Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Shinigami ( Chapter 20 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 20: Shinigami)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Please review and bolster my motivation...

I've been writing a lot (on ch 24) but apparently my opinion of my own work depends on what other people think. eeeerg.

Thank you, all three of you, who did review. In the depths of my self-criticism hell, you gave me a flicker of hope.

(P.S. Is anyone digging the timely updates? It's a miracle of... something.)

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Chapter 20:

"Hiya, Light."

Light looked up in annoyance from where his steepled hands rested between his knees. "Hello, Ryuuk," he said under his breath.

It seemed the Shinigami had been hanging around long enough that he had chosen to time his appearance in conjunction with L leaving for the restroom.

"How long have you been skulking about, hmm?" he asked the thing.

Ryuuk just grinned at him. It was hard to tell, given the monstrous deformity of the death god's piranhaic face, but he may actually have been leering.

"If you have something to report, might I suggest you move it along? You only have-" He consulted his watch, "-roughly 45 seconds."

"Hmmm," it burbled in its throat. Light had a hard time genderizing the things. 'It' seemed much more appropriate. "Only if I expect you to respond." It chuckled.

"Suit yourself," Light said airily. God, that thing set him off almost as well as L when it wanted to! They probably did it for similar reasons as well.

"I want apples," Ryuuk said.

"Do I look like I can help you out there?" he hissed. "L would definitely notice an apple eating itself in midair."

"So tell him about me. He already knows you're Kira, what could it hurt?"

YOU FOOL! Light wiped his hand over his face, to stall the response he wanted to give outright. "He doesn't know about the Shinigami, Ryuuk."

"So?"

"So, if he did, that would complicate things."

"Are you sure it isn't complicating things more by not telling him?" Its grin showed multiple rows of sharp teeth, much like a shark's. It was being deliberately obtuse.

"Yes. If I told him, not only would he be watching me too closely for me to communicate with you, he would figure out that the notebook is the key to seeing you, thus giving him another reason to hound me for it. On top of that, he would know there is a second Shinigami that accompanies the second notebook, and I would be under suspicion for directing its movements."

"Haha oops. Out of time," The death god said as the door to the bathroom opened. L shuffled out, sparing a cursory glance at Light before sitting down at his laptop. It was surprising he bothered using the hotel room desk at all, but Light supposed that always had been about making a point.

Well, great. Ryuuk, the useless informant, was out of time. Fantastic. Light made a shooing motion with his hand. If you can't talk, you can damn well leave.

The Shinigami regarded the dismissive hand with glee. "Now that he's back, I can tell you what I was going to say."

Useless.

Ryuuk hovered in front of his face. "Can you do that thing with him again where you don't talk? It's wildly entertaining and you don't seem to be doing it as much anymore."

Light blanched. Is he- ?

No, no, no, he could not mean....

But the grin that threatened to split Ryuuk's face verified that that was exactly what he meant. Good god. THIS was what had kept the damned thing busy all this time? He was going to be sick. He stood abruptly, fighting down rage and mortification, his hand hovering over his mouth. His battle was accompanied by the echoing laughter of one highly amused, vile, voyeuristic Shinigami. The disgust he felt at that moment was unrivaled.

Light took several strides towards the bathroom door.

He sensed slight movement and flicked his eyes to where L was sitting. Dark eyes were on him, of course, questioning. "Something I ate must not be agreeing with me," the brunette lied weakly, fleeing the room before L had a chance to analyze his expression too thoroughly.

---

Ryuuk left his human alone after that, feeling that an exuberant wheeling through the skies was in order. Light was the best. He never ceased to provide an endless source of amusement. Oh, the look on his face. It was priceless.

Ryuuk had a vague nagging in the back of his otherworldly head that Light was going to hate him quite acidly after this, but it was worth it. Besides, it wasn't like the boy had any choice but to tolerate the death god. Afterall, it was Ryuuk's Death Note that enabled him to become Kira. He couldn't be rid of Ryuuk and he had no way to inflict harm or punishment upon an incorporeal being, much as he may have liked to.

Rem should learn to handle her human in this way.

She shouldn't let herself get so involved.

Humans were here for their enjoyment. To be toyed with and be amused by. That was why love and such nonsense were taboo. It messed up the system and gave humans power.

Ryuuk blinked as he flew through some low hanging clouds. It occurred to him that after telling his human what he had, that he would be deprived of that special brand of entertainment from now on. Light was a very proper sort of human and somewhat shy, judging by his reactions over such things.

The black-winged Shinigami uttered a hacking grunt, his way of expressing despondence.

Maybe I complicated things this time...?

He took a spinning dive and set off in search of Rem to hold the white Shinigami up for apples. Apples made everything better.

---

Hours later, and Light could not stop seething. How dare that decrepit vulture do such a debased thing!? Had it borne witness to every single time he and L had been together? Oh, if only he could kill it in retribution for such an abominable act. What he and L shared was their own. It was not some cheap thing to be gawked at!

"Light, are you certain you are ok?" L asked for the fifth time.

"I'm fine," he growled. "I couldn't be better." Being Kira would also mean being saddled with Ryuuk. Heavens help him, why did being Kira demand such exacting payment? As much as he disliked Rem, the white Shinigami was infinitely more civilized. But wait - perhaps he could make a trade?

Oh, who was he kidding? Even if somehow he convinced it to leave Misa's side, he would suffer its ugly, hateful stare boring into his skull at all hours. Both of the death gods were equally distasteful, though for quite different reasons.

"You might find this of interest," L spoke up from across the room, his voice lightly sardonic in tone. "Your online fan club is already gathering in full force."

Light lifted his head from where he lay sprawled on the bed. That was an uplifting thought.

...until he considered he may yet have to give up the role of Kira, in which case the fans would no longer be his. Damnation.

"Pointless trivia, Ryuuzaki," he said emptily. "I'm Kira no longer."

"But you want to be."

"I don't even know what I want anymore," he sighed listlessly, ignoring L's prompt and resuming his long standing staring contest with the ceiling. I want to stop feeling like everything is being taken from me. If I restore Kira as the world demands, I lose you. But for as long as I deny them Kira, I gain you, but am unable to do more than speak with you because of that fucking Shinigami.

Was this depression he felt? Was he actually depressed?

Light heard the definitive click of the laptop snapping shut and closed his eyes, listening to the padding of L's footsteps until they reached him.

"What's wrong with you?"

Oh, what does it matter anymore? "I'm either bored or depressed. Take your pick."

"You don't appear to be bored. You seem to have a lot on your mind." The bed gave way slightly as L sat next to him.

"Ah... I'd thought that boredom might be naught but a pipe dream. Depression then, is it? How droll." What was it about the low swinging moods of his that required an excess in dramatic verbosity? Was it an offhanded way of seeking attention? If so, it was working splendidly because L was utterly focused upon him, radiating cautious concern. He didn't even need to see it to detect it. Oh, if only I were of a mind to truly enjoy such a thing...

"Do you need some fresh air?"

"I don't know," Light said rather petulantly after a moment of consideration.

"...food?"

Light shook his head.

"Are you suffering from lack of mental stimulation?"

"I don't know."

This was a rather childish form of 20 questions, but it was all the effort Light wished to expend. Oh, why had everything turned out so rotten? It had all been going so well, with only minor setbacks. He'd been Kira - life was good. He'd been Kira being harassed by the detective L - life was troublesome. He'd infiltrated the investigation team and met L face-to-face - life had become interesting. He'd realized their mutual draw and strove to act upon that attraction - life had been exciting. He'd succeeded in possessing the other boy and crafting real bonds with him - life had become worthwhile.

Did it follow the that life as Kira was less than life with L? 'Worthwhile' trumped 'Good' on the outset, but nothing was so simply compared. There were always other factors to consider.

"Are you suffering from lack of any other sort of stimulation?" L asked carefully.

Light jumped as fingertips brushed his arm, the contact and suggestion making his stomach drop out in a flurried rush. His eyes jerked up to L's face as he wrenched his arm back. "N-No," he said quickly, the faint tremor in his voice caused by the curdling thought of giving in to what he always wanted, only to have that despised sentry keeping watch.

L did not change expression or act wounded, but retained his tentative poise. "Why did you respond differently to that one?"

Light debated saying 'I don't know' to that, but L would neither believe it nor leave it alone. "I just happened to have an opinion on that matter," he said staunchly. "I'm not in the mood."

"Do you still feel ill?"

Ill? Oh, right. Earlier... "I suppose that could be the case, though I do not feel actively sick." He stopped talking as L put a hand to his forehead as if to check his temperature. The gesture was touching.

"Hmn. I'm no expert, but your skin feels like it is maintaining a normal temperature." Dark eyes returned to his. "Should I call for Watari to be sure?"

"No, that isn't necessary. He needn't suffer my presence." In response to L's raised brow he explained, "I was a bit contrary the last time we met." Flat out antagonistic, to be specific. He had been going out of his mind with frustration and boredom, and the older man had become an acceptable target.

"Ah," L said, nonplussed. "I admit, I am at a loss as to what I can do for you."

"Why not give me some tranquilizers and let me sleep for a week? Perhaps things will be different then." A lot could happen in a week. He could wake up, fully Kira or fully himself, possibly even knowing what he should do with himself. Ryuuk could have exploded... Oh, it didn't matter how, only that it was a pleasing thought...

"Why not just go to sleep?" L stared down at him benignly. "It's late enough now."

"What about you?"

L sagged a little. "I'm tired. And I'm tired of fighting."

Light became more alert. "Are you requesting a truce?"

L said nothing at first but nudged Light out of the way so he had room to stretch out on the bed next to him. "If that will allow things to go back to normal..." He trailed off and tucked over on his side, legs partially drawn up in a comfortable manner. His breathing was hesitant but even.

L's form seemed so much smaller when he was off his feet. The curve of his back looked vulnerable beneath the white cloth of his shirt and his slender neck was just visible between the jagged locks of his disorderly black hair. Little details... things Light had never expected to move him or prick the lifeless embers of his heart.

Light put Ryuuk out of his mind and pulled L back against his chest with an arm around his waist. With his face buried against L's warm neck and the chaos of his soft black hair, he felt a sort of peace steal over him.

He'd intended to accept L's truce, but before he knew it sleep had claimed him and stolen the words.

---

"Misa... please reconsider," Rem urged. "Remember that with as intelligent as Light was, he was still brought to his knees by the detective L." Rem mentally winced at her choice of words. Ugh! What was wrong with these humans that they would choose other males over a girl like Misa? Yagami should have been honored to have her affections, but instead, he treated them like trash.

"I know that, Rem! But I don't care! I have to do something. I can't just let L win like that when poor Light..." she broke off with tears brimming her eyes. She managed to reign them in but it was a hard earned effort achieved only through the passage of time. "I want to pay him back for what he did to us." She looked at the Shinigami with watery eyes. "Don't you understand? We were to be married. And now..."

Married? Ha. Not if Yagami had anything to say about it. Rem knew Light would rather see Misa dead in a gutter than take vows with her. The only reason he'd let her live after she discovered he was Kira was that she had made the deal for the eyes which was useful to him, and he was not stupid enough to discount Rem's death threat were he to endanger Misa or make her unhappy.

He was the most deplorable human she'd met.

Humankind prided itself on its emotion and its capacity to care. But not him. Light was the antithesis of such things. He was cold, calculating, and incapable of more than furthering his own selfish schemes. He was a slick predator who devoured everything that could be bent to his use, leaving nothing but destruction in his wake.

He would make an excellent death god.

Maybe too excellent. His efforts and motivation would likely replace the lot of them. Either that or his vain wails would shatter the dark realm when he donned the grotesque appearance they all came to possess. The conceited creature.

"I'll be careful, Rem. I promise."

"I know you will try, but L is a cunning adversary. He'll find you through even the slightest error-"

"Rem!" Misa shouted, hands over her ears. Her hands were shaking. "Please. I have to do this! Can't you just support me?"

"... Of course," Rem said distantly, drawing back. You poor, foolish girl. You insist upon your demise. "You are the owner of the notebook, so I must follow your instructions." I will always do my best to protect you. Notebook or no.

Misa looked unhappy. "But I don't want y-" she stopped and seemed to rethink what she'd been about to say. "Ok, she finished instead. "Thank you."

Again, the bitter taste of being beholden to Yagami revisited the death god. But he was going to be the only thing that could keep Misa from blundering into her own death... the only thing between her pursuit of emotional ideals and L.

For that, she should be grateful.

---

L woke after a few hours, fully rested. Light was still sound asleep, his arm curled loosely about L's waist and his face bearing the innocence it adopted when he was not conscious. The irony was never lost upon L.

Light's hand flexed as L slid out from beneath his arm, as if it were trying to grasp at something that was eluding him. When it came up empty, Light curled it up against his chest as if he were cold. L took the edge of the comforter and carefully folded it over the sleeping boy. He stood there watching him several minutes longer, running through past snatches of dialog, weighing them in his mind against what he knew of the brunette. Even more gingerly, he examined his own feelings, poking at them from as far back as he could get.

No. Nothing had changed.

It seems the emotion this boy brought out in him remained constant. It was merely his own reaction, in trying to deal with his feelings in the face of each new day, that changed. When the situation presented evidence that he was stranded, alone in his... caring for Light, he could feel his calm, logical self melt into desperate anger.

Not being able to trust the brunette, knowing he shouldn't, ate at him like a cancer.

It cast a dark pall over everything and warped him into the unreasonable, reactive creature he was becoming.

Why couldn't Light see that it was these extenuating circumstances that forced him to irrationality? Or did he see, and find it a hindrance? Inconvenient to address? Perhaps he even sought to waylay him with such distraction?

Light shifted in his sleep, murmuring nearly inaudible nonsense. He appeared so harmless like this. So much so that it was difficult for L to grasp hold of the suspicion flowing through his fingers like water. Surging up to replace it was this crushing, yet warm feeling in his chest. Was this love? Velvet chains to bind you still so you could not run away from even your greatest fears?

L made himself move on, walking over to the desk and bringing his laptop to life. While he waiting for it to boot up, he sprawled into the desk chair and swiveled it to face the bed. It was not his imagination that Light had been acting differently today. Much of his speech and mannerisms had been uncharacteristic.

L chewed on his lip absently. It was shortly after the newscast regarding the new Kira killings. Curiously, it was not the newscast that seemed to bring about such a change. No... Light's focus had definitely sharpened, and though he had been staring at the screen, there was nothing presently on that would have required such attention. Something was amiss... some little detail he hadn't yet marked.

The other moment of noticeably odd behavior was after he emerged from the restroom on one occasion. If L hadn't known better, he'd say Light was reacting to another person in the room. The expression on his face had not been one of his standard, and there was no reason for him to be making it while he was alone.

Suspending belief for a moment... what if he had not been alone? What if he had somehow exchanged information with someone at that time? It would account for other things as well, such as his prevailing indescribable mood for the night. But how was it accomplished?

It was also suspicious that this was occurring in tandem with the new murders.

Was the brunette communicating with the second Kira? Was it a proxy to which he was issuing instructions while he was incapacitated? If that were true then why now and not earlier? Perhaps Light was being truthful when he said he had nothing to do with the killings. The new Kira did not operate in a manner that befitted the previous Kira, so they were definitely not Light himself and they were certainly not taking direction from him.

A second Kira.

Was Light's reluctance to offer the notebook to him due to it already being in use by someone else?

Hmm... But it would go against Light's character to give up such power even temporarily. Especially if he were not assured he could retrieve it from the individual who currently possessed it.

Did that mean... that there were two notebooks?

L swiveled his chair to face the desk. He began rapidly typing on the keyboard with a sick sort of excitement. TWO. Two notebooks. So even if he destroyed the one in Light's possession, another Kira would be free to exercise their will upon the world.

Was there something that enabled the Kiras to communicate?

If a notebook could cause death, it wasn't too far-fetched that they could have a means of doing so. But it was more than simple communication. In the second instance, after he had come from the restroom, Light had been schooling his expression, however badly. He had been reacting to something he could see.

Was it a direct connection to the other Kira? Or was there some sort of intermediary agent that would allow the Kiras to stay anonymous to each other? The latter would be more practical, or the Kiras might potentially try to kill each other in order to secure their basis of power and become the supreme authority in the world. Light would likely do that, anyway.

L tested the flesh of his thumb with firm teeth.

No, it wasn't a direct connection, as Light would then have already disposed of his competition. And he would not know the Kira personally either, even if he were aware of their existence.

The laptop screen reflected in washed-out blue light upon L's wide, dark eyes. His hands returned to the keyboard in a flurry of keystrokes. Within moments he had the most frequented Kira advocacy sites before him. He began combing through the news and forums, searching for anything that might be of some consequence.

This new Kira... would they prove as much of a challenge as Light had? It was both an exciting and a terrifying thought.

---

Cold.

Hot......

Dark.

Light...?

...

His groggy mind pieced together the conflicting information his senses sent him.

...Feet were cold.... Body was hot....

Darkness was everywhere but for a small beacon of reflected light that amplified dimly upon the hotel room wall.

When had he become tangled in a comforter? Light wondered muzzily. Last he recalled, he'd fallen asleep with Ryuuzaki...

L, he amended firmly. L was what I meant... I never call him Ryuuzaki in my head.

But 'Ryuuzaki' had a nicer flow to it. The syllables just rolled off the tongue... it almost had a sensual feel to it... 'L' sounded so cold, final, and lifeless. Clinical. Something to be spat out. Though, granted, up until recently that was often the tone in which he'd used the name. It had always been: 'L, you little bastard' or some such thing. When had that changed?

With slight alarm, Light realized he had no idea.

No matter.

...

Ok, so it did matter, Light thought sullenly, wrapping his cocoon of blankets tighter about his suffocating body. But would dwelling upon it have any sort of positive effect? Was he really going to sit here and brood over it?

Light shifted and noted how his pants were annoyingly and claustrophobicly entwined with his legs, adding to the feeling of entrapment and uncomfortable heat. He stubbornly tried to ignore it. The blankets were providing a proverbial shield, protecting him from the outside world whilst he dissected himself in secret.

He hated dissecting himself in secret.

It implied that it took extra effort for him to begin to understand himself, which was preposterous. And grossly untrue. He was just musing upon things. Yes, a pastime in which he regularly engaged. It kept his mind fresh. 'Know thyself' was his own personal mantra. He upheld it devoutly. Not that he could say as much for Ryuuzaki. L. Not that he could say as much for L. The bastard.

...Right. L the bastard subscribed to the more commonly practiced: 'Know thy enemy.' A fine thing indeed, but one should also know their own inner workings lest enemies exploit the things of which they were unaware. For instance, L's vulnerability when faced with any level of intimacy was glaringly obvious to Light immediately and it had been a relatively simple endeavor to twist that to his advantage. As Kira, he had come in cloak and dagger and brought L quite swiftly to his knees. Perhaps swiftly was not the correct term, but he had done it nonetheless, and flawlessly. L was in the palm of his hand.

Mostly. The dark-haired detective still had his rampant fits of mistrust. Which was only to be expected from someone with any measure of intelligence. To trust someone who embodied your greatest adversary was foolish.

Light frowned and worried at his lower lip with his teeth.

Even more foolish was said adversary expecting such trust, and wishing even for blind devotion. It was irrational, really. As was the nagging thought that he was growing tired of the way 'Kira' always came between them. Would dispelling Kira allow L the ability to trust him? To have faith in him? Would that give him L's devotion?

But why should he want such a thing? Did he not have everything he'd wanted and more? Didn't he love forcing the other boy to submit to him while his mind rebelled? Didn't he love the delicious irony of it? That the great L could be brought to heel with emotion and physical desire, things he'd sworn he was incapable of?

Light recalled the soft feel of L's hair upon his cheek, the ambrosia of trust that L offered with his exposed back and closed eyes, and the pleasing feel of the boy's body against his. If it was all about power, then how could things such as that spark the most affecting feelings within his chest and alter his sense of well-being?

If power were all, why then did it bother him that in an altered state of consciousness, in which he was unaware, he had bound L tightly with fear and anguish? Should that not be a victory against one's adversary? But the knowledge had held nothing but shock and dismay. Initially. He'd admitted that there must be some sick part of himself to feel compelled by such things. Indeed, there would have to be, because that altered state was merely an amplified piece of himself.

Did he enjoy brutalizing L because the detective was not trying hard enough to get away? Was he intrigued to see how much the dark-eyed boy would suffer for him?

What a way to repay loyalty, Light... You bastard.

Light felt a moment of extreme self-loathing. He'd come from a normal middle class family and had not endured much in the way of hardship... How had he come to be like this? He was reveling in the pain of someone he cared about. Only... he felt guilty about it.

But so what if he felt guilty? He was still doing it. He'd liked forcing intimacy on L. Seeing him so angry, helpless, and wrought with unwilling desire had been the most exquisitely intoxicating drug. But he'd also liked what came after that... after his mock death, L had seemed to reach a state of acceptance and had offered him everything freely with both shy, hesitant hands and it had been the most powerfully intimate thing he had experienced. That sacred, fragile display of trust...

Light scrunched deeper into the sweltering blankets. Long ago his feet had been pulled out of the cold and were now as hot as the rest of him. There was no relief from the stagnant air. It was enough knowing that any small movement could let in a stream of cool air to relieve him and that he wouldn't do it.

Self-imposed punishment? It would be laughable if he didn't also think it might be a necessary discomfort to try and bring some resolution to the duality he faced. He had one foot firmly planted in either side of himself. Both wanted L. Both wanted Kira. But only one side could truly have L, and the other could only truly have Kira.

He had the sudden, wild urge to lay it all before L. To give him all the pieces and ask him his honest opinion.

L would give him a clinically objective response.

Wouldn't he?

Light took a deep breath of oxygen depleted air. If he were L, and he cared about someone... could he answer clinically? If L asked him for an opinion such as that, and the options boiled down to being with L or without... would he be capable of answering in any way but the way that would keep them together? From L's view, Light could either choose to be with him and be safe... or he could choose Kira and be dogged by death.

Really, now. What kind of choice was that? Light would be spitting in L's face to choose Kira; to refuse to give Kira up and refuse to give L the notebook...

But that was L's narrow view. He was conveniently leaving out pertinent details. The WORLD. He was leaving out everything that did not concern just the two of them.

He was...

He was acting like he was in love.

Light felt his heart momentarily still in his chest. Despite this, the sound of rushing blood filled his ears. Love? Did L love him??

He had to forcibly tell himself to breathe.

It made sense... the detective's seemingly irrational behavior, his sudden flares of temper, his refusal to abandon Light even when Light was harming him.

Hadn't he once thought to himself how they were both incapable of such an emotion? He'd been so certain, and yet... he could almost see in his mind's eye, the image of Ryuuzaki, dark eyes opened wide in shock and denial, a hand about his pale throat. As if he'd just admitted or been accused of such a thing. Curiously, Light could imagine leaning down then, kissing that trembling mouth... sinking into the reluctant acceptance it offered and reveling in the wetness L's tears left upon his cheek when their faces touched.

Light bit his lip, deep in the bowels of his cave.

He wasn't given to such vivid imagery.

But he did not like to think it was anything but.

No, not memories...

Please not that.

If they were...what else had occurred while Kira was in control? How much of his memory was blocked and fractured? How much was L hiding from him? How many things had he brushed off as unimportant, that Light had blindly let go?

Thinking back, too many.

I hate this.

Why is this all so complicated? Why am I left with nothing but self-depreciation? I cannot be held responsible for things of which I was not aware! No one is perfect.

Light felt his fist clench and twist in the sheets. As soon as I knew, I started pulling Kira back. Once I was aware of the fission I was able to start mending the separation. I've done all that L could ask of me!

(What of the notebook?)

I can't!

(For loathing yourself as a true Kira, you cling rather tightly to the role as an ideal.)

I don't loathe myself as Kira, I loathe part of me being Kira by itself. Now that I know, I will be whole and such a separation will not occur again.

(Who's to say you won't lose yourself again? Isn't it only L that has kept you in check?)

Silence! I refuse to argue with myself like this; it is absurd.

(You are absurd,) the voice whispered disdainfully.

Fuck you, he snarled back.

He flung the blankets off of him, cool air whooshing in and striking him like an invasive, chill wind. Every cell of his body seemed to breathe it in with exultation. He shivered but it felt good. Welcome. Invigorating.

Rapidly, however, his body acclimated and he was aware of the sheen of sweat that dampened his skin. It made his clothes cling to him, unpleasantly reminding him of the cocoon of self-imprisonment and self-reflection, and he couldn't bear it. He wanted such thoughts out of his mind. Busily blocking out and sealing away such things, he began to strip off his unwanted garments. Vaguely, he was aware of Ryuuzaki speaking. L, he corrected automatically as he asked the room's other occupant to repeat himself.

"I said, I didn't realize you were awake, Light-kun." L said with a subtle falter.

"Yes, well... apparently I am." Damn these buttons. Why did he insist on wearing dress shirts?

"Is there," another tiny hesitation, "any particular reason for you to be abandoning your clothes?"

Light paused with his hands on the clasp of his slacks. His shirt lay in a useless slump on the floor. He met L's eyes and found them to be staring rather openly. "I'm hot."

"..."

Light slowly undid the clasp as he watched Ryuuzaki. "Do you have an objection you wish to voice?"

The detective shook his head, a minimal set of motions. "I find it peculiar. You always change in the bathroom."

Peculiar... Peculiar... Your eyes say you find it to be more than that, Ryuuzaki. Light slid the zipper slowly through its track, exposing the black boxers he wore underneath. "Am I making you uncomfortable, Ryuuzaki?" he asked innocently, challenging the detective's sense of pride. "Would you like me to leave the room?" He layered concern onto his tone to make it harder for the detective to reply affirmatively.

"Ah, no. That will not be necessary Light-kun."

There was another of L's little quirks, that Light suspected he was not wholly aware of. The detective called him 'Yagami' or 'Yagami-kun' while trying to be a pest, but it seemed 'Light-kun' was mostly a slip when he was attempting to maintain distance. He'd done it twice now.

Teasing L was calming his nerves and giving him something to focus on. He didn't berate himself too harshly for it. It was not hurting anything after all, and he felt the need for something familiar.

He slid the pants partway over his hips, making sure to catch his boxers and tug them lower as well. He felt rather smug as L's eyes lingered on the low-riding waistband. He knew his body was attractive - smooth, tawny skin and lightly muscled in all the right places. Silently saluting genetics or whatever odd happenstance that had gifted him so, he approached L, feeling gloriously empowered as those eyes couldn't quite manage to rise higher than his waist. "Are you sure, Ryuuzaki?"

Color touched those pale cheeks - it was just visible in the dim light as Light knelt before him and rested a hand on his knee. "I know you think I act oddly at times..." His hand wandered inconspicuously higher. "But I don't mean anything by it. I hardly know when I am doing such things... They're normal in other people's eyes."

"Do you normally touch people like this, Light-kun?"

Such bravado. Light leaned closer. "Only the ones I like," he said in a coy undertone. There, that got a reaction L couldn't quite suppress. "And you, do you normally stare at people the way you stare at me?" Light insinuated his body between L's knees. He felt the body in front of him shudder slightly as he stretched up to lay a kiss on L's exposed collarbone.

"I don't think I need to answer that."

"I'm flattered, Ryuuzaki," Light said silkily, a smile gracing his lips. Why did it feel so good to know that in this world, HE was the only one to capture and hold L's interest? That L belonged solely to him and no one else?

"Stop teasing me, Light, please," L said forlornly. It gave Light pause and pricked a hole in the warm balloon of his thoughts. L's eyes were sullen as they looked upon him. "Who wouldn't look at you that way? You're you."

The brunette frowned. "What do other people have to do with anything?"

"What don't they have to do with anything?"

"For starters, you are essentially a recluse, and I am essentially dead. I fail to see their pertinence."

"Aw, just when it was getting good," a grating voice huffed.

Light missed the very next thing that came out of L's mouth as he was overwhelmed that instant with blinding rage that one, Ryuuk was fucking watching them and two, he'd forgotten that Ryuuk was... well, Ryuuk.

You voyeuristic rat BASTARD!

Not for the first time, he wished he could kill the thing.

"Light," Ryuuk said with a guffaw from somewhere behind him. "I think he's trying to get your attention."

Light's eyes had drifted downward as he became preoccupied. He snapped them back up to L's face. Fuck. He knew he'd given something away in his expression and L was looking at him questioningly. "I hate people," Light spat as he pulled back, doing his best to ad-lib.

L looked mildly taken aback. A touch of confusion in his eyes as well.

...Perhaps that wasn't his best tuning-back-in improvisation to date. Light's stomach churned a little. He hated feeling off kilter and out of touch with Ryuuzaki. Fucking Shinigami. This would only come back to haunt him. "What?" he snapped. "Why are you looking at me like that? You knew I felt that way."

L blinked slowly. "Yes..." His words came just as carefully. "I am just unsure as to why you wished to express such a thing when I was apologizing for the necessity of your mock death?"

Oh.

God...dammit...

"Well, if people weren't so wretched and useless, I wouldn't have felt such a blazing need to become Kira and rid the world of them, thus I would have prevented the scenario that would have required faking my death." There. That sounded proper, didn't it? Light felt pleased.

"Is it here now?" L asked him.

Light's brows furrowed. "I'm sorry?"

L's dark eyes were flicking about the room. Searching. "I've done a lot of thinking," he said. "What I have concluded is that you are in possession of something that allows you to communicate with the other Kira, and possibly something that allows you to kill."

Light felt like the air had been knocked out of him. "What are you talking about?"

L's critical eyes swung to meet his, and delved into him so deeply he felt they were uncovering the deepest parts of him and exposing them to light. "You have been reacting to something recently, Light. It has been subtle, but not enough so that it would escape my notice."

Light, inconceivably, merely shook his head in denial.

"You had that same reaction a moment ago, to something, and I believe it is still in the room even now."

"Wow, he's good," Ryuuk approved with a laugh.

"Something you can see and hear, but I cannot," L continued as Ryuuk floated over to him and passed a hand through his head. Light did his best not to change expression. It was very difficult.

Ryuuk was now hanging upside-down and had turned to look out at him, partially through L's face. "This guy is pretty smart," Ryuuk said, grinning at Light and blinking his glowing, milky yellow eyes at him.

Light coughed into his hand, turning his head to the side to do so. How should he handle this? Should he tell L the truth? No... then he would want to see Ryuuk as he'd explained to the disgusting death god previously. Light looked at the detective with a skeptical look on his face. "I haven't the faintest idea what you are going on about." Best to see what L knew, first and foremost. Light tipped his head in a slightly arrogant and condescending manner. "And what do you think it is then, since you seem to have this all figured out?"

L looked at him with a queer light in his eyes. "I believe... it is a Shinigami."

---

TBC

A/N: Rejoice as Light engages in some intensive self-flagellation!

Take that, you sick little sadist, you! Muahaha. Ah ha ha..... totally kidding. I love Light. In all his sadomasochistic glory. (I feel bad for tormenting him). And, I feel a little bad for L, but you know he digs all that stuff, even if his mind goes 'noooooooooes!' his body is saying... do me hardcore? Or... something... Hmmmn, now that plot type things are on the move again, L is regaining some of his badass self. Could it be that Light will start to behave in the face of such MAJESTY? Find out next time, in "aBfSF:cliffhanger of the week"!

p.s. Most of the cliffies are entirely unintentional. It's just how the cookie crumbles. Chapters need to not be a zillion pages long or your eyes would cross and give you a migraine. And to top that off, you would lose your place while reading. Horrors.

Please tell me no one is reading whatever this stuff is that I'm writing.

... you're reading it though, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Stop it. Stop it right now! I will not tell you my secrets, even if you give me Lucky Charms, or ice-cold hard cider! I'm adamant. I'm zzzz....Zoh holy hell would you look at the time?

p.s.s. Ryuuk disturbs me. Deeply.