Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Seireitei Monogatari ❯ The Manliest Man ( Chapter 33 )

Title: The Manliest Man

Characters: The Shinigami Women's Association, Byakuya

Rating: T

Words: 1773

Warning: Slight OOC

Description: Of all the men in Seireitei, who is the manliest one of all? Takes place before Soul Society Arc.

 

 

Three sharp raps against the table with her pointy-stick, and Ise Nanao swiftly called the meeting to order. Several pairs of eyes turned towards her.

 

“Ne, Librarian-chan, what're we talking about today?” Yachiru piped up, grin wide and cheeks pink as usual.

 

Nanao regarded her with patience, something she found sorely lacking lately but still managed to dredge up. “Madame President, as you surely know and decided last week, we are here to vote.”

 

Kurotsuchi Nemu, meek and quiet, lifted her hand and looked just this side of confused. “Vote?” she repeated in a quizzical tone so softly that Nanao almost didn't catch it.

 

Adjusting her glasses and noting the confusion of all the rest of the Shinigami Women's Association, Nanao decided it was probably best if she explained. Lately, it seemed she was the only one who actually listened to Yachiru. This didn't say much about her sanity.

 

“It is the time of year when we run yet another of our contests,” Nanao explained in her no-nonsense tone, pretty certain that this was the third or fourth time she had done so in one form or another. “It was decided this year that we would vote on the manliest man.”

 

“It's Ken-chan!” Yachiru chirped, leaning forward eagerly in her chair. “S'why I suggested it.”

 

“Yes, well, your opinion is slightly biased, fukutaichou,” Nanao reminded her.

 

“I don't know,” Isane replied, tilting her head to the side and thinking deeply. “Zaraki-taichou is pretty manly. I mean, at least, he's never been mistaken for a woman.”

 

Kiyone looked offended, glaring at her sister. “It was the one time!” she argued, thinking of her dearly beloved captain. “And he was having a great hair day.”

 

“Ukitake-taichou always has great hair days,” Nanao said with a sigh, thinking of her own prim coif. “Besides, Zaraki-taichou styles his hair.”

 

Yachiru pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. “I still say Ken-chan,” she said before suddenly brightening. “Or how about Byakushi?” Her grin stretched wider. “Yeah! Byakushi is super manly.”

 

At the other end of the table, convinced that they had forgotten his presence like they always did, Byakuya straightened with pride. Yes, he was very, very manly. He was rather proud that Yachiru had thought of him. Perhaps he was making an impression, after all. And if he received the vote then that would put all of those ugly rumors to rest. He would finally achieve the respect and admiration and--

 

“Kuchiki-taichou is far too pretty,” Isane interjected with a logical tone, as if she truly had forgotten that said captain was present. “Not to mention his bankai is flowers. That does not say manly to me.”

 

Byakuya immediately deflated, trying and failing to look affronted. She had a point, dammit. If he wasn't already used to hearing such things, he might have been offended. As it were, he could only sit back, sigh, and half-consider cutting off his hair.

 

“In that case, we can easily dismiss Kira-fukutaichou and Ayasegawa-san,” Nanao remarked thoughtfully, making a notation on the small board set up at the front of the room. Then, in hindsight, she started listing all of the male Shinigami up for consideration, crossing off a few others that fit the “too-pretty” disqualification.

 

Rangiku, who for once had finally managed to make a meeting, slouched in her chair, surreptitiously but not really slurping from her sake jug. “Ne, Komamura-taichou's not really a man,” she said with a burp. “And for the love of sake, just cross Kurotsuchi-taichou off now.” She gave a non-subtle shudder.

 

It was echoed in the eyes of the other women and Byakuya, but for Nemu's sake, they kept their comments to a minimum. She didn't seem too annoyed, but one could never really tell sometimes. Besides, it was up to Rangiku to say the rude things, not the other, more polite members of the group.

 

Nanao nodded in agreement. No one seemed fit to argue with Rangiku's suggestions. With those two names crossed off, the board was still too full. She stood back and perused the many names, marker pen clutched firmly in her fingers.

 

Kiyone twitched, still annoyed at her captain being removed, when a thought occurred to her. “Aizen-taichou hides his prettiness behind the dorky glasses,” she said, cutting her eyes at Momo. And for Rangiku's sake she added, “And Hitsugaya-taichou's just a kid; we can't count him either.”

 

Momo sniffed, eyes watering. “Aizen-taichou is manly,” she argued, sounding very much like she was in a little child once again. “And smart. And strong. And--”

 

“--perfect, we know,” chorused the entire Association, Byakuya included.

 

It was an argument they had heard many times before.

 

Pouting, Momo blinked and crossed her arms over her chest, sniffing quite unattractively. “Yeah, well, Yamamoto-soutaichou is too old,” she stated haughtily, as if that would personally offend anyone present. “He's like a grandman not a man.”

 

“Besides, when he was younger, he was girly-looking,” Unohana Retsu added softly, thinking of his pictures in the archive. He actually resembled Kuchiki-taichou, but she wasn't going to say that out loud.

 

Shrugging, Nanao whipped out her marker and crossed a few more names off the list. Thinking deeply, if they were going by great hair, then she went ahead and marked out Abarai-fukutaichou and Tousen-taichou, who went so far as putting braids in his hair. If that wasn't vain, she didn't know what was.

 

“I think that strength should be a factor,” Byakuya suggested logically, well aware that him actively taking part in this Association was not adding to his manliness factor. He couldn't help that Rukia was often gone during the meeting times, though he secretly suspected she planned it that way because it amused her.

 

Yachiru tilted her head to the side, visibly restraining herself from launching across the table to glomp her second-favorite captain. “Whatcha mean, Byakushi?”

 

He twitched at the nickname. “That perhaps the `manliest man', as it has been so elegantly put, should be someone with some power. Certainly, no one below a third-seat, or dare I say it, a vice-captain.”

 

The perky girl scrunched up her nose before beaming brightly. “Okay!” Yachiru agreed and waved her hands at Nanao. “Mark off anyone that ain't that. Kay, Librarian-san?”

 

The marker scratched across the board, leaving them with very few names left.

 

Briefly perusing them, Soi-fon resisted the urge to scrunch up her nose in disgust. “Omaeda might not be girly, but he's disgusting,” she said with a snort. “And Ikkaku wears make-up on his eyes.”

 

“Sasekibe-fukutaichou styles his mustache when he thinks no one is looking,” Nemu suggested, trying her best to recall any other records the twelfth division had on those remaining on the board. “Plus, he is rather old.”

 

Rangiku sighed and shook her nearly empty sake jug mournfully. There just wasn't enough to get her through the rest of the meeting.

 

“Iba secretly primps his hair,” she said boredly. “He keeps a comb in his back pocket, and I've seen him use Ikkaku's head as a mirror. And he's an idiot.”

 

“This isn't an intelligence contest,” Nanao reminded her sternly but obediently crossed those named anyways. She didn't want to be there all night either. “What about Ichimaru-taichou?”

 

The Association considered it. And thought about it. And shifted in their seats as the clock ticked on.

 

“Well, he is strong,” Isane suggested tentatively.

 

Rangiku snorted. “He looks like a puff of wind could knock him over, Isane.”

 

“Yeah, but… that doesn't make him girly,” the fourth division vice-captain argued back indignantly.

 

Yachiru dug a finger in her ear, beginning to grow bored. “We'll come back to him. What `bout the others?”

 

“Do we even need to wonder about Kyouraku-taichou?” Kiyone pointed out. If her captain wasn't going to win, then neither was Nanao's. “The man wears pink. And he is obsessed with flowers.”

 

Unfortunately for Kiyone, Nanao was not the least bit perturbed that her captain wasn't manly enough. In fact, if he turned out to be gay, she would be perfectly all right with that. She even prayed for it from time to time, thinking that maybe then his attention would be diverted from her.

 

“You're right, Kiyone,” she agreed, crossing out Shunsui's name as firmly as she could. No need to let the man's ego get any larger, after all.

 

She regarded the two remaining names with indecision.

 

“Hisagi-fukutaichou seems to fit all of your qualifications,” Byakuya inserted with a bit of jealousy. “He is relatively strong and does not appear girly.”

 

Yachiru bounced in her seat excitedly. “Scar-face has tattoos, too! He's like… super manly.” She seemed to have forgotten about her earlier endeavor to promote her own captain.

 

“Very well.” Nanao adjusted her glasses, raking her gaze over the group. “Can anyone think of a reason to disqualify Hisagi-san?”

 

At that, Isane and Retsu, who had been mostly silent up until that moment, exchanged knowing glances, a bit of a smirk in the vice-captain's expression. Nanao noticed this immediately, growing incredibly interested.

 

“What?”

 

Isane smiled sheepishly, but it was her captain who responded, “Hisagi-san is a very good knitter,” Retsu replied kindly, thinking fondly of the time she had found him knitting a sweater at Abarai-san's bedside when the other male was recovering from a rough training session. “His scarves are beautiful,” she added, thinking of the collection she had tucked away in her wardrobe, gifts of gratitude the vice-captain had made just for her.

 

There was a moment of silence before the majority of the Association broke out into laughter, surprised by this unusual turn of events. Even Byakuya managed a chuckle or two at the thought of badass Hisagi Shuuhei knitting a scarf like some old biddy.

 

Nanao covered her face with her hand, and to anyone else it might have seemed she was annoyed. Truthfully, she was surreptitiously wiping away tears of restrained laughter. When she finally regained control of herself, it was with the realization that they had but one candidate left. And it was the last person that she would have expected.

 

“I suppose that makes Ichimaru-taichou the winner,” she commented, circling his name and putting two stars to either side of it once the laughter died down.

 

Dead silence circled around the Women's Association broken only by Yachiru's giggling. “Wait til we tell him!” she said, nodding enthusiastically. “And everyone else, too! This was a great idea!”

 

Needless to say, it was with great pleasure that Yachiru forced Nanao and Rangiku to tack up the poster proclaiming Ichimaru Gin's victory right in the middle of central headquarters where everyone and their brother, sister, cousin, and dog could see it.

 

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