Clamp School Fan Fiction ❯ Just Nokoru ❯ Chapter 1

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Title: Just Nokoru
Series: CLAMP Campus Detectives
Timeline: X
Genre: General
Rating/Warnings: PG (shounen-ai theme)

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Standard disclaimers apply. CLAMP wTãc / CLAMP Campus Detectives / CLAMP School Detectives belong to CLAMP, Asuka, Kodansha, Tokyo Pop, Bandai and other copy right holders. No rights reserved.

This is a work of fan fiction and not for profit. Please do not read if you have any objections to male/male and/or polyamorous relationships. Thanks!

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I sigh to myself as I look around the empty Director's office. For the moment I am alone here. Suoh and Akira have both left for the evening, gone home to their loved ones, leaving me to my own thoughts.

I suppose would go home if I felt I really had somewhere to go home to. Even from my youngest years, I have known that a home is somewhere where you felt at ease, needed, wanted and most importantly, loved. As the youngest of the Imonoyama sons, I never got much attention. My family is a large group, all extremely talented, eccentric and frankly too wrapped up in their own affairs to much notice what others were doing.

Out of six children, four of those sons, it has always been difficult to stand out and get attention considering that all of us were in talented in our own right. My eldest brother, the eldest of all the Imonoyama children had been named heir to the Imonoyama Group long before I was even born. I never begrudged him that position or his lack of time for me as his youngest brother. He is more than fifteen years older than me and was groomed for the position ever since he was old enough to understand what was going on. I never did see much of him; I saw even less of him as I grew older. I did not see much of my other siblings either. All of us were busy doing something or other.

Likewise because of my father's hectic schedule, I rarely saw him. On the other hand, I did see a great deal of my mother, but not in the way I imagine most mothers see their children. When I was growing up, she was never simply "Mother." To me she was always "Rijichou." Director. Throughout my years as Chairman of the various division of CLAMP Campus, she would always appear, dressed in her kimono, her fan ever present at her side, giving me words of advice. I knew that I would someday take her place. Like my brother who had been groomed for the position as Head of the Imonoyama Group, I was groomed for the position of Director of CLAMP Campus.

And as Chairman, I was often busy with Council duties and as a result, I spent more time with Suoh and Akira than I did with my family. In many ways, Suoh and Akira became my family and the school became my home. It was with them that I felt at ease, needed wanted and above all, loved. While I had always appreciated it, the importance of that sense of family became even more crucial for me later on.

On the night prior to my graduation from the High School Division, my mother called me up to this office, her office at the time. She greeted me not with a hug or a smile but instead with a grave expression on her face. I had a destiny, she said, one that was tied into the true purpose of this Campus. She spoke of how proud she was of my work over the years and how she hoped that, once I had graduated from the University division, I would take over the Director's position so that she could retire.

I accepted gladly as I had hoped for the chance ever since I was young. But even as she spoke, and even as I accepted, I remember the empty, hollow feeling in my chest. I felt that her pride in me was that of a colleague but not that of a mother, swelling with pride at all that her youngest son had accomplished. For the life of me I could not understand why she was so distant and formal as she spoke of my achievements.

I realized that what I wanted in that moment, to have a mother, to have a family member that supported me. But even then I did not receive it.

"Kaichou?" Akira had asked me when I returned to the High School Council office after the meeting. "How did the talk with the Director go?"

"It went well," I had answered, sitting on my desk, my back turned to the both of them, looking out the window. Every Division had its own beautiful view of the campus from the Council room. I knew that I would be moving on to the University Division soon. I sat there silently for a while, twirling my fan in my hand. My fan.... Anyone who knew anything about my family could always point out an Imonoyama by the fans that they carried. I stared down at it and opened it, but without the usual flourish that I usually added to it. I found myself wondering if this small, insignificant object was the only thing binding me to my family other than my name?

"Kaichou?" Suoh stood with Akira behind me. They always knew when something was wrong.

I remember that I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell them about the talk that I had just had with my mother. But the words just would not come to me. How could I tell them that the moment which I had hoped for my family's love had just passed and I had not received it?

A lump just rose in my throat and I found I could not say anything. For once I was speechless. I bowed my head, feeling the tears start to form in my eyes. I fought them down as much as I could for an Imonoyama does not cry. But before being an Imonoyama, I am Nokoru and weak as I am the tears began to flow. If you asked me now, I would not be able to tell you who started it but almost immediately I felt one pair of arms around me, holding me, and then another. Akira and Suoh were quiet as they held me, letting me cry and sob like a child in their arms. That meant more to me than my mother's words ever could have.

There were times that Suoh would complain about his mother and her penchant for testing his alertness during the strangest times, like tea time. Akira would sometimes have to rush out at the end of day, apologizing profusely, saying that he had to make dinner for his mothers.

I smile to myself now remembering one of the times that Akira had to leave early. He had left a note, apologizing for having to leave with a mountain of unfinished paperwork left to do. Smiling to each other, Suoh and I finished his work for him, and we had left him a note, saying that the "little people" had done it for him because he was always such a good worker. When Akira found out the next day, he was very happy that the "little people" had thought enough of him to do it for him.

I do not get much time to myself. From the moment I wake to the moment I slip into that blessed darkness called sleep I am busy, usually preparing plans for the next meeting of the CLAMP Campus council or reviewing some of the projects that the Electrical Engineering Division of the Imonoyama Group or hatching another plot that is sure to drive Suoh absolutely nuts.

Again I smile to myself. Suoh... my friend, my bodyguard, my loyal secretary, my never ending nag. He is the one who keeps me on my toes, making sure I get my paperwork done as well as keep me from breaking my ne ck doing something or other he has told me not to do. I never listen to his warnings about telling me no to do stuff. Sometimes I think he tells me not t o do something out of habit; it is something he has been telling me for almost 20 years now and old habits are hard to break.

Akira is always at my other side. It worries me sometimes that he sometimes perceives himself to be second to Suoh. To me, he and Suoh are on equal footing. Where Suoh provides logic and practicality, Akira provides emotional insight and enthusiasm. When we were younger, he was always the one with the bright, child-like smile, the wide eyes curious to know what was going on, and the naïve enthusiasm that could only be described as Ijyuin Akira. But as we grew older, I saw his eyes and smile darken a little, becoming just a little bit more conscious, and a little bit more forced. It saddened me because I knew why.

For at least a year, one of us would be separated from the other two. When I entered junior high, it was me. Although we all spent our lunch hours together, and still often worked together as the CLAMP Campus Detective team, we were still apart for the majority of the day. When it was my turn, I felt terribly lonely at school. So when it was Akira's turn,I knew how he would feel. Akira is incredibly sensitive, and even now, he is still a little bit naïve, but I know that his innocent façade is little more than an act. Behind that facade lies someone much deeper, someone who is hurting and perhaps, even now, a little lonely.

If I were to tell anyone I sometimes felt desperately lonely I am sure they would scoff. After all, I am Imonoyama Nokoru, the famed "ladies man" of CLAMP Campus. I am no idiot; I know that women surround me day in and day out. A good fourth of the calls that come into my office are from women. Every Valentine's Day, my office is swamped with chocolates of every conceivable shape, size, and variety. I have long since been unable to keep to my elementary school vow of eating every single chocolate that comes in for me.

As I have grown older the biggest question on campus and society among the women is whether or not I will choose a bride. Will I ever marry? I do not believe that I will.

I have heard the scathing comments from other men on the campus about my policy about being polite to every female I meet yet I have no woman by my side. I honestly believe in making every lady feel special, to treat them with the kindness and politeness that they deserve. But even so I have never had a girlfriend.

I know these women fawn over me because of what I am and the importance and power that I have. I am the youngest son of the Imonoyama family. I control the Electrical Engineering division of the Imonoyama Group. I am the Director of CLAMP Campus. I am rich. I am powerful. I am brilliant. I am good looking. That is all that these women see, but none of these women truly love me for who I am. Why? The reason is simple: they do not know me. How could they know me? I have never, ever, let any woman that close to me so that they could love me. And this begs the question: someday in the future, would I?

The answer is no. I would not do that because I have already found the one, or more precisely ones, that I love. My two best friends. My assistants. My two bodyguards. Suoh and Akira. I can truly say that I love these men. It is a kind of love that runs deep, that is far deeper than just a physical or emotional want or desire but a love that transcends its own definition. Simply put, without either of them in my life, I would feel grossly incomplete. Even more than just loving them I am in love with both of them.

I think they love me too. In fact I am sure they do. This is not an observation of borne of narcissism but rather a simple statement of fact. They have never told me as much; Suoh is such a quiet man now, I do not think that he could tell me that in so many words. But Suoh has always been a man who speaks through action and not words. As for Akira, I can see in his feelings in his eyes. Unlike Suoh, Akira has never been able to hide his emotions. Even that smile of his cannot hide it.

Will anything ever come from my love for them? To that question I believe the answer is no. They are both in love with two of the most amazing women that I have ever met in my lifetime, two women that match their souls almost perfectly.

I would be damned if I would break such perfection as they have found with their loves. They deserve to be loved by women like Utako-hime and Nagisa-jyo rather than by a man like me. Who am I to be worthy of men such as them?

Because I know all this, I could never ask them if they are in love with me. They love me for who I am because they know who I am sometimes better than I know myself. Just the knowledge that they love me should be enough; I do not need to ask them if they are in love with me the way I am with them. I am lucky enough as it is to have them with me all the time. Many lovers spend a large time apart from each other. I have them by my side at all times. Perhaps it is selfish of me to always want them beside me.

But there are times like now, when I am alone, that I find myself wishing for more. To be able to tell them how I feel and to go where love takes so many other people.

As we went through school, my name to both of them was always "Kaichou." "Kaichou" this "Kaichou" that. Never "Nokoru." Sometimes I wonder if I am "Nokoru" to anyone. Am I always just going to be "Rijichou" or "-sama"? Is it too much to ask to just want to be a regular person to someone? Is it too much to ask to have just a name and not a title?

Damn Japanese manners that state that you must always address someone as either above you or below you... unless it is perfectly clear you are on equal footing. I consider them my equals. I always have and I always will. And I wish, I hope, I want so badly for them to think of me not as their superior, but as their equal. Is that so much to hope for the ones you love to think of you as you think of them? I do not want to be followed, to have them look to me for orders; I want to be on equal footing with them. I am just Imonoyama Nokoru... no... I am just Nokoru. If, for only a second, I could be just Nokoru to them just as they are Akira and Suoh to me....

I turn around in my chair, looking out of the window of the Director's office, absently playing with my fan, trying not to think of them, trying not to want for more.

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Originally written: July 2000; Posted Summer 2001; Major Revision 6/16/04

Revised four years later for Nokoru's birthday! Happy Birthday Nokoru-sama ? Comments and constructive criticism welcome!