Cowboy Bebop Fan Fiction ❯ Stew ❯ In the End ( Chapter 16 )

Disclaimer: I do not own "In the End" by Linkin Park. I don't own CB. No sue.



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So. You finally told her. You finally got the guts. And where has it gotten you? Nowhere. She's still with that...

Spike grunted in disgust and put out his cigarette, then got up from his bed and looked out of the tiny window in his bedroom at the couple outside.

Jordan was sitting on a patch of slightly blue grass and Faye was seated in his lap. Their hands were entwined and both looked content as they watched the sunset.

Bloodshot amber eyes watched as the blonde man made some lame attempt at humor and the woman he loved forced a giggle. But when Jordan turned away, he saw Faye's face darken. Any shreds of hope that Spike had retained burst into life again, but he dared not speak to her anyway.

Four days had passed since they had last talked to each other. Everything was pretty much normal on the Bebop other than the addition of their new crewmember. However, the tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Mealtimes were especially uncomfortable - if they ate at the table, Jordan would take Spike's old seat and Spike would instead pull up a chair next to Jet.

The older man with the robotic arm hadn't been too stressed recently - neither Faye not Spike had ventured out in their zipcrafts lately, so he didn't need to repair them. Things seemed to be running smoothly with material things, and he was now focusing on his bonsai trees.

But the absence of stress also allowed him the clarity of mind to see Spike's condition. He barely ate anything, he spent most of his time in his room out of fear of seeing Faye and Jordan together, and he barely spoke to anyone.

One day, after lunch, Jet took the opportunity to cautiously ask him if anything was wrong. Faye and Jordan had gone out together as soon as they ate and weren't getting back until late evening.

"Hey Spike...are you okay? You've been looking down lately."

"I'm fine."

Jet gave Spike an un-believing glance and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay...let me rephrase that....I'm not going to die. That'd be more accurate."

He took out the fifth cigarette he had chain-smoked in the last half hour and lit it.

"Why do you care?"

"Look, Spike, this isn't healthy. You need to recover, you need to eat something! You didn't even eat a whole spoonful of food today. I take it you haven't been sleeping much, either."

Spike merely leaned back carelessly and took a long drag.

"You know," Jet started in a hushed voice, "it isn't the end of the world. After we catch the next bounty head, how about we go out, just you and me? To the bars, like we used to before we got Ed and Ein and Faye. Maybe you'll meet some -"

"No thanks." Spike said, coldly. He got up and started to walk away.

{Just a shadow of a man. That's all he is now.}

"Oh, come on. All I'm trying to do is help you."

Spike turned around slowly.

"Maybe...I don't want to be helped."

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The fake smiles and empty laughter started to get aggravating. He gritted his teeth to keep control, but he could feel it slipping from his grasp. He was saying things to push her, things about their future and his family's expectations. Something. Anything to get her to be honest with him.

After seeing the movie, he realized that she would never tell him the truth unless he confronted her directly. He watched her as she looked into store windows and saw it in her eyes for a brief moment. It was worse than not loving him, it was worse than rejection. It was disappointment, it was a longing for somebody else.

She was wishing he was Spike.

He grabbed her shoulders and looked her square in the eyes.

"Jordan! What are you -"

"Faye. Listen to me. I know...I know. You...still love him, and I have accepted that from the beginning. I could feel it all along, but I had myself convinced that having you would be enough. It's not."

She was quivering now, shaking her head from side to side and watching her tears fall to the sidewalk. She was in a state of disbelief, almost shock.

"Faye...please, look at me."

He lifted her head with a finger under her chin and softly kissed her cheek.

"I love you....remember that. I want you to be happy, and believe it or not, it's not gratifying to me to know that you're yearning that I'm him."

What have I done? He probably feels used. But...I don't *think* I used him...it doesn't feel that way to me, but I guess I did. I just wanted to be wanted, even if I couldn't return it.

Her lower face now streaked with tears, Faye struggled to breathe and parted her lips.

"I'm...so sorry."

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Spike slept fitfully for two hours, then gave up and walked slowly to the kitchen.

I can't believe I can't even sleep.

He made a cup of coffee and wandered back to his room, trying to remember the last conversation he had held with Faye. Now that he knew for sure that he had no chance, he was reaching out for any last memory of good times with her.

Plan A - sulk in my misery for a while. It's good for me, it cleanses the mind and body. Plan B - get over her by getting angry. Again, good for me...I don't get either of those emotions very often. Might as well use them to my advantage.

Finishing his coffee, he set the mug down on his desk, changed into his training pants and a plain white t-shirt, and headed over to where he usually practiced his martial arts. Concentrating harder than he ever had before, he channeled his emotions into energy and rage. Going through the motions, he became almost hypnotized with anger, and delivered each blow swiftly and powerfully.



@]---,---'---,---
It starts with one
One thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind....
@]---,---'---,---



The glow from the small, weak light bulb provided him with the perfect lighting. Steaming drops of sweat cascaded down his wiry, muscular body and ran into his eyes. He didn't care. He didn't feel a thing. Electricity surged through his veins and he was determined to use it.

He struggled to make himself a burning flame, a raging storm.

She never loved me. She used me. She seduced me, then left. She never understood. Never even made an *effort* to listen to me. She'll never be mine.



@]---,---'---,---
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
I wasted it all
Just to watch you go...
@]---,---'---,---



It was burning too hot, whirling inside him too fast. He wanted to slow down, but his body kept going. In fear of what might happen, he climbed out of a low window and ran up a hill, continuing his training against the early sunset. His muscles screamed in exhaustion. Every nerve twisted in agony, but still, he persisted. Every pore of his body secreted sweat, and before long, it felt like he was crying blood.



@]---,---'---,---
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a
memory of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter...
@]---,---'---,---



Within 45 minutes, it was over with. Done. It took over his body, it enslaved his mind, and worked him to unconsciousness. The last thing he saw was the burning sunset over the horizon.

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There's nothing holding me back now. I don't have any pride left, no will, no tolerance for being lonely anymore. I can finally...

She wandered her way through the dark halls of the Bebop, hoping with all her might that he would forgive and believe her. Her breath got shallower as she approached Spike's room. Closing her eyes tightly, she turned the knob.

No one. Nothing out of place. She walked over to his bed and examined the sweat-soaked, rumpled sheets. He was gone. Not a sign of him, other than a tray full of cigarette butts and an empty coffee mug on his desk. Her brow furrowing in confusion, she explored every room of the Bebop, only finding her crew mates up to their usual tasks.

She sighed and wandered around the ship aimlessly until, by chance, she glanced out the window and saw his silhouette framed against a firey red sky. He was beautiful, fueled by anger, almost to the point of madness. She watched his strong muscles flex as he punched and kicked the air with frightening force.

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".....I went....because....because I was afraid. Of....you know....again."

She saw his tormented face, his pained eyes, again and again.

"Alright, you know what?! I....I opened up to you, just like you opened up to me. And I - couldn't take the same risks you took. I just *couldn't.* I was afraid of another 'Julia' scenario, as crazy as it seems. You're not in the Red Dragons, and that's behind me, but something inside just went crazy every time I thought of you that way. It was giving me a feeling that maybe....that *probably,* things wouldn't work out. And maybe you'd get hurt. I don't know!"

She closed her eyes. No...not again...not again! I know what I did! I know...

"It sounds really stupid, I know. But I couldn't shake it away. I couldn't get rid of the fear that I'd get another piece of my soul ripped away. And why I came back? Isn't it obvious?! If you need me to tell you *that,* you have something seriously wrong with you. If you couldn't see it in my eyes, couldn't hear it in my voice, couldn't feel it in the air I breathed....well, here it is."

Oh God, no. Oh my God...

"I....really care....I mean, I l-l-lii....I think you know. But here, I have to say it. I think...."

...No!! No, please!!!

She shut her eyes tightly, trying to come back to reality.

"I think I love you."

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It went black, and she could hear herself screaming. Her vision returned just in time to see Spike fall.

Her eyes widened and she placed her hand on the window.

"Spike!!! No!"

She ran outside, wiping away her tears maddeningly, trying to see where she was going in what was left of the sunlight.

You're so STUPID, Spike. I hate this. Why do you do this to me?!? Why do you do this to yourself? You've always tried to annoy me on purpose...I can't believe that something GOOD actually happened between us.



@]---,---'---,---
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know....
@]---,---'---,---



As she neared his figure, she slowed, her tears renewing themselves.

I lied to you. I lied....too many times. I should have been honest from the start, I should have forgiven you when you came back. I should've listened to my instincts rather than try to save face. I told you I loved him more. Out of all the lies I've ever told, I think that's the one that was the hardest to speak. And I know why now. I know why.

She kneeled down next to him and cupped his cheek in her hand.

"Now I know I love you."

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A/N: Thanks for all the compliments and constructive criticism, they're all taken very heavily. I hope you people are enjoying the story still, I know it's gotten a little less exciting and more angsty. o.O I never meant it to, but oh well. I think the next chapter or the chapter after that will be the last one of this story, and then I will start the sequel. ^_^ As much as I hate to say it, with more fics of one genre, the quality tends to go down a little since a lot of people write to gratify their own little fantasies (which I do too, but sometimes people tend to rush it because they want to get to the end). The thing that drives ME insane, though, is when people don't bother to correct syntax/spelling/etc. errors. That totally kills it for me, even though it's not the most important thing in the story. It just distracts me from the story line, so when I read a fic and within the first three sentences there are some really bad and/or numerous errors, I have to click 'Back.' Anyone else have this problem? -_- Please review!