Bleach Fan Fiction ❯ Zanpaku-to? ❯ Rhubarb, Bets and Rotten Fishheads ( Chapter 21 )

Tite Kubo owns Bleach. I just borrowed the characters. I did create Atonomatsuri (the bird) and Piecrust (the jerk).

 

Rhubarb, Bets and Rotten Fish heads

 

On the way back to his office, Zaraki ignored the curious glances as he walked past. He was carrying a few bags. So what? They had dolls in them. He quickly glanced down at the bags and noticed that they just seemed filled with boxes. No one could see the dolls. Why the curious looks? Hadn't they seen him carry bags before?

 

Then he realised, he was never seen to carry bags unless they contained food or drink, and not often even then. Shopping was not something he normally did, usually instructing others to make his purchases on his behalf. Grimacing to himself, he increased his pace to make the journey shorter. They were near his office and at his speed it shouldn't take very long to reach there. Madarame was struggling to keep up, hampered as he was by the bags.

 

“Out of condition, are you Madarame? You should be able to run faster than that,” Zaraki observed. “Maybe you need training as much as everyone else.”

 

“Give me a break, Captain, these dolls are heavy.” Madarame panted as he answered. Zaraki could see the sweat beginning to form on his brow and his colour was not a healthy flush, but a painful scarlet.

 

“They're not that heavy. Not as heavy as my new zanpaku-to is. Keep up, just around the corner, and we're there. Move it.” Zaraki was pleased to see his familiar domain. He wanted to check to see if he what he wanted was included in his purchases.

 

Madarame did not answer, his focus seemed to be on keeping up with Zaraki and reaching their destination as soon as possible. As soon as Zaraki unlocked the door, Madarame dropped the bags to the floor and slumped into a chair. He leant back and closed his eyes while Zaraki scrutinized him, noticing his face was beaded with perspiration and he swallowed convulsively a few times as if he was trying to prevent himself from vomiting. Suddenly Zaraki realised what was wrong.

 

“You've got a hangover, haven't you?” Zaraki recognised the signs. He wondered why he hadn't noticed until now, but then remembered all the other matters that had absorbed his attention.

 

Madarame opened one eye and looked at his captain, guardedly. Shutting his eye, he fanned himself with a hand as if trying to cool down, not answering the question as if hoping Zaraki would let the matter go if he did not reply. He should have known better.

 

“How bad is it?” It was obvious Madarame did not want to answer, but Zaraki was not about to let it rest. The guy was answerable to him and he should respond without trying to disguise the truth.

 

“Not too bad.” The obvious, unconvincing lie slipped out of Madarame's mouth and he swallowed hard again.

 

“I can tell it's bad, I've seen you with hangovers before. What did you do? I thought you left when we did?” Zaraki wanted more information. They had agreed to an early night and this hangover smacked of insubordination.

 

“It was an accident. I bumped into Abarai and he wanted to talk. You remember him, don't you? He was in our Division until he became assistant captain of 6th Division.” Madarame kept his eyes closed as he spoke either because he did not want to look at Zaraki, or because he felt ill.

 

“Yeah, how could I forget? Aizen chucked him out because he was always fighting, or so he said. Abarai should never have joined 5th Division anyway, that bunch of sissy's. I remember the meeting after Abarai's managed to bankai and then used it on his own captain? I admire his grit, but he was pretty stupid to face off Kuchiki with a bankai he's hardly had time to use and it really annoyed that cold fish. It was an interesting meeting when the old man had to convince Kuchiki to keep him as an assistant captain. I can understand his viewpoint; you shouldn't do that to your captain unless you're prepared to kill him or die in the attempt; remember that Madarame.” Zaraki paused as he thought. “If you have a hangover, why do you want to fight me? You hate fighting when you have a hangover, because it prevents your enjoyment of the battle and why did you agreed to a two on one fight, when you hate those? One on one is your style. Why did meeting Abarai cause you to drink so much?” This didn't make sense to Zaraki.

 

“Abarai made a bet with me that I wouldn't fight you today, with a hangover, in front of 11th Division. He knows I hate fighting with one, especially if I have to fight you because I need all my attention to watch your moves. I don't want to lose the bet. I drank so much because he kept pouring them to guarantee that the hangover was genuine and would be this bad. I can't complain too much, at least he was paying. I wasn't thinking when I agreed to the two on one fight as I was trying to stop my guts from spilling their contents. I wonder how Abarai's going with his bet.” Madarame smiled mischievously as he sat there, his eyes still shut. “We'll hear about it soon enough. At least I don't mind my bet but he was pretty dumb to agree to the one I suggested.”

 

“Drink some water, fool. Here, eat this; it's left over from last night.” Zaraki thrust a bun into Madarame's hand and poured him a glass of water. “I mean now,” he said as his subordinate hesitated. “If you're going to vomit, the water will make you vomit anyway and it'll be over with. Eat and drink slowly. I wish I had some of Retsu's hangover cure; that would help really fast. Hold on, she gave me an extra one.” Zaraki searched his desk and found the bottle of vile green liquid. He poured it into a glass and taking the bun from Madarame, placed the glass in his hand and forced him to drink it.

 

Madarame shuddered at the taste and retched. Zaraki remembered how that felt and the awful taste of the liquid, but could summon no sympathy for his third seat. A few seconds later, Madarame appeared a little better and drank the water. He got to his feet and poured some more water. After drinking two more glasses, he blinked and looked at his captain.

 

“That stuff is disgusting but it works, I've never recovered quicker and the headache's nearly gone. You say Captain Unohana gave it to you? I think you should keep her as a friend, so she keeps supplying it. That liquid is gold.” He grabbed the bun and started consuming it as if he had forgotten what food tasted like.

 

“Yeah, the first time I had it, I didn't believe it would work. In an hour or two you'll feel normal, or as normal as you ever do. What did you bet Abarai?” Zaraki was curious about the sort of twisted idea that Madarame would propose to his friend. If Madarame thought the agreement was dumb, it would be something that would cause humiliation for more than one Shinigami.

 

“I can't tell you. I could tell you about my bet, because you accepted the fight. Abarai must have been really drunk or arrogant to think he'll get away with what he agreed to do, or maybe both. The other problem is we made a whole string of bets that get worse each time. I'm not looking forward to the second one.” Madarame had finished the bun and was now at the table looking for more food to eat.

 

Zaraki shook his head. This was going to be a hard week if Madarame had been making stupid bets. He did this sometimes when he was drunk and felt that he needed to shake up the Seireitei a little, which had often meant he ended up in the cells as a result. “How many wagers this time? I thought Abarai had stopped acting like an idiot, at least most of the time, since he became an assistant-captain.”

 

“Five bets each and we have to finish them by the end of the week. Yeah, he has calmed down; this time we don't try to sleep with someone. They're mainly physical or intellectual challenges.” Madarame had found and quickly swallowed another bun and was now seated again, eating an overripe banana.

 

Zaraki made a face at the banana, as he believed overripe bananas were only good as practical jokes, and then he shut his eyes for a moment, as he remembered the bet that Madarame had mentioned. Once before, when Abarai was still in 11th Division, he and the 3rd seat had a string of bets which culminated in them competing to sleep with either Captain Soi Fon or Assistant Captain Ise Nanao. Needless to say, both of them lost the last wager. Neither of them even tried to approach the Captain, common sense winning over the blind optimism of a bet made during a drinking session. The attempts to sleep with the Assistant Captain made them both very unpopular with 8th Division. Captain Kyoraku was affronted by Madarame's attempt and had put aside his laid back persona when he had visited to complain about the incident. Zaraki had never seen him so angry and he'd had to mete out punishment to both Madarame and Abarai for making the bets. They'd been on garbage and latrine duty for a month, as well as under curfew with all privileges denied. It had been an unpleasant month.

 

“What was it you did, exactly? I forget.” Zaraki asked.

 

“The bet only said sleep; sex was not mentioned. I managed to get into her bedroom one night and I tried to get into bed with her when she was sleeping. I had clothes on, I wouldn't have touched her, but she woke up just as I was about to get in beside her. At first I was irritated because I was so close to winning but that didn't last for long. Ise can punch pretty hard and I think I was lucky to get away before the captain arrived or she got her hands on her zanpaku-to.” Madarame grimaced at the memory. “Abarai tried a more normal method, after that, and decided to ask her on a date but she'd heard about the bet by then, and when he asked her out, he ended up with a black eye. It's not that bad this time.” Madarame paused and looked at the bags scattered through the office. “Captain, why did you buy the…” Madarame faltered under Zaraki's glare.

 

Zaraki was glaring hard at him. Had he forgotten the possibility that the office might be bugged by a certain captain? The conversation about the bets would not interest any potential eavesdropper, but a mention of the dolls might alert anyone who overheard the conversation of the idea he was still forming.

 

For a moment the 3rd seat looked confused by the glare and then it seemed he understood his mistake. He nodded slightly. He raised an eyebrow and mouthed `Tonight?' at Zaraki who nodded in response.

 

“Why did you buy the rhubarb? You know Yachiru hates it.” Madarame was trying to cover his mistake.

 

Zaraki frowned. Rhubarb? What was the man talking about? He hadn't bought rhubarb, he'd bought dolls. Suddenly, he had an evil idea and grinned at his subordinate, hoping he would play along. “You remember. It's one of the ingredients in that poison the Clown Captain is so interested in. He doesn't realise that Retsu worked out how to reproduce the poison and I don't want him to know. I want Retsu to make another batch so she can find the antidote and she needs the rhubarb.”

 

Madarame's face contorted at Zaraki's words and for a moment he wondered if his third seat was having a fit, and then realised Madarame was trying to control his laughter. If the Clown Captain was listening, all the rhubarb in Seireitei would be purchased by the 12th Division shortly. That should provide a distraction for some time, while he tried to work out the other ingredients, but it might be fun if he complicated matters a little further.

 

“I couldn't find any rotten fish heads, which makes it harder. The fresh ones will take days to become rotten and I'm unsure if the rhubarb will last, but maybe the poison will be more toxic if the rhubarb is a bit wilted. I wouldn't know, but Captain Unohana will.”

 

Madarame now had his hands firmly clamped over his mouth as tears leaked down his cheeks. His shoulders were shaking and he was turning red from his attempts to prevent the laughter escaping from his mouth. He was obviously picturing the 12th Division experimenting with rhubarb and rotten fish heads, trying to make a toxic poison that suppressed the reiatsu. With grim amusement, Zaraki realised that he had commenced his campaign against Kurotsuchi, albeit unwittingly. Would the Clown Captain believe a poison could be created using rhubarb and fish heads?

 

“Kenny, are you trying to protect me from the Clown Captain by making this up? I'm touched, very touched that you care enough to try to divert that man away from me. Maybe I am making a silk purse from a sow's ear in my efforts to change you.” Atonomatsuri said quietly in his mind.

 

Disregarding her comments and taking pity on Madarame, who looked like he was about to explode with laughter at any time, Zaraki changed the subject. “Retsu told me that Piecrust will be returning tomorrow. We've got to work out a way of training the jerk, so that he improves and doesn't end up in 4th Division every day. Captain Yamamoto warned me about the number of visits he's already paid. Do you think Yachiru can be trusted to train with him?”

 

Madarame sobered at the question, hiccuping slightly as his breathing eased. He mopped his eyes and drank some more water before he replied. “The problem is: Piecrust's slow, not just in movement, but how he learns things. From what I've seen he won't listen to anyone if their words don't agree with his ideas, which is bad for both a fighter and a Shinigami. I don't know if there's much point in trying to teach him. He can't accept new ideas which means he can only repeat the same moves and same methods, over again, which will limit him. Yachiru will become annoyed and will act on that frustration, thinking that if she shows him, he might learn. You know how fast she can be and I don't think we can protect him from her. I'm not sure we should. The Captain-General may not be happy, but it may be the only way Piecrusts can learn. He's wary of Yumichika now, since their fight; have you noticed how he hunches over when Yumichika gets close to him, as if protecting his chest? Maybe he will learn to respect Yachiru because he lost so badly to her,” looking at his captain, he smiled slightly, “or not. I don't know how he's going to react to her present.”

 

Zaraki frowned at the mention of the present, a reminder of the dolls. News would probably leak back to 12th Division that he'd bought dolls, but maybe not. Not many people had observed the transaction. “Yeah, true, but why doesn't he fear you? You beat him in full view of everyone, without even trying. Damn, even his attempts at kido were a miserable failure. He's scared of me, which proves he's not a complete idiot; otherwise he would have challenged me for the captaincy before this, but he's arrogant enough to think he can beat a 3rd seat. Piecrust's scared of Ayasegawa because he cut him… That's it. You have to cut the moron before he'll take you seriously. I insist you cut the jerk, next time you see him, just not too deeply. You can chase him around if you want, but make sure you cut him enough to draw blood and make it hurt. It might mean he has to go back to 4th Division but he'll recover quickly, or we can keep him here and tend him ourselves.” A wicked smile crossed Zaraki's face as he thought about it. “We can get someone from 4th to visit once a day just to check on him, a male, but not one that's too attractive. That way I can monitor Piecrusts' healing progress.” Thinking a little more, Zaraki laughed. “Did it occur to you that the jerk likes going to 4th because he can proposition the nurses and lay around, being taken care of. It fits with him being a lazy little sod. We can fix that.”

 

Madarame's face mirrored the wicked smile and then he laughed. “Captain, I've got to say you're picking up on things I hadn't noticed. I'm impressed. It seems like you've changed a lot recently, for the better. It is because of…” Realising what he'd nearly said, Madarame quickly shut his mouth. He looked worriedly at his captain, as if wondering if he'd said too much.

 

“There's nothing different, Madarame. Nothing had changed except we are training the division more seriously and they're now trying to talk to their zanpaku-to's. Do you think we should mention you can try to talk to them mentally, or will we allow the babble to continue?” Zaraki replied calmly. He smiled at his third seat, knowing that he would quickly pick up on what was being said.

 

“Nah. Don't tell them. I've heard some of the division say some really funny things like: `You are one of the noble zanpaku-to's, a weapon without peer; a necessary companion and support for a Shinigami.”

 

The cackling laugh of Atonomatsuri echoed through Zaraki's mind as he heard those words. “And so our past words come to haunt us. Oh, Kenny boy, you said those words to me. Tell me, is there a script handed out by the Academy, of the necessary saccharine platitudes one may utter to a zanpaku-to, or did you have to make that one up yourself?”

 

Not noticing his captain's reaction, Madarame continued. “I heard another one say: `I want to get to know you, to talk with you. I think we can be stronger together.' It's unbelievable, the crap some people will say when they're trying to do something they're unsure about.” Madarame smiled but his expression slowly froze as he looked at his captain`s face.

 

Zaraki was trying to ignore Atonomatsuri's laughter in his head as she commented further. “You did steal those words! I knew you hadn't thought about them by yourself. Hey, I have an idea; why not write a book for Shinigami who need to know how to speak to their zanpaku-to. Maybe you could include a section on words you can use in condolence and birthday cards.” Her laughter pealed through his mind. “Perhaps you can use: `I await our final meeting in the twilight kingdom'. That would be a nice incomprehensible statement to make, and it would probably prove very popular amongst people with no imagination.”

 

Lifting his hand, he almost hit his forehead to drive out the taunting voice within his mind. The bird's memory could not be faulted, damn her eyes. “Shut up flea bag. You talked to me, no matter what I said. I'm busy now; leave me alone. I don't have time for you.”

 

There was a hurt silence and then he heard her say, “You should make time for me, Kenny. You need me more than you can possibly imagine. The dolls aren't a bad idea, and I think I understand the trick that you have planned but you will need to be careful and mindful of the possible pitfalls of this venture. Think it through before you mention it to anyone else. I think we need to talk again so that you can understand the importance of my advice and judgement.”

 

Zaraki caught the shudder that threatened to overtake him. Talking with the putrid poultry usually meant being taken into his mind again, and having been there only the night before, he was loath to experience yet another discussion with the bird in that location.

 

“Um, Captain, you look pale. Aren't you feeling well? I thought you might find the things people are saying amusing, but you're not laughing or even smiling.” Madarame face expressed concern, as if he was worried that his captain was ill.

 

“It's nothing. I'm fine. Maybe we should tell them that they can talk to their zanpaku-to's with their mind. It'll be less distracting. I'll tell them this afternoon.” Zaraki looked at his clock. “It is afternoon. We better get out to the training ground and fight. Are you sure you want to try this? The last real challenge I had was that kid, Ichigo. Fighting Tosen bored me once I worked out how to beat his bankai, because his moves were predictable and his conversation was dull. For one moment, when I'd heard the traitors left, I felt sorry for Ichimaru being trapped with the guy, but that passed really fast. Are you okay?”

 

Madarame looked at Zaraki, a hint of shock in his eyes. “I'm sorry, Captain?”

 

“Are you feeling okay to fight? You were feeling really sick earlier, remember, but you have to fight me because of your stupid bet with Abarai. Wake up, Madarame.” Zaraki's tone was brusque as he realised that he'd rambled on slightly.

 

“Fighting Tosen bored you? Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm ready to fight.” Madarame got to his feet and tossed the banana peel into a bin.

 

“Come on then, let's make it interesting. First one to draw blood, wins. Does that suit you? I'll use the basic form of my zanpaku-to and you can use any, except your bankai. Agreed?” Zaraki thought it was a fair offer. “If you lose, you have to wake early and help me train in private.”

 

A small smile touched Madarame's mouth. “And if I win, I get to sleep in for a week, no extra duties and you pay for the food and sake.” His eyes gleamed at the prospect.

 

Zaraki barked out a laugh. “Lazy beggar. Agreed, except you have to wake early for a week if you lose, and tell me the rest of the bet.” He was interested if Madarame would agree to the last condition, knowing that his code of honour was strong.

 

“I can't tell you the bet, Captain, you know that. I made a promise and I don't break promises to friends. You'll find out about the bet soon enough.” Madarame was firm in his refusal as Zaraki had expected.

 

“I wonder where Yachiru is; she likes to watch a good fight. I don't think we should start until she gets back. We may as well go to the training ground and wait for her there. We can do a bit of drilling first, and I better explain the other method of talking with zanpaku-to's.” Zaraki sighed, unwilling to leave his office. “I suppose we better lock the door, I don't want anyone stealing my purchases.”

 

After locking the door, Zaraki and Madarame wandered slowly to the training ground. On the way Zaraki felt a familiar weight drop onto his shoulders.

 

“Ken-chan, you haven't fought Baldy yet, have you? You waited for me didn't you? Piecrust wasn't very well. He bawled and hid under the sheets when I asked to see his cuts, the stupid jerk. Then he complained about a stomach ache and ran out of the room. I went and talked to Lolly for a while, and ate some of the lollies she had and then I went and talked to Nemu `cause she looked so sad the last time I saw her. She gave me some lollies too and I made her laugh when I told her about fighting Piecrust. The Clown Captain was somewhere else, I don't know where. Then I came back here.” Yachiru chattered happily as Zaraki kept walking.

 

“That's nice Yachiru. I haven't fought Madarame yet, we were waiting for you. Have you tried talking to your zanpaku-to, yet?”

 

Yachiru giggled. “I've heard other people talking. They say silly things, Ken-chan. Do you want me to tell you some of the things I heard?”

 

“No,” the response was louder than Zaraki had intended. “No, Madarame has already told me some he heard. Talk about it later, okay?”

 

“Okay, Ken-chan.”

 

During the conversation they had arrived at the training ground and Yachiru jumped off Zaraki's back and stood beside him as he talked to 11th Division.

 

After explaining, very briefly, the other, quieter method of conversing with zanpaku-to's he ordered the Division to form a fighting square and announced that he would be battling Madarame as a demonstration. An awed hush fell over the training ground at the announcement and each member of the Division vied to gain a better position to view the fight.

 

Grinning widely, Zaraki pulled his zanpaku-to out of its sheath. He was looking forward to this fight and hoped that it would last more than a few minutes, so that he could feel the excitement he normally experienced during a good battle. Turning he saw Madarame who was holding his scabbard in one hand and his blade in the other.

 

“I said you could use the other form, if you wanted,” Zaraki commented loudly to his 3rd seat.

 

“Yeah, I know, but I want to start out the same as you. Let me see how far I can get using it like this, and if I last more than five minutes I might change.” Madarame was smiling contentedly as he replied.

 

“Trying to make things more interesting for me; or harder for you? Okay, your choice.” With one quick movement, Zaraki clashed his blade against Madarame's ignoring the scabbard which struck a glancing blow on his shoulder. “You know that won't distract me, don't you? I don't care what you do with the scabbard and don't think switching them will confuse me. I can see the move and I'll respond.”

 

Madarame pulled his lips back from his teeth. “I'm starting slowly.” He moved back slightly and tapped his foot on the ground, observing Zaraki closely.

 

Zaraki stood waiting, trying to anticipate the next move and thinking that Madarame was taking his time. Making up his mind, the 3rd seat rushed to Zaraki's left, probably anticipating that the eye patch might cause that side to be more vulnerable. Almost shaking his head, Zaraki moved just slightly and then moved again as Madarame compensated for the change. Madarame missed.

 

“You should remember that the eye patch doesn't affect my sight,' Zaraki reminded his third seat as he watched him turn.

 

“I hadn't forgotten. I was demonstrating that it's not always clever to anticipate another's weaknesses. You only learn your foes weaknesses as you fight them. Many would attack your left side because of the eye patch.” Madarame did not seem apologetic.

 

“Let's make this more interesting. I'll turn my back and then you attack. It's a good thing to learn, how to defend against rear attacks, and yes, I know you normally don't attack from the rear, because that's what cowards do; but we all encounter cowards at some time.” Zaraki grinned mischievously at the man in front of him.

 

“If you're telling me what to do, how can that be considered a fight? I've got to fight you properly, otherwise I lose the bet.” Madarame looked concerned at the direction the fight was progressing.

 

“Just do this and then we'll fight properly. You started this by attacking my left side to prove a point.” Zaraki turned his back to Madarame and stretched, listening for the tell tale footsteps that would indicate the speed and direction of the attack. He heard the approach and waited, allowing the attacker to draw near and then quickly dodged to the right allowing the blade to just miss the sleeve of his uniform and receiving a rap on the back from the scabbard.

 

There was a small scattering of applause from the watching Shinigami, which quickly ceased as Zaraki shook his head. This was not a performance to gain favour; it was a demonstration of fighting ability and a way for them to learn tactics.

 

“Good try. Now let's fight,” he said, turning to face his opponent once more.

 

Author's Note:

 

I've made a list of outstanding issues yet to be resolved in this story. So far there are 18. All going well I will explain two of them next chapter, I hope, if I don't get enchanted by another possibility.

 

To my reviewers: my thanks for your support and suggestions. It would amuse me greatly if everyone read this, actually reviewed the story. That won't happen, but I can fantasise, can't I?

 

To the people who supplied adages, I can't use them as yet. When I have an opportunity, I will, but the conversations between Zaraki and Atonomatsuri are taking some strange turns.

 

You know how this works by now. Please review.

 

MS