Buffy The Vampire Slayer Fan Fiction ❯ Fear Becomes You ❯ Answers Unwanted ( Chapter 7 )

And, finally, an important chapter.

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Chapter #7: Answers Not Wanted

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Xander decided to skip school the next day. It wasn't like he did anything there anyways, and he just wasn't feeling up to being around people at the moment.

And it turned out to be a pretty good day too, watching TV both with Spike and alone, making a run to the nearest place selling food and buying some junk, wearing his biggest pair of new jeans and original huge t-shirt.

That shirt hadn't been anything special to him before, but it was really starting to grow on him now. It was all nice and billowy; they really needed to have more billowy shirts in this world.

His Slayerette nature and sense of duty eventually dragged him back to the library though; somewhat curious to see if there was anything new out there needing a good butt-kicking. The rest of the Hellmouth couldn't take a break just because he was a girl, after all.

“Xander, you've been spending a lot of time around Spike, right?”

“Um. . . .” having just entered the room, Xander paused on his way toward the table Buffy and Willow had chosen for the day, “Yeah? More than you guys, at least.”

Absentmindedly tapping her pencil against her history book, Buffy bit her lip, a look of serious deliberation on her face. “Has he seemed weird to you?”

“Weird?” Xander asked, “As in weirder than his usual weird?”

She nodded.

Taking a seat across from Buffy at the small table, Xander looked to Willow for a clue as to what this was all about only to find that same curious attention being directed his way.

“Um . . . no?” looking between the two girls somewhat uncertainly, “I mean, hey, don't really know what he was like when he was still part of the fang-gang, besides that whole `You human, I kill,' thing he had going on at least. He hasn't been, like, wigging out on me or anything, though.”

“So he hasn't, like, started apologizing or anything? Maybe been strangely nice for no apparent reason?”

“What?” Xander laughed, “Apologizing? Being nice? Are we even talking about the same person here?”

“No, really,” Buffy insisted, “I'm being serious. Has he done anything that seemed distinctly not-evil lately?”

“I don't know,” he finally said, “Why are you even asking me this?”

Here, Willow leaned forward and said seriously, “Buffy thinks Spike has a soul.”

“A soul?” Xander shot Willow a surprised look clearly asking `really?' before turning to Buffy for confirmation.

“Well why not?” Buffy defended herself, “I mean, he's human, right? He's got to have one.”

“And if he doesn't,” Willow added, “then he's not actually human. He's something else. That could mean something.”

“Have you guys asked Giles?” Xander asked.

Both girls shook their heads.

“There hasn't really been a chance,” Willow explained, “He wasn't here during lunch, and he's been talking on the phone in his office since school ended.”

“Ooooh,” Xander grinned, easily throwing aside the more serious soul-having issues to waggle his eyebrows, “a lady-friend?”

Buffy smiled. “Don't think so, I'm pretty sure I heard the name Robert in there a few times.”

“Either way, Ms Calendar is bound to be heart-broken,” voice filled with a deep sympathy, he turned to Willow, completely serious, “You'll have to break it to her gently, of course.”

“Of course,” Willow said, holding the same serious expression of deep sympathy. Unable to hold it and cracking with a giggle a few seconds later.

Shaking her head at the display, Buffy absently glanced in the direction of Giles' office to find Giles watching them with fond tolerance, casually leaning against his librarian desk. “Oh! Hi, Giles,” smiling, “didn't see you there.”

“So I noticed,” his voice that special brand of British-dry.

Xander grinned, totally unrepentant. Willow, looking slightly guilty, gave him a small, embarrassed, wave. “Hi . . .”

A weathered notebook in hand, he smiled slightly in her direction and approached the table. “So I hear you had a question for me?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said, looking up at him, “We were wondering if there was a way to tell if Spike had a soul or not.”

“Actually, it was more like they were wondering,” Xander said, pointing a finger in the girls' direction, “I really don't care.”

“Well, you should care,” Buffy frowned at him, “This is important.”

“Why?” Xander asked, hoping this wasn't going to turn into yet another Angel and his super special soul discussion.

“Because if Spike has a soul then we can't cure him.”

“But it's okay to cure him without a soul?”

“Of course”

He stared at her for a moment, trying to work that through his mind. “I don't get it.”

“Xander,” Buffy huffed irritably, obviously thinking him being purposely slow, which he kind of was, “if Spike has a soul then that means he's an actual person now. Curing him would be, like, killing him.”

“You know, now that we're on the subject,” Xander started as he sat up straighter, looking to Giles now, “I never really got just why we decided to cure him in the first place. I'm kinda likin' not having bad ass powerful vamps tryin' to kill us all.”

“So we don't cure him?” Willow asked with a small frown, “That seems kinda unfair.”

“Yeah, since we obviously care so much about being fair to vamps.” smiling to lessen the harshness.

“But that's the whole point,” Buffy gestured sharply at him with her pencil, “He's not a vampire now.”

“He's always gonna be a vampire, Buff,” Xander said, “It's really not the body that's important here. I mean, just because I've got the equipment doesn't mean I'm a real girl.”

“But that's different,” Buffy said, “If you'd been vamped instead of just having a gender-change, you'd be a completely different person because you'd lost your soul.”

“I guess,” he allowed, “But that's still no reason to believe that the reverse happens when a vamp is de-vamped. They'd still have a demon's mind. No amount of soul can change that.”

“Angel doesn't—

“Yes, and while all of those are very good points,” Giles said, quickly breaking into the developing argument, “I'm afraid that this discussion will just have to wait. I've. . . .” pause to uncomfortably fiddle with his glasses, “I've found it.”

Reluctantly settling back from their discussion, Xander and Buffy shared a three-way look with Willow, each hoping one of the others would have a clue on what he was talking about.

“Um . . . yay?” Willow cheered.

Giles nodded with a distracted, “Yes,” as he busied himself with the weathered notebook in his hand, quickly flipping through until he found the right page and placing it down for all to see. “Here,” indicating a direct spot at the top of the page.

There on the sheet was a roughly drawn sketch of a stone, Egyptian eye crossed by a single slash clearly drawn on top, scrawled words below reading `The Eye of T'rambilk'. Xander swallowed roughly. He remembered that.

“The person I've been speaking to for the last few hours was a good friend of mine who I had asked to keep an eye out for anything bearing this name,” taking his hand out of the way, “Very luckily, he himself had an acquaintance very interested in the especially obscure who happened to hold a copy of a rare manuscript containing the accounts of a few of the most peculiar mystical experiments. One of which was written by a Dr. Nicholas Russell on the psychological effects of various cursed objects,” getting sidetracked, “Most fascinating stuff really.”

“Yeah, yeah, but what's that all mean?” Buffy asked, “What's it actually do?”

Willow's head tilted in concern. “What do you mean by psychological?”

All of which were very good questions, but nothing that couldn't be answered later, Xander thought, asking the most important question of them all, “So, you know how to cure it?”

“It . . . well . . .” Giles glanced at them, then at the notebook, then grabbed for his glasses and began cleaning, “Well, according to the experiments, it has come to be generally accepted that the curse causes any that look into the Eye to change into the form the individual fears most to be.”

“Fears most to be?” Buffy echoed, turning to give Xander a weird look. “So Xander's biggest fear is girls?”

“What? No!” Xander exclaimed, turning to her in shock, “I love girls. The Xan-man is a definite fan of the boobies.” He thought he'd made that pretty obvious.

Willow giggled, “That sounds so weird coming from you like this.”

“Oh yeah,” Xander leered, waggling his eyebrows, “lesbianism.”

Buffy rolled her eyes.

“Yes, well, that's not quite what I meant,” Giles giving them a look, “The form the person fears most to be is more indicative of a form made up of qualities the individual fears to have.”

And that made absolutely no sense to Xander.

Willow seemed to understand though. “You mean that if a - a millionaire or someone who really likes money looked into the Eye, he would become a really poor person?”

“Not quite,” Giles said, “The Eye of T'rambilk does not seem to have the field of influence or - or power necessary to transform a person from rich to poor immediately. If I understood my friend correctly, the Eye can only affect the - the body of the individual, not the surroundings. Not to mention the fears played upon would never be quite as concrete as physical money,” absently tapping his glasses against his chin as Giles studied his hasty scrawl upon the notebook, “Using that same metaphor, the millionaire would more likely not lose all of his money but lose his ability to make or keep that money, though the way in which that fear would be embodied is different for each individual,” looking back up at his audience, “It seems as though the resultant form isn't a simple constant `if this happens then this is the result.' It's very tied into the personal experiences of the one cursed, building upon an individual's memories and perspective.”

All those words and still not a single clue

Xander looked at Buffy. “Did you understand any of that?” She shook her head, so Xander turned a questioning look at Willow.

“Basically, he means that if Cordelia had looked at this thing, she would've become ugly because she likes popularity so much and is so focused on what people look like.”

Oh.

“Well, maybe not quite as simple as that, but, yes. That is the general idea.”

Buffy nodded her understanding. “Well, nothing like that happened to Xander, and Spike's no uglier than he usually is, so that eye-thing must not be what we're looking for. Spike was probably lying.”

“No, no, I'm afraid he wasn't. He really has no reason to lie about this, especially when he too needs the cure, and the effects, the trigger, Spike's description . . . it all fits,” Giles turning to Buffy, “And, remember, ugliness is not the only possible result. Any number of- of possibilities could occur.”

“And so that's why those demons Spike got it from said it would make Buffy weak?” Willow asked, looking up from her careful study of the notebook, “They were assuming that a Slayer would fear being weak?”

“Correct.” Giles smiled approvingly.

“But . . .” Buffy started, her brow scrunching in thought, “where does the psychological come into that? I mean, a Slayer and weakness? That's pretty direct and physical. Slayer can't fight, Slayer dies, the end.”

“Yes, well,” Giles cleared his throat, put on his glasses, going back to uncomfortable as he got into the bad news, “you - you have to remember that Xander's new form is not random; it was chosen based on very specific fears. In essence, the curse isn't the actual change; it's the effects of that change on the individual. The effects can be physical, I suppose, being used in fights as a way to weaken an opponent as Spike intended, but the fear's of most individuals are - are not usually as . . . as sudden as those of a Slayer. They're simple fears of letting friends down or hurting loved ones, all fears that can take some time to be felt in their entirety. The - the Eye, well, it was a - apparently once used as a . . . as a form of, er, long-term psy - psychological torture, in a sense.”

“Torture?” silent up till then as he took this all in, Xander shoot up in his seat, eyes wide and voice reaching a note that would have normally been impossible. “I don't want to be tortured!”

“Well - well, maybe psychological turmoil would be a more accurate term,” Giles hurried to correct himself.

“But either way it's hurting Xander?” Willow asked, wide eyes flying between Giles and Xander, “How?”

“Yeah,” Buffy demanded, “I want to know that too.”

And the glasses were off again. “Like -like I said, it - it's not the actual form; it's the -the effect of that form. Xander did not become a girl randomly. This form was brought forth by h - his own specific fears. Fears which he will now be forced to face on a constant basis.”

“Constant basis?” Xander repeated faintly, falling back in his seat as split second memories of the last two days played in his mind.

His unnerving sense of dissociation between himself and his reflection, his utter hatred of what he saw there, his hyper-awareness of his own body . . .

All bad things, but were they really something he'd go insane over?

And he'd never exactly feared having a strange girl's body to call his own; the thought had honestly never even crossed his mind. There was of course that small fear of possession brought on by his hyena experience, but what kind of fears did he have that would make him a girl?

Maybe, since he was usually pretty tall, he feared shortness along with possession? Those high shelves were turning out to be killers.

And Spike was human. What kind of weird vampire-fear did that? One of Xander's favorite foods was hamburgers, but he'd never really feared being a cow. Or having the life of a cow. Standing around all day eating grass or sleeping, no school, no parents; that actually sounded like a great life.

“And just how much is this going to hurt him?” Buffy demanded.

“Well, I - I suppose it all depends on the individual really; on how much or how deeply one fears, on how well one copes. In Xander's case . . . well, Xander has already proven to be more than capable of coping and adapting to - to unusual circumstances. Most begin to, ah, deteriorate within the first day, the shock being too much. Er . . .” And Giles, finally able to face him, turned a concerned look his way. “How are you feeling by the way?”

“Well I have to say, I'm not feeling all that tortured.” Xander smiled uneasily, mind still caught up on the question of just what he was supposedly being tortured with.

The loss of his ability to cross his arms over his chest like normal? That could probably get pretty annoying.

Not something he really feared though.

“You sure?” Buffy asked in concern, turning to study him and make sure he wasn't just lying.

He waved their concern off. “Yeah, I'm fine. Dandy even. I don't have much of a mind to deteriorate anyways.”

“Xander,” Willow scolded, “don't say that.”

“Sorry Wills.”

“Yes, well,” Giles said, uncomfortably clearing his throat in face of emotional scenes, “If - if you do begin to feel any ill effects, I would hope you will come tell one of us.”

“Sure,” Xander agreed easily, “But how bad could it actually get? I mean, I'm not gonna be a girl for long, anyways. Your guy knows where to find a cure, doesn't he?”

“Oh, er, yes, the cure, um,” Giles's suddenly became intensely focused on his notebook, grabbing it from where it lay atop Willow's schoolbooks and moving a few steps away from the table, “Right.”

And that so didn't give Xander a good feeling.

Willow's worried look returned tenfold. “There is a cure, isn't there? I mean I know what I read, but there is a cure, right? There has to be.”

Xander looked over at her. “What'd you read?” He'd been so caught up in the picture he hadn't actually bothered to try deciphering the words.

Giles looked over at Xander, then quickly away. “Yes . . . I . . . I'm sure we can find some sort of cure. Somehow.”

There was an uncomfortable pause, strangely filled by the sound of Spike's voice loudly echoing in Xander's head.

PERMANENT

He'd basically signed that idea off as Spike trying to scare him, and it probably was, but now . . .

“What do you mean somehow?” Xander asked, starting to get a little afraid, “That guy's book doesn't say how to cure it?”

“Ah . . .” Giles started and Willow shifted in her seat, looking a little guilty for bringing it up. “I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.”

“But it doesn't say the cure.” Xander narrowed his eyes. “Does it at least say if it can be cured? I mean, just tell me that it can, and everything's good.” No answer, both Giles and Willow actively avoiding his gaze. “Please just tell me it can be cured. Lie if you have to.”

“Oh no, no, it can be cured. Really.” Willow smiled reassuringly, Giles taking the chance to quickly escape into his office, hopefully to grab some important, cure-having, book and not to just run away.

“Are you lying?” Xander asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

“Of course not,” she said and, seeing that she was telling the truth, he let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

Thank god.

Unfortunately, Buffy just had to break into this calm. “Then what's got you and Giles so worried?”

Quickly glancing at Xander then away, the uncomfortable and slightly guilty look on Willow's face did nothing for his nerves.

“Nothing” she very obviously lied.

Seeing this, Xander sighed, deciding to just get everything over with, “Come on Wills. I can take it. What'd the thing say?”

Willow looked hesitant. “You sure?”

“I'm sure. I mean, how bad can it be after learning that I'm being slowly, psychologically tortured?”

“Um . . .” She and Buffy shared a disturbed glance at his joking tone.

“Well okay . . .” clasping her hands atop the school books in front of her and lowering her eyes, she began, “It's nothing big really. Just that nobody really knows the cure because all the other people who've been cursed have never, um, well were never actually cured all the way. Not - not because there isn't a cure,” she hurried to assure him, “since there is one, just because none of them had the - the resources, you know? Books and magic and - and, well, none of them really lived all that long either, or - or you know, they kinda went insane. But you, you have the books and the magic and all that helpful stuff. And you have me and Buffy and Giles, and so you're not gonna be doing any of that going insane or committing suicide. I won't let you,” now narrowing her eyes at him, her face going serious and commanding, “You got that mister?”

No known cure?

Eyes wide, he nodded. “Death and insanity are no-no's. Got it.”

“Yeah . . .” looking somewhat scared for him, Buffy visibly forced herself to shake it off and switch gears. “So . . .” she said after a moment, clumsily trying to change the subject, “How'd you guys do on that pop-quiz in Chem today?”

Distracted, he nodded again. “Seeing as how I wasn't there, I'm gonna have to say I failed miserably.”

No known cure? As in, no known cure at all?

“Oh,” awkward pause, “Right, um,” making one more attempt at turning the topic away from his situation, “Did you guys see that episode of Charmed last night?”

But everything had a cure somewhere, right? That's what Giles said, at least.

Did that mean they'd have to go find or make one themselves?

If they couldn't tell how this thing would react to stuff, that . . . that could take awhile.