why had he automatically thought he had to act in the way he believed men would act.

Toshiro bit his lip and looked away, not wishing to see her anger.  "You are right, Captain."

Instead of the expected outburst his words were met with silence.  The silence lengthened until he felt he had to look at her.  Soi was staring at him as if she had trouble recognising him.  She stood, her arms folded over her chest which seemed to show evidence of fast, shallow breathing.  Was she preparing to launch another verbal attack, or was there something else?

"Please, Soi.  Talk to me." The silence was making him uncomfortable and he wanted to know what she was thinking.  If they could get past this they might be able to reach some agreement.  The earlier one appeared to be shattered by her revelation and his reaction.

"You said I was right," Soi said softly.  She had moved to stand near the table and briefly rested her hand on it.  

"You are.  Soi..," he broke off and swallowed.  He was going to say something stupid, he knew it.  If he didn't say it now he might never say it because she was not berating him or acting cold.  For this brief moment he thought he might have a chance to say the words he knew to be true but tried to deny.  He'd almost said them earlier, just before her announcement of her pregnancy and the words had been forgotten in the mix of new emotions which flooded him and the questions that rose from the statement.  He wanted to say it now.  If he explained, maybe she would understand.  What was the worst thing that could happen?

She might laugh at him.

She might look disgusted.

She might tell him she did not return his feelings.

There was so many variations which might be her reaction and he didn't like most of them.  

Should he say anything?  

"What is it you want to say, Toshiro?" her voice remained calm.

Looking at her but staying at a distance he finally said the words he felt and believed but might be the end of any chance of spending further time with this woman.  "Soi, I love you and want to marry you." Saying the words aloud made him catch his breath.  The words had been spoken aloud and she had heard him.  He knew she had because she was very still, any reaction hidden by the cool mask of her face.

He waited.  Any further words might sound desperate or demanding and it was important she be given the time to respond.  He saw her eyes flicker, looking at him and then away.  She gazed in the direction of the table and he wondered if it were because she found it difficult to look at him.  So far she had shown none of the expected reactions and he began to feel a nervous reaction.  Why was it taking her so long to reply?  Was it so difficult for her to find the words to reject him?  

"I see," was her reply.

'I see'!  Two small words which provided no information.  'I see'.  It sounded cold and unfeeling.  What did she see?  That he was making a fool of himself or that their 'arrangement' had caused a further unexpected result?

"What do you see?"  without thinking it through the words came out of his mouth   with a slight edge.

"You equate love with marriage."

The reply made him frown.  She had ignored his declaration and simply chose to concentrate on his request they marry.

"No, I equate love with love but wish to marry you.  I want everyone to know I love you and..."

"And you want to own me."

Own her?  What was she talking about?  "What do you mean?"

Her face remaining expressionless provided no hint of her emotional reaction.  "After marriage most men expect the woman to remain at home and look after any children which may be produced."

"What are you talking about?  It's not like that! You're not like that!" He wasn't one of those men.  Even trying to imagine Soi staying at home and fulfilling a wifely duty was ludicrous.

"Traditionally women give up work when they marry."

"Not in your family.  Isn't that what you told me?  If I expected women to stop working and stay at home after they married, don't you think I'd have also expected Matsumoto's resignation on her marriage.  If she has a child I'll feel privileged if she continues to be my lieutenant.  Wasn't Ukitake's lieutenant married and didn't she continue to hold her position in his Division until she was killed?" He was irritated.  Traditional?  When was she traditional?  She ignored the conventions and did things on her own terms. Why was she doing this? The words didn't seem to be her own.

Soi sighed and sank down into a chair.  She again gazed at the table, apparently reluctant to meet his eyes, or she was thinking deeply.   A slight flush coloured her face and he wondered if she was overheated, annoyed, embarrassed or shy.  

Why were they fighting over everything?  Beside the river they had been calm and friendly.  Now everything either of them said caused an argument and it appeared they couldn't agree on anything. He didn't know how she felt about him as she hadn't responded to his declaration of love.  He stared at her, hopelessly.  He loved her and wanted to know if she returned his emotions.  Did she love him or feel any positive emotion toward him, or was her bitterness and fear too overwhelming for her to feel any of these things for him?

"I don't trust any emotion," Soi said, the words startling him.  She was still gazing at the table, her right hand splayed out on the surface as if she was trying to keep it or the table steady.

What she said was blatantly untrue.  "You trust your anger."

Briefly she glanced at him and then looked back at the table.  Waiting for a reply he looked at the table also.  It hadn't changed.  It was still an ordinary wooden table with signs it had been used by people who didn't feel any ownership or pride in the object.  There were scratches and dents in the wood and while it may have been recently polished, it appeared this was rare.  One recent polish didn't overcome years of disinterest.  The legs appeared even and the colour a bland sort of teak type shade but again it was nothing noteworthy.  The reason Soi was staring at it was it was a convenient focal point, close to her and he couldn't, without some difficulty, interpose himself between her gaze and the table.  

After considerable time her words were, "Anger is different."

He thought about it.  Anger was an emotion.  It was a harder emotion which, for a short period, might make the person experiencing anger feel strong or brave.  "It is still an emotion, Soi."

"And you are point scoring," she said.  

He started to feel some of the one emotion she trusted.  "I am not point scoring.  This isn't a competition.  I told you I love you and all you can focus on is the negative things you associate with marriage and emotion."

"I loved my family and they died.  I loved Yoruichi and she abandoned me without saying good-bye.  I can't trust love.  All it brings is disappointment and pain."

Her voice was heavy and hard and he wondered if he heard a hint of tears in her words.  Her experience of love had been harsh and bitter but was that a good reason to never feel the emotion again?  Yet she was carrying a child.  Would she refuse to love the baby when it was born?

"Will you love the child?" he had the compulsion to ask. How would she react?

Soi, still looking at the table, shrugged.  "How do I know?  I will care for it, feed it and do whatever is necessary."

"Do you love it now?"

This time she did look at him.  "How do you love a concept?"

He frowned, not quite understanding what she'd said.  "What do you mean?  It's real, not a concept."

She shook her head, denying his words.  "To me it is a concept.  It might be inside me, growing, but now all it is a parasitical growth which will sap my health and energy until it is born.  I'm not one of those people who revel in the idea of creating new life.  This was a mistake."

Hearing her describe the child in that manner shocked him.  Who would describe their child as a type of cancer?  "It was a mistake we both made.  If you feel that way about the pregnancy, why are you continuing with it?"

Her eyes became confused and she looked at the table again.  There must be a cause but for some reason she didn't want to share her motive.

"Do you want me to take the child when it is born?" It seemed a fair question.

"No!"

Everything she said confused him more.  Did she want the child, or not?  Did she love the baby she described as a concept?  There was something she felt which he couldn't understand and she wasn't inclined to share with him.

"What do you want, Soi?  I don't understand.  I want to understand because I love you and care for you."

"Stop saying that!" her voice was loud and her glare full of mistrust.

It appeared that opening his mouth was provoking greater and greater emotional response.  They were fighting already, or she was fighting and he was merely giving her more fuel for her anger but if he said the right thing, maybe it would help.  He felt sick with disappointment.  Fighting with Soi was pointless.  He'd never won and each moment he spent in this room he realised that talking any further made the situation worse.  He felt any hope of marrying Soi fade and it seemed she was determined he would not be a father to his child.

It hurt.  It hurt and he had to get away but before he gave up,  he could try once more, couldn't he?

Or would it be better to say nothing and leave?  If he wanted to anger her, he was getting the results he wanted.  This wasn't working.  There was little point in prolonging the discussion.  Soi had rejected him and it hurt. He may as well go, find Shunsui and get drunk and talk about the futility of love.  Women only caused problems, beautiful and delightful they may be for a short time.  The cost of dealing with them on a regular basis was too high.  
He turned to the door, heart heavy but too irritated and sad to continue a conversation which was hurting them both.  "Goodbye,  Soi.  When we meet in future I will be mindful that there is nothing between us, not even the semblance of friendship."

He left, closing the door firmly behind him, resisting the impulse to return, gather her in his arms and hold her close until she stopped fighting him.  She might never stop fighting and he would only end up hurting them both until they would find it impossible to be civil to each other.  It was best to end this now.  It grieved him that he would not be able to be a father to their child but if he tried to take that role, only more problems and hurtful scenes would follow.

Looking at the sky, he noticed the moon was still high in the heavens with clouds still scudding across the surface.  Not really caring, he began to walk slowly toward Shunsui's.  Being alone tonight wasn't a good idea and visiting Shunsui might be even worse.  Being alone with his thoughts was an even more disastrous action.  He might decide to return to Soi and beg and that sat badly with his pride and honour.  If Soi wanted to talk to him, this time he would let her made the approach.  As of now he was too heartsick to even think about spending time with a woman who didn't want him.

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Best for the child?  Wonderful.  She wasn't part of the equation.  Marry for the sake of a baby, commit to living with another person for as long as it took for the child to grow up and leave home?  Then what?  A quick divorce and return to her life minus the 20 or so years she would lose caring for two people?  Stability?  

She didn't want that.  Marriage?  The few times she'd even considered the idea it scared her.  Seeing the same face over the meal table, in the bed, in every place she went. She liked her solitude, the time she could spend quietly, pursuing her own interests without having to consider the feelings of others.

On the other hand, in keeping this child she was committing to spending the next 20 years taking care of a child, an unknown.  It wasn't possible to predict if she'd even like the baby, or if their personalities would clash.  She avoided these thoughts so often and now Toshiro, by his demands for marriage made her consider them again.  It wasn't fair.  She'd been honourable and told him she was having a baby.  Why couldn't he leave it at that and be grateful she wasn't trying to make him marry her.  

It struck her she should have guessed he'd ask her to marry him.  He'd wanted to protect Momo and had even asked Soi's thoughts on whether he should ask Momo to marry him.  Did he have an obsession for marriage or did he feel the need to propose to any pregnant female?  No, that wasn't right.  When Kiyone had attempted to involve him in her problems, there was no proposal forthcoming.  So why was he proposing to her?

These thoughts passed swiftly though her mind and she found she was shaking her head in denial.  This was wrong.  "Best for the child?  What about what is best for me?  I am still here, still thinking and able to make choices.  I have not lost my ability to reason or make logical decisions simply because I am carrying a child.  Who says a child has more stability if the parents are married?"  

There was a slight pause.  Toshiro looked away as if he was thinking, then he bit his lip and replied,  "You are right, Captain."

She was right?  Toshiro surprised her once again by not arguing with her or putting forth or the male lies which were meant to provoke the woman into a guilty acceptance of her subservient role in his life.

Toshiro spoke again.  "Please, Soi.  Talk to me."

He'd said she was right and now he was asking her to talk to him.  He had changed.  She hadn't expected this reaction to her words.  "You said I was right," Soi said softly as she walked toward the table.  To make her believe this was reality she placed her hand on the wooden surface, feeling it cool and firm beneath her palm.  

"You are.  Soi..," he broke off and swallowed, noticeably.  Again he seemed uncertain and nervous as if he feared what he may say next.  

If she gave him a chance he might find the words he needed.  "What is it you want to say, Toshiro?" her voice remained calm she was pleased to notice.

The look he directed at her confused her by the emotions it aroused.  It made her very uncomfortable and wary of the things he might say.  It was too late to tell him she wasn't interested in what he had to say.

"Soi, I love you and want to marry you."

Damn him!  Why had he said that?  It was all she could do to keep her face impassive as the words kept passing through her consciousness.  He loved her.  He'd already expressed his desire to marry her so that wasn't new, but he loved her.  The words almost destroyed her resolve.  Love was the great betrayer.  She didn't want to experience it again, even if she did feel it.  Denial was her best action or not really acknowledging what he'd said.  it was difficult but she didn't want anyone to have the power of love over her again.  

Finally she said, "I see," in a voice she hoped hid all her emotions.

"What do you see?"  He'd flinched when she uttered the two simple words.  

Change the subject from his declaration.  She had to do it now before she betrayed anything.  "You equate love with marriage."

The reply made him frown.  For a moment she wished she hadn't made him frown but she had to stop this talk of marriage and love and all the other soft emotions which made her feel weak and vulnerable.

Instead of changing the subject to something else, Toshiro continued, "No, I equate love with love but wish to marry you.  I want everyone to know I love you and..."

Instead of preventing him from saying those words again, they seemed to inspire him to speak again.  The words hurt and were breaking her resolve.  A quick and easy way to distract him from his declarations had to be found.  It only took a few seconds for her to decide the best way to alter the conversation.  She went on the offensive, "And you want to own me."

It stopped Toshiro and he frowned again as if confused by her statement.  She hoped he was.  "What do you mean?"
Now she had started this, she had to continue and fortunately there was ample evidence from which she could draw, not necessarily from Toshiro but  from their backgrounds.  "After marriage most men expect the woman to remain at home and look after any children which may be produced."

"What are you talking about?  It's not like that! You're not like that!" Toshiro was shaking his head, looking shocked at her comments.  While she knew he wasn't one of the men who had those expectations, generalisations were easy to use.  It was also a good way of providing some distance.

"Traditionally women give up work when they marry."

"Not in your family.  Isn't that what you told me?  If I expected women to stop working and stay at home after they married, don't you think I'd have also expected Matsumoto's resignation on her marriage.  If she has a child I'll feel privileged if she continues to be my lieutenant.  Wasn't Ukitake's lieutenant married and didn't she continue to hold her position in his Division until she was killed?" He wasn't even bothering to hide his irritation with her and she had managed to direct his attention to defence from her comments.  If this continued he might stop urging marriage and love on her.

Did she want to marry him?

Quickly she dismissed the question and the gentle urge to accept which threatened to be more powerful than her fears.  Instead of replying directly she sighed and sank down into a chair and continued to stare at the table.  Anything to avoid meeting his gaze and the emotions it might raise in her.

Why not repay him with a little honesty?  "I don't trust any emotion," Soi said, her hand betraying her by spreading her fingers against the table as if trying to find some security and support from the wood.  Emotions blurred judgement and urged stupid actions.  Even now they were threatening her carefully maintained composure.

"You trust your anger."

He had said that?  It was true, but what was anger?  It was a strong and deep reaction to circumstances, not essentially an emotion.  It wasn't soppy and it didn't make her weak.  Why not trust anger?  

Briefly she glanced at him and then looked back at the table.  He was staring at her and his eyes were harder than she'd expected.  Did he think he was winning with that argument?  "Anger is different."

He shook his head and replied.  "It is still an emotion, Soi."

This conversation was becoming increasingly difficult.  Each time she made a valid point he tried to turn it back on her."And you are point scoring."

From the corner of her eye she noticed he looked startled then incredulous.  Her change of tack had surprised him.  "I am not point scoring.  This isn't a competition.  I told you I love you and all you can focus on is the negative things you associate with marriage and emotion."

Damn him.  Why did he have to mention love again?  Was he expecting her to tell him she loved him?  Of course he was but she wasn't going to say it.  "I loved my family and they died.  I loved Yoruichi and she abandoned me without saying good-bye.  I can't trust love.  All it brings is disappointment and pain."  Uttering the words hurt and she struggled not to alter her breathing or show any sign of the sadness that threatened to overwhelm her.  Being honest was the only thing she wanted to offer, but only by being honest about the past.  Honesty about the present was beyond her.

Again he changed tack as if trying to force her to admit anything to which he could cling. "Will you love the child?"

It was easier to continue looking at the table and avoid his gaze.  Who knew how she would react if she had to answer him while staring into his eyes.  Thinking about the child was scary.  Acknowledging his paternity was a mistake.  "How do I know?  I will care for it, feed it and do whatever is necessary."

'Don't ask any more questions,' she begged in her mind.  'Enough.  Leave.  I don't want to talk about it.'

"Do you love it now?"

What?  Why was he asking these things?  The unexpected question forced her to look at him and immediately she wished she hadn't.  Distance him and the question.  That was the way to cope with this immediate problem.  With enough distance she might regain control of her emotions.  At the moment she was barely managing to hold everything within.  "How do you love a concept?"

He frowned, not quite understanding what she'd said.  "What do you mean?  It's real, not a concept."

As she had started this, she had to continue.  Until her pregnancy was confirmed the idea was one which was more conceptual than reality.  Recapturing those memories she said  "To me it is a concept.  It might be inside me, growing, but now all it is a parasitical growth which will sap my health and energy until it is born.  I'm not one of those people who revel in the idea of creating new life.  This was a mistake."

The conversation was a mistake.  One that had to end, soon.

He answered with an edge of bitterness.  "It was a mistake we both made.  If you feel that way about the pregnancy, why are you continuing with it?"

Obviously he thought she'd meant the pregnancy was a mistake.  Again is made her confront the reason for her decision which she still questioned and his was a question she didn't wish to answer.  She returned her eyes to the table, willing him to leave.

"Do you want me to take the child when it is born?"

What was he saying?  How dare he try to steal her baby. "No!"

His voice rose and he moved closer, almost standing over her.  She shifted in her chair, moving back from him as he again assaulted her emotions.  "What do you want, Soi?  I don't understand.  I want to understand because I love you and care for you."

He was trying again.  Love.  Care.  The words that were breaking through to her and making her more fearful of her reactions.  "Stop saying that!"  

"Go! Just go!' she begged internally.  

Incredibly it appeared he understood and he moved away from her , walking toward the door.   He was leaving.  She felt a sense of relief until he said his final words.  "Goodbye,  Soi.  When we meet in future I will be mindful that there is nothing between us, not even the semblance of friendship."

He left, closing the door firmly behind him and left her staring at the door.

What had happened?  Why had he said that?  

Soi finally let her emotion loose and she cried, quietly, not wishing her grief to be noticeable to anyone.  The latest disaster was her own doing and there was nothing she could think of which might reconcile them.  


A.N.

Toshiro made his own decision in this chapter.  The plan was for a full reconciliation but he'd walked out the door before it was possible.  

My life is under as much control as the characters is stories.

The soundtrack is all Australian this time.

Soundtrack

'Let's Get Married' Celibate Rifles

'The Girl of My Dreams is Giving Me Nightmares' Machine Gun Fellatio

'I Love You But...' Friendly

'I Ain't Going To Eat Out My Heart Anymore' Divinyls

'We're All No One' Nervo


Review.  Reviews some times amuse.