Crossover Fan Fiction / Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Chaos was Here ❯ Part 4 ( Chapter 4 )

WTF (a.k.a. The Chaos was Here...)

an INSANE Humor/Parody fic by TheFellow3J

 

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

 

Warning: This fic features all kinds of shit not meant for little punk ass children, like cursing, OOC-ness, cursing, Lesbos, cursing, a slut auction, and Chucky, among MANY other things. If you've EVER seen “Tails Gets Twisted...” well, know that this piece of shit ain't nothing like it...

 

Starring Kirby, Conker the Squirrel and Link

 

So I made up for last chapter. What do you expect? It's a game of Duel Monsters. It's going to be LONG. Grab a snack for this one.

 

Part 4

 

Gaia. What, you thought Battle City was next!? Tournament's not even there anymore STUPID! Conker: “Oh well, shit happens.” Right. Now... the group saw him. Tails: “ROUGE!” Rouge: [What the hell is fox boy doing... mmmm... stupid author always playing with my heart...] “Oh... come here you gorgeous little lump of cute!” Conker, Kirby, Link: “WTH!?” Kirby: “I don't think any girl is normally capable of such shitty lines.” Conker: “Tails... doesn't seem to care.” Link: “This was most anticipated.” Cosmia: “The circle is now complete among the three pairs.” Really? Wait... card game...

 

Note: The following game of Duel Monsters WILL be fucked up. Trust the text... Kirby: “Oh no...” Damn, opponent... hmmm... Tsunami. Kirby: “...wwwWHAT!?” No. Kirby: “Oh. PHWEW...” Washu. Kirby: “oh FUCK...” You're screwed now... anyway, Tenchi's house appeared right in front of the group and Washu stepped out. Conker: “Right. Hey! That tuner thing's screwed up again!?” Washu: “Nope. Saw the text.” Kirby: “FROM ANOTHER... fuck it. Let's go.” They get to the front door. Washu won't let anyone in. Link: “What is the purpose of this ma'am?” Washu: “Something about Kirby.” Washu kisses Kirby. Then Sasami comes out of nowhere and kisses Kirby. Then they all go down to Washu's IDPF: Integrated Dimensional Playing Field. No, it's not good. Not for whatever places seem to be on any new field magic cards...

Kirby gathers his deck of 200 cards in his head, and it appears on the blue side. Washu: “Ok, now, you know that some rules are a little different here, right?” Kirby: “Yeah, I know. Let's do this. You're going down. Conker: “Uh, we'll just be over here...” The rest take a seat. Less than a second later it's Kirby's turn.

 

>Up to two normal summons and a maximum of three special summons can be made on any turn.

>The whole star-level thing applies. 4 or less = no sacrifice, 5-6 = 1, 7-8 =2, 9-12 = 3, 13-20 = 4, 20-30 = 5, 30-50 = 6. Yeah, that's right, six. OH yeah...

>There are ten magic/trap spaces and ten monster card spaces.

>They start with 50000 LP and six cards in hand.

>The randomly selected field is Kilika Port, Spira. (+100 ATK WATER)

>If a player has no cards in hand at their draw phase, they draw three cards instead of one.

 

This could take a while...

 

Kilika Port. Things look normal. Then six cards appear, all face down. Everyone stares in awe.

 

Washu sets a card down. Kirby flips over four trap cards. They all say “Solemn Wishes.” Washu: “Shit... lucky...” Kirby: “I know...” Washu summons Cyber-Stein. After she loses 5000 LP (45000), Gallantmon comes to the field (ATK 7000, DEF 5000, Lv 10, Dark, Warrior). Kirby: “Shit... HIM!?” Washu: “Had to do it! Alright! Use Lightning Joust on that sole monster card!” The Two-Headed King Rex was obliterated. So was a good chunk of one of Kilika's docks. Shit happens...

Back to Kirby. He draws and gets 2000 LP (52000). Harpie's Brother comes out and knocks Cyber-Stein out. (Washu: 43900) Washu draws and clips Harpie's Brother's wings with Gallantmon. It goes crashing into wood, drowning in the water and dissolving to nothing. (Kirby: 46800) Kirby: “CRAP!” Kirby's turn. (48800) Kirby: “Oh HELL yes... say bye to Gallantmon! I summon STARFIRE!” The redhead clad in purple ascended the field. Starfire: “! HUH!? What is this... Where am I!?” [Starfire, ATK 1600, DEF 700, Lv 3, Light, Spellcaster, Effect: When summoned, one dark monster is automatically destroyed.] Damn. Link: “That is quite the cheap card...” Gallantmon busts into pieces. These razor sharp pieces pelt the main strip of the port, causing more mayhem. Kirby: “Hey Star!” Starfire: “What... Kirby! Oh wow... I'm your biggest fan!” Kirby: “Uh... right... hey, do me a favor and send some power flying at that girl over there?” Starfire: “Sure!” (Washu: 42300) Washu: “Fine!”

 

Washu draws. Washu: “Two can play the random monsters game!” Washu puts a `Homing Missile Launcher' on the field (ATK 700, DEF 0, Lv 1, Earth, Machine, Effect: Attacks directly. Automatically destroyed after firing). Kirby: “Damn...” The missile zoomed “into” Kirby and exploded (48100). Nothing happened to Kilika. Washu: “And now I'll play Swords of Revealing Light!” Kirby: “Aw FUCK!” Washu: “I'm the greatest scientist EVER! Best Dueler too... well, maybe next to HIM...” Kirby's turn (50100). Kirby: “...Uh-oh... it's over now...” Kirby plays the field magic card `Dreamland.' Desc: “Players from this location receive +900 ATK for all LIGHT, Spellcaster and Fairy monsters. If a monster has both LIGHT and Spellcaster/Fairy traits, it gets +3000 ATK.” Cosmia: “Lady...” Conker: “Uh, no. LITTLE Washu.” Cosmia: “...correction accepted. Little Washu's chances will become slim after three turns pass for user Kirby.” Conker: “Someone's gettin' an ass kicking...” Washu picks a card up. This card is placed face down in the monster section. Washu: “Now to do away with those wishes of yours...” She activates the other face down card to reveal something called “Summon Advance.”

Conker: “Yep, that's original...” Link: “There are cards here that obviously do not exist anywhere else...” Washu: “With Summon Advance, I can summon a monster in the next highest tier than the highest tier on my side of the field! Have to get rid of one in my hand, but oh well...” (Note: Counts as a Normal Summon.) Kirby: “Uh, but no card's face up...” Washu: “Right! That's the first tier. So I can summon THIS guy!” A card went to the graveyard and Jinzo came to the field. Kirby: “...dammit...” Tails: “Uh, he's pretty screwed right now...” Rouge: [Not as screwed as you'll be later... what, HEY! Get outta my head!!!] Heh heh heh. Tails is lucky. What the hell was Sonic thinking anyway... Sonic (from elsewhere): “...some shit...” Cosmia: “Elsewhere is not defined here.” UH... elsewhere is what I typed in. That's where he is. ANYWAY...

Kirby's turn. He summons Dunames Dark Witch to the field (ATK = 1800 + 3000 for LIGHT and Fairy = 4800). Conker: “You won't see THAT at a tournament...” Link: “...they are holding back I see...” True... Washu could've done SO much more by now... Washu: “I'll remember that...” Washu's turn. She sets a Magic/Trap card on the field. She sacrifices the face down monster to summon Firewing Pegasus.

She ends her turn. Kirby: “One more...” Kirby draws and sets the drawn card on the field in the magic/trap area. His turn ends and the Swords of Revealing Light is destroyed. Washu draws and puts both her monsters in defense mode. Back to Kirby. He pulls a card. Kirby: “Enough of this... Starfire, attack her Jinzo!” Gone was the Jinzo. Dunames Dark Witch attacks the Firewing Pegasus, clearing Washu of monsters on the field.

 

Washu's turn. She draws and plays Graceful Charity. She discards the Dark Sage and the Blue Eyes White Dragon. Link: “Not a total loss...” Washu: “I'll put this monster face down and end my turn. Stinkin' luck...” Kirby draws (52100). Starfire blasts the Gemini Elf away, then Dunames Dark Witch chipped off 4800 of Washu's LPs. (Washu: 37500) Washu curses then pulls. Washu: “GOOD!” De-spell. Good-bye Dreamland... Kirby: “Aw dammit! Stupid De-spell...” Washu: “Ha! That'll do it for now...” Kirby draws (54100). Kirby: “Alright... time for another strategy! I'll sacrifice Dunames Dark Witch and Starfire. Bye Starfire!” Star: “Goodbye my friend!” She disappeared, along with the witch. Then a card went into the monster area face down. Kirby: “I wouldn't screw with that if I were you...” Washu's turn. After pulling, she plays `Reload.' ((CONT) Allows 'Homing Missile Launcher' to be special summoned to the field from the graveyard for 500 LP in face-up attack position. Max use is once per turn.) And so Kirby loses 700 LP. (Washu: 37000) (Kirby: 53400) Washu puts a card face down in the M/T area and ends her turn.

Kirby draws (55400) and places a card face down in the M/T area. Kirby: “That's it.” Conker: “What? He's not gonna flip that card over?” Kirby: “Patience...” Washu draws. She places a monster face down and ends her turn. Kirby draws (57400) and summons King Dedede to the field (ATK 1200, DEF 4000, Lv 6, Dark, Flying). Link: “Hmm...” Conker: “Yep... fried duck...bird tonight...” Dedede: “What the... KIRBY!? What in Dream Land am I doing here!?” Kirby: “Aw shut up and go beat up that card over there!” Dedede: “I don't take orders from you! I'm the King!” King Dedede found his body not heeding his mind. Dedede: “HEY! What... I can't control myself! ...fuck it! Whatever's under there's about to get plastered!” His mallet slams into the Magician of Faith. Kirby: “WHAT! AW! That's fucked up... I HATE the Magician of Faith!” He is not alone... Conker: “Yeah, bitch doesn't even look like she could give good head...” Rouge: “Ugh, do you always have to be so vulgar with your thoughts?” Conker: “YOU ain't one to talk about morality! She-who-fondles-the-fox-with-her-body. ALL of it, that is.” Tails grinned as he was sitting in the bat's lap, head being petted on her soft breasts, with his tails going places... they... shouldn't. Washu: “Good! Now I can get my Swords back!” She took the card out of her graveyard. Kirby: “Not again...” Dedede: “See, this wouldn't have happened if you just let me be!” Kirby: “Fuck off Dedede...”

Washu's go. She draws and plays the Swords. The face down card turned face up to reveal a cute little Mistress of the Cards. Wait, what did you just see..? Sakura: “...huh!? What is this?” Kirby: “Hey Sakura!” Tails: “Boy, he knows a lot of cute girls...” Rouge got jealous QUICK. So her hands started going where... they... should, according to Tails... he grins more. Link: “Out of sight...” He focuses on the game. Conker: “DAMN! Sakura, your ATK SUCKS! It's at ZERO! Hellified DEF though...” (ATK 0, DEF 10000, Lv 8, Light, Spell, Effect: FLIP: Roll a die. Summon the Star Card whose element corresponds here: 1-The Dark, 2-The Ground, 3-The Fiery, 4-The Watery, 5-The Windy, 6-The Light...) A die appeared and rolled. It landed on 5. Hmmm. Word count: 7,530. This was merely coincidence... Sakura: “WINDY!” The spirit of wind came to life on the field (5000, 0, Lv 6, (You should know the ATTRIBUTE...), Flying, Effect: ATK triples when attacking or being attacked by an EARTH monster. Can only be summoned when `Sakura Kinomoto' is on the field.) Washu: “Fine! I'll activate Anti-Magic Fragrance!” It makes Magic cards work like Trap cards, in case you didn't know. Set it, one turn later you can use it, if you want. Washu ends her turn.

 

Kirby pulls (59000). Kirby: “HMMM... Rouge, get ready to explain. Tails, get ready to be pissed... somewhat... Later Dedede!” Dedede: “LATER? What do you mean by that!?” Kirby threw Dedede's card in the Graveyard. Death came out of nowhere and grabbed Dedede. Dedede: “Hey, WAIT! Ain't nobody attack me! I CAN'T die!” Death picked the king up and chunked him far away... Dedede's shout could be heard through the lab. Conker: “Shit happens...” Kirby: “In Dedede's place, I'll summon THIS GUY!” Everyone looked on in anticipation as flashes of light went everywhere from the board. When they cleared... there was Sonic the Hedgehog... with Cream... (Author: Wait a second! Sonic was supposed to be alone! Stupid virus...) (Sonic the Hedgehog. ATK 2000, DEF 1000, Lv 5, Earth, Beast, Effect: Any machine monster with less than 4000 ATK points attacked by Sonic is automatically destroyed. Any Battle Damage done to either opponent is negated. (More...)) Link: “Now what could `more' mean?” Kirby: “Oh, you'll see... now what about Cream?”

Through some damn good self-alteration + the virus, Sonic and Cream got out of the precariously odd position they were in, before anyone noticed. Tails + Rouge: “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TWO ABOUT TO DO!?” Shit... guess they have quick eyes. Washu: “Come on! I can pull back from this low score and still kick you hiney!” Conker: “Not again...” All others: “What!?” Conker: “The author fiddled with something else on the computer and listened to PARANOiA songs. Where's the match again? He needs a reminder.” He better be lucky he's somewhere on the top of my lists... like fourth best... Sonic: “UHhhh... hey, guys...” Cream: “Oh my... hi, Tails... Rouge...” Washu: “Hey, she's on the field too! She's gotta have some stats!” Surely... (Cream the Rabbit. ATK 500, DEF 200, Lv 2, Earth, Beast...

Sonic: “WHAT!? BEAST! WHY YOU...” Kirby: “Yeah, something's screwed up about that...” What? What do you want me to do? Call her a Zombie!? Don't you DARE ask me to make her a fairy either! Conker: “... just what can you do?” Wait. Magic card. Duh. She's a magic card. Wait... Damn virus, always screwing up text! OK, uh, here's an effect: Flip a coin. If heads, destroy one card on the opposite side of the field and remove it from play. All other effects are negated. This effect can be used once per turn, during the main phase.) And she can't be anything except a beast. Ain't my fault... Kirby: “Hmmm... apparently, you're protecting her Sonic, since she can't be attacked while you're on the field.” Cream: “My hero...” Cream kissed Sonic. Sonic gained 200 ATK points. Washu: “BULLSHIT! How the hell..!” Kirby: “Just like those Egyptian cards... hidden abilities... oh yeah... now on with the duel!” Kirby ends his turn.

 

Washu draws. “Dammit, I can't do anything! I'll pass.” Conker: “That's fucked up.” Kirby's turn (61400). Kirby: “I'll pass.” Washu gets a card. Washu: “YES! Now it's time...” Washu plays Heavy Storm. Kirby: “HA! Thanks a lot Washu!” Kirby flips over a trap card called Fake Trap. Conker: “Oh that's gay...” Washu: “FUCK! He pulled that on the FIRST TURN!?” Kirby: “The POWER of the Sliver Moon Crystal... boosts luck too! Heh.” The five cards on Washu's side were destroyed. The field became a grassy plain... in the middle of Station Square. (Machine Monsters get +300 ATK. Plant monsters lose 2000 ATK and ALL DEF.) Link: “Outrageous!” Conker: “No plant can survive in the city.” Tails: “Even in the GRASSY PLAIN!?” Washu: “I can't do anything else...” Kirby: “Good!” He pulls (63400). Kirby: “One more...” Washu's turn. The Swords are destroyed AGAIN. Washu: “One monster face down and that's it for me.”

Kirby's turn (65400). Kirby: “ALRIGHT! Everyone, attack!” Sideline: “DAMN!” Conker: “That's gotta hurt.” Tails: “This is a massacre...” Sonic destroys the Mechanical Chaser, and the girls cause 5500 worth of damage. (Washu: 31500) Washu: [How am I gonna pull out of this!?] She pulls. Washu: [That's how.] Another monster card face down. Washu: “Crap! Go...” Kirby: “Alright!” (67400). Kirby: “Sonic, attack that monster!” He did. Conker: “...he fucked up now...” Tails: “THE CYBER JAR!!!” Rouge: “Poor thing...” Kirby was damn pissed. Kirby: “You bitch...” Cosmia: “Ready for termination...” Conker: “Don't even try. We're talking about a goddess up there...” Cosmia stood down. Cream: “Sonic! That big machine scares me!” They cuddled. Sakura: “Dangit! Windy, let's get out of here before that thing sucks us in!” The spirit encased its mistress and they fled the area. The other two were unfortunately sucked in. Rouge and Tails laughed evilly...

Washu: “Now then... time to draw cards...” Washu pulls five cards. Four monsters are placed face down. Kirby: “SHIT! She would get monsters now!” Washu: “We're just gettin' started, dear!” She giggled. More random entities appeared to watch the match (Bubsy, Megaman, Vyse and the girls, and HIM...) Yami: “Hmmm... quite the match they are having...” Mega: “Kirby better kick some ass while I'm here!” Kirby drew cards and put one monster face down. Kirby: “There. Happy!?” Washu: “Yep!” Kirby: “Hmmm!” He places a card face down and activates Wave-Motion Cannon. Washu: “Aw hell... not this thing...” Kirby: “The more standby phases that pass, the more it'll hurt when I make it go away. 1000 every turn...” Tails: “Washu could be in trouble!” Mega: “That's taking it to her!” Bubsy: (Can a guy get a beer around here?) Kirby: “Finally, a monster face down!” Kirby had three more cards than he should. Kirby: “Shit...” He discarded The Fiery, The Sword and The Power.

Washu: “The tide turns now!” She pulls... Conker: “...” Yami: “...what!? I have read this text thus far, but this is not possible!” A THIRD time, Kirby was encased in Swords. Conker: “...fucked up.” Kirby: “WHAT!? NO CARD LIMIT!?” Washu: “You should've known! Conker did say that you wouldn't see that Dreamland card in a tournament...“ Kirby: “Dammit...” Kirby's two monster cards flipped over. Bubsy: (I need my RYN..? I mean Nerf Blaster...) Washu: “Aw SHIT! A Man-Eater Bug!” Kirby chose a card, and Red-Moon Baby was destroyed. Washu: “Dammit! Alright, then...” She flipped a card over. “Island Turtle, attack the Sonic Duck!” It was gone. Washu: “Go.” Conker: (Hey, did anyone notice an error with the Heavy Storm?) Tails: (I KNEW Kirby was fooling around! He still thought the Swords of Revealing Light were still on the field!) Uh... shit happens...

 

Kirby pulled a card (69400). Kirby: “Damn. Go.” Washu: “Nothing to do? Goody!” Washu pulled a card. She laughed to herself. Fina: “This is all very interesting!” Aika: “What's she laughing for anyway?” Conker: “Good question...” Washu: “So, you wanna pull out the Cardmistress? I'll show you a REAL magician!” Washu sacrificed the face down Kiseitai and Time Wizard to summon the summoner. The HIGH summoner, that is. Yami: “Hmph! What lady is this?” Conker: “So she just summoned Yuna. She's DEFINITELY got some effects...” Kirby: “Damn, this don't look too good...” (Yuna. ATK 500, DEF 5000, Lv 7, Light, Spellcaster, Effect: Place one Spell Counter on the card at the end of Main Phase 2. Remove one Spell Counter to Special Summon any monster in your hand with 8 level stars or less. When two Spell Counters have been placed, you can remove them to regain 5000 LP. If you remove three Spell Counters, you can Special summon the next available card in the deck with one of the following names: Ixion; Ifrit; Bahamut, King of Dragons; Shiva, Anima. Remove five Spell Counters to special summon 'The Magus Sisters.' Remove Spell Counters on your turn only. This card cannot be attacked if 'Tidus' is on the field.) Damn. Link: “It will be most interesting now...” Yami: “Kirby must wait two more turns before he can attack. Although... there is a certain wrongness to doing so...” Yuna: “What... where am I?” Bubsy: “Hey, didn't that other girl say that earlier?” SCREW IT... Washu: “Look here, you gotta help me take that pink thing over there and his friends out! OK?” Yuna: “What? But... that's wrong!” Washu: “As far as this battle goes, they're ALL... evil...” Yuna: “NO! Well then, I'll stop them!” Rouge: “Do they always have to convince the monster/person to fight for them?” Conker: “No. They're just fuckin' around.” Don't know what he's talking about... since they DO... ???: “Then explain Dedede!” Shit happens. ???: “Aw fuck...” Rouge: “Who is that guy anyway...”

 

Kirby's turn. (71400) Tails: “Hey, nothing's happening to Station Square!” Duh... Kirby: “I summon KNUCKLES THE ECHIDNA!” (ATK 3000, DEF 1200, Lv 4, Earth, Beast-Warrior, Effect: ...) ANYWAY... Mega: “What!? We don't get see the effect?” That's a secret. Knuckles: “HUH? Oh, I get it... someone's lookin' for a fight...” Kirby: “He knows...” His turn ends. Washu draws a card. Washu: “FINALLY! YES, yes yes...” Link: “She is most ecstatic.” Kirby: “What the hell?” Washu switched Yuna to defense mode. Washu: “Now witness a power unmatched by few, yet feared by many! I play Monster Reborn!” Mega: “So? Who's she bringing back from the dead?” Washu: “ARISE, KEFKA!” All: “WHAT!?” Kirby: “Uh oh, this is bad...”

Weird music began and the area turned dark red as a circle of light showed up on the floor. The evil Kefka laughed as he ascended from unknown depths to the field. Kefka: “HAHAHAHAHA!!! All hell's broken loose now bastards!” (ATK 6000, DEF 4000, Lv 38, Dark, Spellcaster) Kirby: “Shit! 6000, NOW?” Washu: “Wipe that red echidna out of the game!” Kefka: “For you, my pretty, I will comply. BE GONE!” He held his hand up and charged power, which flew at Knuckles with blazing speed. Tails: “Knuckles!!!” Rouge: “...” Knuckles: “AH, can't fight it... AAAAAAH!” He burst into pieces. Conker: “Now that HAD to hurt.” (Kirby: 67400) Kefka: “You will DIE by my hand!!! AAAHAHAHAHA!!!” Washu: “Do something!” Kirby: “Fine! I will!” Kirby drew a card (69400). Kirby: “I should've did this earlier...” He put one magic/trap card face down. Kirby: “Alright, I'm bringing back my boys Sonic and Knuckles right now with TWO Monster Reborn cards!” Washu: “WHAT!? You were bluffing!?” Bubsy: “Should've seen it coming.” Link: “It is impossible to see anything coming in this duel.” Yami: “Truly.” Sonic and Knuckles were back on the field. Sonic: “What the, HEY! What are you doing here Knucklehead?” Knuckles: “I should ask the same question to you, friend.” Both had teeth gritting. Kirby: “CHILL!”

 

Washu's turn. The Swords are destroyed again. Washu: “Hmph! Hey Knuckles, feeling... dead?” Knuckles: “The hell?” Washu: “You will after I put Eikbyo Drakmord on you!” Knuckles was equipped with the magic card. Yami: “Hmmm! For two turns, Knuckles can't attack!” Conker: “Then he gets destroyed AGAIN after the second turn. Sucks for him...” Knuckles: “MY STRENGTH! It's leaving me...” Knuckles took a knee. (No, he still has 3000 ATK and he's still in Attack position.) Kirby: “Oh yeah? Well TAKE THIS!” Kirby flipped over a trap card: Widespread Ruin. Washu: “NOOOOO!” Kefka: “Oh, you little bastard...” Kefka broke into pieces. Link: “Widespread Ruin automatically sends the monster on the opponent's side with the highest ATK to the graveyard. A lucky break for Kirby.” Mega: “THAT'S SHOWIN' HER!” Washu: “Crap! Go...” Kirby's turn (71400). Kirby: “Alright! Behold the MASTER EMERALD!” Suddenly, green light flashed throughout the sub-space as the giant emerald took the field in the magic/trap zone. Kirby: “As long as the Master Emerald is on the field, all my monsters get 4000 DEF points!” Kirby ended his turn.

Washu took a card. Washu: “Hmmm... I don't know about you, but the big city isn't my kind of place to be. I need space.” Washu set a field magic card down. Washu: “I get PLENTY in OUTER SPACE!” The city suddenly washed away from everyone's view, only to be clouded by millions of lights as the whole area appeared to merge with outer space. Tails: “Cool light trick!” Yami: “Incredible!” Conker: “Sucky.” Washu: “This field magic card is really special!” (All DARK monsters gain 5000 ATK. Any monster currently face-up on the field or summoned hereafter while this card is in effect will be destroyed on the third Standby Phase after their summoning. Fairy, Rock, or Zombie type monsters are exempted from being destroyed by this cards' effect.) Washu: “To protect Yuna, I'll cast Shell on her with a `Shell' magic card.” Shell negates all effects of Magic Cards on the monster (person) that is equipped with the card. Yuna: “I was worried for a second...” Sonic: “Damn! We're gonna get kicked off again!” Knuckles found himself unable to say anything. Yami: “Hmmm... can Kirby actually pull out of this?” Washu: “I'll take two counters off of Yuna to recover 5000 life points, then I'll end my turn.” (36500)

 

Kirby pulled a card (73400). Tails whispered to Conker: (Hey, remember that Cyber Jar? Why didn't Kirby...) Conker: (Shit happens. Not like he needs life points anyway...) Tails: (Oh...) Kirby: “I'll place one monster face down, then I'll activate the Wave-Motion Cannon!” Washu: “Shit! That thing's been there for five turns!” The cannon fired and slammed into Washu. (31500) Kirby: “I ain't finished! Next, I'll activate Sonic's special power!” Sonic: “What special power!?” Knuckles: “Sonic... ugh... I'm almost gone again... take the Master Emerald... use its power...” Knuckles fell out, unconscious. Sonic: “The Master Emerald's power? Oh yeah...” Sonic jumped on top of the emerald and started absorbing power. Kirby: “And now, the one, the ONLY... SUPER SONIC!!!”

After a bright flash of light, Sonic had turned gold, and the Master Emerald had disappeared. Rouge: “Wow, I forgot how he looked when he was like that... hmmm...” Super Sonic: “YEAH! Time to pay...” (ATK 15000, DEF 0, Lv 50, Light, Beast-Warrior, Effect: Can only be summoned by moving 'Sonic' and 'Master Emerald' from the field to the graveyard. Cannot be destroyed as a result of declared attacks from opponent monsters or field magic cards. Pay 4000 LP every turn this card is in attack position at your standby phase. If the owner of this monster does not want to give up life points, this card can be destroyed to return 'Sonic' from the graveyard to the field in Attack position during the Standby phase. This monster can be targeted by effects that designate `Sonic' as the target.) Mega: “ZERO DEFENSE!? What the hell?” Link: “It challenges Kirby not to place Super Sonic in defense mode, for ANY reason.” Conker: “His life points are going to have to hold out now.” Kirby: “Alright Sonic! Knock Yuna out!” Ouch. Sonic rammed into Yuna, who fell unconscious, but went nowhere. Washu: “Come on. Anyone who's ever played a Final Fantasy knows that the characters don't get kicked off the field when they go down. Even so... You're gonna pay later. I swear...” Kirby: “Yeah, yeah...” Kirby's turn ends. Knuckles fades away.

 

Washu's turn. Washu: “THANK THE HEAVENS!!!” Link: “Little Washu's day is made?” She pulled the Duster. Kirby: “FUCK!!!! Ain't this a bitch...” Soon, his four Solemn Wishes and the other two trap cards were gone. Rouge: “Like it really matters...” Washu: “It will once I get through with him!” She ends her turn. Kirby draws a card. Standby... (69400). Mega: “WHOA! That's harsh!” Tails: “Kirby's LP was just 73400! Damn!” Kirby: “A small price to pay. ATTACK!” Ouch. Washu: “NOOOO!” (16500) Yami: “What power!” Washu: “You stinkin' puffball! I'll teach you!” Kirby: “TRY!” Washu pulled a card. Washu: “I'll play Premature Burial to revive Jinzo!” Kirby: “Shit...” Jinzo appeared on the field. (Washu: 15700) Yami: “Interesting defense...” Washu: “Finally, I'll use a Summon Advance to set a monster on the field. Go!”

Kirby: “So, get Jinzo to keep you from taking a SERIOUS pounding, will you?” He draws. (65400) Kirby: “Sonic, attack Jinzo!” S.Sonic: “No problem!” BAM! Jinzo explodes into pieces. (Washu: 8100) Kirby: “Next turn, it's over!” Washu: “We'll see!” She pulls a card. Washu: “I'll put a card face down.” Her turn ends. Kirby pulls a card. (61400) Kirby: (...save him for later...) “Alright, let's go Sonic! Take out the defense monster!” Sonic destroyed the Dark Magician. Tails: “That was close!” Yami: “I wouldn't have differed from Washu's decision.” Washu: “... well, he WAS an Egyptian Pharaoh... We're equals!” Conker: “Ok...”

Washu pulls a card. Washu: “I'll flip over my trap card now!” She revealed an Acid Trap Hole. Yami: “Hmmm. Washu gets to choose one of Kirby's face down monsters. If it has a DEF of 2000 or less, it's destroyed.” Washu picked the only face down monster Kirby had. It was the Royal Magic Library. Kirby: “Awww...” Washu: “Right at the limit!” The card was destroyed. Link: “A small loss, but perhaps meaningful in Little Washu's eyes.” Washu: “Alright! Now I summon this girl!” Washu put a monster card down. Kirby: “Ok, sorry I have to kick the girl's ass, but shit happens...” Washu: “You're right! Come on out SALLY!” All else: “WHAT!?” Kirby: “Oh hell...”

Princess Sally Acorn materialized on the field. Sally: “What... Sonic! Oh Sonic, I've been looking for you everywhere!” Sonic: “UH... hiya, Sal...” Sally: “Sonic, I'm so sorry... Knuckles wasn't ANYTHING compared to you! Will you forgive me!?” S.Sonic: “Sally...” Conker: “What the hell? I thought this was a card game. The squirrel's cute, though...” S.Sonic: “...well, ok Sally. I forgive you.” Bubsy: “Like THAT!? WHAT!? BULLSHIT!” Link: “The bobcat has a point. Their hearts COULDN'T have healed that quickly.” Washu: “Yes they could. because...” Three characters in the area: “SHIT HAPPENS!” Washu: “Just like this next trick...”

Sonic didn't know what the hell he was thinking when he left Sally, but it didn't matter. She was his again. Sonic crossed the field to go join her. Kirby: “HEY, WHAT? SONIC, what are you DOING!?” Washu: “What Sally's card says.” (Sally Acorn: ATK 1700, DEF 600, Lv 4, Earth, Beast-Warrior, Effect: If 'Sonic' is on the opponent's side of the field face up, take Sonic and place him on your side. Control Sonic until this monster is destroyed, then return him to the opponent. This card cannot be attacked while 'Sonic' is on the player's side of the field in Attack position.) Kirby: “FUCK!” Washu: “Now GET `EM you two!” The recently paired couple stopped making out and hit Kirby... together... however your imagination sees it... (Kirby: 44700) All onlookers: “WOW!” Tails: “...nasty...” Mega: “Yeah! Didn't think that position existed...” The hell is he taking about anyway... Kirby: “Oh you bitch! Take Sonic away, will you!? Fine!”

Kirby drew a card. Kirby: “That's it! TAKE THIS!!!” Kirby plays a magic card. Tails: “Ok, I was looking at when he pulled his cards, so he's been had this in his hand.” Dark Hole. Damn. Washu: “WHAT!? AWWW...” The field started to rumble. Sally: “Sonic, LOOK!” A big ass hole appeared under them. They fell away QUICK. Sally + Sonic: “NOOOOOO!!!” Conker: “Shit happens...” Rouge: “Ugh, is this adventure going to get normal anytime soon?” Shi... Rouge rubbed Tails' head all over her tits. Rouge: “WHY YOU... mmm... bastard...” Tails: “Hey! Wha... mmmph! MMMPH! MM-MM-MM!” Washu: “...you suck.” Kirby: “Had to do it! Now I play Summon Advance to summon Megaman!” Mega: “What!? Alright! Time to kick butt!” Megaman teleported onto Kirby's field. (ATK 8000, DEF 7500, Lv 6, Earth, Machine) Kirby: “Get her!” Mega: “No problem! SHINING LASER!!!” Washu: “AAAAAH!!!” (Washu: 100) Yami: “Now we see Washu's true prowess.” Washu: “YOU BASTARD!” Link: “This is critical.” Conker: “Aw, Yami's pulled out of this situation twice already! She's gonna do something...” Kirby: “Finally, I'm grounding us with THE RAINBOW!!!”

The entire area went white, then it revealed a field of wet grass. A big rainbow hung over the playing field. The sun that came out was damn bright. Conker: “What the hell!? That's gotta be major UV damage...” Kirby held his arm up and forced the sun WAY back. Washu: “...I see you have some skill... what does this do?” (The Rainbow: (Field) All EARTH, FIRE, WIND, and WATER monsters get +5000 ATK. Multiply ATK and DEF of LIGHT monsters by seven after all other effects have been applied.) Tails: “SEVEN!? WOW!” Kirby: “Now deal with that!”

 

Washu: “This next card better be something good...” She pulled. Washu: “...that'll work. I play Full-Life!” Conker: “Full-Life? What the heck?” Washu: “Full-Life allows me to remove the unconsciousness from Yuna!” Kirby: “AW SHIT! That means...” Yuna: “...oooh, that's better!” She was back in Defense mode. Yami: “This is unheard of! Yuna has 35000 DEF points!” Conker: “Magic card, anyone?” Washu: “Good idea! I'll put Malevolent Nuzzler on Yuna, giving her a total of 8400 ATK! Now YOU deal with HER!” Kirby: “Oh, I will...”

Kirby pulled a card. Kirby: “I summon Gradius!” A large, white ship flew out of hyperspace and hovered above Kirby's side, causing major wind to flare up. Conker: “I hate it when this happens!!!” Conker pulled out a ten ton anvil and tied himself to it with a rope. ???: “How the FUCK... TEN F*CKING TONS!?” A rock came out of the closing hyperspace portal at #$%#^@%^#$% speed and knocked the bastard into a White Hole. Then a Man-Eater Bug came and beat him up to a bloody pulp. Then five vultures circling the area from some shitty desert crapped on him, and an 18-wheeler with Crash Bandicoot's logo on it ran his sorry ass over FLAT. ...then rats came and ate at his guts. Uh oh...

Cartman: “HEY! That's f*cking copyright infringement! KICK HIS ASS!!!” Tails: “HEY! Give the carcass a break!” Kyle: “Fuck no dude! After all the shit Kenny's gone through?” Stan: “We will avenge Kenny!” Washu was unaffected by anything. So was Kirby and the two other characters on the field. Washu: “Ok, what can Gradius do?” (ATK 1200, DEF 800, Lv 4, Light, Machine) Yami: “That gives Gradius 8400 ATK and 5600 DEF.” Washu: “Big deal!” Kirby: “I'll end my turn.”

 

Washu's turn. She looked at her drawn card. Washu: “...I'll put this card face down and end my turn.” Kirby pulled a card. Kirby: “I'll attach this Cyclon Laser to Gradius to give it 2100 ATK!” Link: “Gradius now has 9500 ATK. That will not be enough...” Kirby: “Damn, go...” Washu pulled a card. Washu: “I'll take two counters off of Yuna to get 5000 LP back.” (5100) Washu: “I'm through!” Kirby drew a card. Kirby: “Another Cyclon laser!” Tails: “ATK is 11600 now! Washu's gonna be in trouble soon at this rate!” Washu: “Not gonna happen!” Kirby: “Alright. That's it for me...” Washu pulled another card. Washu: “Good! Hey Yuna, if you had a wish, what would it be?” Yuna: “A wish? Mmmm... I wish he were still here...” Conker: “Ok, we KNOW what that means...” Washu used an “Overdrive Summon” card. Rouge: “That card sounds like it was made up on the spot...” Washu: “I can use this to summon ANY character from Final Fantasy! I'll use it to summon Tidus to the field!” Yuna: “!!!! It's you...” Tidus: “I'm here, Yuna!”

Tidus embraced his love and held her for a good while. Washu: “Now's a good time to bring up his stats...” (ATK 6000, DEF 3500, Lv 7, Earth, Warrior, Effect: Gains 4000 ATK if `Yuna' is on the field.) Kirby: “WHAT!? Shit....” Yami: “Hmm! With Tidus on the field, Yuna can't be attacked! His ATK is also 15000!” Washu: “Hmmm... Tidus, get rid of Gradius!” Tidus: “Gotcha.” Tidus did a Blitz Ace on the ship and the ball Yuna threw at him shattered the ship to pieces. (Kirby: 41300) Kirby: “Ain't this a bitch... Fine!” Washu: “So sorry Kirby, but being cute doesn't keep you from getting your ass kicked...” Kirby: “Grr...” Kirby pulled a card. Kirby: “Oh HELL yes... Time to go retro!”

Kirby played a magic card called “Old School.” There was a picture of Maximillian Pegasus on it. Yami: “Wait! That could mean only one thing!” Kirby: “That's right. Neither of us has to make any more “Tributes” to get monsters on the field. I wouldn't knock THAT card off if I were you...” (With this card in play, players can summon any normal or effect monster, but the monster cannot attack until the number of battle phases the card has survived is equal to the monster's tier minus one.) Tails: “So Lv 4 monsters can attack immediately, but something like Cosmo Queen will have to wait a while.” Kirby: “Right. Now I'll put this monster here in defense mode and end my turn.”

 

Washu pulled and put a monster card face up on the field. Washu: “Yuna! Summon the dark aeon!” Yuna: “! Her...” Yuna summoned Anima. The ground shook. Link: “What evil comes from the depths of the ground?” Tails had grabbed Rouge and started hovering. Bubsy: “Let `em come! I'll blast `em!” His RYNO II was at the ready. Some fish-like creature with chains everywhere appeared on the field. Kirby: “Damn! That thing is HUGE!” Tidus: “It's over now!” Mega: “We'll see about that!” (Anima: ATK 12000, DEF 9000, Lv 45, Dark, Beast, Effect: Roll three dice. If the total is 3, 15, 16, or 17, destroy the opposing face-up monster with the lowest attack. If three sixes are rolled, destroy all monsters on the opponent's side of the field. Effect can only be used once per turn during the Main Phase of your own turn.) Kirby: “...oh hell...” Washu decided to activate Anima's effect. Washu rolled a two, a five and a three. Washu: “What!? 10!? Shoot! Anima, destroy the face down monster!” Anima... could do nothing. Washu: “...aw dammit... forgot about that other effect. Your move...”

Kirby just smiled. He pulled a card. Kirby: “...I'll flip this here card over to reveal Perfect Chaos!” Sonic characters: “WHAT!?” Rain started pouring down, and the drops collected to form the terrifying beast known as Perfect Chaos. Washu: “Like a big water monster's gonna scare me!” Rouge: “And I thought Anima was ugly...” Yuna: “It's hideous...” (Perfect Chaos: ATK 10000, DEF 400, Lv 25, Water, Aqua) Kirby: “That's it for me!” Conker: “Washu's not gonna have a chance in hell pretty soon.” Washu pulled a card. Washu: “Now I'll activate Yuna's ability by removing three spell counters from her!' Yuna saw three round token revolve around her. Link: “Hmmm... ah... quite the effect.” Tails: “She gonna summon him!?” Kirby: “This ain't nothing...” Yuna summoned Bahamut, King of Dragons. (ATK 10000, DEF 9000, Lv 31, Dark, Dragon) Kirby: “SO? Bahamut can't do SHIT to me!!!” Washu: “You're right, but I just HAD to do it. Now then, time for Megaman to go bye-bye! Get `em Tidus!” Kirby: “Oh shit...” Megaman got sliced out of the duel. (Kirby: 41100) Kirby: “Sorry, friend...” Yami: “That is a terrible loss.” Rouge: “How is pinkie gonna pull out of this one?” Kirby: “Oh, believe me, I will...”

 

Kirby pulled a card. Kirby: “I'll set this card on the field, then I'll play FISSURE!” Washu: “WHAT!? Oh no...” A wide crack opened above Yuna, and she fell in. Tidus: “YUNA!!!!” Tidus dove in to try and save her. Then the split closed, and the aeons were forced to disperse thanks to their mistress being kicked off the field. Washu: “YOU BASTARD!” Kirby: “Didn't think fissure would cause so much mayhem...” Washu's turn. Washu: “Something good better come out of this deck...” She drew a card. Washu: “Damn. I'll set this monster on the field and end my turn.” Kirby drew a card. Kirby: “YES! It's over for you now Washu. First, I'll activate this trap card, Call of the Haunted, to bring back Sakura Kinomoto!” Conker: “What? He's putting Sakura back IN?” Sakura appeared through a warp in the air. Sakura: “Huh!? We're back here again Windy!” Kirby waved at her. Sakura landed on his side of the field. Kirby: “Good. Now for her OTHER special ability.” Washu: “Oh great...” Tails: “I thought she only had that dice ability!” Link: “You failed to see the ellipses...” Kirby: “First I'll get rid of three cards from my hand.” Kirby sent Offerings to the Doomed, Cliff the Trap Remover and Block Attack to the Graveyard. Kirby: “Now watch this!”

Sakura's staff began to vibrate. Suddenly, one card came out of Kirby's hand, and five others came out of the deck. They encircled the Cardmistress, who recognized them very quickly. Sakura: “What... my cards...” Then, in a flash of light, the Firey, the Watery, the Windy, the Earth, the Dark and the Light all materialized on the field. Bubsy: “Oh, this shit doesn't happen in the series...” Sakura: “What are you doing?” Light: “Dear Cardmistress, we are here to offer our strength.” Kirby: “Yup. And now... POLYMERZATION!!!” Washu: “Aw shit!” Yami: “This should be quite interesting... SEVEN different entities must be fused together!” Dark: “Cardmistress, the effect calls for an old spell of Clow Reed.” Sakura: “A spell...” Dark: “Speak the words, and our strength will inhabit you.” Sakura: “What? But I don't know what to say!” Kirby: “Damn...” Washu: “Too bad...” Link: “...odd, if the spell calls for combination, perhaps it involves the very elements?” Sakura looked around at her subjects. Sakura: “From firey flames and watery seas... from the soild earth and the windy skies... in the light of day, and the dark of night... all powers, give your strength and let `mother' arise!!!” The “cards” nodded. Conker: “What? She just said a bunch of crap, and now they're gonna do something? I thought she didn't know.” Tails: “Looks like the spirit of Clow Reed floats around her all the time...”

The cards then shifted into balls of energetic light, which wrapped themselves around the Cardmistress. Link: “This looks like a scene out of that anime... Sailor Moon...” Sakura was lifted into the air as the various elements merged with her body. New, rainbow-colored linens adorned the girl, and huge wings flapped behind her. Kirby: “Yes! Mother Sakura has taken the field!” Washu: “MOTHER Sakura!?” (ATK 16000, DEF 10000, Lv 50, Light, Spellcaster) Kirby: “No effect, but...” Yami: “! The field! It raises Mother Sakura's ATK and DEF to supreme values!” Tails: “No WAY! DEF is 70000, but ATK is freakin' 112000!!!!” Washu was in pure shock. Washu: “Oh no...” Kirby: “Do it! Attack the face down monster!” Mother Sakura nodded and held her hands out. Beams of energy shot forth at the face down card. This is where Washu went insane with laughter. Washu: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You dolt! I put down some insurance WELL before you got the idea to pull something like this!” The beams then hit an invisible barrier... and turned around. The spectators were surprised as hell. Kirby: “WHAT THE FUCK!? YOU PUT A MIRROR FORCE ON THE FIELD!?” Washu: “That's right! And after three paragraphs of your turn too. Just a little gift for taking me all the way to 100 Life Points. Take that!” Sakura went wide-eyed as the beams rebounded off of the magical shield and encased her and Perfect Chaos in high-powered energy. They simply vanished from the field as the light drenched the area in power. Conker: “...damn. Shit happens.” Kirby: “Oh YOU BITCH! I'll get you soon enough!!!” Washu: “Gee, I wonder when that will happen...” Washu squealed with delight. Rouge: “Dammit, that means the duel ain't over yet.” Kirby: “You... go...” Washu: “Thank you!”

 

Washu pulled a card. Washu: “Now I'll turn over the monster to reveal the Gemini Elf. Then I'll summon Gilomon!” The virus-type digimon appeared on the field. (ATK 1900, DEF 1800, Lv 5, Dark, Beast) Gilomon: “Heeey... where's Takatomon?” Washu: “He's coming... Gemini Elf, attack!” (Kirby: 34200). Washu: “Ok, your turn.” Kirby pulled a card. Then he started... chuckling. Conker: “What? Kirby, what's gotten into you?” Kirby: “Guess who I pulled!” Chucky got summoned to the field. Chucky: “Hey, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE? I got a killing spree to start!” Kirby: “Shut up and get ready! You're in a duel, so use your effect right now!” (ATK 9000, DEF 100, Lv 27, Dark, Fiend, Effect: Roll two dice. If the total is 2, 6, 11 or 12, destroy one face-up non-machine, non-rock monster on the opponent's side. This can only be used once per turn.) Chucky: “Alright, since I get to kill something, here goes...” Chucky rolled a four and a two. Kirby: “Excellent! Get the Gemini Elf!” Chucky stabbed the Gemini Elf, who went down and broke apart. Kirby: “Go.” Chucky: “You're next, dumb-ass lookin' monster...” Gilomon: “Aaaah... this is scaring me...” Washu: “...it won't for long... I'll set this card on the field. Now what are you gonna do?”

Kirby pulled a card. Kirby: “Alright! I summon Barrel Dragon.” Tails: “Uh oh...” Yami: “Hmph!” The Barrel Dragon appeared on the field. Washu: “Being cheap, are we? I'll teach you! I activate Nightmare Wheel! As of now, Chucky can't attack!” The nightmare wheel ran over Chucky fast and trapped him on itself. Chucky: “What the! Ain't this a bitch...” Kirby: “I hear `ya...” Washu: “WHAT DID YOU SAY!? OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH...” Kirby: “Right then! Let's see what we get now...” Kirby activated the dragon's special ability. Only one coin landed correctly. Kirby: “Shit. Go.”

Washu picked up a card. Washu: “I summon the Patrician of Darkness!” (Effect: As long as this monster remains face-up on the field, the controller of this card selects the targets of his/her opponent's attacks.) Yami: “Because it's a level 5 monster, it has to wait one battle phase before attacking.” Washu: “That's that...” Kirby's turn (33700). Kirby: “Damn wheel... save this card for later... now let's try again!” No coins landed right. Kirby: “Dammit! Go.” Washu smiled. She picked up a card. She frowned. Washu: “Shit... go.” Kirby: “Alright! That's it!” He drew a card (33200). Kirby: “First, I'll use Chucky's effect.” Washu: “What!? Shit, he can still use the damn effect!” Chucky rolled dice. He got eleven. Kirby: “YES! Off with the Patrician!” Chucky held up the finger. The Patrician was destroyed. Kirby: “And now for Barrel Dragon!” All three coins were heads. Conker: “It's about time this story moved on...” Gilomon got sucked into a cyber portal. Kirby: “Now to end it with this guy! I'll sacrifice Chucky to bring out Astro Boy!” Chucky: “WHAT!? Aw, you son of a...” The Gravekeeper of Cards came and took Chucky away. In his place stood Astro Boy. (ATK 2000, DEF 1500, Lv 6, Light, Machine) Kirby: “And now for his Arm Cannon Mode!” Kirby dropped a card on the field, and Astro's left arm transformed into that beam cannon thing, gaining him 6000 ATK. Astro: “Alright! POWER!” Kirby: “Now take aim at the chick and END THIS SHIT!” Washu: “GRRR... dang!” Astro took all 56000 ATK... Link: “One can't forget what Dreamland does to a Light monster...” ...and fired at Washu. Game over.