Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Just a Typical CCS Fic ❯ Chapter 1

Just a Typical CCS Fic

By

CrossoverManiac

 

Card Captor Sakura is owned by CLAMP, which is a shame because I could have used the millions they made off that cash cow.

 

 

 

Once upon a time in an alternative reality where the characters of Cardcaptor Sakura weren't the characters of Cardcaptor Sakura, there lived an acrobatic private investigator/archeologist from the center of the Earth named Sakura who isn't a magical girl with enchanted cards. Sakura was a very beautiful and kind, though sometimes bratty, woman whose over the age of 18 so that I can write lemon scenes with her and Syaoran without being called a lolicon even though the characters are all under the age of 12 during the series, but I digress. She had auburn hair (is auburn an actual color because I could have sworn that was a college football team) and green eyes and a figure of a mature over the age of 18 supermodel. Sakura's day starts off as usual. She comes to the breakfast table to the pancakes her father, Fujitaka, lovely prepared for her. She wonders why she hasn't gotten tired of eating pancakes even though she's been eating them for breakfast everyday for the last 8+ years and why she's still living at home with her father, but she nods her head and goes along with my crappy writing.

 

“Sakura, you are a little monster,” said Touya, the spy/part time male model/archeologist-intern who is also wondering why he's still living at home with his father even though he's shacking up with his gay lover Yuki who eats his weight in food everyday and yet manages to keep his 98-lb physique intact.

 

Sakura stomps Touya on the foot. “I'm not a monster,” yells Sakura.

 

“Now kids,” said Fujitaka, “no more fooling around. You'll be late for school.” Sakura skates out the door in her rollerblades before Fujitaka and Sakura both realizes Sakura is an acrobatic private investigator/archeologist who over the age of 18 and doesn't go to school anymore. She turns around and heads to her private investigator office in Tomeoda, Japan which Sakura can reach via rollerblading even though she lives in the center of the Earth.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------

 

 

Meanwhile

 

Syaoran the atomic-powered ghost from the Hong Kong nebula (not the Chinese boy whose ancestor made enchanted cards) is on an important diplomatic mission because he's the crowned prince of the Hong Kong nebula's royal family. Syaoran's mission is interrupted when Sakura collides into him while both of them are on the sidewalk.

 

“Watch where you are going, stupid!” Syaoran bellowed. “I'm an atomic-powered ghost from the Hong Kong nebula, and I'm a prince there. So you better watch it!” Syaoran pulls out his disrupter and starts shooting at Sakura but is unable to hit her because she's an acrobatic private investigator/archeologist and not a magical girl with enchanted cards. Sakura then took out her Klingon pain stick and brutally beat Syaoran with it.

 

“You atomic-powered ghosts from the Hong Kong nebula are all the same,” Sakura said as gritted her teeth and shook her Klingon pain stick at Syaoran. “My family of private investigators/archeologists from the center of the Earth hates you atomic-powered ghosts from the Hong Kong nebula...for...for...give me a sec...” Sakura paused to think why her family of aerobatic private investigators/archeologists from the center of the Earth hate the royal atomic powered ghost family from the Hong Kong nebula. Unable to think of a reason, Sakura screamed “It's a damn good reason!” and stormed away mad at that atomic-powered ghost jerk from the Hong Kong nebula was being a poo poo head, that and not thinking of why they hate either other. Sakura decides she needs to cool off and goes to the mansion belonging to her rich, lesbian best friend Tomoyo.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------

 

 

Meanwhile...

 

Eriol Hiiragizawa comes home to his evil wife, Kaho. Kaho is eating a newborn infant with her harem of boyfriends whom Kaho cheated on Eriol with.

 

“Hi honey, I'm home,” Eriol says blissfully.

 

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” Kaho growls as she hits Eriol in the head with a baby's skull.

 

“You're an awful wife. You eat babies, cheat on me with a dozen different guys, and throw the skull of the babies you've eaten at my head. You're no longer the woman I know. You use to eat only toddlers and whore yourself out to only five men at once, and throw the toddler's ribs at me. I don't think I can love you anymore.”

 

Enraged by Eriol's rejection, Kaho and her boyfriends beat up Eriol and then went to Eriol's bedroom. Eriol, beaten and bruised, walks away from the only woman he ever loved and wanders around aimlessly until he meets up with his best friend in the entire world.

 

“And so that stupid Sakura dodged my attack and beat me with a Klingon pain stick,” ranted Syaoran. “I will take that b**ch Sakura and I will burn her body to ashes. Then I'll eat the ashes and vomit them up into a bucket of urine and then I'll crap into the urine bucket and eat them so I can vomit Sakura's ashes up again. DIE SAKURA DIE! MAY YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ROT IN HELL!” As Syaoran went on his verbal tirade about all of the not-so-nice things he would do to Sakura, Eriol has an epiphany: Sakura and Syaoran would make the perfect couple.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------

 

 

Meanwhile...

 

“And that nasty atomic-powered ghost shot at me but I dodged his disruptor fire and beat him up with my Klingon pain stick,” Sakura bragged to Tomoyo who took pictures of lesbians having sex, pasted her and Sakura's heads on them with Photoshop, and then hung them up all over the walls and ceilings, but for some unknown reason, Sakura didn't figure out that Tomoyo was a lesbian who was in love with her. “If only I had someone nice like Yukito. I hope he stays single long enough to marry him.” Unfortunately, Sakura was as clueless about Yukito and her brother even though she walks in on them all the time. “I can't wait till I see Syaoran again so I smash his skull in and write my name all over the sidewalk with Syaoran's pea-sized brain. I hate that Syaoran! YOU HEAR ME TOMOYO! I HATE HIM!” As Sakura was saying some very naughty words, Tomoyo has an epiphany: Sakura and Syaoran would make the perfect couple.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

 

 

The next day...

 

Eriol, the guy who isn't the reincarnation of the guy that made enchanted cards, was spying on Sakura hoping to find someway to get her to agree on a date with Syaoran. Sakura and Tomoyo were having a picnic with food they managed to keep hidden from Yukito. The two young ladies spent their time with their friends Naoko whose face was never seen from behind her Monster Demon Devil books, Chiharu and her boyfriend Yamazaki whose head is permanent attacked to Chiharu's armpit for his compulsory lying, and Rika who's pregnant from her teacher Terada for the tenth time and talking about how nice it would be when Terada and Rika renew their wedding vows for the ninth time because Rika is obsessed with weddings. Tomoyo noticed Eriol spying on them in the bushes and sneaked away to talk to him.

 

“Excuse me, aren't you Syaoran's friend?” Tomoyo asked.

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“I was wondering if you could help me with a little side project.” Tomoyo pointed to the acrobatic private eye/archeologist from the center of the earth having a picnic with the sadomasochist, the slasher film fan, and wedding freak. “That girl is my best friend Sakura. I want to hook her up with this man she got into a knockdown, drag out fight with named Syaoran.”

 

“So, that's her. I was looking for her for the same reason.”

 

“Wow! What a coincidence!”

 

“Yeah,” Eriol giggled. “Let's team up and get them together.” The two shook hands and plotted how to pair up the two bitter enemies.

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------

 

 

The next day...

 

Sakura was putting together a bazooka she ordered from terroristsonlinecloseoutstore.com. She planned on hunting down Syaoran and killing him. Sakura stopped in the middle of screwing in a bolt when she realized that Syraoran was an atomic-powered ghost and couldn't be killed since he was probably already dead. Sakura just pushed that thought to the back of her mind and went along with the author's bad writing. The cellphone next to her rang. “Hello, this is Sakura.”

 

“Hi Sakura.”

 

“Tomoyo-chan, what can I do for you?”

 

“I'm eating out at the Really Expensive Fancy Restaurant tonight at 8. Dinner's on me.”

 

“I'm sort of busy tonight.”

 

“But Yukito is going to be there.”

 

“SureI'llcome.I'llseeyoutherebye. Sakura ran out the door leaving a sonic boom in the wake of her 1000 miles per hour sprint to the Really Expensive Restaurant.”

 

 

Meanwhile, at Syaoran's place...

 

Syaoran was packing his tenchcoat full of swords, knives, ninja stars, and lots of painful melee weapons. “I'll cut off Sakura's head, split her skull open, and eat her brains. Then I'll gut her and fill her tummy with candy and use her body for a piñata. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Just then, Syaoran's cellphone rang. “Hello?”

 

“Hiya, this is Eriol.”

 

“Whadda want? I'm busy.”

 

“I was wondering if you wanted to eat at The Really Expensive Fancy Restaurant tonight at 8. Dinner's on me.”

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

“Great.”

 

So, Eriol picked up Syaoran who was dressed in his royal atomic-powered ghost attire which looked exactly like the ceremonial clothes of the Li family that Syaoran would have worn if he was captures enchanted cards made by his ancestor if he had an ancestor had made enchanted cards. Suddenly, Syaoran caught sight of the object of his most venomous hatred.

 

“SAKURA!” Syaoran drew his disruptor.

 

“SYAORAN!” Sakura whipped out her Klingon pain stick.

 

“DIE B**CH” Syaoran screamed as he opened fire on Sakura.

 

“EAT @#$@ B*STARD!” Sakura said as she dodged Syaoran's shots.

 

“DAMN YOU! DAMN ALL YOU ACROBATIC/PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS FROM THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!” Sayoran threw his disruptor at Sakura and drew out a sword that looked like the sword he would have used to battle enchanted magical cards if there were enchanted magical cards in this alternative reality.”

 

Everyone inside of the Really Expensive Fancy Restaurant ran away in terror except for Tomoyo and Eriol who looked at the young couple locked in mortal combat in utter shock.

 

“Tomoyo,” said a bewildered Eriol.

 

“Eriol,” said a bewildered Tomoyo.

 

“This is the most romantic thing I've ever seen in my entire life,” said Eriol.

 

“Me too,” said Tomoyo who took Eriol by the hand.

 

Sakura's fist drove against Syaoran's jaw, dislodged two of his teeth and sending them flying hard enough to embed them into the wall. Syaoran returned the favor by connected his foot to Sakura's face. Sakura's now crooked nose overflowed with blood.

 

As Syaoran and Sakura continued their fight to the death, Eriol and Tomoyo were making out and groping each other in the corner of the dining hall. “Eriol,” said Tomoyo whose blouse was unbuttoned and her bra exposed (but don't worry, they're over 18 so I'm not really a pedophile, no really), “after seeing Sakura and Syaoran express their love by beating the hell out of each other, I realize I'm not a lesbian and that I should be madly in love with you even though you've showed absolutely no interest in me.”

 

“Tomoyo,” Eriol replied, “after finding out Kaho is actually Satan in human form (yes, in this fanfic, Kaho is actually Satan. This'll make sure that Eriol and Tomoyo will hook up for sure), I'm ready to move on to the first girl that puts out.”

 

“Oh Eriol!”

 

“Oh Tomoyo!”

 

Eriol and Tomoyo went back to making out. While Eriol and Tomoyo were about ready to go from third base to a homerun, Sakura and Syaoran both collapsed on the floor. Sakura was missing her left air and was drenched in her own blood. Syaoran wasn't doing well himself. He had a Klingon pain stick driven through his chest.

 

“Syaoran,” Sakura coughed.

 

“Yes, Sakura.”

 

“I think I'm falling in love with you.” Sakura flopped around on the floor making squishy noises in the pool of their blood until her head was lying on Syaoran's shoulder all romantic like, or as romantic as pressing against the Klingon pain stick that was embedded in his chest and causing another gusher of blood to shoot out of Syaoran's chest, and nuzzled against Syaoran's blood-drenched chest.

 

“Sakura,” said Syaoran as he gasped for air, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

 

“Me too,” said Sakura who was loosing consciousness from the blood loss.

 

 

 

 

And they lived happily ever after...until they died from the wounds they inflicted on themselves.

 

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------

 

 

 

This fic is dedicated to all of the generic CCS fics that compose 99.99% of fanfiction.net. Try something new people.