CSI - Series Fan Fiction ❯ "Am I Gay?" Self Examination ❯ One-Shot
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Jodine16 
David Hodges walked into the break room and stopped when he saw a memo taped to the cupboard next to the coffee machine.
Non Anime: CSI - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Shounen / Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.21.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.1K | Visits: 2.6K | Status: Completed
David Hodges walked into the break room and stopped when he saw a memo taped to the cupboard next to the coffee machine.
Non Anime: CSI - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Shounen / Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 09.21.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.1K | Visits: 2.6K | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. It is owned by Bruckheimer Productions. This is a not-for-profit story for entertainment purposes only.
Warning: HOMOSEXUEL HUMOR!! If you can't handle this, or you don't have a sense of humor, you better get lost! Also, implied Male/Male/Male relationship!
Jodine16: my comments
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“Am I Gay?” Self Examination
David Hodges walked into the break room and stopped when he saw a memo taped to the cupboard next to the coffee machine. Sara and Jacqui were standing nearby snickering as they read it. He noticed Warrick sitting at the table eating his lunch while looking at a report, clearly ignoring the two females. Jacqui spotted him and her humorous face turned into a mock-serious expression. “You better read this, Hodges, it's very important.”
“So important it has you two giggling like 8th graders?” He sneered.
Jacqui pulled him over. “Just read it.”
Raising an eyebrow, David shrugged his arm out of her grip. His other eyebrow rose with the first one when he saw the title.
“Am I Gay?” Self-Examination
The trace tech couldn't help but rolled his eyes as he read the sheet over.
GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION. HERE ARE (8) NEED TO KNOW FACTS
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on barbequeribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim milk" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on barbequeribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim milk" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.
-Thank you for your co-operation!
“Well, this just proves what I said about Sanders,” David said, getting a cup of coffee.
“Which is…?” Sara trailed off.
“He spends so much time going on about fashion, he's a -and I quote- `Gaylord,'” David drawled, as Greg and Grissom came in. “Ah, and His Highness is making his entrance now.”
“The lab has a zero-tolerance for homophobic comments, Hodges,” Grissom said, sitting next to Warrick.
Greg cut David off before he could say anything. “Actually, I don't take the comment as a homophobic on, but more like a compliment. Besides, everyone knows how incredibly gay I am,” Greg added, dramatically. “And my gay-ness became even more apparent when I became a CSI.”
Warrick grinned, catching on. “Maybe you should become gay, Hodges.”
David choked on his coffee. “What?”
“Warrick had a point, I mean, what kind of girl likes moody, narcissist men with a lousy sense of humor all most every day of the year?” Greg said, leaning against the counter.
“Girls with exquisite taste,” David replied. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I have important trace samples that desire my attention.” The gray-speckled brunet left, ignoring the poorly stifled giggles from Jacqui and Sara.
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Warrick's house
“I'm glad you don't take Greg's or my advice to heart,” Warrick said, as David lied down on the same couch as him. He flopped his legs across the CSI's lap as he opened a beer.
“Why don't you want me to be an over-exuberant, raging gay man, who's constantly going on about the latest fashion from Paris?” David said with mock-hurt in his voice. “And also owns a cat?”
Warrick massaged one of his lover's feet. “No, that's what Greg's for.”
“What am I for?”
David smirked, as the younger man came over with a bottle of cola in hand and sat down between him and Warrick. “Stress-relief.”
Greg scowled, though both men could see the humor in his brown eyes. “Gee, thanks for making me feel like a whore.”
“More like a bed slave because we don't share you with others,” Warrick said, moving his hands from David's feet to Greg's stomach.
“Flaming homo, bed slave?”
David leaned over to nibble on his ear. “Absolutely.”
“Good.”
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Jodine16: My best friend sent me an email called “Am I Gay?” Self-Examination, and POOF! A bunny bit me. All credit goes to the dude/tte who came up with this funny examination.