Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Eggshells and Hand-Grenades ( Chapter 9 )

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 9: Eggshells and Hand-Grenades)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Ch.8 was updated. I apologize for the grammatical errors and word abuse. I jump between googledocs and MSword and email and save multiple versions (after losing whole chapters you'd be neurotic too) and the wrong one got posted Instead of my edited one. FORGIVE ME. Great, now I feel too stupid to write D.N. as I was going to this morning. Bfksgfu. Anyway… new chapter have fun. ^^
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Chapter 9:


The minimalist ring cut out approximately 15 seconds after it commenced, silenced by the abrupt jab of a thumb as Light answered his phone.

"LIGHT. Where in the hell are you?? Your mother is about ready to go into convulsions." Light winced as his father's barely toned down voice bit sharply into his ear. "You said you were coming straight home, and it's almost 1 a.m.!"

Shit. He hadn't even thought of that in the past several hours... Light glanced over at L. They were just leaving the restaurant, and the mood had deteriorated exceptionally. If it was any indication - L had forgone not one dessert, but TWO. Yes, a heavy cloud had descended indeed. Family had been the absolute last thing on his mind as he had been focused on handling this new interaction with the dark-haired detective.

It seemed like an infinitely long time ago since he had cornered L in the bathroom, though it was actually only a matter of hours.

"LIGHT, are you there?!"

"Yes... father." What was he supposed to say when his father demanded an explanation? Weeks ago, assisting Ryuuzaki with the investigation would have been a properly received excuse. But now... with his father riding his ass about his or L's possible feelings towards one another, girlfriend not withstanding... Saying such would simply be nails in his own coffin. Maybe he should build an excuse around Misa? He could-

To Light's surprise, L snagged the phone out of his hand and held it up to his head in his awkward manner. "Yagami-san?" he asked in a flat voice.

L paused, presumably to hear his father answer.

"Yes, I am well aware of what time it is," L responded. Pause. "No, I have not forgotten that school is his priority." There was another pause during which L almost seemed to have rolled his eyes. "Inappropriate? I fail to see where-"  Annoyance crossed his face. "I see." Pause. "Yes." Another long pause. "If that's how you decide to take it..." Pause. "No." A long pause. "Please stop yelling, Yagami-san. That will not facilitate-" Pause. "I see."  L sighed.  "I don't know. You'll have to ask him."

L mutely held the phone out to Light. Light gave him a look the equivalent of  'what the hell am I supposed to do with that?'

L brandished it more insistently, a frown on his face.

Light took the cell back gingerly, placing it to his ear as if it were a flesh-eating creature of some nefarious origin.  God knows what had just transpired and what he was now walking into blindly. "Hello?" he said reluctantly.

"I expect to see you at home in less than 30 minutes," his father said shortly, and hung up.

Light lowered the phone, staring at it like it was an alien. "What the hell was that about?" he muttered incredulously.

"Your father appears to be upset," L said helpfully, his voice dour.

Light regarded him balefully. "How exactly did you expect it to help if you answered my phone?"

L looked slightly uncomfortable. "I forgot how he was suspecting... things. And I really had no idea what time it was."

Light snorted. "That's just like you."

"I'm sorry. For some reason, I felt the urge to be helpful. Despite the outcome..."

Light looked at L and found that he believed him. The petulant look, the rounded shoulders, slightly anxious eyes. He looked mildly dejected, and it was..."Ryuuzaki..." Light caught L's arm, stopping them under the shadows of one of the giant pillars ringing the fountain.

"I've said I'm sorry," L said instantly, his expression flashing between guilt and anger. "What more do you want-"

Light silenced him with a hasty and desperate kiss. L's arm tensed beneath his hand, but his lips fell open bit by bit under the pressure of Light's, until Light was able to deepen the contact as much as the pull in his chest demanded. His eyes closed against the twisting ache as he sunk deep into the obliteration he found in L's soft mouth.

He was making a mess of it all - such a mess. He was losing the predictability he'd constructed with his family, and he was fumbling the way he handled L. L... Light felt the desire rushing through him just with this... possessing the dark-haired detective through a kiss, through the feel of bodies pressing close. And it didn't seem to matter to him that they could be seen, that people would talk... when he had L like this, he didn't care.

He wanted his hands in L's hair, the brutal crush of their joining mouths and the heart-stopping exhilaration that flooded through him at the thought of having more. More.
 
Ryuuzaki...

L's hands found his, pulling them down, restraining them.

Will I never be free of this desire...?

"L-Light, perhaps this is not the place?"

Light noticed with minimal embarrassment that he had L backed against the pillar unintentionally, and the detective's pale skin was flushed faintly across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. He drew back reluctantly, allowing the other to collect himself.

He almost apologized, then decided against it. L seemed to take greater benefit from his decisiveness in such situations. Showing uncertainty at any point would likely set them back, as was evidenced earlier. But when it came down to it, he had found it more than difficult to admit to the other boy that he had... feelings.  Ridiculous perhaps, with all the evidence and the indirect confirmations of emotion, but to directly and openly declare feelings seemed a tactical blunder, no matter how true it may have been.

Yet the larger failing may have been in not doing so.

To be able to offer nothing in response to L's questioning merely made it seem more likely that he was toying with the detective and not pursuing him seriously.

Ah, the tangled web of logic they strangled themselves with...

L was walking beside him, his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his baggy jeans. He looked nowhere but straight ahead, his whole posture tense and curved inward at the shoulders as if he were trying to duck low to avoid exposure to the people around them. It made him appear younger than he was, and distant.

When they reached the elevators, L got on without pause and kept his eyes elsewhere. Until Light belatedly decided to enter the small space and stopped the doors from closing, he did not look up.

"Light, what are you doing?" L said, blinking at him. "Your father-"

"Ah, yes. What did he say to you?"

"It doesn't matter. You need to go." The doors began to ease shut.

"I don't really want to."

The doors made a dull clung noise as they met and the elevator began its ascent.

L made an exasperated noise. "What are you going to tell him? Staying out this late or later certainly does not fit the facade you've been playing for him."

"I know that," Light said with frustration. He ran a hand though his hair. "But wearing your clothes home isn't going to help matters either."

"Are we going to be pretending like nothing has changed then?" L asked incredulously. "Because you might have a hell of a time convincing your father-"

"What would you propose then? That the world's greatest detective and his prime suspect in one of the biggest cases of all time waltz out of the closet together??"

"Wait a second here, I am not gay," L said adamantly.

"No?" Light pressed, "Well you seemed oddly compliant to my advances, if that's the case." Ok, that was a bit of hypocrisy... Maybe.  He was certain that he himself was straight - he just seemed to have a special something when it came to L.

"I don't remember encouraging you," L said coldly. "As I recall, you were quite fired up on your own."

"Please," Light scoffed. "You were practically begging me to touch you."

L's face became pinched with anger, his eyes slightly wild. "I never wanted anything to do with you! You started it! All of this sick...twisted..."

Light ducked as L launched a sloppy roundhouse at his head. He weaved around a hastily thrown left hook and rushed L against the dark mirrored wall of the elevator.

His forearm pinned L's throat. Dark, vengeful eyes stared into the depth of his being.

"It isn't sick," Light said in a low, warning voice. "None of it. Not for us."

"You have a whole world full of people that would argue that," L struggled to get out past the pressure of Light's arm.

Light stared deep into L's eyes. "If it were just us two, it wouldn't seem wrong, would it?" There was a minute change in the quality of L's expression. "It's everyone else that gets in the way... Their perceptions, their prejudices..."

"But that is the world we live in," L said emptily.

"For now."

"And what is that supposed to mean??" L strangled out, straining again against the choke hold.

"It means that the world is subject to change, just like everything else."

"But why do you have to say it - like you're him?" L's eyes were sharp, as if ready to begin digging up the edges of his very being, but they were also guarded and frustrated.

"Who?" Light knew who, but he felt it necessary to make L say it. While he had L here, under hand. Restrained. His throat held captive beneath the bar of muscle and bone. Out of such situations, honesty was borne.

"Dammit, Light. Kira. KIRA." L looked torn between fighting him and giving up, his body sagging. "So often you speak like you're him - how am I to dismiss that enough to convince myself you aren't?"

"What you believe is up to you."

"NO." L dug his fingers in Light's arm, trying to gain leverage, but it was immobile. "What I believe is based on what I'm given."

The chime of the elevator reaching it's destination caused Light to withdraw.

The doors clanged and slid open, admitting an older couple that had the air of a honeymoon about them. They greeted the two boys pleasantly, trying to engage them in amiable chatter.

L ignored them, stalking out of the elevator in long strides, leaving Light to make polite excuses before trying to catch up.

Light had almost overtaken the dark-haired boy when the door to room 613 closed swiftly and firmly in his face.

"Ryuuzaki!" Light said against the door in a harsh whisper, not wanting his voice to carry. "Ryuuzaki!" He heard the sound of an inner door shutting none-too-gently. "Damn it, L." Locked out and obviously being ignored, there was nothing to do now but head home.

...In his borrowed pants.

What could he possibly say to explain that and also allow for his distinct lack of his own slacks?

Light turned on his heel and stormed back down the hallway. More than the question of his attire - he'd figure something out - the delicate and precarious balance between himself and L was cause for concern. He wasn't sure why he kept wanting to assume that L would be cooperative and fall neatly within every plan or solution he devised, but the detective was not so compliant. Every time they moved forward personally, L insisted on bringing in the case and Kira, forcibly setting them back. It was like a shield for him to brandish.

But how can I divest him of it?

If Light acknowledged his true identity... It would force L to lay down his accusations towards his trustworthiness, and potentially close the rift that it was causing between them. This was only given L's uncertainty over Kira's guilt and the state of his sense of justice. However, if upholding common law overrode L's personal feelings of right and wrong - an admission could just as easily drive the wedge even deeper. Not only that, an admission might well result in a death sentence. L would play along, of course, keeping him in place until they captured him/Kira...

Trust.

It was the ultimate in trust.

If he chose to unveil himself in order to keep Ryuuzaki close, he would have to trust that L would not turn him in, and L would have to trust him to not kill him.

The biggest obstacle... was that neither of them were very trusting people.

---


L lay on his bed, an arm flung over his eyes.

This had to be THE most untenable situation he'd ever found himself himself mired in.

Light Yagami. Kira. Where did one end and the other begin?  How thoroughly enmeshed was one with the other? For he did not ever really doubt that they were one and the same.

The question was, were they of one mind, or two?

If he could come to trust one persona, must he still be wary of the other? Or were 'Light' and 'Kira' so wrapped up in each other, that they could never be separated - a swirl of death and good intentions? Was there no hope of extricating the boy from the killer? No hope of reform?

If he fell any deeper into Light's pace, was he merely courting his own certain death?

Light... L clutched the pillow under his head with angry fists. His sense of stability was wildly askew, and made more so with every dealing. What is your ultimate goal? Why can't I see it?

He used to be able to predict everything so well, and now... I'm running blind.

---

Light opened the front door quietly. Uselessly, perhaps, but the time of night almost seemed to demand it. He knew he needn't have bothered, confirmed for him by the sight of his father standing in the foyer - visible before the door was even halfway open.

His father appeared to have been there for some time - he was leaning with his shoulder touching the wall - the picture of someone settled in for a long wait. His arms were crossed.

Light glanced surreptitiously at his watch. It had been 50 minutes since his father's call. 20 minutes of wasted time spent on L, which he did not regret, nor would he take back if he were able. Though the conclusion of their evening could have gone better...

"You're late," Light's father intoned as Light shut the door behind him. He was referring to his preordained time of 30 minutes, not the extreme lateness of the hour - as that had been established prior, on the phone.

"Well, you know. Traffic," Light said under his breath.

"I heard that, and I will not be convinced of such at this hour of night."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

Oh, he was mad - every line on his father's face was tight. "Don't you take that tone with me." 

"What tone, father?" Had he been little too deadpan before? Or a little too lacking in attentiveness? He needed to refocus and play this right. He was letting himself get out of hand. 

"I don't know, just stop." His father's body language was stiff and stilted. He was angry and uncomfortable then. To truly win this - Light had to make him feel he'd gained the upper hand. But what track to use...? "How can I stop something when I don't even know what it is you wish me to cease doing?"

Yagami-san's eyes glinted behind the lenses of his glasses, making his stern face look rather formidable.

Light was unfazed. He'd seen this at least two times before. Admittedly, he was surprised when his father grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into the hall.

"What is it you think you're doing?" the elder Yagami said in a harsh undertone.

"Wha-"

"Don't you dare ask me what! You know what, and I'll not have you patronizingly deny that you haven't the slightest. All of your behavior of late, but especially tonight - has been inexcusable." 

Light blinked at him, feeling it wiser to let the rant go unchecked. 

"I could understand it if you were younger - that you were probably just acting out - but you're 18 and well past that age. But now? What is going on with you?"

"Am I allowed to speak?"

"NO. I'm not finished." The police chief drew himself up to his full height, his stature being fairly impressive when he wanted it to be. "I have been nothing but supportive of you and your studies, and I have given you free reign in almost all regards. All I ask for in return is that you remain polite and courteous, set a good example, put your full effort into your studies, and observe a reasonable curfew. Just tonight alone you have thrown each of those things away as if you have the standing to dismiss them, and I am telling you that you don't."  

Light tried not to react, but he could feel himself bristling. 'Know your place,' his father was telling him. I know my place quite well, father. Better than most.

"Were you even planning on coming home tonight - or had I not called, would you have stayed out all night?"

Light opened his mouth to speak, but his father wasn't done.

"You've been neglecting your studies, ignoring your curfew and getting high-handed with your own father, not to mention setting a horrible example for Sayu."

Light sensed that the preamble was over and they were about to get to the part that was really bothering his father.

"Do you have any idea what it felt like to have L suddenly come on the phone like that? To tell me how to handle my own son?? What gives him the right when he is still young enough to be a child of mine?"

Light shrugged apologetically.

"Whose idea was it?"

Light's brows knit in confusion. "Idea?"

"Which one of you initiated your... meeting tonight? Who decided that school and family was unimportant in favor of spending the night together?"

"No one disregarded those things. It was unplanned."

"So, L disappears, and somehow you just happen to run into him, and just happen to decide to spend hours together, and you just happen to end up wearing a pair of his jeans??"

Light looked down mutely at the incongruity of jeans that were not perfectly tailored to his form and back up to his father. "Oh, that..."

"No excuses. I've heard enough of those to last me a lifetime." The elder Yagami ran an angry hand through his hair, frowning deeply. "When I called, I was hoping somehow that you had decided to go see Misa. I never would have imagined that you'd... with L..."

"Wait a minute, that I'd what with L? I didn't do anything-"

"If Sayu came home dressed in some boy's clothing, there would only be one assumption to make. That same logic ought to apply here, regardless."

Light was appalled. His father was developing a penchant for uncomfortable conversations. Not to mention, the assumption that he would be the one giving it up to L - based on what?? Age? Feh! "But-" 

Yagami-san held up a hand. "The hardest thing to accept about it is how thoroughly he is changing who you are. That he feels it is all right to control you to this extent. It's all been in these last several weeks, hasn't it? You've been more withdrawn and distant and you've mentioned the trouble you were having in school, and all L does is push to take more of your time with 'the investigation'. That's the real reason you took time off 'for school', isn't it? And the reason you are dating Misa? To force L to give you space?"

Light blinked with wide eyes. How had his father managed to get this so twisted around?? 

"I understand if it is hard for you to put off advances of that sort, as you are... the way you are," his father sounded sort of awkward and fierce at the same time, protecting his honor against the villainous L. "After taking a stance of keeping your distance, for weeks, the first thing L does is..." he gestured to Light's borrowed attire to allude to his assumption that L had deflowered his son. "So I'll take the problem out of your hands by taking you out of that situation."

"You'll what?" This did not sound good.

"I'm pulling you off the investigation."

Profound shock. That was what this feeling was. "But you can't do that!" Light hissed. "I'm a vital part of -"

Yagami-san took Light's shoulders in his hands and shook him a little. "Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, L was talking up your importance so that he could keep you within easy reach? That he was pushing you so hard, to goad you into spending more and more time where he could watch you? That he would go so far as to name you a suspect as more of the same?"

This dastardly version of L his father had painted was near comical, though Light had a hard time appreciating it at the present time. Off of the investigation? His father was crazy if he thought that would keep him from L. Though it would certainly complicate matters dreadfully. "Are you saying that L was lying about the difference my contribution makes to the case?" He kept his voice disbelieving but tinged with uncertainty. "That he'd falsify information pertaining to the case for such a reason?" This might be the only workable angle he'd get. He tried to look crushed. 

His father toned it down several notches, now looking like he felt bad about the whole thing. "It is a possibility... I just want you to be aware of it." His hands sort of patted Light's shoulders. "Before you get too involved emotionally." As well as physically, was the underlying message.

Oh god. Now even his father was talking about emotions. Was he the only one that found issue with such things?

"About Misa... I think it is unfair of you to keep dating her if she was merely something to keep L at a distance."

"I can promise you that was never the case."

"Oh, right. Right." The elder Yagami nodded sagely as if he were reading past his son's words with accuracy. "Just remember that pride is not worth breaking a girl's heart."

As much as he'd love to, Light was not able to free himself from Misa's company so easily. Death Notes, complications, it was all a trifle annoying. "But Misa would be more upset if I ended our relationship so suddenly." Light gave his father his most convincing, tormented, innocent face. "Don't you want me to try for something conventional? I'm not ill suited to it, I assure you. Before L came along, I never even questioned such things."

"But why L? Of anyone, why L?"

"Well, isn't it amazing how intelligent he is? How focused?" Light made a show of modest praise with subdued adoration. "And so young, for all his accomplishments."

His father lapped it up, looking more worried and protective by the moment. It was a far cry from the tyrant who'd met him at the door.

The difference must be in who the parent is able to blame for a situation. Now that the blame was L's, the elder Yagami felt relieved that he had a source of evil to route to thereby return his son to normal. The problem was not with the egg, but the chicken, to put it colloquially.  (A fitting rendition to the age old question of 'which came first?', for it was a toss up as to which of them started all this, himself or L.) 

"So it is his mind you admire," his father said slowly, turning the thought with a nod of acceptance. "Perfectly reasonable, as you are extremely intelligent yourself and have no classmates who approach your ability."

"But I find that his eyes can be... rather engaging," Light said faintly with a finger poised to his lips as if he was deep in thought. As expected, the comment set his father aflutter - physical attraction being a harder topic to deal with. He decided to punish his father a little more. "Especially when they get so focused," Light murmured. "And up close-"

Yagami-san coughed. "That's uh - enough for now. I think I get the idea."

"I don't think you do - you've never seen him when he's intent upon you, with such a forceful air about him..." Light said 'forceful' like he would have said words like 'desirable' or 'seductive.' "It's nearly impossible to refuse-"

"Son. That is more than enough. I really do get the gist of it."

Light pretended to be startled out of his musings. "Oh," he said in a quiet voice as if he were feeling scolded. "Right... I seem to have forgotten myself." It was truly amazing how easily his father was buying this new act. Especially with how sloppy his acting was when he first arrived home.

"This situation is more complicated that I originally thought..." Yagami-san said. "I'll have to think on how I wish to handle this. But until then, I still have to ground you for disobeying me. When you are not at school, you will come straight home."

"Are you really barring me from the investigation?"

"If it were only the investigation, we wouldn't be having this conversation! You seem to have a problem where L is concerned, and I really have to question your judgment."

"You're afraid that L will somehow be able to make a move on me when I am surrounded by all of the task force members?"

"Not necessarily then. But, yes. And I think it best to remove the opportunity for inappropriate behavior."

Oh, this was going to be annoying. Light wasn't sure how L was going to be after today - was he going to become the recluse again? Would his father's declaration remove all contact they would have, or would L give in and follow him around school and give him the chance to get close?

Oh, if only he could get L alone again like he had tonight. It had sent such delicious thrills through him to have the detective utterly enthralled and within his power. How much more so then, if they had been together truly, as his father suspected? Only he would be the one deflowering L, picking him apart piece by piece and watching the structure of him crumble.

He wanted to have him so badly tonight, but he knew it would be too much. He had to lure L in. Brute force would not win it. L had to be seduced carefully and thoroughly.

"Light, are you listening to me?"

"Of course, father."

"Then you have no arguments?"

"I agree that I have been acting poorly of late. I would expect nothing less than the removal of my privileges. But I beg you to consider lightening the sentence should my behavior improve to your satisfaction. Misa will be beside herself with worry."

"I'm not agreeing to anything, but that is a possibility."

"Very well. I respect your decision, whatever it may be." Light kept his eyes downcast, the meek, insolent child, accepting well-deserved punishment. There was nothing more to do, really. This would be a waiting game. "If you are finished with me, I'd like to go to my room and get some sleep...."

"Yes. Yes, of course. You do that." His father seemed gruff and infinitely relieved.

Light dipped his head in thanks and started up the stairs.

Next time... There had to be a next time with L... His desire for the detective had barely diminished since their brief interlude but a few hours ago. It had banked itself and was growing in intensity, burning even brighter than before.

It really didn't help matters any that his father had chosen to ground him and remove him from the case. Now the uncertainty of when he would actually see L again dogged him and a thread of frantic irritation dug its way under his skin. Digging. Digging. Growing. Gnawing. And what a way to leave things indefinitely -  the last scene of the night being L's flashing eyes and a door slammed in his face. Had they ultimately gained ground or lost it? It was so hard to tell.

Light quietly opened his door and closed it behind him, to keep from waking anyone with careless noise. He leaned with his back against the door and allowed his thoughts their freedom at last.

L's lips, soft and full beneath his... the quality of the air that left his mouth in a gasp...  A shudder went through Light as he revisited the night's events in obsessive detail. The feel of L's arousal in his hand, so hot and hard that L could do nothing to deny the pleasure that Light's touch brought him...

 

So many things were in evidence that even the detective's brilliant mind could be overcome by such attention - despite how L tried to fight it. Every little concession L gave him spurred him on to take more, demand more.

He'd wanted to possess  the other boy so badly that it had taken an impressive amount of will to hold himself in check. Every other thought had involved pinning the dark-haired detective beneath him, pushing his way inside that lean body, and wringing more of those delightfully unscripted moans from his reluctant mouth.

Light felt the gathering in his loins, the irrefutable tightness that heralded an unignorable arousal that would not pass on its own.

 

"Damn it, L," he groaned softly,  his hand slipping down to touch  himself  - something he rarely gave in to. It bordered on taboo to let his body hold sway over his will - to have to yield to physical needs.

 

The jeans were an unexpected roughness against his hand and aching flesh and called to mind the detective who always wore them. Light could almost  feel the press of his body against the slim lines of L's, the hard insistent lengths of their desire caught between their taut stomachs and the toe-curling sensations as the friction between them began to build.

 

Oh, if only I could have been inside you...

Light bit his lip as his hand circled himself and squeezed - a pale substitute for the embrace of L's body, but a stirring one nonetheless.

His mind drove the illusion further... He could see and feel the smooth skin of spread thighs and L's wrists trapped beneath his hand. He could almost see L's averted face - his dark eyes would be closed, his brows knitted, and his breath coming in hot gasps as Light moved within him... L's body straining upwards against him, against pleasure, bearing down on him with such tight pressure that Light could scarcely avoid losing himself to the sensation.

Light gasped aloud as orgasm lashed through him hard and fast enough that it almost forced him to his knees. 

His head fell forward as he tried to draw breath in labored, shallow pants. His body was flushed and damp, his pulse racing. All of the textbook reactions that should be evidence of satisfaction, but it was incomplete. Empty. Meaningless if it wasn't really L with him.

He wanted to see the other boy react to him and lose control with him. He wanted to see him lying exhausted and panting next to him.

He wanted everything. Every little thing he could wring from L and more.

There had to be a way. He'd find it, whatever it was.

Soon, Ryuuzaki, soon...

---
TBC

Reviews anyone? Let me know how I am doing? plzthx