Cowboy Bebop Fan Fiction ❯ Got You ❯ Puprle Person Polka ( Chapter 19 )

I do not own the characters of Cowboy Bebop. They are the property of Sunrise, Bones, and Bandai Visual (2001). They make the money, not me. Nor can I take credit for most of my chapter headings- they are the product of their authors. Sigh.

And now….

A lesson in revenge.

 

Chapter 19: The Purple Person Polka

 

Jet glanced from his storing to look at the disheveled mess that was Ed. He wrinkled his nose. “I thought I told you to help Faye?”

“Ed tried, but Faye-Faye said Ed was too much help. So, Ed was fired.” She eyeballed the bread as he tucked it away.

“Go shower and I'll make you a snack.” With a toothy grin, she disappeared. Jet knew she had taken him seriously when he heard the water start. Ein must have also taken his promise of a snack to heart, he sat at Jet's feet awaiting an offering. Tongue flopped out the side of his mouth, large brown eyes and a soft whine later and he was rewarded with a milk bone. Pleased, the pooch turned to enjoy his snack in peace and quiet, which meant right below Spike's napping head. Jet noticed as the corgi rounded the corner his hind leg was missing a large amount of fur near the tail. Deciding to question Faye about it later, he began preparing a sandwich for the crew's bottomless pit.

 

Spike nearly cackled with glee when the tell-tale hiss slipped down the hall. He felt like a comic book villain and stifled his urge to rub his hands together in an evil gloat. Establishing a more supine position he stretched out and awaited the upcoming show with bated breath. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Spike rolled attempting to stifle the annoying noise. He sandwiched his head between his arms but the noise continued and was accompanied by the distinct odor of dog. Uncomfortable and ruing the day Jet ignored his warning about pets, Spike stood and slunk off to his room. It had a lock and therefore provided the semblance of privacy, unless Faye wanted in. Noting the water had shut off, his pace increased. One door closing as another, further down the hall, opened.

 

Without Ed, cleaning was relatively easy. The Bebop hadn't left port so Faye simply opened the hangar doors and hosed the mess out and over the side of the ship. The broom worked as a squeegee for the largest puddles and with a satisfied `hmph' she brushed off her hands and directed herself towards her bedroom. She had to drop off some dirty, dog hair and grab her things for a shower. She was relieved to see a sopping wet Ed happily snacking on what resembled a PB'n'J before swinging into the welcoming bliss of the Bebop bath. At the door a gruff voice stopped her, “Faye.” She turned, most of her body already through. “Hmm?”

“Why'd you cut a chunk out of Ein's coat?”

Crap! She'd forgotten to cut where it wasn't obvious, going for level of gross instead. Thinking fast she mumbled, “Had a bur knotted in his fur. I couldn't pull it off. He'd yelp and nip, so I just cut the thing out.” She let out a sigh of relief when Jet appeared to buy her story.

“What'd you use to cut it with?”

She squirmed, Jet did not like his tools used for alternative jobs, “Eh…yourwirecutters.” She said it so quickly it took the ex-cop a moment to process and by the time he had the door was already closed and locked. He thumped on it anyway out of principle. “Dammit, Faye, that's not what they're for! I've got dog clippers in the junk drawer!” Grumbling again about inconsiderate monkey people he fussed his way to the hangar, determined to clean and hide his gear. Her shears of choice were easily spotted and it nearly made him cry. “My diagonal cutters!” His hand trembled as he tenderly began wiping the fuzz off the snips. Frowning, he glanced around the hangar trying to find the supposed cause of his tool's defilement. Not seeing any wayward clumps and mildly surprised at how well the space was cleaned, he began storing his tools.

 

Freshly showered and ready to begin `Operation Choke Out' Faye slunk into her room and retrieved the second pack of Spike's smokes she'd bought over a week ago. Grabbing her pack filled with Ein's clippings, she made herself comfortable on her bed. With the ease of a well practiced smoker she opened the pack and dumped its contents. Setting two aside, she lit a third- she did buy the pack- and began to work. She sorted out the coarsest, longest hairs, than stuffed each into the cigarettes. Pleased with the results she collected the pack, placing her two safeties at the edge and headed towards the main room, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

 

Spike heard Faye enter her room and rummage around. Deciding now was the best time to complete the second part of his plan, he collected his supplies and headed towards the bath. After showering, he repeated his previous performance and added his second surprise. Flopping a towel over his shoulder, he made his way to the main room. There, he found Faye on the couch happily reading one of her newly purchased textbooks. He studied her momentarily, noting how she would absently nibble a finger, before shoving her over and taking his preferred position. She snorted, but kept her acerbic commentary to herself. Hmm…Did she wash it off? She scratched her neck, Nope.

Faye couldn't keep still and instead of crowing and dancing around singing `I'm gonna get you!' she resorted to scratching nervously. Finished with the chapter, she pulled out the pack of rigged smokes and retrieved a safety. Repressing the urge to giggle she lit up, with the silver lighter she snagged off his dresser. She clicked it closed and grinned, He really should keep track of this. She took a puff, noting she had Spike's full attention.

“Where the hell'd you get those?”

She shrugged, “The store,” flipped the lighter into the air. Catching it she leveled a look of innocence.

“Don't give me that look,” he made a snatch for the lighter. Faye tipped her torso away and stretched the ill gotten gains just out of his reach. “That is my lighter and those are my brand of smokes,” he gestured to each and scowled, “When'd you swiped `em?” Faye sputtered, righteously indignant, with a very good reason- she hadn't stolen them. She flicked the lighter in frustration and blew a stream of smoke his direction. Spike hunkered low in the couch, appearing to the unwary that he had lost interest in the battle. Faye; having played this game before; noted his studious expression, his feet firmly planted on the floor and the slight stiffening of his body. She slid further up the couch and away from the smoldering man. Unfortunately, her movement was the `go' signal. His arm suddenly snapped out; exposing the healing bite mark; and caught one of her kicking feet, in a continuous yank she was forced closer, and with little effort the objects, he was certain she'd nicked off his dresser, were retrieved. Standing, he took a step away before Faye could fully process.

“Hey! Give those back!” She took a swipe, he dodged and pulled out a smoke. “Spike!” She stomped her foot and lunged. Apparently on autopilot, he side stepped her advance and disappeared. Faye screeched at his retreating back, “SPIKE! Those are mine. MINE! I bought them with my own money.” He turned the corner, “OI! Give. Those. Back!” A chuckle returned. Faye sat down, pleased with her performance.

“Why didn't Faye try harder?” Ed asked a piece of paper stuck to her arm.

“Didn't want to keep `em.” Faye winked, yanked the paper off, “They're special, just for him.” Ed's eyes widened in understanding. She scratched and stood, various crumbs and floor debris clinging to her legs. Instantly, she began flailing, trying to shake the offending attachments off, while Ein licked her shins. “What the heck?” Faye licked her finger and ran it down Ed's cheek. “Ed go shower, you're sticky!”

“But Ed already showered. Papa Jet said, `No shower. No snack.' and Ed was hung-gry.” Faye scowled, sensing a backfired prank, “Well shower again. You've got to or you're going to stick to everything and attract ants.”

Ed seemed not to believe her. “Lick your finger and tell me what flavor you get.”

Nervously Ed stuck her hand in her mouth, “Ib tasssddes luck canty.”

Holy shit! How freakin' big is her mouth!? Regaining composure and losing patience Faye sighed, “Spike rigged the shower head.” She grimaced when Ein started on the other leg, “EWW! Go shower before Ein gets sick.” Or I do! Ed just stared. Melting boneless onto the floor she resumed her searching.

“Papa Jet told Ed to find new bounty heads and there are no ants on the Bebop, Ed would know.”

She groaned, “Ed. Go shower.” Faye gave up when the typing continued. It was obvious she was being ignored.

 

Spike found Jet compulsively polishing his tools. He dropped the filter of his victory smoke and pressed it under his boot. “You're goin' to wipe off the shine if you aren't careful.” A wrench fell when Jet jumped, turning to meet Spike's half a grin.

“Shut up.” He noticed the pack of cigarettes held loosely in his partner's wrapped hand, “Where'd you get those?”

Spike shrugged pulling out another, “Faye had `em.” He placed it between his lips and felt for the lighter. “Probably stole `em along with this lighter.”

Jet grunted.

“Woman takes anything that isn't nailed down. Damn klepto.”

Jet shifted, suddenly Faye's desire to bond with Ed and Ein, and the mystery bur made sense. “Hey, uhh Spike…” He recalled the filthy hair stuck to the clippers, “Spike. I wouldn't…” Spike pulled the lighter from his pocket, flicking it open and lighting it in one seamless move. The flame neared the end of the smoke, “Don't…” Ignition. Inhale. Jet mentally groaned, took a step back, his stomach flopping in sympathy for the hell his younger partner was about to live through. Spike puffed, once, twice. Jet relaxed and shrugged, Guess she was telling the truth. Returning his attention to his tools he forgot all about his suspicions.

“Unghh!” Jet pivoted in time to see Spike's color change not thinking he took another drag, “Hunnga! What the…” he removed the cigarette from his face but the smoke still drifted towards him. A third whiff was too much and Jet watched as Spike grabbed a nearby bucket and relieved himself of dinner. After another bout of regurgitation, Jet was certain Spike had removed lunch and breakfast too. He crinkled his nose when the offensive smoke wafted his way, Yup. Burning hair.

“I'd trash those smokes Spike.” Jet guffawed at the younger man's discolored complexion, a thin sheen of sweat covering his brow. He shook his head when Spike tried to remove the previous day's meals as well. “Face it, Faye got ya. Alone.” The response, a pathetic attempt at a scathing glare, followed by dry heaves. “I'm not cleaning up after you,” Jet turned to leave, “AND don't you dare leave that here.” He took the silence as assent and decided, for his sanity, he would send someone after a bounty before the impending show down with Lihas or between Spike and Faye. They're going to kill each other.

 

Jet gaped at the sight before him. In fact, he strongly considered hiding out in his bonsais. Ed was sprawled out on the floor, the perfect representation of a human lint roller. Various bits and pieces of refuse clinging to her, while Ein licked her feet. Faye was aghast on the couch, her book hanging limply in one hand. “What the hell's going on, Faye?” She didn't respond, watching as the corgi began on the hacker's hair. “Faye? Faye. Faye!” She turned, eyes wide. Jet waited for her to blink then spoke slowly- she appeared to have brain damage, “What's going on?”

Her head swiveled back to study Ed and Ein's antics, “I think she showered in sugar water and won't wash it off.”

“What? She'll attract ants.”

Ed snickered, “There are no ants on the Bebop. Ed would know!”

Faye frowned, “She got a prank meant for me. Spike must have rigged the shower.”

“Like you rigged his smokes?” Faye hunched, attempting to look smaller before giving up and turning with a suppressed smug expression.

“Oh. He found my surprise, did he?” Jet contorted his face to express sympathy, impatience, mild humor, but mostly aggravation. Choosing the latter, he leveled a glare on the twitching teen. “ED!” she rolled, blinking innocently, “Go shower that crap off…” she had yet to move, “NOW!!” Needing no further prodding she disappeared. He decided Faye would be impervious to threats, experience having proven so numerous times. He chuckled, “I wonder if Spike's still throwing up.”

“Those hairs were filthy,” she tittered, “I let Ein roll in everything nearby. Did Spike like the cow dung?” Faye's giggles grew, “You think he liked O'de Corgi ass?!”

Jet pulled a face, “What made you think of trying something like that? It's ingeniously vicious.”

She flashed a toothy grin, “Ever smell burnt hair?” Jet nodded, Faye shrugged. “Well, there you go.” She touched her chin in thought, “I'd hate to think what it would be like to actually inhale it.” Her grin morphed into something nightmarish, “I bet it's all he tastes for a week.”

“You know he'll retaliate.”

“Damn right I will.” They spun towards the doorway, Spike hanging limply to the frame. His color still hadn't returned to a healthy pallor. He clung to the rail as he eased down the stair, shaking. Somewhere from the hangar to the lounge he'd collected a bottle of vodka, already collecting condensation.

Faye looked unfazed and cooed, “Wasn't it you who said turn about's a bitch?” Spike scowled. “I don't know what you're so mad about, Spike. It was just some harmless fun.”

“Harmless? Harmless!”

“Ahh… It's ok Spike. No need to get so angry.” Her grin rivaled the Cheshire Cat's, “It was just a little gag.” She pulled a sick face, pretending to vomit. Spike gave a low threatening snarl as he advanced.

Jet shook his head, “Just keep the fall out away from innocent bystanders.” He turned to leave, “And no more using Ed to help! I don't need that kid getting any strange ideas.” He paused, noting the water drops in Spike's wake, “And vodka is not a good remedy for nausea.”

Faye snickered manically, “Ahh… did lil' Spiky get a tummy ache?”

He leveled a sickened glare. Jet, giving up on the two, began crossing the threshold when he crashed into a sopping wet Ed. She looked up at him eyes wide and highly distressed. “Ed what's…” he backed into the light dragging the girl with.

“Holy hell, Ed, what did you eat?!” Faye launched instantly forgetting her brewing argument. She turned the towel clad girl around. “Wha…what happened?” Ed shrugged, eyes wide studying her purplish skin in the light. Faye was gently touching the now brownish mess that once was Ed's hair. Spike took a slug from the bottle, grimacing. Faye was right, all he could taste was burnt hair. He peeked around the two hovering adults, Oops. He distanced himself when he sensed Faye stiffen.

“Why is Ed colored funny?” The teen's eyes appearing washed out with her new complexion. She glanced at Jet, “Papa-Jet didn't give Ed bad grape jelly, did he?”

Jet shook his head vehemently, “No. It was strawberry.”

Faye suddenly snorted, “She looks like Violet Beauregard!”

“Who?!” Spike had never met a purple human and decided age was catching up with Faye. She was definitely insane. He took another swallow in mourning or celebration- he didn't care.

She grinned, “She was a girl from a children's book I read.”

Spike snorted as he eased himself on the couch, his stomach protesting slightly, “You read?”

“Fuck you.”

Another snort, “Your vocabulary says otherwise.” Jet snickered. Spike propped a foot on one of the books Faye bought, “These have lots of pretty pictures for you to look at?”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Faye watched as Spike took a rather long pull from the chilled bottle. Changing the subject, “In the story the girl eats something and it reacts funny, turning her into a giant blueberry.”

Ed gasped, “What happened to her?!”

“Oh. The oompa loompas juice her.”

Another panicked gasp, “Will…will… willEdbejuiced?!”

Faye realizing her mistake attempted to make amends, “No. That was just a story. You turned blue because of dye in the water, not because you ate something. No juicing needed.” She took an appraising glance at the poor kid, “A bath might help. Come on. I think I can… eh… lighten your tone.”

“Ed doesn't want another shower!!” She squealed as Faye herded her down the hall.

“It's not a shower!”

“No more!”

“I'll put bubbles in the water.”

“No… bubbles?” A door clicked.

“Poor kid,” Jet turned his attention back on the ailing Spike, “Why'd you pick purple? I would think that if you were trying to dye Faye you'd use orange or green.” Spike shrugged- he still wanted to argue with Faye, not discuss his choice with Jet. His jaw dropped, “You went easy on her didn't you?!”

“Nah. First box I snatched.” He snorted, “Like I paid attention to the colors.”

Jet wasn't convinced but let the matter drop, “What is it?”

“Food coloring pellets.” Understanding, Jet left to see if Faye needed help. At the closed door he heard excited giggling and the splash of water.

“Ohh! Faye-Faye this smells nice!”

“Ed don't use so much! ED!” Deciding Faye had it covered, Jet left to finish his chores. There was some research he had to complete. Before Ed was dyed she'd pulled up a few local bounties and he wanted to make sure neither of his unruly partners had a chance to up the ante. He sighed, realizing that it would never happen, They'll blow the ship up before either admits defeat.

 

Ed was happily floating in the bathtub, some of Faye's special face goop soaking in. Faye perched on the toilet appeared to be playing chemist with a variety of bottles. She quit her happy splashing to watch Faye work. “What is Faye-Faye doing with the shampoo?” Faye arched her brow and continued mixing bottle contents. Ed leaned further from the tub. “Faye what is that white stuff it stinks?”

Faye glanced at her, “Hair remover. Make sure you don't use this shampoo or you'll end up bald instead of purple. Use mine instead.”

Ed nodded, “Ed likes Faye's shampoo it smells yummy.”

She giggled, “That's one of the perks of being a girl. Make sure you tell Jet not to use these.” Ed nodded, Faye grinned, “This'll teach Spike not to mess with our baths.”

Ed's smile grew, “Ed promises she will tell Papa Jet not to use the shampoo and conditioner.”

“Good girl.” Faye patted Ed's head before returning the supplies to their respective locations. “Don't forget.” She chided before clicking the door closed.