Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ To Be The Villain ❯ The Worm Turns ( Chapter 8 )

“Hayama Hayato. Wake up, you jerk!” yelled Sister Kate, and smacked my face.

“Ow! You Bitch! What the hell!” I yelled, slamming awake to unwelcome pain.

I noticed several things in quick order. First, I wasn’t in my bedroom, much less my house. The sky was black and filled with stars and I was sitting upon a sort of hard-ish floor that was semi-opaque with a grid of glowing lines upon it. The one who’d slapped me was indeed Sister Kate, from Haganai anime.

“I’ve had a psychotic break. The stress was too much. Even being a Male Model was too much stress,” I babbled. Kate leaned forward and stared in my eyes with a gentle smile… and smacked me again.

“You have disappointed me, Hayato,” she said in a voice that was perhaps in too many dimensions at one time. It was uncomfortable, physically. “I saved your pathetic oblivious soul from a Mitsubishi truck after you utterly failed to bag my victory gift who literally threw herself at you for an entire year, including sleeping in your place while drunk and cooking your dinners and playing video games with you. And you didn’t even bang her, no matter how many times she threw herself at you. Did she have to kick you in the ass and shout NOTICE!?” she yelled the last word. Kare Kano reference, really?  

I am starting to remember a truck. And I’d been wearing my Mitsubishi shirt home from the gym, because it needed a wash. I’d been using the crosswalk with the correct signal. And WHOOM, out of nowhere I was hit by a truck. I swear, it’s like the trucks are literally trying to kill people.

“Of course they are. We have Reapers take over the drivers for a moment, possession, and hit the required people at the required time. It’s how that fatty ended up in that stupid ring continent with all the dragons and ridiculous cheat-level magic power and a harem of lolis. Your name isn’t Hayato. And it isn’t Sakurai either. That was a reward for services rendered, but you were on the clock with this one and you screwed it all up. None of my drama turned out properly. Hachiman never got to grow as a person, and neither did Yukino, what is worse. Thanks to you, she’ll go on to become the Prime Minister of Japan and drop nuclear weapons on China. Well, pretty much everyone wanted to by that point, but they shouldn’t have invaded Okinawa. The Americans were furious. All of this happened because she wasn’t getting the designated penis in her hoohah on the regular from Hachiman. Yuigahama was supposed to get a broken heart and go on to write an advice column for teens that saves a few hundred from suicide. Without her misery, she never writes her self-help books and all those teens die. Her happiness wounded the universe, because one of those dead girls was supposed to end up the wife of the man who would go on to invent a cheap and energy dense battery for electric cars that uses common components and basically saves the world from nuclear war. You screwed that up with your smug “I know better” meddling in the love lives of those around you. Every person you saved made things worse for the world. You idiot!” she howled.

“At this point all you’re good for is your looks. The multiverse is full of women in need of a good dicking, powerful women, women on edge. You’re going to go where I send you, weasel your way into their panties, and relieve their stress, and you’re doing it because I am the goddess of lust, damn it!” Kate shouted the last and I was blown through the floor and falling out of the sky, stopping abruptly before I hit the ground.

It was a beautiful meadow, with a cottage just up the hill. A pretty blonde woman was skipping around zapping slime monsters from low quality fantasy games. She collected up the blue core stones in a sack and skipped down the hill towards a village a few miles away. It could tell it was a village. There were several tile roofed buildings. I watched her go and climbed towards the cottage, presumably hers and sat on a bench outside the door, looking at the flowers that were carefully bedded and maintained. It was a nice garden. There were bees and it was very pleasant. I drifted off to sleep and awoke at the gasp of the returning woman.

“Umm. Hello?” I inquired. She perked up at this.

“You speak Japanese?” she asked.

“Yes. I’m from Chiba.”

“Did you just get here?” she asked me.

“A few hours ago. I just missed your descent to the village below, so I waited for your return. I hope you don’t mind?” I asked. She shrugged.

“It’s fine. I used to be an office lady in Tokyo, but I worked myself to death. The goddess here gave me eternal youth and perfect health and this cottage to live in. There’s probably dragons and adventures out there, but I’m content to just relax in my cottage and kill a few slimes for my daily expenses,” she said.

“Office lady, huh? Isn’t that a lonely life?” I asked her.

“Well, there’s no stress. I don’t even have a cat. I’ve kind of lost track of time, actually,” she admitted.

“I was asked by a goddess to visit you. She said you’re a bit… pent up. I can help with that,” I explained.

“Pent up? You mean… seriously? What is the goddess’s name?” she asked me.

“Well, she always appeared to me like Kate from Haganai, the nun with the heart symbol?” I explained. She looked blank.

“What year is that from?” she asked me.

“2011 is when the anime came out. The manga is before that for several years, obviously.”

“I was buried in work back in 2011. No time for anime or TV shows. I worked myself to death, literally died at my desk. I had a lot of regrets, which is why I’m here on a long vacation.”

“Well, what’s a vacation without the Boys of Summer?” I asked her. She raised a fine blonde eyebrow, considering.

“I must admit you are handsome, and I’m a virgin. I always wondered what the fuss was about. Come upstairs and let’s see how this goes,” she decided, opening her door and I followed.

A short time later there was a gasp of surprise. “So that’s what one looks like? Oh, it’s changing. Oh. Oh, I see,” she said to herself. A short time later stuff happened and the Witch who’d been killing slimes for the last thirty-nine years got a booty call and relaxed a lot of magical stress she didn’t realize she had.

“So that’s what it’s all about,” she said, breathing hard. So was I. It’s a kind of work. Aerobic exercise, to be sure, but work. We both smelled strongly of mingled fluids and sweat, and exhaustion had us fallen back on her feather bed. A comfy bed, really. The sort you read about in romance novels from the middle ages, the clean ones not the ones with plagues and inquisitions and beheadings.

“Hey, can we do that again?” she asked. On her request I felt my parts rise, like magic. It probably was magic. Am I a cleric of the goddess of lust? A pope with a peter? I don’t know. More exercise resulted. Several repetitions, a bath in a copper tub she heated using a magic spell, and a late dinner of cold roast chicken and rolls with butter hand-churned and berry jam for flavor.

“You have a nice house. Nobody has a house like this in Tokyo. There might be some that aspire to this in parts of the world. I’ve seen stuff like this in San Diego, and Ohio, and I’m pretty sure Austria is like this during the summer months. But all told, this is a nice place.”

“Thank you for relieving my stress. I feel better now. How long can you stay?” she asked me.

“I have no idea. I could vanish a moment from now, and I doubt I’ll get any warning,” I admitted.

“How did you get a gig like this?” she asked, curious.

“I accidently messed up a romantic comedy by solving most of the drama using cheat knowledge. Some of it was by sleeping with one of the more interesting antagonist characters. She was my ideal woman, and we were together by the end. Apparently this made things worse and the world went into nuclear war or something. I’m not sure if that’s actually true or if someone else fixed it before disaster struck.”

“Huh. That’s kind of a bummer,” she said on consideration. “You were good for a first time, mine I mean. Good for the second and third too. Will I see you again? Will you drop by?” she requested.

“Just remember to pray to Goddess Kate when the stress gets too much. I should appear soon,” I guessed. It felt true.

It was around this time the ground opened up and swallowed me out of this universe and fell somewhere else.

I came to a stop just before hitting the ground in front of a girl dressed like a bear, riding a bear, next to another bear. She looked surprised, but not worried. At least we were in a forest.

“Hello!” I called out in Japanese.

“Hello,” she answered, staring. I was naked. My clothes were in the last universe.

“By any chance did you just pray for some booty call?” I asked her. She looked slightly embarrassed, but not enough to stop staring at my man-parts, which were rising to the occasion. Despite having been killed recently, I still look like my peak Hayama Hayato, male model body, six pack abs, sculpted muscles, blonde hair, engaging smile and knowing look. I am what women say they want.

“Umm. Yes. I think, possibly, there was a goddess being invoked. I logged into this game and can’t log out. Not sure what’s going on, but I can’t leave, so just live here.”

“Will it shock you to know this sort of thing happens sometime? Ever heard of Log Horizon, or Sword Art Online?” I asked her. She nodded.

“I watched the shows,” she answered, dismounting from the bear, which watched curiously. She started stripping out of her bear suit. She was naked underneath. Not bad looking. Ordinary girl/woman, nothing to be embarrassed about. Probably could stand to put some time into the gym, though I’d be shocked if all this adventuring wasn’t giving her great stamina from the cardio.

“I don’t know if those shows are real places or not. Well, not yet, but it is possible what happened to you isn’t that rare. So apparently your goddess and mine agree that you deserve some male attention.”

“No offense, but you smell like another woman. And I smell like dirty socks myself. I want a bath, with soap. And I insist you get one too,” she ordered. Okay. I can live with that. She picked up her costume and walked into the forest with the bears following. We emerged at a hot spring, conveniently, and found pools cool enough to bathe in, rather than have our skins boiled off. The salts and dissolved minerals did a great job removing smells and the top layer of my skin tingled. I found a cooler pool for a rinse, which improved things. She joined me, her hair up with a couple chop sticks to hold it.

“So were you in college?” I asked her. She nodded.

“How about you?” she asked me.

“Complicated. My most recent life I was a male model attending high school, however the one before that I was nearly graduated from college in Tokyo.”

“So you’re not creepily underage, then?” she confirmed.

“Yeah, I’m mentally in my mid 20’s,” I answered. She looked relieved.

“Hey, wash my back?” she asked, offering me the soap and a washrag. I used them, getting her nice and clean. She washed mine in return and proceeded to trace my muscles after rinsing.

“Umm. Hmm. I don’t want to wait anymore,” she announced. So we got busy next to a wilderness hot spring watched by a couple of bears which didn’t care very much, and probably a few passing birds.

“These pipes are clean!” she shouted after the third time.

“Eh?” I asked.

“Saturday night live. And also Dragnet. Dan Akroyd. I’ve always wanted to say that,” she explained.

“When was that?” I asked her.

“1985? I liked old American TV shows,” she explained, relaxing on some moss and draining fluid from herself. She’ll want another bath, I’m sure.

“Well, the Japanese ones are pretty terrible, to be fair. Other than anime, Japanese TV is awful.”

“I watched some good ones from the late teens that were good. There was one about cute girls camping which was very popular. The entire population of Japan watched the show, and you could buy stuff from it at a bunch of sporting goods stores, some of which were in the show, which was both animated, but also real, based on real places and people. The college me liked camping.”

“I don’t have much choice if there isn’t an inn or a cabin handy,” she explained. “I’ve gotten good at making cooking fires. In the suit I have magic and super strength and armor, but I still take it off for a bath and to sleep, if it’s warm out.”

“So it’s a furry joke supersuit? Like Iron Man, only it’s Bear Woman?” I confirmed with her. She shrugged agreement.

“Pretty much,” she sighed. “I woke up with this in inventory.”

“Oh, I should warn you that I don’t have control when I leave. So far it’s after my lady is satisfied. If you’re still wanting attention, let me know.”

“Don’t you get tired?” she asked me, looking exhausted as she drained onto the lichen below her.

“Of course I get tired. It’s just that one part seems to be magical and recovers on demand. If you want me fully functional, your prayers to the goddess seems to make that happen,” I explained.

“That’s a very specific kind of magic, and very useful to a woman that’s been on a dry spell,” she said.

We did it another time, then bathed clean and rested. I fell out of the world again and back into my own bed at home, sitting bolt upright.

So, apparently the festival food was suspect for that extremely upsetting dream. I messaged Haruno on LINES with my story about offending the goddess of lust and being turned into a gigolo for expat Japanese office ladies. I managed to get back to sleep. The next morning I found an answer from her.

“Poor baby. Tired of me already? Or feeling guilty at all the women making passes at you?” she teased. I promised to spend time with her today.

Weird damned dream. Like that one season of Dallas where there was a trial after JR was shot, ending up in his shower complaining of a weird dream. That’s how real it felt. I honestly feel more sexually experienced. And my abs hurt.