Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Sunrise, Sunset ❯ The First Chapter, and the Last. ( Chapter 1 )

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Sunrise, Sunset

By: Kyuukoudai* A.k.a. Musouka


I'm terribly sorry. But this was intended to be a one-shot fanfic. So, no more chapters. Enjoy!



The decisions we make in our lifetime can affect us in ways we never imagined. No matter how small, nor how great and compelling, they can alter how we think, how we feel. They can lift you high above the earth, leaving you soaring though the clouds in a drunken splendor of happiness. They can choke the breath from you and rip your heart to shreds. And they can determine whether or not you live to see another day. This might sound like a lot of reliance to be put on just one of our bodily functions, but I know first hand the burn of loss, the feel of your heart about to burst. I know the meaning of pain, I live it every day. No one can make me feel otherwise about the decisions that are made in one's lifetime.
I've had to make so many decisions, perhaps too many for my feeble mind to take. But what's past is past, and ... I cannot redeem myself for any wrongs I have done others. I've tried, I've tried like hell and now I'm tired, tired of ... is it life? Is it love? I don't know what I am tired of, but I can feel it aching in my body and soul. I can't even begin to explain.
It may have started when my mind decided he was the one for me. Mind you, it wasn't only a physical attraction, it was something more. I could feel it burning, but not a burn of pain or sorrow, a burning for desire. I took that burning desire and locked it away deep in my heart. I never told the world, never told the one for whom it belonged. Selfish is what I can call it... to have a feeling so strong and never flaunt it for the world to see. But it matters not... because Syaoran could feel it, even when I denied it. He knew it was there... that's what was so special about him. That's why I continued to see him after all our perils had ended. That's why I gave up going to Hawaii on a family vacation to stay and be with him when his mother died of cancer. That's why I loved him.
We grew, and matured, and lived our lives. I threw away the shy shell of a little girl and blossomed into a young woman. I had confidence, I had passion, and I had a grasp on my life. I was busy, and I didn't partake in girlish dreams anymore. I had my Syaoran, I had my will and my job at the local bakery. I had control and I worked hard for everything I had and wanted. But deep inside… that deep seeded craving and burning pulled at my heartstrings and I longed for something more. I couldn't make out just what it was. But it was always there, a feeling I sometimes couldn't ignore.
I would sit and watch the sunset at night from my bedroom window. Often I would climb out the window and lie on the room, just watching it sink slowly down on the horizon. I felt like crying, at those times; crying for my selfishness, crying for my greed, crying for every sin I had committed. Because when I watched a sunset, I suddenly longed to be beyond that distant horizon, I wanted to travel with the sun to lands unknown and explore. I didn't want to stay at home anymore. I didn't want structure and reliability, I wanted danger. And I cried because I had everything. I had my love; I had a good job and a great education. Why was my heart so melancholy? Why did it make me so ungrateful?
I pushed it down and tried to ignored it for some time. It was a hard decision I made, and it ripped a hole in my very being. A deep depression set it, and with all I had to surround me, all the happiness I had once prided in my life, I was alone in a dark room and no one. Not even dear, sweet Syaoran. My depression hit him with the weight of the ocean, and it hurt him deeper than I can ever imagine. I don't know what I was thinking, how long did I think I could keep up this act? How long before my final decisions were made?
It took two years that lasted eternity. But my mind had been made up, and I asked Syaoran to travel with me. The look he gave me was filled with sorrow, and before he could answer I knew he wouldn't go. I didn't ask why, I simply accepted it. My heart ached to hold him but he walked away and we never spoke again. I wanted to redeem myself, wanted to yell after him and bring him back to me, to forget my foolish longing for adventure and just to be with him. But my decision had already taken affect. I couldn't turn back now. I thought it must be fate.
So I bought my train ticket and packed my things. Material possessions had no meaning to me anymore, but I brought them all the same. I faintly remember a tearful goodbye with my family. And I left for that train station, and got on board. Syaoran didn't say goodbye, didn't even show up for my farewell party. And my heart changed moods again. First it had felt a burning desire, then a deep seeded longing, and now the shadow of a terrible sadness hung in my hallowed heart. My damage had been done, I had hurt him by a decision of mine. And I couldn't turn back now, I just... couldn't.
Lines of worry and stress are etched on my forehead, I can feel it. And my slender fingers are red from almost an hour's worth of writing. I can see the stains of salty tears on my beige writing book. And this is 19. I worked hard, I loved and lost, and now I've decided that foolish.... foolish tourism is more important than my true love. I'm stupid, and I've made up my mind to be that way. There's no turning back now.
It's late at night, maybe 6, and then sun is painting the sky bright red. I wonder, when the train will leave? We've been sitting at the station for nearly an hour!
Could I write a letter of farewell? What's the point, anyway? To whom am I writing? Syaoran, oh goodness no, I've lost him forever.
I look out the window at the crowded train station. I see people, many different people, dotted in clusters here and there. I wonder how they feel, if they must decide what is right and what is not. Of course, my situation is not a question of right and wrong. It's merely a decision. Or is it? Decisions can be right or wrong, but they have to be made, either way. Why do I put so much blame of decisions? They seem to be all I ever think about, all I ever talk about! The fault lies not in the decision that must be made, it lies in the one who makes the decision.
That's when I think, was my decision right... or wrong? And does it matter to anyone but me? Or is it still hurting my Syaoran? Will I ever get to see him again? And is he worth giving up? What decision have I made?
So many questions, too little answers.
And that's when I see it. More like, him. Syaoran's sitting on a bench, far away from the departure area. I can only just make him out, but I know it's him. I can feel it. And he is fingering the whitest rose I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. He is.., he is sad. He has an aura, an aura of sadness. Could I be the root of his sorrow? What am I... doing on this damned train?
I realize that I've made, by far, the wrong decision. This time, it's question of right and wrong. I'm sure.
I press my trembling hand to the glass of the window. The tears come gushing down my face as I choke, "Syaoran... you are my sunrise, my sunset, my everything, and I will follow you past the horizon and forever."
I almost jump when he looks about, confused. There's no way he could've heard me. But he could feel it, as I do. And that feeling is proof enough for me. I've got to get out of this train!
I fling open the window and call his name with a vengeance. He sees me and he comes running to meet me. I can feel the laughter building in my gut. Without a second thought, I jump out the train window to the platform below. Who cares about my sparse luggage? I can buy new clothes. I can never buy a new Syaoran.
I hear him calling my name, "Sakura, Sakura!" but I don't see him. My eyes are blinded with tears of joy; I can only come and heed the sound of his voice. Finally, I feel his embrace and I am lost in his touch. There is no need for words, and a passionate kiss can be saved and savoured later. He's fulfilled my dreams, my desires, and vanquished any shadow of a doubt, which may have lingered in my lonely heart. He's all I'll ever need. My decision has been made. And I know, without a doubt, that it's the right one... for me.