D. N. Angel Fan Fiction ❯ Thoughtless Silence and Closed Doors ❯ One-Shot

A/N: So it was twenty after three in the morning, and I started humming a song that I hadn't heard in probably a year, that only came back to me because of my lack of sleep. When I got to the chorus, I started whispering the lyrics, and, in my semi-psycho state, I somehow realized that it was somewhat fitting for dear Sato-san (in respect to his relationship with Krad). And thus, the result - this!

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Thoughtless Silence and Closed Doors

Have you ever listened to silence, and thought that there was something missing? Probably not. When there is silence, one usually resigns to listening to what their thoughts have to say, for there is always noise in the head, lest we all be driven mad by the quiet times. I can honestly say though, that I break this mold, and that it is, in fact, possible for me to listen to silence and have absolutely no thoughts running through my head. I can also say that I have listened to my own thoughts and realized that every so often there would be an involuntary quiet where all my thoughts lapse into silence and wait. I didn't even realize I was waiting until I realized that what I had been waiting for wasn't coming. The extra voice in my head - the one that had taken to humming love songs and whispering thoughts that shouldn't be said aloud - was gone. Instead of giving its usual commentary on what I was thinking about, and especially who I was thinking about, there was dead silence. Dead silence.

By now, it's plain for me to see that this isn't something I can fix in a flash, and breaking this habit will take time. Until then I will just have to live with the missing sound and the momentary breaks. And I can just imagine, me, sitting on my bed and being as dead to the world as a corpse for a few seconds every day…it's worse than when I wake up. At least when I wake up my mind is already functioning and I can have some time to run over the events of yesterday or the plans for the coming day; it's just my blood that has to start flowing and my circulation that has to come back. Then again, whether or not it's a good thing that I am forced to spend nearly a half an hour soul searching depends on what train of thought I start out on. If I start out on the `school lunch' train, perhaps I can do alright, but if I start out on the `Niwa Daisuke' train, then my chances of surviving without some sort of repetitive emotional damage are shot.

I've lost my mind…? Yes, I probably have. And Krad was the one that I lost it to, too. He would play games with me sometimes and bet me for control of my thoughts. He would play and joke and try to get me to acknowledge him. And I would ignore him until his lovely voice would finally make me lose any and all trains of thought from the real world. He'd chant silently over and over and echo himself until I would start to think it was my own thoughts saying those things. And finally he would repeat want he wanted me to hear so many times that I would acknowledge that I heard him purely to make him stop telling me. But then again, acknowledgement was all he wanted, and as soon as I let on that I knew he was there, I had passed the point of no return and his voice was an unstoppable force in my head.

He liked to toy with the things I kept shut away in dark corners. In my mind was a long corridor with many doors and no windows. In the front, right near the entrance was all the doors that could easily be opened for everyday usage, but the farther back you traveled the more doors that would be locked and black. Krad used to play the game where I would chase him down that hall as he appeared ahead of me laughing and holding up the rung of keys to my doors. He would move to a locked door and he would unlock it and chuckle lightly at what he would find inside, as I waded through it. I would stop to catch my breath after every door, and Krad would keep moving on to the next door, not waiting to see if I could handle it.

His favorite doors to go back to, time and again, were the doors labeled `Niwa' and `Harada'. Krad couldn't get enough of watching me suffer whenever I had to look in those rooms and see what I had stored away from myself. Of course, when he was finally finished, and I was so mentally tired that I could barely think straight (or at all, if I was lucky), he would swoon over me and tell me that he loved me and needed me and that I mattered. He would wrap his arms around me and hold me and tell me that no one else mattered; only me. That Daisuke was nothing, Risa was nothing, and that he was the only one that would be there for me. Of course, I was so wound down that, what choice did I have but to stay still with his arms around my waist? Sometimes, he would weaken me to the point that, by the time he was ready to murmur his lies in my ear, I was practically leaning back against him for support. He liked that. Yes, he especially liked that.

My eating? He never chided me like a mother would a child; like I ought to eat because it was good for my health, but he would instead look on at the day through my eyes and idly laugh at the fact that I denied my body nutrients. He would just say that my antics were out of pure stupidity, and that he would think that someone of my level of intelligence would have figured out to feed myself correctly. Now, if I didn't eat, I had low blood pressure, and if I had low blood pressure, then Krad would get to have an entire half an hour to either sit and listen to some of my most personal thoughts, or a half an hour's time to purr sweet little things that I didn't believe into my head. If you ever wondered what it was like to be brainwashed, I'll tell you. You sit alone and have someone else's thoughts invade your thought process, rendering nearly impossible to complete a sentence. I'd know. I lived through it every morning.

But then again, Krad didn't really care about the strength (or lack thereof) in my body either way. The weaker I was the easier it would be for him to take control (if ever given the opportunity). Why would he ever object?

And now the reasons for my social withdrawal are all out on the table. The less emotion I have for people, the less Krad has to break my mental defenses with. The stronger I am mentally, the more likely that Krad wouldn't be able to take control. But then again, if I didn't have emotions at all, Krad wouldn't get the chance to come out anyway. See how perfect it could have been if the damned boy Niwa and Harada-san had not been involved? Not that I would ever be given peace either way, Krad would still have been in my head, but at least that would have been the extent of his hold over me.

Niwa and Harada-san…that's a puzzle if I've ever seen one. A real question.

Do I love either of them? (See, that was kind of a voluntary pause, because I was waiting for Krad to unlock those doors for me so that I could try to assess my feelings for them. I forgot that I have to do it for myself.) It's kind of hard to say if I'm in love…for one thing I try not to think about it. For another, I'm not one of those people that was born knowing what `love' is. Why did I pick Harada-san? Because there is something I feel when I think too deeply about her that isn't one of my normal, discarded emotions. It is one of the only emotions that has ever gotten through all the barriers I put around myself due to Krad. And it's driving me mad. I know it's not a negative feeling (yes, I've allowed myself those), but what in Hell could it be if it were strong enough for me to be effected by it?! I'm not an impulsive person; I don't just randomly reach out and touch people, or play with someone's hair on whim. So why her? God only knows. It can't just be that I find her interesting, I wouldn't think about her like I do if she were just another subject for study, right? Why ask me, it's not like I would ever know. What's love? Hell if I ever figure that out. I just go by whoever triggered my transformation. That was my `love' gauge. Who was it that made me transform into Krad? Easy, Niwa Daisuke. Though I wonder now, that if I thought of Harada Risa now, would I transform? I have not even the slightest clue. I never had a clue back then either - about when I would change, that is.

I remember being on the lighthouse…capturing Dark…and standing there in triumph as I watched Niwa crumble in defeat. He was weak and helpless, and I barely heard it, but the boy was gasping out my name. As if I could save him. Oh, how far from reality. I didn't even realize my feelings had changed before I realized that my body had.

If I hadn't noticed that I had fallen in `love' with Niwa, how would I know what it is I feel for Harada-san? I never have the answers. I never did. Is it stronger than what I have for Niwa? Hell, I used to not even have any feelings at all. Now I need to figure out how strong my feelings are compared to each other? No, that's too much work. I was never a slacker, I mean I've been through college without breaking a sweat, but I never had to fuck with emotions, before either. I've never shirked my work, but I'm not about to face up to feelings that I don't want to have (not to mention that I don't understand), if I'm not being forced to.

That's what Krad was for. He was the one that made me look my puny emotions in the eye for all they were worth before he'd ever close those doors. He'd let me get wash out with the floodgate before he'd wring me out and dry me off. Just as long as he got to taunt me and love me at the same time.

There was a professor that I had in my junior year at the university, and there wasn`t really any specific reason for which he stood out, but he caught my attention simply because - when you see someone five days a week for over a half an hour at a time, you tend to pay them attention. Now this professor was sometimes bright, moderately strict, and always bald. Quite bald, actually. But that's beside the point. The purpose of my mentioning this professor of mine was that he once said to me, “People always say `I know what I like.' But really, they should say `I like what I know.' People like what they know, and don't like what they don't know. Not vise versa.” Those words are true. Don't believe me? I'm all the proof you should need.

It's the reason Krad chose the doors he chose every time we went tripping. Every single time, he would find the door that I stuffed all my thoughts and feelings on Niwa to, and to the door that I shoved all my thoughts and feelings regarding Ris-- Harada-san. Every. Single. Time. That's what he put me through. And then he comforted me…and I thanked him. I thanked him for being there, as I would fall asleep. And in the morning, I would fight for my blood to start pumping strong enough so that I could feel my toes, or move my fingers and I wouldn't have to hear Krad go on about how I was `everything.' Well he was a liar. And he told me that I was the only one that mattered. And that's only true for him. Only because he had no one else. But…

Now that he's gone, the one thought that I can't keep myself from thinking, on those nights when I am on the brink of sleep and yet not yet there, is that the one lie that he told me everyday was that he would be there for me forever. But he's not here…he's gone isn't he? See, I'm opening the doors all by myself now.

 

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A/N: Ok, this is my first DNA fic, and I'm really worried about how it turned out. Call it a first-time evolution on my part. The fact that some things that I didn't plan to happen happened could make this either a one-of-a-kind stroke of genius, or just a unique train wreck.

 

And General Notes:

 

1.) If you didn't like the pauses, I'm sorry. It was early morning, something happened, and I just ran with it. The concept, I guess, is like eggnog. You either like it, or you don't. You either run with it, or you drop it like it's on fire (Like V.M. for you , Hosaki).

 

2. The professor - I do have a bald instructor, and his name is Dr. B. He did actually say that. I tried to quote him as accurately as possible. Thanks B!

 

3. My use of the word `tripping.' It's a term used to say that someone is on LSD, or is `taking a trip through their mind.' They are exploring their mind.

 

4. The lyrics to the chorus of `Pepper,' my inspiration. It's somewhat obscure (I guess) and it's by a band called Butt Hole Surfers (were you wondering why it was obscure?).

 

I don't mind the Sun sometimes;

the images it shows.

I can taste you on my lips,

and smell you in my clothes.

Cinnamon and Sugary

and softly spoken Lies.

You never know just how you look

through other people's eyes.