Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ Unsent letters ❯ Mother ( Chapter 1 )

Mother,

 

You know it hurt when you told me I was the unwanted child. Your own flesh and blood, the failed project. Why? Was it because I was born a woman? Or was it the fact I followed his footsteps and not your own? Or was it because I was so different? All these questions that I want the answers to... But I know that you will never tell me.

 

Also makes me feel sad. Angered in the fact that you would trust a... how did you word it Mother? 'No Good Thief' to a child who only strived to make everyone happy. Who was there when you and Father fought? I listened word for word when the two of you argued. You never knew I was sitting at the top of the stairs, my face hidden in a stuffed animal to muffle the sobs as my world crumbled around me. You never read the poetry in my journal that I hid in to avoid stepping on the eggshells scattered about, for fear of setting you off. I learned when I was young, if I had problems, it was better to bottle them up. Who'd I learn it from? You. Think, you never talked... Not to Dad about anything that bothered you. Not to Boo or I about how disapointed you were in us.

 

I really don't blame you for it all though. After all... You learned from your father. The man who at six years old, told me I was garbage because I wanted to be a writer. I hadn't bothered him at all. He had been working in the shop on ceramics while I had been writing on the porch at his house. I remember trying in my limited vocabulary, to describe the swamp by his house, the smells of the black spruce and blueberries... The sounds of the Arctic Squirrels playing in the toothpick branches... And the one man that you told me to always respect, telling me that I'm garbage. Was that what he did to you? Was that why you stopped dancing? I remember hearing from my Aunts that you enjoyed Ballet. Did he make you stop because he thought that it was a waste of time? Was that why you were upset at me when I was older and took no interest in being a cheerleader? Or even taking dance lessons?

 

Each time I turn around, I see more questions that I want to ask you... But I'm afraid to ask, because I know that it'll start another fight. I'm done fighting with you mother. I've left the door open for you to come to me, but it seems like the only time you wish to talk is when I disapoint you. It's okay... I know that I'm myself, and nothing I can do, short of writing those trashy romance novels you love so much, can change what you think of me. I can't write like that, nor do I want to start. I will be taken seriously in everything that I do now, with or without your approval. I'm not going to be looking for your happiness anymore. Now, I'm going to find out who I am, and not hide behind you, Dad, Boo, or anyone else anymore. I'm sorry, but, my life is for me. Not for you to destroy anymore. I will not hide my emotions anymore. I will not allow myself to bottle up my emotions anymore. Though, it's not like you would really care about the feelings of the ones that at one point would have given their lives for you.

 

For me that stopped the day you came into my room asking me if I wanted to go with you for hot chocolate. I bet you're wondering why I told you no. At least the real reason why I told you no. I know I told you that I had a test in the morning and wanted to get some sleep for it, but that's not the reason at all. I said that to get you out of the room. The real reason I stayed is because I knew how much it would hurt dad if I left. Even then he was my true mentor. I know that I don't live up to his expectations. I fall incredibly short of where he thinks I should be. I try, but I fall short because of the doubts that you and your father put in my head. It's one reason I have yet to finish anything I start. Because I'm afraid I do finish it... It'll be a waste of time. But, I didn't want to shatter his heart more than you did. The night you left... I listened. I heard him crying. That was the worst sound I had ever heard in my life, because I know part of him died. And I know who held the knife that twisted into his heart because of that.

 

Part of both of us died that night. And, you will probably never know, because you never seemed interested in anything I did. I mean, I left hints all along, but you seem to like the bold print don't you Mother?

 

I'm sorry, but, without the answers to my questions.. I don't think I can understand fully why you did what you did. Maybe if I did understand you... I would be able to co-exist with you, but we really are too different. I may not be an artist... but I am trying... While, you are always looking for the easiest life.

 

I'm sorry that Dad, Boo and I weren't what you wanted. I'm sorry that Boo and I were hurt when you left and decided to show you our pain by not wanting to be with you when it was convenient for you. I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment because I like to write and I don't want to learn to sew. Or that I need a place to go fishing when I go camping, and that I hate the cold. I'm sorry that I was born a girl instead of the little baby boy that you wanted twenty six years ago. Why can't you accept that? Is it because I made life difficult. I had to. Boo wouldn't stick up for himself at times and I had to fight for him. We didn't exactly grow up in a town that was friendly to civilians you know.

 

And the circle didn't exactly make things easier. It was all boys for the most part. I had to fight then too. So that I wasn't picked on all the time. You didn't know about that though. The only time you seemed worried about it was when Rena and her friend jumped me and I twisted my ankle. You know who won that fight?

 

It wasn't Rena, Mom. I was out numbered and I won. I defended myself even though I got a black eye and sprained ankle. I didn't fight back... I showed them that I wasn't afraid of them. I haven't needed you to fight my battles for me since I was a baby. Yes, I'm emotional, that kind of throws some people off when I get upset, but, you know what, for the most part, I keep my cool. Hell, I haven't gotten into a fist fight in a year now. Came close last night. If my house-mate's soon to be ex kept it up, I would have knocked him out. But I kept my cool. More than I could say for you. I learned to talk through problems. I've learned to listen, even though it doesn't seem like I am. I hear everything. Like when I was a child. I can describe what happened in every fight you and Dad had.

 

I remember you sending your dad to the one show I was in in grade school. I remember watching the crowd hoping you would make it and being disappointed. I knew why Dad couldn't make it, but you weren't doing anything then.

 

I also remember the lies you told me when we went to get the prom dress when Jim asked me to prom. Yeah, you were going to try to patch things up with dad.... Was that before or after you started sleeping with my step-dad? Bet that started when I was young too. Was he the reason you couldn't make it to my play? Because he was more important? I know you went to everything my brother was in. You always gloated about how fine an actor my brother would make. It's kind of sorry when the older sibling has to try to live up to the younger's 'fame'. You didn't even look at my photography when I was interested in that. Dad took interest. I think he hoped that I would be better at it than he is.

 

Guess all I'm saying is wish you had paid more attention when it was worth the time. Now it's a little late to be making up for lost time. I mean Boo had my number, all you had to do was ask. Or ask him to ask Dad for it. I know I could have called more, but you know what... I gave up trying to be the perfect little girl you wanted a long time ago. About the time I stopped being the pretty little flower girl in blue. I think that was about the same time that you cut my hair to that gods awful page cut. You know... I loved the long hair mom. If you had taken the time to teach me how to braid it when I was little.. I don't think it had to be cut. But you didn't want to teach me anything really.

 

And there are some things that a mother should teach a daughter that I had to actually learn about my looking them up in a book. Then there's the loss of interest during the last vacation we had as a family. You know the whole reason I went on that trip was to go to the San Diego Zoo. The one thing that I really wanted to do, and you said no, because you didn't want to walk around the zoo all day. The Anchorage Zoo is a poor excuse of a zoo, their wild cat exhibit is what, two bengal tigers and one siberian... I wanted to see panthers, lions.. and other animals that can't live in the harsh envioronment of Alaska. I mean I could go outside at anytime to look at moose. I walked between the cow and calf a few times on the way home from school. I've seen fox tracks, bear tracks, hell even owls and cranes. Would it have been so hard to humor me once?

 

once your daughter

Nicky