Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Resolve ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

Resolve

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, nor do I make any profit from this fanfiction.

 

A/N: This is a two-part story. No warnings for chapter one, but chapter two will have explicit yaoi.

 

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Ichigo had changed.

 

It wasn't as if that was necessarily a bad thing, after all he knew that people were constantly changing from the day they were born until the day they died, it was a fundamental part of being human. He knew that the person we are today could change in a heartbeat, that in a year, a month, a week or even a day we could transform completely, that everything that defined us could shift and move, like liquid into a new container. He expected to grow, to evolve, to become somebody new, but this was different. Ichigo was different. This change wasn't like a steady growth over time; this change was abrupt, sudden and redefined him as a person. It felt like everything he was had been ripped away from him, leaving him an empty shell that had forced him to find a new identity, find a new way to again be human . . .

 

He remembered a time - long ago - when he'd cry when he was upset, smile when he was happy and scowl when he was angry. He remembered fighting Tatsuki not because he had something to prove, but because he enjoyed connecting with a friend through a sport they both loved. He remembered being `special'. He remembered going on those loving family picnics, or being hugged in strong arms full of paternal affection, and he remembered his mother walking on the side of the pavement closest to the road, just to protect him from any splashes. Then in a heartbeat, a teardrop, a gasp, it had all been taken from him.

 

His mother had died, and with her a part of Ichigo died too. His mind was cast with thoughts of `if only', his heart was consumed with regret, and each time he opened his eyes he could see her final dying moments playing out one more time in the shadows, and he knew that he had caused them. If only he hadn't chased that child into the water, if only he had been strong enough to know the truth or to see the girl for what she really was, if only he'd been a real son and protected his mother and saved her from what had happened. He should have done something. He should have protected her! It was because of him that his father lost the love of his life, it was because of him that his sisters had lost a devoted mother, and it was because of him someone so pure and kind had died so violently.

 

He blamed himself. Of course he blamed himself! How could he not?

 

Not only had he killed his own mother but the world knew it too. His father suddenly decided upon `tough love' and that he had to know how to `defend himself', which meant random attacks and punches every other day, sometimes he'd even be asleep only to get awoken by some physical abuse. Yeah, his father claimed to love him, yeah apparently learning to fight would come in handy later on, but why all this now? Why after his mother had died? Maybe it was just an excuse to get even, to get back at Ichigo, to make him suffer the way his family suffered? It wasn't enough that he was some freak who could see ghosts, that he'd lost one of the few people who mattered to him, now his own pops had to make him suffer too? He couldn't blame him though, not after what had happened, and maybe that's why that bright and beautiful he once had died . . . Maybe that's why on that day when Masaki died that his smile died too.

 

It never got better after that either. At school he was always the kid with the orange hair, the one they mocked and made fun of and tried to beat up, and until he learnt how to fight back he did get beat up too. He wasn't just an outcast with the other kids either, because of how he looked, because of the trouble he got into, the teachers had decided to judge him as well, as if he wasn't even worth their time. So that was it? He didn't belong with the other pupils, the teachers obviously lost faith in him and he'd lost that happy, family home long ago, so what now?

 

Maybe it was all Ichigo's fault, maybe there was something so fundamentally wrong with him that it drove people away, maybe that was why no one seemed to care about him.

 

Goddamn it, even the Shinigami only seemed to care about what he could do for them and never about him for the person he was. If they cared about him then why would Rukia have decided to stay in the Soul Society rather then with Ichigo, her supposed friend? Why would they not believe him when he tried to rescue Rurichiyo and announced the traitors as who they really were? Then again why should they trust him or care about him? It was he who wasn't strong enough to defend Rukia when Byakuya came to take her away, it was he who wasn't strong enough to defend Orihime when the Arrancar came, and it was he who'd let so many people down in the past.

 

Was it any wonder then that he'd changed from that boy Tatsuki once knew? He couldn't even remember the last time he smiled, he couldn't remember the last time he'd shown anyone any affection or received any affection in return, and he couldn't remember the last time he felt happy. Every day to him seemed to be one of regret, of pain, of loss, and when he didn't have time to feel those emotions it was only because he was forced into battle and forced to fight others in order to protect them and make things right. It didn't matter though. He didn't expect to be happy again, he didn't even think he deserved it, so what did it matter?

 

The thing that drove Ichigo crazy about the whole thing was this: if it didn't matter - if he didn't matter - then why the hell was he so nervous about visiting Mr Hat-and-Clogs for?

 

He'd been standing outside Urahara Shop for a while now, just trying to work up the courage to go in and see what the hell the old guy wanted. Part of him was worried it was another mission from the Soul Society, especially when he wasn't in the mood to go chasing souls at that moment. Another part of him was dreading hearing the words `Ah, Ichigo! Just who I wanted to see!' because that of course meant being given lots of grunt work to do, all under the lure of `special training' after, which was never usually as special as the man made it sound. Worst of all was whatever Urahara had planned Ichigo knew he'd wind up doing it anyway, like Ishida said Kisuke Urahara could sell a refrigerator to an Eskimo, and that silver-tongued snake would no doubt have Ichigo wrapped around his finger in seconds of entering.

 

After working up the energy to face the shopkeeper he decided to head straight in. The shop seemed filled with new stock and overall the place was pretty quiet; it seemed Renji was out somewhere because he couldn't hear sounds of the poor redhead roped into slave labour, and by the sounds of things Jinta was busy torturing Ururu outside somewhere, where Tessai was Ichigo didn't want to guess. The place seemed calm enough, normal enough, and there wasn't a hint of a Shinigami anywhere, but he wasn't ready yet to let down his guard . . . with Urahara one should never let down their guard.

 

The brown-haired man was sitting cross-legged in his usual spot, holding his hat with one hand as if he'd just put it on in a hurry, and in his other hand he was fanning himself casually with that large, white fan he always seemed to have at hand. There was a cup of green tea beside him still steaming, and a smile plastered onto his face that seemed only half there, as if half of his mouth was pulled down in indifference and half upturned into a smirk. Like usual there was a hint of stubble around his chin and he was wearing the same damn outfit as always, making Ichigo wonder if the shopkeeper even owned more than one set of clothes.

 

“Ah, Ichigo! Glad you could finally make it,” Urahara beamed, suddenly fanning himself all the more as he tilted his head back enough for his eyes to be blocked out in shadow, “I was starting to think you weren't going to come!”

 

“I wasn't, but you didn't leave me much of a choice. It's hard enough to ignore you as it is, let alone when you use that stupid watch of yours to torment Kon every hour on the hour, until I agreed to come. Seriously, do I even want to know why a mod-soul in a stuffed toy needs a communication device?”

 

“Oh come now, Ichigo, this was important! You're not going to hold my intellectually superior methods of communication against me now, are you? Not when we're dealing with a life or death situation as we speak?” He paused for a dramatic moan and tilted his head for a somewhat melodramatic expression, “I didn't think you could be so cruel. My, whatever are we going to do with you Ichigo?”

 

Ichigo scowled menacingly as he sat down on the floor, in front of Urahara.

 

Suspicion was beginning to take a hold of him, so with wide eyes he leant forward to take a closer look at his sensei's face, unfortunately the damned man had his fan conveniently covering his mouth and his hat shielded his eyes from view. If Ichigo didn't know any better he'd swear the guy was laughing silently at him, mocking him right in front of him whilst Ichigo remained entirely ignorant.

 

He knew better than to confront Urahara though, for the moment he was getting the crazy shopkeeper act, one full of eccentricities and over-the-top acts that left one wondering just what was really going on, but if he confronted Urahara he knew they'd be hell to pay. When faced with conflict the shopkeeper went from an eccentric idiot into a serious threat; his face would become passive and stern, his body would become tense and somewhat muscular, and in seconds you'd find yourself victim to a severe guilt trip, mental games or a battle to the death. None of which were particularly appealing when Ichigo was feeling like warmed-up crap, and besides, if they got into some sort of petty argument now he'd only pay for it later. It was best to let Urahara get what he wanted out now rather than suffer for it later on.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Ichigo mumbled indifferently, trying not to show how worried he was by blowing the matter off as if it was nothing, “Just what is it you wanted from me anyway? You said it was important.”

 

“Indeed it is!”

 

There was a longish pause, almost as if Urahara was waiting to add to the drama or simply just to torture the orange-haired youth until he was out of his mind with annoyance: “So? What's it about?”

 

“Ah, it's about Renji.”

 

Goddamn it, getting information out of the man was like getting blood out of a stone. The bright side was you knew he was great at keeping secrets, the bad side was when you desperately wanted to know something his lips were stuck tighter than the purse strings on Tenth Squad's budget.

 

Ichigo had learnt over time to trust Urahara though, learning that there was a difference between wanting to know something and needing to know something, and if Ichigo needed to know something then he could trust Urahara to give it to him straight. Judging from how the guy was beating around the bush he was probably reluctant to tell Ichigo what was going on, caught between whether it was necessary or unnecessary, but if he waited much longer to tell then Ichigo was as good as gone.

 

“Ichigo,” Urahara finally said, laying down his fan onto his lap, “What would you say if I told you Renji was in love with you?”

 

Ichigo blushed wildly.

 

What the hell? Did he just hear that right? Did Kisuke Urahara, owner of the Urahara Shop and former captain of Squad Twelve; did he just say that one of his best friends was in love with him?

 

No -. No way! That couldn't be right. Renji was obviously in love with Rukia, he'd been crushing on her for years, and even if he didn't swing that way he'd spent his time in Squad Eleven surrounded by men, surely he'd have found a partner around that time? Even if he didn't his captain was considered the hottest and most popular soul reaper in the Soul Society, and he was friends with Yumichika who no one could deny was a natural beauty. What could he possibly see in someone like Ichigo? For a start they did nothing but fight! Why would Renji like someone who did nothing but fight with him? Was Urahara for real? Goddamn it, if the shopkeeper was yanking his chain over something like this then he'd kill him! How was he supposed to look Renji in the face again after hearing something like that?

 

“I'd say you were nuts.” Ichigo snapped.

 

“And if I said I thought you were in love with him too?”

 

“I'd say `I hope you take a nice, long ride on an unsheathed Benihime'.”

 

At this Urahara sighed and took a sip of his tea. He could see the scowl on Ichigo's face, the twitching of his eyebrows, the gnawing of his lips and - most of all - he could see the crimson blush that marked his cheeks.

 

He'd somewhat expected a hostile reaction. The boy was still innocent, virginal and unsure of himself. He'd scream blue-murder when Yoruichi transformed back into a human - despite being a sight most men would kill to see - and he'd still blush and scream when Matsumoto flirted with him, and it wasn't as though he was any braver with the same sex either. It was only natural to be nervous, unsure and put up such a strong defence barrier, but considering how obvious it was to virtually everyone that there was definite sexual tension between Renji and Ichigo, he'd expected a response not so violent. After all the two of them liked each other, so surely to hear news that he was liked back by the guy he liked would be good to hear? Instead Ichigo looked like he was ready to commit homicide.

 

After a few more gulps of tea he put his cup to one side and smacked his lips appreciatively, then turned to Ichigo to try a different approach on the matter. Ichigo was a fighter first and foremost, so perhaps if an honest and outright approach didn't work than appealing to his inner hollow would. If Kisuke could challenge him, make him confront what he was really feeling, then maybe he could conquer whatever it was holding him back and accept that him and Renji would be . . . well . . . cute together. At this point Ichigo was glaring suspiciously at him, but at least he knew he had the boy's full attention.

 

“Ichigo, right now you're reflecting nothing but fear.” He waited until the substitute Shinigami opened his mouth to retaliate before continuing in a slow, serious voice, “Love is a lot like war. There is only one thing you have to remember, but three things you must conquer. Like I said, right now you're showing me a great deal of fear, and that's not good.”

 

“Wait, a second . . .” Ichigo said suspiciously, “Haven't I heard this speech before?”

 

“Probably, but seeing as you understood it when applied to the nature of a fight, I was hoping that you'd understand it when applied to the nature of love. If you find your resolve then maybe you finally can get Renji.”

 

“That's the thing! I don't want Renji, I mean there's no way he could `love' me for a start. He loves Rukia! He spent his whole life fawning over her and when she got arrested he was willing to sacrifice his life for her, even now she's his reason for doing everything he does. How could I compete with that, even if I wanted to? I mean Rukia's nobility and I'm just - I'm just a substitute Shinigami, not even a full-fledged one at that. Plus she's cute, and I'm kind of weird looking, and I'm not exactly the nicest of people, am I? There's just no way what you're saying makes sense.”

 

Urahara smiled: “When you dodge, you're afraid of getting killed.”

 

Ichigo glared at that. What? Was Urahara now calling him a coward simply because he made a good point that the shopkeeper couldn't counter? Well in that case, screw him! He wasn't afraid of anything, was he? Certainly not losing Renji.

 

Ichigo had lost so many people in his life already, when his mother died it had tore him up inside, he'd lost a shard of his identity that he'd never get back, and even now he still felt incomplete. He fought every day to keep the people who mattered to him in his life, he nearly even sacrificed himself just to save them, protect them and keep them by his side. How was his argument `dodging' the matter? If he admitted his love to Renji and then the older man turned around and said `actually Ichigo, it's Rukia I want', then just how would he feel? He knew how he'd feel. He'd feel hurt, humiliated and abandonned, and just how could he put himself through those feeling again? He couldn't! It would -. . . It would kill him.

 

Something in his face softened at that moment, it was as if he'd realised something he'd long since forgotten and he wasn't sure what it meant. Did he like Renji? Was he scared of getting close to the guy because he was scared of losing him? Come to think of it Rukia wasn't that close to Renji anymore, and Renji seemed to think of her more as a kid sister, the same way Ichigo himself felt about her, so was he just making up excuses? Maybe. It wasn't as though he'd ever gotten close enough to Renji to know how the guy really felt about anything, sure he'd spent a lot of time with him but they'd never really talked about how they felt, not the way Ichigo had done with his other friends. Maybe he really had evaded Renji, made up excuses, hidden from him just so he could avoid being hurt?

 

“Grow up, Urahara,” Ichigo mumbled, slightly less sure of himself, “Even if Renji could like me, why would I like him? He has no fashion sense at all, dresses like some hippy half the time and did you see what he brought for Byakuya, those glasses were so stupid. It's like I have to watch him constantly, just to make sure he doesn't buy anything dumb and humiliate himself! Plus he's such a dunce, you know? At school I told him to take off his gigai and the idiot had no idea what I meant, we spent so long fighting that Orihime's friends had us down in some sort of homoerotic relationship not after long. Oh, and that gun! What kind of freaking moron brings firearms into a country where guns are banned? Come on!”

 

“When you attack, you're afraid of killing someone.”

 

Ichigo blushed wildly at that one.

 

Was he afraid of hurting Renji? Of course not! The guy could take care of himself after all, he used to be in Squad Eleven and he was already a Lieutenant, it wasn't as if Ichigo had to worry about `killing' him.

 

The fact was Renji was powerful enough to handle whatever came his way, like with the whole fashion thing, Ichigo could mock him forever and a day but it wouldn't make a difference, Renji was too hard-headed to take anything Ichigo said to heart. Not that Ichigo was trying to hurt him of course, he only attacked his clothing sense because walking around like a reject from the sixties wouldn't help the guy fit in, and Renji would have a hard enough time as it was what with his blood red hair and tattoos. In fact Ichigo hated to admit it but if he actually hurt his friend by insulting him he'd be kind of gutted, he only ragged on him to try and help him out because if he just openly said what he felt then he'd probably get laughed at in return, if he made fun of the situation then it was more like he was one of the guys than an overly worried housewife.

 

That - that didn't mean he was afraid of hurting Renji, even though he criticised him, it didn't! The guy was still completely stupid after all, like with the whole `take it off' scenario or the firearms? True he hadn't been in the human world for long and he got his ideas of society from TV shows, but that wasn't an excuse, if he acted like that for long enough he'd have been in serious trouble! If anything by screaming abuse at him then he was getting it through that thick-head what was right and what was wrong, he was in a way helping Renji, because God only knew that if he sat and spoke calmly about things the older man would have only shrugged it off.

 

Then again, did the things he say actually hurt Renji? He'd never actually thought about it before, he just assumed the other guy could handle a few insults and take it in good humour, and when he fought back it was just Renji's way . . . but come to think of it did Renji ever act that way with anyone else? When his captain criticised him he took it seriously and treated his words with respect, when Rukia criticised him he usually shrugged it off unless he had a serious reason not to, so was it just Ichigo who he dished abuse back at? Maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe he took what Ichigo said to heart and was upset, or maybe he thought so little of Ichigo that he thought he was above the other guy and that his opinions didn't count? He never really considered how his words affected Renji before, so maybe it was time he started . . .

 

“Okay, maybe you have a point,” Ichigo said with a sad sigh, “I might try and avoid thinking about how I really feel about Renji, because frankly it kind of scares me, you know? And I'll admit I never mean to hurt him when I give him all that abuse, I'm just trying to help in my own way, but that idiot probably doesn't get that, does he? Still, what makes you think he likes me?”

 

“Renji might be a freeloader who's fun to torture once in a while -” Urahara gave an embarrassed smirk as Ichigo scoffed at this, but he merely raised his fan and continued, “ - but he tells me things, he's become like a pupil to me. You remember that day when Baishin reawakened? Renji told you he'd came by just to see you and you called him a liar, said he merely wanted your help.”

 

“So?” Ichigo asked, dreading where this was going.

 

“He was telling the truth.” He paused when he saw the orange-haired boy wince at this, trying to cover it up with a cocky expression of indifference, “And do you remember when he wanted to ask you something and you blew it off, because something distracted you? He wanted to admit his feelings to you.”

 

Ichigo cringed.

 

He hadn't known that, not at all. It never occurred to him that Renji had been telling the truth; instead he just assumed the man had been trying to save face and his pride, and he'd blown him off like he was nothing. He couldn't imagine how much that must have hurt Renji. He knew himself what it was like, what it was like to love someone and care for them only to have them dismiss your feelings like they were nothing. It was like a knife through the heart, a sharp pain that was hard to ignore, impossible to forget, like a very part of your inner soul was being tossed aside and annihilated. The blow to one's confidence from a rejection like that wasn't one you could just get over, it was like a scar, every time a similar situation cropped up you were reminded of when that scar was just a cut, of the pain that you felt, and you would find yourself withdrawing from everything just to avoid one more scar being added to your soul.

 

Renji was his friend. He'd been there through nearly every fight, every battle, he'd stuck by his side through everything and when -. Ichigo paused and shook his head, as if it'd clear his thoughts. When Rukia was kidnapped, when all their memories were gone, when the whole of the Soul Society had branded him an intruder and danger, it had been Renji who'd stood by his side, who had trusted him, who despite not knowing a single thing remembered that gut feeling and inner self. Renji had remembered - if not him - then their relationship, his feelings, his trust for Ichigo! Then how did Ichigo repay him? The same way as always, with jabs on his appearance, with blowing off anything he said, by treating him with the same contempt as always, and why? Why did he do that? Why was he so intent on hurting Renji Abarai? Why, damn it!

 

“This - this is stupid! Even if Renji did feel that way for me, even if I felt that way for him, it's not like we could be together! What if we were an item? We'd have to tell everyone and what would people think? What would my father think, or Renji's captain? Also in case you haven't noticed we're at war with Aizen! Renji and I could die any minute, and then what, Urahara? You want me to give my heart to someone else only to have them die on me too? You want me to fall in love with Renji, to be with him, to plan a future with him, only to have him taken away from me? Forget it! I won't do that again! I won't! It'd hurt too much damn it, I don't think - I -. I couldn't do it again . . . I just couldn't!”

 

“Even when you try to protect someone, you're afraid of letting them die.”

 

Was that it? Was that the crux of the matter? Was he afraid of letting Renji in his heart because he was terrified of losing him? Better to be alone than to face the pain of rejection, of abandonment, of death . . . If allowed himself to fall in love with Renji and then had to lose him, Ichigo would die alongside him. He'd already lost a piece of his soul when his mother died, what would happen if he lost the only part left, if that piece of him died too?

 

He'd spent his whole life with a scowl and a frown, shutting people out rather than trying to keep them in, and now Urahara wanted him to face that problem, that issue, that trauma. He actually thought that comparing his life to something like war, to the battle he endured trying to get stronger, would help him understand? Well he did understand, he understood the pain and the anger and the loss, and most of all it made him wonder . . . was he weak for not facing his fear? Was he denying himself some possible happiness in order to fight that fear off?

 

“Ichigo.”

 

Urahara's smile had faded and instead had been replaced with a serious expression. It was times like these Ichigo knew why he loved the man so much, why he was so guilty about burdening him with his problems and relieved to hear from him when he needed him. It was because Urahara was the father he'd always needed.

 

His own father couldn't understand his feelings and if he ever was honest with his dad he knew the reaction he'd get, some melodramatic, over-the-top expression of sorrow that would make him feel guiltier than when he'd first gone to him. Urahara though . . . Kisuke Urahara seemed to have an innate grasp of people's souls, he'd understand nearly any problem, and when you needed someone to be serious, to treat you like an adult, he'd do that. He'd set aside his own silly nature to be the rock you wanted to lean on. For that Ichigo would always respect him.

 

“Ichigo, long ago your sword spoke only of fear, but you conquered that fear, you made Zangetsu your own. A while ago your inner soul spoke only of fear, fear of your inner hollow, but you conquered that fear and made your hollow submit. There are men who go through life unable to face what it is they fear, instead running from those fears not realising they are merely running from a shadow, something that's a part of them and intrinsically attached to them and their hearts. To run from a fear is to run from a shadow, to run from a shadow is to run from yourself. You find that no matter where you run that fear is always with you, and until you confront it you are always afraid. You are always a coward.”

 

Ichigo knew Urahara was talking in general terms but he still felt those words as if they were spoken specifically about him, as if they were aimed at him and insulting him personally . . . It took all his strength not to tense up and act out, and even more than that to act with the maturity he needed to apply those words to himself.

 

“Your soul yet again speaks to me only of absurd fear,” Urahara continued, “You're scared of letting yourself love another, and scared of letting yourself be loved. One cannot walk this world alone, Ichigo; you may find the strength of others around you is exactly what you need to defeat Aizen. What's necessary in a fight is not fear, and what is necessary in a relationship is not fear. Nothing can be born of fear. Nothing.”

 

“So what am I supposed to do?”

 

A faint smile darted over Urahara's lips, his previous spark of energy was back and his passionate expression was as alive as ever, his very soul seemed to glimmer with a deep understanding Ichigo was starting to feel he could finally understand . . .

 

“What you need, Ichigo Kurosaki,” He said warmly, “Is resolve.”