Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Card Captor Sakura - Altered World ❯ Kokoro: A Revelation ( Chapter 31 )

Notes: This fanfic is S+S. It will deal with more angst and dark concepts later on, laced with my eccentric humour. CLAMP owns CCS, not me.

And here is one of the pivotal chapters…

Sakura dropped the knitting needles into her lap in frustration. Rika had recommended for her to start simple, and therefore she went for a ribbed sweater. All she had to do was be careful and make sure to flip the thread every four columns to change the knot that would be made in the next movement of her fingers. Unfortunately, to her dismay, she noticed several rows below, she accidentally dropped a few loops of yarn and she had no idea what to do. Hopefully, she could get it to the object of her affections before winter struck.

Sighing to herself, she mentally made a note to find dear skilled Rika later, and hope that she wasn't busy to provide some assistance. The Mistress of the Cards let her gaze flutter downwards and a partially finished letter was written on a pad of stationary.

Dear Kaho-sensei,

Strange events are occurring in Tomoeda again and Clow Cards must be transformed before their use on these strange phenomenons.

The Clow Cards are transforming, their appearance changes but I don't know of any other differences. I'm a bit curious to see what the untransformed Cards will look like afterwards…

It's really strange. Even though Clow Read has passed away, I feel his aura in Tomoeda. I don't really understand what's going on…

I'm really confused, and no matter what I do, I don't think I know more than before. I'm sure that

Sakura brought up her closed hand so a finger brushed her lips in a gesture of contemplation. She finished the unfinished sentence in her mind. That something has awakened…

She was broken from her reverie by the sound of crunching grass. Her gaze travelled quickly from black leather boots to a pleasant face, warm eyes encased in thin frames.

"Eriol-kun."

"May I sit next to you, Sakura-san?" asked Eriol in his always extreme politeness. It was almost strange; Sakura never encountered a nearly as polite boy in her range of her age. Yet it was somehow fitting…

She nodded and she watched Eriol seat himself beside her, his back resting on a tree that stood nearby the one that supported her upper body.

She watched as the Englishman made a gesture towards her unfinished letter. "To think of it, you were writing a letter the first time we had a conversation."

Sakura smiled brightly, accenting her features. "It's to Kaho-sensei. She was a really nice teacher who used to lecture English."

"Is it Nagai-sensei whom teaches English now?"

Sakura nodded briefly and elaborated. "She was on a vacation. I really miss Kaho-sensei though." Sakura brought her stationary pad to her chest. "She's in another country now. She always looked out for me while she was here."

Sakura almost missed Eriol's features darken as she was lost in her wistful words. "What is it, Eriol-kun?"

"It's nothing. I think I would have liked to meet her."

Eriol's face seemed to change so rapidly which left Sakura wondering if he had seemed so despaired a moment before. As if seeking for another topic, Eriol's eyes dropped to the handiwork which lay on Sakura's lap. "What's that?"

Sakura immediately stiffened. She quickly gathered the article into her arms and turned away in attempts to hide it from his vision. Sakura's brain went into overtime as she blabbered, "This is something I just made. That's all."

"From the things you bought at the craft store earlier?"

Sakura slumped dejectedly, arms forgetting to try hiding the embarrassing article. "Y-yeah."

Pleasant as ever, Eriol held a hand towards her. "May I see it?"

Sakura's brain began to scramble for an excuse. "It looks weird, and it-it doesn't seem to feel right. You really don't want to see it!"

Eriol shook his head. "Don't worry. I'm not bad at crafts. I might be able to provide a hand."

Sighing, Sakura handed the object which had been occupying her free-time for the last week or so. "You can laugh if you want… It's supposed to be the beginnings of a sweater…"

Eriol gazed sincerely into her eyes, as his hands reached for the yarn. "I won't laugh, because you made it with all your heart, Sakura-san."

Sakura stared at him, amazed by his kindness. "Thank you." He really is such a nice person…Sakura watched him as he examined her efforts at knitting. The tender faint smile made him welcoming, warm. He really does look like Yukito-san and Dad! Sakura paused in her revelation. Dad and Yukito-san look like each other as well… How strange…

"Sorry Sakura-san, the only way I can fix it is so to take out a few rows for the knots you dropped. I hope you don't mind."

Sakura shook her head. "I'm just grateful you can help me fix it."

Sakura winced slightly, despite Eriol's warning as he slipped the needles off of the yarn. He began to pull the yarn so it unravelled in tiny waves, the yarn no longer straight by the knots, until it was the last of her mistakes were unravelled. He began to carefully thread the needles back into the loops, until all of them had a needle through them.

"Sakura-san, do you want me to show you what to do if you dropped a loop and it unravelled part of the column before you noticed? It only works though if you haven't knitted above it."

Sakura nodded vigorously, eager to learn.

Eriol dropped a loop for her lecture, and pulled at it, so the loop lay several rows before it lay previously, creating holes between horizontally parallel strands of yarn. He took a needle and showed her that she could repair the knot by pushing the strand from the row above through the lost loop, and tightening it with the needle. Sakura gave a try, and was reassured it was relatively easy, though a bit hard to push the thread though. She was a bit clumsy when it came to this type of work, and it was a relief that repairing her mistakes weren't too hard.

Eriol began to advise her on other problems she had with her knitting, like how some parts were too stiff where she pulled to hard and other parts seemed have holes where she didn't pull enough.

"The rows I didn't pull out are okay but try to keep the knots even when you knit the rest. Pull on the yarn with the same strength for each loop. If you're not sure of the person's size you're making this then, make sure the knots a bit looser so it would stretch slightly, but not enough so there are gaps where it stretches."

Sakura listened attentively as Eriol continued his lecture, absentmindedly knitting for her. Eriol paused his quick flickering hands that Sakura tried hard to make sense of. "It's not much, but I helped you make up a few of rows I had to pull out."

Sakura smiled brightly, crawling closer so that her knees almost touched his. "Thank you so much! I might be able to make a decent sweater thanks to you!"

Happily, she rose and lifted the unfinished sweater towards the sun, thoughtfully examining the knots Eriol had made. "Really! I have to repay you! Anything I can do for you!"

Eriol looked at her speculatively, hand rising to his chin. "Anything?"

"Of course!"

The transfer student rose on one knee and pulled Sakura's arm down gently. Sakura merely watched him in confusion, allowing him to do whatever he wished. Taking one hand in his, he gently pressed his warm lips against her hand. Sakura could only stare at him wide eyed in absolute wonder.

Eriol calmly smiled at her flushed face as she burst into a loud "Hoooeeee!"

Releasing her hand, Eriol gave her a charming smile. "I'm envious of whoever is to receive your sweater."

He walked off, calm graceful strides that left Sakura staring at him, her cheeks still warm.

Sakura stared at her hand, contemplating his touch. It was pleasant, mildly so. She really didn't know what it meant, but it was pleasing in a calming way, not like the touches that Yukito-san gave which made her heart pump harder. Nor was it like the sense of security and tingling warmth that Li-kun would give when he pulled her aside or shield her from impending dangers.

Her eyes rose, somehow seeking for another glimpse of the mysterious Hiiragizawa Eriol.

"Chiharu, why did you take up knitting? It is really unlike you. Look you did that all wrong! Let me do this for you. And did you know that people used to cut off their hair instead of using y-"

Syaoran inwardly winced as his friend Yamazaki took another beating from his long term girlfriend. It was one thing to criticize your girlfriend's work which she was doing for you. It was another thing as a compulsive liar to tell another to already his fib tired girlfriend. Combine the two and… it wasn't pretty.

Still, cutting your hair and wearing it was a bit disgusting, Syaoran thought as he seated himself on a bench far away from the distracting bangs and cries of pain. He took a quick glance around suspiciously and quickly pulled out an object.

Syaoran scowled darkly as he examined his knitting. It was absolutely the wrong size again! That guy was slim, but no way would he fit into what he was making. He would have to pull the white yarn again! It happened over and over, the same mistake and yet no matter what he did, he would stupidly make it the same size as before even though it would never fit. He was almost prepared to stab himself with the steel needles, blunt as they were.

"Why does this always happen!" he exclaimed in frustration, as he prepared to pull the needle out and start over.

"What's wrong with it?" a voice suddenly appeared and stopped Syaoran from his actions.

Syaoran started, bringing his head slowly upwards to greet the object of his affections.

The math teacher smiled brightly down on his beet red pupil, an arm hefting a heavy paper grocery bag that was his lunch.

Syaoran jerkily made room on the bench for that guy to be seated.

Yukito sat down, setting his food beside him. "Is that your work?"

If anything, Syaoran radiated more heat from his face as he nodded vigourously.

"It looks good, you must have spent a lot of effort on it. Who do you want to give it to?" asked Yukito cheerfully though he already knew who the person exactly was. He was happy and glad, in the friendly elder brother way, unlike Touya who would probably be spitting fire.

Suddenly the image of warm emerald eyes occupied his mind, accompanied by rose tinged lips curled upwards becoming. Auburn hair fluttered gently, framing Sakura's face.

Syaoran jumped out of his seat when he was broken out of his trance. His hands were pressed to his temples as he shook his reddened face frantically. "Why in the world I would want to give it to her?!"

Before Yukito could say another word, Syaoran sped away, leaving his work behind.

As Syaoran ran, heaving heavily, he tried to make sense of his thoughts.

Why did I see her? My heart becomes warm and pounds when I see that guy. So why I see her? She's not that pretty or anything, and I don't feel that way for her. She's kind of nice but she can be really annoying. Right? Though she is less annoying lately and it's almost pleasant to be around her…

He shook his head furiously.

She stupidly released the cards. She took so long capturing them. She wouldn't have been able to do it without my help.

He began to smirk smugly.

She defeated Yue when I couldn't just because she has the cards. I had to protect her all the time. She talks to me all the time and I don't even know why she wants to. She doesn't try to bother me like the other girls and when she smiles, it makes me feel… No, it's just my blasted hormones telling me to take her. Shit, I didn't want to remember that…

And then he noticed he stumbled into a clearing, the sight of auburn strands dancing in the wind, her skirt fluttering gently around her knees. Sakura turned to him, his eyes drawn to her lips as they parted and mouthed his surname.

"Li-kun."

All of his movement stopped and blood began to pound everywhere. There was a strange but welcomed tightness in his chest, and his mind began to work furiously to imprint the image of her, the sound of his name breathed from her lips into his mind. Part of him wanted to draw closer, the remainder was just pleased to watch her.

The thumping of his heart was incredibly loud he noticed as he ran in confusion again for the second time, ignoring her perplexed calls.

She was just there! And my heart began beating so hard and I could hardly breathe for a moment.

Syaoran stopped in his tracks at a sudden revelation. "Is it the same when I see that guy? Damn it, what the hell is going on!"

A cold, detached voiced answered him. "It's different."

Syaoran's head jerked upwards to see the winged guardian descend from the sky.

"Y-yue..."

Yue began to answer Syaoran's troubles deftly, unsettling in the way he didn't sound concerned. "You inherited some of Clow's blood. The reason you are confusing this with seeing Yukito is due to the magic power of the Moon you sense from him."

"Magic power of the Moon?" Syaoran's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Exactly," Yue confirmed. He continued seeing how the one who carried his former master's blood look at him blankly. "If you calm down and feel your heart, you would be able to tell your true feelings."

"My true feelings... What do you mean by..." Syaoran said softly, puzzled as ever.

"Think about the rest yourself," replied Yue unnervingly as his wings began to wrap around his body.

Syaoran shield his eyes briefly from the wind that gathered until the bright light faded, signalling the end of Yue's transformation. Yukito's eyes opened as he looked at Syaoran in bewilderment. "Oh… hmm wait, why am I here? Wasn't I by the benches?"

Syaoran froze.

Yukito began to ramble on carelessly. "Oh, I was going to give this back to you! You forgot it! You've spent a lot of effort on this, so be sure to give this to the person it's meant for. Right?"

"Oh my, on your hand?" Tomoyo's clear soprano voice questioned.

"Ye-yes," replied Sakura, still not entirely comfortable with the event. "I thought, because he lived in England, so the way they greet people maybe different."

Tomoyo leaned forward after a moment of thought. "But leaving out the fact that he came from overseas, Hiiragizawa is a little different than the others, don't you think?"

Sakura blinked in confusion. "Like how?"

"Like the way he speaks, and not letting others faze him..."

To speak, namely a certain Chinese boy and the rest of the male population of the class who were still annoyed by his charm.

"Maybe he is just more mature, I guess..." Sakura replied hesitantly.

Tomoyo continued in her train of thought. "Speaking of coming from overseas, Li is in the same category too."

"But they are so different, don't you think?" Sakura stopped in thought when she remembered the first transfer student. "Oh, come to think of it, Li was weird today."

Tomoyo's brow arched. Curious, was Li-kun actually trying for Sakura-chan?

"What happened?"

"It was during lunch. He saw my face and then ran somewhere." Sakura's tone was heavy with clearly worry.

Tomoyo frowned. That was wrong. Li-kun should be happy to see Sakura. "I wonder if something happened..."

"I don't know, but his face was red," replied Sakura, ever as naive.

Tomoyo suppressed a chuckle. Sakura-chan. "Now I see. That was because he saw you."

"Why did he have to run away when he saw me?" asked Sakura, even more lost.

Tomoyo wanted to shake her head.

Because you're so dense, poor Li-kun is going to have trouble, that is if he ever figures it out…

Syaoran was idly walking through the halls of Seijou High, though it was a thing that he rarely did. He usually preferred to occupy himself as he was taught when younger. Idleness does not give good results. To achieve, one must put effort, despite the sacrifice. But his mind was winding and spinning in confusion. The conversation he had shared with winged guardian of the Cards was too much, too much for him to comprehend at the moment, and all he could do was try and walk it off.

Syaoran suddenly paused outside the classroom door of his homeform. Voices? His ear strained as he attempted to make out the sounds inside.

"I'm sorry Kinomoto-san, but I'm worried about your math skills, they've been getting increasingly worse," said the distinctive voice of their home form teacher, Tanaka-sensei.

Temptation was too great upon hearing that girl's name and he let ear rest upon the door, no doubt a violation of her privacy. He did not know when his concern for the Mistress of the Cards, his past rival, had always lingered in the recesses of his mind, always, always haunting him.

"I'm very sorry, sir," replied Sakura softly, but his ears were too keen to let her words escape. Syaoran could be compared to a lone wolf, one who strayed far from his pack and like a wolf's, his ears were very sharp. Syaoran could hear the upset and shame in the tone of her voice and it made his expression fall from his usual cold demeanour.

"Kinomoto-san, perhaps you could ask a few friends of yours to help you? Daidouji-san is quite good at her studies. Li-san is also the one of the top math students," suggested the teacher gently, not wanting to upset his pupil further, "Or Hiiragizawa-san. Actually, he is quite patient and would be a good teacher for you."

Syaoran's eyebrows lowered at the mention of the navy haired man, and stopped himself from punching the wall imagining it was his grinning face. He'd do it at home later.

"Tomoyo-chan has to prepare for the fashion show and her concert, and Li-kun seems to always be busy… I wonder if Hiiragizawa-kun would…"

"I'll do it!" barked Syaoran as he burst into the room in a jealous rage. Who would have thought such stoic man would easily lose control over his temper?

"L-Li-kun?" Sakura managed to say with a hand clasped to her heart in shock. The teacher seemed to be just as taken aback as he stared wide-eyed at his only Chinese student.

"I'm sorry for being so impolite but I wish to tutor her," said Syaoran as he bowed apologetically, his keen eyes trained on Sakura for an answer.

"Well, Kinomoto-san, do you wish to take this kind offer?" asked the teacher, as he straightened himself from the Syaoran's timely appearance. He did not worry over Syaoran's eagerness, he was, after all, one of his most well mannered and studious students, ranking one of the top three on last semester's exams. A perfect model student, though strangely single despite the abundance of his admirers. Women always did like the dark, silent, mysterious, brooding type...

"Oh… umm yes! Thank you Li-kun!" said Sakura brightly, giving a smile that made Syaoran's temperature spring several degrees.

Sakura and Syaoran were comfortably seated on the Kinomoto's living room couch. Various textbooks and notebooks lay scattered across the cherry wood coffee table, polished to a shine.

Sakura, herself, was bent over her book, reading a question, over and over; to make some sense of the task it asked her to do. She tapped her mechanical pencil, decorated by some Sanrio character, against the wood of the table repeatedly as she was sorting through the numerous equations swirling in her head.

Syaoran appeared to be engrossed in one of his textbooks but his eyes flickered upwards as he waited patiently for her to ask a question, knowing by her expression she was already lost in the world of mathematics.

Sakura jotted a few lines down in her notebook and pressed a few buttons on her calculator. She hastily flipped to the back of the book and scanned for the answer. With a long defeated sigh, her shoulders slumped.

"What's wrong?" asked Syaoran, dropping his book into his lap, and he leaned forward, so he could look at her calculations.

"I just don't get calculus. How do I find the equations of the tangents to the curve that intersect at a specific point that's not on the curve?" Sakura exclaimed in frustration, as she rubbed her temples.

"Find the equation that represents the slope of the tangent at the point of tangency. Derive the equation of the curve to produce another equation of the slope of the tangents. Equate them together to find the horizontal values of the points. Find the y values by substituting x values into the original equation. Find the slope by substituting x values in the second equation received from by deriving. To get the final equation, it is a variation of the point-slope equation of the line. Subtract the y values from y and subtract the x values from x. The x side is multiplied by the slope that has been calculated. Work it all out and you have the equations," said Syaoran without blinking despite his lengthy lecture.

"Hoe?" said Sakura as her eyes contracted into tiny little dots.

"Here, you have to understand at a certain point on the curve, you can have form two equations in relation to slope," said Syaoran as he turned to the last page of her notebook, and took her pencil. He drew several neat diagrams with concise explanations to each, "Now read it over and see if you understand."

He patiently watched as Sakura skimmed over the several lines, her eyes brightening in understanding.

"Thank you Li-kun! I really think I understand it now!" said Sakura, giving a smile that made his heart do tiny jumps, "I really don't know how I can thank you!"

Syaoran realised his side was pressed up against the girl's when he leaned forward to write his explanation. His face was so close to hers that he could practically see every detail of her face, from her defined cheekbones to the glimmer of her vibrant green eyes.

He quickly shifted to the side and turned his head away. "It's nothing."

"No it isn't, Li-kun is always helping me so much!" she protested firmly, balling her fists.

He took a quick glance at her and turned away again. "If you say so."

With almost a sigh, Sakura turned away from him and then picked up her eraser. She began to diligently remove any trace of her previous answer. Syaoran watched her hair sway back and forth as she moved her arm, and Yue's words came back at him. He mentally shook his head and cursed the moon guardian for making his life more complicated.

"I fell really bad…" Sakura said softly as she read over her question again.

"Why?" he asked partly out of curiosity and partly of concern.

"Because Yukito-san is doing his best to teach me and I'm doing so horrible," answered Sakura sadly, raising her head from the book, to look at Syaoran guiltily.

"No, it isn't your fault. Changing the cards has been tiring for you and it's hard for you to concentrate in class," protested Syaoran. In a softer tone, he said, "That guy doesn't mind because he cares a lot about you. He knows that you are doing your best and he won't expect anymore."

"Li-kun…" said Sakura with her eyes moist, "You truly are kind."

"I'm not really… and why are you crying for?" scolded Syaoran, with a hint of annoyance but in truth was a bit lost why she was crying since it made him very uncomfortable, especially with company of her words.

"It's just that you really like Yukito-san too, and it must have really taken a lot to say those words," answered Sakura as she wiped her eyes. "I'm just happy that you care enough about me to encourage me like that."

Syaoran shifted uncomfortably. "Don't be so stupid."

Sakura shook her head in protest. "But I really appreciate your words…"

"You should continue your math homework, or I'll never get home," evaded Syaoran swiftly but rather unintentionally cold.

"I'm sorry, Li-kun, I know your so busy and…"

Syaoran interrupted, "Now you're going on and on about the same thing. Just get over it."

Syaoran muttered softly to himself, "It's not like if I mind doing this anyway." Geh, what am I thinking?!

"What did you say Li-kun…"

"N-Nothing!" he stuttered uneasily, making an effort to avoid eye contact. Her face contorted in confusion, yet her gaze was almost prying. He wanted to squirm.

Something up there had decidedly chosen to give him some mercy.

The phone rang.

"Excuse me Li-kun," said Sakura as she ran for the phone.

Syaoran raised his book but his eyes were focused on the auburn haired girl as she answered the phone. He couldn't resist staring at the image of the receiver tucked underneath her chin, as she stared at the floor absentmindedly, her attention concentrated on the caller. If he paid attention to himself, he would recognize the irregular thumping of his heart.

"Otou-san! You're not coming home tonight? It's okay, I understand. No, don't worry. I'll be okay. Bye otou-san, and good luck."

Syaoran watched her as she seated herself beside him. "You're going to be alone tonight?"

"It can't be helped. Anyway, it's been like this since onii-chan had to go Tokyo University to study," answered Sakura with a cheerful smile, "But I'm really fine with it now."

"It's not a good thing to lie," Syaoran said softly, he himself knew the true meaning of loneliness. It was those days where you truly understood that you had nothing as nothing could occupy your mind, being surrounded by blank sterile walls. Then other painful revelations would attack your heart, and all you could feel was guilt and shame, or become lost in anger and sadness, but you could never find help when you needed it because you were completely independent in the coldness of your own solitude.

Sakura looked at him surprised and turned her head downwards in shame, "I'm sorry. It's just that I think I should be used to it by now."

"Loneliness isn't something that you can just get used to. Besides bad things can happen when you're alone…"

"Did something happen to you when you lived alone?"

Syaoran shook his head. "Nothing really."

Did he say those words because he was unwilling to bear all pain he experienced or was it that he continued to deny the feeling of uncertainty around him?

"Why did you want the cards, Li-kun?" Sakura asked abruptly.

"Where did that come from?" asked Syaoran, looking at her with confusion.

"When I first met Li-kun, I was alone in the house by myself. It's really strange that we could be sitting together, right now and talking, don't you think? So, could you tell me?"

Syaoran sighed and closed his eyes. "Clow Read predicted of a disaster, the one you defeated, and I wanted to prevent it, not knowing what type of disaster he had in mind."

"There's something else, isn't there? There was no way the disaster could occur unless the book was unsealed and you were looking for it before it was," said Sakura, strangely perceptive.

Syaoran's eyes opened. He turned his head away from her, and spoke, staring off to a distance, "I wanted to do something to prove myself to everyone."

"Everyone?"

"The people who contain the same blood of Clow Read's mother, the Li," replied Syaoran, still unwilling to meet her gaze. Or was he deep in thought?

"Why would you want to prove yourself?" wondered Sakura, confused as to why he would need to prove himself to family. Family were people who cared for you, always looking over your shoulder and giving you support. Such an intelligent and kind person like Li-kun would make any parents proud… but why was there a need?

"I am the direct descendent of Clow Read's uncle, and also the last son. It will be soon my duty to lead the clan as my Mother before me has. I need to prove to them that I am capable of being their leader," Syaoran replied, in a dutiful voice as if it was a mantra that had to be repeated over and over to prevent temptation, temptation to abandon something that was too heavy for one to bear.

Sakura blinked rapidly in puzzlement. "Leader?"

Syaoran almost sighed. "Yes, leader. My family is very traditional and one of its customs is that the eldest son must support the entire family."

"Bu-but, isn't it too much for one person!" protested Sakura, shaking her head vividly.

Suddenly turned his head sharply to stare deeply into her eyes, and said with much bitterness, "Do you think I don't know."

Sakura managed to control her gasp from escaping her lips. From that single moment she saw through his seemingly cold disposition and saw once again the despair and grief reflected in the endless depth of his eyes. She suddenly realised that Li-kun was still so sad, so angry, and so alone. She had been so happy over the summer, finally becoming the Mistress of the Cards that she forgot. She forgot her vow to help her friend that helped her so much in capturing cards, unselfishly at times despite being her rival.

Another thought appeared within her mind. Li-kun had almost returned to Hong Kong, with all his sorrow and rage slowly eating him away, she noted as she felt her heart clench painfully. Then he would continue to live like that for the rest of his life until people realised that something was hurting him badly. For how long? Or would he die like that as no one noticed? Surely enough, if someone saw him in such pain, they would help him, would they? And she promised, she promised his mother to look after him…

Oh god.

Abruptly she realised that there were tears streaming down from her face, from an endless source. His sorrow.

"W-why did you start c-crying all of a sudden?" asked Syaoran, uncomfortable with the certainty that he was the cause of her tears. Then she moved.

Syaoran looked downwards in amazement as she grasped his wrists tightly with her fingers, in an almost desperate movement. Sakura looked pleadingly into his eyes and said, "Because you're always so unhappy, even though you hide it and you never say anything! Why?! Tell me."

Swiftly, his emotionless mask slid over his face. He roughly detached his arms from her grip and turned his back to her. "I don't need your pity."

"It's not that…"

He made a move to rise, and was surprised when Sakura defiantly grabbed his waist, wrapping her arms around him in an iron grip.

Syaoran panicked, as he felt her form crush against his back. Past fears recoiled in his mind. Such intimate contact was painful. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

"I'm not letting you walk off like this," stated Sakura fiercely in determination.

"Let go of me," said Syaoran with a cold edge to his voice.

They both knew that he could easily throw her off him. It was only their friendship that kept him from doing so.

"Please Li-kun…" Sakura forward, letting her head lean on his shoulder. "I'm only doing this because I care about you. Meiling-chan does too. Your mother does-"

"Mother does?" Syaoran laughed bitterly. "Oh really? Do you think a mother would send her thirteen year old son, alone, on such a dangerous task as gathering the Clow Cards? Do you think that a real mother would never give her son any words or displays of affection? Oh, yes she praised me sometimes, but her voice never held any pride. Oh, and she showed at my birthdays but I don't think she would if it wasn't ceremonial. Do you really think my so called Mother gives a damn about me?"

Sakura flinched as he punctuated the profanity aimed at the woman who gave birth to him. "But she does! I'm sure! She told me herself to look after you!" Sakura clasped her mouth after realising she accidentally said unnecessary information, not only that but…

"Oh, she asked that?" Syaoran said monotonously, as if he was mindlessly replying to endless chatter to create an appearance of listening. Sakura strengthened her grip on him as she braced for the oncoming harsh words. "Doesn't it occur to you that she's using you to check up on her little 'tool'? Course she doesn't want her 'tool' to meet a premature end before it can succeed in its task. Or maybe she was afraid her 'tool' would run away and-"

"STOP IT!" sobbed Sakura, letting her tears soak into his school uniform, as she buried her face into his back. "Please stop it Li-kun. This isn't like you. Not you. You aren't like this. No…"

Suddenly the proud Li Syaoran slumped. "I-I…."

"Even before, when you were miserable, you never acted like this except for that time with Kero-chan. Why?" murmured Sakura, her mouth slightly raised from his upper back.

"I don't know," said Syaoran as he vacantly stared at the ceiling of the living room.

His voice so tired. So lonely. Then another revelation struck her. Meiling-chan was gone. He was living alone in the apartment again. She had no doubt that his apartment had returned to its previous systematic, cold environment. She didn't see him in the duration of their summer holidays. He didn't have many friends except Yamazaki-kun but she doubted that they went out on a regular basis. He wasn't the type to call someone on a whim to enjoy life. He must have spent the month in solitude. His loneliness must have festered unbearably but why didn't he go home? The Final Judgement had been passed; he no longer needed to stay in Tomoeda.

Unless he didn't want to go home… His responsibilities that always threatened to swallow him…

He had freedom here.

She released him.

Sakura ordered him grimly. "Turn around and face me Li-kun."

"Why?"

"Please."

He turned slowly, reluctantly. Uncertainty. Fear. Self-contempt. Anger. Hatred. Fear of himself. They all flickered in his eyes as he forced them to meet her determined green.

"I don't know how your life was like. I don't know how your mother treated you. But I really want you to be happy, you see. I'm sure that Meiling-chan wants you to be happy to. And your mother, I don't believe that she doesn't care for you. I think you misunderstand her. So Li-kun, smile for those people who care for you. Please smile for me."

Sakura smiled at him. Her eyes were puffy and red. Her eyes were bloodshot. Tears stained her face unbecomingly. Yet it seemed so strong and bright, despite the fact that she had been sobbing a few minutes ago. Such strength, only found in her, only her. And he finally knew what made her smile so beautiful. There was a physical beauty to it but it was not what made his heart race. It was as if she was insisting to him that there were things in the world to feel joy for. He smiled back at her.

She was right.

And though Li Syaoran didn't know it yet, he fell impossibly deeper in one of his feelings.

Li Syaoran was plummeting into the inescapable depths called love.

Author's notes: Page: sleepdeprived.cjb.net
This is one of the scenes I worked repeatedly on before the previous chapter that took so long to come out. I wanted to ensure its quality because of its importance (though I ran through the beginning, geh tediousness)… I hope I managed to pull through on this one… Lol. Nope, this is not the solution to Syaoran's problem's yet… ^_^
Syaoran is heavily into denial, isn't he? cackles.
Another reason for the delays my writing is my dad. The computer is in the living room and he's home from morning to 3 pm. When he comes home around 11-12 am, he complains and tells me to go to sleep. (And I positively can't stand it when he goes on and on…) That doesn't really give me enough time and my inspiration usually strikes at the odder hours…. (Notice how new chapters usually pop out at night?)
And really, I'm horrible at being productive. I got distracted (again) by Resident Evil fiction after watching the Resident Evil movie. The part at the end really struck me after watching my brother go through Resident Evil II... I must also stay away from Final Fantasy Tactics… I really have bad attention span. And I still need to work on my Gundam Wing ficcy, it's really really not pretty… (the story itself I mean, though it's a bit hard to write, check my ffnet profile out for info. I'm pro-Relena.)
I did knitting when I was a kid. I can tell you I pulled whatever I was making apart more than once… though I never finished anything really.

To my dear dear Readers:
Care, if you are still alive (JK, but I honestly hope you get a chance to read this), a big big hi!
Jade Leung, lol. Thanks for enthusiastic greeting. And don't worry, the fic is still ongoing, I'm just horribly slow.
Pokey, aren't we in the same boat of pre university-college freakiness? Lol. I hope I meet some really nice people. (Computer science isn't exactly a very female filled major, and frankly, I'm not good at communication with the opp sex.)
Shadowed Angel, most people have not been blessed with subbed CCS, so I can understand some antagonism towards Meiling. Frankly I just respected her before writing her, now I find her very dear. It's a wonder how putting yourself into a character's perspective really gets your mind going.
Gemstone, lol! Thanks for the welcome. I'm still in process of achieving what I call being a 'good writer,' so therefore it's pleasing to her your compliments. ^_^ (But of course must keep myself humble so I can work harder.)
Saeira, no offense meant but "Good ficcy, Good ficcy!!" really cracked me up. I'm the type who is easily amused. ^_^
Nisha Athalwolf, Little Blossom, Gwkitty though I can't think of anything to really say, I'm very happy to receive your reviews.
Before I forget again, thanks to all who graced me with their reviews.
And remember email: kinomoto_sakura@rogers.com for getting on the update list.