Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Things Never Spoken ❯ Who I Really Am ( Chapter 9 )

Chapter 9

As Ichigo stepped onto the porch, wiping the water from his face, another flash of lightning light up the sky behind him. He cursed as Rukia ran up to him, worry in her tired eyes.

“Nothing?” she said with a pout on her lips.

The soaked shinigami shook his head as Ururu walked up and handed him a towel. “Thanks” he uttered, moving to wipe his face.

Rukia frowned and plopped down, facing out toward the storm, “It’s nearly morning. It‘s been three days…” She hugged her knees into her chest. She felt horrible. “This is my fault.”

Ichigo coughed lightly as he sat beside her, “its not.” he said wiping himself down, “Don’t worry. We’ll find him.” He was worried. It’s like he’d just vanished. No reiatsu, no nothing. This torrential downpour didn’t help the situation either… wherever Renji was, he at least hoped the man was dry.

Urahara appeared at her side with his hands resting atop a large umbrella. He looked down at her and she sighed as she stood, taking the yellow poncho he offered her and pulling it on. She then grabbed the umbrella and nodded to both of them before heading back out to continue the search.

* * *

“Renji!” the cry barely echoed through the roar of the rain. “Renji!” it came again. “Renji, please! Answer me!”

The rain saturated his loose mane of red hair as he sat still, propped up against the wall. The alley way was dark and a stream ran down the center toward a drain that bellowed in his ears. The water washed over him as he stared at the angrily rolling pool in front of him listening to the faintly calling voice in the distance.

Things were becoming clearer… slowly, but it was happening. It had been hard; trying to move, trying to listen, trying to think. Making decisions, even simple things like scratching his arm, or rolling over, took him tremendous will-power in the beginning. He still felt empty and lost, but at least he recognized that he felt that now.

“Renji!”

That familiar voice was closer now. He could go to her if he wanted to, but he lacked that particular inclination right now. She was, after all, afraid of him. The way she’d looked at him before, he could recall it like it was a painted picture in his mind. Tears. Fear. Reluctance. Who was he? Why was she so afraid? He traced the hole in his chest with slow, tedious circles as he recalled images of her face. Rukia. Her name was there in his mind, pictures of her, like a photo album he went through them. Her smiles were the ones he lingered on the longest.

His tongue came out to lick the trickling droplets from his top lip as she cried out again. He turned his eyes toward the end of the alley as her calls grew nearer. He remembered her face as she was kissing the boy on the porch. He could see the affection, the trust and contentment on her features. He could recall the familiar young man suckling on her porcelain neck. He could see it so closely in his mind that their body heat wisped over him, and it hurt somehow. He knew her, but he didn’t know himself. He didn’t even know what he wanted, or why. To touch her, the way that boy had been touching her, to taste her succulent skin, made his stomach tingle with butterflies.

As the strained voice arrived at the end of the alley way, he saw her tiny form, wrapped in her yellow poncho and holding an oversized umbrella. He looked for a moment through the corner of his eye, but inevitably turned his head away.

* * *

Her voice was hoarse from calling, soaked and cold, she was about to go back when she saw the subtle movement in her peripheral vision. She stopped and looked hard through the fat raindrops, calling the questioningly.

She was unsure for a moment. It looked like a figure sitting there, but it was hard to make out. She stepped forward into the alley way cocking her head to the side and squinting against the rain and darkness. “Renji, is it you?”

She was almost upon him when suddenly he stood, his towering height emphasized by her petite form. She almost stepped back, as fear clattered her bones. She saw the deep crimson locks dripping generously and realized then that it was indeed him.

He turned his head and she laid eyes on the well-known face of her life-long friend. He didn’t look mad, or sad, or anything really… blank and placid. She still felt as if she didn’t know him. The fear lingered in her mind, but she hammered it down and forced herself to stay here in front of him, and remain calm. “Come home, Renji.” she said softly. She pried her fingers from the umbrella’s handle and reached out, offering him her hand. Home had always been a relative term to Renji. He’d told her once before that home was wherever his friends were and that his home had always been a place she carried with her… she knew he probably didn’t remember any of that, but maybe something would spark.

The Hollowfied shinigami stared at the outstretched hand as the rain continued to pound down over him. When he didn’t react she finally spoke again, her voice wavering and raw, “Please.”

Scarlet eyes watched her so diligently, the trembling of her fingers, the tiny quivering of her lips, the nervous darting of her eyes. He blinked the rain water from his eyes and turned away.

“Please don‘t leave… talk to me. I need to hear your voice…” she whimpered at his back as her outstretched hand dropped to her side.

He paused as he absorbed her words, “Rukia.” he said softly and she seemed to tense in anticipation. He turned halfway back to her so that she was again in his sights, “I know you.”

She pursed her lips in an awkward smile and nodded, “I… know you too.”

There was a pause before he spoke again, “I don’t.” His voice was flat and strange to him.

She frowned at his words, “Renji… I… I‘m sorry.” She lowered her head as she apologized, feeling all the fear she’d had abruptly slough off. She felt silly now, as she finally saw him. He was here all the time, lost and waiting for her.

She looked up when she felt the warmth of his fingers slide up along her damp cheek. He moved the wet strand of hair that clung at the corner of her mouth, and her wide violet eyes watched his face pensively.

“I… forgive you.” came his raspy, yet comfortingly familiar voice. He didn’t really know why she was apologizing, but he would forgive her, if only to gaze upon her perfect face a bit longer.

She smiled and brought her hand up to grab his’ softly and pull it from her cheek, “You always do.”

* * *

“Abarai! Nice to see you again!” came Urahara’s chirpy voice as Rukia stepped in with the dripping wet Hollow in tow.

Ichigo came galloping down the hall as he heard the voices. “You found him!” he cried with a relieved smile on his face.

Renji was quiet and diverted his eyes as the orange-haired boy entered the room.

Rukia smiled back to him as she removed her soaked poncho, “He was over on Ninth Street huddled up in an alley way.” she said not noticing as Renji coyly clung to the back of her sleeve.

“Seriously? So close?” he shook his head and disappeared into the hall for a moment before returning with two towels. After handing one to Rukia he held one up to Renji, “Missed you, dude,” he said to the taller man. “You wanna dry off?” Even though he knew Renji wasn’t really all there, he tried to coax a response out. Surprise gripped him when the soggy red-head reached out and took the towel.

“Ah… Renji, are you… Is your head okay?” he mused as he watched his friend in amazement. His question answered itself however when a fist flew into his face causing him to fly back over the wooden table with a loud crash.

“Renji!” Rukia yelled in repremand as the red-head lowered his hand with the towel and seemed to slink back, “I wanted to do that…. for some reason.”

Ichigo sat up from behind the table with a groan, holding his face, “Jerk… I liked you better when you were stupid.”

* * *

He had his eyes tightly closed as Rukia was kneeling in front of him, rapidly drying his head with a towel. She let the towel droop as she stopped to assess if he was dry enough or not and ultimately decided that he was.

Renji was quiet and his eyes were downcast as she sat back on her knees looking at him. His eyes were still very strange and unreadable to her, but she was happy at least that he was improving. He seemed like he’d lost a lot of weight, perhaps he was a bit paler than usual as well. His long hair was tussled and spilling all over his shoulders and face, and she had noticed he had a bit of stubble poking out where he would have normally kept it trim and clean. She sighed as she got to her feet and left to retrieve somethings.

Renji looked after her seemingly unsure, but upon her return he again felt at ease. “Let’s fix you up a bit.” she said as she laid a pile of things beside him. “Here. Change out of your wet clothes.”

He looked at her face, and then to the clothes. Slowly, as if he were thinking he picked them up and stood. Watching them in his hands for a moment before letting them tumble open.

“Go change… You can do it right?” she asked skeptically standing before him.

He turned and went into his room, and Rukia closed the sliding door behind him. She heard the thud of wet clothes hit the floor followed by a long pause and then the flap of moving fabric. She startled when she heard a loud thud. “Do you need my help?” she asked cocking her head toward the door.

“I can do it!” he said, sounding more like himself than she’d heard him in what seemed like ages. She giggled. He sounded like he was frustrated. There was a silence then and she heard him call her name meekly. She opened the door and saw him sitting there, his clothes twisted and muddled on him. His shirt was on backwards for one… She sighed and pulled it off, but gasped as she looked at him. His ribs were more prominent than she had been expecting. He’d barely eaten the first two days, and finally finding him again after these past three, she supposed it was to be expected, but still… It disturbed her to know how terribly he’d been treated… even at the Gotei 13 prison.

She shook herself from her thoughts and managed to get his clothes in working order. Happily, he’d managed the hakama himself, so she didn’t have to see anything inappropriate… not that she hadn’t seen him naked before, it’s just… well, it was different to actually have to dress him.

As he sat on the walk path outside his room, not minding the rain pouring off the roof a few feet away, he kept his eyes trained on Rukia. She smiled sheepishly and blushed a bit, “Renji. You’re making me nervous.” Normally, she might have just elbowed him in the face and told him to knock it off, but he seemed so oblivious… child-like. She felt she had to be gentle with him… for now.

He gave a somewhat dejected sounding “Oh” as he looked away.

Rukia sighed as she grabbed the brush she’d brought earlier and stepped up behind him. As she ran the bristles through his tangled mane, he was eased into a tranquil calm. The small girl ran the brush through the fiery locks over and over until it was as slick and smooth as oil. Somehow it made her feel calmer as well. The scent of him was familiar and soothing. It was strange to think she knew his scent, but after sleeping next to him for the span of their childhood and being so near to him in the academy and with the Gotei 13, she could probably pick him out in a crowd on scent alone. Grabbing the rubber band on her wrist, she pulled his hair into the typical ponytail he liked to wear it in, and then came and sat down in front of him.

He felt the tail as if seeing what it was she had done, but then after realizing his hair was bound and not in his face anymore he nodded, “I like this.” he said.

She smiled, “Of course you do. That’s always how you wear it, even back when we were little”

As he was still admiring the ponytail he felt her hand on his face and immediately locked eyes with her. She sprayed a blob of white foam in her hand and then reached up and rubbed it over his mouth and chin. “Urahara doesn’t seem to use it much so I didn’t think he’d mind if I borrowed it for you.”

He sat very still as she applied the foam, thinking at how it was familiar, yet he couldn’t remember why. She had a cup of water and a razor sitting near his leg and scooted forward as she picked the razor from the cup and leaned in close to his face. He felt the razor slid across his skin as he watched Rukia’s intense concentration. The metal blade swiped through the foam and then she dipped it into the water. It repeated until all the foam was gone and she picked up the towel again and wiped his face. He seemed entranced, watching every minute motion that played on her face.

“Not too bad” she said as she admired her handiwork, “I was worried they wouldn’t be even.” She wore a crooked smirk as she pet his sideburns. Suddenly she paused and leaned back a tad as she felt the heat of his breath on her cheek. ‘Did he just lean in?’ she thought as she now felt extremely awkward sitting between his legs. He didn’t appear to be backing off either as she felt his hand creeping up her arm; something she not only found intimidating and strange, but incredibly embarrassing. Surely if he had his wits he wouldn’t be doing this. She stood up, “I will go find you some food.” she said as she stepped back from him.

Renji stared at her a bit puzzled but inevitably he nodded and she hurriedly trotted away. ‘I wasn’t supposed to do that.’ His memories were fragmented as they flowed back into his jumbled mind. ‘She is not mine to take.’ He heard the whisper inside of his mind. ‘…but why?’ he replied as he discovered the iron rule floating in his head. ‘I want her. I want to be with her…What else matters?’

* * *

“I think it would be for the best.” Urahara said scratching his prickly chin as Renji and Rukia sat beside him.

“Is this really what you wanna do?” Ichigo asked looking to the red-head for final approval.

“There’s not really a choice,” came Renji’s rough sounding voice. “I appreciate everything you guys have done for me up til now,” he said looking up from the table, “I know I been a real pain in the ass.”

“You don‘t have to go, Renji.” Urahara clarified as he looked at the much improved young man at his side.

“I know, but I want to.” He stood and walked to his room to gather what little belongings he had.

“Renji,” Rukia stood in his door with a slightly concerned look on her face, “Its still… It’s too soon for you to be on your own yet.”

He looked up at her with a stack of clothes in his hands, “I’m tired of being a burden, that’s all. I can think straight, the hollow is gone, my chest is closed up. Everything is falling into place.” he divided his attention between packing his duffle bag and talking to her.

“You don’t know if it’s really gone! It could come back,” she argued. “What are you going to do if it comes back and you’re all alone somewhere?”

After shouldering the bag he turned and put his hand on her shoulder, “I appreciate your concern, Rukia, but if I lose it again… you’re the last person I want to be in my path.”

Her expression softened as she looked into his eyes.

“Yeah. I’d roll you faster than a pair of dice at a craps game.” he cocked a grin at her before side-stepping her imminent swing.

“Idiot! Where are you going to go?! You’ve got no money! You don‘t even have a job anymore!” she growled as she stormed after him.

“You’re not my mother, Rukia! I’ll figure it out on my own. Worry about your own job, why don‘t ya? Stop worrying about me.” he said with a curl on his lips

“I have to worry about you! You’re an idiot! Idiot! Idiot!!! You don‘t even have Zabimaru with you!” she screamed at his back.

He stopped, “That… has crossed my mind…” Looking back over his shoulder, he saw the red-faced shinigami gritting her teeth at him. “You know, if it isn’t too much trouble…” he began but was cut short when she ran up and kicked him in the back of his leg.

“Don’t you even ask me to get him for you! They have that sword under lock and key! It would be too obvious if I took it! Are you sure your brain is really better?” she asked contemptuously.

He sighed, “…Forget it.” In truth he was a bit reluctant to be off on his own. Rukia voiced his concerns loud and clear, but they weren’t going to go away regardless of if he stayed or not. If he stayed with them it would only be a matter of time before soul society discovered his whereabouts. By then their loyalties would be in question and they would be facing charges of their own. He had to do this for their sakes… that was the convenient explanation he’d given them, and it was all true at the very least. The other reason that motivated him had to do with her, and how every moment he spent near her was torture.

His want for her was like a beating physical pain in his chest. How can the two things he wanted more than anything else in the world contradict each other so terribly; her happiness… and his.

To top it off, knowing the way she felt about Ichigo was like an extra slap in the face. He would not try to stop it, though. He promised himself, he would never be the one to hold her back, and it was a promise he had to keep, even if it meant letting her go. The only thing he had to do was nothing at all… Why did that seem like the hardest thing in the world right now?

* * *

“Hey.” The substitute shinigami called as Renji exited the shop that had been his home for the past week and a half.

The red-head adjusted his gigai’s headband as he turned to the voice.

“Listen.” Ichigo began, “I know you’re probably pissed at me--”

“I’m not.” Renji said impassively.

The boy looked at him skeptically before scratching his neck and turning his eyes away, “Right well… take this.” he said as he held out a wad of cash to the man.

Renji’s eyes widened a bit, “What’s this for?”

“Just take it. I’m trying to do you a favor.”

The tattooed man reluctantly took the money, “You tryin’ to buy me back with favors? Cause I told ya I don’t care.”

“I’m not doing it cause of that…You’re my friend.” Ichigo said a little embarrassed. “There’s a place about an hour’s drive from here. Me and my old man used to take my sisters for the weekend… It’s a vacation house sorta thing…” He shoved his hands in his pockets, “Its empty this time of year… you could probably stay there if you wanted.”

Renji nodded, “Thanks… Ichigo.” He put a hand on the boy’s shoulder and brought him in for a quick hug, which Ichigo returned with a light pat on the back.

He held out a torn piece of paper to the red-head, “Here’s the address… The cash should cover the bus fare… The key‘s under the green rock in the garden window.”

Renji took the paper and shoved it into his pocket, and then he nodded and stepped down from the wooden porch, “Seeya then.”

A/N: Thanks for reading, Reviews/Suggestions appreciated. And yes, I know Renji needs to just put it in already…. I’m biding my time…