Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ Valley Quest ❯ LLE Assoc. ( One-Shot )

“This is the forty fifth meeting of the Lois Lane Empathy Support Group. Minutes from last meeting mostly pertain to consequences of recent events and welcoming new members to our group. Founder Tenchi Masaki opening statement.”

“We each have our own stories, and our experiences as merely human beings with super powered girlfriends or wives. Sometimes both. We share our experiences and feelings in a manly and forthright way despite the frequent humiliation associated with being rescued from situations we probably would not face if our girlfriends weren’t super powered.”

“This last week my wife Ryoko, who has watched me grow up and been my Best Girl Next Door since I was a toddler has had some bouts of temper that broke one of the main beams in the house. I had to ask Washu for assistance to repair the damages without demolishing the house. And she insisted on some personal attention in exchange. As she is also my wife, I complied, and then she used gravity repellors and some kind of epoxy and a construction mecha to repair the damage to the house. Ryoko was angry about her mother stepping in just because she’s pregnant and had a little accident, but I have to consider the needs of the whole household, specifically the house standing up. I had to spend several days comforting Ryoko due to this complication and she’s been following me around and peeking at me from trees and bushes. She’s over there right now,” he said, pointing to a person in a trenchcoat and hat and sunglasses in the corner of the dimly lit sports bar, the only sports bar in town, and one of the original businesses that survived Abe-nomics. Tenchi passed on the talking stick to Kyon, who insisted on joining the group because his harem was also superpowered.

“This last week I accidentally time travelled with Big Asahina and she turned it into a romantic getaway for the two of us. To be fair, she’s a MILF, and I’m probably married to her in the future and this didn’t actually take time away from work here, so it was a free vacation, but Haruhi gets really angry when I get back from these trips. She just knows, somehow. And she’s so very jealous. When you’re dating a jealous god, things can get really scary,” he said. There were a lot of nods from the men at the table. Chise’s husband agreed with this.

We had a new guy, who commuted via teleport ring, from a city in the South where his wife was a fire elemental who took the form of a hot high school girl with big boobs. She was frequently emotionless, but affectionate and protective and referred to him as her Princess. This was emasculating.

“She carries me around in her arms when I have to get rescued, and I’m trying to hold onto my masculinity. I’m grateful I don’t get hurt in these altercations, but I gather that’s probably part of the package. It’s harder dealing with all the female attention, since so much of it is both cute and violent girls. I always thought my Popular Period would be something a lot less frightening,” said the new guy. Honoka or something. Usually a girl’s name, but this was unmistakably a guy. Even had pointy hair, a clear sign of Protagonist syndrome. He passed on the talking stick to another young man, fresh out of high school.

“I used to think my wife was pretty normal, just sweet and mostly kind. After that Gate incident I learned she had superpowers. She and her sister used to tease me that men never question suddenly becoming popular. I never realized that was a special curse. One of our friends is a chess grand master. Beat Deep Blue, twice, once after it got a major upgrade. She can’t cook, but she has seven older brothers who dote on her. She leaves messages in my shoes. Inside my house. I still don’t know how she gets in. I’m really afraid she’s sneaking in and watching me sleep. My wife is just perfect, though a bit obsessed with sweets and managing her weight. I think she’s wonderful as she is, but even mentioning her curves makes her furious. It used to be she’d pour tea on my head, or be too attentive, but lately she’s been breaking doors. I’m afraid she’s gained ogress strength. Her sister used to bite people when she was angry, and often acted like a cat. One of the maids came with us, to our home, to look after the home and make sure I don’t take unwanted liberties with my wife. Which is a bit overbearing because we are married. And it’s not a huge house. So she just kind of looms. I’m not sure if she’s the mother or the clone. They look identical and don’t age, and both will spin if I asked them, and both ride the same model Harley Davidson motorcycle, even wearing the full maid skirts. I try to cope. I really do. My wife is lovely and very sweet.” He passed on the talking stick to the next man.

“I met my wife while working at a family restaurant in Hokkaido. She was an ogress, like I said. She used to hit me. She was afraid of men. Her father trained her to fear us, using Pavlov’s techniques, so her violence was a reflex. I was a martial arts master and could absorb the blows so I didn’t die, and being around her was like training so I only got stronger. When she realized she loved me yet couldn’t stop hitting me because of her father’s training it really tore at her, and it was a couple of years of effort before she could stop. She crushed concrete light poles with her bare hands, hugging them in fear. One guy who liked her kept bothering her, and I had to beat him to stop it. He was really surprised because he was a Karate black belt, but my older sister teaches self-defense professionally, when she isn’t drinking herself stupid, and I was the test dummy for the last decade. It’s a relief to be here away from those who just couldn’t stop interfering in our marriage. The hardest thing was I had to let go of my little sister and my hopes she would grow up to be a nice person. She’s like my other sisters. My hope was in vain. My wife and I find ways to be together, though her moods can be brutal,” he said, nursing a black eye with an icepack. He passed on the talking stick.

“My wife had a really scary smile when I first met her. I worked in that restaurant a couple years after you did. You probably noticed how pale she is. She can see the dead, and talks to them. And that was before the Gate incident. Now she’s able to speak and interact with long dead spirits and teenage suicides and ancient tragic lovers and wandering samurai ghosts from forgotten battles. It can get quite crowded in the house. I promised to love and cherish her and I mean it, but its turned my hair white. And I’m only 26.” He passed it on to his friend.

“My wife is genki, but she’s an accidental poisoner. Any food she tries to cook turns to poison, almost spontaneously. This is difficult but as long as I’m the only one who cooks the children are fine. They’ve developed a strong resistance to poison though, because even snacks she makes or serving portions of prepared foods becomes at least mildly poisonous. As a superpower its specific and annoying, but its not like she’s trying to do that. It just happens. Since the Gate opened she learned that she’s got a simultaneous incarnation who knew one or both of the magical girls from Chiba, the one who is our mayor now. I can tell things are awkward between them because the mayor really doted on her brother, and the alternate incarnation badly hurt his feelings when they were in school together and sort of broke his mind so things are prickly between them. And now that the older version is living in the large manor on the eastern edge of town, he’s trying really hard to be extra polite to her and me to make up for his sister’s harshness, and all these alternates and souls being blamed for what other incarnations do. Its really hard to keep up with. I feel like the politics are too complicated. Investing is relatively easy, compared to how women treat each other.”

“Isn’t your investment broker that one blonde unwed mother who chain smokes?” asked Tenchi.

“Ah, actually she’s the proxy. It’s actually her daughter. She’s some kind of genius with money. She was a millionaire by the time she was two and half. She does portfolio management. We pay her, she makes us rich,” he said. The other fellow from Wagnaria agreed with this assessment. They passed on the talking stick.

Chise’s husband took it finally. “Being married has its ups and downs. My wife really wants to have children. We’ve been visiting Washu for help with overcoming the inherent difficulties. My wife was crying when I first met her, and we fell in love, and if not for the durability of being her spouse I would have died a long time ago. We had a lot of obstacles before reaching this place and safety. The peace and quiet, and the chance to be around other people who are kind and understanding, it’s a real boon to us, and her welfare. The most important thing I think I can do for her is be there and help her feel loved and normal.” He passed the talking stick back to Tenchi who finished up with summary of the meeting and ending the event. The men finished their drinks and drifted out.

A short time later, Tenchi was seen being carried off by a flying woman with a tail.