Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Justice is Blind ❯ Chapter Three ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three

 

Izuru didn't want to admit it, but he could understand how the rumours had started . . .

 

He'd always been quite a happy person, always looking at life with a fresh perspective that even most children seemed to lack, finding beauty in all that was around him and relishing in the most simplistic of moments. He loved to write, always jotting down haikus that came to mind or ideas for stories, he loved to study and work hard, constantly trying to improve his kido and techniques, and even with the most difficult of chores he'd tried to find some bright side, just one good thing in the bad to help get him through it.

 

He'd often been accused of having a childish optimism and naivety, and perhaps being brought up as a lesser noble he had been sheltered, oblivious to the troubles of the world around him and the pain people went through, but was that a bad thing? Izuru hadn't wanted his world tainted with bad thoughts or negativity. What good would it have done to know about the suffering in the Rukongai or the forced marriage of some of the high-ranking nobility? These were things he could not change, that would happen regardless, and to acknowledge them was to feel the pain of the people who suffered through them, and for himself to suffer in empathy when nothing could be done seemed foolish to him. He already had an innate depression, a tiny inkling that maybe he wasn't good enough, handsome enough, talented enough, and to start allowing himself to entertain negative concepts would perhaps push those tiny doubts into full-blown depression. He appeared cocky at times, confident at others and he always knew he strengths and laughed off hardships, and that was the way he always wanted to be: happy. He didn't want to be stressed, sad, angry or anything else, and so he did his best to stay sheltered, to stay locked in his private world, refusing to let real matters affect him. That was the way he wanted to be. Truthfully, who else wouldn't want to live the same way?

 

Even after his parents death he still held onto his childish optimism and joyful attitude, attending their grave as often as he could to give updates on his life and reassure them that everything was going well. Of course he had grieved over them, crying and screaming into the night, desperate to have them back somehow so that they could be with him once again. He needed his mother's gentle hugs, his father's stern guidance, he needed to be looked after and nurtured and most of all to tell them how much he loved them and appreciated them . . . but he could only grieve so long. His parents loved him, adored him and worshipped him as their only son. They would not have wanted to see him sorrowful or remorseful, they would have wanted him to excel in life and do well, and so - for their memory - he let go, keeping their memories but letting the pain slip away, so that he could move on and live a life that would make them proud. He would not let them down.

 

In the Soul Academy he'd done his best to make friends, to be sociable, to strive to achieve the very best he could whilst protecting his kohai and making proud his sempai. He knew that although Renji, Momo and he were walking separate paths, going to different places, leading different lives . . . that they shared a fundamental connection. They were friends, they were family, they held a love and respect for each other that could not be broken by any distance, and no matter what divisions or positions they would end up in they would still share that loyalty, trust and affection that only those who knew the value of friendship could. Sure at time his confidence waned, a small flicker of insecurity permeating his expression, realising that Renji with his lively attitude would always be centre of attention or that Momo with her skills would never be out of a job . . . It wasn't that he was jealous, in fact he was truly happy for them, but it made him doubt himself and wonder if he was truly capable of what they were, if he'd ever be able to command respect, attention or even to make friends with others as an equal to them. He wanted to be like his friends, strong and brave, loved and loving, but could he? Somewhere - deep inside - he doubted he could . . .

 

He had heard it said that in a child's development, around the toddling stage, that became the time in which the personality became set, that the elements of both nature and nurture came together to create an individual, a human of free thought and beliefs, a being that although small was unique and one of a kind. If that was so then surely his personality upon leaving the Soul Academy was a reflection of what he had always been? Surely even as an infant he had the elements of a depressive personality, the doubts and sometimes feelings of insecurity he had in the Academy stemming from an inherent disposition to melancholy? Maybe they were simply dormant, released when a trigger came along to set such feelings into motion? Maybe it was a form of destiny or karma that had moulded him into what he was today?

 

He could remember perfectly his time in Squad Four. He could remember each and every moment he spent in Squad Five. He could remember the moment he had began work as lieutenant for Ichimaru Gin . . .

 

In both Four and Five he remembered being happy, lively and not too far from how he had been growing up, but the moment he had entered Squad Three things began to change, he had began to become a shadow of his former self. Of course that was partly because it was nothing like he expected, the members of the squad had an inherent mean-spiritedness not unlike that of Squad Eleven, albeit less violent, and no matter what he did or how he acted he'd found himself the butt of most pranks. It wasn't as if he couldn't fit in with his men at all, and often he'd willingly play a part in some jokes and often laugh with them as opposed to being laughed at, but over all he'd always felt like an outsider, and he doubted anyone seriously respected him. Every single other lieutenant commanded respect, had their entire squad looking up to them and going to them for advice and support, but Kira -? He had a feeling that if it weren't for Gin no one would obey him at all, that they'd openly question his abilities and decisions, he was certain of it! It wasn't that they disliked him as such, but they just didn't see him as seated officer material, and frankly he didn't blame them. He doubted his own abilities to lead most days, who didn't? The only person who ever seemed to trust him was Gin.

 

Gin . . . There was a riddle in itself. Sometimes he actually thought the captain had complete faith in his abilities, seeing him as a strong and capable lieutenant, and other times he thought the captain merely chose him because of his submissive personality, knowing that in his undying loyalty he could be toyed and played with like nothing more than a doll . . .

 

He was quick to notice the discrepancy in workload between himself and other lieutenants. The moment he began work in Squad Three his desk had been piled with papers, some that he always thought were meant to be the responsibility of the captain, and the more he worked the more work he seemed to get in return. It was like the pile of papers on his desk never seemed to go down, he'd reduce one pile and immediately a stack of new papers was heightening it, obviously because the captain was dumping work onto Izuru. Some nights he'd stay hours after work, on his days off he'd sometimes be at work all day trying to catch up, and then - . . . then there were the games too. He was sure that was what they were: games. Sometimes he'd finish his entire workload and sag in relief only for his captain to come in with `urgent' work and give him an hour to do it, sometimes he'd urgently need help from his captain only to find him in a convenient `captains' meeting', and other times he'd find papers missing from his desk - assume they must have been handed in - only to have them mysteriously reappear moments before he was ready to leave for work. It wasn't only that but his captain would tease him mercilessly too! At times he'd lean right into Kira's personal space as if to kiss him only to laugh and pull away, at other times he'd act infuriated or pissed off only to respond with `I lied' and walk away with a laugh, and at others he'd make a spacey, vague comment offhand which he expected to be taken as a `demand'. Izuru never knew what to think, what to expect or just what his captain thought or wanted! It nearly drove him to insanity.

 

Needless to say that the doubts he had all his life came back full force. Was it just that he wasn't capable at his job? Did his captain just not like him? Was he too redundant to simply understand their social interactions? Was he not powerful enough as a lieutenant to keep up with his new role? It was perhaps all the work stress that brought about his new depression. He soon found himself despondent, tired with life and no longer excited by the things he used to love, feeling inferior and weak, relying on even the slightest and smallest of praises and smiles from his captain to get him through the day, almost as if one compliment could make up for a week of pain. He was drinking more with Shuhei-Sempai, drinking more with Rangiku-san, drinking more with Renji . . . in fact he was just plain drinking more than usual, full stop. It wasn't a healthy way to cope, but what else was there? He wasn't doing drugs, sleeping about promiscuously, smoking, cutting or planning suicide, so surely the occasionally drink of sake wasn't too bad? He was also starting to think maybe Gin was doing this on purpose, breaking him down in order to mould him into a needy, dependent man who would ask `how high' when Gin said `jump' just to get a pat on the back. No, Gin wasn't that cruel, and how could he even think that of his captain for even a moment? He couldn't think those things. It wasn't right!

 

Still, that wasn't even the crazy part - oh no - what was crazy was that this was the man he'd chosen to have a relationship with. Yes, although he couldn't admit it aloud he'd began to see Gin privately, their relationship physical as well as emotional, and most likely well outside the rules of the Gotei Thirteen, although he'd yet to check to see if they were allowed to date or not.

 

He couldn't remember how it began, but all he knew was that one day he was `Kira-Fukutaichou', the next `Kira-kun' and then after than `Izuru-kun'. He remembered talking after hours with his captain about work, later talking casually about life, then the next time actually meeting him outside of work just to talk about things, and before he knew it they'd become a `couple'. They spent months in each others company, secretly of course, talking about everything and anything, just bonding in those precious few moments, and when it did finally become physical it was nothing like Kira had expected . . . Gin seemed - if Kira were to be honest - rather sadistic, cruel and quite manipulative, and although Kira had practically zero experience with physical matters he'd expected that nature to seep through into the bedroom, but it hadn't. Gin was soft, gentle, spending more time on foreplay and kind words than the act itself, and when it was all done he'd refuse to let Kira go, holding him tightly and whispering `Izuru' over and over like a mantra, until he'd finally fall asleep and Kira was able to sneak away to clear up.

 

When he thought about it that was probably one of the things that had driven him to insanity. Gin acted so kind, loving, innocent, gentle and warm in their lovemaking, and outside of the office he'd listen for hours in silence to each and every word Kira had to say, but yet it still didn't feel like he was actually loved . . .

 

Gin had yet to say the words `I love you', perhaps thinking that it was obvious enough through his actions alone, or perhaps simply not feeling the emotions, but either way it left Kira wondering just what Gin did feel, what he really did think. Did he love Kira but simply had yet to say it, or did he feel indifferent to Kira and avoid those words so as not to lie to him? He just wanted to know. He just wanted to know where he stood and what it all meant, he just wanted to feel loved and if he was then to know it! What did love mean if it was secret even from the person of your affections?

 

That wasn't the only thing Gin had yet to tell him. Gin listened to him attentively but not once had he ever discussed his past, avoiding the subject as if it were of no importance, as if it didn't shape the man into who he was today. He knew that Gin and Rangiku-san had met in their childhood, that they were friends even today, but he'd yet to find out how they'd met or why, it was something kept from him as if it were a cherished secret that couldn't be let out lest the memory of it be ruined. Was there a reason he couldn't know where Gin had come from, how he'd became lieutenant and then captain, how he shared such a strange relationship with Aizen or learnt how to subdue a man as strong as Zaraki-Taichou? If they were lovers then why were there secrets, why couldn't Kira learn and understand the truth about Gin, about every facet of his personality? Perhaps Gin simply distrusted him, but it seemed more than that, it truly did . . . Kira had revealed secrets to his captain that no one else knew about, he could trust his captain to bail him out of any place, at any time, for any reason and yet the silver-haired man could not repay that. If only he could ask his friends for advice or simply for their opinions, what would they say? Would they say he was being used for his body, that the captain clearly didn't trust him with his mind and heart, obviously using him as he saw fit? Or would they see something that he couldn't, telling him to be patient because all would soon be revealed and there was certainly love there, albeit secret and yet naked to the eye?

 

Could he be faulted for sometimes wondering if he was being used? His captain would treat him like with such gentleness outside of work it was almost as if he was a newborn babe, a creature in need of nurturing and protecting, and the way he embraced Kira so firmly as he nuzzled his head deep into his lieutenant's neck, it was almost possessive and desperate, as if afraid of letting go. So why was it that affection bled away by morning, leaving him at work drained of all the love that seemed replenished by nightfall? Why was it during the day he was treated as a joke, mocked and teased and ruthlessly made fun of, forced to do chore after chore after chore as if he were still a member of Squad Four?

 

Did Ichimaru Gin love him or hate him? Was he respected as an officer or secretly mocked as a man? Most of all if even Kira himself could not know the answer, how could they expect anyone else to? How could anyone ever hope to understand a love that even Kira could not? It was no wonder there were such allegations of abuse, because for all the signs and symptoms surely that was what it was? There were no bruises, no beatings, no rapes, no neglect, no burns and yet his heart still ached, his heart was still twisted and played with like an object or a toy, and he would perhaps never know where he stood . . . Was that not an abuse in itself? Wasn't it a sin to bully someone in such a way, to make them doubt their very being? Wasn't that abuse?

 

Most of all was it any wonder that when he heard those words - `we need to talk' - he was filled with dread and fear? He could only hope his captain was finally addressing the rumours that Izuru knew had been flying, because if he was leaving him . . . if he'd decided that Izuru finally wasn't worth it . . . the pain would be truly unendurable, something inexpressible, and something he doubted he'd ever truly be able to run from, hide from, or leave behind.

 

“Yo, Izuru? Ya home? Ya lookin' a bit spaced out there.”

 

Izuru visibly flinched at those words.

 

He looked up to see his captain softly closing his office door behind Rangiku-san, hearing it click shut as Gin looked over to him with his mocking smile somewhat gone for the most part, replaced with a look of almost curiosity and sadness. His eyes had softened, his silver hair falling in a slightly boyish way over his forehead, his lips pouting a little even though he retained a faint trace of a smirk. It was hard to tell if his captain was amused, curious, angry or sad, and perhaps he wanted it that way, perhaps he wanted to keep Izuru on his toes in fright, who was to say?

 

“I'm sorry, Captain,” Izuru murmured slightly, looking away so as not to appear too forward with his eye-contact, “I - I was merely wondering what it is you wanted to talk about. It - it's just I don't remember - I mean I didn't - if it's about -.”

 

“Ah! Calm down, Izuru-kun, I ain't here to chastise ya, I just wanted to know if you'd heard about the rumours? They saying I been abusing ya, it's a bit hard to swallow, ya know? I always thought I'd been a good captain myself.”

 

“Oh! You have, Ichimaru-Taichou!”

 

“Then why are those friends a' yours spreading rumours? I can't imagine they'd say nothing for no reason.”

 

Izuru could feel his heart racing powerfully in his chest, each heartbeat echoing in his eardrums as loud as Ichimaru's voice itself. His hands felt rather clammy, his head felt light like it was void of blood altogether, and his mouth felt dry like it'd been filled with cotton balls.

 

This - this was so stupid! Gin was never abusive to him, never cruel or nasty, and yet every time the man seemed to be verging on anger Izuru could do nothing but hunch his body as small as it could go, curling his shoulders in on themselves as if to hide, his eyes shimmering as if with unshed tears! If part of it stemmed from Gin's mysterious nature, the inability to truly judge or understand him, then shouldn't he trust his lover and his captain enough to know that - no matter what - he would never be hurt? Yet it was hard to fully trust someone when that person could clearly not trust you back, hiding things from you as if you were too beneath them to know, and not only that but he needed Gin. It was immature to admit it but he did! The thought of angering the person he loved, of possibly losing them, it hurt him, it hurt him so much that his body shook under his uniform, his knees wobbling under his hakama. It was because Gin was so secretive, mysterious and untrusting of him that he never knew what the man felt, always wondering if one day he would leave him, always desperate to make him happy in order to give him reason to stay. How could he not be afraid, never knowing where the relationship was going or if today would be the day that Gin would end it? He shouldn't need someone like this, he shouldn't depend on them like this, but damn it Gin had done this to him, made him so desperate for the other that it felt as though he couldn't so much as breathe without his captain by his side. It wasn't healthy but he couldn't help it, he just couldn't!

 

“I - I think they're just worried, Captain.” Kira said, biting his lip. “They confronted me several times with accusations, asking me to - to - to confess things to them, but - but I told them none of it was true! It's just - I've . . . I've changed since my time here and I think they . . . I think they blame you, Captain.”

 

“Really? Do you blame me, Izuru-kun?”

 

Izuru dared a glance up to his captain. Gin seemed to have lost the mirth in his features, the sadism in his smile, and yet his eyes were still slits and his mouth still turned upwards into a grin. It should be impossible to wear that expression with a sense of severity and solemnity, but he did, somehow he managed to appear concerned despite wearing a mask that spoke of joy.

 

“Captain?” Izuru asked softly, confused by the question.

 

“I think they're right to blame me,” Gin said in his usually melodic tone, “Ja! In fact I know they're right to blame me, `cause if it weren't for me you'd still be that Kira ya used to be, wouldn't you?”

 

“Captain, I really don't follow . . .”

 

“Don't worry, I know ya must hate me for it, or even resent me just a little bit,” For a second Gin's smile seemed to vanish into a sad expression of regret, his eyes opening just a moment revealing a hint of red before closing again, “But I can promise ya - no matter what ya think or will think - I ain't changed ya on purpose, `fact I've always tried to keep ya the same. I never meant to make ya so depressed, ya know?”

 

Izuru wasn't sure what to think or feel.

 

He was gazing at his captain with a slight furrow in his features, confused and somewhat worried by what Gin meant. It was rarely, if ever, that the older man shared his thoughts and feelings with Kira, or perhaps with anyone at all, always choosing to hide behind an act of sarcasm, manipulation and obvious lies. To see him even for a second bear his soul, whatever kind of soul that may be, was both heart-warming and terrifying. It seemed to forebode something ill or bad, because what reason had a man so secretive to bear himself to someone unless it was the end, a goodbye, an apology, a one last look before something catastrophic occurred? He had often heard from Rangiku that the few times Gin had opened his eyes, lost his smile, gave her such a soft and sincere look, were the times he'd left with the intent to never return, or the rare and impossible times he'd thought he'd wronged her. Was this one of those rare moments, a moment in time where Gin sought to leave or where he'd done a great ill? Was he truly planning on leaving Kira, or hurting him in some way to warrant an expression of regret and pain?

 

That wasn't even what worried Kira the most. It was the words themselves, the apology that he had never meant to change Kira, never meant to mould him into the man he was or warp him into something he was not. It had been like Gin had read his mind, seeing his deepest and darkest thoughts, and because of that he felt unable to offer any reassurance such as `it's not your fault' or `I don't blame you', because truthfully he did. He did blame Gin for that one thing, but how was Gin to notice? It surely wasn't even something that warranted an apology, because surely Kira himself was like water, a person who changed and adapted to suit his contained, changing his very shape to the thing that held him? If he changed for Gin it was because it was his nature to do so, because he wanted to do so and so how could he blame Gin? In fact if anything he needed to thank Gin, thank him for holding him so well and offering him comfort in his darker hours, and so surely his thoughts had been wrong, his blame misplaced, and so what was Gin truly apologising for, what was it he truly felt?

 

His confusion was eating upon his soul. He felt indecisive, a mass of contradictions, one minute blaming the man but the next forgiving him for a sin he hadn't even committed, and yet this was always the case. He'd always been overly cautious, exploring every possible avenue of options, trying to analyse a scenario as best as he could, and so was it any wonder with a man as mysterious as Gin he found himself doubting himself at every possible moment? Each time he thought he'd finally came one step closer to understanding Gin, to working him out, to fully trusting him, Gin would do something to contradict his every thought and theory and pull the rug out from under him, leaving him back at square one with the mystery that as his captain.

 

“It isn't your fault, sir,” He said with a genuine smile of his own, “I'm who I am today because it's in my nature to be this way. The very insignia of our division is that of `despair', it's more destiny that made me this way than your own doing.”

 

“Nah, that ain't true.”

 

Gin looked at him for a long moment. His eyes were back to being slits and a smile was once more back upon his features, and yet there was something sad and lost in his looks, an expression that spoke of sadness and regret, a pain so deep within that it was impossible to keep buried, a pain that was forced to mar his features and jade his smile.

 

It was a rare look indeed, making Kira worry and instinctively raise his hand as if to reach out for his captain and lover, although he could do nothing but let it hover in mid-air, too scared of reaching out lest his touch wasn't wanted, terrified in case Gin would pull away . . . Why was it that even now his first thoughts were on his captain? Why was it that any time he seemed to feel pain of his own, depression or even despair, his own thoughts went straight out to others? He'd always consider the feelings of Momo, Renji and his captain . . . but never his own. Did he instinctively worry that his own actions may cause trouble for others, or was it something built into him over the years, something telling him that he just wasn't as important, that his own feelings didn't matter? Even now he wanted to simply feel that disappointment that came with not being trusted, the stress at being overworked, and instead of allowing himself to ride through the emotions he instead worried over his captain - his captain who had brought his own pain upon himself! Did it make him a good person or a fool? Then again it probably didn't matter which, because no matter what his loyalty would always lie with Gin, he'd always feel the urge to reach out and touch, because it was his duty to lighten the man's load and his own desire to reassure him in tough times.

 

He fell back against the captain's desk, sitting on its edge, and lowered his hand against his breast, cradling it as if it'd been burnt by the air itself or cut by the sudden silence that lay between them. It was all he could do not to walk over to his lover and wrap his arms around him, but at work surely they must be professional? Even if they could act themselves, would Gin even want his touches or kind words, wouldn't he prefer some distance or solitude? It was hard to know what to do or what words to say, and so he settled for just sitting quietly and patiently, letting his captain lead the way however he saw fit. He kept his head bowed low, his face twisted into a frown, wondering just where things would go or what his captain had to say, because it was clear that Gin held guilt over something and whatever that something was had to be serious - serious enough to cause his smile to falter.

 

His eyes were so downcast he didn't even see Gin walking to his side until his captain was already there. The sudden touch of Gin's long, thin fingers on his chin jolted him out of his thoughts, the cold skin shocking his own as they pulled his head upwards, forcing him to make eye contact. It wasn't an intimate gesture as such - Gin often touched him in public, along with others he deemed as low-ranking subordinates - but to have Gin's own face inches from his, there's lower legs touching up to the knees, their bodies only a foot apart . . . it just felt so intimate, so close. It felt like he was leaning into Gin, or that Gin was lifting his mouth for a kiss, but that seemed to be far from what the older man had intended because his face was so serene and serious, an expression of pity and pain, his tone of voice before implying there were more words to come. It was a moment he could almost get lost in, and yet it was had to forget the seriousness of the allegations, or that there was something most obviously weighing upon Gin's mind . . .

 

“Ya goin' hate me, Izuru-kun,” Gin whispered softly, leaning in closer so that his breath ghosted upon Kira's lips, “But I got t' be honest wi' ya, cause I don't think I'll be able to live wi' myself if I'm not.”

 

Kira swallowed hard. He could tell by the sudden seriousness that this was going to be something important, vitally so, because how often did the silver-haired prankster ever say anything in such a serious tone? It was rare moments indeed where he ever showed even a care in the world, even when defeating hollows or killing enemies he still wore a smile as bright as any star, and so to see him so serious gave a heavy weight to his words. His accent seemed thicker than before too, a very subtle trait that Kira had noticed occasionally, something that only seemed to occur when in what Gin deemed a very private setting or one in which he sought to manipulate his audience, making them think of him as nothing but an unintelligent, Rukongai boy. All in all it had Kira worried because he had no idea what it all meant, and a part of him was terrified to the core that Gin might leave him.

 

“All this bullin' and teasin',” Gin said in his ever so light-hearted tone, “All the extra work ya get made to do, and the games I play . . . I've been doing it t' ya on purpose, Izuru-kun. I kind o' wanted to break ya, make ya leave me . . .”

 

“W-What! Why?”

 

Already he could feel his heart breaking, his soul felt like it'd been broken in two at the thought the person he so loved and respected was trying to hurt him. It didn't make sense, what reason did Gin have to push him away like that? True Kira had never been the strongest, the most confident or the most handsome . . . but did that make him a bad lover, a bad lieutenant? He'd always considered himself hard working, loyal, dedicated, not handsome but certainly not ugly, and strong enough to last in many battles . . . but - but was that not good enough? Was he not good enough for Gin? Oh, he should have expected it really, after all Ichimaru was incredibly powerful in strength, handsome to a fault, with a larger-than-life personality and the rank of captain, what reason had someone like that to fall in love with someone like him? It explained why Gin had never been able to say the words, never been able to confess, because he didn't feel love for his partner, and perhaps he didn't feel anything at all . . . It wasn't as if Gin ever fully trusted him, as if the older man ever told him about his life or his past, as if he was ever willing to be public with their relationship, and now it all made sense. Gin didn't love him. He was trying to get rid of him, trying to push him away.

 

It seemed that suddenly Gin's fingers on his chin seemed all the colder, the very touch burning him as it reminded him of just how he'd let himself be used, and how foolish he was because - if given the choice - he'd let it continue. He still loved Gin, still desired him and wanted him, still respected him and needed him, Gin was his world and everything he'd aspired to be, and a man who was a powerful role model that he had hoped would one day be an equal. It shouldn't have hurt him so much . . . not when he'd seen it coming . . . but it did. It hurt. He'd felt like he'd lost a part of his heart, a part of his soul, that a very piece of his identity had been ripped from him, because without Gin he didn't know where he stood or who he was. He'd always depended on Gin, always looked to him for guidance and stability, and now that had been taken from him, leaving him with an empty feeling of oblivion deep inside his chest. It was a feeling not unlike falling into a hole, feeling the abyss swallow you up as your heart gets stuck in your throat, the adrenaline like a cold shot through your blood, the ground ripped from under you as you panic and search so hard with your hands for somewhere to hold, someone to save you . . . but Kira knew no one could sae him. The only person who could pull him back up was Gin, the very man who'd just admitted to wanting rid of him!

 

The tears in his eyes felt hot and scalding, blurring his blue eyes so that his vision became nothing but a haze. He was thankful for that, thankful that the sight of the fox-faced captain was censored, because surely to look upon the face of the man you loved - knowing you could never have him - was to cause more pain than anyone could endure? He felt humiliated, betrayed, ridiculous, and yet he couldn't stop the tears from cascading down his cheeks, leaving grey trails on his pale skin, staining his flesh with visible evidence of his pain. He felt weak, he felt like a fool, he felt so stupid! He couldn't even hold back his emotions for even a moment! No wonder his captain despised him enough to bully him and mock him, to try his best to push him away. If he were Ichimaru-Taichou he'd have done the same thing . . .

 

“My, my!” Gin said as he lifted his hand to wipe away the silent tears, “Here I go an' say one little thing to ya and ya go and start blubbering, it's like ya can't do without me. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or disappointed, this comin' from my lieutenant an' all.”

 

“With all due respect, Ichimaru-Taichou, how did you expect me to react?”

 

“Ah, ya say that with such hostility! I knew you'd hate me, I told ya, didn't I? Well, I was hoping you'd at least here me out, ya know?”

 

Izuru frowned, his blue eyes narrowed in anger and pain, his mind wondering just what more could possibly be said. If Gin disliked him enough to bully him on purpose, then what else? Did he merely wish to run salt in a wound, cause more pain to Kira just to suit his own well-known sadistic temperament? If that was what he wanted then let him do it. Kira deserved it. He deserved it for trusting someone who clearly couldn't trust him, opening his heart to a man who wore too many masks for anyone to fall for the real person behind them, and - most of all - he deserved it because even now he still loved Gin . . . even now he'd give himself to Gin if the man would only ask. It was if he'd been asking to be used, begging to be manipulated and taken, and it was his own stupidity that brought it on. He had no one to blame but himself.

 

“What's left to say?” Izuru asked sadly.

 

“Like I said, I got t' explain why, ain't I?”

 

Gin gave such a bright, warm smile and spoke in such bright, cheerful tones that it made Kira sneer. He hadn't meant to visibly show his disgust but he couldn't help it, his lips seemed to curl of their own accord and his eyes squinted as he winced in pain. It was hard to see how Gin could take this so lightly, how he could smile as if this was just a joke! Maybe - maybe it was a joke to Gin, but to Kira this was serious . . . it hurt more to see his lover mock him than the actual confession itself had, it just wasn't fair for the man to make fun of him this way, it just wasn't . . .

 

“Kind a' funny really,” Gin said conversationally, “I guess those abuse accusations were true in their own way. Still, like I said, I never meant t' hurt ya, I had my reason t' do what I did.”

 

“Yes, Captain?”

 

“Ah! I really wish you'd stop crying, Izuru-kun. Ya really want ya captain to feel guilty? That's a bit mean, ain't it?” Gin quickly went on speaking, probably sensing that if he stopped to hear a reply it'd be a little more than hostile, “Well it's not like I set out t' hurt ya, in fact I only ever was mean to ya so I could protect ya, I thought if ya hated me enough that you might go away. I ain't a man ya really want t' be around, Izuru, and ya know it always hurts me to see my lieutenant hurt.”

 

Izuru really couldn't believe what he was hearing.

 

His first reaction had been a mixture of confusion and relief, confused about the logic but relieved that Gin had done nothing but put Izuru's interests first, caring about him even though his approach had been what they could define as `tough love'. His second reaction however shifted back into pain, pain laced with a hint of anger. The excuse given just seemed so flimsy, like an excuse an older lover would give to a teenage girl, `I'm doing this for you' or `You're too good for me', pathetic and empty words meant only to soothe over an inevitable hurt, words meant only to give the speaker a chance to run away but still appear the good guy. Surely Gin didn't expect Izuru to believe that this was for his own good? What, there was no other way to `protect' him than by bullying him, hurting him, pushing him to one side, all in the name of `love'? What ever happened to honesty, to words, to telling one's partner the whole truth and then - as an informed adult - letting them decide if they needed `protecting'? Izuru no longer felt used and rejected, he felt patronised and babied, like he was no more than a child who needed hollow words to make it through a harsh truth. Did his captain really think so low of him?

 

“Ah, I think I preferred it when ya were looking so down, ya were cute then,” Gin said a little too bubbly, a little too happy for Kira's liking, “Now ya look angry it kind a' scares me a little. Ya got such a sweet face, it ain't right to see ya glaring at the floor like that.”

 

“How would you rather me look, Captain?”

 

He felt so bitter inside and yet his voice sounded so weak, so despondent . . . He wanted to sound angry, infuriated and enraged -! Why was it his voice sounded that of a broken child, why did it only reflect the hurt and pain inside of him, why couldn't he express that darker emotion of despair and agony? He just wanted to lash out and yet his body was weak, exhausted, it was impossible to muster up the slightest bit of strength. He couldn't help but feel anything except pained.

 

“Captain,” He said quietly, “You just admitted you didn't want to be with me, that you were trying to push me away, and then you lie and say it was for my own good . . . How should I look? I'll follow you until the ends of the earth and I hate myself for it, I hate myself for loving you regardless and I hate myself for still wanting to be by your side even now. So why - why - can't you just tell me the truth, why do you have to pretend like this is all for my own good? What was it that I did to push you away, sir?”

 

“Izuru, it ain't like that . . .”

 

He forced himself to look into his captain's eyes, those eyes that were only inches from his own, and what he saw scared him. His captain had lost his smile, lost his mockery, lost his indifference . . . and instead he wore a serious expression, his mouth turned into a loose yet sad smile, his eyes wide so to reveal the depths of his emotions, their red irises gazing upon Kira with such sorrow he'd never before seen on his captain. It was the first time Gin had ever shown him such a naked face, one free from any act or pretence, and the emotion behind it was so raw and vulnerable that at once Kira's own anger had been stripped from him, leaving him relaxing into his lover's touch. Gin's fingers seemed to stroked around his jawbone, reaching behind his neck, and nestled themselves at the base of his head, his long digits burying themselves into the blonde's hair. It felt so soft, so sweet and so gentle . . . It was as if those harsh words had never been said.

 

“I admit at first I didn't want t' be with ya,” Gin mused, leaning down to rest his forehead against Kira's, their skin touching as their breaths became one together, each man breathing in the other's used air, “I'd requested ya as my lieutenant `cause you were kind of a pushover, I thought it'd be easy to use ya and that if I ever needed ya t' do anything it'd be a piece o' cake, cause someone like you'd never say no. I kind of liked playing games with ya too, teasing ya was so much fun! You're kind o' cute when you get al flustered . . . but it became harder to use you, harder to manipulate ya, harder to think of you as just `that blonde subordinate'.

 

“It kind o' scared me `cause the captain who recommended ya to me would have been pissed knowing that I was thinking of ya romantically, plus it was a pretty crappy time to get involved with someone. I never really planned on sticking around forever. Rangiku will tell ya that I've always been a bit o' a wanderer, going from place to place all the time. I'd never really been in love before either, didn't know what it felt like but I knew it were a waste of time. If anyone found out we'd be in trouble too, cause I'm ya superior, I ain't supposed to be dating ya really, and it's obvious that ya friends don't like me all that much . . . Ya know, captains are meant to be the strong ones, I ain't ever been like Roku-Ban-Taichou, all stern and in charge o' my emotions, and I couldn't get them to go away. I just kind o' fell more in love with ya. Ya really have no idea how cute ya are! My little Izuru-kun is just too adorable!

 

“So it was kind of stupid o' me really to start a relationship with ya. No one would approve, and it's not like I've ever been in love t' know how to act . . .” Gin paused, but Kira could feel a heavy gust of warm breath on his lips, evidence the older man had sighed, “But what I hated the most was that I really ain't going to be here forever, and I trust you enough to tell you this, ya know? I know a captain who don't trust no one, says it's stupid to trust anyone, even tells me to my face not to trust him, but I listen to him anyway cause he's my colleague, ya know? Personally I think it's stupid, `cause I know I can always trust my Izuru-kun, so I'm going to tell ya the real basics of it. One day I'm going to have to leave ya, it's going to be secret and it's going to be big and hurt ya, I'm going to probably have t' really hurt ya too . . . Apart from Rangiku no one ever loved me growing up, so now I have ya I know how much it'd hurt to lose ya, and I didn't want you to feel that pain too . . . Thought it'd be easier to push you away, you know? That way when I go it won't hurt you so much, because you'd hate me . . . You don't miss someone you hate . . .”

 

Something inside Kira almost broke at those words. There was such a mixture of emotions he couldn't quite discern one from another; pity, love, relief, pain . . . they all seemed to come together as one, merging into something indefinable and complex, making him doubt himself whilst at the same time reaffirming his love for his captain. It was nearly too much too bear, hard to express what he felt, and each time he sought for the right words none seemed to come.

 

His main feeling was that of relief, relief that his lover still cared deeply about him and that his every action had been solely for Kira's benefit. It was true he'd hurt Kira, sought to push him away, but all of that had been in the name of love, for Gin knew so well what the pain of losing someone could be that he wanted to save the person he loved that same pain, even if that meant sacrificing them in the process. He'd wanted Kira to be happy, to be free of the sorrows that abandonment brought, to never feel the solitude that always came when being deprived of company you'd grown so used to. Gin loved him, he'd shown it in such a strange way but he loved him nonetheless, and yet -?

 

How was it possible to love someone so much when they had already planned to leave you, already admitted it to you? How could Gin love him if he already admitted that he'd one day go, leaving Kira behind, forgetting him the same way he had forgotten Rangiku so many times before, discarding him as if he were an old item of fashion and a new one was to replace him? If Gin loved him - truly loved him - then he would surely be unable to leave Kira behind, even willing to risk death to stay with him or risk it all to take Kira with him? Then again, when had anyone ever truly understood Gin or his motives? The man was a mystery. It was enough to know that he was loved by Gin; enough to know that the other man thought strongly of him, and to question that further seemed almost blasphemous.

 

He loved his captain more than words could ever hope to express. He'd give his very soul for the man, risking life and limb to be just by his side, he'd even be willing to go against all his friends if it meant protecting the man whom he'd dedicated his very life, and yet it all seemed to mean nothing . . . Gin was openly declaring they had no real future, that he would one day leave and that he couldn't say why, when or how, openly telling Kira that he'd hurt him and betray him, and those were not qualities that defined love. Yet to be told of the betrayal, warned in advance . . . could that truly be called betrayal, rejection, abandonment, could it truly be deceit when the other person made no pretence to stay, made no false words or gestures, when they openly told you what they had planned? So what did that mean? Damn him. Damn him! Why did Gin have to be so mysterious, why was it even when he told the honest truth it merely opened more questions than it answered, and why was it that Kira felt nothing but a dull ache in his chest, a pain that couldn't be eased, a longing to never leave him?

 

The thought of losing Gin was a sensation like being choked, feeling hands around his throat constricting his breath, stopping him from breathing such needed air, it was a feeling of absolute fear and horror, of wondering how you could survive when your means of living was being taken away, the shock of watching it being taken away right in front of you . . . He wanted to scream but knew it'd be pointless, childish and that his captain wouldn't look fondly on it, he wanted to cry but they would surely be wasted tears, spilt over a matter he could not change. He didn't know what to do, what to say, what it would take to just stop Gin from leaving, to cleave the other man to him and keep him there! It was such a vulnerable and naked feeling, a feeling of helplessness, like a babe relying solely on its mothers support in order to survive, and to have the presence of his captain deprived from him made him feel like a babe without a mother, like someone who was forced to live alone but without the means of survival. Gin hadn't even left yet and already his heart felt empty, like it was missing a piece of a whole, like it beat but no blood flowed, it was like a black hole consuming him from the inside out, a sensation of falling, falling, falling but without a place to fall upon. He couldn't help but question over and over what he could do to make Gin stay, why Gin was leaving and - most of all - what he had done to make Gin think leaving was a viable option. He had to face facts, this had to be his fault, it had to be! If he was just a better lover, a better lieutenant, a better friend -!

 

“Ya already look so hurt, Izuru . . . It's like I've already gone . . .”

 

“That's because you have.”

 

A small tear fell down Izuru's cheek, staining a dark trail along the way and weaving a web of paths with the marks of its brothers. His blue eyes seemed almost black, a hint of the true despair that lay within his heart, and yet there was a sharpness to them that was unfamiliar, that was usually absent from Kira's expression. It was as if through his pain he'd focussed on a distant point, allowing himself to channel all his emotions upon that fixed item, venting upon it with all the blame the world could carry. If he could have channelled that pain onto something positive he may have succeeded in a number of areas, mastering anything he so wished, but Gin knew - he knew - that Kira was focussing that anger upon himself, blaming himself for events that were completely out of his control.

 

It hurt to know that Kira would find a way to punish himself, to make this somehow out to be his entire fault, and it wasn't hard to believe he'd either work himself to the bone or in a heat of depression end his life intentionally. Kira already walked a thin line, broken over the years into a man on the edge, and all he needed was one push . . . Gin truly hoped that he wouldn't be that push, that Kira's loyalty and love for his captain would stop him from doing anything too outrageous, that if he even found himself tumbling into despair he'd stop and think about Gin, holding back on any dangerous action for fear of ever hurting his captain through his own self-destructive nature.

 

“You have already gone, Gin,” Izuru whispered, finally accepting the turn of events as a final goodbye between two lovers, no longer pretending it was just an ordinary talk between two colleagues, “You may be here physically but your heart is elsewhere, you've shut it off long ago by pretending to be someone you're not, by hiding behind a smile, all in order to protect yourself . . . It's like - It's like if you don't let yourself get close to people then you won't feel the pain when you leave them, am I right, Gin? Well - pardon my tone, Captain - you have became close to people, you've became close to Rangiku and to me, and no matter what you do you'll always be in our hearts. I just hope you realise that . . . I hope that - that wherever you go that you look up at the sun and realise that for us it'll be forever dark, that they'll always be an incomplete part of us cold and lonely, waiting for you to come back . . . I hope you feel the pain that I feel now, because at least then it means you do love me, that you do care . . .”

 

“Izuru-kun . . .”

 

“It hurts now knowing only a part of you is gone,” Izuru let out a staggering breath followed by a sad smile, then gentle wiped away one of the tears that refused to cease falling from his cheek, “I don't know how much it'll hurt when all of you is gone.”

 

“Izuru . . .”

 

Kira looked up through eyes blurred with unshed tears to see Gin's expression. The older man merely smiled at him sadly, his own red eyes open and yet somehow shaped into a look pf pity and sorrow, observing him with a mixture of regret and loss. His silver-hair had fallen in an odd way, his fringe almost obscuring parts of his gaze, whilst at the same time framing his face in that same childlike way it always had, and his hand - the one that rested on Kira's neck - began to move slowly, caressing his skin gently as if to reassure him, remind him that he was still there, that he wasn't going anywhere.

 

When Gin leant down those few short inches to press his lips to his lieutenant's, Kira didn't once object. The kiss at first was chaste, innocent and merely an expression of love and apology, soft and almost feminine lips lightly stroking his own in imitation of what was to come, teasing him with a touch that was barely there, allowing him to share that moment of intimacy without it leading to more. It was almost as if Gin was kissing him goodbye . . . almost as if it was to be the last kiss they'd share . . . and Kira couldn't stand that thought, not at all. It was true things were beginning to change with Kuchiki Rukia's recent arrest, but despite Gin's confession he couldn't believe that this was it, that his lover would make such a confession and leave so soon after. Whatever happened to a lifetime, to a life well spent in each other's arms, sharing thoughts of the past and dreams of the future? Whatever happened to just plain more? Kira was greedy, he loved Gin and wanted to spend not just a fleeting period with him but a lifetime, an eternity, and - if God forbid - this were to really be their last kiss, their last time together as lovers and not just captain and lieutenant, then he wanted to make it last, make it real, make it a memory that they'd never forget, that would be forever cherished . . . How could just one chaste kiss ever be enough? How could Gin be so chivalrous at a time like this?

 

He could feel Gin pulling away, his hand slipping loose from his neck and falling slowly away from his shoulder, and just as his fingertips were about to leave his body something inside Kira broke free. His desperation, his need, his desire for nothing but his captain, that overwhelming passion that could bring two souls together, all he wanted was Gin, all he craved was Gin! It wasn't fair that the silver-haired man was leaving him, it wasn't right, it just wasn't . . . but for that one moment in time they were together, they were alone, and who could say how long it'd be until Gin left, or if they'd be another chance for something like this between them again? He couldn't just let Gin walk away now, to return to being just captain and lieutenant, and then to see Gin go, to walk away, to leave him . . . He needed more. He needed to feel loved. He needed Gin.

 

Seconds before his lover could pull fully away Kira threw his hands up, wrapping them tightly around his captain's haori. That white material wrapped itself around his fist as he used all his strength to pull Gin down towards him, then - with a firm and fast movement - he leant his head upwards and locked his lips to his shocked and surprised captain's. It seemed Gin was actually shocked by the sudden action. He'd been forced to place both palms either side of Kira, laying them flat on the wooden surface of the desk to stop himself from falling, and his mouth was wide open but without responding, his body somewhat tense as if he'd braced himself for attack. It was only after a few long seconds he seemed to realise what had occurred and responded to the gesture . . .

 

At once Kira could feel that hot length of tongue sliding into his mouth, exploring every inch of him, tasting every part of him possible to reach, almost as if it were inching its way inside him for the first ever time. Kira moaned into the kiss, moving his own tongue against Gin's as they seemed to dance together for one moment in time, each one tasting the other, feeling the roughness and yet softness the other's muscle brought. Kira could taste that wretched taste of persimmon inside his lover's hot, waiting mouth and - although it was a taste he despised - it was perfectly suited to Gin, reminding him of the unique qualities his lover held, of how perfectly different he was to anyone and everything. After so many years of practise they could move in perfect unison, their teeth no longer clashed and their lips seemed to stay locked together, saliva going nowhere but within each other. In instinct Kira spread his legs wide to accommodate his lover's body. Gin stepped forward and pressed his chest firmly against Kira's, his long and nimble fingers stroking and fondling his lover's back, moving up and down in an arrhythmic pattern, as if his very hands were too drunk with lust to know where to move next.

 

Then - just as soon as it had begun - Gin pulled his head firmly back, exposing his throat to Kira completely, his mouth open as he gasped for breath, reminding his lover that they'd head to break to breathe, each so consumed in the moment that they'd forgone vital oxygen. The look on Gin's face however was deeply erotic. His cheeks were flushed red, his lips swollen and his eyes half-lidded in lust with his pupils dilated, his gaze never once leaving Kira's face despite how he'd thrown his head back for air. Their bodies were still pressed firmly against one another, only now Kira had tentatively wrapped his legs around Gin's waist, and in return he could feel the older man hardening slightly through his hakama, an erection not quite there but on its way to being there . . .

 

“Izuru-kun! Ya so naughty today,” Gin said quite jovially, despite still panting for breath, “We're in the office, ya know someone could walk in at any moment. What if Rangiku comes back or somethin'?”

 

“I - Well - It's just -,” Kira swallowed hard and regained his bearings, “I - I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to come into your office with the doors closed, Gin . . . We - we should be okay, shouldn't we?”

 

Gin gave a bright smile as he ground his hips against Kira's, “Ya, we should be fine. I just find it kind o' odd of you to be so carefree, usually ya never let me take you unless it's in a bed . . . makes me wish we could do this more often, ya know?”

 

Kira drew in a deep breath, determined to finish this through to the end.

 

Truthfully he was shaking a little bit, terrified in case someone should walk in and see him and his captain both in the act of lovemaking, but the fear of never being able to hold his captain like this again stopped him from letting go, because if there really was to be no more to come then he wanted this to last and be worth it . . . The way Gin phrased his last sentence, that he could only `wish' there was more to come, it just made it painfully obvious this was really going to be their last time. . . It wasn't quite a goodbye, because both of them knew that they'd never truly be able to say the words, always waiting for the other to come back into their lives, even if it meant a lifetime of chastity, but to be apart for any length of time was hell to them both. They both needed this moment, both needed to express their love and sate themselves until the next time they'd be able to, if that moment should indeed ever come.

 

“Gin?” He said sadly, unable to look his partner in the eye, “Promise me one thing?”

 

“Huh? Not like you to ask for nothing either . . .”

 

“Please, please promise me that you'll never say goodbye?”

 

Even Gin couldn't smile at that . . . He knew why Kira asked, he knew because he was feeling the same thing himself. He asked because if they never said goodbye then that meant it wasn't the end, and that some day they could be together again . . .

 

“I promise, Izuru.”

 

At once Izuru let out a heavy sigh he hadn't realised he'd been holding. He wrapped his arms firmly around his lover, resting his hands on those prominent shoulder blades before lifting his mouth to Gin's long, pale neck. His kisses were soft and barely there, gentle and loving, and he made sure to kiss every inch of skin he could find, sucking at certain pressure points he knew his lover enjoyed; the hollow of his neck, the meeting of his Adam's apple with his chin, even that spot just below his ear. He nipped lightly and playfully whilst Gin's hands came slowly around to his front, squeezing their way between the two bodies pressed against one another, to undo his sash. The act was so skilful and well practised that Kira didn't even notice as the sash was removed along with Gin's, both to be dropped lifelessly to the floor.

 

Slowly Gin worked one of his hands under Kira's chin and lifted his head so that he could enter into another kiss, one that was less forceful and wild that the first but equal in its passion and double in its love, gentleness and sincerity. It was a deep kiss, one that made his jaw ache and his tongue reach its limit, and yet it was as if they couldn't get enough, as if their bodies were desperately trying to become one, to merge together into one unit. There was a heat growing deep within them both, a hint of arousal that sent shivers down Gin's spine and a tingling warmth deep within the pit of Izuru's stomach, causing him to harden and grow and lower one of his hands to slip under Gin's haori and down his back almost teasingly.

 

When his hand reached the waistband of Gin's hakama he gave a gentle push, the garment at once falling to the floor without its sash, leaving Gin completely naked to the eye, although so locked in so deep a kiss Izuru could barely see him. His eyes had swam his lover's body a thousand times though, and so he had every inch of skin memorised, so as the kiss continued he let his hand trail further down . . . A strong and harsh red blush stained his cheeks in embarrassment, one that luckily Gin couldn't see with their mouth locked to one another, but it seemed no matter how many times their bodies joined as one that Kira could never stop that rush of nervousness, that tinge of uncertainty or from reliving the feelings he had that very night he'd lost his virginity to Gin. Each time Gin took him, or he allowed his hands to explore his lover's body, it was like it was experiencing it all for the first ever time, doing it all as if it had never been done before. So, as his warm hands slid down Gin's lower back he couldn't help but moan into the kiss, partly from embarrassment but mostly from how even an action like this seemed pleasurable to him, for what could be any better than feeling Gin's flesh under his fingertips?

 

He reached down further and spread his fingers, wrapping his entire palm around that soft globe of flesh, gripping tightly so that Gin hissed into the kiss as his rear was unexpectedly massaged, forcing his member to go from half-mast to nearly vertical. Kira had even been so bold as to trace his lover's entrance with his index finger, stroking it gently but firmly, sending electric bolts through every nerve in Gin's body, making his entire body feel aflame at one of his most sensitive areas being so thoroughly acknowledged. He wanted nothing more than for Kira to slide his finger inside, or to one day take him, but with events as they were they'd never be a time for that, because this was their last time, their last moment together, little more would come. Still, he couldn't regret it, any of it, because he loved Kira, he shouldn't have but he did.

 

Gin found himself smiling into the kiss as he reached up and slid open his kosode, exposing his naked chest to the cold air. He chose to ultimately leave both his haori and kosode on however, knowing that Kira would feel better for it, because if anyone should enter their bodies would be hid from view and his little Izuru-kun would keep his modesty intact. That didn't mean though that Izuru had to wear such an item, in fact he always looked distinctly better without such garments shielding his body, and he always looked so perfect without them too. So once he'd parted his own he turned his hands and parted Kira's, before sliding his hands along the hem - making sure to brush his skin firmly against his lover's chest - before pulling the item down over broad shoulders. He paused only so Kira could move his hands away and take the item off fully, and then gasped as those hands returned and the kiss became passionate once again, free from any distractions.

 

“Izuru . . .”

 

He parted his lips away from his lover's for only a second to gasp his name, before returning back to the kiss and pushing his chest so firm against Kira's it felt as if they'd break.

 

There was that familiar sensation of hot flesh upon flesh, the feeling of Kira's smooth, white, pale skin touching his and the wonderful heat and pleasure that coursed through him because of it. He loved how Kira would wrap an arm so firmly around him, his fingers always closely examining his rib cage to make sure he hadn't lost any weight - as if Kira's own didn't matter at all - before resting his fingertips on a shoulder blade, digging his nails in any time the pleasure became too intense. He loved how Kira's other hand - for the first time ever - had taken a new path and even on its return continued its explorations, touching his hole with a deep fascination and sometimes even slipping the tip of his finger in without meaning. It all felt so good, so perfect, and - honest to God - the way Kira would break their kisses every so often to trail hot kisses along his neck, leaving love-bites on his jawbone . . . it made him so hard he could barely control himself in lust.

 

His hand snaked its way up to Kira's chest, his nails pushing in lightly enough to do no real damage but firmly enough to leave mild, pink scratches on his skin that would fade in time, strong enough to have Kira moan loudly and incoherently, causing him to bite Gin's lip in the process and making the man smile to himself before the kiss was resumed. He scratched lightly a few more times before moving his fingertips up to an already hard nipple, before he brushed the pad of his thumb firmly over the nub, before rolling it around between his fingers. The reaction was immediate. At once Kira threw back his head and let out a keening sound to the air, almost mewling as he dug his nails into Gin's shoulder and buttock, biting his own lip as he tried to fight the pleasure. When Gin only smiled some more and continued to play with the hardened nipple his little Izuru thrust hard against Gin, showing him just how hard and aroused he really was, causing Gin to stop for a brief moment, letting Kira catch his breath as he panted hard and groaned in need.

 

Kira looked up to his lover with eyes glazed over in love and lust. His body felt like it was on fire, every fibre of his being begging to be claimed and taken and used by Gin, his hands desperate for something to claw at and use. His heart was also overridden with a feeling of complete love and adoration, a sensation of calmness and pure joy at being in the arms of the man he loved, and no matter what he knew he'd never regret this moment, never regret being with his man. His eyes showed nothing but love, and his lips were turned into a warm smile that rarely was shown to anyone.

 

Gin truly could take it no more. He reached behind Kira and used his arm to sweep the desk of its entire contents, sending papers flying across the floor that would surely need to be picked up and retrieved after their lovemaking had finished, yet he didn't care, all he wanted was Kira. Gently he pushed his lieutenant down on the desktop, letting his lover's blonde hair spill about him like the halo of an angel, his knees upon the edge as his legs remained spread, his feet barely touching the floor now that he lay flat upon his back. Gin licked his lips and slowly reached out, grabbing a hold of his hakama and fundoshi before pulling them down and off and leaving his lover completely exposed and naked to sight . . .

 

Izuru was beautiful.

 

His body was such a beautiful, pale shade of white, not unlike looking at the surface of a rare, porcelain doll, something smooth and snowy that begged to be touch, something that after all this time still looked pure, innocent and virginal. There was a faint glow about him, his chest and face dusted over with a crimson blush, his ribs moving up and down with each heavy panted breath that only seemed to make his skin darken, make it glow as if he were already in the throes of pleasure. His upper, right arm graced a dark, black armband not unlike the one that Hisagi-Fukutaichou wore, evidently a gift from one friend to another, and the black seemed to be such a deep contrast on the white skin it somehow made Kira look all the more delicate, all the more vulnerable. Gin could only lick his lips at the sight his lieutenant made, admiring the gorgeous blonde hair that graced not only his head but finely sprinkled his thighs and covered his crotch, those thick curls nestled at the base of a perfectly shaped erection.

 

That was the sight he could never get tired of, the sight he loved most second only to Kira's beautiful eyes. He loved how Kira's length stood so long, so thick, almost a shame for him to have never put it inside someone really, and each time Gin saw it he'd always swallow hard and think for a moment how'd it'd feel inside him, stretching him wide and scraping his insides. He loved seeing the way it'd tap an irregular rhythm on his lover's abdomen, the entire length flushed dark with arousal and seeming to throb in need, its mushroom head already spouting its first few drops of delicious pre-come. Just below those large balls weighted down his body, adding to a certain aesthetic appeal, making Gin long to take them in his hands and play with them, to tease Kira to the point he'd be unable to wait, unable to take much more, where he'd force Gin to give in, to make love to him, to unite as one and to lie together in the afterglow. It was such a beautiful sight indeed, and the way Kira had raised his hands either side of his head, palms face up with fingers slightly curled, it was just too perfect, like he was silently begging to be ravished by his lover.

 

Gin knew they both needed to begin, both needed to get started, because this wasn't just about sating their lust, this was about expressing their love, about joining their bodies and bonding as one. They both knew they couldn't be together forever, that some time this would end, and that thought filled them both with a pain they felt compelled to mask, Gin by his cold smiles and Izuru with his sad indifference, yet always - always - they would be in each other's hearts, and that was perhaps what made it all the more painful. They needed to join this once, needed to become one, because it would express all they felt, all that they meant, and it would be a lasting reminder through all to come of just what they'd been through, of what they'd hope to experience again in the distant future.

 

With that thought in mind Gin set about expressing his love to Kira through his actions, through his soft touches and the preparation, he would do everything he could to make this an enjoyable and lasting experience for his lover. Despite his sadistic nature Gin had always been somewhat of a romantic, and Kira was definitely more of a prude than a deviant, and so there was a complete lack of lubrication in the workplace. It was a shame in a way because the last thing Gin wanted was to hurt Kira, but in another way it enabled him to be creative, to sacrifice his own comfort to make Kira's greater. So with a less that subtle smirk he decided to take things into his own hands, to be creative with the matter, and he began to do what he needed to do in order to make Kira feel good.

 

He knelt gracefully so his red eyes were at level with Kira's waiting hole and hanging balls, before draping his fingers over supple calves and stroking slowly his way up to muscular thighs, rising only slightly as he went. He stroked several times, massaging the skin, teasing Kira until he began to writhe ever so subtly, and then lifted those legs so that they hung over his shoulders, both feet touching his back and inadvertently pulling him closer, trapping him between legs and desk, forcing him to be face-to-face with the most private part of Kira's anatomy. He could see that waiting hole, stained dark around the outside and winking at him in anticipation, almost begging for his love and attention. Gin could only grin brightly before licking his lips and leaning in, before sweeping his tongue quickly over the entrance, a movement quick enough to make Kira's body jerk in a sudden wave of pleasure, but not enough to truly satisfy him in any real way . . .

 

“G-Gin!” Kira tried to sit up but at once Gin used a hand to push him back down, then licked once more at his opening, “P-Please! You - You really don't have to do th-that, I mean it's not clean down there and it's degrading for you and -!”

 

“Nah, my Izuru isn't a dirty person, an' it ain't degrading at all to make the person ya love feel good. I don't think I've done this t' ya before, so why not just lay back an' enjoy it, Izuru? I promise I'll make it worth ya while.”

 

“Gin . . .”

 

Kira still sounded rather uncertain but he knew better than to forgo the act, because the last thing he wanted was to cause his lover any pain and - without any lubrication or preparation - that would be exactly what would happen. So gently he pressed his lips against that opening and began to suck upon it, causing a shuddering gasp to echo out of his lieutenant's lips, a sound so deeply erotic it shouldn't have even been possible for a man to emit it, something so arousing it made Gin's own erection begin to feel painful. He smirked to himself as he flicked his tongue across the opening, feeling it wink at him, then slowly dipped his tongue somewhat inside, swirling around enough to breech his entrance and tease the very start, letting waves of anticipation sweep through his lover. Gin would readily admit the taste left a lot to be desired, but as he pressed his tongue inside Kira as much as it would go, sucking around that sacred area, the sounds his lover almost screamed made it all worth it. He swept his tongue around as much as he could, spitting inside every so often to provide as much possible natural lubrication, and soon he found himself mimicking the act of eating or - more accurately - a passionate kiss, almost as if he was making love to Kira with his very mouth.

 

When he slowly used his finger to push alongside his tongue Kira barely noticed, the gesture was so smooth and easy that it caused the blonde no pain at all; he'd been so relaxed that his muscles merely accepted the intrusion and gave way as Gin pressed inside. It was such a strange sensation. He could feel the hot wetness of his tongue lathing his digit, but at the same time he could feel the overwhelming tightness of Kira clamping down on him instinctively, the hard ridges of his inner walls flexing and massaging him as he pressed further in.

 

It only took a few seconds to find Kira's prostate, after so long of making love he'd memorised that spot perfectly, pressing lightly against it to send waves of ecstasy coursing through his partner and making him buck upwards into the air. He smiled despite his lips still wrapped around Kira's portal and spat a few times more, adding to the lubrication, then carefully pushed in another finger . . . This time he heard a low hiss from Kira, but he knew it wasn't of pain just slight discomfort, feeling his insides stretch and be pulled in a place that simply wasn't designed to have things placed inside. He took it well though as Gin licked and sucked as he scissored his fingers, spreading Kira wider bit by bit before slipping inside a third finger. It was at this point that Kira groaned slightly in pain, but they both knew he was able to take what was happening, that he could take more too, and that soon he'd feel nothing but pleasure. So Gin slowly removed his mouth but continued to work his fingers in and out, before spitting coarsely onto his spare hand and using it to coat his length . . . He visibly jumped as his hand touched his member, waves of pleasure coursing through him as the sight of a dishevelled Kira nearly pushed him over the edge alone, but somehow he staved off climax and kept himself steady.

 

It was then he removed his hands and placed them upon the edge of the desk, using it as a prop to lift himself, Kira's legs rising with him as the backs of his knees hooked onto Gin's shoulders, and as Gin bent down over the table Kira was thankful for his flexibility, his legs now touching his chest as his lover bent down as if for a kiss. His lips were inches from Kira's, his mouth breathing heavily and cheeks flushed, and yet he paused, as if waiting for something . . .

 

“Is it okay if I kiss ya?” He panted.

 

Kira found himself blushing even more if that was at all possible, he tilted his head to the side slightly as his blue eyes widened and he fought back a rather less than manly chuckle. He couldn't help but look upon Gin with an expression of utmost love and respect, his blue eyes aglow with everything that their relationship meant to him, and his melodic and heavenly laughter making the tension between them break. It was times like these where he remembered just why he loved this man so much, because even in the heat of passion and the wonders of pleasure, he'd always put Kira's needs, comfort and desires before his very own. No one would ever believe it but it was true, Gin was perhaps the most selfless person he'd ever encountered . . . or at least he appeared to be, but now wasn't the time to debate his lover's true colours.

 

“Do you even have to ask, Gin?”

 

“My, ya should know by now I always have t' ask.”

 

There wasn't a chance to reply as right away his captain was pressing his lips against his own, and immediately he opened his mouth to respond, kissing his lover passionately and deeply, expressing everything through that one tender gesture.

 

He wrapped his arms around Gin tightly, his right entangling itself within silver locks, stroking and massaging the scalp to make his lover keen and purr against him, and his left hand lowering to rub soft circles on his lower back, enticing him into action and to carry on with what they had begun. He could feel Gin shifting slightly above him, his captain's haori falling like a curtain around them and the black kosode tickling his sides, he could feel Gin shifting his weight onto his left arm and his right moving somewhere out of sight, and most of all he could feel Gin's heartbeat racing against his chest as the pressed firmly against one another. Kira could only smile, his kisses growing distracted and lazy, and his legs instinctively wrapping around that thin and delicate waist of his lover, pulling him close to him as if he hoped that by doing so they'd truly be one forever.

 

It was then that Gin reached below and guided his erection against Kira's waiting hole, then - ever so gently yet firmly - pushed the head inside, waiting for Kira to adjust and give permission to continue. Despite being used to their activities and looser from them, Kira still needed a few moments each time to get used to the intrusion, to forced himself to relax in order to take Gin inside him. Gin had learnt that the hard way when once he'd pushed fully inside, expecting Izuru-kun to be relaxed, and had accidentally torn his blonde lover. It always surprised him that Izuru couldn't just let go, that he needed those moments to prepare, he'd always meant to ask Kira about it but somehow the moment never came and his questions stayed unanswered, but he was always willing to wait, he loved Izuru too much not to. Luckily Izuru was quick to adjust this time, and with a hard motion used his legs to pull his lover fully inside him, so that Gin was nestled balls deep inside his lover, his own silver pubic hair brushing against the blonde's rear.

 

There was no way to describe that moment other than `heaven'. The absolute pleasure had caused them both to break the kiss, mouth still pressed together, and to groan loudly, hopefully not loud enough to attract unwanted attention from any other squad members who passed by. Kira was just so tight below, gripping his hard member strongly enough that it almost caused him to lose himself in pleasure, there was no pain either because Kira was - by now - loose enough to sheath him perfectly, like a hand inside a glove. It was hot inside him, tight, and the way his muscles would flex and quiver sent chills down Gin's spine. It was obvious Kira enjoyed it too. His eyes were half-lidded and he was biting his lip to keep from moaning, his hands digging crescent shaped bruises just beneath Gin's left buttock and right shoulder blade, his face was crimson in lust and a slight sweat had broken out over his skin, his member leaking pre-come onto both their abdomens.

 

“I love ya, Izuru . . .” Gin whispered, his words so soft they were barely heard, “I'm sorry if I ever hurt ya, but I promise I ain't ever gonna let ya go, no matter where I might be or what I might do.”

 

With that he gently pulled out before pushing back in, causing Kira to groan loudly and hold tighter upon his lover. The pleasure was too much and too distracting for them to keep the skill and passion of their kiss, instead allowing it to become sloppy, wet and clumsy, although the passion of it remained and not once did it detract from their lovemaking. The friction between them was awe-inspiring, Gin angling his hips almost perfectly so that with most thrusts into his lover his hit his pleasure spot exactly. The pace was slow but hard, only seeming to increase their enjoyment and make it all the more sensual, romantic and soon it hard Kira seeing stars, begging for more, his body slicked with sweat as the sound of balls slapping upon skin began to echo around the room at a moderate tempo. Their bodies seemed covered in a sheen of sweat, Gin himself gasping and swallowing consistently as his haori seemed to cling to him like a second skin, and Kira found himself sticking to the hard wood of the desk as it rocked with their movements.

 

It was amazing. Kira felt so alive, so raw, so loved that his body felt electrified, his every nerve aflame, the pleasure that coursed through him so intense that it caused his vision to blur and his breath to at times stop. His heart was racing at what felt a million beats an hour and he couldn't help but moan as Gin filled him from within, stretching him to his limit and making him feel things that no other person ever had, he just felt so hot yet alive, so exerted yet calm, it was almost too much for him to bear. He could feel Gin's heavy breath upon his own mouth and cheek, those clumsy kisses wetting his face, the other man's groans of bliss echoing about the room, and as he looked up the expression on Gin's face was like a work of art in itself. Then - as his lover snaked his spare hand between their bodies - he almost came at once . . .

 

Gin's hand wrapped perfectly around his erection, his warm fingers firm around his foreskin, his thumb occasionally dipping into his sensitive slit, and then - with hard movements - he pumped his hand up and down in time to his thrusts. Each time he'd thrust hard inside he'd pump his hand down, each time he'd pull out he'd pump up, and soon the rhythm and power was too much to handle, too much pleasure for Kira to bear. He was writhing, thrusting his body up in time to meet Gin's, clawing at every inch of flesh he could reach, kissing his lover when he could and biting at his lover's neck when he could not. It was so good, so hot and so perfect!

 

“I love ya, Izuru.”

 

That was all it took to push Kira over the edge. Right away he felt his stomach muscles tighten, his back arch like a bow and his mouth open wide as he let loose a silent scream, gasping for breath as he scratched deep on Gin's back, nearly cutting him as he lost himself in the heat of rapture. It was sheer bliss, an indescribable feeling radiating in his centre and spreading through his entire body, warming every inch of him, spreading a glow of joy through his very soul. He could feel his come spurting out of him, ropes of it covering him and gluing him to his lover whose body was so close, long threads of white trickling down Gin's hand and onto his lower body. It was all so good, so damned good . . .

 

It was only a few seconds later that Gin came deep inside him, his seed hot against Kira's sensitive walls and feeling him with a heat unlike any other, making him feel full and wet, making him tighten instinctively around his lover and milking him for every last drop. Gin actually howled as he came, a sound so deep and loud that it was only a miracle that stopped their men from barging in, from wondering just what was happening, but then again perhaps it was moments like these that fuelled the rumours of abuse, perhaps they thought he hadn't consented, as if it was even possible to not consent to such fantastic feelings!

 

It was then that Gin dropped down hard upon him, obviously too exhausted and sated to support himself and his body weight any longer, but luckily for Kira the man was extremely thin, enough that even with his dead weight upon Kira it wasn't enough to hurt him or knock the wind from him. Instead he felt warm, his lover blanketing him and comforting him, someone to hug and to hold, a feeling unlike any other . . .

 

Kira giggled slightly and wriggled underneath Gin, his lover was still deep inside him and he felt full and complete, but at the same time it was slightly uncomfortable as he could feel his partner's come oozing inside him, moving about him as if with a mind of its own. It couldn't be any more comfortable for Gin either who was no doubt sensitive from coming, probably slightly in pain at being over-stimulated by Kira's insides, and yet the older man didn't seem to want to do anything other than snuggle against Kira, nuzzling into his neck with his face, inhaling deeply a unique scent of sex and something that belonged only to his lover. It was so sweet and affectionate, basking in the afterglow together as their minds rested and bodies were sated, and it made Kira wish that they could share moments like these more often, that it didn't have to be the end.

 

Eventually he turned his head and kissed that silver hair that now lay mussed beside him, smelling its sweet scent of what he swore had to be persimmon-scented shampoo now laced with sweat . . . His hands rested lightly between Gin's bare back and his haori and gently stroked, lulling his lover into what would probably be a sleep. He'd forgotten how Gin often liked to sleep after sex, which would be a large pain considering how they were in the office, although having to pick up all the papers that had been thrown on the floor would be an even bigger pain . . . Still, it was all worth it to have the man he loved there in his arms.

 

“We should probably get up, Captain,” He said softly, ignoring the way Gin appeared to be incoherently mumbling his name over and over, and pretending like he couldn't feel the come between them started to dry and stick, “After all this won't be any good for the rumours. In fact - I know you won't like this suggestion - but perhaps we should just tell people the truth, that way the rumours would stop . . .”

 

Gin groaned and then nipped quite harshly at Kira's neck, causing the blonde to yelp and buck his body, an action that in turn caused Gin to hiss as his member still lay tucked inside his lover.

 

“Nah, I don't ever want t' tell anybody . . .” He murmured sleepily, “Nope.”

 

“Why not, Gin?”

 

“`Cause I'm selfish.”

 

Gin wrapped his arms underneath his lover, a gesture that was uncomfortable for them both but brought them flush against one another, enabling them to share a moment of complete intimacy. It amazed the lieutenant how childish his captain could be at times. This was the very man who could take down Zaraki-Taichou and bring out the seriousness of Rangiku-san, a man with amazing skill and talent, a man with a permanent smile and a prankster attitude, and yet he could sleepily cuddle against his partner, making childish comments and whining like an infant. Kira wasn't sure if it was adorable or not.

 

“If people know about us, Izuru-kun, then they'll worry `bout ya when I'm gone,” He mumbled, “Then you'll be in all their thoughts, and I don't want no body thinking about ya, I want t' be the only one thinking about ya. I want t' be the only one who ever gets to have ya, to hold ya, to love ya, to think about ya. Don't want them knowing, then it won't be so special between us `cause they'll know what we'll know, and then when I go it'll be so much harder for ya to move on. Don't want ya to be miserable, want ya to be happy . . . If no one else knows `bout us you'll have to smile, you'll have to be happy for me.”

 

Izuru did all he could to blink away the tears and drew in a staggering breath. He had no idea if he was merely being manipulated yet again, if the words were false to draw him in and make him feel better, if they were lies to make him feel a way Gin wanted him to feel, but regardless he believed Gin. He believed the man was sincere, he believed it because he knew Gin loved him, just as much as he loved Gin. So to hear such sweet words, such innocent confessions during the afterglow of their lovemaking, it was almost too much to bear, too much love to handle in such a small amount of time, knowing that this would be a moment he'd have to stretch forever, a moment that would have to last him his whole life.

 

What words could truly express what he felt? What could he possibly do or say in response to let Gin know just how much he meant to him, just what he felt for the other man? Perhaps there were no words to fully encompass his passion, adoration and love, and perhaps that's why the oldest clichés were cliché for a reason, because they were the only things truly capable of expressing such deep feelings when all else failed . . .

 

“I love you, Gin.” He whispered.

 

The response that came forced him to cry . . . “I love you too, Izuru.”