Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Negative Space ❯ Fragile Mind ( Chapter 10 )

A sharp pain twinged at my shoulder, startling me from the darkness I had been basking in. Movement that wasn't my own was guiding my body, tilting my head until it rested against something warm and firm. Fabric had surrounded me, gently keeping my arm at my side while my other was pressed against skin. I must have been dreaming because being this close to another person was something I hadn't experienced in decades.

"She's not Isa right now," a familiar voice warned as a cloth trailed across my shoulder, bringing with it more pain.

"What do you mean?" I felt the second voice like it was my own, but it was a man's voice.

"She doesn't handle change very well." The voice belonged to someone that I knew, but I couldn't seem to grasp a name. "I can feel it through our bond that she's not Isa right now. If I had to guess, she's lost in the past right now. Either trying to protect herself, or truly lost in her memories."

"She's the one who told me what she wanted, showed me even." I understood then that the man talking was so close to me that I was feeling his voice vibrate in his chest. I wasn't just pressed to a body, but his body.

"You hit her so hard with your spirit energy that I felt it ripple through my bond," the tone was flat and pointing out the obvious. It made me smile, comforted by the familiarity of his tone. "I'm surprised you didn't physically harm her with how hard you hit her, aside from the obvious chunk of flesh you took. That is not how she showed you to make a bond."

"She tried to fight me," the man I was pressed against harumphed. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Did she tell you to stop?"

Silence fell between them for a long moment that eventually ended with a long sigh.

"Listen to her the next time she tries to teach you something. She's not fragile, but her mind can be. You'll see it the more you're around her, but she gets lost or confused. She hides it well because sometimes she knows when it's happening, but sometimes she's just gone; lost in a memory that's so old she can't tell if its real or not."

"Like in the theater?" I was lifted as an arm behind me shifted, drawing me higher and causing my face to press into warm skin. Gods, I loved his scent. It was so foreign and so delicious that I wanted to press more of myself into him. I couldn't seem to move much as my tired muscles protested, but I was able to lull my head just a bit closer. My body was tired, so tired. I remembered the strain of fighting against something, some power that had flooded me, but exactly what had happened wasn't there for me to remember.

"Yeah. That was one of them catching her off guard."

"Is it because of whatever Aizen did to her?"

Hearing that name in my nice and safe place made me stir despite my protesting body. I was uncomfortable and my back was aching from laying in whatever position I was in. I tried to roll and shift, only to find arms unexpectedly supporting me. I didn't have the capacity to think much of it, and curled into the body I was held against. It felt good to be in this man's arms. His body was warm, his hands gentle as he coaxed me closer, his power inside me enforcing his will for me to stay at ease.

My hand fell free from the confines of the blanket with the new position, but before it could flop away it was caught in someone's gentle grip. I couldn't help the contented sigh that slipped out when my hand was pressed to his hot skin. I didn't know what part of him I was touching, his stomach or chest maybe. I didn't really care either way, but for just a moment I had to wonder why I was enjoying myself. The thought was lost as soon as I thought it, and I didn't bother questioning it further. I had missed being close to someone like this so much that it made my chest ache with the emotion.

"I don't know," he answered in a softer voice than before. "I've only known her since after that time. Up until she bound me to her, she always had this lost look in her eyes. She would see you, but she was never focused on you. She was always seeing something that you couldn't see."

"And now?".

"Now that you've bound her?".

"Yes."

The other man snorted. "Now that you've knocked her off balance, I don't know. She only ever lets me see Isa. Right now she is Isabellia, a part of her that I hadn't seen much of before a few days ago. She acts differently, like she is the Espada she once was. If I wasn't bound to her, interacting with her in her true form would be terrifying to someone like me. She rarely released her true form until she had no choice but to start doing it more with you fakes bothering us. She could do anything."

Silence fell between the two, but it wasn't a calm quiet. This one was filled with the tension of unsaid words. I could feel the tense muscles in his arms and body, but especially in the way that his fingers began to tap on my outer thigh. The blanket was between me and his fingers, making the sensation softer than I was sure it was meant to be.

"Don't leave her alone," the other one advised, breaking the silence.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" The man holding me said slowly, his voice raising at his last word with irritation.

"You have her now, but if you want what you've done to end well, don't leave her alone when she tries to hide from herself," he corrected himself. "I am her Adjuchas, as she says. I am bound to her, and just like she will always protect me, she will serve you no matter what. You are her master. But, if you really want what you say you do, then be the master she needs rather than just a source of problems."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just don't leave her alone," the other man repeated with a soft sigh. "Not until you know she won't slip into the past. Pull her back when she is lost, because without an anchor she cannot do it on her own. Let her in when she tries to share her knowledge with you, because she is only capable of sharing all she is and knows by showing you. Let her serve you the way that she knows how and maybe you'll actually get what you want - a person who is loyal to you not because you were the only one left, but because she would choose you over anyone else."

I couldn't help the smile that turned my lips as my mind eased back into darkness. I really liked that guy...

Vibrant colors. I couldn't remember if the colors I had seen before had been this beautiful or if it was a recent change. Even my own skin seemed to be more rich with color as I reached out to stroke a finger down the green leaf. I smiled as the cool vegetation met my skin and I took in the smooth sensation of it. The veins that ran through the surface were barely noticeable, but I couldn't remember ever having seen veins before. Did plants bleed like people?

I turned my hand, comparing the tan pigment of my skin to the green of the leaf, and both to the dried blood that was stuck under and around my nails. I frowned as I tried to remember who I had killed that would have bled on me. I couldn't think of a face, so I lifted my hand to my face and inhaled. The scent was familiar, but who did it belong to?

"Raacharg," I said aloud. Who was Raacharg? I felt like I should have known, but the face belonging to the name wouldn't come to mind. I really was in bad shape if I was having such a hard time with a simple memory, and that thought saddened me.

My hand went to my waist and slowly trailed back until I found the gap in my spine. I didn't know why I was in my true form, but I had been in it for too long. My back ached. Wherever my bones were hiding, it would be best if I retrieved them soon or the pain would only grow until it was crippling. I could remove almost any piece of my armor without pain, but my spine, mantel and the feathers that resided in my hair were truly part of my mask. Covering them in my blood like I must have done, allowed them to maintain a physical presence when I dropped my resurreccion. Otherwise they just returned to my true form.

What had I been doing to need to remove my spine like that? It was troubling that I couldn't remember. There had to be a reason.

A twinge of sensation pricked the edge of my mind just before a hand caressed up my arm. I recognized the feeling of their spiritual pressure as soon as they came in contact with my skin and magically, my eyes grew hot with tears that I didn't think I was capable of producing any more. My hand slowly lifted until I could capture his hand where it had stopped on my upper arm. Somehow I had expected the cool touch of a corpse, but this hand was warm to the touch and responded to me like he was really alive.

It had to be the God Maker.

"Theós Dimiourgós?" The words came out steadily from my mouth, but inside I was trembling. I couldn't bring myself to turn around, for fear that it wasn't him. So instead I secured my grip on his, lacing my fingers through his much larger ones until I knew I had him. "Aether?"

"You should heal yourself." His voice was like bliss to my ears. I couldn't remember if it was his voice or not, but the way it echoed inside me felt like it had to be him. It had to be Aether, my maker.

I ignored his words, and asked a question of my own. "Cum esti in viata?"

He was silent for a long moment, and unable to resist the temptation for even a moment more, I turned in one abrupt movement. I held his hand up to ensure that our contact wouldn't break while my other reached for the first thing I could grab onto, which ended up being the front of his black sleeveless shirt. I had the phantom impression that it should have been a jacket that my hand found, but the thought slipped away as I looked up to meet vibrant azure eyes. I could see it in his eyes that he hadn't understood my words, but seeing him made my voice catch in my throat.

"Heal yourself," he said softly as his hand lightly squeezed mine and moved, shifting my arm in a way that had me realizing the pain that was radiating through my shoulder. I didn't want to look away from his consuming azure eyes, but forced myself to for just a moment. The gaping red wound in my flesh was only visible to me from the corner of my eye, but I could see enough to know it had been a wound from a bite. Remnants of blood stained most of my skin on my shoulder, and had soaked into what remained of the strap of my sports bra. I hesitated for a moment, but slowly lifted my gaze to meet his once more. With a curious expression I stepped into him, pressing close as I rose on the tips of my toes so I could bring my nose closer to his mouth.

The scent of my blood was already strong from my open wound, but faintly the scent was also coming from him. He had done this to me. He looked like he was ready for me to lash out or take some sort of violent action, so when I closed my hand tighter on his shirt and pressed my face to his neck, he stiffened in surprise.

"Unde ai fost," I cooed against his skin as I inhaled deeply. The heady scent of soil and wet vegetation hit my nose and as much as I enjoyed it, it wasn't quite right. Something wasn't right. Slowly I lifted my head so I could look up at him, and as I did so I felt his one free hand brush my hip before he circled me in his muscular arm.

His brows were furrowed with confusion as he gazed down at me. Was he not the God Maker? I couldn't remember. It felt like him inside of me, a hole that had been empty for so long filled at last. It had to be him. Maybe my words had been mispronounced after not having spoken the old language in centuries.

No, he had used a new tongue. Perhaps he had dismissed the old language, just like he had done to learn the one that he and I shared. I couldn't remember what he was supposed to look like, but the feeling in my chest couldn't lie. It was him. It had to be. So why did he look so confused?

"I'm sorry," I said as a sob suddenly dragged from mouth. I pulled my hand from his and he reluctantly let go. I brought my hands together at his chest and slowly slid them upwards, feeling his skin with oversensitized hands. My memory of sight had failed me long about but not my sense of touch. I needed to feel his features like I was blind and trying to see, trying to figure out if it was really him. He felt real inside me, and that one understanding was overruling all of my other thoughts. "I tried to be the darkness of your shadow, but when you needed me I wasn't there to pull you into my power. I failed you."

Confusion tweaked at the back of my mind as my fingers ran over his jaw, cheeks, nose, and then his lips and finally his mask. Nothing felt right. Had my senses forgotten him too? I didn't want to believe that my mind was so fragile, my memory so faded that he felt foreign to my touch. Tears slipped from my eyes as I remembered the loneliness that had consumed me after he had died.

No… he was right here. How could he be dead? Memory consumed my vision as I tried desperately to remember him. The God Maker hadn't been the most handsome man ever, but he had been unquestionably male. Thick cords of muscles had ran through his body, making him a bulky and fearsome presence. He had been built like an ox and scarred from centuries of battle. I had thought him beautiful, but it hadn't been his appearance that had drawn me to him. It had been his control, the sensations that he stimulated within me, the trust that had been between us. He had been everything that a being like me lacked, and he had shared it with me. He made me more than I ever could be alone.

"Gods, how did I not know you were alive all this time?" I asked as my hands left his face and ran down his chest to slide under his shirt. The God Maker had been larger than he was now, or was that something I had fabricated over such a long time apart? My hand found the scar that ran down his chest and I marveled in wonder at how he had only this scar. The skin was smoother than I would have expected, so I had to guess it was from an old wound. Had he somehow regained the ability to heal? I had always supported him in that aspect, so for him to have wiped his skin clean of all marks was a great surprise.

Hands closed over my upper arms in a firm but gentle grip. I lifted my gaze from the scar across his chest and met his azure eyes. They were intensely focused on me, even if I was looking at him through a blurry, tear induced haze. "What are you talking about, Isa?"

I blinked up at him with confusion. Isa? He had never used that name. I had always been Amechania or Isabellia to him. How had he known?

"Come back," he cooed as his hands moved up and he cupped my face. I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to shake it off. I started to backpedal like I was trying to physically get away from my own head, but he moved faster. One hand slid behind my neck to cover my spine while his other went around my waist to keeping me from stumbling backwards. My eyes jerked open with the sensation of his power filling me and I was met with his beautiful azure orbs once more.

"I don't understand," I said in a harsh whisper. I couldn't seem to drop his gaze despite the panic I felt growing in my chest. "Aether, please, I-I don't know what's going on."

I felt the God Maker's power grow within me to an almost painful level before he murmured, "Isa, drop your resurreccion and come back to me."

His order caught me so off guard that I had no other will than what was his. My hand lifted hastily and I called out to my zanpakuto. I felt Amechania respond to my call a moment before her blade sank into my outstretched hand. I barely noticed the pain as my resurreccion dropped and I was abruptly washed in relief. It wasn't mine though. No, it was his.

Grimmjow...

My eyes blinked open to the sight of the scars that ran down Grimmjow's chest. I was lost for a moment as I ran through what had just happened. Everything had been one giant jumble of the past conflicting with the present inside my head. I pushed feebly at the lingering sensations in a weak attempt to clear my head. How had I come out of it? I hadn't had a fit like that since… since before Raacharg.

Fear startled me in a chilling wave and I reached out for him through our bond, only to find him close. He was here. He was still alive.

"Oh, gods," I whispered as I stepped back from Grimmjow. He let me go without holding on, and I stumbled back only to run into a pot covered in vines. He started to move as if to catch me, and I waved him off only to find my zanpakuto in dagger form, stuck in my palm. I looked at it with surprise, only now feeling the pain that came with the blood that was trailing down my arm.

"Isa," Grimmjow said my name softly, and it sounded wrong coming from him. I ignored his tone as I turned my hand to examine how my zanpakuto had pierced straight through my hand to stick a few inches out from the back. Normally when I called her, her hilt or pole would hit my hand, not her blade. I hadn't done that to myself in ages.

"What happened?" I asked as I yanked my zanpakuto from my hand, trying not to show how unsteady I was feeling. I gave the pain a silent snarl before I flushed a wave of healing energy through my body. I felt it in my hand first, but then the pain of my shoulder mending drew my attention and I looked down to the closing wound.

That was right…

"You idiot," I murmured more to myself than to him. I looked up to him, pointedly avoiding his gaze as my eyes locked on his chest. Touching him there would be a lot better than cupping his cheek like my first thought had been to do.

My hand shot out, aiming to connect with his chest when his hand moved faster than mine and he caught it. Changing gears I clasped his hand firmly, ensuring I had enough contact to look into our bond. My eyes slid closed and I opened myself only to be mentally slapped with pain. It made my body bristle, and his too if his suddenly tense grip was any sign. I felt bad for about half a second before I turned to business. I had to visualize the bond, which for me was easy enough.

Like a burst of light, a cord of power filled my sight as little pricks of electricity ran down my arm and into my hand, then presumably into Grimmjow.

"What are you doing?" He asked in a breathy voice. Yep, he'd felt it too.

"Ensuring you did everything right," I lied. In reality, I was trying to figure out if I had done it in time. If I had broken my bond with him before he had made a bond with me.

The rope that I visualized was strong and twisted together with several pieces, much like I had seen ropes used to tie boats to docks. It was thick, heavy and looked so strong that at first, my heart was sinking with dread. But as I followed that rope, I began to find fraying threads of fiber and whittled down segments. I realized then that I was visualizing the rope as being our arms, and as I approached the junction of our hands the rope gave way from the strong and steady cord to a single, thick strand that ran from our touching hands to him.

I had severed my bond to him, but I had done a nasty job of it. It was still there, fused to his bond with me but incomplete. This is what the pain had been from just now, and what had knocked me clean out earlier. Curiously, I tried to unwind what was still remaining of my bond to him, but the power I had been using to do it backlashed, slapping against my mind. I instantly drew back and frowned at my visualization.

It wasn't permanent, which was all that really mattered. I was supposed to be bound to him, not wedded. If it had been a wedded bond… well, either I'd have to kill him to break it or accept it, and I didn't like those choices. Especially when I wasn't sure if my mind could have handled it. I had been so convinced that he was the God Maker that I couldn't separate reality from memory on my own. If left to my own devices, I would have just disregarded everything that felt wrong and gone with the feeling in my chest. He really did feel like the God Maker. It wasn't his power that felt the same because he was so different from the God Maker. No, it was something deeper than that. It was the hole in my heart that had been made when Aether died that was now so completely filled that it was overflowing with Grimmjow's spirit energy.

Aether… I hadn't thought his name in so long. It brought back the memories of so many good things I had lost, but even as I thought that I knew it was a lie. I was bound once more to someone who was able to fill that hole inside of me. It was so new that I probably hadn't even realized everything that was different now.

Letting out a long, relieved sigh I slowly found my feet with the help of the pot supporting me. Grimmjow's hand in mine helped to pull me up, which I was silently grateful for.

"Did I do anything weird?" I asked hesitantly as I met his eyes for a second and looked away.

"I don't know what you would consider to be weird," he answered with a shrug.

"That bad, eh?" I released my grip on his hand and took several steps to put some distance between us. The distance made a wave a cold seem to pass through me, but I did my best to ignore it. The bond was still new, still fresh, and just like he had wanted to bask in my presence, I wanted to stay close to the new sensation of connection. The shiny newness of it would fade after a time, but until then our bond would be like a bungee cord and be constantly calling me back to him.

Good thing I knew how to ignore it. Mostly.

"I guess I need to explain some things before you try and do anything else," I said slowly. I reached back and ran my hand over the back of my neck to caress my spine in an automatic gesture to ensure that it was covered by my hair. He'd touched my spine in my true form, and for some reason just knowing that made my skin break out in gooseflesh. Then I remembered my exposed number and my hand slid down to cover it, discovering in the same moment that the strap of my sports bra was pretty much non-existent. He had probably bitten through it when he had forced the bond on me.

A spark of anger ignited in me, and I squashed it like it was a bug. I couldn't get angry at him for what he had done. It was my fault, not his. He had all this power and didn't know what I was trying to get him to do with it. I was the idiot here for not preparing him. I literally threw him in the deep end of the kiddy pool, but instead of my pulling him back to the surface, he had dragged me down with him, kicking and screaming.

"You're not going to slip away again, are you?" he asked as I felt fabric brush my hand. I startled and turned, only to find that he was holding out a folded black blanket for me to take. I blinked at it, at him, then at the bed that sat twenty feet away. No… My gaze shifted to the couch that sat across the room, then to the giant lounger that was against the wall. I didn't know where I had been, but the scent of my blood was faintly mingling with the scent of him on the blanket and I remembered it covering me while I had been unconscious. Or sleeping... whatever that had been. Had that even happened?

"I'm covered in my own blood," I said in a weak attempt to tell him no. He flattened his gaze while still holding it out for me to take.

I let out a huff of a sigh and softly thanked him as I took it and shook it out before pulling it around my shoulders. "And to answer your question, maybe. Did Raacharg tell you to order me out of my- uh, my head?"

"Something like that," he answered as he turned and started walking towards the middle of the room. I stayed where I was for a moment before I finally gave in and followed him. He lead the way towards the giant lounger that was roughly shaped like a dog bed with a thick pillow like edges that wrapped around the sides and back. I started to wonder what he was expecting me to do as we got closer. Did he want me to get on it? Yeah, right.

"Your Adjuchas said you get lost sometimes," he said as he stepped up onto the cushions of the lounger like it was no more of an inconvenience than a stair. The cushion was a good eight foot wide and probably more deep, making it look more like a bed than a lounger as he walked across it, his feet sinking a few inches into the leather like material with each step. I stopped at the edge, unwilling to get on it with the implications the motion would give. I had already had enough happy fun-time with him when he had turned my very chaste kiss into a face sucking competition. It had been a very enjoyable moment, but not what I had been going for. Crawling onto this giant lounger, couch, bed, thing would be telling him that I might actually want more.

I watched as he found a particular spot in one corner and plopped down. The motion looked easy, like he had done it a thousand times and knew exactly how to move to get right where he wanted. He eyed me once he settled. That one look said what he wanted, what he expected. He wanted me to join him on his giant lounger. I could have easily crawled up there without even touching him, but that didn't mean I wanted to.

"Are you scared of me after last night?" He asked, watching me for my reaction.

"Weary, not scared," I answered as my gaze left him to run over the planters that separated the lounger from the wall of vines.

"I didn't intend to do that to you," he said in a gentle tone.

"I know," I said softly.

"I thought you were showing me all of that so I could repeat it," he continued like he needed to explain himself. I felt his honesty in my bones, making me fight to keep my gaze away. Stupid bungee cord bond…

"It was my fault. I was too hasty and didn't explain enough before I tried to teach you to do it." I shrugged and started to turn away, but stopped myself. He wanted me to look at him. I could just feel it like an itch I needed to scratch. "It wasn't your spirit energy the knocked me unconscious. It was the pain."

He was quiet for a moment, and I felt his will intensify. Raacharg must have been telling him what it was like to serve, because he was getting awfully demanding. Then again, he could have just been a natural at manipulating the bond. He was stronger than the God Maker, I was sure. I hadn't ever fought against the God Maker's demands because there had never been a need or reason to. I didn't think I could trust Grimmjow to that extent, or not yet anyway.

"Why aren't you coming up here?" He asked.

"Because I don't want to," I answered, sounding stubborn even to myself.

"Why?" He asked.

My head snapped around and I glared at him. "You may be my master now, but that doesn't mean I will blindly do what you want. If that's not good enough for you then go ahead and try to order it out of me."

His brow lifted and his eyes narrowed in challenge. I had meant it to be a warning, not a challenge. Damn it. I felt his presence within me well up, but all it did was make me wanna roll my eyes.

"Come here," he said, commanding with the power inside me.

"No," I said as I narrowed my eyes into a glare. He was doing it wrong. Sure, I felt the need to move towards him, but he had only enforced it with power instead of putting the power to use in his words.

He tilted his head to the side in an assessing gesture. He lifted his hand and held it out to me like he wanted me to come and take it.

"Come here," he tried again. I swayed a bit this time, but my feet didn't move. It made me smile, especially when I knew it was going to just egg him on. I shifted the blanket over my shoulders to make it settle more snuggly around me.

"You're doing it wrong," I said with a small laugh. The look of annoyance that crossed his face was so worth whatever he was going to do in retaliation once he figure it out. "Did Raacharg try to explain how it's done, or are you just trying to figure it out?"

"I ordered you back into reality," he said in a low voice. It was so close to a growl that his voice was damn near vibrating. "Why isn't it working now?"

"I thought you were the God Maker."

My eyes dropped slightly, focusing on his mask as I recalled the events that had lead up to this. I swallowed hard as the sense memory of feeling his features under my hands came to mind. I considered my words, thinking about how much I was willing to tell him. He was my master. He wasn't my maker, but he felt like it. Even if it wasn't intended, I felt like I owed him something for giving this gift to me.

"I would have given up the moon and stars for eternity if I had been able to have just one more day -no, one more hour with him. It would have even been worth it, if he had died in my arms instead of out of my reach, where I could do nothing. I was so certain that you were him that I would have done anything for you. You could have asked anything of me, anything, and I would have done it. If you hadn't-" my voice caught as my throat as I realized that my eyes had grown hot with tears. Gods, I was actually crying? What the hell was wrong with me? I remembered doing it earlier when I was stuck in the past, but now? Really? Not even Raacharg could get tears out of me and here I was, waterworks all over the place and in front of Grimmjow of all people. Maybe he had exposed me to more emotions than I had possessed in a very long time. Or, maybe I was just acting like a stupid little girl.

I let out a frustrated sigh and forced myself to finish what I had been saying. "If you hadn't called to me, told me to come back to reality, it would have probably taken me a very, very long time to come back myself. It took my bonding Raacharg to pull me out last time. I had been trapped in darkness for twenty years. The memories were all that kept me sane. But, being me again is why your orders aren't working now. I have the will to resist it when I didn't before."

He let the silence of the room sink in for a very long moment before he leaned forward, drawing his knee up so he could rest one arm on it while his other stayed reaching for me. I had met his azure eyes before I realized it when he shifted and found myself not wanting to look away. His intent was obvious and his determination clear.

"Put your power in your words, not in the bond," I said, finally giving into what I knew he wanted. "Words are used for conscious people who have a will to resist. The bond is for other things, like influencing emotions, bending wills, and ordering those who have no will to resist like when I ordered Raacharg to breath again. He was unconscious and could not hear my words, but the bond was there, allowing me to bend him to my will. As I am now, if you want me to do something you're going to have to tell me to do it."

He didn't move, but I felt his presence within me diminish. He'd taken my guidance like a willing pupil, even if he was supposed to be the one in charge.

"Come, take my hand," he murmured. His words were filled with power, and I moved with a willingness that I didn't have before. Unlike his easy step up onto the cushions, I crawled up at my own pace, taking the time to kick off my boots before I shuffled closer to him. I knew I was taunting him with my lackadaisical manner, but he hadn't specified how to do it. I smiled to myself as I reached his one outstretched foot and rested my hand on his shin as I looked up to find his hand close enough that I could easily take it.

An image of a man whose face I couldn't remember was abruptly where Grimmjow's should have been. I could feel the smile that should have been on his face in my chest as I closed my eyes and placed my cheek in his palm. He stroked my cheek in a tender display of affection and I turned my face into his hand so I could nuzzle my nose into his skin and inhaled. I kissed his palm as the still new and earthy scent of him filled my senses. That wasn't right…

I opened my eyes only to find concerned azure orbs watching me and realized what I had been doing. I jerked back from him and looked down at my hand that had been resting on his lower leg.

Gods, help me. I was a mess. For just a second I lost myself. Again. Goddamn it.

Feeling sheepish, I pulled the blanket around me to hide my body and continued past his hand to quickly find a spot that was an arms distance away from him. I placed myself against the side of the lounger so I could use the oversize pillowed edge to keep me up right as I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them. I ended up with everything but my head covered by the black blanket, which suited me just fine.

"You didn't realize what you were doing, did you?" He asked as he settled back, turning his body so he could easily keep his eyes on me.

"The way you forced me to bond with you, and how I tore my own away as you did it, has unbalanced me," I said with a soft sigh. "I suppose Gantenbainne and I are the only ones left who understand or know what the bond is, but you should know everything before you try to do anything else with it."

"Is it something you can just tell me?" He asked. I thought that an odd phrase until I recalled the conversation I had heard in my dream. Well, it clearly hadn't been a dream.

"Yes," I said with a small nod of my head. I owed Raacharg a thank you when I saw him. He'd explained a lot of things that I couldn't do myself. "There are two types of bonds, or really one if you think about it. There's what I did to you, then there is what you almost did to us. A standard bond is what 99% of all Arrancar use, or did once upon a time. It ties us together, but it's breakable. It really only goes one way, even if power can be shared both ways. There is still a master behind the bond and what eventually becomes a web of power between them and their subordinates. Through me, you have Raacharg. Just like you could feel him before, you should be able to feel him now."

"A wedded bond on the other hand," I paused to take a moment to collect my words. How to explain this in a way he would understand? "A wedded bond is just like what the living use. It's a way to bind two people together. It's not like marriage, though in a sense it could be thought of that way. It's only possible to make one when first a bond exists, and the subordinate is allowed to create their own bond to the master."

I let my words hang in the air to give him a chance to think over what I said. He was a lot smarter than me, so I was pretty sure he'd understood it as I'd been speaking, but there was a look of contemplation in his eyes even though he was still focused on me. After a minute he said, "I wed our bond last night then."

"Almost," I said with a small shake of my head. I lifted my hand from the blanket, and slowly raised it towards him. After a second I pulled my hand back and tugged the blanket into place. He gave me a funny look, and I decided I should explain myself. "I can look into the bond between us and visualize it's health, if you will. I doubt you can do it yet, since it took me almost a hundred years to figure out how to do it and we've been bonded for less than a day."

"That's why you grabbed my hand earlier?" He asked.

"You're the one who grabbed my hand. I was just going after skin," I corrected him before I could stop myself. He lifted a brow and I promptly ignored it. "But, yes. I lost consciousness before I knew if I had succeeded. Normally it doesn't hurt like that, but I acted in haste rather than doing the practiced motions."

"And you had to touch to see that?"

I nodded. "My senses have a very short range as you know, which seeps into my bonds as well and required me to touch you. I have to have physical contact when I want to do certain things. Sharing abilities like my healing, manipulating the bond, sharing memories: the sort of things that require the bond to be at its strongest. You felt the pain earlier when I looked into it, right?"

He nodded, and I continued before he could say something.

"That pain was from what I did to keep it from being wed. The master of the bond is supposed to be the stronger one of the two. It's just the nature of things. Ideally, I shouldn't have had a problem telling you no, but I am clearly not the stronger of the two of us. I couldn't stop you from making your bond to me. I had no choice but to tear mine apart to keep you from wedding them."

"You went so far as to hurt yourself in order to keep us from both being bound? Why?"

I had been mostly avoiding staring into his eyes until now, but I turned my head and didn't blink as I said, "it would have been permanent. The living got the phrase till death do us part from us. Its literal. An eternity together until one or the other dies."

His expression didn't change, but he didn't say anything either. After a long moment of holding his gaze, I dropped it and turned my attention to the cushion in front of me.

"Normally, wedding a bond would be a ceremonial sort of thing. It implies a level of trust and unity between the two partaking. The God Maker was my master for a few hundred years before he allowed me to do this with him. It wasn't for a lack of anything, but rather a concern of power. Being in a wedded bond gives both people the level of master, and with it control over those bound to one another. It took me several hundred years to come to a point where his power and the power of those bound to him wouldn't kill me, or get me killed. I had to earn the respect of the others that were bound to him or taking such a leap in authority and power would have put a target on my back."

"That doesn't explain why you didn't just let it happen now," he pointed out, making me want to strangle him.

"It's permanent," I said harshly as I turned my head further away and leaned further forward so I could rest my chin my knees. I was getting frustrated with all this talking. He wasn't understanding what I was trying to say.

"Did you ever leave any of your previous masters?" He asked, making my mind reel with the change in direction he had taken.

"No," I answered in a clipped tone. "All of them died, releasing me from the bond."

"Then why would it matter if the bond was wedded or not?"

His logic was unexpected, and I found myself struggling to come up with words. "I-In that regard you are correct, but it isn't just that. Sacred isn't the right word to describe it, but I'm not good with words. It's just not done. Making that sort of bond after only 10 minutes together is the stupidest thing someone could possibly do. Being who I am, I couldn't let you do it. I've resigned myself to serving you, but forever? What happens if you never die and we hate each other? I wouldn't have the option to request my release, and you wouldn't have the ability to discard me."

He let out a short laugh. "I like how you think that I am going to die before you. I'm not like your previous masters."

"When you've lived over two millennia when others haven't, you start assuming that everyone will die before you do."

He hummed his understanding and I felt the pillow at my back flatten. He must have stretched his arm across it to bring his hand close enough that it rested on the pillows just behind my shoulder, which really annoyed me. He was the master here, and as I kept myself quiet to try and make myself believe that whatever he did was acceptable, he asked the worst freaking question possible.

"What did Aizen do to you?"

"It doesn't matter," I said quickly. Probably too quickly.

"You've said several times that you were trapped in darkness. Did he do that to you, or was that before his time? Or was it Gin? Kaname?"

Yep, I'd spoken too quickly. Ugh, this guy always asked questions that I really didn't want to answer.

"It doesn't matter," I repeated stiffly.

"Are you going to make me order it out of you?"

"Why does it matter to you?" I asked with a huff. "It's in the past. So many things have happened over my lifetime that is makes no difference from one event to the next. I am what I am now, it's not going to change anything to know how I got to this point."

I felt the cushions shift with his movement and I rolled my eyes. He was a persistent son of a biscuit. Probably used to getting his way like a spoiled child in his happy little tower. I felt him settle right next to me, his leg only an inch away from my own and the pillows at my back flattening even more with the weight of his arm as it stretched across the pillow behind me, making me feel like I was surrounded by him.

"Aizen betrayed us all in the end," he said firmly. I blinked as his words sank in and I sat up straight so I could actually turn and look at him, not caring that it made my leg press against his. His expression had been irritated, but seeing my surprise made one of his arched brows lift. "You didn't know."

"What do you mean by betrayed?" I asked, my voice sounding rushed even to me. "You fakes were his damn pride and joy, the reason that I and the original Espada were discarded and rebranded with triple digits. Why would he betray his precious creations?"

"You were the first Privaron Espada," he said, his eyes going wide. "You have seen and lived through it all and yet you don't know this. Why?"

My hand went to my chest as I remembered the phantom pain of Gin's zanpakuto piercing through bone and flesh, and watched as Grimmjow's eyes dropped to follow the movement of my hand as the blanket dropped. Even knowing the pain wasn't real my breath still caught in my throat and my pulse raced. Gods, why did I have to remember this now? Aside from the God Maker dying, it had been one the worst days in my long existence. The day that started my eternity in a darkness that wasn't my own.

"You didn't know that I even existed until two weeks ago," I said, trying to hide what my body was feeling with steady words and a good excuse. "I had been avoiding anything that might bring me back into this sort of situation for years."

"What did he do to you?" He asked, a thread of power in his words. I didn't think the power was intentional- he wasn't that good yet, but it felt like an order nonetheless.

"What he felt like doing," I answered, intentionally vague. I think it ticked him off because I felt his spiritual pressure rise as his posture tensed.

"What did he do?" He asked, power oozing from his voice.

I closed my eyes as I felt the order slide over me. He probably didn't even realize that his spiritual pressure had risen with his anger, turning his words into a vice around my free will. Gopher tits, he was really going to make me tell him. The pride in me, the Espada I had been, didn't want to admit that we had been so weak as to fall from power so quickly and so utterly. But the worst part was, I liked feeling his will over me. I liked it, and mentally slapped myself for it.

"Fifty years ago he defeated me," I said slowly, my voice coming out rough with the effort of fighting his order. Gods, he was strong. I hadn't wanted to tell him, but I hadn't had much of a choice. "He defeated me so utterly that I had no choice but to treat him as if he were another master. When he returned, he brought with him two Soul Reaper lackies that brought me so close to death that I could do nothing to stop them from-"

His spiritual pressure abruptly vanished, taking with it the force of his order. I instantly shut my mouth and clenched my teeth together. It took a long moment before I finally felt enough like myself to feel safe and let my lips part so I could take in several deep breaths to chase out the lingering sensations of his order. Once I was satisfied that I wouldn't be compelled to spill my guts, I slowly let myself rest back on the pillowed side of the lounger. The blanket had fallen to pool around my waist, but it didn't seem important now.

"That came out as an order, didn't it?" He asked once I settled, confirming my thoughts.

"Yes," I replied as I let my head loll back to rest on the pillow too, only to find his arm in my way. I let my head rest on what was probably his forearm, expecting him to move. When he didn't, well, I didn't either. He was going to be a stubborn ass, then so could I.

Besides… Touching him, even if it was just my head resting on his arm, made a sense of ease fill me.

"I didn't mean for it to be an order," he said softly, his voice sounding loud due to our close proximity.

"Yeah, well it was," I said coldly. Opening my eyes I stared up at the vines that covered the ceiling, watching as a few dangling ones swayed in an imaginary breeze. "You can order me to tell you anything, and probably make me do just about anything, if you really want to. You're just that much stronger than me when I am like this. I don't think that was more than a thread of your power, but I still couldn't seem to think my way around it."

"I only intend to order you around when I think it's necessary," he said, explaining himself for some inexplicable reason. "That was… unintentional."

I frowned. "Why do you even want to know? It's one thing to understand what I can do as your subordinate, but an entirely different thing to want to know about my past."

"You hate Aizen. We all do, but for different reasons. I want to know what he did to you, so I don't repeat his mistakes."

I snorted and let my head turn so I could look at him. Gazing down the length of his incredibly muscled arm to his very masculine face made me pause in silent admiration. Gods, he smelled good and looked just as good, if not better. This guy was going to be such a troublemaker. Why had I allowed myself to be so close to him when I was struggling with myself so much? All I could think about was sliding my hand into his hair to feel the luxurious softness of it.

Stupid, stupid me.

"Have you ever been down to Los Noches' dungeons? The chambers that were created before Aizen's time?" I asked in a voice that sounded small and- and nervous? Holy cracker jacks, Batman. I was nervous. Me? I had been nervous before, but it was usually stimulated by a rush of adrenaline, anger or even stress. This was coming from being scared. Scared of sharing this part of my life with someone. Scared of him knowing too much.

Gods, it was him. Fear wasn't something I could feel on my own. Sure, I worried and didn't want things to happen, but it wasn't really a fear of something. Not even Raacharg had given me that part of humanity. Grimmjow was the reason why I had started crying earlier. I had more emotions that what I knew to do with. This was going to be a problem. The God Maker had always stimulated emotions within me. They hadn't just bubbled up on their own. Damn it.

"Not the old dungeons, just the ones that were created for Aizen. Why?" He asked. Pulled from me thoughts I licked my lips as my focus slipped from him and to the past.

"There's a room in the very back, created by time with spires of rock barring most of the entrance. If you go inside, you'll find where my body laid and kept the rock from wearing away with time. My blood had been so thick that the rock is stained crimson with layers of crystallized blood. The shackles that had kept me from using any of my spirit energy are still down there, embedded in the rocks. It was like being in my Negative Space, but it was just me that could do nothing," I stopped myself there as my eyes closed and I struggled with myself. On impulse I pushed myself up and away from him, leaving the blanket behind as I got to my feet and walked across the lounger to get off it.

I was getting upset. Well, not just upset, but incredibly emotional over the memory of it and I didn't know how to process it. I could feel myself trying to slip away into another memory. It was just bubbling up like hot water rising and I didn't feel like I could stop it. I just wanted to get away from him before he could see what it turned me into. He wanted my power and the experience that I promised to share with him. He wanted the warrior that I had been. He didn't want what I was now, the damaged shadow of my former self, weighed down by the baggage that came with my age and the traumas that I had lived through. Gods, I needed to fix myself before I could really fulfill the role he wanted me to.

Just as I went to step down off the lounger he was abruptly in front of me. I hadn't felt him move, and I was unable to stop my momentum as I stepped down and into his chest. I stumbled backwards, but was so out of sorts that I fell back onto the lounger in my haste to get away from him. As soon as my back hit the cushions I was pushing myself back up, but stopped when I was met with Grimmjow's face. He had knelt before me on one knee that rested on the outside of my feet, while his knee was pressed to the outside of my other thigh. His hand had curled around the upper cal of my right leg, his long fingers almost able to circle my leg.

"Where were you going?" He asked as his hand squeezed lightly.

My mouth opened to answer, but I caught myself and instead scooted back from him. He let me get as far as his hand sliding down to my ankle before his grip closed and he forced me to stop. I licked my lips and tried to think of some excuse that he would have to accept.

"Raacharg," I said quickly. "I'm going to Raacharg."

His seemed to be taken aback with my words. I had surprised him, but more so I had surprised myself. I didn't go to Raacharg for comfort, but he had seen it all. He knew what I struggled with, even if he didn't say anything. He was used to my ticks, had dealt with me when I had slipped into memory before, and knew exactly what I had been when he found me. I didn't have to hide from him, he just accepted me.

Grimmjow's grip on my ankle dropped, and feeling his skin part with mine I pulled my legs under me before I stood. I stood there for a moment, wondering if I should say something to him, but even with the distraction of his attempted intervention, I could feel the memory sliding closer to the surface. The darkness, the pain of the shackles around my wrists. A visible shudder ran through my body, and I quickly walked off the lounger and headed across the room towards the door. I lifted my hand, calling Amechania to me. I felt my zanpakuto respond and come to my hand, but I had to react quickly to catch the hilt instead of the blade. I frowned at the metal, but didn't let it slow my progress as I left Grimmjow without a single look back and entered into the large room where I knew I would find Raacharg.

"You're really just going to give into it?" Grimmjow's voice startled me and I spun on my heel to glare at him. How was he doing that? Even before we were bound he couldn't sneak up on me like this. Was I so out of it that I couldn't feel him?

"Giving into what?" I challenged. Raacharg had told him enough that he knew what I was fighting with it, but there was no way he could actually understand.

"You know you're slipping away and you're not even trying to fight it." He sounded disappointed even to me, but all it did was make me frown.

"There's no point in fighting it," I said, my words coming out sharp. "All it does it make it worse when it finally takes over. I'd rather just get it over with and drown."

"Pathetic," he growled.

"Excuse me?" I asked, shocked. Pathetic? Really?

"You're running away just to hide in a hole so you can wallow in your issues instead of facing them."

"Face them?" I snapped as anger quickly replaced the sinking feeling that had been creeping over me. "How the hell to you face something you can't fight? This is what I did to myself so I could survive the pain and isolation. You can't possibly understand what I went through. I didn't even understand it until I surrendered to the fact that I am broken. I can stitch the pieces back together, but no fix lasts forever. I always break again, and again. The only way for me to make myself whole is to go and find something that will hold me together, even if it's only a temporary fix."

"If you accept it-"

"No!" I shouted as I stepped to him and pointed at him in an accusing gesture. "You do not get to tell me what to do with myself. You haven't earned that right. Raacharg was the one who brought me back into reality and saved me from wallowing in my past. He saved me and he had no fucking reason to do it."

"What can he do to fix what I've broken?" he asked, his voice rising to stop me from continuing. "You've said it yourself, only an Arrancar can share things through the bond. He is an Adjuchas. I know you rely on him, but what can he really do that will fix anything?"

"I don't know!"

I startled at the sound of my own voice and stepped back, shocked. I couldn't seem to think as my throat grew tight and my eyes hot. I didn't know what I was feeling, and I sure as hell didn't know what to do with it. It made it hard to swallow, but I forced it to happen as I pulled my hand back and looked at it like it wasn't mine. That same stupid tightness that was in my throat spread to my chest, making it hard to keep breathing steadily and my nose began to tingle, making my eyes grow even hotter.

"I don't know," I said, this time in a whisper. It was all I could muster through the horrible things my body was doing to me. "Raacharg knows what I am. He is the only one who understands."

"But he can't help you like this," Grimmjow said, his voice gentle.

"No one can," I said, but even as it fell from my mouth I knew it was a lie. The God Maker could have, but Grimmjow had no idea what he was doing.

"I can. I forced you back into the present only a short while ago. I can do it again, but you have to tell me what to do," he said as he reached out and his hand carefully caught my elbow. I stared at his hand on my arm trying to understand why he was doing this.

"I'm supposed to serve you, not ask you to deal with my shortcomings," I said slowly. "I am an Arrancar, not an Adjuchas. You shouldn't have to care for me like I am a child."

"Isa, look at me," he cooed.

When I shook my head his hand slid up my arm and slowed at my shoulder. Hesitantly, his hand slid closer to my neck like he was silently asking for permission to touch more of me. The way he was touching me just made my throat tighten even more until I was fighting to take small, tortured breaths.

"You told me you would never serve someone who treated their Fraccion like unappreciated dirt and that you treated yours like children, caring for them and protecting them as they served. I am a predator. I don't nurture and care for people, I just see them as prey."

His hand coaxed higher as he spoke, but instead of letting him cup my face I turned and guided his hand to the back of my neck where his hand covered my spine. To him, the touch was probably less intimate than it would have been if I had let him cup my cheek, but to me? To me, I had just willingly let him hold my weakness in his hand. My mask was almost always hidden by my hair for a reason. It was thin and delicate, and where it had creeped me out earlier that he had touched it, now I almost basking in the heat of his hand.

"You aren't prey to me, Isa," he cooed as he pulled me forward. I stepped closer to him, drawn by the promise that his voice held and the strength of his hand on my neck. "I don't know how to actually care for someone, but I can keep you from falling into your memories. If you'll let me."

I slowly lifted my gaze, not really seeing anything until I met his azure eyes. I didn't have the capacity for words for a long moment as I gazed into his eyes, losing myself in them. I couldn't seem to believe that he actually wanted to help me. Earlier, I had been so far beyond my normal self that it had been like he had no choice but to pull me back. But now? I hadn't slipped away. I was still me, but struggling. There was no reason for him to intervene in my issues.

Then, I remembered what Raacharg had been saying just before I drifted back into unconsciousness. Grimmjow wanted someone who actually wanted to serve him. He wanted my loyalty, and this was how Raacharg had advised him to do it.

That crafty little Adjuchas of mine... Just like Grimmjow had said, Raacharg couldn't do anything to help me through the bond, but he didn't need to be able to. He was a force all on his own.

"Calm me," I whispered, giving into him and hesitantly letting my hand reach out to his abdomen. His body flexed under my touch and I took that as encouragement and slid my hand under his shirt and around his side, feeling the ripple of his muscles beneath my fingers. "Use the bond and force me to be at ease like you did earlier. Keep me from thinking about the past because I-I can't do it on my own."

He coaxed me closer and I pressed to him, finding that with our height difference I fit perfectly in the curve of his body. His arm wrapped around me while his other slipped into my hair and he held me tightly to him. I lost the small bit of control I had over myself and tears fell in hot, foreign feeling trails down my cheeks before they were absorbed by the fabric of his shirt. My breathing came out in small, pathetic sounding gasps that were barely muffled by our closeness. Gods, I was crying. I was actually crying.

A sense of ease washed over me through my bond with Grimmjow, and the power of it took the strength from my legs. I didn't fall to the floor like I had expected, but instead was lowered as Grimmjow went down with me. He pulled me into his lap as his legs folded beneath me to keep me from actually touching the ground. I had thought that I felt surrounded in him before, but this was truly a sensation of being enveloped by him. He was everywhere. His strong body holding mine, the scent of him consuming my mind, the sensation of the bond between us being so open and full of his influence that he was all I could think about. I wanted so badly to pretend that it was real and not just the bond that I was feeling, that I let myself completely and utterly surrender to him.

"Thank you," I sighed against his skin. The feeling of my past creeping up on me was gone. I knew it was only temporary, but I didn't care as I nuzzled closer to him.

"You're mine now," he said, his voice rumbling in his chest. "Your power, your strength, your knowledge, and your problems are all mine. Quit being so stubborn and just let me in next time. If all you do is run, I can't help you."

"Okay," I said in a small voice. I owed Raacharg, big time.