Crossover Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Reason And Accountability ❯ Roo-Baby ( Chapter 41 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

FORTY-ONE

 

“Jaune..,” whimpered Pyrrha from the futon in my room. Calling her my wife didn’t fix things. Trying to make her comfortable did not change the fact that she loved Jaune, not me, no matter how I was there our first time, and the second. She loved Jaune. And watching seasons of him struggling and suffering in RWBY wasn’t helping her calm down. She needed a vacation, a chance to really see him, in person, to stop her tears and regrets and loneliness. And cope with all the pregnancy hormones.

“She needs a vacation. And so do you, niisan,” ordered Komachi at breakfast. I was letting Pyrrha sleep in. She was starting to show, just barely. She had women’s underwear and various maternity clothes and a tourist Visa, somehow. I’d found her a family medicine doctor who ran the usual blood tests and prescribed various diet and vitamin changes so she’d stay healthy during her pregnancy. Jaune was missing all this, but to be fair, it was my fault, probably, that she was pregnant. Sort of. Using his wedding tackle. Using other people’s bodies is a grammatical challenge in addition to its more metaphysical aspects.

“I am starting to agree. The problem with us is only I feel Jaune’s love for her, but she doesn’t see him when she looks at me. Sharing souls means I pick up a lot of emotions and feelings and biases that I never had on my own. Books do not impart this level of detail to the gut level. Not like sharing a soul.”

“Niisan, I don’t look at pets the same way anymore, and don’t even get me started on my internal critique of the uniforms in world war one Europe. I know how they are supposed to look. I can cite chapter and verse, and my German is flawless. I also speak Spanish, for some reason, and understand how to use both a torque wrench and hydraulic press. Why do I know this? Shared souls. So you don’t have to explain. I get it. But you still need to do something for Pyrrha. You really aren’t her husband, and you are hurting her by insisting otherwise,” Komachi denied. I sighed. She was right. I know she is right. I hugged her and rubbed her head. She allowed this because we are siblings.

The part of my brain that is open to the Boss queried it. Her. Them. The anthropomorphic personification of Death. The answer returned quickly, because Death is everywhere.

“Komachi, I’m going to be taking a vacation. I am not sure for how long, but probably enough for Pyrrha and Jaune to get comfortable here. Probably a week. Please call my sensei and let her know I am going to be out for urgent family business reasons. Make sure mom and dad support my story. You’re in charge in my absence, okay?” I ordered. Komachi raised an eyebrow at what I said, then Pyrrha descended the stairs in sweats and a loose teeshirt, seeking a cup of barley tea and toast. She needed the folic acid for the baby.

“Okay. I’m ready,” I said out loud. A portal appeared and I stared at Jaune, who looked startled in his armor, complete with gold accents. So season three?

“Yo,” I said and held out my hand. He extended his own, confused. I shook it and the portal swept past, dropping him into my house’s kitchen and Pyrrha, who yelled in happiness: “Jauney!”

I, on the other hand was somehow on Remnant, this time in my own body, in the woods. I was not alone.

“Jaune? Wait, who are you?” demanded a squeaky voiced half-pint speedster. It was Ruby, of course.

“Jaune is visiting Pyrrha, who is alive, but not on Remnant. It is complicated. You look like Ruby Rose. And you must be Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren. Nice to meet you in person.”

“Who are you?” asked the chibi reaper. Ren was relaxed, but Nora was suspicious. I noted the crow sitting on the branches of a nearby tree. I stared pointedly.

“Someone from… well, I supposed you’d call me an alien, though I’m human. To me, you are the aliens. Oh, and I’m a wizard, though I don’t shapeshift into animals. Ahem. Animal shapeshifting Qrow!” The bird dropped down to the ground and transformed into the drunken father of Ruby Rose. Not sure if she knew this or not, but it was a very popular fan theory about the show. It made sense, after all. Because Alcohol is a powerful drug.

“Qrow! You’re here!” said a surprised Ruby Rose, and hugged him. He looked awkward and uncomfortable.

“Hey kiddo. Miss me?” he asked, and lifted his flask of his belt to take a pull. I cast Heal Other on him and cured poison as well, just to steal his buzz. He looked at the flask, confused.

“Must have gone off?” he muttered. Ruby let go and stood on one foot, waiting impatiently for an explanation as to why he turned from a bird into a person.

“Sorry, kid. Secret stuff,” he said, handwaving the question away without answer.

“Riiight,” Ruby said, smirking the way her seventeen year old self preferred to. She was more sarcastic than when the show started a year and a half earlier.

“So, kid, who are you and where is our hero?” asked the old man. He was only middle aged, but he acted old and broken down thanks to various injuries, disappointment, and a couple decades of alcoholism.

“Ah, call me Hachiman. I’m a friend of Jaune’s. My boss decided that his wife needed him for sanity reasons, so he’s taking a vacation with her. I’m standing in for his place until they’re okay. Probably a week or two. I hope I don’t have to replace my mattress,” I muttered the last bit. On thinking about it, I probably DID need to. I should probably burn it. Or douse it in bleach before sending it off with the trash collectors. That’s going to be annoying when I get back.

“Mattress? What do you mean wife?” asked Qrow, clearly confused.

“Eh, remember when I healed Amber?” I asked him.

“What? That was Jaune, sort of,” Qrow denied.

“I was the sort-of Jaune at the time. I noticed that Ozpin decided not to deal with the security problems, leading to the attack on beacon that killed all those people and cost Vale the academy, along with Pyrrha’s life. Well, later I was able to save her life at the very last second. But she can’t come back to Remnant, for metaphysical reasons, so she’s living on my planet instead.”

“That sounds like a very inconvenient commute,” commented Nora drily.

“Possibly for most people. I’m not sure where in the universe Remnant is, but I suspect it is quite far from Earth. Most likely this place is a lost colony world, probably tens of thousands of years in my future.”

“So you’re saying you’re from a long time ago and far far away?” confirmed Ren with a quiet smile.

“Even though it looks it’s the future, it’s really a long long time ago,” I sang. Ren laughed then.

“Renny?” asked Nora.

I used my cellphone to pull up the saved track I’d ripped from the internet from the Bad Lip Reading channel, pressed play over the tinny speaker.

“What’s that? Is that a scroll? Why is it flat?” asked Ruby, curious. They listened to the song. Oddly enough, the movie was still from Star Wars, but there were only three of them here. Not the apocryphal Jar Jar Sith much less the Darth Mouse movies and tv shows that turned the entire idea into mulch.

“So, um, does my sister owe you for her arm?” Ruby eventually asked me. I eyed her. I nodded.

“I’ll tell her, then. I think Blake is mad at you, though.”

“Blake is a complicated woman,” I answered. “And I did kill her ex. And cut his head off. Because we always… take the heads. What no Thirteenth Warrior fans? So where are we anyway?” I asked, looking around.

“Pretty close to our home village,” Nora answered warily. “The last time we were here things were pretty bad.”

“Oh. Ooohhhh. Qrow, there’s a creepy centaur thing with long arms, a scorpion faunus who can stab through aura, and a guy who drinks and injects dust crystals to make himself stronger. They work for Salem. Really strong. Jaune killed the centaur thing last time, but the faunus was quick so stabbed and killed you. I can cure the poison if he gets a hit, but only if you stay alive long enough. And I stay alive too,” I added necessarily. “I don’t have aura, but I’ve got magic that’s just as good. I can tank hits, but can’t jump around like a flea.”

“Huh? What are you saying?” asked Qrow. Being sober didn’t do him many favor. I zapped him with healing to wake him up further. I’d need his brain working and reflexes up to speed.

“I’m a wizard. Also, I’ve seen this episode.”

“Episode?” asked Nora, confused. Ren shrugged uneasily.

“I mean you should all get ready to fight once you get to the village.”

“Does anyone hear music?” asked Ruby, shivering.

“Oh, sorry. Let me turn that off,” apologized, then hit stop on my playlist. It was quiet. Too quiet.

“Ahahwhahahah!” screeched the superagile faunus leaping out of the sky and face first into my reflexive Spark spell. He jerked and sizzled while I held up my shield spell with my left hand. His stabby tail was writhing against it and would probably get through in a moment so I lit him on fire next. This was sufficiently distracting to cause him to bound away screeching even louder, if that was possible. I dropped the spells and looked around, raising the shield once more to deflect a stone the size of a bowling ball moving at baseball pitch speed. It bounced off, nailing the grimm centaur thing, audibly breaking ribs on the horse part of it and causing the rider to slam sideways into a stone wall. That looked like it hurt. The black stuff it used for blood and innards was left as an imprint there. It ratcheted upright and turned to glare at me.

“Great. I got its attention,” I sarcastically announced to the world at large. The others were moving. I gave Nora a blast of Spark, which she used to supercharge her attack, because of her semblance, then slammed down into the Junkie Superman Siscon.

“Nice pitch there, Siscon. Wanna try that again?” I taunted. He threw a heavy house door at me next, which blocked my vision. I rolled right and found the faunus was trying for another stab, his clothes smoking. I zapped him with Spark again, then another dose of fire, because fire is fabulous at melee range. He didn’t inhale the flames, alas, but did dodge backwards to engage Qrow. The older man was agile, I’ll give him that. His scythe swung quickly, and he used it to block the stinging attacks of the tail. I didn’t dare use the spells near them, so fired an ice spike at the Siscon Superman instead. He took it in the gut like a samurai committing seppuku, spilling his intestines onto the ground. Really, I don’t care what drugs you’re on, that is going to slow you down. I put another spike into his head for good measure. You know that Gallagher guy, who would do this standup act in America using watermelons and comically large mallets? It was like that. The corpse dropped backwards, and did not move again.

“Damn it!” shrieked the scorpion faunus with frustration. “He owned me fifty lien!”

I quirked an eyebrow at that, then lit him on fire again. He bounded away and vanished.

“Anybody get hit by that guy?” I asked.

“Me,” called Ren. I approached him, looking pale and sweaty and barely holding upright. I case Cure Poison and Heal Other on him. His color immediately improved and the puckered wound slowly spat venom before closing with pink scar. It was resistant to full healing for around a minute, then vanished.

“Anybody else?” I asked, looking around. Nora was quiet. I approached. She was gasping for breath. I cast heal other and diagnostics found a collapsed lung and various bits of burn damage, some from my Spark spell. Odd. It seems my spell isn’t like the local electricity. The knife wound in her chest hadn’t helped. The grimm splatterered on the wall and the head that Qrow had removed were dissolving into black smoke, slowly. Disgusting creatures. Nora regained her color as my healing worked its magic and deep breaths soothed everyone. Ruby stood by helplessly waiting. When I finished I healed some bruises on scrapes on the girl. Young woman. Her boobs were noticeable. She was growing up. I patted her on the head.

“Hey, what was that for?” she glared at my hand.

“Ruby, millions of people want to pat you on the head,” I insisted. She glared impotently.

“Don’t do that again,” Ruby warned.

“I am going to do that again. You are much too cute not to pat on the head,” I countered. She finished healing up then. I took my hand away and smirked down at the adorable girl. “Feel better?”

“Yes?” she answered, confused. Then she noticed all her battle damage was healed and shrugged it off, probably as aura. It did that. I just did it faster. The team was all healed up, the monster was dead, a crazy guy was dead, and another crazy guy was reporting my Wizard existence to the queen of darkness.

“So, what next? Are we looking for Ozpin or Yang?” I asked.

“Ozpin” said Qrow.

“Yang,” said Ruby.

The two glared at each other.

“Well, Ozpin is now Oscar. He’s a farmboy. And is probably making his way to Vale. He was going to be waylaid and kidnapped by the guy I spiked to death. Yang is visiting her mother and learning how to fight properly,” I answered. Qrow looked relieved at the first bit of news, then depressed and despairing at the second half. He pulled out his flask, remembered I kept cancelling his buzz, then put it back on his belt. He glared at me.

“Well?” he demanded. The others more or less stared with the same question.

“Ren, Nora? You want to pray for your folks? We can wait a bit.” I offered. Ren nodded in relief and the two moved towards a ruined building, probably his family home.

“What?” asked Ruby, confused.

“This is their home town. When they were little kids it was attacked by that grimm and it killed Ren’s folks and nearly all the villagers. The place got attacked because Yang’s mom attacked this place with her bandit tribe and weakened their defenses, and made enough people sad to attract the grimm. It is a whole tragedy. Nora was a little homeless girl, starving and picked on by the kids here. They were dead a short time later and Ren was able to protect her because of his semblance, the ability to hide his emotions from the grimm. Without emotions they can’t sense him. He was able to extend it to Nora. It helped them survive. He doesn’t talk about it.”

“Then how do you know?” asked Qrow suspiciously.

“It was in the flashback. In the episode. Duh!” I answered. Being sarcastic is fun. It’s like a drug. You get a taste for it and you just want to keep doing it.

“Kid, if you weren’t a healer I would smack you right now,” warned Qrow.

“And I’ll keep curing your hangover and kill your buzz every chance I get. We need you sober on this trip, not dead,” I threatened him back. He glared impotently.  

“And I should probably mention that Haven Academy is run by Lionheart, but he’s a traitor and working for Salem so has been sending out his students to ambushes where they get killed. He’s done more to kill humans than anyone for the last seventy years since the Great War ended.” Qrow looked very upset at this news. He reached for his scroll, opened it, realized there was no signal, closed it again. Looked at the sky, then realized Ozpin was missing, then looked at Ruby and remembered he needed to protect her, then looked depressed for being helpless.

“I get that, I really do,” I said in answer to his unsaid complaint. “It’s almost as bad as sounding like Vic Minogue, playing himself.”

“Who? Vic what?” asked Qrow while sounding exactly like Vic Minogue, playing himself.

“Minogue. He’s one of those Christian voice actors from Texas with a holier than thou attitude. All his characters sound the same. Doesn’t have much range,” I answered instead of explaining. Qrow stared at me, lifted his flask, glared, then pulled a slug of whatever rotgut was in there. I let him swallow. Let him smirk. Grinned back and wiggled my fingers but didn’t cast the spells. He glared and pointed at me in a threatening but impotent way. Ruby just took this in like one of those people watching a tennis match. I patted her head, which she swatted away.

“You are kind of annoying,” Ruby said. “And also kind of ugly.”

“I was born ugly, but I’ve been Jaune a few times, you know. I’m the reason he can use his semblance to heal people,” I explained. “He doesn’t have magic, exactly, but the Semblance is pretty close.”  

“Why should we believe you?” asked Ruby suspiciously. Her father nodded in agreement. “That fight was kind of convenient. You could be another one of the Queen of evil’s lackeys.”

“And after I healed your wounds. Such gratitude. I guess I’ll have to win you over the hard way,” I answered, projecting a glum look to them. They glared back, unimpressed. I wonder what Ren and Nora will have to say on this subject when they come back from paying their respects.

“This whole thing is going to be so awkward later,” I muttered where Ruby could hear me. She squinted in distrust. I looked for a clean place to sit down and rest but after peering at the rubble and realizing some of it was human remains I opted to remain standing and found a clean patch of dirt. When you work for Death, you spend a lot more time gaining respect for human lives, and human remains. Even though I know that reincarnation is real, along with gods and immortal incarnations of aspects of reality. Even then, I respect the structure. What else can you do?

After a short wait Ren and Nora returned in silence, holding hands. I did not mention it because they are pretty shy, still, even if they are married. I wonder if Ruby and Qrow know? A glance said yes.

“So we going to visit Yang with the bandits or to Menagerie to see Blake and Sun? Or are we going to Haven to confront Lionheart? I should mention that dead guy and scorpio were blackmailing your sister by threatening Yang’s life if she didn’t open the vault for that thing being stored at Haven. So you kind of have to go there anyway. If only someone here could get Raven’s attention and summon her portal so you could tell her the problem has been resolved. If only we could tell RAVEN that,” said louder. A portal opened, different from the kind I usually go through. It was rough, red, and looked like it went through Hell on the way to wherever.

“What is that?” asked Ruby.

“Your auntie,” I said. Qrow looked at his flask again, and I shooed at him, letting him take a pull. Not all families are as sweet between siblings as mine. I do think that Komachi would be laughing right now. If she knew how sarcastic I’ve become thanks to this travel. It is supposed to be a broadening experience. Makes you jaded and worldly. I’ve been to more worlds than Dr. Strange.

Qrow stepped forward, and we followed one after the other, leaving the ruined village to silence and the cooling corpse of a mad Siscon. The portal shut behind me as I stepped into a tent, looking around and meeting the gaze of Yang, whose long blonde hair was still one of her best features. I’m backed up. Pyrrha isn’t putting out, obviously.

“Hey, who are you?” she asked.

“I fixed your arm,” I answered, gesturing where the cut had been. She blinked.

“As come-ons go, that’s a unique one. Care to prove that?” she challenged.

“I’m not particularly interested in spoiling the view by removing and reattaching another limb,” I countered. She blinked at that.

“Fair enough. Hi sis,” she greeted Ruby, who mumbled back. “You got taller? And your boobs are finally growing in.” Yang likes to tease. Ruby thrust her chest out proudly, then noticed me looking and glared.

“Trouble on the road?” asked Raven.

“Got attacked by some of Salem’s goons and one of those centaur grimm,” Qrow answered his sister. For a MILF, she looked good. I cast healing magic on her and her sword was out and on my throat, tickling my adam’s apple.

“What are you doing?” she asked in deadly quiet. She was fast. Really fast. Faster than any skyrim bandit, that’s for sure. I felt a trickle of blood down my neck and cast Heal on myself, noting that she’d managed to cut me before Ocatos could activate, and hit stronger than my Ironskin was able to tank.

“I’m a healer. I can fix your wounds,” I answered. She stared.

“A wizard? Like Ozpin?” she asked, tensing for a fatal slice.

“Not like Ozpin. I’m not immortal. And that’s my neck you’re cutting. You want healing or not? You’ve got fallopian tube damage, and uterine wall and cervix damage. Looks like a caeserian section. I can fix the damage in a few minutes. No surgery.” She raised an eyebrow. Then withdrew and sheathed her red sword blade. She gestured down at herself and waited. I cast the spell, curing a couple STDs, liver damage from drinking bad hooch, various phytotoxins from mushrooms, poison sacks from stinging insects and probably hits by grimm scorpions, and various sword cut scars, healing them all as I repaired the damage in her reproductive tract and abdominal wall. Funny how often reproductive damage turns up in the women I meet. Like all the time. Misato was just the first. Eventually I had her sweat out a sheen of heavy metals through her abdomen and wiped that up with a fallen rag from the floor of her tent.

“You’ll want to bury this. Try not to touch it. There’s lead and arsenic in there, it could absorb into the skin if you aren’t careful. Okay. You probably want to drink some water and eat a steak to get your strength back. Not the worst operation I’ve done, or the most stressful,” I admitted. She looked annoyed at this, but flexed her arms and back. I cast briefly on her boobs, making them rise and firm up. She raised an eyebrow at this.

“Thanks?” she said.

“You’re welcome. For Yang’s sake,” I said. “Now you’re even.”

“And I owe you one. Convenient,” Raven said in a sultry whisper into my ear. Yang looked suspicious. She had a couple new sword scars and a twisted knee. I healed them while Raven and Qrow talked.

“So that job I was lined up to do at Haven?” Raven finally turned to regard me again.

“Solved. Though it might be a good idea to retrieve it with us instead, since Lionheart is a dirty murdering traitor.”

“You said he is working for Salem?” Raven asked, her eyes briefly shining gold. I knew from the show that she was one of the Maidens, which is hilarious when you realize she got the job after having a baby, and the reason she’d abandoned her husband and child was to protect them from this danger. I should probably tell them this, somewhere quiet.

“Umm, Raven, is there somewhere we can speak privately? Without your understudy listening outside the tent flap?” I pointed. Yes, Detect Life uses a lot of mana, so I only used it in spurts now and then, but I’d seen that detail in the show and remembered to check. Vernal stormed in, glaring at me.

“Vernal, my traitorous brother, my neice Ruby, and mystery guy,” he indicated me last. I slapped my own forehead.

“Sorry. My name is Hikigaya,” I said, introducing myself.

“I thought you said it was Hachiman,” complained Ruby.

“Yes, I have two names Ruby Rose,” I mocked, then rubbed her head in the way that annoyed her so much. She wriggled, attempting to escape but the tent wasn’t that big.

“Hello Vernal. Are you enjoying this family get together?” I asked the perpetually angry young woman. She was pretending to the Maiden, and was super-aggressive to everyone. She was like a Poodle, all bark, no bite.

Vernal glared at me sullenly. I checked her with healing spells and found various problems, including brain damage, various joint injuries, muscle pulls, and other problems. And I know she is destined to die, though she’d live longer than she should and kills a lot of people along the way, some of them deserving it. I opted to give her a light heal, removing some of the aches and overall issues, but none thorough, not like I would for a friend. Naturally, this is when she took a swing at me. My Ironskin stopped it, but I was flung backwards just the same.

“You’re welcome,” I replied from the floor of the tent. I sat up, noting I’d managed to land on Yang somehow. For all her working out, she was still a lovely young woman, soft in the right places.

“He did something to me,” Vernal glared with accusation. Then she noticed her mentor and gaped at the changes. She looked ten years younger, and hotter. I cast a little more on Ravens thighs, tightening things up there, tightened this and that, smoothed various wrinkles, marks, incipient cankles, the rest of it. Yang stared at the visible changes.

“Umm. Stud? You can do that to me anytime,” Yang murmured in my ear with a husky tone.

“I’ll take you up on that sometime, darlin’,” I replied quietly. Ruby was a combination of embarrassment and anger, glaring between me and her sister. Or cousin, if the rumors were right. I got back to my feet and helped pull Yang to hers. She didn’t need it, but Yang is a simple woman, different from Blake. Yang is uncomplicated.

“We seem to be the only ones within earshot,” I finally said after a quick scan for life signs.

“Tell them,” Raven ordered.

“I know why you left your family. And it was a good reason,” I began. “Two good reasons, two people to protect. And Salem can’t be beaten, not really. The Gods here made certain of that. There’s an exception, but I don’t think it will turn out well for the one likely to commit the final strike,” I said, turning to stare directly at Ruby.

“What? Why are you looking at me?” Ruby asked nervously.

“Silver eyes. The one with power over the grimm. The one with special powers against those cursed by the gods. It is… Destiny,” I said with emphasis. Ruby looked like she was going to be sick. “Or so they claim,” finished flippantly. “The show never finished and the studio went bankrupt so nobody knows how it will actually end. However, Raven’s situation required she run away from family to protect them, and hide from the main players in this world’s worst divorce settlement,” I said, waving my arms grandly.

I lowered them in tiredness then. “This place is exhausting. Anybody else want a bath and some dinner?” I asked. Everyone in the tent raised a hand, even Vernal, who was last.

My inventory had a bunch of stuff in it, including venison chops, rabbit legs, loaves of bread, tomatoes, and a bunch of potions that I kept for myself. I made venison stew and horker loaf, and served them on carved wooden plates and the various bits of flatware in Raven’s tent. Create water and bottles of wine and wizard’s whiskey and nord mead circulated in tankards, which don’t weigh much but are worthless to sell and end up cluttering your inventory. Especially when you have Deep Storage, a master level alteration spell. Which I do. We ate, we drank. Various people told stories. I gave Ruby a sweet roll. She ate it, but complained it wasn’t as good as cookies.

“If I happen to disappear after falling asleep, that’s not unusual. I might not return, so it was nice meeting you Ladies and Ren,” I note most were too drunk or sleepy to pay any attention to me but went to bed anyway.