Death Note Fan Fiction / Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ Apology. ❯ Chapter 1

„Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?"
Silence, that was interrupted just by the raindrops, which were falling into puddles on the roof and on our clothes. I was watching them dripping off Ryuzaki's hair. He was standing in a short distance from me and I wanted to run away from him, from the truth he said and from his reasoned accusations about me being the mass killer Kira. At the same time I felt like wanting getting closer to him, so close that I could squeeze him in my arms and shelter him from the rain, which was mercilessly making his face wet. That face with the most sincere expression I've ever seen on him. I felt his emotions, as if they were conducted through the water in the air, like an electricity. And I wanted to get even closer. Under his skin, to his heart. What an absurd wish of one absurd man.
Despite my feelings, I knew it was important to answer his question. My mouth wanted to say completely different words, though. „What are you talking about, Ryuzaki?" I want you. „Of course I do lie, sometimes." I love you. „Everyone lies." I love you. „Who would ever live his life without telling a single lie? It's natural." Please, don't die.
I have lied even now. There were other thoughts, things I wanted him to know.
I couldn't tell him. It was too late to do so.
He glared at me with a smile sad enough to make me want to scream. I took a breath to told him the things I wanted, I really tried. But I couldn't.
„I thought you'd say that." I could feel there were also different words, hidden behind it. I knew they were there but I couldn't hear them. I wanted so bad to inquire if that's all he wanted to ask me. I almost did that. But before I gained the courage, he told me we're going back. And I missed the chance.
Again.
I missed everything I could have saved, again. And now he's going to die, he'll leave me here with all the unspoken words as with the worst punishment he could ever given to me. He would tell me I deserve it. Yeah, probably. But that didn't stop my desire. It urged me, that as long as we're here, in our world, where raindrops are connecting us and making us the only existing beings, and as long as he was slowly going away but wasn't gone yet, I still had the chance.
I ran after him and spontaneously, as thousand times practiced act in my dreams, as the most natural thing, I steepled my hands beneath those of his and pressed his wet back onto Kira's chest. I opened my mouth to tell him something, or even just whisper, but I still didn't know what to say. I even didn't know how to justify what I just did. I just wanted to hold him, save him from dying and stay with him here, in our own world without L and without Kira.
So I was expecting Ryuzaki to be the one who'd talk first. I was expecting him to pull me away and ruin the moment with speech about mass murderer and time which has expired. That was what I deserved. That might be even what I wanted him to do. To hurt me so I would live on with my justice, without any regrets and unfulfilled desires. It seemed like young Yagami didn't know, for the very first time in his life, what he really wanted.
The drenched man I attacked wriggled out from me. But not to leave quietly or to tell me with his usual phlegmatic tone that I should pull myself together. He made me let go of him just so he would be able to hug me back himself and destroy all my hopes about saving my clear conscience. I didn't know where the warm drops on my cheeks were coming from, because all the raindrops were painfully ice-cold until now. Finally, I managed to talk, to say one word, that couldn't save neither me or him. One word without meaning and yet explaining all the emotions and thoughts I couldn't express any other way.
„Idiot."
Ryuzaki then dug his fingers into my back, painfully enough to make me squeeze him more, and gently enough to make me love him even more. In this sole physical moment I realized it was wrong. Even though I didn't miss the last chance. It was wrong, because it meant the end of everything we've been through and everything we could never experience at the same time.
It meant I finally admitted to myself that this is the last time.
„Kira." He got me back.
The last time I'm Light Yagami.