Cowboy Bebop Fan Fiction ❯ Got You ❯ Surprise! You're Dead ( Chapter 5 )

I do not own the characters of Cowboy Bebop. They are the property of Sunrise, Bones, and Bandai Visual (2001). They make the money, not me. Nor can I take credit for most of my chapter headings- they are the product of their authors. Sigh.

And now….

The messy repercussions.

 

Chapter 5: Surprise! You're Dead! (Faith No More)

 

Jet peered at the hacker on his way back from the hangar. He had given up on the wiring. It, like many things aboard the ship, could wait until more Woolongs were available. "Found anything?" he paused when Ed brought up the profile of one of the partners. Freshly showered Spike wandered towards the couch. He glanced over Jet's shoulder scanning the bio. Both men grimaced as they studied (Cousin) Kevin Lihas's rap sheet. "Holy shit. This guy already had a 75 mil bounty for homicide, torture, mutilation, rape, drug paraphernalia, solicitation, the list goes on!" Jet was gob smacked.

Spike shrugged, "So he's a bit of a dabbler?" he rummaged for a smoke as he found a comfortable position.

“Dabbler?!” Jet shot Spike a nervous glance, "I want to look into this guy further before we send Faye after him." Spike cocked an eyebrow in response. "There's something about him that doesn't sit right. Call it intuition." Spike rolled his neck and decided to let Jet have his way- Jet's intuition was usually best not to ignore, though things were always more interesting when he did. Returning to his favorite position on the couch he stretched and flopped his stocking clad feet onto the armrest. Ed's incessant typing the perfect white noise and the lack of chatter meant Faye was off “beautifying” and Jet had gone to meditate through maintenance or bonsai. With a leisure drag, he slumped further into his personal divot and began to snooze. When the soft snores came from his end of the couch, Ed quietly quit typing and set off to find Faye.

 

“Faye. Faye,” she stage whispered through the doorway, “Spike-person is in dreamy-dream land.”

“You're sure?”

“Ed is quite sure,” stated as though she were the expert of Spike's napping rituals. “Ed watched Spiky-Spike finish his smoke, wiggle to the big dip in the couch and begin to make noises,” she took a moment to mimic Spike's soft murmurs and snores. “Ed did just as Faye-Faye said and kept tippy-typing until Ed was certain.” With a nod, Faye pulled out the supplies.

“Ok Ed. What I want you to do is wait until his hand slips off the edge of the couch.”

“Yesssss?” This must be very good. It was so involved and it had props!

“Then you're going to spray some of this,” Faye pulled out a brightly colored can, “Don't let any drip on the floor. We don't want to waste any.”

“What is that?”

“Oh! It smells yummy. See,” Faye turned the can so Ed could read the label before spraying a tiny dollop on her finger, “it smells like…”

“Mmmm…” Ed said with a smile, “candy.”

“Right. It's a delicious smell. One of my favorites.”

“Ok, Faye-Faye.” She read the can and frowned, “Are we shaving Spike's palm for him?”

“No, Ed. Though I'm sure he needs it,” Faye grinned. “After you fill his hand with the cream, you're going to tickle Spike's nose with this,” she revealed a small feather from one of her more disreputable disguises, “when he feels the tickle he will rub his face and spread shaving cream all over.” She felt like she was hosting a children's show on the education channel, “Then all he has to do is go shave so he isn't all scruffy,” Faye made a face to illustrate how unpleasant `scruffy' was. Ed copied the soured expression, her head bobbling studiously. Internally Faye was beaming, quite tickled with her resourcefulness.

“Ohhh… it says here that Spike-person will have silky smooth skin with a delightfully, tantalizing scent!”

“Yup. He'll smell much, much better.”

“Ahh… Why is Spike-person so lucky?” Ed stuck her lip out in a pout.

“He needs a little extra attention is all, Ed. It isn't luck, it's sympathy. Now remember,” she grabbed Ed's shoulders and leaned in close, “you have to be super sneaky or you'll ruin the surprise.” With that Faye ushered Ed out of the room and resumed her nail filing.

 

Ed nervously crept past Spike and resumed her search. At every noise, or shift she cautiously peered around the edge of her Tomato to establish the location of his hand. Currently, one was resting behind his head, the other draped across his stomach.

“Ed cannot take much more of this, Ein,” she whined, flopping back upon the poor pup. Who offered a pathetic yip. “Spike-person's hand must move so Ed can help him feel better.” She sighed, slowly losing her patience over the task Faye assigned.

“Hey Ed, how's it going?” asked Jet on his way to the kitchen.

She stuck a finger to her lips, “Shhh!” Jet's eyes widened. Ed hissed, “Fine, MPU is helping Ed with her search. But Spike-person will not move so Ed can help him.”

“What Ed? What are you talking about?”

“Ed has a present for Spike but cannot give it to him,” she pouted, “his hands are not free.” The poor kid looked so dejected, Jet immediately felt sorry.

“Huh, what do you need? Can I help?”

“Ed needs Spike person's hand to dangle off the couch so she can put a surprise in it.” Ed sighed again, as Spike returned his leg to the couch's arm.

“Oh, just gently move it. If you're careful, he won't notice,” Jet shrugged, hoping this would get his star hacker back to her assigned task.

“Careful like a surgeon sturgeon, right?” She continued to stage whisper, though it was obviously unnecessary.

“Heh. Yeah somethin' like that. Good luck kid,” and with a ruffle of her hair Jet set off to start dinner.

 

Faye had been waiting for the impending blow-up far too long. Since she hadn't heard a peep she decided to see what was keeping Ed from completing her mission. Did she get caught? Maybe Spike isn't napping? Maybe he is… concerned for the girl's and, begrudgingly, Spike's safety Faye made her way to the usual hangout. At the doorway of the main room she froze. Ed was filling Spike's hand with the potent, über-girly shaving cream. Wow. She's taking this seriously. Faye felt a slight flutter of guilt for using the hacker. Hmmph. Spike pulled the exact same trick. Ed was now dramatically tip toeing to the end of the couch near Spike's head. With a grin, the Cheshire Cat would envy, she carefully tickled Spike's face. As the feather ghosted across his nostrils, his breathing changed and he wrinkled his nose. Ed peeked at Faye wondering what to do. Faye carefully mouthed, “Tickle him again.” Ed complied, causing Spike to half heartedly shrug his shoulder towards his nose. “Again…”

SPLAT!

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Spike sat bolt upright. Ed and Ein scrambled for safety. Faye remained rooted. Jet came running from the kitchen, a wire whisk clutched in his hand.

“Spike, what's…” comprehension dawned, Oh shit! That was Ed's gift?! She wasted no time turning him into a shield.

“Ed did not mean to make Spike-person so angry. Ed was trying to give Spike a gift like he gave Faye-Faye,” she hoarsely whispered eyes wide from behind Jet's form.

“You did, Ed. Don't worry he's not mad at you. Come help me finish dinner.” He carefully led the girl away from the potential fall-out. With a small chuckle and a shake of his head he mumbled, “Can-o' worms, buddy. Can. O'. Worms.”

Spike swiping the shaving cream preparing to drip into his eyes, settled his glare at the Faye statue on the stairs. “So tell me Faye,” he gritted, trying to avoid getting anymore in his mouth. “How did Ed happen to figure out this sleep-over trick?”

“Oh. Well, she wanted to return the bug favor from yesterday,” Faye nervously tittered, “so I helped her out.” Faye, her spell broken by a sudden sense of self preservation, was carefully analyzing if she could run to her bedroom and lock the door before Spike launched. “I mean she asked me nicely, and it was so sweet of you to give her all those,” Faye gave a disapproving frown, “lovely decorations. I couldn't refuse a chance to express my gratitude,” she smiled attempting a look of sweet innocence.

“Faye,” Spike's tone was flat; he was far from swayed, “this shit stinks.”

“It DOES NOT!” She stomped and crossed her arms. “I happen to use it all the…” comprehension dawning she took a tentative step towards the door.

“Where you goin' Faye?” He attempted to raise an eyebrow, only to have more glop into his eye. His voice lowered to a snarl, “We're having such a nice chat.”

“Err… I just remembered I left the…the… umm… the iron on,” and with that she bolted. Spike simply pulled himself off the couch, desperately trying to keep the foam from dripping in any more orifices, though doubted it possible. He heard the tell-tale click of a lock as he entered the hallway. “Turn about's a bitch, Faye,” was mumbled in passing.

 

“SSSSS… Damn, this stuff stings!” He grumbled rinsing out his eyes, cleared his nose and washed his face, removing the, What is that, orange? residue. Deciding that too much of the stuff had gotten on him, he made his way back to collect shower supplies. Ergh. I smell like a chick! No, tentative whiff, I smell like Faye. Muttering incoherently he carefully washed his hair- again, while plans of retaliation flitted through his head.

 

“So Ed what information did you learn about our newest bounty?” Ed still looked a bit shaken over Spike's reaction and Jet didn't want her dwelling. It would cause problems. He was certain the blame had already fallen on the proper culprit: Faye.

“Oh. Ed did good and found pictures!” Beaming, she scampered from the kitchen to retrieve her Tomato. Perched precariously atop her head, Jet was able to see a well kept, trim man with sandy blonde hair. He had a superior air, fairly handsome with dark malicious eyes and a swarmy smirk- every father's nightmare. Ed pressed a button and Jet was now face to face with a sweaty, fat, balding man in a rumbled suit and tie, hugging an indistinguishable, large, effeminately, masculine blob. Boris looked harmless, his scared eyes and slack jaw gave the impression he would rather be somewhere else.

“Hmm… They look nothing like I expected. Guess Kevin's the brains, huh?”

“No. He's too cranky. There's more, look!” Ed sang wiggling her eyebrows in a slightly worldly way that made Jet uncomfortable, “Look at the rest.”

“Holy shit! They're a couple?!”

“Ehh?” Ed turned the computer so she could see it again, “No. They are cousins. Their daddies were brothers.” She pointed to an old school picture a tall strawberry blonde between the two, “See they always get into the same things.” She pulled up juvenile records and sure enough if Kevin was busted Boris went down too- though the reverse was not the case, “They're a team! Eh… sort of.” She returned to the threesome, “Edward thinks this is the mystery man.”

“Hold up, show me those pictures again.” She began flipping through the various photos from school, emails, etc. The strawberry blonde appeared in several, with various alterations to his hair color, cut, and so forth. “Who's this guy?” Jet's finger landed on him.

Her eyebrows squished, “Edward is not sure. The tall man likes hugging the ugly man though.” She grinned, “Edward thinks they are friends for life, little strife, hugging tight while playing naked, kissy face at night!” Ed's body swayed and she made squishy, kiss faces as she sang of the two's assumed affections. Then she pulled a sour face, “Ed would not want to kiss them. Ewwe! Ed would get clappers or cooties or…or…” She frowned, “What's that nasty thing Spike-person says Faye-Faye caught?”

“Not important kid.” He began trying to remember himself, last time Spike had accused Faye of questionable morals and the diseases collected by them she'd busted his nose- a major surprise to all three adults. Remembering Ed he continued, “Err… thanks Ed. Print this up and... uhh…" Jet's eyebrow rose, "Why don't you go give Ein some dinner.”

“Right-o Mr. Boss Man! Reeeeerrroooom,” arms at three and nine she flew around the small counter.

Jet glanced at her retreating back, “And Ed no more of those odd ball videos you find diving in people's personal files, just because two guys are friends DOES NOT mean they…” he gave an involuntary shudder remembering Ed's dance, “kiss and hug. AND quit listening in on Faye and Spike's arguments!!”

She returned to the doorway, a happy grin plastered on her face, “Then Ed'll watch Spike's videos!” She disappeared instantly.

Jet sputtered and paled. What videos?! “NO! Ed absolutely NOT! You stay out of his numerous stashes!” Silence. “Ed, I know you heard me!! No MORE!” Damn kid's goin' give me nightmares or ulcers. He frowned, No. She'll give me both. He shook his head, I'll have to get Spike to move his porn stash. Probably should have him move all his recreational supplies. Jet scratched his beard absently returning to the previous conversation he mumbled aloud, “What does Spike accuse Faye of having?”

 

Faye had hidden until she was certain Spike would be a while. She had no idea Ed could squirt nearly the whole can of shaving cream in his hand. I know his feet and hands are freakishly large, but holy hell I just bought that! Her initial plan was in keeping close to the rest of the crew. She figured, well actually hoped, the others would make it difficult for Spike to retaliate. When the shower began, she slipped out to find them. She caught the tail end of Jet and Ed's discussion, barely missing the fleeing teen. She entered the kitchen, catching Jet's in deep thought mumbling.

“Spike accuses me of having `The Bug'.”

“What?”

“Some oddball fictional STD invented for a comic book or somethin'. Hey, why were you talking about Spike's videos?”

“Huh? Oh that kid heard me. The fact she's silent tells me she's pretending she didn't.”

“Pfff… You sound like a mother when you talk like that,” Faye pulled out a cigarette, noticing Jet's red face and the slight clenching of his hand she grabbed two. “Here, take a joke. Geez!”

“Err… uh… thanks Faye. What the hell's `The Bug'?” slight forgotten.

“Oh. Like I said, it's a fictional STD, supposed to cause bizarre mutations and make the one who has it an outcast.” She shrugged unfazed, “Don't know where the hell he came up with that one. Sounds like a comic book thing, if you ask me.” She frowned, “So what's Ed gotten into now?”

“She's watchin' smut or something. I just stood here listening to her talk about the nighttime activities of male lovers.”

“Huh. Didn't know Spike was into guy on guy porn.”

“He isn't?” Faye's eyebrow quirked causing Jet to blush slightly.

“So if it isn't Spike's videos where's she gettin' it from?” Jet gave her an appraising glance, she flushed, “No. Nuh-uh. Try again. I'm not the visual type.” She stuck a manicured nail to her chin, “If she isn't getting her info from Spike's stash what's she basin' it on?” She grinned, “I bet she said, that one of them smokes and drinks until he can't walk straight, comes home to sleep on a god awful, ugly, yellow couch, then wakes the next morning to down a concoction of raw egg and Tabasco?” She grinned, gaining momentum, “While his buddy mopes in a room full of trees with a pair of scissors?” Jet's lips pursed. Faye snapped her fingers, “I know! He abandons his comrades, to chase after ghosts and blows himself up!” Her hand flew up, her fingers spreading wide to mimic an explosion. She frowned, “Then bitches because he couldn't stay dead.” She sniggered before pulling a pained, sad face, “Poor baby, neither heaven nor hell wants him.”

Jet snorted, “Faye, I'm insulted you'd even imply I'm sleeping with Spike.” He chuckled, “'Sides, I think if you asked him, he'd say this is hell.” Faye's lack of a comment, proved she agreed. Jet grew serious, “And for your information he's actually perked up, don't know why but he has.” Jet returned his attention to the stove shaking his head, “God dammit, I thought you'd gotten over all that crap!”

“Meh. I'm not one to forgive and forget.” She leaned over the counter.

“Yeah, yeah. It's one or the other with you, right?”

“More like neither. So what's Ed done that's got your boxers bunched?” Jet gave a disapproving glare and shared Ed's latest findings. He left no detail out about the photos and explained the disturbing actions of the team's favorite, and only, hacker. Faye appeared unfazed over the revelation, which was highly disturbing to the older man. She sighed, “Jet, she's a teenager. She's goin' to be curious about that stuff and use what little knowledge she has to try to get a rise out of us.” She grinned, “All she made was kissy-faces. It isn't like you caught her masturbating or she started dry humping your leg.” Jet visibly paled at the sudden mental pictures.

“Who's humping? I told you Ein needed to be, snort, fixed,” Ergh! I keep getting whiffs of oranges. With Spike's entry Faye left to find a safer locale.

“Oh hey Spike. No Ein has been keeping his… err… more carnal needs to himself. `Sides, he came fixed.”

“Huh, thought Faye had a little more discretion.”

“Spike, she isn't even in the room. Save the `I hate you' B.S. for her. I'm tired of it,” Jet returned his attention to his creation, “Besides, anyone with half a brain knows you're just flirting like, like a kid Ed's age.”

“WHAT!?” another whiff of orange, “Absolutely NOT!”

Jet snorted and shook his head with a snigger, “Bugs in her bedroom? Come on Spike. I was pullin' that shit when I was five.”

“Whatever,” when in doubt resort to nonchalance, “When's dinner goin' to be ready?” then change the subject.

“Uhh… not sure, I'm experimenting.” He smirked then peered at the creation in the oven, “10- 30 minutes. Oh and you need to find a new place to hide your porn, Ed's found it.” Spike turned to hide the amused grin. With a half-assed wave he left the room, a trail of grey smoke marking his direction.

 

Jet was beaming, he had found a recipe that allowed him to use a good share of the eggs he'd purchased (on sale) and empty the fridge of any unnecessary (in other words, near rotten) produce.

“What the hell is it?” Spike absently poked the eggy substance.

“It wiggles, and jiggles like the monster Ed ate!” came the pleased chatter beside the dish. Ed had begun nudging the edge of it in order to encourage the substance to bounce and roll.

“You guys are so ungrateful,” huffed Jet, “I slave and try to make the best outta what we got and you make it sound like I'm trying to poison you.”

“Aren't you?” Spike made a face as Jet passed him a serving.

“What's in the middle? It looks like snot?”

“You have firsthand experience with snot in food?” Spike carefully began sorting out everything unidentifiable. Hmm… piece of pepper: stay. Piece of grey: throw away…

Faye pulled a face, “I live with you don't I?”

“That doesn't even make sense.”

She glared, “You were a slobbering, oozing mess when we lugged you from the hospital.”

Jet nodded.

“Boogers are fun!” Ed squealed as she flipped a grey lump at Spike. Instinctually, he dodged it. “Ear boogers don't taste good though.”

“Ed that is not a dinner table subject and mind your manners,” Jet rolled his eyes, Like it matters with these guys, he glanced at the bodies around the table and scowled, freakin' monkey people.

“Spoilsport.”

“Faye, just eat your eggs!” She pulled a face, carefully removing a brownish lump.

“Mmm… Faye-Faye if you eat fast you can't even tell Papa Jet used all the brown, squishy stuff in the fridge!” Faye expertly dodged the particles escaping Ed's mouth.

“Gross Jet! We're not live in garbage disposals!”

“Could a fooled me, Faye.”

“Shut up, Spike, the one with the least discerning palate is…”

“You. I'm not the one who ate Ein's dog food.” Spike chuckled at the memory of finding the empty can, fork still inside.

Faye's eyes shot to the panting dog, “I…I…errr… I did that once when I was near starvation! I've got thumbs,” she wiggled them to prove her point, “So I can work the can opener. It's survival of the fittest, you know.” The dog woofed nearby, not amused. He'd had to go without dinner for three days!

“She's also the one who polished off all those rations,” Jet snickered.

“Yeah, too bad they'd spoiled. I forgot to thank you. You saved us a lot of toilet time!”

“Speak for yourself; I had to clean up after her when she didn't quite make it.” Jet feigned sick, remembering the half digested rations splattered across the floor with some form of alcoholic sauce.

“You…you guys,” Faye's cheeks had the slightest hint of pink, “You just don't see what a gift I am to this crew. I bring a little class, order, humor and good looks; I brighten this place just by being here.”

“Yeah, you're the comic relief.”

“I'm a diamond sparkling in a pile of coal!”

“Sure Faye,” half hearted shrug, “whatever you say.”

“Ah, aha! Spike-person is a poet! The question is: did he know it?” Ed resorted to singing continual rhymes, "Faye, say, ray, hey, today, ok..."

“Grrr! Eat your slop and SHUT UP!” Jet wasn't sure but he thought he saw Faye shift in her chair. Spike hastily emptied his plate and headed towards the hanger.

“Where ya goin'?”

“Don't worry Mom, I'm just running a quick errand, I'll be back by curfew.”

“Curfew?! Well don't shoot, hit, or break anything and if you blow something up I will not fix it and do not call if you end up in jail!!”

“Whatever…”

 

On his way out, Spike pulled Faye's reserve pack of cigarettes from the RedTail. Perfect, already opened. Now he needed privacy and a drink.