Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Recoil Songfic ❯ Recoil Songfic ( Chapter 1 )

Authors Note: I don't own Bleach and make no claims on it. If I did, there'd be a whole hell of a lot of kinky shit going down. The song used here is Recoil by the band Flesh Field. All rights to the song remain with its creator(s).

 

**A little spoiler-ish for the end of Episode 62 of the anime.

 

 

RecoilSongfic

 

 

I don't think you understand.

You've never seen this face before.

I tried to tell you I'm not the man you took me for.

 

 

Seeing you look at me with shock and disbelief in your eyes…. I don't think you understand what's happening. Or you don't want to understand what's happening right before your eyes. You've never seen this face before. Well, that's not entirely true. You've never allowed yourself to see it although, I think you've gotten glimpses that you've tried to ignore or explain away. I tried to tell you I'm not the man you took me for. But, there's nothing so blind as a lover or a good friend and you've been both to me at different times over the decades. You may not believe me but it really does pain me to have to strip away the blinders you wore when it came to me. I actually cherished the illusion of honour you gave me and the hurt at having that taken away is a sharp and unexpected thing even if it is by my own choice that you're finally seeing the real me.

 

 

A silhouette, a shell.

No, what you knew was not me.

A façade, a charade.

Now can you see more clearly?

 

 

The always cheerful, smiling man was a silhouette, a shell. A pretty shell indeed but, not real by any stretch of the imagination. No, what you knew or more appropriately, wanted to believe was not me. Not the me that I truly am. I am honestly sorry that I can't be the person you thought I was. I have always loved you in my own way and I likely always will. I do feel regret that I have to hurt you like this. But, the time of pretending to be the dutiful Shinigami Captain is over and done. It was all a façade, a charade anyway. Something I needed to do to further the plans that Aizen set in motion long before either one of us even entered the Academy. With this harsh betrayal, now can you see more clearly?

 

 

Everything is gone.

I can't feel anymore.

And now I can expose you for everything you are.

 

 

I can only watch as you toss away all that I thought you… we… stood for. Your honour, pride, honesty and love… everything is gone. There's a hollowness in my heart now and I can't feel anymore. Later, when there's been time for what you've done to sink into my mind and heart, maybe I'll feel something again aside from bitterness and utter betrayal. I thought we had a good, honest relationship. I thought you were not only my friend but someone I shared a deep connection with. I thought we had more between us but I suppose I don't really know who you are even after all these years and I think that hurts more than everything else. If this is the way things are going to go, then at least I can be the one to hold you and expose you for everything you are. I deserve that right, don't I? Maybe by doing that, it will help to purge some of the bile I can feel gathering in my soul.

 

 

I am perversion and decay.

I am hatred and greed.

I am everything I hid from you.

Now tell me, do you like what you see?

 

 

Through all the years that we were together as both friends and lovers you never realized some of the basics of my character. I'm selfish enough to say that I'm glad you didn't because if you had, you would have cut me from your life and as much as I didn't want to contaminate you with my presence, I didn't want to let you go either. Aizen recognized my twisted desires the moment we first met. He encouraged them in me, praising me for what every one else would see as foul. I know what I am for I have never hidden or denied these things to myself.

 

I am perversion and decay. I am hatred and greed. I wanted, no, needed things that I would never dream of asking from you. I never wanted to taint you with this side of myself. But, I had no problem asking for those things from Aizen and he was only too happy to give me what I craved. I could see that he desired the exact same things that I did. Together, the two of us revelled in our casual cruelty and sadistic needs in ways that would likely turn your stomach if you only knew.

 

I am everything I hid from you. Maybe I did it so that I would remain a good person to the one soul whose opinion I actually care about? Who knows anymore? What's done is done. Now tell me, Rangiku, now that you've been shown my true character, do you like what you see or am I forever tarnished in your eyes?

 

 

No truth in anything you tell me,

In anything you show me,

In anything you ever do.

Deceit.

You never cared about me.

You never felt for anyone

Unless they had something to offer you.

 

 

There's no truth in anything you tell me, in anything you show me or in anything you ever do, is there? Has everything been a lie? I thought I knew you. I thought you were somebody you obviously are not. Everything was your deceit, wasn't it? How far back did this planning of Aizen and yours go? Was saving my life part of his grand scheme? Was earning my love and affection all part of his plan? Was there some sort of roll I was to play? Am I playing that roll even now without being aware of it? How can I do anything but doubt every single word or action you make?

 

You never cared about me. How could you if this is what you're doing now? You have to know that what you're doing is wrong and destroying countless lives. I think I can see now that you never felt for anyone. I'm sure there were clues all along that I chose not to see. It hurts, Gin to realize that what we had meant nothing to you. Does Aizen know that your affections are non-existent unless they have something to offer you? Or is he like you and doesn't even care so long as whatever his goals are, they succeed?

 

 

Don't let me inside you.

You're not prepared,

And I can't turn back before I infect you.

I just want you to see.

 

 

I tried to stop you from making an attachment to me. I know what I am and what I've always been. Don't you remember? I told you after knowing you only a week `Don't let me inside you. You're not prepared.' You laughed back then and hugged me to you and said we'd always be friends and that I wasn't as bad as I was pretending to be. Bet you didn't think I'd remember that. I remember everything between us, Rangiku.

 

Why do you think I tried to keep my distance from you? Once we made Shinigami, why do you think I tried to keep our schedules from meshing? Why do you think I pushed you to be in a squad different than mine? More specifically, one that wasn't Aizen's. I knew then that if I didn't distance myself from you as much as possible, I couldn't turn back before I infected you and that was the one thing I didn't want to do. I'd love to be able to explain this all to you but there's no time left and this is a conversation that should be held in private. I just want you to see who I really am and maybe, someday, you can forgive me for my betrayal of you. I haven't done this to hurt you. Never that. I've selfishly done this for me and the dark desires that twist through me.

 

 

So beautiful on the outside,

Yet so obscene on the other side.

And now you recoil from me.

 

 

I look at you and see one of my oldest and dearest friends. Some part of me still doesn't want to believe what I'm seeing with my own eyes. I want to deny that this is real. I want things to go back to the way they were before all this started. I know that's not possible but it's what my heart wants. Gin, you're so beautiful on the outside and yet, I now realize, so obscene on the other side. Yet, I still want to believe in you. How did things go so wrong? Why couldn't what I thought was real be the reality? Why are you making me hold a sword to your throat and threaten your life? Do you have any idea how hard I find it to do this even now? Do you know that this is killing me just a little on the inside? Do you feel any regret for doing that?

 

I know you can't see my smile, Rangiku. All the other Shinigami watching our little display probably can't tell the difference between my usual one and the one I now wear. You can. You could always tell my real smiles from the fake ones. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore and now when I turn my head to look at you, you recoil from me for the first time since we've known each other. That pains me as nothing else has in longer than I care to remember. For making you feel that way, I'm also sorry.

 

 

Can you see me in the light?

Do you know me, and were you right?

I just thought you should know me.

 

 

The sky opens with a sound like wet silk ripping. The negashion spears down from the sky and I know this is likely the last time I'll see you. I don't regret what I'm doing but I'm going to miss you and I'm sorry that I've hurt you, Rangiku. I step away from you at the same moment you let go of me.

 

“I'm a little sad. I wouldn't have minded being captured by you. Good-bye, Rangiku. Forgive me.”

 

As I get pulled into the tear by the negashion, I wonder if you can see me clearly in this light? Do you know me now? Do you realize the type of man I am? Or were you right? Could I have been the man you thought I was if I'd have tried hard enough? I watch you grow smaller and smaller on the ground until I pass through the rip in the sky and into what will be my new home with Aizen. I regret you finding out this way but not the choices I've made. No matter how painful for both of us, I just thought you should know the real me. Maybe someday, we'll meet again and hopefully then, you won't recoil from me.