Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Sakura Falls ❯ Jyusan ( Chapter 13 )

Sakura Falls

By: Sorano

Chapter Thirteen

Disclaimer: CCS does not belong to me. It belongs to the wonderful CLAMP.

"For not one flower can be crushed without troubling a star."unknown

How can Mei-ling be dead? Just like that? I mean, she was here one day and dead the next!

"Sakura-chan?" Fujitaka asked with worry. "Are you alright?"

Sakura blew up then. "Of course I'm not alright! One of my closest friends is dead and it's my fault!"

"Sakura-chan, calm down. It's not your fault."

"Yes, it is!" Sakura sobbed, tough act all forgotten.

Fujitak embraced his daughter and she buried her face in his shirt. "Sakura-chan, just because you happened to be there at the same time does not mean it's your fault."

"You don't understand!"

Touya, who was watching silently, shook his head at his father. Words won't comfort her now…

Fujitaka sighed and nodded. Sakura lifted her head up and sniffled. "I've got to talk to Syaoran-kun, 'touchan. He must be really upset."

"Are you sure you should-"

"I've got to go," Sakura got up abruptly and left.

"Poor kaiju…" Touya mumbled. "Poor gaki too…"

* * *

Sakura dug her long forgotten roller blades out of the garage and strapped them to her feet. The familiar pink plastic was great comfort to her, and brought back many childhood memories. Of times when Mei-ling was still around.

The sun was just beginning to set and the air had a cold bite to it. Sakura considered going in for her jacket, but there was a pressing urge to get to her boyfriend quickly. "What have I done?" Sakura muttered the whole way. "How came he ever forgive me for killing his cousin? Ara, I killed…"

"Iie, that's silly. I did not kill Mei-ling. I'm not responsible for Meling in any way whatsoever." Sakura believed that if she repeated this over often enough she might start to believe it. But no matter what, the guilt just wouldn't go away.

She reached Syaoran's apartment and ran up the steps without removing her skates. There was no time for that. She pressed the bell over and over until a somber boy opened the door.

"Come in, Sakura-chan," he whispered. Sakura studied his face closely. He didn't seem angry, that was good. Was he sad? She didn't want him to be sad, but it would be better than the resentment she feared. There was nothing on Syaoran's face. No emotion at all. Of course, he had never been one for showing people how he felt.

A fire burned in the otherwise dark living room. The two sat in silence on the tatami rug, until noticed a small tear seep from her boyfriend's eye and she could no longer resist the urge to throw her arms around him. "Ara, Syaoran-kun! I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry!"

Syaoran stroked her hair. "It's not your fault, how many times do we have to tell you that? Would you feel better if I said it was your fault?" He choked back a sob and said," I'm glad you aren't dead too. I loved Mei-ling, not the way I love you, but I will miss her."

He laid her head against his shoulder and stared thoughtfully at a portrait that hung above the fireplace. "I feel so bad sometimes, like I let her down. That I couldn't be what she wanted. I couldn't give her what she wanted. It hurts to think she might've died without really knowing love."

Sakura knew what he meant. Like Tomoyo. I can't be what Tomoyo wants either.

"I'm sure she felt love, Syaoran-kun. She was surrounded by love and just never realized it."

"She had a boyfriend back home in Hong Kong, but she was never very happy with him. She told me she still loved me. My poor cousin, so desperate for love."

"I'm sure Mei-ling is happy now, wherever she is. We have to believe that." Sakura tried to console her boyfriend. "What disgusts me is that she died such a pointless death. So quick, so unpredictable, so…" Sakura looked for a word, but could find none.

"Stupid?" Syaoran supplied the word bitterly. "I suppose. The stupid ones were the drunk kids who plowed into us. You know, she never wanted to die that way. She said she was a warrior and would die a warrior. My brave, stoic, silly cousin."

Syaoran gazed up at the portrait again. Sakura caught his look, and searched for what had grabbed his attention so intensely. A family portrait. A young Chinese man and woman. Rather stern looking. A little boy with wavy brown hair, soft hazel eyes, and a hard stare. He was so familiar. Four teenage girls, quite pretty and laughing merrily. And a little girl, her hand clasped tightly around the little boy's. Sakura liked how the artist had captured the little girl's desire to hold onto the boy. The girl had long silky black hair and large amber eyes, just like the boy's. Her sweet mouth was twisted in a mischievous grin. They were all adorned in traditional Chinese garments.

"Syaoran-kun, is that…?"

Syaoran nodded wryly. "That was painted when Mei-ling and I were four. I love that portrait and take it with me always. It symbolizes who my family is. Not as the Li clan, but just us. My parent's aren't as stern as they seem in that."

"Why is Mei-ling in the portrait?"

Syaoran laughed harshly. " She is my family, too. She happened to be visiting with us that day. We hadn't planned on the artist showing up. Mei-ling's family had never had a portrait done, and she insisted she been in ours. She had a huge temper tantrum."

Syaoran smiled, remembering the day fondly. "She kept shouting, 'Mei-ling-chan family too!' My parents finally agreed to let her in too, and I'm glad. She makes the picture complete, don't you think so, Sakura-chan?"

Sakura nodded absently, her mind lost in the past. "When's the funeral?"

"There won't be one. Not here at least. The hospital…is sending her body…back to Hong Kong. The Li clan will probably have a service for her there. I doubt it will be very elaborate though, just a little thing."

"Why's that?"

"I think you know why, Sakura-chan. They didn't honour Mei-ling much. Because she didn't have any magic and she wasn't a boy."

"She tried so hard though…"

"Hai, Sakura-chan. She did. Mei-ling was amazing. She had a real future ahead of her."

"Was all her life for nothing then?" Sakura asked, her eyes welling up with tears. S

yaoran grabbed her fiercely. "Never say that, Sakura-chan! Mei-ling had a huge impact on all our lives. Perhaps even her death has a purpose. Maybe it'll save you."

They stayed up late into the night, talking about Mei-ling and the purpose of live. That each life has meaning and we all connect to each other, and we all have such an impact on each other. Neither had thought so deeply before in their lives, but Sakura decided it was nice. Is this what it's like to grow up? Is Mei-ling helping me to grow up?

Sakura had fallen asleep in Syaoran's arms, feeling more safe and content than she had ever felt before. The fire cast a rosy glow over the dark room and a soft rain beat against the windows. Their tears forgotten, they slept. And when they awoke they were both lying naked in Syaoran's bed.

Neither could remember how they got from the couch to the bed, but they both remembered it was wonderful. Sakura felt a pang of regret and sadness knowing this was not her first time. This was supposed to be something special. Syaoran and her had promised each other they would both be the first. That it would be different, wonderful for them. Sakura had wanted sex to have meaning, importance. Love…She felt no love for the other guys she had screwed.

"Am I such a slut?" She asked herself. "So that Syaoran could seem like just another guy?" Oh, it had been fun. Sakura had been filled with love, but it wasn't special. Not like she had expected it to be. She wondered briefly if Syaoran was disappointed.

Syaoran was still in deep slumber and Sakura having no common courtesy, took it into her own hands to wake him up. "Hey, Syaoran-kun!" She yelled in his ear. "Wake up!!!!!!!!!!" Syaoran shoot straight up and looked around frantically. When he realized he was in his own bed, with only his nutty girlfriend beside him he relaxed.

Beside him…His eyes widened and a blush spread over his face. "Sakura-chan?"

"Yep! Ohayo, Syaoran-kun!" She leaned forward and kissed him. "I love you. Aishiteru."

He pushed her away gently and Sakura pouted.

"Eeto, say it!"

Syaoran rolled his eyes. "Aishiteru, Sakura-chan."

Sakura giggled. "Okay! I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I love you more."

"This is sickening."

"Say it!"

"I love you most."

They lay under heavy blankets together, lost in the moment. "Sakura-chan…" Syaoran suddenly whispered. "We could have a portrait too?"

"Hoe?" Sakura's eyes widened at this. "We could get married and have our little children and we can have a portrait and a little cousin can be in it…"

Tears built up in his eyes then and Sakura didn't know if he really meant it. As far off as it was, she hoped it was true. "Syaoran-kun?" She asked gently.

He smiled at her and wiped the tears away. "Aishiteru, Sakura-chan.. I mean it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We can have a life…"

Sakura suddenly felt suffocated. She slipped out of the large bed, white sheets wrapped around her body. She found her clothes in a pile by the bed and quickly slipped them on. Looking out at the rain, she wished she had more than a short summer dress on.

"I better go. Otousan will be worried about me. I'll talk to you later, okay? But I really got to go." Sakura quickly left, knowing it was cruel of her to leave him alone in his grief. But she just couldn't stay. She had to think on her own for a while. Too much was happening to quickly…She quickly pulled on her roller blades and skated away. Lost in thought, she crashed and landed hard on the pavement, for the first time since she was nine years old.

* * *

Sakura arrived home, late because she skinned her knee and it hurt to skate. "Gomen nasai, Otousan," she apologized to her father, who wasn't really angry.

"I know Li-san needed you, Sakura-chan," Fujitaka smiled. "But all you did was talk, right?"

Sakura was quick to reassure him that nothing happened. After all I've done, he still has such trust in me!Touya, on the other hand, was a lot more skeptical. "Did you have fun?" Was the first thing he asked her. She glared at him. "How can you say that? Someone dies and it's supposed to be fun?" Touya rolled his at her and joined her at the table for some Oreo cookies. "Come on, imouto-chan. You spend the night at your boyfriend's house and come home looking a little ruffled. You were supposedly "comforting him." "I can't believe you!" "Don't lie to me, kaijuu!" Sakura glared into her glass of chocolate milk. "It's not really any of your business." "Ah-ha! So it did happen!" Touya turned serious as he tried to think of a way to breach this matter to his sister. "Um…kaijuu...did you use, um…protection?" "Hoe?" Sakura paused in mid cookie dunk. "Hai, condoms." Touya didn't know why he was having such a hard time talking to her about this. He was older than her, maybe it was because she was a girl. "Shit!" Touya eyebrows went up. "I know what you've been up to, Sakura-chan. Has anything occurred to you yet?" Sakura shrugged helplessly. "I didn't think." "You didn't think!?" "I'm okay,oniichan! I'm safe." "So you've been sleepin' around and you didn't even…slut," he whispered. Sakura turned white. "What did you call me!?" "A slut. That's what you are, Sakura. You're my kid sister and I love you, but you are sure screwed up." Touya downed his glass of milk and left. Sakura sat there alone, contemplating what her older brother had said. How could I have been so stupid!? She was suddenly very afraid. Feeling dirty, she went upstairs to take a shower. * * * Fujitaja offered to let Sakura take a few days off school, to collect herself, but Sakura felt she just couldn't stay home. She had to get back to a place that was normal. Somewhere she could forget everything. And the trip is in two days! Sakura was excited, she couldn't sleep. Miyuko and her gang were like always. They saw that Sakura was depressed and confused and offered her presents of consolation. During their spare that afternoon, Miyuko showed Sakura some heroin. "You'll love this," she promised. "This stuff is the best!" Sakura remembered Syaoran, and his opinion on drugs. Could she give it all up for him? She saw the needle and grimaced. "Hey, don't worry," a blond girl reassured Sakura. "It barely hurts and the high is instant." "Shouldn't we do this somewhere else?" Sakura looked nervously around the parking a lot. "I don't want to get suspended with the trip so soon." "Hey, don't worry about it. Everything's great." "I don't know how to inject the needle," Sakura admitted as she watched the others shoot. "Hey, it's okay," Sakia said. "I'll do it for you. It's really simple." As she showed Sakura the proper vein to use and how much to use, etc, Sakura felt a strange bond with these girls. They weren't junkies. They were just a bunch of lost children trying to find their way. And when they were high, they were above everyone else. They knew all, saw all. And they couldn't understand what evil the squares saw. Heroin was the best thing Sakura ever had. It was like…freedom. Was that even the right word? Is there a word to describe it? It was even better than her first high, so long ago. Heroin took away everything. Took away Mei-ling's death, the sex, the pain and loneliness. When they came back down, Miyuko told Sakura of a new dealer, where she could get anything she wanted for fairly cheap prices. Happier than she'd been in a long time, Sakura returned to classes and later returned home. That night at dinner, Touya announced him and Yukito would have to return to the university the next day. Sakura was horrified at this. She hadn't got to spend any time with Yukito since that day she was hungover after her first party. "Oh, my god!" Yukito was going to leave and it might be years before she saw him again! "What is it, kaiju?" Touya stared at her suspiciously. "Don't tell me you want me to stay? I have to go see Yukito-san!" With that, Sakura jumped up from her place and ran over to Yukito's house. "That was rude," Touya muttered. Fujitaka smiled and said, "She has to go." * * * Sakura had a lovely time with her childhood crush. They had tea and cookies and sat and talked for hours. It was nice to have such light talk after her conversation with Syaoran the night before. It was late when Sakura left, filled with joy. On her way home, she passed an old building where some kids were hanging around. Sakura would've walked right by, except a girl's voice called out. "Sakura-chan?" It was Admie, Miyuko, and some other kids from school. Sakura couldn't help but think they were showing up everywhere and replacing her old friends. "Hi!" Sakura called warily. "What's up?" She jogged over to them. The kids held up a bunch of aerosol cans. "We're making pretty pictures. Do you want to help?" Sakura would've declined, gone home, like she should've done. But then Miyuko spoke. "You've been hurt, haven't you, Sakura? You feel the rage?" That was true. Sakura felt a lot of rage. "Don't you want to express yourself? Tell everyone?" Sakura grabbed a pink can from Miyuko and marched up to the wall. Everyone grinned and sprayed away. It wasn't until the morning that Sakura could truly admire their artwork. Smiling at them from the large brick building was a beautiful Chinese girl. And next to the other kid's peace signs she had wrote 'RIP Mei-ling-chan.'