Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ PITCH ❯ Coming Home ( Chapter 29 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: selena281 
Anime/Manga: Death Note Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / Romance / Angst / Drama / Comedy | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 08.16.2011 | Pages: 6 | Words: 8.2K | Visits: 261 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Death Note Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / Romance / Angst / Drama / Comedy | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 08.16.2011 | Pages: 6 | Words: 8.2K | Visits: 261 | Status: Work In Progress
PITCH
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Light x L
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Part 28
L is a reclusive detective who takes his job seriously. Too seriously, in fact. Once he takes note of how neglected and stagnant his life truly is, he decides to make some changes. Challenges arise through an unanticipated meeting. AU
A/N: Sorry for the tardy update, had beta scheduling issues. :(
On the up-side, though, I have the next chapter all ready to go. Proof-read and all. And a good bulk of the chapter after that is already written as well.
Disclaimer: (See part 1 for full disclaimer.)
Pitch: (def.)
A substance commonly utilized to bind materials in construction... Tar pitch appears solid, and can be shattered with a hard impact, but it is actually fluid. Pitch flows at room temperature, but extremely slowly. To attain maximum fluidity, to be used, it must be exposed to heat.
Minds are like pitch. To reveal their full potential, they must be exposed to environs that apply stress. They must be challenged.
Part 28: (Coming Home)
Raito found himself wanting another cigarette almost as soon as he finished the one he had with him.
He debated going back to the store yet again, before he got too far. He wanted the bracing feel of thick, tingling smoke lacing his lungs. But on the off chance that Lawliet was still where he'd left him, Raito decided that returning without distraction really was for the best. His fingers itched to hold another cigarette. Something to do, and something with which to appease his oral fixation.
It made him feel better when he had such a prop - it gave him something to do with his hands.
He had more at home, he reminded himself as he trudged back. Not that he would necessarily have the opportunity to indulge... If the detective was still there, conscious, he didn't see how wasting time on a common breezeway just to feed his habit was going to be admissible.
---
Raito looked up and realized he'd passed the walk faster than he'd thought. He was already at his building and had barely noticed.
Jesus. How much more distracted could I possibly get?
He flicked his cigarette butt into a trash bin just inside the gate and headed up the stairs. Something in him was bracing against what he was about to find upon opening his door. The worst would be if Lawliet had left. Disappeared, maybe for the last time. It trickled through him like ice and was followed by a swift flush of anger.
It was almost funny how quickly he converted compromising emotions into more palatable ones that offered him control. He scowled, digging into his pocket for the key. It wasn't a conscious effort or anything like that. It just was. And he could still feel it underneath the anger: trepidation, anxiety. Foreign emotions. Ones he felt ill at ease enduring. Ones he felt he should never have been made to feel in the first place. It kindled resentment that Lawliet was able to spark such ugly things in him. It was such power for the eccentric man to hold over him.
He unlocked the door and it gave way before him, telling him nothing about what he might find inside. It was a silent sentinel.
'Lawliet?' he almost called out. But no, he wouldn't. Either the other man was not here, and Raito would feel a fool for calling to him, or he was here and would know that Raito expected he might have fled his presence. No, Lawliet should expect me to expect him here. He shouldn't be allowed to think leaving was acceptable.
Raito put the food in the refrigerator, sliding it onto the top shelf, bag and all. That done, he washed his hands, mind on the bedroom, considering different approaches and scenarios. His hands were slow upon the dish towel, drying the water upon them.
It was not until he saw Lawliet within his bedroom, sitting upon the bed and manipulating his phone with clever, spidery hands that tension he had not noticed before seeped from his shoulders.
He watched the detective for a moment, an idle thought passing through his head - that he wished it was his right to look upon the other man like this at any time of his choosing. That was part of what living together might have gained him. Nothing would be amiss in his staring, analyzing, and committing little details to memory like cherished trivialities. That dark, wayward hair, the darker eyes it scattered across and obscured... the sometimes-expressive face with its austere mask that could be slipped on and off at will, the smooth, pale cheeks that could flush with color in such intriguing ways...
All of these were things he wanted to own, things he wanted to lay claim to. And to think that he couldn't, that such a thing was yet out of his reach, was frustrating and burned in his chest like a hot poker. He wanted Lawliet to look at him with the recognition in his eyes that he was regarding an equal being. He wanted that sharp wit on the tip of his tongue. He wanted that elusive, quick smile that he'd seen on rare occasions.
He spoke before his thoughts dragged him down even further, not a master of his own mind. "I brought dinner." He worked to at least make his voice appear unaffected. "Are you hungry?" His words made the other man look up from his phone. He could lose himself in that quiet gaze.
Lawliet nodded after a moment. His dark eyes were enigmatic and active with thought as they held his.
Raito found it inordinately difficult to break the meshing of their weighty gazes. There was such intimacy in that uncharted territory... such unparalleled knowing, as if eyes could peel back layers of the soul. He was pulled in and entrapped by it as much as he was loath to be viewed in such excruciating detail and to possibly be judged. "When you're ready," he offered simply, letting the prompt hang in the air as he left the room.
He wondered how flawless his assertion for control appeared to the other. Did he seem as unflappable, calm and steady as he was engineering himself to be? Did he appear as inoffensive, reasonable, and normal as he was trying for? Or could Lawliet detect his desperation? His possessiveness?
The containers of food had metal bottoms, so he had to dump the gyoza upon two plates in order to heat them up. He hoped the detective did not find cause to look into his cabinets, seeing the laughable fact that he'd unpacked things in sets of two. Two forks, two knives, two plates, two bowls, two cups. It was pitiable, wasn't it? he thought with a stubborn set to his jaw. As if such preparations would somehow make Lawliet living here a reality. He scoffed at his own foolishness.
The dumplings had just finished in the microwave when Lawliet appeared on the edge of the poor excuse for a kitchen. Raito waved him to a seat at the plain, square wooden table and set their plates upon it.
It was a small table, a bit cramped, and their knees were nearly brushing beneath it.
Ratio took the lead, cutting into one of his dumplings. It was unconventional to actually bisect them, but made it easier to soak them in the thin, salty sauce that accompanied them. He put the piece of gyoza in his mouth and chewed, not disappointed with the flavor but only because he hadn't been expecting much. A moment later and he was able to note with satisfaction that L was doing the same, following his example. "I'm sorry it's not all that good," he apologized.
Lawliet shook his head and murmured a thank you for the meal. "You were right, I may be running a slight fever. I really needed to eat something."
Raito debated saying it, then went ahead anyway. "We could go out somewhere," he offered. These dumplings would surely not be the highlight of anyone's week. "I would have suggested it before-" he continued off-handedly, as if it hadn't been a matter of great debate in his own mind, "-just so the food would be better, but I thought you would not be inclined."
"This is fine."
Indeed, Lawliet seemed quite ok with such meager fare.
Poor a meal as it was, sharing it together like this... it was nearly cathartic. Simple motions went into the use of silverware - the gentle sawing of a knife, the lifting of a fork - and the act of slowly making the gyoza fewer in number. The atmosphere was also much less rigid than before.
Raito rested his chin on his hand, feeling a sort of contentment just in watching him. The edginess that had lain between them was relaxing further, as if they were both successfully letting down their guards. "Well, the point was getting you to eat." And Lawliet was, in fact, eating. Mission accomplished.
L finished a dumpling then casually said, "So, you made a special trip just to buy me food?" His dark eyes flitted upward just in time to see Raito stiffen.
"What makes you say that?" Raito busied himself with cutting another piece off of one of his gyoza and dipping it in the sauce.
"Didn't you?"
Raito didn't like the sudden feeling that he was being pinned down. It made him uneasy. He popped the food in his mouth and chewed, giving himself more time. He gestured airily with the fork. "I needed a lighter," he said dismissively. "The food was an afterthought."
---
And wasn't that a bald faced lie, L thought, mildly amused. A complete reversal of what he'd seen take place. For Raito had secured the food first, and gone in for the lighter as an afterthought.
Ah, but he doesn't know that I followed him.
L found it exceedingly interesting to see the difference in what was, and what the brunet was choosing to present. He also found it interesting that Raito was avoiding owning up to the act of caring he'd displayed. It seemed he was not comfortable with such things.
In fact, that Raito was not instantly playing suave, or lavishing him with claims of caring was actually doing more to convince L that he was being authentic than anything else might have. It was also strangely pleasing to be able to poke at those unnamed feelings obliquely and watch the brunet enact his version of squirming.
"Is that so?" L replied, shading his voice with the slightest trace of disappointment and dropping his eyes. He poked at a dumpling in a listless manner, furthering the effect, but his attention was utterly fixed on the brunet, waiting for his reaction.
He sensed the immediate tensing from the other side of the table. A surreptitious glance confirmed that Raito seemed uncomfortable, like he was debating owning up to his action.
"And what if I had?" the brunet said reluctantly in a manner that could only be described as petulant.
"Had what?" L queried, letting his voice drag with that touch of a saddened tone. He didn't know that his own acting could ever be as flawless as the brunet's but perhaps it might be passable enough for this. He maintained pushing a dumpling around on his plate for another moment before looking up with discouraged eyes. For added effect, he sealed the look behind blankness and replaced it with a neutral questioning look, as if he were trying to hide a reaction.
Raito's eyes averted the moment he looked up. He was frowning and looked discomfited over something. "What if I did go just for you?" Quick flash of amber eyes. Assessing. Diverted again.
L let confusion touch his expression. "Well, if you had, why would you deny it?"
Oh, this was rich. He could practically feel Raito squirm, caught between tossing out an easy lie or admitting the truth, though his facade was nearly seamless enough to mask it.
L was surprised though when Raito suddenly pushed out his chair and stood up from the table. He looked as if he might be about to say something. Instead, he began to pace. His hand came up to rest upon the back of his neck as he strode from the table. A gesture of frustration?
L scraped his own chair back, but before he could stand, Raito's circuit brought him back to the table. The hand upon his neck dropped and the brunet's face adopted a defiant look. "I was worried about you. You seemed too thin, like you weren't eating."
L blinked.
He had to admit, he felt astounded at such an admission. Not entirely regarding the admission itself, but that the brunet was having such trouble admitting something so innocuous. L let that show freely upon his face. "You almost sound as if you're trying to say that you care." He was pretty sure the faint sarcasm would goad a reaction from the brunet.
Raito bristled. "I figured you wouldn't believe me if I said as much."
"Try me," L responded, deadpan, staring back with eyes that were utterly serious and full of challenge.
Instantly, the brunet did a fair impression of a deer caught in headlights.
L was certain that a myriad of responses were being considered in that moment of stillness. However, he was not privy to any of them, as Raito suddenly turned on his heel and quit the room.
"Hey--" he said, scrambling out from around the table. "Raito!"
He'd barely entered the hallway when the bedroom door slammed shut, practically in his face. He paused, utterly flummoxed. What on earth?
---
Raito was fuming. Lawliet - dear, sweet, innocent Lawliet - had been taking him for a ride. He hadn't even seen it until the end when he'd been asked to hand out some kind of confession. The change in those eyes... they were too certain suddenly and contained none of the hurt from before.
Oh, he hated being played a fool!
That the insomniac had done so effortlessly was proof of his own distraction.
He gritted his teeth as he leaned back against the locked door, sucking in a deep breath, nerves still jangling from that one moment of crystallized panic where he thought he would have to bare all. In a way, it would be liberating, and yet... just the contemplation of doing such a thing grated intolerably at his sensibilities.
"Raito?" Lawliet was calling him through the door.
He didn't answer. His fists clenched. What was he to say? And he could not very well stay in here for long, not after wrenching the door closed behind him with audible force. So juvenile. Excuses had to be made - fabricated - and control of the situation had to be gained. Then this fluttering, nerve-wracking pressure would lose its hold.
"Is something wrong?" the detective added, raising Raito's indignation.
He considered saying, 'No, nothing.' Instead, he decided to improvise and responded only with the unlocking of the door. It had been childish to lock it in the first place. He hadn't consciously decided to, it had just been a reflex. A slammed door to vent his anger, and the lock to keep the source of his anger and frustration away from him while he gathered the cinders of his self-possession. But what he needed now was to turn this around. Through control of the situation, he would gain control of himself, and he would leave no room for his companion to look too closely at him and analyze his recent behavior.
Raito swung the door open and the detective seemed surprised to see him standing there, glaring imperiously. It made him want to be cruel. It made him want the upper hand. "You thought you would toy with me, did you? And believed that I would not see through your games?"
Lawliet looked shifty. "Why would I toy with you?"
Raito graced him with a cutting smile as he left the doorway and drifted close. "Did you think you'd upset me?" his tone was mocking and somewhat obscene. He was mollified when Lawliet took a step back, a brief flicker of uncertainty shadowing his eyes. "Are you disappointed?" he queried softly with a menacing gaze. He reached out, cupping his hand against that pale face, leaning in as if to kiss it.
And he was quite taken then with the idea of pushing the dark-haired man into a corner, pressing intimacy on him and watching the control shift back into his own court. His fingers curled under Lawliet's chin and tilted uncertain lips to his. There, there was that slight, full-body tensing that told him he had the upper hand. He exploited it fully, claiming the other's lips forcefully. He reveled in the hitching of the other's breath.
Raito walked them backwards, pressing his daring little insomniac against the wall and plundering his mouth with little reserve.
His body throbbed in response. Oh, this he had missed.
Being gentle and coaxing as he'd been before lacked this heightened intensity. He could feel the frown upon the face that couldn't part from his and the resistance in Lawliet's too-thin body. Could he help that pushing these boundaries made him feel so alive? It was perfect - that the hands that fisted against his chest lacked the resolve to truly keep him away, and that they would soon betray the detective's attraction with something as precious as a tremor...
He was quite taken with all of it. With all of him.
Why must he be asked to voice these things? Voice these feelings. It should be obvious, apparent. You feel what we have between us, I know you do, he thought fiercely. And what good were words? It was action that held truth and weight. Was he to say something so cliché as 'I love you'? The words themselves meant nothing, and were uttered by millions who didn't understand the emotion they were intended to convey, nor did they necessarily care.
To put such labels to they way he felt... cheapened it.
"Why do you want empty words?" Raito murmured against soft lips. He was losing himself in the smell, taste, and feel of the person before him and it was rolling his mind. You're perfect. "It's a waste."
He lightened his demand upon Lawliet's mouth, kissing him slower and sweeter, wishing that there was nothing beyond this moment. If only the bonds they forged here could last past the clearing of their heads. Was there no way to tie them together as one, aside from the joining of flesh?
Lawliet broke from the kiss to speak, lips moving against Raito's as the brunet contemplated letting him voice anything at all. The air was close and charged between them. Humid and delightfully claustrophobic. "If they are so empty, why do you have such trouble with them?"
"Maybe because you put such weight on them," Raito spoke without thinking.
"Or do you fear rejection of the first honest feelings you've had?"
---
L felt Raito grow still against him. His words were merely a guess, but it looked as if they'd struck home.
He held on to the brunet, not sure if he was going to flee the area like last time. He knew that Raito had been upset not long ago. His posturing afterwards had taken L off guard for a moment, but then it became obvious that Raito was doing it in order to protect himself. Knowing that the brunet actually felt compromised made his heart clench. A showing of any sort of weakness in the invincible being that Raito seemed to be was noteworthy and affected him strongly. Perhaps there were parts of him that were fragile enough to need such elaborate guarding?
"I didn't expect you to say anything in particular," L said quietly, addressing the brunet's earlier question about confessions: 'Why do you want empty words?' And he really hadn't expected anything in particular. Though at the table earlier, he had to admit he had been pushing for... something. He'd been starting to learn the shape of the brunet's feelings, but he wanted some sort of verbal confirmation to give life to his suppositions. Instead, Raito was set on avoiding such, and nearly denying his feelings at every turn, despite evidence of their existence. L had wanted to grab the brunet by the face and force him to look at it, to acknowledge it.
"Good," Raito said, still tense and unyielding. "Because I have nothing to say."
L released him and as he'd thought, the brunet pulled away. "Nothing to say to me?"
"Nothing," the younger man agreed. "I've said everything already."
L's arms hung lifelessly at his sides, and the wall at his back supported him better than his still rubbery legs. Raito's impassioned attentions waged war on his self-possession. He willed his body back under control. Not that it was listening. "You're adamant about that? Cooperation and resolution meant nothing to you?"
Raito scoffed. "Lawliet, I've turned my life upside down for you, I miss you when you are away from me, and I think about you constantly. If you must have a label, can't you create one for yourself? What more can I say except that I don't want to be parted from you?"
L felt his face color. Not only at the sentiments, but for how foolish the brunet had made him sound for requiring some sort of concrete statement of his feelings. As if he were saying, 'Look at how obvious it is. How could you not see it?' It figured that the brunet might give him what he'd asked for but in such a way that he nearly regretted asking for it. Nearly.
Raito's eyes caught onto that and suddenly he did not seem so keen to pull away. He nearly looked intrigued now. "You're embarrassed by what I've said?"
('I think about you constantly.')
L shook his head, but being under such close scrutiny made his face flush harder. Why must he press me in this way? It hardly seemed fair. But how could he help reacting to the brunet's words when he was finally starting to believe them to be the truth? ('I don't want to be parted from you.') From what he'd seen today...
But Raito was not about to leave him to such musings in peace.
"Shy all of a sudden?" Raito leaned in to croon at his ear, gently taunting. The brunet was lapping up his discomfort, feeding on it, his voice carrying one of those curling, lascivious smiles. "And I've yet to hear such words from your lips..."
Ugh. Raito was catching onto things too easily. "Y-you just said that words are empty."
"Oh, but not with you, they aren't," Raito said silkily, warming to this new form of torture. "Therefore, you have an obligation to fulfill."
L found that the brunet had gotten a good grip on his chin and was tipping his face up so that their eyes met fully. He squirmed as that pleasantly amused gaze burned into his.
"You missed me, didn't you?" Raito said with assurance, his eyes scouring his face. "You wouldn't have come here otherwise." The brunet cornered him with the words. "You could have let me disappear."
L couldn't hide anything this point blank.
Oh, how that fact galled him. He hated being unable to dispense chosen tidbits of information from behind the shield of put-on expressions.
"Yes, I missed you," he admitted grudgingly, stubbornly only giving what Raito was leading him to say and no more. As he voiced this truth, however, pain sparked through him as he recalled just how very much he'd missed him. He felt it touch his face, which in the end would give the brunet exactly what he wanted.
Raito's amber gaze flickered over his face searchingly for a long moment.
"Lawliet, let's dispense with this. Whatever you want to call it - I believe we feel the same." His eyes dimmed as he paused, seemingly searching for the words he wished to say next. "Can we not give this another chance?"
The unspoken sentiment lingered in the air: Can you not give me another chance?
L's head was full of things such as the apologies the brunet really owed him, the transgressions with Misa, and so many other things. And will that all be swept under the carpet if I say yes? Despite this, he found himself nodding warily.
Raito looked as if a great weight might have been lifted from his shoulders. It was subtle, but his countenance lightened and there was a faint shine across his eyes. He pulled L into a crushing embrace just as a smile threatened to manifest upon his face. "Thank you," he whispered with intensity, burying his head against L's neck.
L brought his arms up around the younger man, holding him close.
His own discontent still scraped within his chest, but it was second to the quickening he felt at bestowing this sort of forgiveness. It was a leap of faith he couldn't entirely be sure was warranted... but he got the feeling that the brunet was repentant for the things he had taken issue with, though it had yet to be voiced. He sensed that things might be different now. Bittersweet was the emotion gripping him. Was it really possible that they could repair the damage that had been done? Was it possible to dispel this awkwardness he now felt in the wake of unsettled elation?
"Do you need help unpacking?" L asked cautiously, trying to create an opening - an opportunity for them to persist in each other's company, though he'd been dead set on leaving previously. It sounded lame even to him. He doggedly continued, "You seem like you have not made much progress if you have been here for several days."
Raito pulled back, and the naked expressions had already been properly shuttered and contained. "You'd stay here?" he asked, searching L's face carefully.
"If you like," he responded, choosing his words purposely to make the brunet admit that he would want something like that, instead of putting the impetus on himself.
Raito recognized that and, for once, did not balk at it. "I would."
He seemed about to add something else, but L's stomach growled loudly, reminding them both of the abandoned gyoza. "Stupid," Raito said under his breath, as if intending the word for himself. "You didn't have a chance to eat much at all, did you?" He assessed L with a critical eye as if he might disappear for having missed a meal. Until this moment, food had been all but forgotten.
L shook his head to the tune of another growling of his stomach. Raito summarily peeled him off of the wall and dragged him back into the kitchen.
The gyoza looked cold and abandoned, as well as a little dried out and unappetizing. They were also barely touched.
He and Raito stared at dumplings in unison, then shared a glance.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather eat something out?" the brunet asked dubiously. He reached out to poke one with a fork.
L frowned. "They might not survive another reheat," he mused aloud. But he did not feel like going anywhere just now. Besides, he wanted to be in the presence of Raito's real self, not the persona he would be donning in the company of others. He did not want their interaction to be on hold, stalled, for the time it would take to dine out. He didn't want to lose any ground they may have gained by having them pick up their masks again for a public outing. "Did you happen to buy anything but these?"
"Nikuman and onigiri."
"Ah." True convenience store food. "I'll take an onigiri." Anything would be acceptable, really. The need for food was often such an inconvenience. Anything that could quickly quiet his stomach with minimal effort would be fine. Dessert was about the only type of food he felt deserved some amount of preoccupation.
"There isn't much nutrition in that - it's mostly just rice."
"Then why did you buy it?"
Raito looked vaguely annoyed. "In case you wouldn't touch the pork buns."
L felt pleased. "So you gave this a lot of thought, I see," he observed aloud, unobtrusively needling his companion. He wished he could openly tease the brunet, but he didn't think his pride would endure it well. As it was, Raito was looking at him suspiciously. But what a turnabout this was from his earlier insistence that, 'The food was an afterthought.'
"You're just loving rubbing that in," Raito accused him.
L walked over to the fridge in search of the onigiri, hiding a small smile. "Only a little." He was certainly not rubbing it in as much as he could. "Besides, it made me happy that you did," he admitted while pulling the container of onigiri out of the shopping bag. He closed the fridge to find the brunet looking at him speculatively.
"But this food is only just passable."
"It's the thought that counts?" L freed an onigiri. "And I had never expected that you would be worried for me." He took a bite and it wasn't too bad.
Raito slung himself into the chair he'd been occupying earlier. "Well, who wouldn't worry? You're even thinner than before." It seemed that admitting caring was coming a bit easier now, though it was still tenuous. "My mother would throw a fuss, wanting to feed you." Raito seemed compelled to throw in an addendum, however. But it was certainly an improvement.
"So are you," L returned, taking another bite of rice and fixing Raito with an avid stare. The brunet also seemed to look worse for wear, thinner, and the shininess of him was a bit worn around the edges. He looked as if sleep might have been elusive as well.
Raito waved him off. "Stress from work."
"Oh, really?" L said innocently, taking his seat. He decided to poke at Raito again and test boundaries. "And here I thought you might have been pining for me." Another bite of the onigiri and he got to a pleasantly sweet, red bean filling.
Raito's expression was droll. "Who in their right mind would admit something like that? They'd never hear the end of it."
L nodded sagely, hiding his amusement. Raito might as well have admitted it openly just now. He'd said pining in jest, but the thought of Raito feeling so moved pleased him. Would it have been a stoic sort of thing, undetectable to the human eye? Could he even imagine the brunet looking a mess and out of sorts, lingering in dark rooms, lost in thought - perhaps with depressing music playing in the background? No - that seemed too far-fetched.
His thoughts changed track suddenly, from the improbability of a melancholy Raito and wondering how he might have been acting differently at work, and then to a certain blonde, female coworker. "Raito, what's the deal with Misa?"
A long-suffering expression crossed the brunet's face. "Must we talk about that now?"
"Yes," he insisted. This wasn't just about Raito sleeping with her. "You remember I told you she was looking for you? How persistent a person is she?"
"Oh." The brunet looked a little relieved. "Well, very."
"So is she going to be set on locating you?"
"Perhaps. But she won't succeed."
"Even with Aiber assisting her?" L frowned. It was almost as if the brunet wasn't taking this very seriously. "And while we are on the subject, I would like to know what exactly went on between you and Misa. What kind of false promises did you fill her head with?"
Raito sighed explosively, running a hand through his hair. "I should have known it would come back to this."
"Indeed," L agreed, pinning him with his detective stare.
Raito now wore a slight scowl as he rolled his eyes impatiently. "It wasn't anything out of the usual. She loves flattery, and prizes compliments and adoration. I showered her with those things, like I was supposed to, to keep her happy. That things got physical was unavoidable. She'd been pushing for it on and off since I broke up with her. Only this time, she believed we'd started dating again and expected recompense for her patience. The Chairman was also breathing down my neck."
L rather hated hearing this. He could see it in his head, and he didn't want to. Raito had probably buttered her up and given her the ride of her life before disappearing. "Don't you feel guilty at all about using her for your work?"
"No," the brunet said flatly. "She was out to use me just as thoroughly." He looked a little put out. "Don't you understand? I'm not a real person to her. I am sex, and a voice that speaks what she wants to hear. I am a face that makes her look good, and a tool for her father to make use of."
"So why do you feed into that? Why don't you just say, no? Is it really worth such an act just to further your career?"
"Because 'no' never got me anywhere." Raito sounded tired, as if explaining something simple to a child who just wasn't getting it. "And it was easier before." He rubbed a hand over his face, frustrated. "Listen, I don't expect you to understand it. It's just how things are."
"So she is looking for her supposed fiancé? I can imagine her efforts to find you, in that case, will be much more motivated than if you just broke things off directly."
"Oh, come on, Lawliet," Raito said with irritation. "You think I really owe her that?"
"Perhaps you owe it to yourself?"
"And how would you propose I do that? I switched phone numbers so that no one can bother me - most of all, her and her father - so I can't use my cell. And if I were to call from a local phone, they could find my location with a little digging. Or did you want me to meet her in person to crush her plans for the future?"
L frowned at him.
Raito leaned back in his chair, a haughty expression on his face. "Then of course, coming in range at all bears a risk. Chairman Amane has enough dirty little secrets to pin me in place for a lifetime. It's only because I've become a free entity that I have any sort of protection. If he brings anything to the media, I can come back at him with plenty more. But if I am in his arena, he has too much control and my efforts would be stifled."
Raito sighed. "He's an utter bastard," he continued conversationally. "He'd break my legs and strangle me half to death if it would ensure I'd do as he liked."
"Why would you work for someone like that?" L couldn't even imagine. What must the day-to-day have been like?
"He has a lot of influence - something I wanted." Raito toyed with the fork on his plate, turning it in restless hands. "It wasn't always so constricting. In the beginning, and when I first started dating Misa, he seemed alright. He was tolerable and full of grand promises. This lack of compromise amplified when I decided to end things with his daughter. He's been seeking to tie me down ever since, and it has been a chore straddling the line so that he didn't have opportunity to do so."
Amber eyes lifted to his. "I'm relieved, actually, that you will be staying here at least a little while. Since Chairman Amane knew we were involved, and since Aiber knows where you live, it is likely they would try to drag you into it."
L shook his head with a frown. "Aiber doesn't know where I live."
"...Ah."
Was it his imagination, or did the brunet suddenly have the look of someone who, under their calm exterior, was desperately backpedalling?
"Are you certain?" the brunet asked. "You did work together for many years, after all."
"I always kept the location of my residence from him. But it sounds to me that you know something you are not telling me." L gave him a scrutinizing look, sharply dissecting him. "Why are you certain Aiber knows where I live? You wouldn't say such unless you were sure."
He did not like the thought of Raito keeping things from him, nor did he like the idea that Aiber could potentially turn up at his home at any given time. Was it even safe to reside there in that case? Would Aiber go far enough as to enter uninvited and persist in trying to claim something tangible from him?
---
Raito heavily debated disclosing anything. Stupid blunder. The more honest he tried to be with the detective, the more trouble he was encountering. It was unthinkable that he'd made such a slip. Was he supposed to reveal how Aiber had broken in with ill intent? Should he offer up just how he had rendered the man incapable of acting on those impulses towards the dark-haired detective? Or how he had bound and gagged the blond and dragged him into the closet, then proceeded to teach the man how Lawliet was his alone?
Aha, that was the sticking point - that he had gone to such lengths to show his claim on the dark-haired intellectual, indulging in his soft mouth and much, much more as the foreigner watched. Could Lawliet take such a thing in stride? Would he rescind their delicate truce?
"What did you do?" Lawliet asked him suspiciously, onigiri forgotten and abandoned.
Truth? Or lies?
Raito tried to make a snap decision, but it was difficult in this case. Truth seemed to work better with his companion, but lies might be what were needed here to keep things with Lawliet intact. However, to be discovered in a lie would bear the harshest penalty.
"Aiber broke in the night I stayed over."
"What?" the detective was looking at him in disbelief. "And where was I?"
"You were blissfully unaware." And utterly sated, I might add. "Something woke me and it turned out to be your little friend."
"And?" Lawliet's eyes were riveted to him as if they could dig the details from him faster with the intensity of their gaze.
"We had a civilized argument - not enough to wake you. He threatened me. I rendered him unconscious."
"With your bare hands?" the dark-haired man's voice was skeptical. "Aiber is huge."
"No, I had a stun gun." He shrugged at the weird look he received then. He affected nonchalance as if such a thing were exceedingly mundane and added, "It seemed a prudent accessory to obtain."
"That's what that noise was?!" Lawliet said incredulously.
"What do you mean?"
"I thought I'd heard something like a gunshot, and voices, but I passed it off as nothing but a dream. What did you do with Aiber?" Suspicious again. The detective's voice had stiffened, demanding truth, and his large, dark eyes were relentless. It was inconvenient at best.
"Does it matter?" Raito asked plaintively. "He hasn't bothered you, so it is obvious he's learned his lesson." He would avoid telling Lawliet the details if at all possible. The last thing he needed was to describe what had happened, thereby intensifying that twitchy look upon the other man's face. Their bond, their new truce, was too fresh and fragile to weather the full truth. He did not regret his actions, and would probably act in a similar manner if he had it to do over again, but the consensus was that he had gone too far even then. His own mother had been appalled at his behavior. Certainly, what had happened at the motel was a lack of control on his part - that he would take back if only to repair the overwhelming damage it had caused. But showing Aiber his place in the world, letting him seethe in the mire of his own powerlessness, that had accomplished exactly what it was supposed to.
Lawliet's gaze was unrelenting. "Only you are afraid he is going to stir up more trouble."
"Well at least it wouldn't be to merely accost you in the night," Raito tossed back with irritation. "More likely he'd just be trying to help ruin me."
"I saw him the other night at a restaurant. He was acting very strangely towards me."
"Did he leave you alone?" Raito prompted testily.
"Well, yes," the detective admitted reluctantly, obviously not wanting to cede the point. "But as I said, it was weird."
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," Raito said flatly, summarily dismissing the subject.
---
L decided to give up on the subject. Raito was being obstinate and he was not likely to gain more information now even if he persisted.
"You could email Misa," he said then, deciding to be difficult himself. He hated losing ground, so he would make such a thing less pleasant for the brunet. Besides, something had to be done about Misa. He was convinced that telling her that Raito was no longer hers would be for the best. At least then she could try to start getting over it, instead of obsessively searching for the brunet.
Raito favored him with a long-suffering look. "Yes, I could do that."
L sensed a 'but' in his tone. He'd bite. "But?"
"But you are assuming that Misa bothers with such things."
L leveled him with a deadpan stare. "Why are you so against this? It would be easy enough to email a text to her phone. Use your work email."
"Why are you so insistent on this? She isn't worth the hassle."
"Because I believe it will improve the situation."
Raito made a scoffing noise. "Aren't you assuming that you know her better than I? Based on what? Your powers of observation?"
L glared at him and Raito waved off the look.
"I'm not undermining your talents. I'm just saying that I've been dealing with her for a long time now."
L crossed his arms over his chest. "What if I said, 'It would make me happy'?"
"You don't seem the happy sort," Raito said under his breath. He was frowning slightly; however, he looked like he was considering the request.
After a time, Raito's expression smoothed out and he glanced up at L with keen eyes. It put L on edge. "What?"
"I'll email her," the brunet said, tossing it out like a bargaining chip, "if you'll agree to being open with your family about our relationship."
L sensed that this could potentially be quite unpleasant. "Open how, exactly?" The request was not the time-bomb it would have been several days ago, as it seemed Celia had figured things out... but L had been hoping the whole mess would blow over and never be discussed again.
"Dinner, perhaps?" Raito mused. "But this time, no hiding."
L did not relish the thought of facing Watari. He knew Celia felt confident in her ability to garner acceptance from the older man, but... Wherever Raito was concerned, Watari seemed prone to anger and disapproval. And that was without a relationship even being put on the table.
"You'll have to face it eventually," Raito supplied helpfully. His eyes were too sharp and intent.
"You've certainly changed your tune," L said, watching him with veiled suspicion. "Instead of trying to ward me off, you seem quite intent on me taking this proposition. What happened to your reluctance to contact Misa?"
Raito settled back in his chair and affected a smile.
L took that to mean that the brunet had merely found something that suited his purposes more. He frowned a little, wondering what the brunet had in mind. "I'll think about it," he said unconvincingly.
Raito found himself wanting another cigarette almost as soon as he finished the one he had with him.
He debated going back to the store yet again, before he got too far. He wanted the bracing feel of thick, tingling smoke lacing his lungs. But on the off chance that Lawliet was still where he'd left him, Raito decided that returning without distraction really was for the best. His fingers itched to hold another cigarette. Something to do, and something with which to appease his oral fixation.
It made him feel better when he had such a prop - it gave him something to do with his hands.
He had more at home, he reminded himself as he trudged back. Not that he would necessarily have the opportunity to indulge... If the detective was still there, conscious, he didn't see how wasting time on a common breezeway just to feed his habit was going to be admissible.
---
Raito looked up and realized he'd passed the walk faster than he'd thought. He was already at his building and had barely noticed.
Jesus. How much more distracted could I possibly get?
He flicked his cigarette butt into a trash bin just inside the gate and headed up the stairs. Something in him was bracing against what he was about to find upon opening his door. The worst would be if Lawliet had left. Disappeared, maybe for the last time. It trickled through him like ice and was followed by a swift flush of anger.
It was almost funny how quickly he converted compromising emotions into more palatable ones that offered him control. He scowled, digging into his pocket for the key. It wasn't a conscious effort or anything like that. It just was. And he could still feel it underneath the anger: trepidation, anxiety. Foreign emotions. Ones he felt ill at ease enduring. Ones he felt he should never have been made to feel in the first place. It kindled resentment that Lawliet was able to spark such ugly things in him. It was such power for the eccentric man to hold over him.
He unlocked the door and it gave way before him, telling him nothing about what he might find inside. It was a silent sentinel.
'Lawliet?' he almost called out. But no, he wouldn't. Either the other man was not here, and Raito would feel a fool for calling to him, or he was here and would know that Raito expected he might have fled his presence. No, Lawliet should expect me to expect him here. He shouldn't be allowed to think leaving was acceptable.
Raito put the food in the refrigerator, sliding it onto the top shelf, bag and all. That done, he washed his hands, mind on the bedroom, considering different approaches and scenarios. His hands were slow upon the dish towel, drying the water upon them.
It was not until he saw Lawliet within his bedroom, sitting upon the bed and manipulating his phone with clever, spidery hands that tension he had not noticed before seeped from his shoulders.
He watched the detective for a moment, an idle thought passing through his head - that he wished it was his right to look upon the other man like this at any time of his choosing. That was part of what living together might have gained him. Nothing would be amiss in his staring, analyzing, and committing little details to memory like cherished trivialities. That dark, wayward hair, the darker eyes it scattered across and obscured... the sometimes-expressive face with its austere mask that could be slipped on and off at will, the smooth, pale cheeks that could flush with color in such intriguing ways...
All of these were things he wanted to own, things he wanted to lay claim to. And to think that he couldn't, that such a thing was yet out of his reach, was frustrating and burned in his chest like a hot poker. He wanted Lawliet to look at him with the recognition in his eyes that he was regarding an equal being. He wanted that sharp wit on the tip of his tongue. He wanted that elusive, quick smile that he'd seen on rare occasions.
He spoke before his thoughts dragged him down even further, not a master of his own mind. "I brought dinner." He worked to at least make his voice appear unaffected. "Are you hungry?" His words made the other man look up from his phone. He could lose himself in that quiet gaze.
Lawliet nodded after a moment. His dark eyes were enigmatic and active with thought as they held his.
Raito found it inordinately difficult to break the meshing of their weighty gazes. There was such intimacy in that uncharted territory... such unparalleled knowing, as if eyes could peel back layers of the soul. He was pulled in and entrapped by it as much as he was loath to be viewed in such excruciating detail and to possibly be judged. "When you're ready," he offered simply, letting the prompt hang in the air as he left the room.
He wondered how flawless his assertion for control appeared to the other. Did he seem as unflappable, calm and steady as he was engineering himself to be? Did he appear as inoffensive, reasonable, and normal as he was trying for? Or could Lawliet detect his desperation? His possessiveness?
The containers of food had metal bottoms, so he had to dump the gyoza upon two plates in order to heat them up. He hoped the detective did not find cause to look into his cabinets, seeing the laughable fact that he'd unpacked things in sets of two. Two forks, two knives, two plates, two bowls, two cups. It was pitiable, wasn't it? he thought with a stubborn set to his jaw. As if such preparations would somehow make Lawliet living here a reality. He scoffed at his own foolishness.
The dumplings had just finished in the microwave when Lawliet appeared on the edge of the poor excuse for a kitchen. Raito waved him to a seat at the plain, square wooden table and set their plates upon it.
It was a small table, a bit cramped, and their knees were nearly brushing beneath it.
Ratio took the lead, cutting into one of his dumplings. It was unconventional to actually bisect them, but made it easier to soak them in the thin, salty sauce that accompanied them. He put the piece of gyoza in his mouth and chewed, not disappointed with the flavor but only because he hadn't been expecting much. A moment later and he was able to note with satisfaction that L was doing the same, following his example. "I'm sorry it's not all that good," he apologized.
Lawliet shook his head and murmured a thank you for the meal. "You were right, I may be running a slight fever. I really needed to eat something."
Raito debated saying it, then went ahead anyway. "We could go out somewhere," he offered. These dumplings would surely not be the highlight of anyone's week. "I would have suggested it before-" he continued off-handedly, as if it hadn't been a matter of great debate in his own mind, "-just so the food would be better, but I thought you would not be inclined."
"This is fine."
Indeed, Lawliet seemed quite ok with such meager fare.
Poor a meal as it was, sharing it together like this... it was nearly cathartic. Simple motions went into the use of silverware - the gentle sawing of a knife, the lifting of a fork - and the act of slowly making the gyoza fewer in number. The atmosphere was also much less rigid than before.
Raito rested his chin on his hand, feeling a sort of contentment just in watching him. The edginess that had lain between them was relaxing further, as if they were both successfully letting down their guards. "Well, the point was getting you to eat." And Lawliet was, in fact, eating. Mission accomplished.
L finished a dumpling then casually said, "So, you made a special trip just to buy me food?" His dark eyes flitted upward just in time to see Raito stiffen.
"What makes you say that?" Raito busied himself with cutting another piece off of one of his gyoza and dipping it in the sauce.
"Didn't you?"
Raito didn't like the sudden feeling that he was being pinned down. It made him uneasy. He popped the food in his mouth and chewed, giving himself more time. He gestured airily with the fork. "I needed a lighter," he said dismissively. "The food was an afterthought."
---
And wasn't that a bald faced lie, L thought, mildly amused. A complete reversal of what he'd seen take place. For Raito had secured the food first, and gone in for the lighter as an afterthought.
Ah, but he doesn't know that I followed him.
L found it exceedingly interesting to see the difference in what was, and what the brunet was choosing to present. He also found it interesting that Raito was avoiding owning up to the act of caring he'd displayed. It seemed he was not comfortable with such things.
In fact, that Raito was not instantly playing suave, or lavishing him with claims of caring was actually doing more to convince L that he was being authentic than anything else might have. It was also strangely pleasing to be able to poke at those unnamed feelings obliquely and watch the brunet enact his version of squirming.
"Is that so?" L replied, shading his voice with the slightest trace of disappointment and dropping his eyes. He poked at a dumpling in a listless manner, furthering the effect, but his attention was utterly fixed on the brunet, waiting for his reaction.
He sensed the immediate tensing from the other side of the table. A surreptitious glance confirmed that Raito seemed uncomfortable, like he was debating owning up to his action.
"And what if I had?" the brunet said reluctantly in a manner that could only be described as petulant.
"Had what?" L queried, letting his voice drag with that touch of a saddened tone. He didn't know that his own acting could ever be as flawless as the brunet's but perhaps it might be passable enough for this. He maintained pushing a dumpling around on his plate for another moment before looking up with discouraged eyes. For added effect, he sealed the look behind blankness and replaced it with a neutral questioning look, as if he were trying to hide a reaction.
Raito's eyes averted the moment he looked up. He was frowning and looked discomfited over something. "What if I did go just for you?" Quick flash of amber eyes. Assessing. Diverted again.
L let confusion touch his expression. "Well, if you had, why would you deny it?"
Oh, this was rich. He could practically feel Raito squirm, caught between tossing out an easy lie or admitting the truth, though his facade was nearly seamless enough to mask it.
L was surprised though when Raito suddenly pushed out his chair and stood up from the table. He looked as if he might be about to say something. Instead, he began to pace. His hand came up to rest upon the back of his neck as he strode from the table. A gesture of frustration?
L scraped his own chair back, but before he could stand, Raito's circuit brought him back to the table. The hand upon his neck dropped and the brunet's face adopted a defiant look. "I was worried about you. You seemed too thin, like you weren't eating."
L blinked.
He had to admit, he felt astounded at such an admission. Not entirely regarding the admission itself, but that the brunet was having such trouble admitting something so innocuous. L let that show freely upon his face. "You almost sound as if you're trying to say that you care." He was pretty sure the faint sarcasm would goad a reaction from the brunet.
Raito bristled. "I figured you wouldn't believe me if I said as much."
"Try me," L responded, deadpan, staring back with eyes that were utterly serious and full of challenge.
Instantly, the brunet did a fair impression of a deer caught in headlights.
L was certain that a myriad of responses were being considered in that moment of stillness. However, he was not privy to any of them, as Raito suddenly turned on his heel and quit the room.
"Hey--" he said, scrambling out from around the table. "Raito!"
He'd barely entered the hallway when the bedroom door slammed shut, practically in his face. He paused, utterly flummoxed. What on earth?
---
Raito was fuming. Lawliet - dear, sweet, innocent Lawliet - had been taking him for a ride. He hadn't even seen it until the end when he'd been asked to hand out some kind of confession. The change in those eyes... they were too certain suddenly and contained none of the hurt from before.
Oh, he hated being played a fool!
That the insomniac had done so effortlessly was proof of his own distraction.
He gritted his teeth as he leaned back against the locked door, sucking in a deep breath, nerves still jangling from that one moment of crystallized panic where he thought he would have to bare all. In a way, it would be liberating, and yet... just the contemplation of doing such a thing grated intolerably at his sensibilities.
"Raito?" Lawliet was calling him through the door.
He didn't answer. His fists clenched. What was he to say? And he could not very well stay in here for long, not after wrenching the door closed behind him with audible force. So juvenile. Excuses had to be made - fabricated - and control of the situation had to be gained. Then this fluttering, nerve-wracking pressure would lose its hold.
"Is something wrong?" the detective added, raising Raito's indignation.
He considered saying, 'No, nothing.' Instead, he decided to improvise and responded only with the unlocking of the door. It had been childish to lock it in the first place. He hadn't consciously decided to, it had just been a reflex. A slammed door to vent his anger, and the lock to keep the source of his anger and frustration away from him while he gathered the cinders of his self-possession. But what he needed now was to turn this around. Through control of the situation, he would gain control of himself, and he would leave no room for his companion to look too closely at him and analyze his recent behavior.
Raito swung the door open and the detective seemed surprised to see him standing there, glaring imperiously. It made him want to be cruel. It made him want the upper hand. "You thought you would toy with me, did you? And believed that I would not see through your games?"
Lawliet looked shifty. "Why would I toy with you?"
Raito graced him with a cutting smile as he left the doorway and drifted close. "Did you think you'd upset me?" his tone was mocking and somewhat obscene. He was mollified when Lawliet took a step back, a brief flicker of uncertainty shadowing his eyes. "Are you disappointed?" he queried softly with a menacing gaze. He reached out, cupping his hand against that pale face, leaning in as if to kiss it.
And he was quite taken then with the idea of pushing the dark-haired man into a corner, pressing intimacy on him and watching the control shift back into his own court. His fingers curled under Lawliet's chin and tilted uncertain lips to his. There, there was that slight, full-body tensing that told him he had the upper hand. He exploited it fully, claiming the other's lips forcefully. He reveled in the hitching of the other's breath.
Raito walked them backwards, pressing his daring little insomniac against the wall and plundering his mouth with little reserve.
His body throbbed in response. Oh, this he had missed.
Being gentle and coaxing as he'd been before lacked this heightened intensity. He could feel the frown upon the face that couldn't part from his and the resistance in Lawliet's too-thin body. Could he help that pushing these boundaries made him feel so alive? It was perfect - that the hands that fisted against his chest lacked the resolve to truly keep him away, and that they would soon betray the detective's attraction with something as precious as a tremor...
He was quite taken with all of it. With all of him.
Why must he be asked to voice these things? Voice these feelings. It should be obvious, apparent. You feel what we have between us, I know you do, he thought fiercely. And what good were words? It was action that held truth and weight. Was he to say something so cliché as 'I love you'? The words themselves meant nothing, and were uttered by millions who didn't understand the emotion they were intended to convey, nor did they necessarily care.
To put such labels to they way he felt... cheapened it.
"Why do you want empty words?" Raito murmured against soft lips. He was losing himself in the smell, taste, and feel of the person before him and it was rolling his mind. You're perfect. "It's a waste."
He lightened his demand upon Lawliet's mouth, kissing him slower and sweeter, wishing that there was nothing beyond this moment. If only the bonds they forged here could last past the clearing of their heads. Was there no way to tie them together as one, aside from the joining of flesh?
Lawliet broke from the kiss to speak, lips moving against Raito's as the brunet contemplated letting him voice anything at all. The air was close and charged between them. Humid and delightfully claustrophobic. "If they are so empty, why do you have such trouble with them?"
"Maybe because you put such weight on them," Raito spoke without thinking.
"Or do you fear rejection of the first honest feelings you've had?"
---
L felt Raito grow still against him. His words were merely a guess, but it looked as if they'd struck home.
He held on to the brunet, not sure if he was going to flee the area like last time. He knew that Raito had been upset not long ago. His posturing afterwards had taken L off guard for a moment, but then it became obvious that Raito was doing it in order to protect himself. Knowing that the brunet actually felt compromised made his heart clench. A showing of any sort of weakness in the invincible being that Raito seemed to be was noteworthy and affected him strongly. Perhaps there were parts of him that were fragile enough to need such elaborate guarding?
"I didn't expect you to say anything in particular," L said quietly, addressing the brunet's earlier question about confessions: 'Why do you want empty words?' And he really hadn't expected anything in particular. Though at the table earlier, he had to admit he had been pushing for... something. He'd been starting to learn the shape of the brunet's feelings, but he wanted some sort of verbal confirmation to give life to his suppositions. Instead, Raito was set on avoiding such, and nearly denying his feelings at every turn, despite evidence of their existence. L had wanted to grab the brunet by the face and force him to look at it, to acknowledge it.
"Good," Raito said, still tense and unyielding. "Because I have nothing to say."
L released him and as he'd thought, the brunet pulled away. "Nothing to say to me?"
"Nothing," the younger man agreed. "I've said everything already."
L's arms hung lifelessly at his sides, and the wall at his back supported him better than his still rubbery legs. Raito's impassioned attentions waged war on his self-possession. He willed his body back under control. Not that it was listening. "You're adamant about that? Cooperation and resolution meant nothing to you?"
Raito scoffed. "Lawliet, I've turned my life upside down for you, I miss you when you are away from me, and I think about you constantly. If you must have a label, can't you create one for yourself? What more can I say except that I don't want to be parted from you?"
L felt his face color. Not only at the sentiments, but for how foolish the brunet had made him sound for requiring some sort of concrete statement of his feelings. As if he were saying, 'Look at how obvious it is. How could you not see it?' It figured that the brunet might give him what he'd asked for but in such a way that he nearly regretted asking for it. Nearly.
Raito's eyes caught onto that and suddenly he did not seem so keen to pull away. He nearly looked intrigued now. "You're embarrassed by what I've said?"
('I think about you constantly.')
L shook his head, but being under such close scrutiny made his face flush harder. Why must he press me in this way? It hardly seemed fair. But how could he help reacting to the brunet's words when he was finally starting to believe them to be the truth? ('I don't want to be parted from you.') From what he'd seen today...
But Raito was not about to leave him to such musings in peace.
"Shy all of a sudden?" Raito leaned in to croon at his ear, gently taunting. The brunet was lapping up his discomfort, feeding on it, his voice carrying one of those curling, lascivious smiles. "And I've yet to hear such words from your lips..."
Ugh. Raito was catching onto things too easily. "Y-you just said that words are empty."
"Oh, but not with you, they aren't," Raito said silkily, warming to this new form of torture. "Therefore, you have an obligation to fulfill."
L found that the brunet had gotten a good grip on his chin and was tipping his face up so that their eyes met fully. He squirmed as that pleasantly amused gaze burned into his.
"You missed me, didn't you?" Raito said with assurance, his eyes scouring his face. "You wouldn't have come here otherwise." The brunet cornered him with the words. "You could have let me disappear."
L couldn't hide anything this point blank.
Oh, how that fact galled him. He hated being unable to dispense chosen tidbits of information from behind the shield of put-on expressions.
"Yes, I missed you," he admitted grudgingly, stubbornly only giving what Raito was leading him to say and no more. As he voiced this truth, however, pain sparked through him as he recalled just how very much he'd missed him. He felt it touch his face, which in the end would give the brunet exactly what he wanted.
Raito's amber gaze flickered over his face searchingly for a long moment.
"Lawliet, let's dispense with this. Whatever you want to call it - I believe we feel the same." His eyes dimmed as he paused, seemingly searching for the words he wished to say next. "Can we not give this another chance?"
The unspoken sentiment lingered in the air: Can you not give me another chance?
L's head was full of things such as the apologies the brunet really owed him, the transgressions with Misa, and so many other things. And will that all be swept under the carpet if I say yes? Despite this, he found himself nodding warily.
Raito looked as if a great weight might have been lifted from his shoulders. It was subtle, but his countenance lightened and there was a faint shine across his eyes. He pulled L into a crushing embrace just as a smile threatened to manifest upon his face. "Thank you," he whispered with intensity, burying his head against L's neck.
L brought his arms up around the younger man, holding him close.
His own discontent still scraped within his chest, but it was second to the quickening he felt at bestowing this sort of forgiveness. It was a leap of faith he couldn't entirely be sure was warranted... but he got the feeling that the brunet was repentant for the things he had taken issue with, though it had yet to be voiced. He sensed that things might be different now. Bittersweet was the emotion gripping him. Was it really possible that they could repair the damage that had been done? Was it possible to dispel this awkwardness he now felt in the wake of unsettled elation?
"Do you need help unpacking?" L asked cautiously, trying to create an opening - an opportunity for them to persist in each other's company, though he'd been dead set on leaving previously. It sounded lame even to him. He doggedly continued, "You seem like you have not made much progress if you have been here for several days."
Raito pulled back, and the naked expressions had already been properly shuttered and contained. "You'd stay here?" he asked, searching L's face carefully.
"If you like," he responded, choosing his words purposely to make the brunet admit that he would want something like that, instead of putting the impetus on himself.
Raito recognized that and, for once, did not balk at it. "I would."
He seemed about to add something else, but L's stomach growled loudly, reminding them both of the abandoned gyoza. "Stupid," Raito said under his breath, as if intending the word for himself. "You didn't have a chance to eat much at all, did you?" He assessed L with a critical eye as if he might disappear for having missed a meal. Until this moment, food had been all but forgotten.
L shook his head to the tune of another growling of his stomach. Raito summarily peeled him off of the wall and dragged him back into the kitchen.
The gyoza looked cold and abandoned, as well as a little dried out and unappetizing. They were also barely touched.
He and Raito stared at dumplings in unison, then shared a glance.
"Are you sure you wouldn't rather eat something out?" the brunet asked dubiously. He reached out to poke one with a fork.
L frowned. "They might not survive another reheat," he mused aloud. But he did not feel like going anywhere just now. Besides, he wanted to be in the presence of Raito's real self, not the persona he would be donning in the company of others. He did not want their interaction to be on hold, stalled, for the time it would take to dine out. He didn't want to lose any ground they may have gained by having them pick up their masks again for a public outing. "Did you happen to buy anything but these?"
"Nikuman and onigiri."
"Ah." True convenience store food. "I'll take an onigiri." Anything would be acceptable, really. The need for food was often such an inconvenience. Anything that could quickly quiet his stomach with minimal effort would be fine. Dessert was about the only type of food he felt deserved some amount of preoccupation.
"There isn't much nutrition in that - it's mostly just rice."
"Then why did you buy it?"
Raito looked vaguely annoyed. "In case you wouldn't touch the pork buns."
L felt pleased. "So you gave this a lot of thought, I see," he observed aloud, unobtrusively needling his companion. He wished he could openly tease the brunet, but he didn't think his pride would endure it well. As it was, Raito was looking at him suspiciously. But what a turnabout this was from his earlier insistence that, 'The food was an afterthought.'
"You're just loving rubbing that in," Raito accused him.
L walked over to the fridge in search of the onigiri, hiding a small smile. "Only a little." He was certainly not rubbing it in as much as he could. "Besides, it made me happy that you did," he admitted while pulling the container of onigiri out of the shopping bag. He closed the fridge to find the brunet looking at him speculatively.
"But this food is only just passable."
"It's the thought that counts?" L freed an onigiri. "And I had never expected that you would be worried for me." He took a bite and it wasn't too bad.
Raito slung himself into the chair he'd been occupying earlier. "Well, who wouldn't worry? You're even thinner than before." It seemed that admitting caring was coming a bit easier now, though it was still tenuous. "My mother would throw a fuss, wanting to feed you." Raito seemed compelled to throw in an addendum, however. But it was certainly an improvement.
"So are you," L returned, taking another bite of rice and fixing Raito with an avid stare. The brunet also seemed to look worse for wear, thinner, and the shininess of him was a bit worn around the edges. He looked as if sleep might have been elusive as well.
Raito waved him off. "Stress from work."
"Oh, really?" L said innocently, taking his seat. He decided to poke at Raito again and test boundaries. "And here I thought you might have been pining for me." Another bite of the onigiri and he got to a pleasantly sweet, red bean filling.
Raito's expression was droll. "Who in their right mind would admit something like that? They'd never hear the end of it."
L nodded sagely, hiding his amusement. Raito might as well have admitted it openly just now. He'd said pining in jest, but the thought of Raito feeling so moved pleased him. Would it have been a stoic sort of thing, undetectable to the human eye? Could he even imagine the brunet looking a mess and out of sorts, lingering in dark rooms, lost in thought - perhaps with depressing music playing in the background? No - that seemed too far-fetched.
His thoughts changed track suddenly, from the improbability of a melancholy Raito and wondering how he might have been acting differently at work, and then to a certain blonde, female coworker. "Raito, what's the deal with Misa?"
A long-suffering expression crossed the brunet's face. "Must we talk about that now?"
"Yes," he insisted. This wasn't just about Raito sleeping with her. "You remember I told you she was looking for you? How persistent a person is she?"
"Oh." The brunet looked a little relieved. "Well, very."
"So is she going to be set on locating you?"
"Perhaps. But she won't succeed."
"Even with Aiber assisting her?" L frowned. It was almost as if the brunet wasn't taking this very seriously. "And while we are on the subject, I would like to know what exactly went on between you and Misa. What kind of false promises did you fill her head with?"
Raito sighed explosively, running a hand through his hair. "I should have known it would come back to this."
"Indeed," L agreed, pinning him with his detective stare.
Raito now wore a slight scowl as he rolled his eyes impatiently. "It wasn't anything out of the usual. She loves flattery, and prizes compliments and adoration. I showered her with those things, like I was supposed to, to keep her happy. That things got physical was unavoidable. She'd been pushing for it on and off since I broke up with her. Only this time, she believed we'd started dating again and expected recompense for her patience. The Chairman was also breathing down my neck."
L rather hated hearing this. He could see it in his head, and he didn't want to. Raito had probably buttered her up and given her the ride of her life before disappearing. "Don't you feel guilty at all about using her for your work?"
"No," the brunet said flatly. "She was out to use me just as thoroughly." He looked a little put out. "Don't you understand? I'm not a real person to her. I am sex, and a voice that speaks what she wants to hear. I am a face that makes her look good, and a tool for her father to make use of."
"So why do you feed into that? Why don't you just say, no? Is it really worth such an act just to further your career?"
"Because 'no' never got me anywhere." Raito sounded tired, as if explaining something simple to a child who just wasn't getting it. "And it was easier before." He rubbed a hand over his face, frustrated. "Listen, I don't expect you to understand it. It's just how things are."
"So she is looking for her supposed fiancé? I can imagine her efforts to find you, in that case, will be much more motivated than if you just broke things off directly."
"Oh, come on, Lawliet," Raito said with irritation. "You think I really owe her that?"
"Perhaps you owe it to yourself?"
"And how would you propose I do that? I switched phone numbers so that no one can bother me - most of all, her and her father - so I can't use my cell. And if I were to call from a local phone, they could find my location with a little digging. Or did you want me to meet her in person to crush her plans for the future?"
L frowned at him.
Raito leaned back in his chair, a haughty expression on his face. "Then of course, coming in range at all bears a risk. Chairman Amane has enough dirty little secrets to pin me in place for a lifetime. It's only because I've become a free entity that I have any sort of protection. If he brings anything to the media, I can come back at him with plenty more. But if I am in his arena, he has too much control and my efforts would be stifled."
Raito sighed. "He's an utter bastard," he continued conversationally. "He'd break my legs and strangle me half to death if it would ensure I'd do as he liked."
"Why would you work for someone like that?" L couldn't even imagine. What must the day-to-day have been like?
"He has a lot of influence - something I wanted." Raito toyed with the fork on his plate, turning it in restless hands. "It wasn't always so constricting. In the beginning, and when I first started dating Misa, he seemed alright. He was tolerable and full of grand promises. This lack of compromise amplified when I decided to end things with his daughter. He's been seeking to tie me down ever since, and it has been a chore straddling the line so that he didn't have opportunity to do so."
Amber eyes lifted to his. "I'm relieved, actually, that you will be staying here at least a little while. Since Chairman Amane knew we were involved, and since Aiber knows where you live, it is likely they would try to drag you into it."
L shook his head with a frown. "Aiber doesn't know where I live."
"...Ah."
Was it his imagination, or did the brunet suddenly have the look of someone who, under their calm exterior, was desperately backpedalling?
"Are you certain?" the brunet asked. "You did work together for many years, after all."
"I always kept the location of my residence from him. But it sounds to me that you know something you are not telling me." L gave him a scrutinizing look, sharply dissecting him. "Why are you certain Aiber knows where I live? You wouldn't say such unless you were sure."
He did not like the thought of Raito keeping things from him, nor did he like the idea that Aiber could potentially turn up at his home at any given time. Was it even safe to reside there in that case? Would Aiber go far enough as to enter uninvited and persist in trying to claim something tangible from him?
---
Raito heavily debated disclosing anything. Stupid blunder. The more honest he tried to be with the detective, the more trouble he was encountering. It was unthinkable that he'd made such a slip. Was he supposed to reveal how Aiber had broken in with ill intent? Should he offer up just how he had rendered the man incapable of acting on those impulses towards the dark-haired detective? Or how he had bound and gagged the blond and dragged him into the closet, then proceeded to teach the man how Lawliet was his alone?
Aha, that was the sticking point - that he had gone to such lengths to show his claim on the dark-haired intellectual, indulging in his soft mouth and much, much more as the foreigner watched. Could Lawliet take such a thing in stride? Would he rescind their delicate truce?
"What did you do?" Lawliet asked him suspiciously, onigiri forgotten and abandoned.
Truth? Or lies?
Raito tried to make a snap decision, but it was difficult in this case. Truth seemed to work better with his companion, but lies might be what were needed here to keep things with Lawliet intact. However, to be discovered in a lie would bear the harshest penalty.
"Aiber broke in the night I stayed over."
"What?" the detective was looking at him in disbelief. "And where was I?"
"You were blissfully unaware." And utterly sated, I might add. "Something woke me and it turned out to be your little friend."
"And?" Lawliet's eyes were riveted to him as if they could dig the details from him faster with the intensity of their gaze.
"We had a civilized argument - not enough to wake you. He threatened me. I rendered him unconscious."
"With your bare hands?" the dark-haired man's voice was skeptical. "Aiber is huge."
"No, I had a stun gun." He shrugged at the weird look he received then. He affected nonchalance as if such a thing were exceedingly mundane and added, "It seemed a prudent accessory to obtain."
"That's what that noise was?!" Lawliet said incredulously.
"What do you mean?"
"I thought I'd heard something like a gunshot, and voices, but I passed it off as nothing but a dream. What did you do with Aiber?" Suspicious again. The detective's voice had stiffened, demanding truth, and his large, dark eyes were relentless. It was inconvenient at best.
"Does it matter?" Raito asked plaintively. "He hasn't bothered you, so it is obvious he's learned his lesson." He would avoid telling Lawliet the details if at all possible. The last thing he needed was to describe what had happened, thereby intensifying that twitchy look upon the other man's face. Their bond, their new truce, was too fresh and fragile to weather the full truth. He did not regret his actions, and would probably act in a similar manner if he had it to do over again, but the consensus was that he had gone too far even then. His own mother had been appalled at his behavior. Certainly, what had happened at the motel was a lack of control on his part - that he would take back if only to repair the overwhelming damage it had caused. But showing Aiber his place in the world, letting him seethe in the mire of his own powerlessness, that had accomplished exactly what it was supposed to.
Lawliet's gaze was unrelenting. "Only you are afraid he is going to stir up more trouble."
"Well at least it wouldn't be to merely accost you in the night," Raito tossed back with irritation. "More likely he'd just be trying to help ruin me."
"I saw him the other night at a restaurant. He was acting very strangely towards me."
"Did he leave you alone?" Raito prompted testily.
"Well, yes," the detective admitted reluctantly, obviously not wanting to cede the point. "But as I said, it was weird."
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth," Raito said flatly, summarily dismissing the subject.
---
L decided to give up on the subject. Raito was being obstinate and he was not likely to gain more information now even if he persisted.
"You could email Misa," he said then, deciding to be difficult himself. He hated losing ground, so he would make such a thing less pleasant for the brunet. Besides, something had to be done about Misa. He was convinced that telling her that Raito was no longer hers would be for the best. At least then she could try to start getting over it, instead of obsessively searching for the brunet.
Raito favored him with a long-suffering look. "Yes, I could do that."
L sensed a 'but' in his tone. He'd bite. "But?"
"But you are assuming that Misa bothers with such things."
L leveled him with a deadpan stare. "Why are you so against this? It would be easy enough to email a text to her phone. Use your work email."
"Why are you so insistent on this? She isn't worth the hassle."
"Because I believe it will improve the situation."
Raito made a scoffing noise. "Aren't you assuming that you know her better than I? Based on what? Your powers of observation?"
L glared at him and Raito waved off the look.
"I'm not undermining your talents. I'm just saying that I've been dealing with her for a long time now."
L crossed his arms over his chest. "What if I said, 'It would make me happy'?"
"You don't seem the happy sort," Raito said under his breath. He was frowning slightly; however, he looked like he was considering the request.
After a time, Raito's expression smoothed out and he glanced up at L with keen eyes. It put L on edge. "What?"
"I'll email her," the brunet said, tossing it out like a bargaining chip, "if you'll agree to being open with your family about our relationship."
L sensed that this could potentially be quite unpleasant. "Open how, exactly?" The request was not the time-bomb it would have been several days ago, as it seemed Celia had figured things out... but L had been hoping the whole mess would blow over and never be discussed again.
"Dinner, perhaps?" Raito mused. "But this time, no hiding."
L did not relish the thought of facing Watari. He knew Celia felt confident in her ability to garner acceptance from the older man, but... Wherever Raito was concerned, Watari seemed prone to anger and disapproval. And that was without a relationship even being put on the table.
"You'll have to face it eventually," Raito supplied helpfully. His eyes were too sharp and intent.
"You've certainly changed your tune," L said, watching him with veiled suspicion. "Instead of trying to ward me off, you seem quite intent on me taking this proposition. What happened to your reluctance to contact Misa?"
Raito settled back in his chair and affected a smile.
L took that to mean that the brunet had merely found something that suited his purposes more. He frowned a little, wondering what the brunet had in mind. "I'll think about it," he said unconvincingly.
____________________________________________________________
TBC
A/N 2: Ever heard of the band Innerpartysystem? Check out the song "Don't Stop". (High energy, deep, hard lyrics, amazing vocalist.) The whole album is incredible.