Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Shotgun Wedding...Touya style! ❯ Shotgun wedding-touya style! ( Chapter 1 )

This was written late at night when I should have been doing homework, but I actually drank too much coffee (whoa, big surprise there…) and started typing nonsense on the computer. The next morning, I looked at all the jibberish on the page and said, "Hey, I can use this!" *wince* and now you know how I get my…ahem…inspiration…pretty sad isn't it? Well, I get it like this and talking with Beer-butt…(Yebisu Beer) doesn't help much, but…anyway! That is a whole other story…one you don't want to hear about, trust me.

Warnings: bawdy humor, character bashing (ALL of them) massive OOCness, shotguns, drunkenness, insanity, and a lot of fun! Enjoy!

Thanks to Youjibaracuda and Koyuki Aode for helping me beta this and make some grammar/spelling changes as well as helping me fix some sentences that just did not make sense! And I still maintain that Li Syaoran's eyes can be amber if he wants them to be! : P

Shotgun Wedding…Touya Style!

"Lightning!" Syaoran commanded and obediently, the air rumbled threateningly and a lance of pure energy streaked downwards…and missed its target completely. "Oh my God!"

"SAKURA!!" Tomoyo screamed and dropped her camera, racing towards her friend, "Syaoran, you idiot! This is target practice, not kill-Sakura-day!! Do you see now? This is why we always have you practicing before you go out and capture a card! You always miss!!"

"I do not!" Syaoran defended crossly as he knelt by Sakura's still form. He gazed worriedly at her as a charred smell wafted up from her blackened clothing and he grimaced. "She's not going to be happy, is she?"

"Oh man, kid, you are screwed…she's gonna be pissed at you…" Kero chimed in, crossing his arms and grinning smugly. "She's gonna take one look at you and…er…isn't she supposed to be waking up now?"

"Sakura? Sakura, get up!" Tomoyo shook her best friend's shoulders, then leaned down feel desperately for a pulse. "She's not breathing! Syaoran, you'll have to give her mouth-to-mouth…what…are…you…waiting for??"

"What? No!" Syaoran leaped up and backed away, hands held in front of him in a warding gesture. "I'm not that unprincipled to kiss an unconscious girl! That's…that's…well, that's kinda kinky, but…no! What am I thinking!" He gulped and turned to run out of the park but Kero warded him off, biting his finger with sharp teeth that were not supposed to exist in such a furry stuffed animal.

"Oh no, Shouran…" He mumbled, voice muffled against the skin at Syaoran's hand. "Yoush gotch urself nto thish …oof…hey, that hurt!…why you little…*chomp* …you waksh Shakura up!"

"Get off me!" Syaoran demanded, twisting the lion's tail. "Do you know how unsanitary that is??"

A tick was starting to develop in Tomoyo's forehead as she glared with narrowed cat-like eyes at the errant boy, slowly rising to her feet. "Let me get this straight, Li Syaoran…you slammed a lightning bolt on top of Sakura's head and now you take no responsibility? Have you no morals??"

"Uh…" Sakura moaned, putting a hand to her forehead and twitching from shock response. "That hurt…I don't think I can move…" The three combatants didn't notice as Tomoyo and Kero squared off against Syaoran menacingly. Ignoring her friends as they contemplated killing Syaoran, Sakura sniffed the air around her delicately then wrinkled her nose in disgust. "What's burning? Oh wait, that would be me…"

"I can't believe you, Syaoran! You'd actually leave her to die!"

"Actually, I'd leave her to get the phone to call the ambulance." Syaoran replied, amber eyes darting around in panic as he tried to find some way of escaping from the Dreadful Duo. "I should have brought my cards today…why didn't I bring my cards today??"

Tomoyo closed her eyes and put a hand to her forehead, an evil grin playing around her lips. "An unwilling boyfriend who fries his girlfriend into char won't lift a finger to save her life…I should have expected this from a man…that's it! Kero, jump him!" Kero wasted no time latching onto Syaoran's forefinger again, sharp needle-like teeth breaking into skin as Tomoyo grabbed Syaoran by the hair and tugged...hard.

"Ew…I'm gonna get blood all over my fur!" Kero muttered, "What I do for love…"

Tomoyo kicked Syaoran's stomach causing him to double over in pain. "Stop struggling! Resistance is futile! (Compliments of those cyborg freaks from Star Trek: The Borg ) Blood? Never mind that now Kero! This is for Sakura! Remember the time she bought those cookies for you at school? She saved the whole bag for you!" Actually, the fact that she had saved the "whole bag" was because she had had a stomach ache that day, but to Kero, whose next meal was his first and foremost concern, that was a moot point.

Tears misted the little lion's eyes and he sniffed once, "And they were chocolate chip too, my favorite…That's it, Syaoran, you're going down!"

Sakura was finally aware that something was wrong when Syaoran was tackled to the grassy undergrowth with Tomoyo dragging him towards her like a sacrificial beast. There was a gleam of insanity that played like cerulean fire in normally placid eyes and Sakura gulped nervously, remembering the last time Tomoyo had been this upset; it had been at her second grade sleepover.

"La la la la la…oh, good morning Sakura!" Tomoyo smiled cheerfully as she came down for breakfast and reached for the cereal. "This is so great isn't it? I got a lot of good pictures of you sleeping with my Polaroid. They were great! Do you know you snored?"

"Mmmph." Sakura swallowed a mouthful of Chex before answering in annoyance, "Tomoyo! I told you I didn't want my picture taken! I threw them all away."

Tomoyo stiffened, her whole body going rigid as molten lava began to shoot daggers at Sakura. Carefully, she put down her spoon and rose her impressive height of three foot one( remember, they're in second grade ), radiating extreme fury. "You WHAT??" *Lightning, thunder, fireblasts and whatnot*

"Eeeeepppppppp! I'm sorry!!"

Sakura winced slightly at the memory. That had been a momentous day when she had learned a very important rule: no one touches Tomoyo's camera but Tomoyo. "I'm fine," She said hastily, trying to get to her feet, but then, pain washed over her in a wave, and she moaned, and abruptly lay back down, closing her aching eyes. "You know what, never mind…I'll stay here…world…turning…dizzy…" Too busy with their combat over love or death, her friends still didn't notice.

Kero grunted as he shoved Syaoran's head downwards, looking harassed and rumpled. "I hope you're appreciating this, Sakura!"

"She is!" Tomoyo struggled to bring Syaoran, who was trying to flee, closer, and pushed him down to his knees "Now…All together now. One…two…three!" Together, Tomoyo and Kero rammed Syaoran's head down, just as Sakura got enough courage to peek open her eyelashes, dreading what she would find. Her fear was well founded.

"What the-"

"Hmmmph!" Suddenly, Sakura felt her lips being smashed as Syaoran's face was shoved into hers. Her world spun in a daze (or an even more of a daze, as the case may be) and when he finally lifted his head, she could only stare up at him, stunned.

"Whoa…"

"Sakura, are you…okay?" Tomoyo asked uncertainly, but before Sakura could muster the energy to utilize her voice box, a familiar voice cut sharply into the silence of the clearing.

"Hey Sakura! Dad wants you home…for…oh my God." Touya's eyes crossed as he reeled backwards, almost knocking the wind out of Yuki, who had come to stand by his side. "Oh my GOD! Can't you get a room??"

"It's not what you think!" Syaoran yelled frantically, but Sakura was of another mind completely.

She smiled dazedly up at the sky and murmured quietly to herself, "Like hell it isn't…" Then she realized that this was her brother that was staring at them in mute horror and snapped completely out of her reverie. "No, wait! It's not what you think!" She turned appealingly towards her best friend for help as Kero fell to the ground, imitating a stuffed toy, as he was supposed to do every time unwanted company showed up, but Tomoyo was already scrambling frantically for her camera.

"I have got to get this on tape…"

"Tomoyo!" Sakura and Syaoran, who was still hunched over Sakura, yelled in unison, "Tell him!"

"Huh? Tell him what?" Tomoyo asked blankly, then understood. She looked torn between her friendship and getting a great camera shot for her collection, and sighed audibly, bringing up her camera. "All right…I'm sorry Sakura, but your family deserves to know!"

"What??" Syaoran and Sakura glanced frantically at each other before lunging at Tomoyo, arms outstretched. Unfortunately, Sakura was still half-dead from the shock of Syaoran's thunderbolt and Syaoran tripped over Sakura's feet, so they both landed sprawled over the delicate shoots of grass in various states of consciousness.

Tomoyo dodged their efforts nimbly, flicking on the switch to her camera before she said, "I don't like betraying friendship…but Touya, it's exactly what you think it is!"

"What??"

"I knew it!" Touya yelled, then broke into sobs, "Oh my God…I didn't need to see that…I really…he…"

Yuki smiled consolingly, patting Touya's drooping back, before waving cheerfully at the two shocked unfairly branded 'lovers'. "I'll take Touya home, you have to get back by eleven o' clock, okay?"

"Uh…" Sakura nodded uncertainly as Yuki walked her blubbering brother towards the car. Then the fair-skinned man paused and pushed up his glasses a little, turning to look back at them.

"And Sakura?" Yuki smiled gently before adding, " Touya's right, you really should get a room for this kind of thing."

In the grass, Kero trembled, paws stuffed in his mouth to keep the betraying laughter from getting out. Oh man, oh man, oh man…You're in trouble this time, Sakura!

***

"I can't believe you, Tomoyo! How could you?" Sakura took off her shoes as she, a still-stunned Syaoran, and Tomoyo mimicked her actions, kicking the shoes to the corner of the shoe cabinet. "I never would have done that to you!"

"But it was a great shot!" Tomoyo looked piteously at her friend with azure eyes, camcorder clutched protectively to her bosom. Tears wavered in the corner of her eyes and she sniffled slightly, "I would have never been able to get another shot like that again! You should have seen the shock on your faces-"

"I don't want to know," Sakura muttered, then the sudden chi-chink of the safety of a gun being released caused all three of them to stiffen and turn slowly to glance cautiously at the shotgun wielding maniac and his cohort.

"Oh dear." Yuki smiled apologetically and shrugged his shoulders, "I…uh…suggested some sake to get him calmed down…and I'm afraid…." He held up the large twenty-three ounce bottle and shook it slightly to prove its emptiness. "I think he drank too much."

"Oh no…" Sakura whimpered, and studied her brother's determined, flushed face with trepidation. "Oh, no, he's not…"

"Drunk? (hic)" Touya supplied. He tossed his dark brown hair back from his face and grinned confidently with the air of a drunk who is just drunk enough to think he isn't drunk. He stumbled forward in staggered steps and smiled toothily as he said innocently, "How many timesh have I told you Shakura? (hic) I don't get drunk!"

"Uh…o-kay, Touya." Sakura said cautiously, not believing a word of it. Then she turned to Yuki, a panicked expression on her face. "Where did Touya get that gun?"

Yuki winced, "Ebay."

Sakura's mouth dropped, "He's not supposed to go on the Internet without supervision anymore! Especially since the last time when he bought that huge plastic elephant…life size!" She groaned, torment filling her eyes as she felt a migraine threatened her already frayed sanity. Trying to retain a semblance of calm, she took a deep breath and asked, "Uh…okay…Yuki, where's dad?"

Yuki held up the yellow post-it in his other hand and his eyes flashed sympathetically as he said, "Sorry Sakura, he went out tonight…"

Oh no…Sakura began shoving her friends out the door as she backed up quickly, "Syaoran, Tomoyo, I think you'd better go-"

"Nunununununo." Touya halted their progress with an upheld hand, "You sheee….Li Shyoran hash (hic) shullied yer honor (hic)…sho…" Sakura closed her eyes, Syaoran cringed, and Tomoyo pulled out another tape. "…we're haffing a wedding!" There was complete silence as Sakura and Syaoran stared in mute horror at Touya. Then…

"Nnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" Sakura screamed and Syaoran's voice joined hers in a lower counterpoint as Sakura whirled around to glare at Tomoyo. "This is all your fault!"

Tomoyo on the other hand, had other things to worry about as she burst into tears. "I missed it! I missed it! Oh my God, it was priceless, and I missed it!"

***

Reverend Smith was a busy man. Since he was a busy man, he was also a tired man. He was a tired man that loved and cherished his seven hours of sleep a day, so when he woke up at one o' clock in the morning to the raucous pounding and muffled profanity outside the church gates, he was not feeling very reverend-like. In fact, if anyone asked him about this strange day where he was forced out of bed in the middle of the night, he would have hastened to reassure him, "The devil made me do it…but I've paid penitence, praise the Lord."

Shoving open the heavy oak door, he snapped, "What do you want, you little…" He caught himself and ground his teeth in frustration, "…blessed Children of our Great Father? At this hour in the morning?"

Syaoran was cursing his head off. Sakura was yelling at Touya. Touya was behaving as if this was nothing out of the ordinary (except that he was drunk and toting a shotgun). And Tomoyo was catching everything on tape. The only one that was not preoccupied was Yuki, so Yuki smiled and said softly, "We're here for a wedding."

"Like hell!" Syaoran yelled, "Just because my aim stinks, you're doing this to me?? Isn't this under the category of cruel and unusual punishment??" He struggled against the bonds of rope that held him, amber eyes glaring with snapping mutiny at everyone around him as he spat the gag out of his mouth. "I refuse to marry under duress! I'm too young for this! I have my whole life ahead of me! Cards to capture! Places to go! Women to meet!" The last was said in a despairing wail that was abruptly muffled as Touya jammed the gag back into Syaoran's mouth.

Sakura ignored her "fiancé" as she shook her brother's arm violently. Tears, anger, and annoyance were evident on her face as she begged, "You aren't going to do this to me are you, 'niichan? You wouldn't do this to your little imouto…saddle her forever to a guy like Li Syaoran! Please?" Then, her voice became more demanding as she said, "Who do you think you are, you pain? You can't dictate my life! Dad's gonna kill you for this! No, wait, I'm gonna kill you for this!"

Touya merely grinned cheerfully, patting his shotgun fondly before saying, "But I gotta (hic) gun."

"That's not fair!" Sakura yelled and kicked her brother in the shins. She folded her arms, watching him yelp in pain and glowered darkly at him. "You are such an ass! You suck Touya!"

The good and holy Reverend had enough and raised his voice to bellow, "ENOUGH! Sirs and madams, do you know what time it is? One o' clock…a.m. Therefore, I must ask you to leave and come back tomorrow… er…later today, preferably in the afternoon when-"

"No! (hic)" Touya glared evilly at the Reverend, levering his shotgun up a few inches. He wobbled unsteadily, but managed to stand up semi-straight, and in a slurred voice, commanded, "We needsh a wedding tonigsh…NOW." He gesticulated wildly at a bound and gagged Li Syaoran before continuing, "He shtarted making out wish (hic) my little shishter in da park and now, he'sh gonna do the right shing by her (hic) and you're gonna help me, capish? (hic)"

Reverend Smith paused, sweat gleaming slightly on his forehead as he contemplated the tall, mouse-brown haired man before him who was being attacked by a slight girl that reeked slightly of singed clothing and skin and hastily came to the conclusion that if he did as this man asked, then not only would he escape alive, but he'd also be able to go back to his abruptly vacated bed. "Well, since you put it that way…come in, but be quick about it!"

"NO!" Sakura yelled stubbornly, but her vote was overridden by the mad jostling as Touya shoved her in against her will. "Touya, you'll regret this when you're sober, you idiotic moron!"

"I'm notsh drunk! (hic)" H countered, shoving a lock of hair out of his face. He smiled with inebriated pleasantness and nodded for the Reverend to begin as he tucked his weapon under his arm and dragged Sakura to the altar with one hand while the other propelled Syaoran forward.

"Dearly…" Reverend Smith glanced at the assortment of drunkards, rebellious adolescents, and a girl that had a bright future as a member of the paparazzi and decided it would be wiser to skip the "beloved" part, "Ahem… we are gathered here today to witness-"

"Shkip that part." Touya advised, looking slightly worse for wear as he fought to stay awake, "Jusht get down to da (hic) bashics."

"Fine by me." the good Reverend muttered, "I can get back to my sleep sooner."

Sakura turned from attempting to murder her brother and sharply, "What kind of priest are you??"

"A tired one," was the annoyed retort, "Let's kindly see to this so I that I may seek the comforts of a warm bed and leave your fate in God's hand, where it belongs. Not in mine." He cleared his throat, hand running down the well-worn pages of the Bible before continuing, "Do you…uh…you…take this-"

"No!" Sakura yelled and suddenly broke in a run for the door. It didn't work. Within minutes, she was back in her place at the altar, Touya's fingers wedged painfully in her short hair as if he was holding a dog leash and she yelped, giving him a fulminating glare. "I hate you," She said shortly, eyes flashing like dangerous emeralds.

"She doesn't really mean it," supplied Touya.

"Like hell I don't," Sakura snapped back and turned to Syaoran, demanding, "Why aren't you doing anything about this?? You're the other party to this whole mess! Do you realize that if you don't do something right now, we are both gonna be miserable for the rest of our lives?! And yours is going to be very short, I promise!"

"Mmmph…Hnmph." Syaoran shot back, his voice muffled and incomprehensible beneath his gag, "Mmthmph nhm mnthn!"

"How can I perform this marriage if these two won't say 'I do'?!" interrupted the harassed Reverend stridently, "I need a mutual consensus before anything can happen! You're turning a sanctified ceremony that's been upheld for centuries into a disgusting farce!"

"Look who's talking!" Sakura yelled back and Syaoran nodded in vigorous agreement with her. "If you just had the guts to say 'no', like any normal priest, we wouldn't be here arguing with you! Baka!"

The man slumped behind the pulpit and began massaging his forehead before enunciating slowly and carefully, "That's it." Then more loudly, "I would like to introduce to you a super-condensed version of the nuptial ritual." He turned to Syaoran. "You do." He turned to Sakura. "And so do you. Fine, good, you're married." He jammed the marriage contract into Touya's hand and continued, "Get them to sign it on your own. I now pronounce you blessed by God or whatever deity you believe in, have a nice life, congratulations. Now, get out!"

Like the "shepherd of God" that he claimed to be, he herded the unwelcome crowd out the door and shoved them onto the front steps, hastily crossing himself. "Bless you, lose the number to this church as well as its address, and good night all." The heavy wooden doors slammed shut with amazing force, leaving the bewildered party staring at the gilded runes etched into the doorway.

"I like him." Yuki commented with a smile, "Don't you think that was such a good wedding?"

"…" Sakura pressed her lips into a thin line, unwilling to take all her frustration out on the hapless and forever good-natured Yuki whom she had had a crush on as a kid. Instead she went over to Syaoran and began to unbind him. "This is all your fault," She hissed under her breath. "You're the almighty 'oh look at me, I'm Li Syaoran from Hong Kong', and you couldn't prevent this?" As soon as his arms were free, she stepped back a step and brought her hand across his face in a loud SLAP before wheeling on the ball of her foot and stalking away, still muttering epithets under her breath.

Syaoran yanked out the gag from his mouth, croaking angrily, "You married me to a shrew!"

Touya nodded muzzily and smiled, "Welcome to the fambly." He slurred, and taking the younger man by the shoulders, steered him towards the Kimonoto residence. "We'll call yer (hic) parents in Hongsh Kong an' (hic) give em da good newsh…"

Oh you think so, eh? Omae o kuruso, bakayaroo! Lightning!"

"Aie!!!"

"Sakura! Are you alright?? Goddamn it Syaoran!"

"Oww……"

***

Syaoran and a twice-charred Sakura sat on the sky blue coverlet of her bed, glowering furiously at Touya as he cheerfully insisted on some "celebratory" sake. Tomoyo had decided to leave earlier on, claiming that her mom would be furious at her arriving home so late. "Not that I would have missed it for the world." She said, and winked cheerfully, camera still in hand. "Ja, Sakura, Syaoran! I'll call you later tonight!"

"Thish ish na everry (hic) day thash…thash…m'little (hic) shishter ges…ma…marriieed." Touya smiled drunkenly as he struggled to go on with the toast. "I'd likesh to be da firsht to (hic) congrashula…" But his three bottles of sake finally caught up to him and still holding his hand up, he closed his eyes and immediately passed out on Sakura's bedroom carpet.

For a moment, there was silence. Then Yuki, sipping at his own small cup, remarked equably, "I believe Touya's had too much to drink, Sakura."

"Good." She muttered, "I hope he dies of liver corrosion."

She watched mulishly as Yuki carefully cleaned away the mess of barely touched mochi and empty sake bottles and half-dragging, half-supporting Touya, he staggered towards the door. "Konbanwa," He waved and the door closed gently behind him.

The two newlyweds continued to glare at the door in a semblance of obstinate anger, before Sakura suddenly grinned, folding her hands and smiling brilliantly at Syaoran. Impishly she tilted her head at him and remarked, "You act awfully well."

"Hmph."

"And Tomoyo did a good job at too…much better than at rehearsal. I didn't know she could get you in a half nelson…nice improvisation, don't you think? You know, there's more to her than meets the eye. I have no idea why she got Kero into this though…I bet he's hoping for some cake or something as a reward…hmph, opportunist. I swear, the day he stops thinking about his stomach, the world is gonna come to an end."

"Hmph."

Syaoran's annoyed countenance didn't change and Sakura's happy expression dimmed a little and she asked a little sadly, "What? You changed your mind? You know Touya would have never agreed otherwise and Meilin would have thrown a fit if you actually got married to me willingly."

Syaoran turned sulky mahogany-brown eyes on her and scowled. "You slapped me."

owari….

'niichan: older brother (in a loving way. Usually, it would only be ani)

imouto: younger sister

omae o kuruso: I will kill you

bakayaroo: really mean way of saying stupid/idiot

konbanwa: good night

mochi: rice paste and red bean delicacy

Read it? ^____^ .

And now for the omake…*sweatdrop* but I need to put a warning on it first.

(Written by Yebisu Beer and only by Yebisu Beer, I did NOT have any part in writing this, but when he wrote it and sent it to me, it was like…OH NO! >.< But it's funny in a perverted way….*shudder* yeah, n'wayz, if you aren't hentai or ecchi, (perverted or kinky) SKIP IT. Everything is implicit, nothing is explicit, but what it implies is…heh heh *BIG anime sweatdrop*…well, let's just say that you've been warned!)

Omake:

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Sakura looked glumly at herself. "They're so small…"

Syaoran looked downwards at himself. "It's so small…"

"I know!" Sakura suddenly yanked something out of her backpack and whirled around triumphantly to look at him. "LET'S USE THE…BIG CARD!"

In the opposite room, through a carefully drilled hole in the wall, Tomoyo's jaw crashed to the ground. "Dear God that is…wow…"

Kero's eyes glazed. "Do you think mine can get that big?"

***

Touya woke up with a groan holding his head. "What…my head…" His head was pounding and he could feel alcohol distinctively on his breath. "What happened last night?" All he remembered was Sakura saying he'd regret something when he woke up…He just forgot what.

Reaching across his bed to grab his headache medicine on the nightstand, his hand brushed a lump on his bed. He groaned, "Huh? Yuki…again? Look man, when I get bombed you can't show up here all the time."

"Oh Touya…that was wonderful…" As a head appeared over the blanket, and Touya choked, scrambling back. "What the hell??"

Tomoyo smiled. "Can we do it again?"

As screaming woke up the couple on the other room, Sakura winced, burying her head into the sheets. "What's going on? I'm still tired…"

Syoaran smiled smugly. "Yeah…." Suddenly he groaned, "Oh shit…"

"What?"

"We haven't caught the Little card!"

Oh MY GOD! I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME! I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME! GOMEN! But it was too hilarious to take off…he's such a baka-hentai! lol.

And here's a little debate/argument that Youjibear and me are having…Syaoran's eyes can be amber, can't they? I mean, if he's showing some great or intense emotion, do you think his eyes can go totally amber? Amber is a light honey color and we were arguing over that word for *pause* two/three days. She made me change it…*pout* to brown….*grumble, grumble, mutter* So, what do you think?

N'wayz, review pleaze, : ) Arigato, minna!