Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Ball-Licky-Licky! ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three: Ball-Licky-Licky!

 

[The camera cuts to another dramatic aerial sweep, this time it's of Skull Island from King Kong {Author's Note: Just you try and tell me that isn't the exact same freaking island! Apparently, the whole budget was drained into making Rouge's boobs defy gravity, so here we are on Skull Island}. The camera zooms down towards a small bridge over which Sonic is being carried by a bunch of natives, who with all fairness, are hideous looking beyond all reason. Sonic, its worth mentioning is tied to a stake. He is quickly propped over a fire to appease the natives' god: Knuckles the Echidna.]

 

Native #1: (absolutely nonsensical baby talk gibberish)

 

Knuckles: Ahh.

 

Sonic: Knuckles! Knuckles, oh my God man, I am so happy to see you!

 

[Knuckles stands up from his throne and walks over to Sonic.]

 

Knuckles: Isthay, adieslay andway entlegay ativesnay, isway away

etardedray edgehoghay!

 

Sonic: You're not making sense!

 

Natives: Oooh. (Nonsense)!

 

Sonic: Dude, tell them to let me down…

 

Knuckles: Ethay oorpay oybay ashay onay allsbay. Ehay ouldn'tcay

easureplay away yflay ithway ishay iserablemay anlymay itsbay!

 

Natives: Itsbay!

 

[Knuckles starts to walk back to his throne.]

 

Sonic: Dude, if you just said what I think you said, then you're an ass!

 

Knuckles: Udeday, at'swhay itway attermay? E'veway alreadyway eterminedday

atthay ou'veyay otgay onay angway!

 

Sonic: Oh my God, just give me that damn compass of yours!

 

[Knuckles turns back to Sonic.]

 

Knuckles: Anmay, opstay eingbay ealousjay...ustjay ecausebay I'mway

icetway asway unghay asway ouyay isway onay easonray otay ebay

itterbay. Ball-licky-licky!

 

Natives: Ball-licky-licky!

 

Sonic: They're going to kill Rouge! And me! What the hell did you tell them?!

 

Natives: Ball-licky-licky!

 

[The natives carry the screaming Sonic away as they chant “Ball-licky-licky” {Author's Note: I swear to God, that's what it says in the script!} and Knuckles returns to his throne. The scene cuts back to the jail cells of Port Royale. Rouge is crouched in one corner of her cell, while a bunch of prisoners in another whistle and claw at the air near her.]

 

Prisoner #1: Oh come on, we don't bite!

 

Prisoner #2: Much!

 

Prisoner #1: Unless you're into that!

 

Prisoner #3: Aww, come on! We ain't been laid in months!

 

Prisoner #2: Take it all off!

 

Prisoner #4: (drooling) Great googly gazoombas!

 

Rouge: Will you guys shut up?!

 

Prisoner #1: Only if you get nekkid!

 

Rouge: And if I do, you guys will shut up?

 

Prisoners: Yes.

 

Rouge: Fine! But I expect silence from now on!

 

[The prisoners nod appreciatively. Rouge gets up and turns her back to them she undoes the wedding gown and it slumps to the floor. The prisoners lean forward appreciatively. Whatever Rouge is still wearing is black and lacy. Rouge wiggles her butt at the prisoners, who are like, this close to having total meltdowns. She reaches behind her back for the bra straps, and starts to undo the-]

 

G-Man: WHAT THE HELL?!

 

[Rouge twists to see what's happening. The shockwaves from her jiggling rack almost makes her lose her bra, but she catches it quickly and covers herself back up in the dress. The prisoners slump back against the wall, groaning in frustration {Author's Note: It's okay if you are too. I totally did not write it this way on purpose {Author's Note's Note: HAHA!}}.]

 

G-Man: Jes-s-sus-s-s, I didn't rais-s-se my daughter to be a (swallow) whore!

 

Prisoner #1: Yes you did! Take it off!

 

G-Man: (turns and glares at the prisoners) This is where you get off…

 

Prisoner #2: If only! I got a hard-on like you wou-

 

[A flash of light envelopes the room. When the light readjusts to normal, the prisoners are gone, and the G-Man adjusts his tie.]

 

G-Man: Now get dres-s-sed. We're (swallow) leaving.

 

[Rouge quickly slips back into the wedding gown.]

 

Rouge: What do you mean “leaving”?

 

G-Man: I s-s-still have s-s-some (swallow) authority with the King.

 

Rouge: So, you don't trust Sonic to find Knuckles?

 

G-Man: It's-s-s not that I don't trus-s-st him…actually, it is-s-s. Let's-s-s (swallow) move!

 

Rouge: But Sonic will be hanged if I leave!

 

G-Man: Better him than (swallow) you.

 

[The G-Man slides a key into the barred door, and pulls Rouge out. The scene cuts to outside the prison, as the G-Man pushes Rouge into a carriage and then he gets at the driver's seat (if they call that the driver's seat) and the carriage sets off through the streets of Port Royale. Finally, the bouncing carriage {Author's Note: On account of the roads, not Rouge's chest} reaches the docks. The G-Man jumps off, and is about to rendezvous with Captain About-to-Die, when he (About-to-Die) gets totally shanked.]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Oh, I'm so sorry Governor G-Man, but it appears he just died. And he was carrying a note from you to the king about your daughter…

 

[Redcoats pour out from everywhere and head towards the carriage.]

 

G-Man: No!

 

[The redcoats bust the carriage open…but Rouge is gone!]

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Where on earth could she have gone?! It's not like she can just fly away!

 

Redcoat 1: Well, she's got wings, so technically, she could.

 

Creepy Shanker Guy: Somebody shank him!

 

[The camera cuts to the darkened interior of the East India Trading Company headquarters. Shadow walks through the room, holding a lantern. He reaches the chest from earlier {Author's Note: Mind. Out. Of. The. Gutter} and opens it. The Letters of Marque are gone!]

 

Shadow: Well, it would seem that someone has been prowling in my office…

 

[Rouge walks out of the shadows {Author's Note: Hehe…punny!} and into view.]

 

Rouge: You really are as smart as they say…

 

Shadow: Well, I'm sure by now that your father has discovered that loyalty is no longer the currency of the realm.

 

Rouge: Well, if that isn't what is?

 

Shadow: (turns around) Currency is now the currency of the realm. And that's no joke. That's my exact line from the movie. In any case, since you're still here, I presume you wish to negotiate. I'm listening.

 

Rouge: I have another currency for you…oh dear, it appears my top is starting to slip. However will it contain these large breasts?

 

Shadow: I am listening very intently.

 

Rouge: Right. These Letters of Marque are signed by the King, right?

 

Shadow: Indubitably. But they aren't valid until I sign them.

 

Rouge: You do know that compass won't get you anywhere?

 

Shadow: Do explain.

 

Rouge: I've been to that island…the gold there isn't worth it.

 

Shadow: Ahh, so you think I am after the chest of Aztec gold. No, there is more than one chest of value in these waters…you'll have to make a better offer.

 

Rouge: Another chest of value? Oh dear, my poor bra is being overwhelmed my boobs. I don't know how long it will hold…

 

[Shadow grabs the Letters of Marque and quickly signs them. He hands them back to Rouge, shaking.]

 

Shadow: Now, for the love of God, either get naked, or leave my office!

 

[Rouge runs out of sight.]

 

Shadow: Dammit, they always go with option two…they never get naked…

 

[The scene cuts again. A small rowboat is puttering along in the water. On board are two former undead pirates, the comedy duo from the first film: Megabyte and Cervantes! Cervantes is reading a Bible, which is held upside down.]

 

Megabyte: You know, reading that isn't going to get your soul into heaven. You already bonded twice with the Soul Edge.

 

Cervantes: Arr, arr arr arr. Arr!

 

Megabyte: The bloody thing's upside down! And you can't read anyways!

 

Cervantes: (hangs head) Arrr…

 

Megabyte: I'm sorry. It's just that you can't fool God by pretending to read the Bible.

 

Cervantes: Arr? Arr, arr, arr, arr arr arr!

 

Megabyte: Seriously, I have no idea what you're saying. I'm just trying to imagine what you're saying so I can carry on a conversation and not go stark-raving mad.

 

Cervantes: Arr!

 

[A large wave capsize the rowboat and washes the two ashore. They stand up and gaze at the imposing bulk of the Black Pearl.]

 

Megabyte: So…

 

Cervantes: Arr! Arr! ARR!

 

Megabyte: Yeah. God would be upset if we didn't take it…

 

[Drums echo in the dee-shit, again. Drums echo across the island.]

 

Cervantes: Arr?

 

Megabyte: And the faster we take this boat, the better for our souls…

 

[The camera cuts to Knuckles' throne on the island. A native gives him a necklace of toes.]

 

Knuckles: Sweet. This totally goes with my belt!

 

[Sure enough, his belt is made with fingers. The camera cuts to a weird ball dangling off the side off a cliff. Do yourself a favor and watch the movie so I don't have to describe this scene. Sonic is in one of the balls, along with Gordon, Boris, Arthas, a random midget, and some other crewperson. The other ball is filled with expendable extras.]

 

Sonic: Any reason why Knuckles is doing this? Besides the usual case of the retard?

 

Boris: I dunno…they made him their god.

 

Arthas: And that comes with the benefit package! He gets free jewelry. I bet it looks awesome…

 

Boris: Right. But the thing is, they have a tendency to light their gods on fire. He's gonna burn like a small Russian village on New Year's.

 

Sonic: Somehow, my biggest regret is not that I'm going to die here, but that I won't get to see Knuckles turned into a pot-luck supper. Actually, we're not going to let that happen!

 

Random Midget: I smell pee!

 

[Long, awkward pause.]

 

Sonic: Alright, fine, one of the natives leapt out of a tree at me. I may have lost control of my bladder.

 

Some Other Crewperson: *cough*Baby*cough*

 

Boris: You may? What, did you wet yourself voluntarily?

 

Sonic: THIS TOPIC IS FINISHED!