Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ The Framed Roger Ruvie ( Chapter 38 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 38: The Framed Roger Ruvie)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Pleas for updates break my heart, dammit. Time constraints and such have made updating difficult. Thank you for keeping the faith and bearing with these lethargic pauses between chapters. (No, I have not died or joined the legions of the undead. But there is still time!)

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Chapter 38:

One month later...

A woman with white-blonde hair, which was cropped in a severe line just below her chin, shuffled some papers rather officially before fixing the camera with a stern gaze. The wide table at which she sat made her look pale and was a resting place for her balled hands. She spoke:

"Tonight's news involves the arson of a prestigious school for gifted youths. Authorities are still searching for clues as to who might be responsible for the fire that almost entirely destroyed the structure, injuring more than 50 people. The lead suspect is none other than Roger Ruvie, who has been in charge of this institution for more than 15 years..."

Light walked into the dark room, illuminated only by the glow of the television, his lingering presence unnoticed. "I would have done things differently." The bags he'd been carrying, evidence of his trip outside, had long since settled in a rustle of plastic on the floor.

His soft, offhanded words carried the undercurrent of disapproval.

L hit the pause button and stared at him from the foot of the bed for a long moment. "Indeed you would have."

The flat they were now renting was in downtown London, but in some ways felt no different than any of those hotel rooms in Japan. Not much larger, and certainly it did not feel any more like home.

L's mouth pressed in a grim line and he turned back to the television, resuming the BBC's world news report.

"It is believed that the fire was set in the third floor library, somewhere between two and three a.m.. Due to the late hour, nearly everyone was asleep when the fire spread rapidly upwards and trapping the majority of the Institution's personnel in their rooms until firefighters were called to the scene. The students of the school, living in rooms located primarily on the second floor were the first to notice and escape. Several children have been reported missing, but no bodies have been found. Chief Fire Marshal Sanjou Tanatsu, first on the scene... "

Light slid further into the room and took the remote out of L's hand as he sank down next to the dark-haired detective like an oppressive cloud. "Stop obsessing," Light murmured into L's ear. "It's been over 2 weeks now. I should think you'd be happy - you managed to accomplish it with the minimum requirement of one death. I would have destroyed them all, for simplicity at least."

Light had a way of coiling about him like a snake, enclosing him even without touching him. It always set him on edge.

Worse though, was the way that proximity affected him. Anger stiffened his shoulders and tensed his body, and yet...

"Even had I done so," L said with weary agitation, "removing the threat entirely, the new problem that would arise is the way that would incriminate me. How unlikely would it be for all of the adults to perish in the fire, and yet the children are all fine?"

Light nuzzled the side of L's neck. "One or two of them dying would have allayed that."

The anger deflated somewhat, revealing it in truth to be frustration and regret over past events. This all should have turned out so differently. Light was callous in the way he thought - in his willingness to write off pain or death as collateral damage or dismiss wrongs as regrettable and forgettable - but L was aware that in his own way, he was trying to offer distraction. Broken, the way he went about it, but he was trying to make L feel better.

Or perhaps he was merely tired of waiting for L to regain his footing. L was not always entirely sure about such things. Light still ran hot/cold after all, and his intents and desires could prove difficult to place even now. It took the strength out of him, this second-guessing, but he ran his testing almost automatically now. Words were chosen with care, with the ability to probe and afford him new information to work with simply by eliciting Light's response.

"What do you propose the point is to saving them when I would be killing some of them to accomplish it?"

"Relax, Ryuuzaki," Light murmured, stroking an insidious hand down L's bracing arm. The touch was like a cool shadow, and the mind behind it was an even colder place. Light chose not to answer him, knowing that L would not appreciate the response. Instead, he chose to erode L's being with these cold, cold, touches that were veiled in warm flesh. He chose to corrode him with worshipful, mocking lips on skin, and golden eyes that told him what he wanted - which bored into him and told him that he would never escape what he wanted again.

Hateful as that sentiment could be, L knew it was correct. He had bound himself to this beautiful, cruel creature. He had submitted to his darkened wings long ago and the poisons he had to offer. Poisons that could be bitter or oh-so-sweet as they slowly claimed him. He'd accepted his fate, the shackles that came with it, and the duty that came with it. His sole purpose now was to keep Light contained, to keep him from becoming too involved in the world around them and to keep him from holding the Death Note in his perfect, destructive hands ever again.

But it was not Light that horrified him now, it was himself.

L closed his eyes, regret simmering in the depths of his mind, overshadowed by the feeling of being laid back on the bed. How could he forgive himself? These sorts of errors were not acceptable... That things had been 95% successful was not enough. It did not preclude his greatest failing - that 5% which seemed as monstrous as anything greater might have been. It was a cruel twist of fate that made him fail the people he'd most wanted to deliver.

One email was all he'd received, but it had been enough.

'... You've scarred him. You said you were going to save him...'

A searing pain marked L's shoulder, burning his eyes with the sting of salt. He looked at Light resentfully as his skin, bearing what would surely prove to be the imprint of a full set of teeth, throbbed sharply.

"I'll not be second to your guilt, Ryuuzaki." The brunette's voice was low with warning. "Unless of course you want me to vent my frustrations upon you?" He was still far from tame, and perhaps never would be. Though these last several weeks had witnessed the almost total assimilation of Light's two selves, it by no means extinguished his darker side. It merely gave Light cognizance and more control. L was certain that under the right conditions, his control could still slip.

"You want to hurt me?" L said in a voice devoid of inflection. There was no accusation in it, no fear, no anything. Perhaps only a little something that might be taken as an invitation. It was unintentional. L really only wanted to know if Light still harbored the dark urges he'd shown previously, or if they had faded during the assimilation and in the increasing stability he'd felt in the bond tying them together. Without his two selves being at odds, Light had shown less inclination for violent behavior on the whole. But how much was he suppressing? What if all of the improvement was merely superb acting?

Light stared back at him, his pupils blown wide. "You want me to hurt you?" he returned, again avoiding a direct answer.

The question was anticipated, as were the tightly gripping hands that covered his own. He could feel Light's heartbeat as their chests pressed together... he could feel the soft thudding of it as if it were in his own ears, his own body, and knew what it meant that that pace quickened.

He did not respond, but held his breath as Light's mouth moved against his throat. Pulse pounding in his ears, he waited for the crush of teeth and the blinding flash of pain that would come if Light chose a sensitive spot. His body tensed as that mouth opened.

Things flashed through L's mind - all of the things he felt he'd done wrong, all the frustrations, all the many different things he wished he'd done differently. He prepared them all for the pain he hoped would cleanse them.

"Self-flagellation does not typically involve two people, Ryuuzaki."

L jumped in surprise, then tried to act like he hadn't. "What are you talking about?" His skin flushed burning hot, though Light's lingering mouth was even more so. Such thoughts... it was mortifying, horrifying to have had them, but to be discovered in such lunacy...

"You, who were always against such things, have suddenly decided that you want what you have countless times rejected? The only explanation is that you want to use me to satisfy some misplaced feelings of inadequacy. You want to be punished."

"That's not--"

Light chose to bite him then, and it was not the searing pain of absolution, but the blinding pain of pain itself. L's eyes flew open and he clenched his teeth to keep from making a sound, but he swore that Light's teeth had never sunk so deep. This was punishment of a different kind.

Light released him just as L's vision had begun to tint blotchily. He gasped a few sick breaths and would have clamped his hand to the wound at his neck, had he been allowed, but his hands were restrained so he simply lay still.

"Do you think me some kind of animal, that I would oblige you?" Light asked in a tone that was curiously implacable. Intense, yes, angry, yes, but there was more in it than just that. It might have been the fine tremor of restraint, but L was not of a mind to analyze so flawlessly. "Did you think that I would be ok with doing that?"

L regarded him gingerly, mind swarming from the pain, feeling utterly chastised. Have I misjudged him?

I thought that he would jump at the chance, the excuse to act on what I just saw in his eyes but without consequences. I felt his heart beating. I can still feel it now, jumping in his chest... Is he saying that he no longer desires such things? That he resents the assumption?

"First of all, I will not have you lying to me." Light's eyes flashed darkly. "You know exactly what you are asking me for."

L's head was still swimming from the force of the bite. Did Light have to be quite so rough? He was entirely capable of making a point with words alone, so it was hardly necessary to try to take a chunk out of his throat. Am I bleeding? "Second of all?" he prompted automatically. It was possible that he would have been moved at Light's vehement refusal to comply and his offence at being asked to, had he not been bleeding from the neck.

"How could I do that, knowing your mind is elsewhere?"

The blood was still hypothetical at this point, of course, but--

"What?" L asked abruptly, disbelief marking the word that interrupted his own mental chatter. Was the brunette saying what L thought he was saying? That his point of contention was not the causing of harm, but rather if L would be wholly focused on him while he did it?

"I don't want to see guilt filling your eyes," Light's words stroked him as their gazes locked. "I want to see me."

Gold eyes were intent upon him, challenging him for a response.

L stared back at him and tried to subtly tug his hands free. So Light was only angry because he wanted maiming on his own terms, not because his thinking had changed so much. He was obviously as self-focused as before, and as questionably reasonable as ever. "Forget it, I don't know what I was think...ing."

Light's tongue smoothed up his throat, passing over the place he'd bitten. It caused a throb of renewed pain at L's neck, and a throb of something else in his lower body.

"Stop it, Light," L commanded in a harsh voice. "Let me up. Now."

He needed to alter the situation before it proceeded. He hadn't seen that particular look in Light's eyes for a long time, the last time being when the Kira-like personality had offered his cooperation in exchange for the freedom to visit upon L whatever he liked. Sex was but a small part of that request - the rest was a labyrinthine field of psychological warfare and both physical and mental torment.

Thankfully, in the time immediately after that, Light's tangled mental state had rapidly improved and L had not been subject to his fears of what might happen. Part of that was due to L's carefully chosen words, and his attentive dispelling of any environment that was conducive to calling forth the darker aspects of Light's personality.

However, in the current situation, he could hardly leave the room or do much of anything unless Light released him.

Lips moved over L's collarbone as his shirt was pulled aside. Their possessiveness burned his skin. "I won't let you think about other things, L."

Light wasn't listening to him. He wasn't stopping his slow, deliberate tasting of L's body.

L flinched slightly as Light persisted - smoothing a hand over his chest and abdomen, stirring reticent desire. It grew stronger as that hand drifted down to his hip to trace its shallow curve, fluttering in his stomach and making him squirm. It had been a while since they'd been like this... weeks perhaps... and it made the feelings that much more inescapable. In all that time, in the preparation for the events at Wammy's House and during the confusion of the time afterwards, Light had not approached him like this with any degree of insistence. It seemed he had been trying to give L space and time, as much as he could.

It had been sort of heart-warming somehow. And somehow he now felt shy, though also anxious and a little scared. This territory was always far from stable. What if Light was not as together as he seemed? What if he started slipping?

"Light, I do not feel like doing this right now."

In response, Light bit him in the stomach. Swift, sharp, and so unexpected that L yelped in pain and agitation. "What was that for?!"

"I told you not to lie to me."

The brunette sat up abruptly, straddling L's hips, and pulled L's long-sleeved shirt over his head to trap his arms more easily.

"What makes you think I'm lying? I--" L broke off, suddenly distracted by the removal of Light's shirt.

He isn't listening to me. Not that Light should anyway... L was unable to take his eyes off of the lean body before him, nor ignore the inviting weight of it against his lap. It had been too long. Just seeing the look Light was giving him right now with those intense, bedroom eyes made his belly tighten with desire. He couldn't fight the brunette off when he was being so insistent, so seductive.

"I feel you reacting to me, Ryuuzaki." Light sank back down to him and kissed his lips, gently. "You want this as much as I do."

Feeling the hard length of another's body against your own was akin to the worst situation for resisting the siren's call of desire. L's body wished to move on its own - to move his hips upward and feel the shudder of pleasure that would accompany the solid heat of aroused bodies. He tried to fight it back, though; his reasons for beginning this were indeed of tormenting himself, but also maybe giving Light something that he wanted as well. It was an excuse with which to face the side of Light that scared him, to give him control to see if he abused that power, and to endure whatever came as a punishment for failing in his duty and not being good enough.

L hadn't intended to indulge himself like this, to succumb to simple passion, not after the botched events at Wammy's. It wouldn't be right. He was also a murderer... twice over, now. Surely he deserved a little suffering.

Despair at that reality tugged in L's chest as his mouth opened to Light's unwittingly, accepting the hot, sensuous slide of his tongue. Murderer. A wordless feeling swelled in him until he thought he would break. Bittersweet, it was both lovely and awful.

He almost wished to be broken, if only that would save him from it.

He writhed as if in torment, trying to flee it and the pressure building up inside of him. He tried to escape the slow roll of hips against his own, which was lapping at his control and fraying him at the edges.

He wanted to pull Light closer, or push him away.

He could do neither with his arms entrapped.

Light's lips pressed against his throat, worrying the dreadfully sore skin, sucking at it until pain lanced sharply through his flesh with every pull, forcing him to cry out. Was it his imagination that he thought he felt Light harden against him in reaction? And if it wasn't, could he claim that it bothered him so, when he felt his own body respond in kind, quickening to the harsh sigh against his skin and the lighter nips upon unmarked flesh?

"Light... this is--"

L choked on the words as Light's hand raked his side, thin burning trails that wiped whatever thought he'd been having straight out of his head. It dimmed his desire as well, waking him up to how perilous this situation could become. Tolerable now, toeing the line of what was acceptable, but how quickly might the tide turn and these hands become as cruel as they had been when belonging to Kira? Should such boundaries be tested so lightly?

But then Light was kissing his chest, soothing valid fears with soft caresses, and rubbing him with a gentle, maddening hand through the front of his pants that reshifted his focus yet again. L's head tossed back and forth upon the bed. It wasn't enough. It was too teasing, too tormenting to ever be enough.

Light drifted over the aching bite mark upon L's stomach and drew it into his mouth. The more pressure he exerted, the sharper that pain became, and the more boldly he stroked L through the layer of cloth. L's breath heaved in his chest. It was becoming impossible to tell where pleasure ended and pain began. It was disorienting and robbed L of his ability to think. It gnawed at him, creating an elusive sorrow that drifted in his chest.

He felt alone. Dreadfully alone.

Was it that this was becoming so similar to those other times, and it had just hit him now? There was no cruelty in these hands and the person before him, but it was still so strongly reminiscent to being at the hands of Kira, and of being raped - but what sense did that make when Light was essentially doing what he'd originally asked for?

How would this absolve me?

Even if I were torn apart, how would that help anyone but myself? What would that be but a distraction from my failures while I dealt with something more immediate?

It took him several moments to realize that Light was watching him, a pensive expression upon his face. How long...? There was no other contact upon his body but those eyes. They slipped in alongside his innermost thoughts, and he had to clench his own eyes closed to shut them out.

"You'll ruin yourself like this."

"Shut up."

"No," Light said.

L looked back up at him. "No?"

"Did you think that this would help you? And now that I have indulged you thus far, do you feel vindicated? Look what happens as you think of all these other things while doing this."

"Think only of you, was it?" L's tone was slightly mocking. "Do you think that is any more uplifting? What of these things I'll never reconcile, and with you at the center?"

"Deal with it."

L frowned darkly. "That's all you have to say? Deal with it?"

"Yes. Deal with it, and deal with everything else. Stop wallowing in self-torment about things you cannot change."

"I am not wallowing," L said him coldly. "I am analyzing my actions and the outcomes of various situations to discover where I went wrong. I cannot change what is past, but I can try to make better decisions in the future."

"Who says your decisions were not sound? I think you achieved the best possible outcome, according to your standards."

"My actions disfigured Mello and pushed the limits of his sanity, creating an unstable arsonist who is now on the loose." L was incredulous. "How is that a good outcome?"

"Well, you might have killed him," Light said blandly. "I think Matt might have hated you more if that was the case. As it stands, he might still get over it."

"Thank you, for that," L ground out.

Light sat back and frowned at him. "I was trying to be considerate by not voicing yet again the outcome I should have liked." His voice was sharpening, becoming armed. "It would have lacked these sorts of inconveniences as well."

L sat up and slid to the edge of the bed. "I need to go," he said, pulling on his wrinkled shirt. This conversation again... this callousness... He couldn't endure it right now. "I think we're out of bread," he murmured an excuse, not wanting to exacerbate things by giving the impression he was avoiding this and Light himself. Which he was. He went to the front door to collect his shoes. It looked miserable outside. Gray.

Fitting...

Light followed him to the doorway, blades hidden in his tone. "And what if I am not here when you get back?"

L turned, taking in the crossed arms and stiff body language that was at odds with the nearly pleasant expression on the brunette's face. Light seemed combative enough to mean... but he mustn't assume. Such a threat was too serious. It would be a direct blow to their arrangement, their flickering trust and of everything, really. Tension and agitation flowed into L's body and it was an effort to sound unaffected when he asked, "How do you mean that?"

"Exactly how it sounds. If you leave right now, I will not be here when you get back."

How dare you do this now? L thought at him, anger rushing through him like a wall of fire. After everything that has happened, you toss such words out so freely...

"You think you have the ability to just disappear?" L challenged him. "You actually believe that I wouldn't be able to find you?" This was preposterous. After all this time, and all the dangerous situations that they'd weathered, now is when he threatens to leave? And how could he? They were inexorably bound together, were they not? Light could not just walk out of this door and never return... He couldn't.

"Care to test me out? I'm sure the charm I'm told so frequently that I possess would go a long way in keeping me hidden."

Or is it not that Light couldn't walk out, never to return, but that I myself couldn't accomplish it?

It was a disturbing notion, as was the realization that here in England, there was even less to hold Light by his side than before. And he was not a dead man here. He wouldn't be recognized. Isn't that what they'd decided, and proven time and again with Light's recent freedom and his ventures outside? Was I too lax? Too trusting? Has he been using this time to plan his exodus? "Why now? I don't understand."

Light turned from him and walked back into the bedroom. L followed.

Love, L thought scathingly. Had I come to believe in such an ideal? How might something as insubstantial as that guarantee anything? Perhaps Light resents any feelings he harbors and wishes to be free of them. How then would that keep him with me once danger has dimmed for him and the time is opportune for him to slip away?

"Ryuuzaki."

L stiffened. He remained silent, watching the subtle play of expression upon the brunette's face and trying to anticipate what he was about to say. The tension in the sublime curve of his jaw put L even more on edge as gold eyes drifted to him in a cold, detached manner.

"My whole world has had you at the center of it for a long time now, for better or for worse."

L's hands clenched reflexively as the world dimmed around him. Were these ending words? He couldn't tell, only that they felt like the gathering pull precipitating something more powerful - like water receding into an oncoming wave.

"I cannot tolerate your total involvement and fixation on everything else," Light continued. "I can't be patient forever and you are stretching the bounds of my self-control." His eyes glinted darkly. "You know as well as I do what jealousy does to me and if it becomes any stronger, I will end up hurting you. You understand, don't you? You aren't leaving me much choice."

The words should have reassured him in some ways - Light was not fleeing his feelings... "But--" But at the same time, fleeing the intensity of his feelings was exactly what Light was petitioning, and the threat of abandonment was every bit as real.

"You are the only human being I have met that is on my level and can occupy me utterly, and yet you deny me access to you," Light bit out. "I can't stand having what I want be so close to me and so out of reach at the same time."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" L snapped, impatience brimming within him, leaking into his voice all the more for Light's conciliatory manner. "This bothers me a great deal, and 'getting over it' as you so glibly suggested is not some switch I can flick at your convenience!"

"So let me help you deal with it instead of trying to handle everything on your own."

"What help can you offer me when your impatience makes you insufferable, as well as immune to the trappings of morals? I cannot lay mine aside, despite your ideas of their general uselessness."

"Is there any reason you are trying to pick a fight?" Arctic air could not have been colder. Light was nearing the end of his patience in truth.

"I'm not! Not any more than you are." L was torn between trying to avoid further battle and trying to provoke Light out of the last vestiges of calm he'd adopted when making himself out to be the reasonable one. It chafed him that Light would start this off and then feign innocence. He never takes responsibility! "Should I be pleased you are still in the vicinity, or should I expect you to vanish any time it suits you now?"

"Ryuuzaki, you are deliberately mistaking my intent!"

"Am I?" L sneered. "So was that an idle threat? Or was I supposed to take that as a show of devotion?"

(Too far.)

Light struck him across the face.

The force of it whipped L's head to the side and he blinked rapidly at the sudden, shocked stinging of his flesh. Any words that had been rising to the surface had also been struck down, leaving only this bruised silence. He breathed in and out, eyes unfocused as they stared unseeingly. What was it that he felt fleeing him with the impact? This frantic anger that had possessed him, and his scathing words...

It was fear.

He was afraid he was losing Light.

L's inhibited rationality and his explosiveness were detrimental, above all else, when dealing with the brunette - he knew this from experience. Paranoia made it so hard to remain calm and talk this out. He was escalating this by his inability to be his neutral, calculating self. Light's intents and truths required a peeling back of layers, an exploration of subtleties, not this picking apart and taking offense at every word.

Light required his total and full attention.

That was the missing component, what was so obvious now, and so incalculable before.

He slowly brought his eyes back to the brunette. There was a tightness in his expression and only a shadow of apology in his gaze. It would never be voiced. But it did not need to be; he hadn't done anything wrong.

"It comes to mind that Light-kun is like a houseplant, and I have not given him enough water." L touched his rapidly swelling cheek. "Though a violent one at that," he added to himself.

"A houseplant?" Light looked taken aback, relieved and dismayed all at once, though his expression might have looked blank to an untrained eye.

L nodded distractedly. It was simple, wasn't it, once analyzed from a different field of view? Their relationship had been withering, drying up, like a forgotten plant - whole and well in memory, but struggling in reality. Light's provoking words had been a play to make him see that. The knowledge was such a relief, L couldn't help the strange humor that overtook him. "I confess that I cannot sing, and I've always been deficient in that regard..." Light probably worried that he'd knocked the sense right out of L instead of into him. But that was all right. "So in addition to water, it might be the talking that I have neglected as well."

"You..." Light looked torn between annoyance and amusement, "...choose the strangest analogies."

"There, there, Yami-chan**," L crooned blandly, creating a pet plant name out of the sounds of Light's family name, and patted the brunette's head without breaking expression. Light's indignant expression was worth the temporary endangerment of his extended arm. "I'm sorry for overlooking such a thing," L said with a touch more seriousness. Light's hair, as always, was silky and pleasing to touch. Just now, it felt a little humbling that the boy before him allowed him that luxury of closeness.

"Yami-chan?" There was a long pause. The quietness of the brunette's tone seemed in deference to the quality of L's silence. "That's what you would name a plant?" Light said finally, sounding like he might have asked any number of things instead.

"If it were you, of course." L reached for humor as the immediacy of the moment began to make him uncomfortable. These feelings... the strength of them...to which he was still so unaccustomed. "Otherwise, I might select from a list of my favorite sweets, which I hardly think you would deem acceptable."

Light's eyes slanted up at him, reading him all too well. "The longer you pat my head, the more convinced I'm becoming that you have sustained severe head trauma."

"I did. Maybe you shouldn't hit me so hard, Yami-chan?" L knew the name would irk him. It was a comforting sort of thing that he could rely on Light bristling in irritation over it - that he knew the brunette well enough to predict the reaction.

"Don't call me Yami-chan."

"If you feel guilty over potentially damaging my grey matter, Yami-chan," L harassed him lightly, "you could try an apology. I'm sure I would forgive you, even though brain damage is, unfortunately, irreversible."

Pat. Pat. Pat.

"L..."

Pat. Pat.

"Yes?"

"It might just be me," Light's voice did a mighty show of burying annoyance, in favor of the more subtle flair of solicitousness, "but you look as if a coffee and a caramel pecan truffle cake might do you some good."

A diversionary tactic.

And an exceedingly shrewd, well-placed, and devastatingly effective diversionary tactic at that. Enough so to curb his urge to continue pestering the other boy.

L stopped patting, his hand suspended in midair. "It is Wednesday, isn't it?" he said with wide eyes. He dearly loved that particular baked good and it was a special item that was only available once a week. "How could I have forgotten? Do you think they have any left?"

"There's only one way to find out."

L beamed then, the joy of baked goods overcoming him, and pressed a kiss to Light's mouth. "You're forgiven," he announced, pulling back again (with failing effort) as Light returned it with kisses that gently broke upon his lips and enticed him to pursue that thought and abandon the cake as soon as it was mentioned. He indulged himself with a lengthy taste of the brunette's mouth, and the warmth that it spread through his body, before moving out of reach in favor of his hated footwear. "Good work, Yami-chan," he praised the sullen brunette in an attempt to break the mood. "But we must make haste before they sell out." If they didn't stop now, he wouldn't be able to. He was being drawn in. But, dammit, he wanted that cake.

Light caught at his arm before he could leave. "What if we special order an entire cake and pick it up later?" He tilted L's face up to his, brushing their lips together tantalizingly. "I'll feed it to you in bed if you like."

"But that won't be until tomorrow at least," L complained against that insistent mouth. It opened up against his, slow and sweet, delving inside with a sinfully silken tongue. His eyes drifted closed and his fingers closed upon Light's arms to brace himself. Sensation trickled through his body, making it hard to think of leaving.

"Can't you wait until then?" Light murmured in his ear, making him shudder.

"But... I want it now..." he tried to protest, his voice sounding too breathy and lascivious.

"And I want you now," the brunette insisted in a sex-laced voice, pulling him closer and drawing a caressing hand down L's back. Desire twisted tightly in L's gut. "Weren't you going to stop neglecting me?"

"Wasn't..." L faltered on the question as he temporarily forgot how to form words. Light's body pressed against his and he was being walked backwards as lips played at his neck. "Wasn't cake today supposed to be your apology..." Dear god, why did this feel so good? "...for wiping out my brain?" What a one-sided battle this was turning out to be.

"Cake today and a whole cake tomorrow," Light said as he pushed L down onto the bed. "Indulge me, L," he urged in a breathless, wanton voice that had L's pulse hammering in his throat even before Light's lips descended on his.

Why has it been so long?

Why did I let it be so long...? he berated himself as Light methodically burned him up. This wordless connection, and the utter honesty it forced on them... it wasn't only Light who needed this, they both did. He was fooling only himself when he thought he could do without. He'd been neglecting their connection, being present without being present, talking without truly communicating. He'd been barring intimacy on the grounds that he was too overwhelmed with everything else that was going on, as well as harboring a lingering fear that Light's cruel streak might still be too close to the surface and uncontrollable. What he had done was removed all avenues that Light had of getting to him, and expecting him to be content with that.

He'd been wrong, but he had been too deep within it to see it and too preoccupied to note Light's greater efforts and increasing dissatisfaction.

L gasped as air-cooled hands touched his heated flesh, removing his jeans and pushing his legs apart. He bit his lip as Light took him in hand, branding him with the feel of ownership as his hand moved possessively and devastatingly.

"Light..." the name slipped passed his lips on a breath of air.

I'm going to implode.

Light captured L's eyes in a heated gaze. "I can't be gentle," he warned, spreading L's legs wider. "You have me wound too tightly for that."

L's pulse beat like a triphammer as Light pulled one of his legs over his tawny shoulder and lay down between his thighs. Spread wide open and pinioned, L could do nothing but take deep, stilted breaths as Light's arousal pressed slick and ready against the entrance of his body. They'd never done it like this... always there was at least some preparation, some attention from coaxing hands. Light felt too large against him, impossible to take within himself.

But it was such a slick, hard pressure that insisted upon him and his own arousal was was enough to make his hips shift upwards, allowing the tip to penetrate him with glacial movement, fighting the tightness of his body. Whispered words in his ears stoked the fire already running rampant within him and Light was able to slowly sink inside.

"Ryuuzaki," Light groaned into L's hair when he had gotten as far inside of L as the confines of flesh would allow.

L's breathing was shallow as he tried to adjust to the width of him within his unprepared body. It didn't really hurt, at least - it was more like being filled past capacity. A little uncomfortable, perhaps, especially with the tension a high state of arousal carried. He'd be fine if he just had a few moments to adjust--

Light slid out of him then, nearly all the way before filling him up again, so much faster this time that the pressure forced a groan from his lips. It was almost unbearable, but in a way that brought a vicious flush to his face. He panted as he tried to collect himself, eyes screwed shut. His entire body was throbbing to the beat of the second heart inside of him.

"You look so sexy like that," Light breathed in his ear. His lusty voice sent a thrill up L's spine. "Does it hurt?"

"N...ah!" he cried out, as Light thrust into him before he ever completed the tiny little word 'no'. And it did not stop there... as soon as that one completed, the next one began and he could not keep up. Couldn't.

Sounds spilled from his mouth as Light moved within him. And at some uncatalogued point, the brunette issued a change in him - defecting every single nerve and fiber of his being into a mindless craving for that pressure. L dug his fingers into Light's back, his hips rising to meet the brunette's, driving the insane pace to furious new levels.

Light's mouth fell against his and the kiss was desperate, uncontrolled, and open enough to allow for the gasps of air they both drew.

The feel of a hand upon his aching arousal caused the whole thing to spiral out of control. Stroked in time to those razing thrusts, unaware of the actions his mind or body took after that, L was conscious only of the sharpening, maddening, surging edge of release. When it snapped through him like a whipcrack, it was very nearly painful and was accompanied by a sharp cry that may or may not have been his own. His body tremored and shuddered against the body above him, that which sank so fully inside of him that he could barely differentiate it from his own. It caged him as his spine bowed and bore down on him when he collapsed, boneless and wasted.

A soft, roughened whisper in his ear was the last thing he noted before blanking out. He wasn't aware of it, but the words painted contentment upon his sleeping face.

---

It was unusual, but Light rose first, leaving L to continue his slumber alone.

He slipped out of the bed, his limbs lethargic and slow in a protest of abandoned restfulness. But his mind was not suited to such pursuits any longer, he could feel it humming and whirring insistently.

"Ryuuk," he called softly, padding across the room. His plastic shopping bags were where he left them: in the next room which housed both the small kitchen, a diminutive dining area, and the door that led to the outside world. The door that led to freedom. He smiled. Another country, another life. Oh, how it had lightened his spirits to be able to step outside, to move under his own power as himself.

The Shinigami made no reply, but that did not concern Light. The bags rustled quietly beneath his fingertips as he searched through them. It pleased him that L no longer inspected his purchases, nor analyzed his absences to the extent that he should have. It made things simpler.

Light pulled an ovoid, fleshy apple from one of the bags and set it upon the rickety aluminum fold-out table at which they took some of their meals. It looked striking against the sickly pale aqua top and a little out of place. Beside it, he lined up two more - a plumper, yellow-green apple and one that was a speckled red.

After that, Light passed back through the bedroom, verifying L's unconscious state, and into the tiny hall that opened up off of it. The small bathroom was there, and the second bedroom which in truth seemed hardly equipped to be such. It was Light's own personal room, though they'd never openly spoken of it. The larger room held the bed they often shared, the television and other items that one might see in a living room or a study, but only L's personal affects. This one held Light's and he knew that it was meant as a place of containment, should L ever feel the need. He had not been stupid enough to miss the shine that marked the double-sided deadbolt as new, nor was such hardware likely to be commonplace, even in England.

It was amusing how L both trusted him and distrusted him to extremes. To let him outside, unsupervised, yet keep a setup such as this - a box in which he could enclose him if Light was ever to slip up...

Haha.

It was also sort of irritating.

Light reached into the closet, pulling out something to wear, ignoring his reflection on the mirrored door. He might as well shower before going outside, he thought, padding into the hall and into the avocado-green tiled bathroom. It was an awful color, lining the floors and souring the lower half of the walls. The entire place looked like a shower stall, and was about the size of one, though the short retention wall that bisected the floor made it clear that an even smaller space was reserved for that purpose.

Light balanced his clothing upon the lone towel bar which held both of their towels, finished stripping, and pulled the shower curtain closed.

The pipes rattled and chugged before spitting out lukewarm water. It was an old building, after all.

Closing his eyes, he stepped beneath the spray, relishing the increasing heat as it ran over his body. Heat that flooded his mind and body with delightful reminders of L as he relaxed into it. It had been so long since he'd gotten inside that slender, pale body... So long since he'd been allowed close. So very long since he'd heard L cry out and felt that body shuddering against his...

Light relived the little details, dwelling upon them until the stirring of his desire became too immediate. He took his washcloth in hand, rubbing the bar of soap into it, watching as the white lather foamed up and thinking of all of the things he would have liked to do - still wanted to do. Once was not enough after so long. Not nearly enough. There were not enough hoarse cries to fill his satisfaction, or gasping breaths, or choked moans. There was not enough of those eyes going hazy and mindless as they clouded with lust.

There was not enough of that pale, pale skin.

Light ran the washcloth over his chest and his shoulders, slowing as he slid it down his stomach.

'Do you want to hurt me?'

(Can I?)

'Do you want me to hurt you?'

The reason for it had been all wrong, and unacceptable. Yet Light hadn't been able to quiet the thrill that pursuing the thought gave him. L was so guarded... restrictive... To be given free reign and have L submit to him fully, to take anything Light chose to give him...

It was an aphrodisiac. And he couldn't deny that L's face, torn between pain and pleasure was beyond exciting to see. Hurt. It wasn't that Light wanted to really hurt him. Not really. But he was so taken with the sight of L enduring for him that he couldn't help but want to rip into him a little. How scintillating it was to feel L react to him with desire even then.

Light's hand stroked over his hip.

It probably wasn't right to feel like this.

L didn't approve of it at all... yet he had stepped inside that territory, boldly offering Light something that he wasn't supposed to want. Seeing if he would take the bait. Testing him.

Light's hand slid over his wakening desire, a sigh escaping his lips.

Bastard, he thought aimlessly as his hand moved. How can you offer yourself to me like that? How can I resist, even when your reasons for doing so make me want to hurt you in truth?

Want to hurt you...

Want to be inside of you...

Want to see nothing but myself in your dark, damning eyes...

That was the only thing that could pull him away from the other boy's vulnerability - seeing his eyes and blame and doubt and conflict within them that had nothing to do with Light but a million other things instead. Vulnerable... no, it was more like he was untouchable. Unreachable, to the extent where undue force would be needed to pull him back. It would be a total lack of restraint - a display of cruelty on his part. That at least was distasteful to him. That was the sort of hurt that L was really asking him for, and he would not comply. It would break L, and it would break something in Light as well. As it was, he felt darker urges humming in the back of his mind, vying for acknowledgement. Indulging them would lead to a loss of control, a gateway into the parts of himself he was trying to put back into place. Parts that whispered too convincingly if he showed any lack of resolve.

Light leaned against the tiled wall, seeing the reddened marks his mouth had drawn on L's stomach and throat and clenching his teeth as the ache in his body intensified. L's stomach, the concavity between his hips that made him seem so fragile... Light couldn't help but drift lower, wanting, wanting to take L into his mouth and take control over him in that way. He wanted to taste the heat that he had kindled in L's slim frame, to gloat over his ability to do such a thing and torment L with it.

But being inside of L was even better... there, the flame burned brighter, hotter, and he had access to L's helplessly lustful mouth. L might not be aware of it - the way his body jerked and called to Light's when their mouths met and the way that their movements synchronized, pulling out an even deeper pleasure.

"Ryuuzaki," he uttered as his body began to shudder, tensing dramatically before release. Oh how he wanted to do it again - sliding between trembling thighs, burying himself into that tight heat and the soft curve of L's neck. He wanted those unrestrained cries as L took him in, needed them ringing sharply in his ears as he lost himself.

"Nn..." he gasped as he came, folding in on himself and sinking to the floor as it took the strength from his legs.

L was an idiot not to realize the sort of power he had. Truly.

The water danced upon his back, a soft staccato as he caught his breath. He rolled his head back to feel it on his face.

Should he be content to let L hold such sway over him? He'd been behaving so well lately, and all that had gotten him was nothing. It was only with threats that L began to really see him again, and only after a fight that he'd been able to touch him. It was a wonder he'd held out this long. It was no exaggeration when he said he was losing patience and that his aggravation would make him want to lash out. He was not good at waiting. He needed L to move past his hangups enough to let him in again, or something would have to change.

Despite L's insistence that it was his own decision to forfeit the death note, and that even touching it merely to be able to see the Shinigami would undo everything.... he wondered. Would he really get all of his memories back that way? Would Kira definitely become a part of him once more, and was Kira much worse than the dark side that already inhabited him?

How could he help but muse over these things? He'd never lost his desire to have his curiosity answered... in fact, he believed that if only he knew more, he would be better equipped to sort through the situation at hand. L was not handling it all very well on his own. He needed help.

And the Shinigami... he wanted to see it. It bothered him that he could not, and that L refused to accurately relay to him what it was doing at any given moment or even what it was saying. He felt at a disadvantage.

Light finished his shower and dressed. He was calmer now, able to think once more. L no longer possessed his mind to an irrational degree, he noted, letting his eyes slide over the still form as he passed. That was good.

The apples were no longer on the table. "You're welcome, Ryuuk," Light murmured with a smile. He admitted, he was trying to get on the thing's good side, just in case. It was working to some extent. The apples disappeared with increased speed and, lately, sometimes while he watched. The sick, wet crunch of them was rather unappealing, but the manifestation of the Shinigami's presence was fascinating. "What a shame that I have no way to determine which ones you favor..." said as if to himself. As far as Light knew, a notebook was required to see the being, but that did not mean there were not other ways. It was something to think about.

L was unaware of his experimentation. Apples were a necessity in any event, a daily supplement for both L and Ryuuk, though Light was not quite sure when the detective might have developed an affinity for them.

Light shrugged and picked up a set of keys and his jacket. But enough of all that. He had work to do.

---

TBC

A/N: If the time gap and such has left you with questions, don't assume that things will not be addressed - next chapter will lay more to rest. I'm working on it already and hoping to get it out in a couple weeks. (By god, Jim, I'm a fanfic writer not a professional author!) Aaaand it may really be the last one. Stop snickering, those of you who have witnessed such claims in the past! *shakes fist weakly*

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A/N 2: *Yami-chan

["There, there, Yami-chan*," L crooned blandly, creating a pet plant name out of the sounds of Light's family name and patting the brunette's head without breaking expression. Light's indignant expression was worth the temporary endangerment of his extended arm....]

'Yami' being the Japanese word for 'darkness', is an offhanded acknowledgement to Light's dark side, while 'chan' is a cutesy form of address that can be taken as L poking fun at Light or downplaying that dark side. (Kind of like slapping a huge, fuzzy heart sticker onto the devil's bum while copping a feel, it could be seen as quite irreverent.)

---

A/N 3: If you are wondering what Light might have said to L right before his brain dropped of the radar in a fit of post-consummation satiation and are just dying to know what it was....

"I love you, idiot."

Full of snarky romance, that one. (haha) *shakes head at Light* Also, in-keeping with his habit of telling L stuff when he thinks L won't hear him. ;)