Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Identified ❯ Chapter 3

Chapter Three - Never Meant to Belong -

Renji sighed as he tried to figure out what had happened to Ichigo. The red head pondered how could someone possibly be able to rape Ichigo? Renji mentally slapped himself from the stupidity of the question. Of course it was possible. It had happened before. How Ichigo let it happen to him a second time was beyond Renji and decided he'd have to interrogate the boy when he calmed down a bit.

Renji gasped out of surprise when he felt two arms wrap around him tightly. Ichigo had death grip on Renji and pressed his head on the shinigami's back.

“Don't leave me, Renji. Please…” Ichigo whimpered. “I don't want to be left alone.”

Renji felt his stomach drop from the desperation he heard in Ichigo's voice. He sounded so fragile, so hurt, and so very broken.

“Don't worry, Ichigo,” Renji began. “I'm not going anywhere.”

His voice came out a little bit softer than he intended to but he knew Ichigo had heard him for he finally let go. He turned around to see the boy roughly rubbing away the tears from his eyes that seemed to never cease. He was fully clothed (of course), wearing a loose fitting shirt and black sweat pants. Renji saddened at the sight of seeing Ichigo look so unlike himself; so broken and helpless. Without thinking he pulled Ichigo into a tight embrace.

“I won't let you out of my sight, okay?”

Ichigo's eyes widened for a second when he was suddenly pulled into the hug and heard Renji say that before relaxing into the warm and protective like embrace.

“Do you… promise?” Ichigo asked even though he knew it was unnecessary. He knew Renji was man of his word and had no doubt that Renji meant what he said. But Ichigo just had to make sure. He needed reassurance; he needed to hear Renji promise him.

The red headed shinigami tightened his grip around the smaller boy. “I promise, Ichigo.”

Ichigo tried not to cry again and fisted some of Renji's shirt as he pressed his orange head against the others chest. Ichigo felt so weak and desperate and the thought of having to rely on someone else made him feel as though he were some kind of pathetic creature. Ichigo simply wasn't used to the feeling of having someone protecting him. It was always the other way around. He was supposed to be strong and tough but his pride was crumbling quickly. Despite himself, he began to sob again. He couldn't help but cry and it served to worsen the self loathing he had growing inside him.

Renji was only able to hold Ichigo tighter when he felt Ichigo trembling slightly. The teen stood in Renji's arms and cried. Renji had never seen Ichigo in such a way and it hurt him. But there was nothing he could do, or a word he could say that could ease Ichigo from his suffering. He just held him in his arms until the boy's crying died down to soft sniffles and occasional hiccups.

By this time Ichigo had finally loosened up his grip on Renji's shirt and just kept a soft hold on it while his head was still buried in Renji's chest.

“I'm sorry…” Ichigo apologized, his voice slightly raspy yet almost a whisper. Opening red eyes he didn't know where closed, Renji looked down at still damp orange hair. “I don't know what to do… I'm so pathetic.”

“Ichigo...” Renji pushed said boy out of the embrace gently and held his shoulders. “Don't say things like that when it's not true.”

“Renji…” Ichigo shook his head as he rubbed his face out of frustration and to rid the tears that were already building up in his eyes again. “I'm acting childish… I shouldn't have…” he trailed of, his voice becoming shaky with the last few words.

“Ichigo, don't be stupid,” Renji frowned. The only way for Ichigo to understand something was if it was said in plain English (or Japanese?) “So you're just a little upset and paranoid because something bad happened, right? And when bad things happen people seek you for support. Now that you're in a bad situation, you need a little help. I just happened to be around.”

“But Renji…”

“Ichigo, don't be foolish and just accept the help. The help I rarely ever give to you.”

Ichigo looked up and saw Renji flash him a reassuring smile.

“Besides,” Renji let go of Ichigo shoulders and ruffled his hair a little, “I owe you.”

Ichigo averted his eyes in uncertainty. What he was uncertain about Renji didn't know but it seemed like he was contemplating on weather or not he could trust Renji. Ichigo looked back at Renji with glassy eyes still in need of reassurance.

“I don't know… I shouldn't…. I-I….” Ichigo stopped talking and looked away, thinking hard of what he wanted to say.

“Ichigo, don't worry about anything. Just trust me, okay?”

Ichigo's brown eyes looked back to meet with Renji's red ones and saw the insecurity reflected in Ichigo's eyes that pulled at Renji's heart. After a moment Ichigo finally nodded. “Alright.”

“Good,” Renji smiled sympathetically at Ichigo for a second before his smile completely disappeared with a sigh and prepared for the worst and hardest part. “So you ready to tell me what happened?”

A look of dread spread across Ichigo's face and he lowered his head. “Not really…”

Renji sighed deeply before taking hold of Ichigo's arm and leading him back inside his room. “You're going to tell me exactly what happened even if it takes you all night,” the red head said as he waited for Ichigo to sit on his bed. Ichigo nodded and sat on the bed very slowly, wincing.

“Ichigo…” “Don't!”

Renji blinked and stared wide eyed at Ichigo who struggled to get comfortable. “I'm fine.”

“But—“

“Renji please…”

The shinigami backed down and took a seat opposite of Ichigo on his bed. The boy shifted a bit, his face written with discomfort, until he found a comfortable position that left him feeling less pain. Both boys sat on opposite ends of the bed, facing each other but not exactly making any eye contact.

Renji folded his legs and sat in silence for some time until the substitute shinigami finally spoke. “So what exactly do you want to know?” Ichigo asked reluctantly.

“What exactly happened to you.” Renji answered.

Ichigo took a nervous and shaky breath and before burying his face in his hands. Renji sat there and watched Ichigo for few minutes, waiting for the boy to tell his story. He knew that Ichigo didn't want to talk about it but knowing what has been happening in the shinigami's life was the only to help him, even if the boy took until the next night to tell him. So Renji sat there and waited.

“Renji… I really don't know what happened,” Ichigo finally said. “It all happened so fast… I don't even know where to start….”

“Wherever you want to, Ichigo,” Renji said. “I'm listening.”

Ichigo sighed and dropped his hands to rest on his lap and kept his head down. Taking a deep breath, he finally spoke.

“…Like I said, I don't know what exactly happened… I was just taking shower, and my mind was somewhere else…. I wasn't paying any attention until it was too late. Someone had found their way to me… and….. and…” Ichigo voice broke a little for the last words were too hard to say.

“…raped you,” Renji finished and saw that Ichigo had winced when he heard those words. Ichigo nodded and continued.

“I don't understand how I couldn't sense him…. I couldn't even defend myself… and I let it happen to me again….”

Renji's tattooed eyebrows furrowed. “'again'?” he questioned though he already knew.

Ichigo let out a shaky breath, “I was…..raped before... back in the Seiriete. It was two weeks ago. I don't even know what happened…. I was….. I was weak and I couldn't even fight back… I literally let him have his way with me. I did nothing when I know I should've…. I just…. I don't know.”

Ichigo stopped to wipe away the tears he just realized were falling again and sniffled. “I didn't know what to do Renji…” He sobbed softly.

Renji felt a sudden overwhelming rush of guilt. He realized that this was his entire fault. He was the start of Ichigo's suffering. The thought of how Ichigo must of felt, how must've he reacted, how he had been agonizing for the past two weeks made Renji realize how badly he had hurt the one he loved.

“I… started Ichigo's misery. It's all my fault he's like this. I'm the cause of his pain.”

He watched Ichigo who was crying for the umpteenth time already. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do, to comfort Ichigo. He knew that the boy was oblivious to the fact that the man who raped him the first time was sitting right in front of him and at that moment Renji decided that it was best for Ichigo never to know truth.

So he continued to act as though he knew nothing of it.

“Was it the same person?”

Ichigo shook his head. “No… I don't even know who either of them were…. They refused to let me see them. And both times I couldn't read their raietsu.”

Renji made a sound of acknowledgment and waited for the other male to continue.

“I... I don't know…. I don't think I want to know who they are…”

Renji's eyes widened, caught of guard by what Ichigo had said, “What? Wait a minute, why not?”

“I'd rather just forget about it, Renji. I….” Ichigo had taken in another breath. “I… know they are both shinigami and they both know who I am. No doubt that they must be someone I know and probably care about. I don't want to hurt someone I thought of as a friend, a war buddy, someone I trust my own life with even though they have hurt me.” Ichigo sighed and looked up at Renji, his eyes full of sadness. “Do you understand what I'm trying to say?”

Renji slowly nodded and averted his eyes from Ichigo. “Yeah… I get where you're coming from.”

Ichigo sighed and hung his head again. “I wouldn't know what to do….”

Renji sighed depressingly. This pained Renji. He couldn't stand seeing Ichigo like this. Renji was overwhelmed by the intense flaring of his emotions. He didn't know what to do. His one and only was hurt and broken but there really wasn't much he could do for Ichigo considering he was part of the boy's pain. He knew that staying there and comforting Ichigo, getting close and healing the new wounds as well as the old ones, would only serve to worsen the situation and only be harder on both him and Ichigo in the end if Renji ever decided to reveal the truth.

But the fact that Ichigo was still his friend, the fact that Ichigo so desperately needed help, and the fact that Renji loved the boy, kept him from leaving. Renji's mind was telling him—no, screaming at him—to just leave and forget about everything and let someone else take the responsibility of comforting him.

“But he is my responsibility. I hurt him and I have to fix that. If I really do love him… I should've just told him instead of starting this whole mess and maybe… things wouldn't have gotten so bad for Ichigo.”

He snapped out of his thoughts when Ichigo began sobbing again. Renji felt utterly and completely guilty.

“I don't know what to do, Renji,” he cried. “I'm so confused!”

Renji instantly moved so that he was sitting beside Ichigo and wrapped his arms around the smaller teen, bringing him close so that the substitute shinigami could cry on his shoulder.

“It's alright Ichigo… I won't let anything happen to you again…” Renji said soothingly as he rubbed Ichigo's back to calm him down. “… I promise.”

Ichigo fisted Renji's shirt again and clinged on to him as he cried.

…Don't worry about anything… just trust me…

Renji's words echoed in Ichigo's mind and he eventually started to calm down.

I won't let you out of my sight… I promise…

Ichigo finally relaxed and shifted so that he was more comfortable sitting in between Renji's legs while being held closely in his arms and rested his head on Renji's chest. He sighed as he snuggled closer (without even realizing it) and felt Renji gently tighten his protective hold.

For some odd reason, Ichigo felt as though this was right.

I won't let anything happen to you again…

“Thank you… Renji…” Ichigo said softly as sleep was slowly overtaking him.

Renji couldn't help but smile.

---