Blue Seed Fan Fiction ❯ Dreamer Awakened ❯ A Trail of Tears ( Chapter 19 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

19: A Trail of Tears









Dreamer Awakened


CHAPTER NINETEEN



"Kusanagi," Momiji murmured, her green eyes, still
full of shadowed dreams, nonetheless reflected her relief at seeing him.
When she had first opened her eyes, and found him staring
down at her, she had thought she had seen a look of dread in Kusanagi's eyes
as he stared down at her. But now she couldn't' be certain since he
immediately shot backwards, a shuttered expression now firmly ensconced on his
face.
After a moment of unbroken silence, Kusanagi turned away from
her, his hands in his pockets, and he prowled over to the window, while Momiji
just watched him. He raised a gloved hand, and absently reached to pull back the
curtains and open the blinds so he could stare out across the front yard, and
allow the late afternoon sunlight to flood the room.
The silence lengthened between them and Momiji blearily sat
up and squinted her tired eyes against the sudden brightness. She felt awkward
and uncomfortable, and very uncertain of his mood. Was Kusanagi still angry with
her? Was that why he was being so quiet? Or was it because he was mourning the
loss of Kaede? As the questions flitted through her head, Kusanagi turned back
in her direction and Momiji tried to find an answer to them in his expression.
But his face was thrown into the shadows, making it almost impossible to tell
what he was thinking.
"I was afraid you weren't coming back," Momiji
mumbled, mostly to herself, as she let her eyes slide over him.
He was still wearing the same shredded, light grey shirt as
he had been at the iwatto, the well-defined contours of his chest visible as it
gaped open. The blue mitamas stood out brightly against the bronze of his skin
and there were dark stains smeared across his chest and his shirt; blood stains
from Kaede's wounds, Momiji thought numbly.
Kusanagi didn't say anything for the longest time, but just
stared at her, his eyes, sweeping critically over the pallor of her face, and
the fatigue etched in every line of her body.
"Of course I came back," he finally replied in a
toneless voice, "It's my responsibility to protect you."
Momiji briefly closed her eyes at his words, feeling the ache
insider her twist even more painfully, and she slowly rose from the sofa to her
feet, keeping her gaze centered on the coffee table, averted away from Kusanagi.
"Responsibility," she muttered bitterly to herself,
"that's all I am, isn't it? Simply an obligation to be fulfilled"
and then louder, "if that's what you came back for, then you shouldn't
have come back at all, Kusanagi," she told him in a hollow voice, her green
eyes finally traveling to meet his, dull and lifeless with dark circles standing
out beneath them. "You're not obligated to look after me anymore,"
Momiji declared and then paused in a moment of dejà vu. It seemed like they had
already had this conversation, and she really didn't want to have it again.
But apparently Kusanagi hadn't paid attention before, so she found herself
repeating, "I'm not a little girl anymore, -I am more than capable of
taking care of myself -"
"Like hell you are!" he suddenly railed, his body
stiffening as the lid went flying off his anger. He stalked closer to her and
pulled his hands from his pockets, balling them into fists to keep from
throttling her. " - Unless you define being shredded into tiny pieces by
some godless creature as taking care of yourself! - If I hadn't gotten to the
iwatto last night when I did, you would have been dead, Momiji! "
The twisting ache inside her heart tightened even more and
Momiji felt something snap at his relentless anger. She began to shake
violently, no longer able to contain all of the helplessness, frustration,
bitterness, and sorrow that she felt. All of her negative emotions flooded past
the barriers she had erected to keep them in check, and she was suddenly unable
to stop them from pouring from her mouth.
"That would have suited me just fine! It probably would
have even been better that way!" Momiji screamed at him, her chest rising
and falling rapidly.
There was a wild look in her green eye. And as she stared up
at Kusanagi, meeting his brooding, silent gaze, a sound somewhere between a sob
and a laugh squeaked out. Momiji put her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle
the hysterical urge to howl insanely, struggling not to give in to the emotions
prodding at her.
Momiji turned away from him then, scared by her own lack of
restraint and knowing that she was close to losing complete control. Fighting to
overcome her conflicting emotions, the rational part of her brain tried to
reassert itself, appalled and horrified at her own words. But it was almost as
if someone else had taken control of her body and was speaking through her and
she didn't know how to stop them.
All she knew for certain was that she didn't want to be
here like this, her heart raw with the pain of knowing that for Kusanagi, she
was only something to be protected, instead of someone to be loved. At that
depressing thought, the urge to laugh died, so Momiji dropped her hand away from
her mouth, and her words began to pour out once more.
"I could have fulfilled my duty as the Kushinada if you
had just let Tamanasu kill me," she informed him in a low tone, her voice
shaking now almost as much as her body. "- At least then I wouldn't have
had to watch - " her voice petered out miserably, squeezed off as another
sob threatened to break free. Momiji swallowed the sound and drew in a gulp of
air, managing to add in a calmer, deader voice, "It's the only thing I
can do, the only way I have to protect -"
She broke off as rough hands seized her and swung her around,
shaking her so hard that she had to clench her teeth together to keep them from
rattling.
"Stop it!" Kusanagi demanded roughly, his face
angry and harsh, "You're nothing but a fool, if you think that you your
death would have been worth the sacrifice!" he hissed at her, enraged that
she would treat her life so cavalierly. "You would throw your life away,
and for what, Momiji?" he demanded, his eyes burning with an intense fury
she had never witnessed in him before. "To protect, Kaede?" he gave
her another shake as he continued to berate her. "Your sacrifice would not
have stopped the inevitable! - she would have died anyway! Or maybe you were
thinking that you could protect the little Aragami Seedling!?" Kusanagi
spat venomously. "He's hardly worth your sacrifice! - You should have let
me kill him while I had the chance, Momiji. If there's no child, then the
Tengugaki cannot fulfill their plans - and now -," Kusanagi finally
released her, shoving her backwards a little as he did, and she stumbled to keep
her balance, watching him with wide eyes as he scowled down at her, "- now
that the TAC know about him, his life will be nothing more than one long science
experiment! He would have been better of dead!"
"You're wrong!" Momiji screeched, "I won't
let that happen!"
"How are you going to stop it?" Kusanagi demanded,
"- when you can't even protect yourself? - You are a little girl
- and a naïve one at that - if you think you can save him from the
government!"
"I can and I will!" Momiji retorted furiously.
"You may not think I'm strong enough to protect him, Kusanagi, but I
promised his mother and Kaede that I would! - I will protect Noa, no matter who
and no matter what!"
Momiji clenched her teeth together. Her body was now shaking
so hard that her knees threatened to give way, but she still managed to direct a
defiant glare at Kusanagi. Inside, she knew her defiance was nothing but a
façade, Kusanagi's words serving only to remind her of her own doubts
regarding her capacity to protect the newborn, but she didn't want him to know
that so she spun on her heel, wanting to flee before he realized just how little
faith she had in her own abilities.
She took a step forward and her toe collided with the tantou
making a soft clinking sound. She automatically reached down and swept it up,
feeling Kusanagi's brooding eyes on her as she did so and her fingers
tightened around the chokin scabbard.
"I may not be Kaede the Kushinada, Kusanagi,"
Momiji told him looking down at the blade in her hand, "but I'm still a
Kushinada; my blood still has the power to protect, and I will use it to protect
those that need me, and those that I care about, whether or not you think I am a
worthy sacrifice!"
"Momiji!" Kusanagi called after her but she ignored
him to run up the stairs, and he made no move to stop her.
Momiji scrambled up the stairs, and tripped into her room,
her face hurting from the effort to keep from crying. She dropped the tantou on
top of her dresser and shakily covered her face with her hands, trying to block
out everything . She was so tired, so emotionally spent that all she wanted to
do was to lay down, go to sleep, and sleep forever.
Momiji dropped her hands away from her face and looked at her
reflection in the mirror, noting how the dark circles under her eyes stood out
against her pale face giving her a haunted look. She looked terrible, she
thought, but she couldn't summon up enough energy to care.
Looking away, she opened her drawer, pulling out the first
nightgown she came to and put it on. Then she turned numbly towards the bed, not
even sparing a second glance for the clothes that lay scattered across the floor
where she had carelessly shed them, when normally she would have made sure she
had put them away.
Slowly she shuffled over to the bed, turning out the lights
as she went and lying down in the dim room, the daylight filtering through her
blinds keeping her from total darkness.
Don't think. Don't feel. She kept telling herself over
and over. Just sleep.
She pushed her thoughts away, willing for sleep to come, but
as she closed her eyes, she couldn't ignore the heavy feeling in her heart and
a single tear squeezed itself out from beneath her eyelids, slowly sliding down
the side of her face. It was soon followed by another and then another.
Don't' think. Don't feel. Just sleep.
Turning onto her side, Momiji curled up into a protective
ball, and her face crumpled. She covered it with her hands as the tears trickled
down her cheeks, and her shoulders began to shake. No more, she silently pleaded
as her brain kept going around and around everything that happened. I just want
to sleep, she silently despaired, but her heart was hurting too much to listen
and she broke into quiet sobs.


Sakura's face twisted into a petulant grimace. How come she
had gotten stuck with returning to the lab with Ms. Matsudaira? Looking out the
window, she rolled her crimson eyes to the heavens and stared resentfully at
them.

Hadn't she been a good girl lately? She silently asked
the gods in a peevish sort of way.
She had even given up her date with…damn! What was his
name? - That blond Adonis - just to do the bidding of the TAC! She hadn't
had to answer her phone, she thought waspishly. She could have just let it ring.
Or better yet, she could have chucked it out the window and said, 'to hell
with them!"
But she hadn't.
She had done her duty.
She had been a very good girl! She assured herself,
her bottom lip angled outward in a petulant pout.
And this was how they repaid her for her services. By making
her play nanny to a squeaky, squirmy, little raisin, Sakura huffed to herself,
scowling down at the infant that was clutched awkwardly against her midriff as
she did her best to feed him the formula that Matsu had handed to her when he
had started to bawl.
Jeez! What she wouldn't give to be with Ryoko and Kunikida
who had both stayed behind at the iwatto, waiting for the arrival of the coroner
to take that girl, Kaede. She would have even been willing to put up with that
redheaded gorilla, Kome, and her geeky husband, Yaegashi, who had gone with
Sugishita.
Kunikida had given them morgue duty. It seemed that Sugishita
knew his way around there well enough to get tissue samples from Tamanasu,
having run the gamut there once already. Kome and Yaegashi would be acting as
his diversion, but Sakura didn't see what Kome had that could be more
diverting than her own charm and beauty.
It just wasn't fair! She fumed, glaring down into the
cat-like eyes of the dark-headed little raisin. Her glare relaxed a little as
she examined him, watching him suck hungrily on the bottle she was feeding him,
his tiny hands with the mitamas buried in the backs curled into miniature
flailing fists.
Now that she thought about it, Sakura admitted, the little
sucker did look a lot like Kusanagi. She wondered if Kusanagi could be the
father and almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of that thought. Kusanagi
might be a plant, but he was as straight as a stick when it came to girls. The
only one he was interested in was Momiji, and knowing little Miss Virgin, Sakura
doubt he had gotten anywhere with her either.
But still, she thought in a considering way, cocking her head
to one side as she stared down at Noa.
An unholy light began to shine in her eyes, and her lips
curled into a feline smile. Whether or not Kusanagi was the father made little
difference. She could still have some fun with the idea, taunting Kusanagi with
it and maybe even managing to get a rise out of Momiji with it as well.
Perhaps it would even give little Miss Oh So Perfect
something to think about. Who knows, it might even spark a few naughty ideas in
that sterile little brain of hers. God knew she needed to loosen up some - and
a good roll in the hay with Kusanagi would probably work out all of those
irritating personality kinks that Sakura hated so much, like that nauseating air
of sweet innocence.
Bleah!!
Just thinking about it made her sick!
Sakura's musings were abruptly interrupted when Noa jerked
his head to the side, the nipple of the bottle sliding from his mouth.
"Hey, what's the matter? A second ago you were
screeching like rubber on spinning wheels and now you act like you don't want
any more? Make up your mind will ya!" she ordered him looking down, and her
eyes widened in horror as he began to spit up some of what she had just fed him.
"Eeyyeew!" she gritted in disgust, holding Noa away
from her body as if he was a sack of rotten potatoes that had just started to
ooze.
"What? What is it?" Matsu swung away from her lab
table and asked in a panicked voice.
Thinking that something was wrong, she bustled over to where
Sakura was sitting by the window, acting as if she was about to drop kick the
newborn across the room. Matsu looked at Noa's face, now going purple as he
prepared to howl his little lungs out. As he started to wail, Sakura immediately
thrust him towards Matsu, a rattled look on her face.
"Here, you take him!" she said, and Matsu's arms
automatically encircled the squalling baby, cuddling him against her lab coat
where she proceeded to alternate between patting him and rubbing him on the
back. "I can't figure out what the pruny little brat wants."
"Don't you know how to burp a baby?" Matsu asked
impatiently, still rubbing Noa on the back even though he had ceased to cry.
"Well, no," Sakura retorted, moving away so that
Matsu couldn't hand the baby back to her. "It's not something that they
teach you as part of your training to become a priestess, and it's not
something that I have a burning desire to learn either. Besides, you seem to be
more the motherly type than me."
Matsu rolled her eyes and stepped up, thrusting the baby back
into Sakura's unwilling arms. "You're here, Sakura," she replied
in a firm, matter-of-fact voice, "you might as well make yourself useful. I
have to finish what I'm doing so that I can tell Momiji it's all right to
take Noa home."
Sakura's mouth compressed into a thin line at the mention
of Momiji's name.
"Why isn't she here now? She should probably be doing
this, since she is the one that's going to be taking him anyway," she
grumbled sourly.
"Because she needs some rest," Matsu shot over her
shoulder as she returned to her lab table. "You forget that Momiji's been
through quite a lot lately."
"I haven't forgotten," Sakura seethed, "No
one will let me forget. - She's not the only one who needs her beauty sleep,
you know. I have quite a delicate constitution myself!"
But Matsu just ignored her, engrossed once more in her work,
and Sakura was left to stare resentfully down at Noa who was once more greedily
sucking on the bottle she popped in his mouth.
"Just you wait, Momiji," she said heatedly,
"after I get through, I'll have you and Kusanagi squirming worse than
this little raisin."


Kusanagi watched Momiji leave the living room and his fury
slowly dissipated as he reflected on her distress in believing that he thought
her unworthy to be the Kushinada. He was the unworthy one, he thought growling
in frustration, not her!
Those had been his exact thoughts all day as he had ridden
around on his bike, the biting wind numbing his body but not his mind, unable to
shake the image of Momiji at the iwatto, standing in front of him, trembling and
pale, staring at him like he was a monster.
It had cut him to his very soul when he had looked up from
the squalling Aragami baby to see that look of fear on her face, and he had left
her there, unable to bear it. If it had been anyone else, he could have shrugged
it off, uncaring of how they thought of him, but not with Momiji.
It mattered very much to him what she thought; too much, and
he had fled, running from that look and trying to get his emotions back under
control. He had ridden and ridden until he was bone weary, and then he had
ridden some more, afraid to come back to Momiji's house, afraid of what her
reaction would be when she saw him again.
Finally, knowing he had no choice but to face her sooner or
later, he had returned.
When he had opened the door and found her sleeping, he took
the opportunity to move towards her, his gaze unguarded and as he let it sweep
over her, going from her chestnut hair to the curve of her cheek and he suddenly
noticed that she had been crying.
A lot.
Concerned, he had leaned down then, brushing away some of her
tears with the back of his fingers, lingering against the softness of her skin
and wondering if losing her sister was the sole cause of them. Slowly he had
removed his hand from her face and thought to stand up, but his eyes had slipped
down to Momiji's slightly parted lips, and, instead, he had felt himself
leaning forward, drawn by the memory of the sweet softness he tasted each time
he had kissed her.
He had stopped just inches above her though, hovering there,
afraid that he might wake her up and afraid, too, of what he would see in her
green eyes if he did. He had been completely caught off guard when her eyes had
slid open of the own will while he was still poised above her. Panicked, he had
shot backwards, but before he had managed to pull himself upright and away from
her, he had seen her eyes light in recognition followed by a flash of something
else.
As he had sought to put some distance between them, he had
been struck by the realization of what that flash was. It wasn't the fear he
had anticipated and had tried to brace himself for, but patent, overwhelming,
relief. He snorted derisively to himself as he remembered it.
How ironic.
While he had been worried about coming back, torturing
himself over the very thought, she had been worried that he wasn't going to
come back.
Kusanagi had been dumbstruck for several moments by that
revelation, but as he had continued to look at her, seeing the dark circles
beneath her eyes and how small and battered she had looked, he had felt his
anger at her foolish actions start to build once more, knowing that he had once
again come close to losing her last night. Knowing that his anger was the last
thing she needed to witness; the fragile look on her face a testimony to that
fact, he had tried to keep it contained. But when she had told him that she
could take care of herself, her words had goaded him into releasing it, and then
she too had exploded, misunderstanding the heart of he had said.
He was sorry that it had happened, but he would take their
exchange of angry words over the look of fear in her eyes any day. Now he just
had to find a way to explain to her what he had meant, even though he'd rather
not. But again he felt he had no choice, knowing that Momiji needed to
understand how important she was, not just as the Kushinada but as the person
she was. Kusanagi grimaced, not wanting to have to wrap his tired brain around
how he was going to manage that without having an aneurysm, so he pushed the
thought aside for now, and turned to trace Momiji's steps up the stairs.
At the top, he paused, looking in the direction of Momiji's
room, and he noticed that her lights were out. She was probably fast asleep, he
thought to himself, remembering how wiped out she had looked, and thinking of
how he longed to crash headlong onto his own mattress, but knowing that he
couldn't until he took a shower. With a heavy sigh he turned, moving towards
the bathroom, but he stiffened and stopped, looking back over his shoulder into
Momiji's room when he thought he heard a noise.
Straining his ears, he listened, but there was nothing.
Shaking his head slightly, he opened the bathroom door and took a step inside,
but turned right back around again, leaning out into the hallway and looking
fixedly towards Momiji's room again. He was sure he had heard something that
time, he told himself, and without hesitating he softly started towards her
room, listening intently as he went. He stopped just outside her room, his ear
cocked towards the doorway, listening to the indistinct sounds of snuffling.
She was crying.
A lot.
And he didn't really know if he wanted to go in. But his
feet didn't give him a choice as they propelled him forward, his body dragging
reluctantly behind. She was huddled into a ball, turned away from the doorway so
she didn't see him standing there, watching her tremble in emotional turmoil.
"Momiji -" he began in a reluctant, quiet voice
and then stopped as Momiji's sobs abruptly broke off into a surprised squeak.
Momiji heard Kusanagi's voice and she tried to stifle her
sobs, hoping that he hadn't heard them and willing him to go away. She held
her breath, her body jumping in silent hiccups as the sobs tried to break free,
and clenched her teeth, praying that he would think she was asleep and turn
around and leave.

Leave! Leave! Leave! she prayed, silently hiccupping and
feeling her face turn red from the lack of oxygen.
"Momiji -" Kusanagi murmured again, his voice just
as soft, but this time, closer.
He wasn't going away, she thought miserably and unable to
hold her breath any longer she released it with a loud whoosh. A long
uncontrollable sob shuddered free as she felt his weight sink onto the side of
the bed next to her and her back went sliding towards him.
"Momiji -" he started again, but she interrupted
him with a litany of apologies.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" she
sobbed, her eyes squeezed shut in pain. "You're right -" hiccup,
"- I'm not a very good Kushinada -" hiccup. "My
sacrifice would have meant nothing -" hiccup, "- it wouldn't
have brought Kaede back -"
"Momiji -" Kusanagi dropped a hand to her
shoulder, wanting to hold her, but knowing that he couldn't as long as he was
still stained with Kaede's blood.
"It's all my fault! -" hiccup, "-
Kaede told me to watch Noa - and I - I was afraid that Tamanasu - I saw
her get hurt, and I thought- I just wanted to help her - and I - oh
god," she sobbed, "I'm responsible for her death!"
"Momiji -" Kusanagi tried to insert once again,
but her voice continued to override his.
"I wanted to help her, so I left Noa unprotected! -"
hiccup, "- and Tamanasu would have gotten him if Kaede hadn't
stopped him - but - but - she was too close to him, and I - oh
god!"
"Momiji -" Kusanagi attempted once more to
interrupt her, his voice a little more insistent as his hand slid from her
shoulder to smooth back the chestnut tendrils clinging to her damp cheeks and
temples.
Momiji sobbed harder, "I'm so sorry! If I had done
what she had asked, she would still be here! -" hiccup. "- I
know how much she meant to you, Kusanagi!" her voice was swinging radically
from low to high pitch as the words squeezed themselves out in between sobs.
"Momiji! -" He raised his voice over hers, but he
still couldn't get a word in edgewise as she continued her torrential
outpouring of emotion.
"I wish that she could be here for you and -" hiccup,
"- Mom and -" hiccup, "-Mr. Kunikida! - oh god!"
she wailed, her small hands fisted, clutching against her chest, "I wish it
had been me instead!
"No. Momiji -" Kusanagi's hand went back down
to her shoulder and he gripped it tightly, refusing to listen to her beat
herself up anymore.
"I saw the way you looked at her at the iwatto. I had
thought that - well, it doesn't matter anymore - but now I know how long
you have wished that she could be here with you! And - I can't bear the
thought of knowing that because of me, you'll never see her again!"
"Stop it, Momiji -" but she wasn't listening to
him.
"I know how much you loved her Kusanagi! - How much you
still love her! "
"No, Momiji, I don't think you do," he said,
finally having had enough.
Abruptly pulling her onto her back, he leaned down, his
elbows resting on either side of her shoulders, and then he softly brushed his
lips over hers, feeling them tremble beneath his touch. She hadn't been
willing to listen to his words, so perhaps she would listen to his body instead.
Momiji's eyes shot open at the unexpected warmth of
contact, and the fresh sob that was rising in her throat sputtered out and died,
a small squeak taking its place. Satisfaction at having been able to dry her
tears coursed through Kusanagi as brought his leather clad hands up to cup her
face, suddenly wanting desperately to touch her, his need stretching beyond the
original intent for kissing her.
With his thumbs, he traced the path of tears, his mouth
tasting the salt of her sorrow as his lips feathered across her cheeks before
once again finding their way back to her mouth to move subtly across the soft
contours of her lips. Kusanagi stifled a groan as his body started to tighten
against his will and he struggled against the desire to deepen the kiss,
determined to keep his touch nothing more than a light caress, wishing only to
comfort her.
Momiji's green eyes remained wide open, staring into
Kusanagi's face, so close to hers. The soft shadows and the fading light
played across the planes of his features making him all the more alluring to
her, and she absently noted that he had his own eyes closed. As he continued to
kiss her, Momiji felt confusion begin to override her sorrow, and she struggled
to understand what was happening.
Why was Kusanagi kissing her, when he was in love with Kaede?
Was he seeking to find some small piece of Kaede within Momiji? Momiji tried
earnestly to string two coherent thoughts together, but as Kusanagi's lips
continued their soft but insistent assault against hers, she found her thoughts
swallowed by the fluttering sensation in her chest and the familiar heat that
began to flow outward from the pit of her stomach.
Feeling her begin to relax, Kusanagi slowly pulled away, but
remained hovering above her, his hands smoothing her hair away from her face as
he stared solemnly down into her storm-tossed green eyes.
"Momiji, what happened at the iwatto with Kaede was not
your fault - No -" Kusanagi put a long finger lightly against Momiji's
lips as she opened them to protest, unwilling to let her interrupt him.
"You were just trying to help her. You would never have left the…baby
-," Kusanagi paused, his voice becoming strained as he spoke the word 'baby',
still having difficulty accepting the Aragami child "- if Kaede hadn't
been in some kind of trouble. I'm sure she would have done the same if it had
been you instead of her. - And even if Tamanasu had been unsuccessful in his
attack against her, you must have seen that her death here was inevitable - No
-" he said again when Momiji reached up and tried to pry his finger loose
so she could speak. "- let me finish Momiji! " he demanded, becoming a
little exasperated, " - Kaede had no intention of remaining here for anyone,
least of all me -"
He broke of once again, this time, because Momiji was
mumbling against his finger, despite his efforts to keep her silent, finding it
impossible not to respond to his words.
"But, I saw the way she looked at you - and the way
you looked…at…her!" Momiji blurted out miserably, still confused.
At Momiji's words, Kusanagi sat back, remembering what
Kaede had said to him at the iwatto.

Sometimes, I wish things had been different, that perhaps you
and I…

But even now, remembering her wistful admission, he shook his
head. She held an affection for him, Kusanagi thought, but she was in love with
Susano oh. And Kusanagi - well, Kaede would always have a special place in his
heart, but he wasn't in love with her, either. Not now, at any rate, and he
began to doubt that he truly ever had been.
It was just as he had told Kaede: she was the reflection of
Kusanagi's future. But Kusanagi couldn't tell Momiji that, he thought in
alarm. At least, not now. Not yet. Jeez, just thinking about it gave him a
creeping, claustrophobic sensation in his chest.
But he had to tell her something.
Looking down at Momiji's anxious expression, he swiveled
around, bringing his legs up onto the bed and leaning back against the
headboard, trying to give himself some time to think of the best way of saying
what he wanted to say, without making himself too uncomfortable. Kusanagi
crossed his arms in front of him, took a deep breath, and then began.
"You need to understand that for the longest time,
Momiji, Kaede was my life," as he softly spoke the words, he could see the
pain, instead of lessening was growing in Momiji's eyes, and he hurried on,
before she started crying again, "she was my family, Momiji. - The only
family I had. It would be strange, don't you think," he asked looking
down at her, "for me to have watched her all of those years and not have
feelings for her?"
He seemed to be waiting for her to respond so Momiji took a
deep breath and murmured numbly "I understand, Kusanagi -"
"No, Momiji, you don't," he replied, running a
hand through his hair in an agitated way, "I can see that you don't.
Kaede is a special girl, and her life was never meant to be shared with me
-"
No, dammit! That's not what he wanted to say, he growled at
himself, feeling idiotic. All he was doing now was reinforcing in Momiji's
mind the attachment that he had to Kaede. He needed to try something else.
Uncrossing his arms, he put his hands on the mattress and scooted down until he
was lying flat on the bed, his head on the pillow next to Momiji's. Then he
rolled over onto his side and propped up on one elbow, so he could look down at
Momiji .
She was busily twisting her fingers around and around in the
sheet pulled up to her breasts, seeming suddenly shy now that he was stretched
out so close to her. Kusanagi silently watched her for a few moments, his eyes
following the nervous movements of her fingers before sliding back to her face
to hold her gaze, letting the heat gather in his eyes, wanting her to see it,
willing her to acknowledge it for what it was: his desire for her and no one
else.
"Momiji," he began softly, almost seductively and
smiled to himself as Momiji bit her lip, proving that she was extremely aware of
him, feeling the desire in him. "In all the time that I protected Kaede, it
was always from afar. I never dared approach her. I never talked to her and I
never touched her."
He lazily reached out and softly stroked Momiji's face with
the back of his hand, slowly tracing the line of her jaw to her chin. His gaze
never left her face, and he saw her eyes widen almost imperceptibly as he
provocatively flipped his hand over and trailed his fingertips from the contours
of her chin, down the smooth column of her neck where he let them come to rest
against the rapidly beating pulse at its base.
"B-but I'm sure that you must have -" Momiji
stammered.
"Wanted to?" Kusanagi supplied smoothly for her,
one eyebrow raised in slight inquiry.
Not ready to answer her question, he moved his hand upward
and away from her neck, grazing the sensitive skin behind her ear with his thumb
as he splayed his fingers through the smooth texture of her hair, rubbing its
silkiness between his fingers. It felt so soft and he knew that if he leaned
forward, he would be able to smell its honeysuckle fragrance.
Careful! Came a warning voice in the back of his head. He was
walking a thin line, and if he weren't cautious, he would step right over and
forget what he was trying to prove. Attempting to clamp down on the fires
beginning to rage in his body, he tried to force himself to remove his fingers
from Momiji's hair, but found he couldn't summon up the willpower to do it.
Instead, he decided to torture himself some more before he tried to answer
Momiji's question.
Still propped on his elbow, Kusanagi leaned into her,
allowing his cheek to almost touch hers and he closed his eyes and breathed in,
almost groaning aloud as her scent filled his nostrils.
Concentrate, he silently ordered himself, and forced his eyes
open.


"Did I want to be with Kaede? To touch her?" he
whispered his breath warm against her ear, "the way that I am touching
you? Is that what you want to know, Momiji?"


Momiji opened her mouth to respond, but no sound came out
when Kusanagi pressed his lips against her ear and started to nibble on it. She
was finding it more and more difficult to breathe, and speech of any kind was
beyond her at the moment. Then he began to slide his lips along her jaw line,
angling his mouth across her cheek to graze against her lips.
This time his eyes were open like hers and Momiji could see
the desire banked within their depths as he opened his mouth across hers and
began to kiss her hungrily, almost desperately. Momiji's breath was coming in
small gasps and she closed her eyes, drowning in the sensations that Kusanagi
was stirring within her, opening her mouth to his onslaught, his tongue slipping
inside her mouth as she did so. A small whimper escaped from Momiji, and
Kusanagi began to gentle the kiss, but taking his time, not wanting to let her
go. Slowly, he finally lifted his lips from hers, but remained as close as he
could to her without touching her.
"Did I want to be Kaede? To touch her?" he repeated
again, ready to answer her question at last, and added, "It would be a lie,
Momiji, if I said that I had never felt that way," he whispered, something
almost like regret sounding in his voice at having to say the words.
Kusanagi's statement struck her hard despite his effort to
be gentle, and Momiji stiffened, feeling the tears start to once again pool in
her eyes. Kusanagi sensed her reaction and he pulled back enough so he could see
the expression on her entire face.
"Kaede was all that I knew, Momiji. And everything about
her fascinated me because I knew of nothing else, because I had no one else. Did
I want to be with her? Yes, I used to think about what my life would be like if
I could reach out and touch her, even talk to her. Do I still feel that way? No.
I don't. Not even remotely."
"But -"
"No 'buts', Momiji," Kusanagi replied softly
but unequivocally. "Even now, when I think about it, I can't believe that
I ever truly felt that way. - Kaede was my family, but I don't love her like
-" Kusanagi abruptly broke off, biting his tongue as he realized what he
had almost blurted out. " -that," he substituted quickly. "I
don't love her like - like a man is supposed to love a woman. Even if she had
remained now or if she had never left, I would never have pursued those feelings
that I had so long ago, Momiji. They mean nothing to me now. She means nothing
to me . I do not love, Kaede!" He stressed each word as he spoke
them, his eyes fierce as he stared down into hers. "Do you understand,
Momiji?"
He kept his fingers cupped around her face while Momiji
stared up at him, the pain in her chest lessening.
"Y-yes, I understand," Momiji murmured and watched
Kusanagi slump in relief.
He leaned forward again and gave her one more, light kiss
before rolling away from her. He was suddenly anxious to get away, knowing that
if he didn't, blood stains or no blood stains, he wouldn't be able to stop
the sexual frenzy he had managed to engender in his body as he had tried to
convince Momiji that he didn't love Kaede.
"Good. I'm glad you finally understand," he
breathed somewhat strained, "now try to get some rest, Momiji," he
ordered and retreated rapidly from her room, heading back towards the bathroom
to turn the cold water on full blast.
Momiji's mouth fell open at his hasty retreat, but she had
no complaints. He wasn't in love with Kaede, she murmured to herself, feeling
relieved as she turned over and tried to close her eyes to go to sleep.
But sleep wouldn't come.
Despite Kusanagi's assurances to the contrary, Momiji still
felt responsible for Kaede's death, and her feelings of guilt mingled with the
heightened awareness of her own body that Kusanagi had stirred within her,
leaving her to toss and turn restlessly, still so tired, but suddenly unable to
rest.
"Kaede," she murmured, "I'm so sorry."
Momiji mentally pictured her sister's dark, blue-black hair
and green eyes and wished that she could see her again, to talk to her, and
then, felt a surge of excitement as a thought occurred to her.
Maybe she could still see her, Momiji reflected.
Perhaps if she went to the iwatto and performed her Ritual of Purification, she
might be able to reach her and talk to her like she had with Susano-oh. It would
be worth a try anyway, she decided, feeling even better than before. She would
go tomorrow and if the TAC had pulled out, she would try it. Feeling satisfied
with her decision, she closed her eyes and heaved a peaceful sigh, a tranquil
expression spreading across her face.
It last for all of two minutes.
Then her brow wrinkled into a frown and she growled in
frustration.
"Well, crap," she huffed and abruptly sat up.
Swinging her feet over the side of the bed, she reached for
her robe, still unable to sleep. The sole reason for her dilemma now was the
memory of Kusanagi's lips moving across hers. She couldn't get it out of her
head and remembering it was only feeding the energy thrumming through her.
Standing at the edge of her bed, she leaned her head back and groaned, still
unable to squelch the memory.
Momiji looked to the window. It was still light out, but just
barely, she observed. Maybe if she put something into her empty stomach, it
would help to settle her down. With that thought in mind, she shoveled her arms
into the sleeves of her robe and then felt around for her slippers. Padding
wearily out of her room, she dragged her body down the stairs and trudged
towards the kitchen.
She automatically turned the light on and then plodded slowly
over to the refrigerator opening it to stare blankly at its contents. She really
was hungry, she thought, but she felt too tired to put any effort into making
anything. With a sigh, she shut the refrigerator and went over to the stove.
Maybe if she made herself some hot sake, it would help her to sleep, she
decided. With a yawn, she pulled out the seldom used bottle of sake she kept for
special occasions and poured some of its contents into the kettle on the stove,
waiting with drooping eyes for it to get hot.